(By the time you read this I'll be on a plane headed for Madison, Wisconsin where the Tecmo Super Bowl tournament will be played on Saturday.)
There has never been a better sports video game than Tecmo Super Bowl. Ever. Period. In fact, I'll go this far: if you are male and between the ages of 22-35 and cannot tell me who your favorite Tecmo Super Bowl player is within five seconds of being asked, there is a 100 percent chance you have wasted your entire life.
There are very few players in my life who, merely by being mentioned, stir fond memories within me. So what if many of these memories occurred on a computerized field inside my television screen instead of in real life? Nick Lowry, Robb Thomas, Christian Okoye, Barry Word, and Steve DeBerg, your pixilated alter-egos all made me a better man. And even though I've never been to Kansas City and don't even know a real person from Kansas City, I love the 1991 Kansas City Chiefs with a passion. To some people this might seem weird, to me it makes perfect sense.
It's en vogue to criticize kids these days because they spend all day playing video games when they should be learning life lessons by reading the Koran or baking cookies for old people. I say, this criticism is pure balderdash. If I were ever given another course to teach in college -- Vanderibilt has already made that mistake once -- I'm convinced every life lesson could be culled from my Tecmo Super Bowl gaming experience. I would call this class, The Tao of Tecmo Super Bowl, and my students would emerge with a more refined and nuanced view of life. Plus their thumbs would be very strong and extremely dexterous.
89Share This is because I firmly believe the majority of my moral code was hewed on the hardscrabble and pixilated universe of my old-school Nintendo's football screen.
Come Saturday I will be competing in a Tecmo Super Bowl tournament with 88 other Tecmo Super Bowl diehards. You can read the details of that tournament, which I will write about on Monday, here. Until then, dive in and experience the 46 life lessons that the greatest sports video game in creation taught me.
(Editor's Note: These life lessons originally ran on Clay Travis' Web site four years ago.)
1. Some people are just flat out better than others at things. For example Lawrence Taylor is the Christ figure of Tecmo Super Bowl. LT is omniscient, all-knowing and everywhere at once, blitzing the quarterback until the QB flees into the end zone, at which point LT turns and races into the nowhere of the screen only to reemerge at the other end zone in time to bat the pass away from an open wide receiver. It is no coincidence that both LT and He have two letters.
2. Words can hurt ... use them liberally.
3. When wide receivers miss passes their fingers resemble cheerleaders in the throes of the always classic spirit fingers. So the sexes, while different, are equal.
4. Fumbles make a goofy sound when they escape from your player's hands. Be alert to all goofy sounds.
5. Greed is good. Feel free to run Okoye the Untackle-able until the Nigerian government criticizes you for your wanton lack of consideration for his health.
6. Occasionally players are going to charge into the stands and create a maelstrom of turmoil. This was why when the Indiana Pacers took on the Detroit Pistons fans I was unmoved. I'd seen it all before on a Tecmo Super Bowl out-pattern that ended in the fourth row.
7. Greed can be bad. Randall Cunningham and Jim Kelly are both idiots for refusing to license their likenesses to Tecmo Super Bowl. Such a decision deprived these men from the eternal glory that could have been theirs for a mere pittance of a licensing sum. Steve Grogan laughs in their general direction.
8. Despite everything you've heard about life being composed of a myriad of options, there are really only eight. Four involve passing and four involve running. If one of these options is not good enough for you then move to Russia and take up communal farming you communist pig.
9. Taking the road less traveled really just means you like to run the flea flicker more often than you should.
10. Thou shalt not peek at another man's controller during play selection.
11. Audibling out of plays should not be allowed no matter what. We must fail in order to succeed. I think Quincy Carter learned this rule too well.
12. Most fans are indistinguishable masses of humanity that are only there to pay attention to what you are doing on the field. Also, they all do the same thing at the same time, so if one person is mad at you, everyone is mad at you. Incidentally, this is the only rule that Rasheed Wallace follows.
13. At times the best response to any situation is to just take your punishment. Ergo, when another player picks your play, frantically attempt to pass the ball (while risking interception) or take the safe sack. For rushing plays, turn backwards at your own peril; it's better to just hit the line and take your beating.
14. In the eyes of the Tecmo Super Bowl gods there is no race, creed or ethnicity; except for Bo Jackson, who is a God and not subject to the limitations of mere mortals.
15. Haste makes waste. Sometimes your defensive player will get blocked so hard he will sit on the field and his head will appear to be spinning. No matter how much you might want him to, he will not be able to stand and rush again until he has fully recovered from your misuse. Incidentally, this is also a clever subtextual metaphor for alcoholism.
16. There is no try ... just pass or run.
17. Everyone is happy when they leave the hospital ... even more so when they leave wearing a football uniform complete with pads.
18. Never run a reverse.
19. Invariably, when you are cursing at the football screen your mom will say, "It's just a game." Fifteen years later your wife will say the same thing. Accept that men are from Tecmo Super Bowl and women are the ones who pull the proverbial umbilical cord out of the wall that allows Tecmo Super Bowl to breathe.
20. Once you pick a team, stay with that team. I will be the Kansas City Chiefs until the day I die.
21. When something isn't working, just blow on it ... wait.
22. Sometimes you throw a perfect pass and it still doinks off your receiver's hands. Ergo, your plan may be perfect but your execution might still fail.
23. It may seem paradoxical, but sometimes running backwards can make you throw the football farther forwards.
24. Never substitute. God chooses starting lineups for a reason.
25. If you throw a football high enough into the air, it becomes golden.
26. Both Super Tecmo Bowl and life breed strange bedfellows, but do not shy from these connections. For instance, I would give former Kansas City Chiefs kicker Nick Lowry a kidney if he needed one.
27. Everyone has a male friend who always says something like, "I can't believe you guys are sitting around playing this old video game again." This person is not really your friend.
28. Acceptable pause in the game: you are overcome by laughter over your 58th successful juke move in a row with fullback Barry Word; unacceptable pause in the game: your wife is in labor.
29. Sometimes it takes more of a man to concede defeat than to continue battling. If you are down 28 or more points ... please start a new game.
Travis has become enamored of several objects, phrases or events which he frequenly references in the column. Among the most frequent:
'Bama Bangs - a term coined by Travis to refer to southern men's hairstyles that feature prominent bangs for no apparent reason. Brodie Croyle and John Parker Wilson are oft-cited violators of 'Bama Bangs rules.
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The newly favored man is not really a man at all, but a hairless, effeminate, germ-fearing, non-meat-eating, exfoliating, wristband-wearing woman of the worst order. We as men are told that we must embrace the sacred feminine in ourselves, even if it doesn't actually exist, and become the very quintessence of woman, plus penises. This situation is untenable. This trend must stop.
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In the midst of a stellar legal career during which he specialized in rewarding the unjust and punishing the oppressed, Travis began writing for CBS Sports's SPiN section in September 2005...
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