I know this has been a rough month for you. What with everyone suggesting that the SEC officials want to see Florida and Alabama in the SEC championship game no matter what the actual game results might be. Furthermore, I know that generally speaking the SEC's issue has been with judgment calls, celebration penalties on A.J. Green, personal fouls on some Arkansas defensive players -- it's okay, no one knows anyone's name that plays for Arkansas other than Ryan Mallet, it will be our secret -- missed calls in favor of Florida against Mississippi State, allowing Terrence Cody, the largest man on earth who still resembles a girl, to play without his helmet on. But this latest move, ignoring a clear interception by LSU's Patrick Peterson, has me steaming mad. What's the point of instant replay if you're going to use it and still get the play wrong?
That's why I'm making you an offer, I will work as instant replay reviewer for any televised SEC game.
For free.
Do you understand what a deal you're getting here, Commissioner Slive? I will work for the SEC for absolutely free. And I won't miss any calls.
Zero.
You know why? Two reasons, first, I don't care who wins the games and, second, because I can watch television replays and tell whether or not people intercept passes. For instance, unlike your replay officials, I watched today's Alabama-LSU game. And when Patrick Peterson intercepted Greg McElroy with just under 6 minutes to play in the game, I said, "Wow, that's a hell of an interception."
You know how I knew?
Because like the rest of America, I saw Peterson catch the football and get not one, but two feet in bounds. That's one more foot in bounds than you actually need, Mr. Slive. Yet, somehow the man you pay to sit in a booth and watch the replay didn't see this. He must have been blind ... or drunk. Perhaps he was both, so drunk he'd become blind. That's okay, I've been to Galette's before in Tuscaloosa and gotten that drunk. Although, to be fair, that's always been after a game.
And here's my promise to you Commissioner Slive, I won't even drink during the games when I'm working as your replay official. I'll be stone cold sober. I won't even pause the television and look closely at the cheerleaders on the sideline. Do you know how hard it is not to do that?
And I won't pause my DVR and spend ten minutes thinking about how awesome it was the CBS camera caught a 'Bama fan with four fingers doing the fourth quarter sign as they went to commercial break.
Nope, I'm completely committed to the game.
I won't even spend any time thinking about the press conference I would stage if I were Les Miles. I'd load stacks of hundred dollar bills until I had 300 stacks, or $30,000 in all, into a black garbage bag and carry it into my press conference. Then, before I even said anything, I'd turn up the garbage bag and dump all the cash out onto the table in front of the reporters.
I'd let it all spill around on the ground and then I'd walk to the microphone and say this:
"Mike Slive can come pick up this money when he gets a chance. Because that official who blew that call in the replay booth doesn't deserve to ever work another game. We're not talking about a blown judgment call, or a decision made in the heat of the game when everyone is moving a million miles an hour. We're talking about a fat man sitting in front of a television and making a dispassionate decision based on what he sees.
"And he blew it.
"Big time.
"I'd sooner have Clay Travis making the decisions from his house in Nashville."
Travis has become enamored of several objects, phrases or events which he frequenly references in the column. Among the most frequent:
'Bama Bangs - a term coined by Travis to refer to southern men's hairstyles that feature prominent bangs for no apparent reason. Brodie Croyle and John Parker Wilson are oft-cited violators of 'Bama Bangs rules.
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When Clay Travis, acclaimed author of Dixieland Delight, decided to spend the 2008 season up close and personal with UT football, he—and every other college football aficionado—thought he was in for a rollicking ride with one of the leading contenders for the national title. After all, when the Vols kicked off the season on September 1, the defending SEC East champions were ranked 18th in the country. As head coach Phillip Fulmer prepared for the game, he reflected upon a coaching career that included an astounding 147 victories, two SEC championships, and a national title. With 34 years at UT under his belt as both a player and coach, the Tennessee native had just signed a contract extension that projected to keep him at the university long enough to become the winningest coach in program history.
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There is no college ball more passionate and competitive than football in the Southeastern Conference, where seven of the twelve schools boast stadiums bigger than any in the NFL and 6.5 million fans hit the road every year to hoot and holler their teams to victory.
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The newly favored man is not really a man at all, but a hairless, effeminate, germ-fearing, non-meat-eating, exfoliating, wristband-wearing woman of the worst order. We as men are told that we must embrace the sacred feminine in ourselves, even if it doesn't actually exist, and become the very quintessence of woman, plus penises. This situation is untenable. This trend must stop.
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Clay Travis is the only former student manager in the history of college athletics to marry an NFL cheerleader. He managed to pull this off despite an irrational affinity for the television shows Dawson's Creek and My Super Sweet 16. While being raised in Nashville, Tenn., Travis developed a healthy obsession with college sports and Alyssa Milano. As a teenager his greatest accomplishment was taking a doo-rag wearing Luke Duke (balling as Tom Wopat) to the hole at the Nashville YMCA.
In the midst of a stellar legal career during which he specialized in rewarding the unjust and punishing the oppressed, Travis began writing for CBS Sports's SPiN section in September 2005...
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