Last week I wrote about the controversy over The South Will Rise Again chant at Ole Miss. In that piece I noted that Ole Miss was the only SEC school that couldn't escape the South's past. Now a new controversy is here, the Klu Klux Klan is protesting for this week's game against LSU. Seriously.
Faulkner memorably said, "The past is never dead. It's not even past."
And when it comes to Ole Miss that's certainly the case.
Proving that killing a wasp with a shotgun is tough business, the KKK has now stepped in to defend student's rights to chant, "The South Will Rise Again." The KKK issued this statement: "We aren't coming there to cause problems or cause trouble, Trouble has already been caused by a handful at Ole Miss, including the black student body president, who wants to shape Ole Miss into yet another liberal sodomite college."
Once the KKK takes your side, you've lost. Justifiably so. But so has anyone else on any side of the issue. Especially, by the way, putting this whole thing in a football context, Ole Miss's recruiting.
You think any other SEC school might mention that Ole Miss is a great place to go to school if you want the KKK to march on the day you play your biggest out-of-state rival of the year?
Anyone else think this would be a great time for Dave Chappelle to come out of retirement and bring back his black klan member character?
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Bill Belichick for taking the risk on fourth down.
Astute readers of the mailbag will note that I didn't get the mailbag up last Friday because of the UT arrests combined with an early book signing in Oxford. So we missed the tally of the picks from two weeks ago.
I went 3-2-1 and Audrey, my family's French exchange student, went 2-3-1.
That ran our total's for the season to 23-22-3 for me and 18-26-4 for Audrey.
Now, our picks weren't public in the mailbag last week--although I tweeted them -- but here they were.
My picks are in bold:
UT @ Ole Miss -6
Stanford @ USC -10.5
Iowa @ Ohio State -17
Florida -17.5 @ South Carolina
Notre Dame @ Pittsburgh -7
Auburn @ Georgia -4.5
So I went, as usual 3-3. Meanwhile here were Audrey's picks along with her rationales:
Ole Miss Stanford for smart people Iowa South carolina for Jordan Pitt for brad Auburn for my hair color
She went 4-2, picking up a game on me.
Our records as we enter the homestretch:
Clay: 26-25-3
Audrey 22-28-4
Here are my picks for this week:
California @ Stanford -8
Kentucky @ Georgia -9
Ohio State -12 @ Michigan
Oklahoma -6.5 @ Texas Tech
LSU @ Mississippi -4 Vanderbilt @ Tennessee -17
And here are Audrey's along with her rationales:
California hotel
Kentucky kiki
Michigan fleur
Oklahoma voila
LSU tutu
Tennessee pipi
On to All That and a Bag of Mail. Chaz writes:
I have heard, from a source within the school, that Ole Miss is test marketing the "Hotty Toddy Man" as Colonel Reb's potential replacement (not kidding). I thought you might find this interesting/disturbing. Everyone that I encountered in the student section thought he was a joke too. I can't imagine coupling the outrage from disposing of Colonel Reb with the possibly greater outrage of choosing this guy as the new mascot. Colonel Reb would really be crying then.
I cannot imagine a greater travesty on Earth than replacing Colonel Reb with Hotty Toddy Man. It's like when Bo and Luke Duke were replaced by those guys who weren't Bo and Luke Duke during a contract dispute on the Dukes of Hazzard.
Only worse.
Actually, here's a greater travesty, playing your biggest rival on the season with a chance to lock down a likely 9-3 regular season record, and having the KKK show up to protest. Andrew D. writes:
Clay,
There's a lot of chatter about whether Rich Rodriguez should be fired this season, but I haven't heard or read anybody discussing the prospect of firing him "for cause." I haven't looked at his employment contract, but I imagine that if UM can fire him for cause, then it won't be liable for his buyout. If such a clause exists, then the athletic department could potentially fire him for his recent off-the-field incidents, like their time-keeping problem. This seems like a cheap way to get rid of Rich now because if they wait a year to fire him then they may not be able to use the "for cause" justification (unless, of course, he creates even more distractions in the coming year, which is very possible).
In any case, I think that this is an interesting angle to the story that I haven't seen discussed anywhere.
Ding, ding, ding, Andrew D. gives me a premise for a column next week.
That's actually a really fascinating question, one of many reasons why I'm glad that lawyers and lawyers-to-be are such frequent readers and e-mailers.
Now, this would clearly be a contractual dispute if they used this rationale because I don't think it's clear that this is a for cause violation, but much like Billy Gillispie's issue with Kentucky, it's very likely that there would be enough of a dispute that Michigan would get off the hook for, at minimum, half of the buyout.
Now if Michigan was really convinced that something untoward took place, they could play hardball and take this all the way through the courts. But that would open up the program to discovery and who knows what other violations Rich Rod might know about. Or what other violations Michigan might know about that could end up public and lead to violations. (Note: I'm not singling out Michigan here, just pointing out that any program under intense scrutiny with the coach and administration at loggerheads often has a substantial amount of skeletons in the closet.)
But the key point for takeaway here is that Michigan would lose their for cause claim if they kept him on and overlooked this incident. If they fired him after a sub-par third season, a year from now, Rich Rod would get his buyout.
Very good email. J. P. writes:
I think we are about to see a trend, spurred on by the McCoy-Shipley and Tebow-Cooper housing situations. College coaches requiring their starting quarterbacks to live with their favorite receiver. Is it only a white thing? Do Mack Brown and Urban Meyer do this because of an emphasis on saving the endangered species - white receivers? I am not sure, but put me down for crashing on the McCoy-Shipley couch if I had to pick. I'd put up with Shipley playing his guitar over Tebow watching "8 minute surgery" videos.
Are you making light of the amazing fact that Tim Tebow and Riley Cooper live together and that Colt McCoy and Jordan Shipley live together?
Don't you realize how astounding it is that two football players choose to live together?
I'm channeling Verne Lundquist for the first two sentences.
Speaking of which, I think Fox should bring in Verne to call the Texas-Florida game just so he can sprinkle the roommate information for us during the game. Would his head explode with two quarterback/wide receiver roommate combinations in the same game?
It's entirely possible.
Ben F. writes:
Wait, Toby Gerhart is white?
This e-mail is funnier because right now a bunch of people reading this are realizing it for the first time.
Yep, Stanford has a white tailback who is leading BCS schools in rushing.
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is, be still my beating heart, my coaching crush Mike Leach. As if it weren't enough that he went on "Friday Night Lights" -- spoiler alert, I have to wait until January to watch the show because I don't have DirecTV -- after the loss to Texas A&M, Leach blamed the loss, partly, on the players' "fat little girlfriends." Given the status of bingo wings in Florida, Urban Meyer should file this excuse away. It's much better than blaming the flu for poor performances.
Not to be outdone, as reader Chris V. e-mails, "There is now a website up selling apparel at fatlittlegirlfriend.com.
Outstanding.
As many of you know, my college football picking war with my family's former French exchange student Audrey, continues. Last week, sigh, we picked the exact same teams in our six-game slate. So we both went 2-3-1. This means for the season I am now, wait for it, 20-20-2. The perfection of the number notwithstanding, it is impossible to be more average. I am, in effect, the reasonable college football fan. Meanwhile, Audrey is 16-23-3. My lead is slim as we lead into this week's slate of games.
Here are my picks below in bold:
Boise State -21.5 @ Louisiana Tech
Northwestern @ Iowa -16
Ohio State @ Penn State -4
LSU @ Alabama -9
Oklahoma -6 @ Nebraska
UConn @ Cincinnati -17
And here are Audrey's picks along with her rationales when given. Often, I have no idea what her rationales actually mean.
Boise
Northwestern for Chicago
Penn State for Paula
Alabama
Nebraska style
Cincy where is that?
On to All That and a Bag of Mail.
Matt R. writes:
Just finished reading On Rocky Top. Excellent read. Congrats. With your description of Phil Fulmer, I saw true class. That got me wondering. What is the "classiness" in the SEC as far as coaching goes?
I'm a huge fan of the other UT (Hook em Horns!), and think Mack Brown is a classy individual. While he may grandstand occasionally for the press, the man has a good heart and has a real team philosophy.
In the SEC, I see little left; the programs with class acts usually suck. The Spikes-eye-gouge incident highlights Meyer as a particularly win-centric coach. What are your thoughts?
My friends and I have actually had a bar debate about this, who do we think is genuinely the best guy among SEC coaches? In the debate we eliminate our favorite teams from contention and ask a basic question: If you had a son, who would you want him to play for because you know that even if they ended up sucking as a football player, they'd still be a better person for being around that coach?
And we thought about this for a long time. Immediately we tossed out Nick Saban, Bobby Petrino, Urban Meyer, Lane Kiffin and Houston Nutt as people we thought would be really great role models.
We didn't feel like we knew enough about Gene Chizik or Dan Mullen to make a determination.
We eliminated Les Miles because he's crazy. (Even though I'd give anything to have a relative play for Miles just for the stories.)
So that left us with Mark Richt, Bobby Johnson, Steve Spurrier and Rich Brooks to pick among.
And I think I'd have to go with Bobby Johnson among that group.
Now, I think there are certainly assistant coaches and coordinators who could make the list -- Monte Kiffin, Charley Strong -- for instance, but among head coaches, you're right, the pickings are getting slim.
Nate R. writes:
Once again, no mention of Oregon in your mailbag ... just the way we like it. If you think that USC will march into Autzen on Halloween night and beat the Ducks, you are sorely mistaken. This will be USC's worse loss points-wise in the Pete Carroll era.
I enjoy your work and have for a few years. Just a little pet peeve as a reader: please eliminate "look" and "listen" from your arsenal. We are already looking. We are not listening; we are reading. Thanks.
This is one of the best e-mail predictions I've ever gotten. Not just that USC would lose, but that it would be the worst loss of the Pete Carroll era?
Wow.
I did pick Oregon over USC in the picks, so I'm not sure I expected the Trojans to march in to Autzen and dominate.
As for the the looks and listens in the column, I write the column like I'm talking with you. Plus, let's be honest, many people who e-mail in their hate, are reading the column out loud while moving their lips. We know them as the Florida fans who go shirtless to games.
I want them to feel welcome.
Jesse H. writes:
On cell phones and toilets, I work in the cell phone industry and was a former tech for a carrier. Unfortunately, I saw many a wet phone courtesy of the toilet. The interesting thing, in my experience, was it happened to females more than males. I haven't spent a lot of company time thinking about it and how that was the case, but it has been discussed with co-workers trying to figure out how it happens way more to females. Just thought I would share that nugget of knowledge with you. Keep up the great writing!
Come for the sports, stay for the sociological reports on cell phone in toilet losses.
My guess here: women have to sit, exposing their pockets to disaster. This bests my prior theory, which is that women go to the bathroom together, become overcome with sexual desire for one another, passionately make out and lose their phones while deep in the throes of passion.
A Few Halloween Costume Suggestions:
Joey F. writes:
You could go as Archie Griffin, the ONLY two-time Heisman winner. Obviously that will still be true after this season.
Wrong, Tebow is going to win the Heisman. I don't necessarily think he deserves it this year -- conversely, I did think he deserved it last year -- but I do think he's going to get it.
Anthony H. writes:
Neither of these two costumes have anything to do with the game this weekend......but you could always go as Steve Tannyhill......whose powerful mullet lead to the downfall of Coach Majors.......
And of course a fat suit and a UK Jersey and you have none other than the hefty lefty.
Next year I'm throwing a Halloween party and every guy invited -- which will be like 10 people -- has to come as a former SEC quarterback.
And you have to come dressed as a fan other than the one you root for.
In a similar vein, all women will be required to dress as topless cheerleaders.
Adam D. writes:
Clay,
I think you should go as Man-kini from The SOUP. He has a beard, he wears a bikini top (great for 89 degree weather) and he has a cult following like yourself. Who knows maybe Joel McHale invites you on the show? Have a great weekend.
This went up while I was down at the Cocktail Party. I just filed a 4k word epic on the Cocktail Party late last night that should be up today. In the meantime, read the full mailbag here.
By the time you read this, I'll be on a Southwest flight to Jacksonville for the Cocktail Party. Already your costume suggestions are arriving, and I have to say, I think we have a winner. The suggestion is actually genius. It involves a Baby Bjorn, aviator sunglesses, and ... the pictures will be ready soon. But leaving that aside, let me give you a tip this weekend, the time changes. The f'ing time, it always screws you somehow. Even if, to be fair, the night after Halloween is a pretty epic time for an extra hour of sleep.
I've always hated the time change because I live in Nashville, right at the beginning of the central time zone. This means that during the winter it gets light at 3AM and dark here at 3PM. This is only a subtle exaggeration. The worst thing about this city is that it encourages people to get up way too early in the morning. I've lived on the East Coast, in the Caribbean, and in Europe. In all of those places, it isn't considered an asset to get up at dawn. (Right: Nashville, approaching evening cocktails at 6AM)
Here? It's an asset.
Anyway, as you can tell, I'm anti-time change. Even when it helps me by giving me an extra hour to make my flight back to Nashville on Sunday. Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Wes from The Ruins. Previously Wes has been on Real World Austin and many of the challenges. I first wrote about him back in September of 2006, and for a while there we were e-mail buddies. But he came out of retirement after three years this fall. And it's shameful for me to admit how pumped I was when I saw that he'd returned.
Spoiler alert.
He was eliminated from the challenge on Wednesday night. But he's the most entertaining reality star on the face of the planet, and the least we can do is hand him our beaver pelt trader of the week award.
Okay, on to our picks.
Last week Audrey and I both went 3-3 so my lead remains. I'm now 18-17-1 while she is 14-20-2.
My picks this week:
Indiana @ Iowa -17.5
Georgia v. Florida -15
South Carolina @ Tennessee -6
Texas -9 @ Oklahoma State
Southern Cal -3 @ Oregon
San Jose State @ Boise State -35
And here are Audrey's picks with her rationales:
Indiana since I learned how to pronounce it!
Georgia
UT
Oklahoma State
Oregon
Boise State that is so lost!
Yep, amazingly, we picked all six of the same results.
I'm dead.
Victoria D. writes:
So I'm watching the "Locker Room" sports talk show I recorded from Sunday morning ... and this guy just called in ... and said : "I'm not exactly talkin' murder, but isn't it time for Kiffin to pull a John Wilkes Booth and just get rid of this whole Lincoln problem."
Thought you'd get a kick out of that, I sure did, haha. Gotta love Southern football fans.
Okay, to deconstruct for those who might not be aware, Daniel Lincoln is Tennessee's kicker. He missed three field goals last week against Alabama.
As for the statement, how could Kiffin "pull a John Wilkes Booth" and not kill Lincoln? Did I miss the history class where Booth showed up at the White House and tried to gently persuade Lincoln to end the Civil War? The regular tea and crumpets dinner between the two? So I think this caller, given his analogy, is "talkin' murder."
I will say this, Kiffin should go after Terrence Cody instead. After the deed, he needs to grab the mic and scream, "Sic Semper Terrencis."
I believe this translates quite nicely as, "Thus always to Terrences."
Tim F. writes:
Conventional wisdom would tell you that Iowa couldn't hang with an SEC team in the title game. I wouldn't doubt this version of the Hawkeyes. They have risen to EVERY occasion this season.
The computers LOVE them due to road wins at Penn State, Wisconsin, and Michigan State. If a win in Columbus is added to that resume, the voters won't rank them below Cincinnati, Boise, or TCU. The glass ceiling doesn't apply to Big Ten teams.
If they could reach No. 3 in the coaches' and Harris Polls after Championship Saturday, then the computers may put them OVER an undefeated Texas squad and into a title game.
It could happen.
If Iowa ends up ranked ahead of an undefeated Texas, then the Longhorns are going to secede. Not from the BCS, mind you, but the entire state of Texas is going to return to the days when they were an independent country and leave the United States.
I don't think Iowa passing Texas would happen, but I do think the debate between an undefeated Iowa and an undefeated Cincinnati would be epic. Personally, I'd be inclined to favor Cincinnati, but Iowa's win over Arizona and Cincinnati's win over Oregon State should render a one-loss USC out of the picture. Only it wouldn't.
I'll write about this next week, but what if LSU goes into Tuscaloosa and beats Alabama? Then LSU runs the table from there. In the event of a Texas loss, does Florida have to play LSU in the SEC Title game and then the winner of that game play Alabama after in the BCS title game? Even above a no-loss Iowa or Cincinnati?
Maybe.
For the first time in a while this year, I have a sense that the end of this season is going to be incredibly messy.
Here goes with the full mailbag. http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/10/23/mailbag-from-rome-to-boardwalk/
By the time you read this I'll be at book signing in Birmingham. Then I'll be hanging out on the radio in Birmingham and Memphis for Friday. Getting prepped up for the UT-Alabama game. Which brings me to the above link, remember when you were a kid and you'd watch old games that your dad had seen and think they looked ancient. Well, meet the CBS introduction to Tennessee-Alabama from 1996.
How ancient does this thing look? And it's only 13 years old. Look at Jim Nantz's mullet, the neon graphics that look like something you designed in computer class. Seriously, how is it possible that we used to think this was awesome? If my son ever sees this intro, which he one day will, he's going to look at me like I used to look at my dad when old sporting clips played. He'll be thinking, "Man, your sports were really lame, Dad."
Our beaver pelt trader of the week goes to Jim Nantz's 1996 mullet.
Anyway, on to our picks with the French girl and from there, to All That and a Bag of Mail.
In my continuing battle with my family's former French exchange student, Audrey, we hit a bit of a snag last week. Namely, she didn't submit her picks because she was traveling without internet access. But, fortunately, I submitted mine and managed to go 3-3. Meaning, nothing really changed. So we'll consign last week to the dustbin of Internet history and continue anew this week.
To refresh, I'm 15-14-1 and Audrey is 11-17-2
Here are my picks followed by Audrey's.
Arkansas @ Ole Miss -6.5
Tennessee @ Alabama -16.5
Iowa -1 @ Michigan State
Florida -23 @ Mississippi State
Auburn @ LSU -7.5
Oregon State @ USC -21
Audrey's picks along with her rationalizations (or possibly a word association exercise):
Ole Miss - Crocodile Tennessee - Of course Michigan State - lake Florida - Hurricane Auburn - Hair Oregon State - Where the hell is that?
Craig B. writes:
Clay,
Since you are the resident expert on all things modern man, I wanted to pass along this article and get your thoughts. This guy says that ancient Australian aboriginals run close to the speed of Usain Bolt?Also, a Roman Legion would complete a marathon and a half a day? That's almost 40 miles a day!
In all seriousness, what does this say for the modern male, especially coupled with the steady emasculation by women. Is all lost for the modern male?
Also, did you make the bet with Vernon? Is the beard on the line? Your Vols will not cover!
Roll Tide!
This article is awesome because we can extrapolate the speed that someone was running based on ancient footprints in the mud? How much more amazing is that ability than being able to run really fast? In this article, I'm troubled by the definition of ancient man, though. For instance, before the mind was fully developed does it really surprise you that we would have been stronger? Or faster?
And if we play the thread back far enough isn't that like being jealous of a our pre-evolutionary ancestors? Can you even do that?
I do buy the Roman Legion business, those guys were unbelievable. I mean if Oprah can run a marathon today, does it surprise me that some of the baddest warriors in the history of mankind could run 40 miles while carrying half their body weight?
Wouldn't this be an awesome television show, you and a bunch of buddies try to be Roman Legion guys? With no training.
And you have to cover 40 miles while carrying all of your armor.
How long would this take to complete?
Days, certainly. A week? Especially if you couldn't leave any men or material behind. I'd love to see this. Hell, I'm volunteering to try.
But I still don't believe some aboriginal in Australia is faster than Usain Bolt. In fact, the more I think about this, the more ridiculous I think it is.
Although I wish we could clone these guys and give them modern running technology like the author suggests. My other favorite thing from this article was the bit about the African tribesmen who had to jump their height to become men.
What if you couldn't do that? How frustrating would it be to constantly fail?
Also, he suggests that jumping a lot makes you a better jumper. That's not really true, right? I mean, at least not to any great extent. You might add a couple of inches to your vertical, but jumping ability is one of the most innate athletic talents there is.
Anyway, fascinating article. Clearly, we're all pansies.
Jason O. writes:
C'lay,
Jake the Snake warns about the spread of snakes.
I think that a hefty dose of DDT would do the trick here.
An idea: Our new strategy for stopping the entry of exotic snakes into America, Jake the Snake DDT's the offending smugglers.
Maybe we even have a ship moored out in international waters where we take these guys so the Constitution wouldn't apply. At least in the Bush White House.
Better strategy, what if we started broadcasting old Jake the Snake wrestling tapes to the Pakistani and Afghani militants, with the idea that Jake was an exotic mystic with superhuman powers.
Then instead of waterboarding them to get information, we just bring in Jake the Snake, he turns over a few chairs, pulls out Damien, and they confess after being threatened with the DDT.
My opinion on fall weddings is clear: They shouldn't exist. Notwithstanding that fact, by the time you read this I'll be traveling to Atlanta for a wedding. My role? I'm an usher. Seriously, an usher. The quintessential position for men at weddings when you're not well-respected enough to stand in front of the crowd, but too well-known by the bride and groom to be left in the crowd. Instead you help people be seated.
Which is a great and noble thing to do if you're like 16. If you're an usher and you're 30, you just look ridiculous. So tip your beaver pelts this way this weekend, I'll be the usher hitting refresh on his phone to see what the scores of all the games are.
Anyway, our beaver pelt trader of the week is Colt McCoy's girlfriend. For obvious reasons ... reasons for which you should consult with our good friends at Google image search. Then look for my column on weddings, football, and the like by Sunday afternoon.
On to All That and a Bag of Mail.
As you'll no doubt recall, I continue to distinguish America by picking against my family's former French exchange student, Audrey. In particular, I soared out to a 3-3 record last week, while Audrey went 2-3 and left off one pick. So we'll call that a push and let her be 2-3-1.
I'm now 15-14-1 while Audrey is 11-17-2. Here are my picks for the weekend:
Oklahoma v. Texas -3.5
Iowa @ Wisconsin -2.5
Cal -4 @ UCLA
Arkansas @ Florida -24.5
Southern Cal -10 @ Notre Dame South Carolina @ Alabama -17.5
And here are Audrey's:
TBD
James B. writes:
C'lay
If Jamarcus Russell went to Texas Tech, could he throw for seven TDs?
I thought about this after my buddy sai,d "I could put up those numbers at Texas Tech." I almost think he could, and believe he'd do it before JaMarcus could.
On the season or in one game?
I kid, I kid.
Here's all you need to know, Mike Leach found his kicker during a halftime contest. Could he plug in a No. 1 pick in the NFL draft and make him a star in college? One hundred percent yes. Mike Leach could plug anyone in at quarterback and make them a star. Even your mom.
Reality show worth watching: Mike Leach takes your mom and matches her up against the Georgia defense. Could she be a 300 yard passer? Would Georgia keep playing the run on play after play? I'm picturing the camera cutting away to Willie Martinez as he furiously chews on gum and stares out at the offense on the field. He's stacked the line for a run!
Again.
And again.
And again.
Meanwhile your mom is taking the snap, high kick of the leg (it's a silent count) and rolling right or rolling left hitting one receiver after another with her wobbly end over end pass as the receiver runs the drag route. Camera cuts to Martinez with his hands on top of his head staring at the sky.
Meanwhile your mom is doing the sigma sign on both sides of her helmet.
Anyway, recognizing defenses, like writing a Disney screenplay starring a pink dolphin that makes a billion dollars, is one of the few things in life I'd guarantee I'd be good at. So many college offenses only require passes of 40 yards and under that I think I could pull off some of these throws. Now, once I got hit on a pass, I'd curl up in the fetal position, suck on my thumb, and go chart passes on the sideline. But I'd definitely be quick enough to know where the ball should go.
Brad L. writes
I was thinking about throwing my beard a birthday party. He will be one year old soon.
By all means. Throw your beard a party. Why not? My beard will turn seven around Thanksgiving. Yep, I've had it since the fall of 2002. As beards go for 30-year-old men, it's like Methuselah at this point.
Also, my son turns 2 soon, and I'm sure we'll throw him a birthday party. But here's the deal, he doesn't have any friends that will come to the party. Remember when you look at the pictures of you turning 2 and there were all these other kids around and it was a wild party? Of course you actually remember none of it, but it was a really big deal.
Well, Fox doesn't have any friends his own age. Perhaps more ominously, we don't have any close friends with kids his age. So he's going to be the only kid at his second birthday party. At what age do you have to have kids at your party or you're a loser? Can we rent some?
Anyway, 2- year-olds don't really like each other. It's just another person trying to take Thomas the Train from you. They're basically like teenage girls in this respect, only you replace Thomas the Train with a gangly boy with braces.
Ben F. writes:
Clay,
Clear up this debate. If you took the SAT tomorrow, would you be smarter or dumber than you were at 18. SAT score wise, anyway.
Definitely dumber. Post-18, there's nothing that I've learned that would make me test better. That's primarily because I was always very good at the verbal sections of tests like that. And awful at math. So I wouldn't have improved on the verbal side of things and those are the skills I've continued to use. Whereas I can barely do any math now.
For instance, if you gave me a geometry test, I'd start to cry. Just think about all the things you know exist in the geometrical universe, for instance, but have no idea how to use or explain. The hypotenuse, obtaining angle measurements when they give you one number in the far right corner, protractors; there's a real argument to be made that geometry is the most useless skill that any of us learn in school. I mean that honestly. Since ninth grade, I've never had to know any of this stuff except for on the SAT or ACT.
But who has?
The .0001% of us who have gone on to be architects?
Maybe.
Why do the rest of us need to learn this?
Speaking of which, you know the only thing I remember really well from ninth grade geometry? My assigned seat was near the pencil sharpener. Remember the old-school pencil sharpeners on the wall? They were metallic silver and spit out all those pencil shavings that would end up in your eye and you couldn't see for like a week? The teacher would be talking and then someone would walk up to the pencil sharpener and you couldn't hear anything for about five minutes? Then a few teachers got the electric sharpeners and those things were the iPhone of the early 1990's. People would stand around and look at the electric sharpener like ancient man used to look at fire.
Anyway, whenever girls went to the old-school pencil sharpener and cranked the machine, it was the ninth grade equivalent of the stripper pole. Their entire bodies would move. It was a pencil peep show. We'd all hit each others arms when the hot girls went to the pencil sharpener.
Anyway, I'd be dumb, but not as dumb as I'd feel if I took the bar exam again. Read the rest here.
I was traveling by the time this went up, so I didn't link it here. Enjoy.
My dance with Comcast continues. After much prompting from my wife, I called this morning to report that our phone wasn't working. After 45 minutes on my cell phone, there is still no dial-tone on the home phone. What's more, in an effort to get the phone to work, Comcast turned off my internet. So now I'm writing this mailbag from my car. Parked on a side street, using a wireless signal in my neighborhood.
Comcastic!
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is David Letterman. If only all of us who have made dumb decisions in our lives could acknowledge and sweep them away this easily. For those of you who don't know, a CBS employee attempted to extort David Letterman over his dalliances with former writers. Which led to the line that will be attached to Letterman long after he's gone. "Would it be embarrassing if it were made public? Perhaps it would," Letterman said. "Especially for the women."
On to All That and a Bag of Mail and my contest with France.
Many of you will recall that I'm currently enmeshed in a picks battle with my family's former French exchange student, Audrey. Last week, we both went 2-4, which means we remain tied at 8 correct, 9 wrong and 1 push.
This is starting to get in my head.
Here are my picks this week. Do the opposite, and you have a greater likelihood of success.
Washington @ Notre Dame -13
LSU @ Georgia -4
Honestly, this game could end up 42-3 LSU or 42-3 Georgia and neither would surprise me.
Auburn @ UT -2.5
How is it possible that this line has moved in favor of Tennessee when I don't know a single Tennessee fan who would be willing to bet on the Vols? Where is all this mysterious money pouring in from? Do Saudi Arabian oil sheiks have an in here?
Oklahoma -7 @ Miami
USC -4.5 @ Cal
Alabama -15 @ UK
And here are Audrey's picks with her rationales.
"Georgia on my mind Notre Dame for Esmeralda and Quasimodo UT for Norm (that's my dad) Miami Cal Kentucky Derby"
Enter the mailbag.
Bert N. writes:
You say in the starting 11 that it's a tragedy Auburn isn't ranked. The problem is that voters this year are overly reactionary with teams in the Midwest and out west ... did anyone really think Washington was the No. 24 team after upsetting USC? Does anyone really believe Iowa is the No. 13 team after beating Penn State?
Case in point: South Carolina upsets the No. 4 team in a hard-fought, tough game. Not ranked this week. Iowa upsets No. 5 team in a hard fought, tough game; No. 13 this week.
Is a road win really worth that much more? Lets not forget SC came one amazing play by a UGA 'backer from being undefeated right now.
How does Houston become so celebrated for beating one team that everyone kind of thought might not be ready for the big time? No. 12? It's hard to see.
I realize all the early upsets make the polls crazy and they will likely settle back to what they should be in a month, but i am so tired of the reactionary voting being done.
It makes no sense.
End Rant. Back to case briefs.
Bert,
You're completely correct. I've started drafting a column along these lines: why don't poll voters have to pass an accreditation test?
Think about this, you don't get a license to do other important jobs without proving that you're deserving of the responsibility, right? You can't be a lawyer, doctor, professor, Amsterdam sex worker, or anything like that without proving your credentials to an independent body. Yet, when you see some of these polls come out it's like they're being drafted by your Egyptian grandmother.
I want someone to ambush these guys with simple questions: Name a player on Houston other than Case Keenum. Who is the coach at TCU? True or false, if one team beats another team, they should be ranked higher? Think of it as a George W. Bush style ambushing from back in 2000 when he was quizzed on who the world leaders were.
We overlooked Bush's lack of knowledge back then because clearly being the leader of the free world is a much less important job than selecting who should play for the BCS/Antimatter championship. But I don't think we'd overlook these responses.
Dear Clay,
You're an idiot ... The answer to your blog re: Tim Tebow is NO!!!!!!.. He should not have been in the game. How can you write such drivel. Why do people pay you??
I didn't major in economics, but my general understanding of the capitalistic system is that we exchange labor for money or other valuable services. I believe this is why FanHouse pays me.
I've also got a new theory: The more exclamations or question marks you use the at the end of a sentence, the less intelligent you are. The only exception is if you're a teenage girl and your dad just texted that he got you Miley Cyrus tickets. Which one are you, Bill M.?
Also, why go six exclamations and then follow it up with the two periods? Does hitting the exclamation that many times erase the exclamation and then you just peter out to the periods? I'm baffled by this.
One of my favorite things is when people adopt definite opinions on questions that don't lend themselves to definite answers ... then become irate when people have the different opinion than them.
More interesting issue than Bill's question, don't you have to hold Tebow out of the LSU game if he has any lingering issues whatsoever? How far is Florida actually going to fall if they lose to LSU without Tebow? Maybe to number four? And do they even need Tebow to beat LSU?
Given three weeks from the hit, Tebow should be ready to roll for the rest of the season.
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is 16-year-old Cammie Colin, a cheerleader who killed a 10-foot alligator. Can I just make this public: I'd like to go on an alligator hunt. Will someone take me? E-mail me if so. I'll write about it.
Last week marked the inauguration of our season-long, Clay Travis vs. French girl competition. I'm pleased to report that I upheld all that is true and just in the world by trouncing Audrey, my family's former exchange student, 4-2 vs. 3-3.
This week we're picking these games. My picks are in bold.
Florida (-30) vs. Tennessee
Cal (-14) vs. Minnesota Virginia Tech (-5) vs. Nebraska
Oregon State (-2) vs. Cincinnati
BYU (-7) vs. Florida State
Arkansas (-1) vs. Georgia
Here are Audrey's picks along with her rationales.
"Tennessee -- yeah baby Minnesota for Brandon Walsh :-) Nebraska Style for Casey Oregon State -- where is Oregon? BYU Baiser Yummee Ursula Georgia -- Flashdance
I think I'm gonna love that game."
I have no clue what most of her comments mean, aside from the Brandon Walsh line, but it appears that we have mostly picked different teams this week.
Now on to All That and a Bag of Mail:
John C. writes
Clay --
I'm in trouble.
First, a confession. I'm breaking last week's relationship rules and dating (more specifically, marrying) within the conference. I am a life-long, die-hard fan of the Arkansas Razorbacks, engaged to a beautiful, wonderful Georgia Bulldog. The two don't play each other on a yearly basis, but the rotating schedule has left me in a bind this week.
Sunday, I started the trash-talking, and it didn't go over well. I asked what Saturday night would be like, and she told me "as long as you're respectful, we'll be fine." Let's just say, I don't really have plans on being respectful when the Hogs take the field. As you know (because you wrote it in the preseason), this game is our coming-out party. We will show the nation we are a real competitor in this conference. After the game, I will be drunk, loud, and obnoxious. So, what do I do? I've sent out feelers to see if she'd go watch the game with her parents, and that's not gonna fly. How do I celebrate the biggest win of the Petrino era, and keep my wedding on track for next June?
Oh, Clay, please help.
Man, this is really tough. Because let's be clear about something here, you guys are going to score a ton of points against Georgia. Now, the Bulldogs may score a ton of points as well. Which means I foresee a seesaw game that constantly tugs at your emotions. One moment you'll be riding high, the next moment your fiancee's no doubt ample cleavage will be bouncing as she celebrates a big play touchdown.
Your first indication was a good one, getting her out of the house to watch the game elsewhere would be an excellent move. But she's already shot this down. And you're right, I've been predicting how big this game is going to be for Arkansas fans for months. So I can't even consider asking you to tone down the celebration.
So here's what I suggest, give Friday night to her. Take her to her favorite restaurant, go see that stupid movie called "The Time Traveler's Wife," and book her a massage for early Saturday morning. Along the way drop hints about how excited you are about the wedding. Then, try to capitalize with early afternoon sex. Because she might not be willing to sleep with you by the end of the game if Arkansas dominates. In the midst of your post-coital cuddling, lie to her and tell her that no football team could ever come between your relationship. Explain that you'll root for Georgia in every game for the next five years that doesn't feature them playing Arkansas. This is a white lie, and it's good practice for marriage. Then I think you'll be good for the evening.
Also, only cheer your team, don't tear down her team via trash talk as much as you might like to do so. As a bonus, if your team loses, she might be willing to sleep with you again. Consider this a rare treat.
All That and a Bag of Mail: I hate you Clay Travis edition
Friday, August 7, 2009
I decided to roll with the most entertaining hate mail I've gotten in the past couple of weeks. After a prolonged summer absence during which I've been on vacation three weeks--I promised my wife when the book was over we could get away before football season and the book tour rolled out-- it's good to be back in the mailbag saddle.
Hate mail is always entertaining. Primarily because I don't know who these people are who actually send hate mail. I've never done it. Have you? Who does this? If you don't know someone, what true psychological issues do you have if you're sending hate email?
But beforehand, our beaver pelt trader of the week is Bill Clinton. How much of a rock star is this guy? Even still? Hops on a plane to North Korea and manages more rapprochement with Kim Jong-Il in ten minutes than we've had in nine years. Why? Because supposedly Kim Jong-Il appreciated the personal letter of condolence that Clinton wrote to him after his father died. There's a lesson there, even though there are six billion of us, a personal touch can go a long way.
And with that, let's roll with the (mostly) hate mail. (One note: I feel bad not including all the positive emails, but I tried to personally reply to everyone who wrote something nice. So hopefully y'all have those by now. These people I didn't respond to.)
Mike Walker writes:
suckit@ClayTravisIsLowerThanShit.com
You are such a greasy grimey douchebag. Kill yourself!!!
I tried, the gun jammed.
Apologies. I think the barrel was too grimy. Which, wow, I can spell correctly.
I'm beginning with this one because if the website claytravisislowerthanshit.com ever got rolling, I'd link to it every day.
This is from our new contact button.
Name: Your are a Moron Company: Email: youarentajournalist@yousuck.com Phone: -- Comments: Nice Question to Tebow asshole...I hope your media credentials get yanked as I am sure they will
"Your are a Moron."
I mean, honestly, do you have to make ridicule this easy?
Why are unintelligent people so focused on my media credentials? And why do they think that if they got yanked I'd be screwed.
Here are the media credentials I've requested in five years of writing about sports. This is a complete list.
The 2007 Motor City Bowl in Detroit (CBS sent me to cover the worst bowl game in America).
2008 UT vs. Kentucky (I got bumped upstairs for this game because of the overflow on the sideline for Fulmer's last game).
SEC Media Days 2009.
That's it. In five years of online writing, those are the only three media credential requests I've ever made. I'm going to request credentials for next year's SEC Media Days just to see what the response is, but otherwise it's not like I need to be in the press box to write. In fact, I think you can make a strong argument that the reason the column and books have been so successful is because I'm not writing from the press box.
Other point worth considering: Thanks to y'all we've sold more books about college football than any of the other 900 media members at SEC Media Days. If I wanted to start gigging Tony Barnhart, I'd start a website called "Therealmr.collegefootball.com"
That was the most entertaining thing to me about the Tebow response. Okay, so you disagree with the question, go ahead and write your outrage column. (Note: outrage columns are the easiest columns on earth to write because all you have to do is disagree with something. You don't have to actually have an original thought. That's why I try to avoid them for the most part.) But the most entertaining were the ones who labeled me a "blogger" (as if that's some sort of huge pejorative) or wrote that I wrote "online." (Again, ditto.) But the best of all were the people who wouldn't name me because I was so far beneath them. I'm looking at you Anniston Times.
Raise your hand if you know which state Anniston is in. Don't worry, I didn't either.
Have you not been in a bookstore in the past five years? Never checked Amazon sales ratings? Never read anything online about the sport you cover?
No.
Well, that's why no one reads your newspaper anymore, hombre. Because by the time you get around to penning your column, it's old news. Keep at it.
Name: Tucker Company: Email: @gmail.com Phone: -- Comments: Do you think Tebow is still a virgin for faith based reasons or because there is not a woman outside of Krypton who could survive having sex with him much less birth his immortal offspring? I think it would be a lot like the sex scene from Hancock.
Great question.
What if we mated Tebow and say, Serena Williams? Can you imagine what that child would be like? I'll tell you, the Mulatto Superman. (Our President excepted.)
The muscles would be extraordinary. It's possible Serena is the only woman who could survive sex with Tebow.
I mean that.
By the way, I should do a study on where my hate mail originates from. For instance, if you're writing me from a hotmail address, there's a four billion% greater chance that you don't like me. As you move up the food chain, gmail hate mail is virtually nonexistent.
Why is this? I think the younger and smarter you are the more likely you are to have a gmail address.
Of course if you don't have an email address at all, then you listen to Paul Finebaum's radio show for four hours every day.
Kevin Carver writes:
Punk. You are an "absolute" idiot and asshole for asking Tim Tebow that question. Where did that come from? Perhaps the fact that YOU are a LOSER!
Why is "absolute" in quotation marks? Am I an ironic idiot? Did this guy stop typing and do the finger quotation marks then feel compelled to include them in an email?
It can't be for emphasis because by virtue of YOU and LOSER we're aware that his caps lock key works.
See, deciphering the email punctuation of "absolute" LOSER(s) is so much fun.
Kevin writes:
I am a fan of your work. I've read your book Dixieland Delight and enjoy listening to you on the Roundtable each week. I ran across a picture of the new Alabama quarterback with Bama Bangs the other day. The picture must have been taken when he was backup to John Park Wilson, because he has since cut them off. I am unable to attach the photo here, so let me know if you want a copy.
Okay, interrupting the email for a moment to touch on McElroy. I wrote earlier today that of the four SEC teams ranked in the top ten in the USA Today poll--Florida, Bama, LSU, and Ole Miss--I think LSU is the most likely to fall outside the top 25 by the end of the season. And make no mistake, one of these four teams will. And it ain't going to be Florida. I eliminated Ole Miss because their schedule is so easy and that left me with Bama and LSU. I picked LSU.
Why?
Greg McElroy and Jordan Jefferson of LSU are absolute mysteries to all of us. But here's something for Bama fans to get excited about: I talked to one of the guys from the Manning Passing Academy this week and he said, "McElroy was the best college quarterback there."
That's better than Jevan Snead. Now the consensus was that Jonathan Crompton looked the second best so, take that for what it's worth.
His 'Bama Bangs disappearing will come as a major shock to the state of Alabama come fall. I'm not sure they'll even let him in Gallette's anymore.
Aalucero1@aol.com
I know that you think if you are really super nice to Erin Andrews maybe she will sleep with you but you are forgetting that you are a douche bag. That was clearly one of the worst articles I have ever read. You started making a point and dropped it several times. You might as well have made it a run on sentence, that way it just might have made a little sense. It should have never been an article, rather a paragraph. Kissing ass all the way through your article, protecting women's rights, and at the same time trying to appeal to a male audience that could give a shit less. I saw the video, who curls there hair totally nude and flexing, rubbing there ass the whole time. She knew it was happening, but it was probably a private video that wasn't supposed to be leaked. She only made it a big deal when she went public about it. By the way, your college decorated website is lame. It's funny how any clown with a keyboard believes they're a writer these days.
You know that I think if I'm really nice to Erin Andrews maybe she'll sleep with me? Really? Even accepting the lunacy that you can see inside my head and chose to begin your hate mail this way, has any writer ever gotten a woman to sleep with him by writing something nice about them?
The answer is no.
And if you thought the Erin Andrews piece was overly nice to her, you probably weren't smart enough to grasp the parts that were very critical of her. But even if my goal was sleeping with Erin Andrews--which by the way, would be an incredibly noble goal--I know that the best way to get hot chicks to sleep with you is not, and I repeat not, by being nice to them. That's the worst way to get hot chicks to sleep with you. All that does is permit you to be their friend and hear about the guys that they really wants to sleep with.
By the way, anyone else noticed that the number one sign you're a douchebag is that you call someone else a douchebag?
Sincerely,
any clown with a keyboard
John Breckenridge writes:
Clay,
Didn't know you existed before this stupid stunt you pulled, so I guess me and Verne Lundquist have something in common. But I hope your attempt to make Tim Tebow look ridiculous gets you banned for life from SEC media days.
How in the world could you send those VMI cadets into the Battle of New Market? How? Just because you were the youngest vice president in American history doesn't mean that you have absolute impunity when it comes to being a general on the battlefield.
Fun fact about your life:
He fought at the Battle of Monocacy in early July and was with Early when the Confederate force probed the defenses of Washington, D.C.. Since Lincoln was watching the fight from the ramparts of Fort Stevens, this was only time in American history when two former opponents in a presidential election faced one another across battle lines.
Banned for life from SEC Media Days? I won't rehash my commentary above, but that would be epic. Hopefully they'd put it in writing.
Then when the next bestselling book comes out we can lead with, "Clay Travis, the only man in the history of college football to be banned from SEC Media Days,..."
All That and a Bag of Mail: Lane Kiffin Show Edition
Friday, May 15, 2009
I've gotten so many of you sending me the Lane Kiffin show of late, that I'm finally linking two. Above Kiffin interviews Fulmer. This is actually kind of how I think it would go.
Fulmer's British accent is, paradoxically, perfect.
Here's Marlon Brown's grandmother.
Whoever does these come forward and take your bow. At least for this week, you get the beaver pelt. Anonymous-style, wild boys.
Richard S. writes:
Clay,
Have a new apostrophe name for you. I'm working a local political campaign and while entering voters into a database I came across the name "Cle'shay." My only guess is that this is pronounced the same as cliche. Maybe apostrophe names have become so common that the name is appropriate.
The irony meter is off the charts. This might be my new favorite apostrophe name. And that's really saying something. R.G. writes:
Clay, I work in football recruiting for a Division 1 school that doesn't tend to get "5 star" caliber players. In fact, the program has never gotten a single 5-star player...possibly not a 4-star either, not real sure. Everyday I am in the office I deal with the tracking and scouting of players in some capacity. My point for you to consider is this: As a school that predominantly recruits 2 and 3 star kids, I know for a fact that there are A TON more of those players floating around for programs to grab. In saying that just 11 out of 28 5 stars from 2005 were drafted, you aren't really giving the other side of things. Sure 135 two stars were drafted, and 65 three stars, but I'm not sure you really have any clue how many of those players there are out there. The number is staggering. I challenge you to figure out the percentages of total three star players to the number of three star players drafted (or total two stars to two stars drafted) . I think that the rankings would actually show that the higher the star ranking, the higher the percentage is of a player making it to the NFL. If anything it would be interesting, but I'm pretty sure I'd be right about this. Our database has over 5,000 kids added each year...because we aren't getting those top 150 or so 4 and 5 star players, we are having to look at the rest and extensively evaluate from that pool of players. Trust me, that pool tends to feature an ungodly number of 2 and 3 star players.
Matt Hinton at Dr. Saturday did the work already. Here's his breakdown. Five-stars had a 1 in 8 chance of being drafted in the first round vs. 1 in 21 for for four-stars, 1 in 107 for three stars and 1 in 412 for two stars. So the point is taken, and I knew that there were many more players available in the lower star areas.
But here's the deal, you still don't find it shocking that five-stars in 2005 were twice as likely to be arrested as be drafted in the first round? I'm not saying Rivals misses on everyone. Clearly they don't. But for the amount of attention given to top recruits in college football (where everything leads up to one signing day, mind you instead of like college basketball where top players commit really early and can sign twice), it's still a crapshoot. Just 12% on average of five-stars are first rounders. That's amazing to me. Amazingly low.
But your point is taken, that's why I included this paragraph in my column.
Now it's important to note that there are many more two- and three-star recruits in the country than there are four- and five-star recruits. But I'd always believed, mistakenly it turns out, that the size of the NFL draft made it fairly likely that just about every five-star recruit, the jewels of every recruiting class, would get drafted. The reality isn't true. Not even close.
I think most fans are operating under the assumption that most-five stars get drafted. They don't. But the arrest record was shocking.
Ben writes:
Clay,
Knowing your love of the apostrophe name, I gotta let you know about this guy. I got assigned to his habeas case at work. His name? L' Rich Beethoven Wilson. His crimes? Burglary (most recent), stat rape, and child molestation. I guess with the good, you also have to take the bad.
Enjoy. I'm due in court with him on May 18. Shall I send your regards?
Regards? Can he play offensive line? Offer that man a scholarship. (Lane Kiffin'd)
It's no surprise that fans of the apostrophe are also symphony fans, both make melodic music.
Ryan P. writes:
Clay,
If I don't get to play NCAA Football 2011, I'm going to hold you personally responsible for calling the NCAA on their crap. Give me a solution that can do away with this mess.
Well, clearly the NCAA should hire me as their consultant on this lawsuit. I'll be awaiting the call or the email. In the meantime, I think the play is pretty simple here for the future. The reality is your average college athlete loves being on the game. So the NCAA should take advantage of this and create an opt-out provision for players who don't wish to be featured.
They should also give each player, say, five free copies of the game to do with as they see fit. That serves as a payment of sorts, but, and let's be honest here, the NCAA allows payments all the time. Players get meal money on the road, they get the most expensive plane flight fares for bowl games, they get gifts from the bowl committee that are limited to a certain value.
So I think that would probably work going forward.
For past transgressions? Man, hope the NCAA's motions to dismiss are impeccable.
Okay, I'm off to buy swimming diapers for Fox. This is what my life has become. We're going to the pool.
Kurt Hester's theme song. At least according to a reader.
Our beaver pelt trader of the week goes to Texas governor Rick Perry. Why? He broached the idea of secession a couple of weeks ago. And I meant to put this up last week, but then I forgot. Here's the requisite quote:
Later, answering news reporters' questions, Perry suggested Texans might at some point get so fed up they would want to secede from the union, though he said he sees no reason why Texas should do that.
"There's a lot of different scenarios," Perry said. "We've got a great union. There's absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what might come out of that. But Texas is a very unique place, and we're a pretty independent lot to boot."
How unbelievable is this? What's even more amazing, I was reading a New Yorker article from this week's issue, and, get this, half of all Texas Republicans want to secede from the country. Half!
Are you kidding me? That's unbelievable.
I'm leaving for Texas in about an hour to visit my sister in Houston. I think I'm going to take a packet of minie balls and some sterilized rags to bite on in case of amputation.
By the way, swine flu?
Try making a decision to fly with your 15 month old son and then trying to explain to his Grandma that we'll be fine. Especially after Joe Biden's Today show appearance.
Ben writes:
Clay, how come Rough Draft isn't an actual book, you could have worked on it longer then, right?
Because the publishing industry is a lot like the NFL or NBA Draft. You have to be able to convince publishers that they're not going to lose their shirt with a book. So far there hasn't ever been a single NFL Draft book that has ever sold well. So to publishers that means there isn't an NFL Draft market.
And in order to get a publisher to take a risk with a book they don't believe there's a market for, you have to be a writer of Michael Lewis's ilk, that is you have to have made them a ton of money in the past. Originally publishers didn't want to release Moneyball because they doubted people would read it.
Chris writes:
D'ude, you're killin' it with Rough Draft. Great job!
This is certainly not meant as a back-handed compliment, but your writing has improved a lot since DDT.
Keep 'em coming!
Much appreciated. The goal with writing, as with anything else, is to get better every day. As UT quarterback Jonathan Crompton told me, "If you ain't getting better, you're getting worse. I really believe that."
Monkey see, monkey do.
Matthew H. writes:
Great stories on the draft prep... Every time I hear about Kurt Hester I think of Amos Moses. Also, my dad is a West Point grad from the class of 1966. I am really enjoying the Campbell story. It underscores what my dad wet through and how different his undergrad experience was from any of ours. The story about the demerits and marching was great. My dad got more then his share back in the day and he use to talk about his marching. He was a 28 year Army vet and was a Ranger, Chopper Pilot, Engineer (went to grad school at Stanford), then a doctor (yes, all in the army...).
Still burns me Campbell didn't get a chance with the Lions, but Duty, Honor, Country.
Looking forward to new book.
I agree, Caleb deserved a shot. He really did. But I've written a ton about this already. The Army screwed up big time.
Now you know why a strange video opened up the mailbag this week.
Andrew Mack writes:
Hey Clay, Just wanted to send along a firm "atta-boy" for your 'Rough Draft' pieces for FanHouse, and extend my gratitude for contributing to my affinity for those perilous moments when I walk to school (UVM Post-Bac Pre-Med- HooRa) completely oblivious to my surroundings as a result of my attention being transfixed to your writings on a 4" blackberry screen. I hope you know your talents as a writer will be most culpable when they are scraping the remnants of my spleen from the grill of a Ford F-150, as will be evidenced by one of your articles being on the screen of the blackberry they find a block and a half from the scene of the accident.
I'm terrifed of dying while reading my BlackBerry. This has to have happened, right?
By the way, on Monday FanHouse is announcing a new slate of writers they've added. And I'm not saying this to build up artificial hyperbole, but I think FanHouse is going to have as good of a collection of writers, myself excluded, as exists anywhere on the internet. Seriously, we're talking some real heavyweights coming on board.
My intro column will be up and running come Monday and then the ClayNation column will be off and running again.
But right now, I have to get packed for Houston. So I'm checking out early today.
Steeplechase next week in Nashville, send along your shots and we'll have a Steeplechase shot of the day. I can't wait.
All That and a Bag of Mail: Abraham Lincoln Edition
Friday, February 13, 2009
This week's beaver pelt trader of the week is Abraham F'in Lincoln--in honor of his 200th birthday. Also to placate reader Adam Y. who sent this email:
How can you not give Lincoln the Beaver Pelt Trader of the Week award? It’s been 200 years since, arguably, our greatest President was born. Just because you’re a little biased that he kicked Southern ass from Vicksburg to Charleston, and Atlanta in between, does not mean that you should deny a great member of the bearded fraternity, and a great American a beaver pelt award.
And to add insult to injury, you gave it to a Russian. Are you a tsarist, or an American.
BGID.
I'm a tsarist. Clearly. Even though, technically speaking, Rasputin was BGID of the week. Not our beaver pelt trader of the week. There's a tremendous difference.
Speaking of which, the Gettysburg Address of sports books--which will feature no less than three Abraham Lincoln jokes--is now listed on the United States version of Amazon. Yep, On Rocky Top: A Fan's Front-Row Seat to the End of an Era is up for pre-order. The release date is listed as August 25th here, but I'm told it will actually be August 18th. The cover price is $25.99 but after the Amazon discout goes up it should be in the neighborhood of $17.50. So start planning your women and orphan defrauding schemes now.
Ashley K. writes:
Clay, First of all, just want to thank you for the daily laughs... secondly I am so annoyed with this ridiculous 'Blaze' character (head coach at Pahokee high school). He sounds like such a piece of shit high school football coach with a ego problem. Anyway, I was reading this article about this whole saga and noticed that the same fine place that brought us Nu'Keese is currently grooming De'Joshua Johnson to be their next big time D1 prospect. Really, De'Joshua, so much classier than Joshua don't you think.
Blaze, Nu'Keese, De'Joshua... this place is unbelievable.
Someone has to know where the name Nu'Keese came from. I don't know how the Knoxville News-Sentinel hasn't deployed a team of reporters that would rival the Watergate investigation to figure this out. Lacking that, Brent Hubbs of Volquest could text him and ask.
As for De'Joshua, I believe that's just a mistranslation of uneducated, poor, Southern dialect. What they meant to name him was The'Joshua. Which, I think you'll all agree, would have made perfect sense.
Sean M. writes:
Clay,
Last year my roommates and I started our own spring time tradition like no other. We come up with some of the most painstakingly awful events to attend, or fetes to 'accomplish' and hand them out based on how your bracket does. Let me first say that the winner gets absolutely nothing. Instead, he just doesn't have to perform any of the punishments. The first runner up gets first choice of what he wants to do, and from there it just progresses based on the final standings. Below is the list of punishments that we have come up with so far for this year.
- Go tanning 5 times in 2 weeks - Read two romance novels and write a 5 page compare and contrast - Attend 2 Boston Militia Games: - Spend a night at the bar drinking nothing but malternatives (Smirnoff Ice, Mike's Hard Lemonade) from a straw - Sit in an upright position and watch the entire Sound of Music without getting up - Spend 5 hours here: https://www.plimoth.org
We threw out the idea of wearing a pink Jacoby Ellsbury jersey to a game at Fenway because no one would participate. Also, there are a few things to consider. We chose the Boston Militia over a WNBA game for two reasons: 1) The Connecticut Sun play at the Mohegan Sun casino, and well you could actually have fun at a casino, and 2) although the WNBA is wretched, those girls have been playing basketball since they were kids. The girls on the Militia have been playing football for 1 year. They are significantly worse at football than the WNBA players are at basketball. Also, you may think Plimouth Plantation is fairly decent, but it is much more boring than the website makes it seem (especially since you take a field trip there just about every single year you are in elementary school). And if you thought you would at least enjoy Plymouth Rock, you should know that it's encased off so you can't even get that close to it, and that a guy of average athletic ability could leap over it with a running start. The rock is that amazing. And as far as tanning goes, well let's just say that if you walk around a city as cold as Boston looking tan in April, people are going to know why.
The final stipulation, is that if people ask you why you are going through with the punishments, you can't tell people that you lost a bet. One of us lost a bet last year and had to do the Smirnoff punishment, and his responses of 'I'm drinking these because they are delicious' make it better for everyone.
So I ask you Clay, how would you rank these? And of course, we are always open to suggestions of other punishments to incorporate.
I absolutely love these ideas. I think we should do our own NCAA bracket pool and require those who participate to agree to do things like this if they lose. Then send us pictures and write about the results. This is genius. Pure genius.
Now, in looking at your list, if I had to rank them, I think comparing and contrasting the romance novels is the most crippling/funny. I would leave to read these. Second, I'd say getting a tan. Third, drinking the malternatives from a straw. (Assuming the guy is single, if you're married, big deal.) Fourth, the Boston Militia games. As for Plimoth Rock I'd probably go to on my own, even if it is lame. You're talking to the guy who insisted that his friends accompany him on the entire Freedom Trail or Patriot Walk or whatever it's called where you walk around Boston to see all the historical sites. But I'd claim this was awful so it ended up an option. Then I'd Br'er Rabbit everyone if I lost and make Plimoth my briar patch.
I also just got a postcard in the mail five minutes ago from friends, huge Oregon football fans, who visited the Civil War battlefield of Palo Alto in Texas. Yeah, I'm a dork.
I know I'm sometimes lax when it comes to following through on detail work, but we really do to come up with some great punishments that we can incorporate into a ClayNation bracket challenge. We've got a month to make this happen. Send in your nominations for punishments. We'll get ten of them or so and then require everyone who signs up for our challenge to understand the stakes and agree to them. The punishment for not following through will be a fate worse than death...being publicly branded a Big Ten fan.
Brian D. writes:
Hey Clay,
Since you co-authored "MAN: THE BOOK", I am turning to you for some expert advice.
I am a huge football fan and it pains me greatly that DANCING WITH THE STARS has started their own testicle collection of former NFL great players....and most recently have collected the cojones of Lawrence Taylor.
Next to Al Wilson and Dale Jones, Taylor is my favorite all time linebacker. It saddens me that over the next few months, he will NOT be mentioned as being a great football player, but he will be Samba-ing across the stage somewhere.
It's just not fair dammit! I want to remember him as being the great pass rusher he is. Not strutting across the stage, Cha-Chaing his butt off!
Since you are the expert, tell me if I am wrong in my thinking. Does "Dancing With The Stars" rank right up there with such "manly" tasks as squatting to pee, getting together for a quilting circle and antique shopping?
It's worse than all those things. Much worse. I don't understand why the most fearsome athlete of his era, a man who truly changed the way the game of football is played, is willing to do this. What are the odds he dances on cocaine? High, my friends, very high.
Mark P. writes:
Hey Clay:
Greetings from Toronto, Ontario, Canada home of the International Bowl and part time home of the Buffalo Bills. As a college football fan I picked up your book Dixieland Delight while I was on Christmas Vacation. This has got to be one of the funniest books not only on college football but also with pop culture references (we've all taken the hit for buddies whose wives or girlfriends have found porn that their husbands/bf have looked at).
I don't remember the last time I picked up a book and laughed to the point of tears. The wrestling references: hilarious. Although Jim Duggan was the first man to win the Royal Rumble, in Hamilton, Ontario. As a high school teacher and football coach (CFL rules), your book and web site are making the rounds with the guys I coach with - all with rave reviews. As my buddy Jeff says" each generation has a writer. For some it's Rick Reilly, for us its Clay Travis." Anyways, two things I want to bring up:
1. Bama bangs are in Canada as they are slowly replacing the hockey mullet (see Jaromir Jagr circa 1991 with the Pittsburgh Penguins)
2. As a teacher and a coach and I have been trying to get the word "bi-curious" started amongst not only my males colleagues but also one individual who is severely bi-curious. Some of our players have picked up on it when were talking to them. But here is the real snag, A NEWSPAPER WRITER IN CANADA USED THE WORD! It has made it to the press in Canada. This story was also in the Toronto Star which is a bigger publication then the Waterloo Record. clink on the link and read the paragraph on Katy Perry. Anyways, keep up the good work, love reading your columns, and hey, how about would I be able to get a copy of your book "MAN". My buddies and I are having a hard time finding it, and based on the excerpts we've read its killing us not to find a copy. If not, that's cool. Take care keep up the good work, and here's the link. Cheers,
The bi-curious era hasn't taken off as well as it should have because my editors at CBS deemed it offensive. So I couldn't spend three column years branding everything bi-curious. But the potency of the insult is even more powerful today than it was two years ago when Dixieland was released. That's because the amount of bicurious male activities these days is off the charts.
For instance did anyone watch any episodes of Bromance? We've got an elliptical machine upstairs now (yeah, I know, I suck) and the only thing on my DVR that wasn't watched were recordings of Bromance. (This is the new height of bicurious behavior for me, I was watching Bromance while using an elliptical in my own house. All I needed was to be reading Us Weekly while wearing a Kangol hat and I would have been biggest tool on earth.) After about fifteen minutes, I'd seen more homoerotic activity on the show than takes place in Nashville's Downtown Y. It was cringeworthy. The episodea I watched featured a black guy getting the same tattoo as Brody Jenner/Wayne Chism and Jenner/Chism remonstrating a guy for saying one of his favorite things about girls was their asses. Really?
Anyway, I'm not surprised that bicurious has made it to Canada. It probably arrived in Canada via a steamship that recently departed from Liverpool. You'll recall that Man the Book was a bestseller in England. Evidently I'm huge over there. I'd like to think Canada will be next.
As for Reilly, he makes $3.4 million a year from ESPN. That's about $75k per 800 word column. I'm not sure there is more overpaid writer on earth. So...yeah, I would love to my generation's Reilly.
Finally, on the porn front, married guys get thrown under the bus all the time by their single friends. For things the single friends do that the married guys don't even know about. I've got a great story for this going up next week. Stay tuned.
Jeremy D. writes:
Hey, the fog machine and the fake press conference worked. UT ended up with a top 20 recruiting class because of the fog machine. What's lame to us 20/30 somethings is exciting and cool to high-school boys whose head is swimming with fame and self-aggrandizement. These secondary violations are immaterial. Eric Berry likes Lane Kiffin and his overconfident style, so I'm with him through thick and thin. I have more of a problem with what he said about the Pahokee school than about Urban Meyer. But even then, people got waaaaaaaaaaay too offended about that comment too. I think Kiffin never intended for his 'cheater' comment to be publicized, and got too comfortable in a room full of boosters. The dude is fiery, he just needs to educate himself on the rules a little.
Don't be the guy that bashes him, there are plenty of those people out there.
I'm not the guy who bashes Kiffin, I'm the guy who calls it like I see it. So far Kiffin has shown me he has no clue how important SEC football is or how closely the media follows SEC football. I get the feeling Pete Carroll and crew get away with more even though LA is a much bigger market, and Kiffin is still using USC as his template for what he can and can't do.
Remember when Carroll had LenDale White pretend to commit suicide as a prank? It barely registered on the national scale. Can you imagine if Kiffin tried to pull that? Say he got Eric Berry to pretend to jump off one of the towers at the outdoor practice facility?
Yeah, thought so.
I'm pretty confident that the media covers UT football much more aggressively than the media covered the Oakland Raiders or USC. Why? Because there's a lot more people who care. I'm going to have a full column on this next week.
Mike R. writes:
Hey, love your column, In a few years will we see Obama with 'Bama Bangs? By the way, my uncle gave me your book for Christmas. You signed it and you wrote, "If you go to an SEC school and can't get laid by a hot chick, you're waisting your life." I'm trying to persuade my mom to let me paint those sacred words on my bedroom wall. Will you sue me if I put those on T-Shirts and sell them?
Hopefully I spelled "wasting" correctly when I signed your book. I can assure you that the Clay Travis Copyright Police generally stay out of people's bedrooms. Especially men's. So you're safe. Just as safe with the t-shirts.
I put some pretty wacky signatures in people's books. I probably misspelled a few words. There's nothing more nerve-wracking than trying to be witty and funny while writing and carrying on a conversation with someone you don't know at a book-signing.
Thanks to reader Alyson for the latest link to the latest Hitler parody. This time he reacts to Tebow's return to football.
Lane Kiffin, hate him, love him, think he's crazy or a genius, you can't deny he's bold. Fortune favors the bold, and at least in this case Lane Kiffin locks down his first beaver pelt trader of the week. On to the all that and a bag of mail: John P. writes:
Rotnei Clarke?
While watching the UT-Ark game with a friend last night after several pregame beers we were legitimately amazed to discover this fact. Is the spelling Slavic? Did you find this as baffling as we did? Also, while watching Lost after the game we came to the conclusion that you look like Sayid. BGID!
Yes, people confuse me with Sayid all the time. They say, hey wait, is that a white guy with a beard or a former Republican Guard soldier in the Iraqi army? But Sayid is BGID. Except when he got shot with the dart and Hurley had to save him.
As for Rotnei Clarke, I agree. I bet they don't give him his hotel room key when he checks in on the road. In fact, and this is a hypothetical, do you think being named Rotnei is worth an extra star in recruiting? Some guy at Rivals looks at his stats, sees he's a good player, notes his name is Rotnei, and assumes he can dunk?
I think so. I had to go to Arkansas and see what his parents names were. From the Arkansas website: "Born July 20, 1989, he is the son of Conley and Christine Clarke."
If Conley and Christine had thought to add the apostrophe he would have been an All-American.
Chris B. writes:
Clay,
I am a UT grad working on my PhD at Ohio State. Love the fact that Tennessee canceled school today because it was too cold. The wind chill this morning in Columbus was -30 and the door to my apartment was frozen shut.
As much as I miss the South, Columbus is not a bad place. It is actually quite easy to be an SEC fan here. I never catch any heat when wearing my orange around town. Seems like OSU fans are so used to losing to the SEC that they just drop their head in shame. As bad as this season was, I always had a feeling that I could make an outrageous claim like UT would be a 14 point favorite in a game with OSU and get most OSU fans to agree with me.
Last Monday, I wore a UT sweatshirt to class. After class, another student approached me and began talking SEC football. This immediately cleared the area around us. The student told me that he was a UF grad and loved being an SEC fan in Ohio. We talked for several minutes and I became aware that there were several more students joining the conversation. In a graduate class of 60, there were 6 SEC grads, myself and 5 from UF. It was about 10 degrees that night so no jean shorts were present although I am sure are probably part of the wardrobes. This sucks! I get to spend the remainder of the quarter hearing about our lord and savior, Tim Tebow. All I have so far is Layla Kiffin, help.
Pick a recruit, say Nu'Keese, and make up all sorts of stories about him. He can bench 450 pounds, he runs a 3.9, you name it. Then repeat this over and over whenever Tim Tebow's name comes up. If he sucks once the season starts, claim he isn't being used correctly in the offense. This is known as the Jonathan Crompton experience.
Alternatively just talk about how much Coach O can bench.
CLB writes:
Coach Kiffin: "Don't think that Nu'keese didn't think that if 22,000 people could be this loud and this supportive what would 107,000 look like. I really thank our fans for their support. And Bruce for that game plan, when you win it always helps. I also want to thank who ever painted 'Nu'Keese for Heisman' on The Rock. That helped too."
In other news, Dixieland Delight author and avid Volunteer fan Clay Trav'is was spotted in the paint section of Lowes this past weekend. When approached Mr. Trav'is was heard mumbling what sounded to be the phrase "sic semper apostrophhis".
This is such genius it was almost too complex for me. I'm assuming it was intentional. Sic semper tyrannis is what John Wilkes Boothe screamed just after assassinating Lincoln. It's also the state motto of Virginia. In Latin that loosely translates as, "Thus always to tyrants." (I took one year of Latin in 8th grade and my wife claims that I always brag about this. I disagree, but it's important that y'all should know that I had a year of Latin.) Ergo, a hypothetical me is mumbling, "Thus always to apostrophes."
That's very good stuff. So good that this high heat humor almost went over my head. The only issue I have with this hypothetical is that it makes me sound insane.
Kevin B. writes:
Clay,
My friends and I have a dispute, when you're cyber-stalking a girl and looking at her facebook profile, do you go straight to the close-up shots to see how good looking she is, or do you look for skin?
Ah, the eternal male dilemma. Do you start looking at a woman from the ground and work your way up, or do you start at the head and work your way down? I'm a ground-up guy.
So I think you have to go skin first. I confirmed this with a friend who claims he can scan through 200 photos in a few seconds while looking for a bikini facebook shot. I think that's the way you have to go.
Unless you've just broken up with a girl. You've never seen a man more crushed than when he sees his ex-girlfriend wearing a bikini, on a boat, and groups of guys are doing body shots off of her. Still one of the funniest facebook reactions I've ever seen.
Tad B. writes:
Clay,
To further support the BGID, I submit two photos courtesy of the Charlotte Observer. First is 3 time reigning Sprint Cup Champion Jimmy Johnson, who clearly believes that he must sport the beard in order to go for 4 championships in a row. Also pictured is Dale Earnhardt Jr, who had free reign over any woman before the beard, so imagine his powers now.
The beard is ascendant. Coming soon is my column on why Barack Obama growing a beard would save our country from depression.
Turner Bowling writes:
Hello Clay,
My name is Turner Bowling, and I am surrounded by your fans. Not a day goes by that your name, sense of humor, writing, and Tennessee fanhood isn't lauded by one or more of my coworkers. I am an English tutor at a small liberal arts college in Tennessee called Lincoln Memorial University, and the majority of the tutoring staff - or those with personality, anyway - drool at the very mention of UT athletics.
We spend hours a day testing the effects of today's computer monitors on the human eye, and much of the visual exercise is in the form of Tennessee highlights and Claynation fun. If I had a nickel for every time they advertised a link to your blog...well, you know how the saying goes. I'm a wannabe law student, and a fiction writer as well, so my friends in the tutoring lab think it only natural for me to pray in the direction of your home seven times a day, as they do.
The problem, Clay, is that I'm as hardcore a Kentucky fan as one 6'1", 160lb., 24 year old male can be. You can imagine the challenges I face on a daily basis. Now don't get me wrong, I'm quite the realist. Prior to the UK/UT football game each season, I make sure to remind myself, before anyone else has the chance, that my football team hasn't had success against UT a single time since the day I was born. When my orange-clad friends found themselves on the brink of admitting defeat before last year's game had even been played, it was I who stepped in to lift their spirits. I knew that tradition is a tough thing to break, and though I wanted to rub UK's "success" in my fellow tutor's faces, it seemed, well...wrong. As you know, UT found a way, and I sulked in my corner and continued to delete e-mails with links to your blog. Then basketball season began. And UK lost to VMI. I began to view tradition a little bit differently after that loss, as something akin to Santa Claus and unicorns, or Playboy models with Ph.Ds. Sure, we'd stumbled during exhibition games a time or two in the past, but these Wildcats - lacking a defined image, a NBA-caliber player, and, above all, a coach we, the fans, could believe in - seemed destined for a truly shitty season.
After that loss I received an e-mail with a link to your page containing a video with the words "UK," "VMI," and "Hitler" in the title, and for the first time I thought, "What the hell. Why not? My team sucks, why not humor my friendly UT supporters?" I laughed my ass off at that video, Clay. It picked me up when I needed a pick-me-up the most. I sent it to my father) and he loved it, as well. As you, Bruce Pearl, and Jodie Meeks are surely aware, the tide has shifted in the Wildcats' favor since the loss to VMI, but since then I've also enjoyed your writing on a regular basis. I hope to walk an educational path similar to yours, and Claynation.net proves to me that my career, and life as an SEC sports fan, might be a whole lot of fun for years to come. Thanks, Clay. Keep it up.
I almost feel bad posting this given the trapdoor that is the UK basketball season. Can you believe Billy G. has only been at Kentucky for one full season. This is just his second year.
Unbelievable, right?
Anyway, what do Kentucky fans think of Billy Clyde right now? It's okay to be an asshole if you win, but if you're an asshole and you aren't that successful then it's tough to justify your employment. Kentucky has to, absolutely has to, beat Florida on Tuesday. Already the Cats are #75 in the rpi. This makes, and this is the complete truth, Tennessee's home loss to Kentucky by far the worst defeat of the Vol season. It's starting to look like that game was a complete aberration. One of those games where one team plays their best of the season and another team plays their worst. We'll see.
Have good weekends. See y'all on Monday. By which time Lane Kiffin will have shown up at Urban Meyer's house and pissed on the mailbox.
Travis has become enamored of several objects, phrases or events which he frequenly references in the column. Among the most frequent:
'Bama Bangs - a term coined by Travis to refer to southern men's hairstyles that feature prominent bangs for no apparent reason. Brodie Croyle and John Parker Wilson are oft-cited violators of 'Bama Bangs rules.
Read More...
When Clay Travis, acclaimed author of Dixieland Delight, decided to spend the 2008 season up close and personal with UT football, he—and every other college football aficionado—thought he was in for a rollicking ride with one of the leading contenders for the national title. After all, when the Vols kicked off the season on September 1, the defending SEC East champions were ranked 18th in the country. As head coach Phillip Fulmer prepared for the game, he reflected upon a coaching career that included an astounding 147 victories, two SEC championships, and a national title. With 34 years at UT under his belt as both a player and coach, the Tennessee native had just signed a contract extension that projected to keep him at the university long enough to become the winningest coach in program history.
Read More...
There is no college ball more passionate and competitive than football in the Southeastern Conference, where seven of the twelve schools boast stadiums bigger than any in the NFL and 6.5 million fans hit the road every year to hoot and holler their teams to victory.
Read More...
The newly favored man is not really a man at all, but a hairless, effeminate, germ-fearing, non-meat-eating, exfoliating, wristband-wearing woman of the worst order. We as men are told that we must embrace the sacred feminine in ourselves, even if it doesn't actually exist, and become the very quintessence of woman, plus penises. This situation is untenable. This trend must stop.
Read More...
Clay Travis is the only former student manager in the history of college athletics to marry an NFL cheerleader. He managed to pull this off despite an irrational affinity for the television shows Dawson's Creek and My Super Sweet 16. While being raised in Nashville, Tenn., Travis developed a healthy obsession with college sports and Alyssa Milano. As a teenager his greatest accomplishment was taking a doo-rag wearing Luke Duke (balling as Tom Wopat) to the hole at the Nashville YMCA.
In the midst of a stellar legal career during which he specialized in rewarding the unjust and punishing the oppressed, Travis began writing for CBS Sports's SPiN section in September 2005...
Read More...
