Beaver Pelt Trader of the Week: All That and a Bag of Mail
Friday, December 12, 2008
Our beaver pelt trader of the week award goes to y'all, the All That and a Bag of Mail readers. For managing to get the Layla Kiffin sign of the apocalypse in this week's Sports Illustrated. For those of you who no longer read print publications (which I know is a lot of you), this was the sign: "One hour after Lane Kiffin was introduced as Tennessee's new football coach, 'Lane Kiffin's wife' was the most-searched term on Google. SI fact checked this through me and the evidence I provided them was a reader email. So there you go, you're all bright and shining stars. On to the mailbag.
Charles writes:
Check out the 'bama bangs in this picture.
Being FROM Alabama and sporting the 'do personally (I'm pretty sure I was born with the bangs), I don't usually notice them. Well, I was getting ready for tomorrow's Criminal Law exam by browsing pictures of hot girls I don't know on facebook when I came across this gem, which just happens to be a picture of all dudes. I swear it was the hot girls I was after. This was collateral.
Warning: take it in slowly, you don't want to hurt yourself.
Location: Auburn University, Alabama
This picture is extraordinary. Note how the 'Bama Bang crew has all boxed out the guy with short hair looming in the background. Seriously though, wouldn't it occur to you at some point that if all guys have the same haircut you look like tools? The thing that's most shocking to me about this haircut, and there are many, is that women haven't self-selected the guys without 'Bama Bangs. Nope, they love the bangs. I think the 'Bama Bangs look even more ridiculous with a jacket and tie. Because, think about it, most guys look pretty similar in a suit. Other than height (which you can't control) and weight (which you can't change very quickly), hair is about the only thing that guys can do to look different. And yet, even still, every guy has chosen to go with the same haircut.
Sarah Hall posted on my facebook wall saying there was a sign at the SEC Championship held by a Florida fan that said, "Alabama, the only state defined by a single haircut."
As for the facebook hot-girl browsing, what percentage would facebook's page views decline by if girls knew how many times guys they didn't know looked at their pictures? Wouldn't you love to know those numbers? Like, what's the most number of profile visits one guy has visited a girl's profile without her having any clue who he is? It's got to be astronomical, right? Wouldn't this be great to know?
Jonathan Ganz writes:
2008 NCAA Playoff--So Easy
How about this:
12-team playoff
6 BCS conference champs (ACC, SEC, Big 12, Big 10, Pac-10, Big East)
6 at-large teams
Selection committee seeds teams and selects at-large teams, just like hoops
Top 4 teams earn byes
Total of 11 games -- split between ESPN/ABC and Fox... total TV rights expected to be over $300/yr vs. $125M/yr in the new ESPN contract
This is actually so simple that it is painful. All you would have to do is replace the BCS with the playoffs, and leave as many of the other bowls in place as you want. Based on this year, you might only have 1 non-BCS bowl affected, and you can easily fix that.
See below for bracket.
How about this:
12-team playoff
6 BCS conference champs (ACC, SEC, Big 12, Big 10, Pac-10, Big East)
6 at-large teams
Selection committee seeds teams and selects at-large teams, just like hoops
Top 4 teams earn byes
Total of 11 games -- split between ESPN/ABC and Fox... total TV rights expected to be over $300/yr vs. $125M/yr in the new ESPN contract
This is actually so simple that it is painful. All you would have to do is replace the BCS with the playoffs, and leave as many of the other bowls in place as you want. Based on this year, you might only have 1 non-BCS bowl affected, and you can easily fix that.
See below for bracket. See attached for full story.
Playoff Schedule:
13-Dec 20-Dec 1-Jan
10Virginia Tech
7Penn State
Fiesta Bowl
3Texas
11Cincinnati Sugar Bowl
6Utah
Cotton Bowl
2Florida
5Alabama National championship Game Jan. 8
12Ohio State
Orange Bowl
4USC
8Boise State Rose Bowl
9Texas Tech
Peach Bowl
1Oklahoma
You know what my dream job is right now? BCS ridiculer. I wish some rich oil guy in Texas who hates the BCS would pay me to devise schemes to ridicule the BCS. That's it. All I'd do all day every day. I'd devote my life to this.
How awesome is the above playoff scheme? I love rewarding the top four teams with byes (so that the people who argue the regular season doesn't matter would be sated), I love the dates (everything is still over by January 8!), and the key is working the bowls in so that those greedy ante-diluvian bastards will keep their mouths shut. They'd get more money this way. The lower tier bowl games could still be played. The same number of people would care what happened in them. (Their fans and ESPN.) Plus, are you telling me that these games wouldn't sell out in a heartbeat?
The graphic didn't come out as well as the initial email, but I hope you an see it all.
To reiterate to rich men out there, I'm available for rent to destroy the BCS. I'll lobby against it, work legal angles, you name it, and I'd be happy to devote my every working hour to ridiculing it to the high heavens. Contact me.
Also, just to kiss up Jonathan Ganz also attached this photo of two Gators fans getting ready for the big game.
This picture speaks ten billion words.
Chris Skinner from Ole Miss Law School writes:
Hey Clay...
Thought you'd like to hear that there is a growing
contingent of 1Ls here at the University of Mississippi Law
School who are all growing "Rally Beards" for our first
round of law school finals. It started with just a few
guys, but today I ran into two older 1Ls who obviously had
been growing their Samson-esque manes since Thanksgiving.
I'm counting more and more every day. Please pray for us
bearded ones now and in the moment of our testing.
BGID
If you really want to test the power of the beard, you should cut off a few sprigs of facial hair and drop them in your exam booklet. If a woman is grading you're bound to get an A, if a man is grading, you'll go up at least a grade level. Of course this is more difficult if, like me, you're taking the exam on a computer using that crappy ExamSoft software. There's nothing worse in law school than trying to save your exam on a computer while somebody counts down the minutes until you have to get your exam in. Once, I got marked late for this because I was in the back row and I didn't sprint down to the front. I was ten seconds late. This has to be one of the dumbest law school rules.
Funny story on the computer error, one of my buddies who appeared in Dixieland Delight had a computer malfunction while taking the exam. Anyway, he took it to the Vandy Law tech guru, an Asian guy with a ponytail who rode his bike to school. The two of them hunkered down over his computer to retrieve the exam. Which led to this memorable conversation.
Asian ponytail: "What's this file, 'close-up pink.'"
Friend: "That's not it."
Asian ponytail: "You sure?"
Friend: "That's a porno movie."
I guess what I'm saying is, hopefully the beard will keep the porn on your computer from getting mixed up with the exams on your computer. Godspeed, and nice decision.
More mailbag later. Lara had a snow day (it's sunny and 40 in Nashville) so we're taking Fox to go sit on Santa's lap at Green Hills Mall. Labels: Proposed playoff bama bangs bgid law school exams
Posted by Clay Travis at 9:26 AM
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Travis has become enamored of several objects, phrases or events which he frequenly references in the column. Among the most frequent:
'Bama Bangs - a term coined by Travis to refer to southern men's hairstyles that feature prominent bangs for no apparent reason. Brodie Croyle and John Parker Wilson are oft-cited violators of 'Bama Bangs rules.
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When Clay Travis, acclaimed author of Dixieland Delight, decided to spend the 2008 season up close and personal with UT football, he—and every other college football aficionado—thought he was in for a rollicking ride with one of the leading contenders for the national title. After all, when the Vols kicked off the season on September 1, the defending SEC East champions were ranked 18th in the country. As head coach Phillip Fulmer prepared for the game, he reflected upon a coaching career that included an astounding 147 victories, two SEC championships, and a national title. With 34 years at UT under his belt as both a player and coach, the Tennessee native had just signed a contract extension that projected to keep him at the university long enough to become the winningest coach in program history.
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There is no college ball more passionate and competitive than football in the Southeastern Conference, where seven of the twelve schools boast stadiums bigger than any in the NFL and 6.5 million fans hit the road every year to hoot and holler their teams to victory.
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The newly favored man is not really a man at all, but a hairless, effeminate, germ-fearing, non-meat-eating, exfoliating, wristband-wearing woman of the worst order. We as men are told that we must embrace the sacred feminine in ourselves, even if it doesn't actually exist, and become the very quintessence of woman, plus penises. This situation is untenable. This trend must stop.
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Clay Travis is the only former student manager in the history of college athletics to marry an NFL cheerleader. He managed to pull this off despite an irrational affinity for the television shows Dawson's Creek and My Super Sweet 16. While being raised in Nashville, Tenn., Travis developed a healthy obsession with college sports and Alyssa Milano. As a teenager his greatest accomplishment was taking a doo-rag wearing Luke Duke (balling as Tom Wopat) to the hole at the Nashville YMCA.
In the midst of a stellar legal career during which he specialized in rewarding the unjust and punishing the oppressed, Travis began writing for CBS Sports's SPiN section in September 2005...
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