There is no more beloved Georgia Bulldog football player than Herschel Walker and no more beloved Florida football player than Tim Tebow.
Disagree if you like, but I feel pretty confident in both statements. Sadly, these gridiron warriors are separated by a generation and never will get the chance to play one another in the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. By the time Tebow arrived at Florida, Walker was only in the news alongside Tebow for acknowledging his multiple personality disorder.
Until now. Saturday, Tebow, who trails the Georgia running back by one rushing touchdown for his career, is likely to break Walker's all-time rushing touchdown total in the SEC.
Or is he?
It seems there's a bit of an accounting error in the record books. See, the SEC didn't start counting bowl game touchdowns in the end of season totals until recently. So Herschel Walker actually scored five more touchdowns for the Bulldogs that don't appear in his official stats. That means Walker's 49 career rushing touchdowns should actually be 54 career rushing touchdowns. Now, right now, you might be thinking to yourself, that doesn't really matter very much. But if you know Georgia and Florida fans, you know the exact opposite is true, it matters an awful lot, particularly for Georgia fans who continue to worship at the altar of St. Herschel even as we approach 30 years since he last scorched across the Sanford Stadium grass.
Tebow's ascension to the top of the career rushing record in the SEC begs the question, how hard would it really be to put five interns in charge of reviewing the stats from every bowl game, add the touchdowns up with proper attribution, and then include them in the season totals? I mean, when you consider the amount of money that SEC schools waste on, say, travel, how can not having accurate records from bowl games really be an issue?
There is no more beloved Georgia Bulldog football player than Herschel Walker and no more beloved Florida football player than Tim Tebow.
Disagree if you like, but I feel pretty confident in both statements. Sadly, these gridiron warriors are separated by a generation and never will get the chance to play one another in the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. By the time Tebow arrived at Florida, Walker was only in the news alongside Tebow for acknowledging his multiple personality disorder.
Until now. Saturday, Tebow, who trails the Georgia running back by one rushing touchdown for his career, is likely to break Walker's all-time rushing touchdown total in the SEC.
Or is he?
It seems there's a bit of an accounting error in the record books. See, the SEC didn't start counting bowl game touchdowns in the end of season totals until recently. So Herschel Walker actually scored five more touchdowns for the Bulldogs that don't appear in his official stats. That means Walker's 49 career rushing touchdowns should actually be 54 career rushing touchdowns. Now, right now, you might be thinking to yourself, that doesn't really matter very much. But if you know Georgia and Florida fans, you know the exact opposite is true, it matters an awful lot, particularly for Georgia fans who continue to worship at the altar of St. Herschel even as we approach 30 years since he last scorched across the Sanford Stadium grass.
Tebow's ascension to the top of the career rushing record in the SEC begs the question, how hard would it really be to put five interns in charge of reviewing the stats from every bowl game, add the touchdowns up with proper attribution, and then include them in the season totals? I mean, when you consider the amount of money that SEC schools waste on, say, travel, how can not having accurate records from bowl games really be an issue? Read the rest here.
Watching a football game at the Applebee's bar is sort of like playing secondary for the Tennessee defense. You know you're going to get burned, you're just not sure how. Several people have written in wanting to know where I was during the second half of South Carolina-UT and why I haven't commented on that game. For the record, I was at Applebee's.
The reason I haven't written anything about this was twofold: Because it was so painful to describe and because I'd already written 3k words on the Cocktail Party that same day. So I've decided to go back in time and tell you why you never, under any circumstances, want to watch a football game at Applebee's. Not that you needed to hear this from me but even still, a truer statement has never been made in this column. So here we go with my evening at Applebee's. I have alternated this night with extensive ruminations about Arkansas' Darren McFadden and his upcoming game this weekend in Knoxville.
1. If you're looking for a sports bar in Jacksonville, give up and go to Applebee's. After the Cocktail Party, by some tweak of the space-time continuum, I was able to get UT-South Carolina on the radio. We'd only missed two minutes of the game and felt so optimistic about locating a place to see the game that we spurned the friendly confines of our 19-inch television in the Red Roof Inn and the Applebee's right beside it.
For the next hour we drove around in the Jacksonville suburbs and managed to get completely lost. I have no idea how a city can be so sprawling and yet contain nothing at all. Several times we drove through huge avenues of dark roads with no other cars, saw lights ahead in the distance, and arrived to find sushi restaurants and wine stores. Yep, each one of these in trendy strip malls built, presumably, for people who must live somewhere. But appear nowhere near us. If you wonder what the world would look like if suddenly the entire human population didn't exist, go to the Jacksonville suburbs on a Saturday night.
2. Darren McFadden is going to end up with more undergrad students in his bed than Josh McNeil. Incidentally, if you're Josh McNeil, you don't call a press conference and explain away this story. You keep your mouth shut about how you got three girls into your bed and pretty soon you've got six girls in your bed at the same time. Guaranteed.
3. While we were lost on the never-ending and empty roads of Jacksonville, my friend Tardio kept saying over and over again, "I'm never getting a rental car without Garmin again." Occasionally he altered this phrasing and said, "Garmin is the greatest invention ever. You just type in sports bar and it tells you how to get there. No matter where you are. Garmin gets it done." Basically there's no greater adherent to Garmin in the world than Tardio.
4. If you type in Darren McFadden on Garmin when you're in Knoxville, these are the directions: Turn Left on Philip Fulmer Way, Proceed to 1720 Volunteer Drive, Enter Gate 21 of Neyland Stadium. Walk to checkerboard end zone ... Darren McFadden.
5. Eventually we end up at the largest outdoor mall in the western hemisphere where there's a Neiman Marcus, a Cheesecake Factory, a Maggiano's, every fancy retailer you can think of, acres of parking lot where potential customers could park if they knew this mall existed or actually lived there. And yet another Applebee's. At this point halftime is approaching and we decide to stop fighting our fate. "I hate Applebee's," Tardio says. By which he means he's never searched for it on Garmin.
6. UT defensive coordinator John Chavis bumped into Darren McFadden at SEC Media Days and said, "I just wanted to know what it felt like to touch you." Both men are still uncomfortable talking about this but if you press him, Chavis will acknowledge that he touched McFadden longer than any member of the 2006 Tennessee defense.
7. Two men can't sit beside each other on the same side of the booth at Applebee's and watch a game. This is Tardio's rule. UT is leading 14-0, so I'll sit anywhere. Tardio won't. So he sits across from me and spends the next three hours facing the opposite direction so he can see the television. Anything to keep from sharing the same side of the booth as me.
8. Darren McFadden is going to rush for 436 yards, kick Smokey in the groin, throw two touchdown passes, impregnate eight undergrads and make Houston Nutt scream 16 yee-haws into his headset. Then the second quarter is going to start.
9. Amazingly, Applebee's has flat screens. Yet, despite splurging for the flat screens, Applebee's has no HD. Or sound. We are located at the tables alongside the bar. Let me just say this, if your Saturday night plans ever include the phrase, "Hell, let's go down to Applebee's and get plastered," just stay home and drink on the doublewide's porch. It's cheaper and your smell is less noticeable.
10. Darren McFadden went for the Orange Chicken Bowl at the Fayetteville Applebee's one Thursday and now every single female undergrad at Arkansas goes back every Thursday just hoping he's going to be there.
11. Unfortunately, not everyone subscribes to my "Don't go drinking at the Applebee's" theory. Including a man clad in Georgia apparel who sits directly behind us. Immediately he begins talking about Mike Vick. Eventually this leads to his loud contention that the problem with Vick is not Vick's dog-fighting, but pit bulls in general. "They need to euthanize the race," he says, meaning dogs, I think. Then he continues along this anti-pit bull spiel for the next 10 minutes. This is the first time I've ever heard of ethnic dog cleansing. I'm beginning to think that I should just go to Applebee's every weekend and interview the people drinking there.
12. Darren McFadden has announced he's not going to do the "You Can't See Me" hand signal against the UT defense because it's redundant. Instead Houston Nutt is going to spend the entire pre-game doing this to the Arkansas AD.
13. Applebee's wait staff has the collective IQ of one side of Quincy Carter's brain. Which is to say, none. Every drink order gets reversed. Nothing on the menu is actually available. We don't get utensils. A female waiter explodes and quits her job. Meanwhile, UT takes a 21-0 lead into halftime. "I think we're going to still lose," I tell Tardio. Tardio is unimpressed with my analysis, "CBS should have had the ethnic cleansing pit bull guy do the Mike Vick legal analysis for them instead of you," he says.
14. Darren McFadden's code name for the UT defense? My Heisman.
15. The UT defense begins to implode. You knew it was coming, but still, the amazingly complete and utter breakdowns are a sight to behold. It's almost as if the UT defense has conspired to only cover the places where the South Carolina receivers aren't. I'd write more about this woeful defensive performance but unless you saw it there are no words to describe how horrible it was. The 21-0 UT lead is gone. The only good thing that happened to me during this defensive collapse was my friend Neville dropping his cell phone into a bar toilet so he had to stop sending me text messages about UT's defensive implosion.
16. Darren "Humanity Advanced" McFadden (one of his actual nicknames) has not bothered to learn any third down formations for the UT game because he doesn't believe the Arkansas offense will face third down all day.
17. Don't order steak at Applebee's. First of all, they might run out. Which they did. Secondly, the one steak they have remaining might come on your plate, be covered in liquid, and make you think your steak might have been peed on. Which it probably was. Either that or your Cro-Magnon waiter is drooling again. Also, I don't want people to think I'm some food connoisseur who is too good for Applebee's. Here are, much to my wife's chagrin, my four favorite restaurants on Earth: O'Charley's, Wendy's, Chick-Fil-A, Ryan's Family Steakhouse. Seriously.
18. When Darren McFadden heard that LF/JP was splitting their telecast this weekend he said, "That's because they still haven't heard that I tied the all-time single game SEC rushing record last weekend." Then he paused for a few minutes and said, "Come to think of it they also haven't heard that I go to Arkansas."
19. The only thing worse than watching your team win at Applebee's is watching your team lose at Applebee's. UT is now losing 24-21. The man at the bar is on a roll about his ethnic dog cleansing. What if you had a television show and it was just called Applebee's Bar Confessions? And you went around to different Applebee's bars all over the country and interviewed the people drinking there. I would watch this television show. There's no telling what stories you'd hear. We need more crazy on television. Crazy in a way other than UT's ability to somehow come back and beat South Carolina with an overtime field goal. Which was a godsend. It almost made Applebee's for a football game bearable. But just almost. Unfortunately for UT fans, nothing is going to make Darren McFadden bearable come Saturday.
Cocktail Party This Weekend: ClayNation Archive, the 2007 Cocktail Party
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
I'm open to your suggestions about what I should do. For the record, I'll be covering the atmosphere of the game. The goal is to not write a word about the actual game. We'll see how that goes. Feel free to hit me up at clay.travis@gmail.com with suggestions. In the meantime, here is my story of the 2007 Cocktail Party. Above is the video from our seat, we were directly behind the UGA tubas.
As an added benefit, I think this column marked the debut of the BGID phenomenon.
...
Let me just say this before you start drowning in the details: Go to the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party before you die. I personally guarantee that you will have a great time. Even if you don't care who wins between Florida and Georgia.
Even if you hate both Florida and Georgia, you don't actually like football, or sports or end up going into the stadium (although you should go); being in Jacksonville for this weekend is completely worth it. Even if, you know, you're staying in a Red Roof Inn somewhere on the outskirts of Jacksonville.
Since the Dixieland Delight book has been released, several readers have e-mailed to ask why I didn't go to this game last year. The answer was because I wanted to see a game on each campus during the DDT and didn't have time to see a neutral-site game. That was a legitimate reason for purposes of the book, but based on everything I've heard from readers, I couldn't wait to get here and see the Cocktail Party in person for the first time. Accompanying me for the weekend was UK grad Tardio, also a Cocktail Party first-timer.
So here we go DDT style for the Cocktail Party:
1. Every cab driver, baggage handler, and police officer in Jacksonville is sex-crazed when it comes to Cocktail Party weekend. This manifests itself early, when the one-eyed baggage guy near our rental car bids us adieu: "Go get you some playas," he says. Then he offers me a fist pound.
2. Our hotel, The Red Roof Inn, is undergoing a re-branding. Evidently some people think that the Red Roof Inn is not that nice of a hotel. Imagine that. We arrive at around 9 to check in and immediately the front desk man harangues me because I don't know the license plate number for our car. The RRI has hundreds more parking spaces than it needs and we are nowhere near anything that someone not staying at the hotel might want to park near. "I'll get back to you on that," I say, because Tardio has left in the car to go get beer.
3. We're staying at the Red Roof Inn because the downtown Wyndham is the only downtown hotel that has rooms available. And their rate for Friday and Saturday night is $582 a night. Seriously, $582 a night. And it doesn't even include a Georgia coed.
4. While we wait to take our cab to Jacksonville Landing, Tardio buys candy from the vending machine. He returns to inform me that the vending machine in our lobby sells Snickers alongside condoms. Yep, condoms in the vending machine at the RRI. That's class.
5. For the entire ride to Jacksonville Landing, our cab driver talks about all the freaky things he's done with girls visiting town for the Cocktail Party. It's like Taxicab Confessions in reverse. This conversation will play itself out in repeat on every one of our cab rides for the rest of our stay.
6. Thursday night at Jacksonville Landing is kind of quiet. It's raining and every bar/club is trying to attract patrons by using flashing strobe lights.
Remember back in seventh grade when the guy who had the strobe light would bring it to the party and everyone went crazy because the strobe light was there? Sometimes the guy with the strobe light would get invited to parties solely because he had the strobe light.
Then this guy would inevitably get caught smoking behind his shed and his mom would threaten to make him take the strobe light back to Spencer's Gifts and everyone would get really nervous that the party wasn't going to be cool at all. But then the guy with the strobe light always made a play and showed up.
Basically this guy has grown up and is still popular at the Cocktail Party. Strobe lights are everywhere. As a result it's almost impossible to see inside any club.
7. It's almost entirely Georgia fans at Jacksonville Landing on Thursday night. Worst look: The Georgia Bulldog beret. Seriously, who buys this? You can't have a single friend on Earth if they let you wear this. Fortunately self-made T-shirts are gaining in popularity. The best of the night? "Hey Timmy, Knowshon doesn't cry."
8. We head into Adrenaline Night Club. Their slogan is, and I'm not making this up, "The Party Is Here." While the party may be there, hardly anyone else is. Fortunately they do have a full VIP section (we really wanted to know what you had to pony up to be VIP. Our guess was $10 and a package of glow worms) and a rocking strobe light.
9. I go into the bathroom, see a bathroom attendant standing around by himself, and give him $2. The attendant insists that I take something, so I take a blow-pop. When I come back out Tardio just says, "Where in the hell did you get a blow-pop?" Later, I go back to the bathroom and the attendant treats me like Kanye. When I tell him I'm not washing my hands this time, the attendant looks physically pained.
10. Eventually we leave because Tardio says, "Man, everybody in there was going low." To reiterate, Tardio can't stomach any men dancing until their butts almost touch the floor. He's a beaten man by the time we leave. When we get back to the RRI at 3 a.m., the guy at the front desk says, "I need your license plate number."
11. We burn off our hangover Friday by golfing in a rainstorm at the break of dawn. We're playing the Sawgrass Championship Course on Sunday and we decide that we need to get some practice in. This round does nothing to instill confidence in someone about to play on the Player's Championship course.
12. By the time Friday night arrives, I ask Tardio whether he is going to talk to any girls. He assures me that he is. We arrive at Jacksonville Landing by 8 p.m., spend $10 each to enter, $5 for each beer thereafter, and spend the next seven hours in the midst of a huge drunken party. During this time, in the midst of a party that is unrivaled this side of Cancun's spring break in its scope, immensity, drunken revelry, and abundance of hot women, Tardio neither talks to nor attempts to talk to a single girl. Not one.
13. The MC on the stage spends seven consecutive hours asking people whether they are Georgia fans or Florida fans and instructing these fans to cheer at his direction. Each time he does this the crowd goes crazy. Also, he asks who let the dogs out approximately 14 times. If you were a Georgia fan, wouldn't you get tired of hearing guys with mikes asking who the let the dogs out? You'd think so, right? But you'd be wrong. Every time the guy with the mike asks this question Georgia fans react as if Herschel Walker has just been granted an additional year of eligibility.
14. Point of note: If you have designs shaved into your beards, gelled hair, are wearing a jersey or wristbands, then there's a 100 percent chance you're a Florida fan.
15. While Florida and Georgia fans cheer wildly, I take turns pointing out men with beards who are with attractive women. There's a beard kinship among the bearded (like bald men) and Tardio has been making fun of my beard for five years since the halcyon days of 2002 when it debuted. For a time I would say, "Beard, getting it done," whenever I saw other men making plays with beards. Now, I merely point and say, "Bgid." This drives Tardio crazy.
16. While we are on different sides of the great beard divide, we do reach agreement that while Florida might have beaten Georgia on the field in 15 of the past 17 Cocktail Parties, Georgia women are undefeated off the field. The women between these two schools are not even close. Not that Tardio talked to any of them, but still, in Civil War terms Georgia women are the Pat Cleburnes and Florida women are the Braxton Braggs. At least if Braxton Bragg had fat arms.
17. But finally at 3 a.m. at the Whattaburger in the middle-of-nowhere Jacksonville suburbs, Tardio decides to talk to girls. And not just one girl, but five of the best-looking Florida girls in the city of Jacksonville. Believe it or not Tardio engages these girls in conversation, is on fire with his material, has just turned the fact that one girl used the word "conundrum" in a Whattaburger conversation into huge laughs, when, out of nowhere, a fat girl from Florida shows up and is best friends with one of the hot girls. Much hugging and squealing ensues and Tardio is forgotten. "What are the odds," he asks, "that the only fat girl on Earth that the hot girls know, shows up at three in the morning at Whattaburger and destroys my game?"
18. Saturday doesn't get any better for Tardio. We spend the morning watching Kentucky fall behind Mississippi State. Then we travel to the Cocktail Party, park approximately two miles away from the stadium, and walk forever to the stadium. During our walk we are the only people on the street and multiple people pull up beside us and ask if we're walking to the game. We knew it was a bad sign when the guy whose yard we parked in said, "You only need to walk five blocks and then you can ride the trolley."
19. Once we get close to the stadium, the jort insults are flying. Within a half-mile outside the stadium eight different Georgia fans accuse Florida fans of wearing jorts. Florida fans all respond with some variation of 15-2. It's possible I might have understated Georgia fans' obsession with accusing Florida fans of wearing jean shorts.
20. Georgia's recent futility against Florida is really without parallel in college football. No top 20 program owns another top 20 program like Florida has owned Georgia. What makes these losses so daunting is that the talent levels between these two teams have been relatively equal over the past 17 years. Yet season after season, year after year, Georgia has found a way to lose and Florida has found a way to win. And each year, no matter the outcome, the schools hate each other more than they did the year before.
21. In the parking lot by the stadium a Georgia girl is dancing. Out of nowhere a Florida girl shakes her beer and sprays it all over her. It's a war zone in Jacksonville. Tardio and I are in neutral colors and expect to be taunted by both sides. Many Georgia fans are leery of my attendance because in the past two years I've been present to see Georgia lose three games and win none. After my column about retiring from UT road games ran, several Georgia fans asked me to retire from their games as well. Unfortunately for them this game was already scheduled.
22. There is no doubt that Georgia and Florida fans hate each other. But they also seem to hate each other in the way political parties hate each other. Each fan base knows the insults that are forthcoming from the other and rapid-fire retorts spew forth. Florida fans bring up the 15-2 record in the past 17 years ... Georgia fans respond with the all-time record against Florida of 45-37. Georgia fans say they're going to Teabag Tebow, Florida fans make fun of Knowshon Moreno's name. Basically the only thing that unites the two teams is a love of cleavage.
23. Inside the stadium we are seated in the Gate 3 end zone with our Georgia friend Chad Crews. Chad has been to 10 Cocktail Parties before. "I'm 0-10," he says. "We've lost every game I've ever seen here."
4. Our seats are, and this is no exaggeration, directly behind the tuba section of the Georgia band. Every time the tuba players lift their instruments, we can't see the field at all. And the tuba players lift their instruments a lot more frequently than you think. Plus, they swivel and prance and dip and when they do so, the tubas come perilously close to nailing the people seated behind them in the head. This is ominous.
25. By kickoff, the stadium is a raucous collection of evenly split drunken bedlam. Hate bristles from every alcohol-secreting pore, from each snap of the Gator Chomp and from each Georgia Bulldog bark. I've been to lots of rivalry games, but I've never seen one where fans hate each other more. The hate is so palpable, it makes Alabama-Auburn seem like a friendly game between relatives.
26. On the Gators' first offensive series, Tim Tebow is sacked and the Georgia crowd goes crazy. Chad turns to me, "We gonna take that Heisman from Tebow today." The tubas sway in our direction and we spring backward to avoid being knocked out. Shortly thereafter, Florida's Kestahn Moore fumbles and Georgia recovers.
27. How is it possible that Florida has had such woeful talent at running back? Most other SEC teams can go three or four deep and have better results than Florida does with their first string. This is unbelievable. Especially when you consider how many other teams have players from the state of Florida at running back.
28. The tubas are so overwhelming that after Georgia's first touchdown, as the entire team rushes onto the field to celebrate, I can only see that the Georgia bench is empty. I think there must be a fight going on. Chad concurs. Later we hear what happened, that it was a team celebration instigated by Mark Richt.
29. I think the decision was a smart one. I've seen Georgia play already this year, against Tennessee, and in that game the Georgia football team didn't seem as if they cared at all. Worse for team morale, it didn't seem like the team was having much fun either. So congrats to Richt for being willing to try something new, even if it was potentially inflammatory.
All too often, football coaches treat their jobs as if they have been given the key to nuclear codes and have to protect the viability of the free world. In reality, college football coaches are just highly paid entertainers who are in charge of getting young guys to play a game well. Pretty basic. For once, after this score, Georgia seemed to genuinely enjoy playing football.
30. Having said that, what if the Knowshon Moreno touchdown call gets reversed and Georgia then gets penalized 30 yards for the excessive celebration? Then suddenly Mark Richt is facing fourth-and-31 and a 48-yard field goal. Instead Georgia scores to go up 7-0. There's a fine line between profound brilliance and profound stupidity. Les Miles lives on this line.
31. Urban Meyer gathers the Florida team on the sideline around him and suddenly the crowd is feeding off the energy of the two dancing teams below. The excitement in the stadium has, unbelievably just been ratcheted up again.
32. Amazingly for Tardio's benefit, two of the best looking Georgia girls in the stadium are sitting beside him. One of them, Allyson Dunn, has brought more comfortable shoes to change into than the heels she was wearing earlier. What's the choice? Georgia Crocs of course. ClayNation Canon 137: If you put an SEC team's logo on any product, people will buy it.
33. Almost immediately, Tebow answers the Dawg score with a long touchdown pass to Louis Murphy and we're tied 7-7. The Georgia fans around me collectively groan. Georgia ground out their first touchdown and Florida's own response seemed effortless. Tardio says, "Ask Chad how he feels about that Heisman prediction now."
34. The team celebration seems to have fired up the supremely talented but occasionally disinterested Matthew Stafford. At least that's what it appears when Stafford goes deep for an 84-yard touchdown to Mohamed Massaquoi. The tuba players are coming undone. They're doing a hip-thrusting cheer that is considered obscene in 38 states.
35. But then, just as quickly, Matthew Stafford throws the easiest interception returned for a touchdown in the SEC season. Wondy Pierre-Louis, who sounds like he was the colonial governor of Louisiana under Napoleon, flips into the end zone and we're tied 14-14. Georgia fans sit down as one around me and Florida kicks a field goal to take a 17-14 lead. In the process the Georgia band files out of the seats to prepare for their performance on the field. Suddenly we can see the entire field.
36. But near the end of the first half it becomes clear that Florida can't stop Moreno. With only a couple minutes to play, Georgia reclaims the lead 21-17 and some of the more brazen Georgia fans have begun to do the Gator Chomp. "I love the derisive Gator Chomp," Tardio says. "It's the best anti-cheer in sports."
37. I ask Chad when the last time he remembers seeing a halftime lead against Florida in person. "Honestly, I can't remember it ever happening," he says. Then he leaves to smoke a cigarette because the nerves of the game are getting to him.
38. The band files back into the stands and one tuba guy gives another tuba guy a high five and says, "That show was badass."
39. The second half begins as the first ended, with New Jersey's finest Moreno gouging Florida's defense. Knowshon sprints 42 yards and a Georgia fan behind me begins screaming, "I love that Yankee." Georgia scores to go up 28-17 and Chad explodes in yelps beside me.
40. Until you stand directly behind the band you have no idea how many times they stand and sit during the course of a game or how often they play. For good plays and horrible plays, it doesn't really matter what happens on the field, the band is going to play. Loudly.
41. And during the second half they have a ton of reasons to be playing as Moreno immortalizes himself to Bulldog fans as the newest second coming of Herschel. Tebow can't get Florida closer than 28-24 and 35-30 and as each moment ticks away, Georgia fans become even more delirious with glee. By the time Moreno scores to put Georgia up 42-30, Dawg fans are climbing on seats, barking with glee, and doing the derisive Gator Chomp with reckless abandon.
42. Florida fans begin filing out of the stadium and for Georgia fans 3-15 has never felt better. Chad hugs me. "I'm going to start bringing you every year to this game. I'm 1-10," he screams. And in that exact same moment he begins to bark and his barking mingles with the tuba players' gyrating medley and the other Dawg fans barking and the sounds all climb into the rain-soaked air and for a blessedly long moment, the Georgia victory is so pure there are no memories of defeat.
During ESPN's broadcast of the Minnesota-Ohio State game on Saturday, the network cross-promoted a NASCAR race by showing a graphic listing the top five drivers. Chris Spielman, Bob Griese's partner, asked where Juan Pablo Montoya was. Griese responded that Montoya was "out having a taco."
Montoya, who is Colombian, has declined comment, saying he has no idea who Griese is, but unfortunately for its announcer, ESPN has not remained silent. Despite twice publicly apologizing Saturday, ESPN has suspended Griese for this week's telecast. In a statement released today, ESPN spokesman Josh Krulewitz says the network has spoken to Griese and "he understands the comment was inappropriate."
In fact, contrary to lazy stereotypical belief, tacos are not a popular cuisine in Colombia. And everyone with a Spanish surname is not, you know, from Mexico. Now Griese will have a weekend outside the broadcast booth to think about the error of his ways. Question for you, would Griese have even gotten in trouble if he'd said that Montoya was "out having an arepa" or "out having a sancocho?"
Probably not, because, like me, you've never heard of either of Colombia's most popular dishes. Griese's ignorance about Colombian cuisine aside, isn't it problematic that today's punishments aren't consistently applied when it comes to on-air commentary? I'm not sure what I think of Griese's punishment, but I do think it raises some interesting questions about the way we respond to racial commentary. Namely, your punishment is reflected more by the ethnicity you refer to than by the the substance of what you actually say. And in 21st century America, isn't that a bit ridiculous?
In fact, let's play a game and put Griese's comments in a different ethnic light. What if he'd made stereotypical comments about other ethnic backgrounds instead?
1. Italian driver, "out having lasagna."
No punishment.
2. Southern white driver "out having some grits."
No punishment.
3. Black driver "out having a watermelon."
Griese is fired and never calls another game for ESPN.
4. Native American driver "out smoking a peace pipe."
Verbal reprimand.
5. Indian driver "out having a plate of curry."
Verbal reprimand.
6. Asian driver "out having some sushi."
Verbal reprimand.
7. Latino driver "out having a taco."
One week suspension.
Isn't this flow chart of racial cuisine insults ridiculous? The only slight issue I do have with the line is not that I believe Latinos watching the game immediately curled up in the fetal position and began to cry, but because the line wasn't very funny.
I'm convinced there's an epidemic currently afoot in America that receives no attention: Cell phones dropped in the toilet.
I have five different friends who have confessed to this via sheepish e-mails (presumably not from the toilet-ed phones). They're trying to reprogram a new phone. This problem is of epic importance, particularly with the importance of smart phones, which can cost upwards of $500. Do you know how much money we've lost by having to replace a BlackBerry or an iPhone because of fumbles during urination? If this happened to Warren Buffet, and he hadn't backed up his information, we'd need a new stimulus package. What if Obama's BlackBerry vanished down the toilet?
I'm convinced that every day in America we throw away the equivalent of the GNP of Moldova in dropped cell phones in toilets. The issue struck me on Saturday as I tailgated and went inside a disgusting port-o-potty. Because a drop here is even worse. How much would it ruin your day if instead of the home bathroom your cell phone went into a port-o-potty? Because, be honest, you might be willing to reclaim a phone dropped at home? But a port-o-potty? It's with the effluvium for all eternity.
What's more, what about if you go to a port-o-potty, drop your phone, and can't find your friends anymore? . We all live with the idea that we're within easy mobile contact. Suddenly, you're the fan with no clothes. Not to mention no idea who is winning games on Saturday. Anyway, with this august question as prelude, let's dive right in to the ClayNation Starting 11.
1. If you're a Cincinnati fan with dreams of a national championship, you need to start rooting for West Virginia and Pittsburgh really, really hard.
Why?
Because an 8-1 West Virginia could come to Cincinnati Nov. 13. Even better, a 10-1 Pittsburgh could loom Dec. 5, the day the SEC and Big 12, other combatants for the BCS title spot, will be playing their conference championship games. I'm starting to believe that an undefeated Cincinnati will end up in the national championship game if there is only one other undefeated team. Why? Because they get two premier games against teams that will, by then, be ranked in the top 15 if they keep winning. In fact, a 10-1 Pittsburgh would likely be a top-10 team.
I can even sketch out the argument for why an undefeated Cincinnati would have dibs over every other team that doesn't emerge unscathed from the BIg 12 or the SEC. They'll have run the table in the Big East and played two major college opponents in the out-of-conference -- Oregon State on the road and Illinois at home. Aside from the Big East being reasonably strong this season, I think this schedule, featuring two would-be powers from other conferences, eliminates the weak schedule argument. Especially since no one foresaw the Illini collapse when this schedule was made. Plus, and just wait for this argument to get trotted out there, Cincinnati beat Oregon State by 10 on the road, while USC won by six at home.
In the ridiculous cake baking contest that is the BCS, that's a pretty compelling argument for why the Bearcats should be in over USC. Follow Us on Twitter Friend Us on Facebook
2. Iowa, Iowa, my kingdom for Iowa's good fortune.
How many teams come back from a third-and-18 conversion on a hook-and-ladder? How many teams can boast wins of two, two, three and one point in their eight games? The team they beat by a lone point, Northern Iowa, has a 10-point loss to North Dakota State and a touchdown loss to Southern Illinois on its resume. Arkansas State, a team Iowa beat by three, is 1-4 against BCS teams.
And on Saturday, Iowa needed a defensive holding call to erase an interception, and a fourth down touchdown pass on the final play of the game to come away with the win. So, to say you don't believe that Iowa is a top echelon team, has some validity, but credit where credit is due, Iowa is 8-0 for the first time ever.
How does Iowa get to the BCS title game? Losses by Texas, USC and probably Cincinnati (Interesting voter aversion test: Which embattled conference do you effectively vote against, Big East or Big Ten?) and maybe even then a little prayer that livestock per capita becomes an only slightly-less-nonsensical BCS component. And they still have to beat Ohio State in Columbus Nov. 14.
At least they've got luck on their side.
3. Tim Tebow threw two interceptions, played a mediocre game, and bailed on the post-game press conference.
That's unfortunate.
There has never been a college athlete who has received more glowing press coverage than Tim Tebow. I genuinely believe that's true. Even after having a poor game -- by his standard -- Florida still won by double digits. For a senior to dodge out on the post-game was beneath his stature.
Put it this way, Tennessee's Daniel Lincoln went on the road and missed three field goals against the No. 1 team in the country. Any one of those kicks would have won the game for his team. Did he dodge the post game press conference?
Nope.
4. Watch out for Oklahoma State in the Big 12 South.
After their 34-7 win over Baylor, the Cowboys are now 6-1 this season and undefeated in the Big 12. Only you haven't heard a damn thing about them in the past month that didn't involve Dez Bryant being suspended. Look, they lost to Houston back in September, we get it.
There's no great crime in that, Houston is a fine team with a superb offense. Certainly other one-loss teams have lost to inferior opponents, USC ring a bell? Meanwhile in their five consecutive wins, Zac Robinson has been smoking.
Yet, given all the preseason hype, the loss to Houston completely killed all interest in the Cowboys.
Until, guess what, Texas comes to town this weekend. Beat the Longhorns and Oklahoma State is about to set the BCS all aflutter. Would a one-loss Texas that doesn't win their division still have a shot at advancing to the BCS title game without playing in their conference championship game?
Maybe.
Would they have a better argument for playing for the title than a one-loss Oklahoma State team that beat them?
Nope.
5. You think the phone in the toilet business has no applicability to college football players, right? You're wrong.
It's a plague I tell you. Even football players are not immune.
"The Tigers' starting running back Joseph Doss was suspended for the first half because he was late to a pre-game meeting. Doss said he normally uses his cell phone as an alarm clock but couldn't after he dropped the phone in the toilet."
6. Ball State had a 300-yard rusher and a 200-yard rusher in their win over Eastern Michigan.
This was the first time in NCAA history that a team had a 300- and 200-yard rusher in the same game.
Ball State had, wait for it, one yard passing.
Can you imagine being the Eastern Michigan defensive coordinator watching game film on this one? Do you think he changes his resume to reflect the one yard passing? Like beneath his position--Defensive Coordinator--does he list, "Allowed only 1 yard passing to Ball State in 2009."
What about calling a pass defense, do you think he did it the entire game? Wouldn't it be great to hear the headset calls from this game?
7. Is the Landry Jones mustache the college football equivalent of Spencer Pratt's cowboy hat, so compelling you can't look away?
I think so.
Every time I think I should hate it, I can't help but admire the bravado.
Also, if I'd had to shave the beard after the Alabama game, I was going to leave a stache with a handlebar that came down the side. It would have looked scary, potentially felonious, but it would have also been pretty awesome.
8. The perception that the SEC is rooting for Alabama and Florida is firmly locked in the fan consciousness.
We can argue about whether a systematic conspiracy is remotely possible ... Actually, we can't. It isn't. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist as a fervent point of belief among certain pockets of SEC fans. We sports fans are great conspiracy theorists when it comes to our teams.
But Commissioner Slive is not firing magic bullets from the SEC gatling as he stands on a grassy knoll. There are several reasons for this. No. 1, Slive has a Montgomery Burns-like strength about him, I'm not sure he could pull the trigger if he tried. No. 2 , well, it's just not happening.
But here's what might be happening, the officials, like many of us, have bought into the idea that Alabama and Florida are vastly superior teams to the rest of the conference. Once you buy into that argument you're more likely to notice opposing teams playing in the margin of the rules than you are the dominant teams.
And I'd argue that's what we're seeing take place in games that feature those teams, not an intentional bias in favor of them when it comes to the calls, if there is, in fact, any bias at all, but just a preconditioned perception of superiority that allows those situations to occur.
9. What the funnel is up with Chris Todd and Auburn? A thesis for you.
Early in the season I thought Gene Chizik was a miracle worker given his ability to make Todd a star, but now Todd looks incapable of leading his team to victory against anyone.
Okay, maybe Furman.
But I think Todd offers an interesting illustration of what happens in the SEC. The defenses catch up to and eclipse the offenses every year about this time in the season.
New thesis: the defensive SEC coaching staffs have become so good at what they do, that much like the NFL, merely being good at one or two things doesn't allow you to succeed on a consistent basis. You have to evolve during the season, and most offenses aren't that good at evolving. So Auburn's offense has been quashed. Same with Arkansas and Alabama and Florida. Same with virtually every team in the conference.
Don't believe me?
There are only two offenses in the top 30 in the SEC: Florida and Auburn. The latter is rapidly plummeting and will be outside the top 30 soon if things hold true.
When you take a roadtrip as a fan, you dream about moments like these. Four seconds to play, a hated rival on the ropes, your team lined up for a final play with victory or defeat hinging entirely on that one play. After over three hours of even football, it all comes down to this one final snap. And you want one thing more than any other: complete silence to soak through the stadium while your team pours onto the field in celebration, their celebratory shouts no louder than the dribble of a basketball on a court hundreds of yards away, echoing over the stunned home crowd. For a moment you might even contemplate, like I did, simply closing your eyes and allowing the crowd reaction to tell the story of the field goal. But instead, I watched.
Tennessee came achingly close on Saturday to delivering the most agonizing loss to Alabama at Bryant-Denny Stadium in a couple of decades, maybe ever. But then they ran into a mountain of a man.
1. At 9 in the morning, I gather with 20 others in a Birmingham, Alabama parking lot for a trip to Tuscaloosa. There is one other Tennessee fan. We're both wearing orange pants.
Memphis radio host Chris Vernon aka Verno and Lance Taylor of Birmingham's Roundtable Radio are also on the bus/limo. Everyone else is a diehard Bama fan. Although, to be fair, Verno is wearing a Julio Jones jersey and every five minutes will, unprovoked, scream out "Juuuuuulioooooooo," as loud as he can.
In between Julio calls, Verno is apt to say things like this,"Nick Saban is a God." He also tells me that he just came from Chik-Fil-a where an Alabama fan with three children, ages 4, 3, and 1, admonished his two daughters who were walking as they neared the parking lot. "Now take my hand, girls, there's lots of Tennessee fans in town today and those people don't think."
2. The bus/limo seats 13 people. There are 21 of us. And beer and liquor. Lots of beer and liquor. The bus/limo also looks like the inside of a strip club. There are several poles hanging down, constantly moving lasers of different colors, and a sound system that would make a rap star blush. Immediately the music is blaring and the drinking commences.
3. Our trip to Tuscaloosa takes over two hours. Included is a stop at a rest area so the women can go to the bathroom.
Who knew there was a rest area between Birmingham and Tuscaloosa?
I don't have to go to the bathroom at all, but there's no real wait and we're making this stop solely for a trip to the bathroom. I sit debating whether I should go or not, access vs. breaking the seal. Ultimately I opt for a trip to the bathroom.
Bad decision.
As we walk back from the bathroom, a couple from Michigan, inexplicably choosing today of all days to drive somewhere other than to the football game on 459, call out, "Y'all are going to miss the Michigan State-Iowa game tonight."
They're attempting to be funny. Several Alabama fans fail to see the humor.
"They play football outside the South?" one asks.
4. Back on the bus, one of the women, now standing and dancing to 50 cent's Magic Stick -- the affinity that younger, white SEC fans have for gangsta rap on gameday is drastically underrated, it turns into Compton in Tuscaloosa -- takes a photo of the front of the bus, where I'm sitting alongside the other UT fan.
Five minutes later, she calls out, "Hey, my friend just texted me and asked who the convicts were."
5. That would be us, the UT convicts, riding along, according to many Alabama fans, to our own execution chamber, Bryant-Denny Stadium.
But as I've been writing all week, I'm optimistic that Tennessee will play Alabama close throughout, that it will be a single-digit game.
My predictions are met with cat-calls. "Get your razor ready," says Verno.
6. Honest question, what percentage of Alabama fan's love affair with Julio Jones is related to the alliteration and melodic way that Julio rolls off the tongue if you have a Southern accent? Especially given the fact that he hasn't been that productive?
Hearing someone with a Southern accent pronounce the name Julio Jones makes me cringe at the thought that Ron Franklin and Keith Jackson no longer do SEC games.
How awesome would it be if for the SEC Championship game, the SEC managed to get those two guys in the booth? It's a shame that Julio Jones can't tackle Tim Tebow in that game. I think every Southerner would shed a tear over hearing Jackson or Franklin intone, "Julio Jones brings down Tim Tebow in the open field."
Shakespeare meets pigskin, my friends, Shakespeare meets pigskin.
Anyway, the fascination with his name notwithstanding, so far this season, in seven games, Jones has only 13 catches for 175 yards. That's less production than Tennessee's Gerald Jones has provided in five games.
But, to be fair, Gerald Jones is nowhere near as fun to say as Julio Jones.
7. As we near Tuscaloosa, my bladder suddenly feels like it's going to explode. Like if I don't urinate at this exact second, I'm going to open the door to the bus/limo and pee out the door as we drive through campus. Don't pretend you didn't do this for six years during college, Bama fans.
My bladder has only failed me like this once before, at the 2007 Cocktail Party.
And I know what you're thinking, both times you had way too much to drink before the game. Not true, both times, for whatever reason, I simply had to go to the bathroom a ton. And without warning.
Like immediately.
As we idle in traffic alongside Galette's, I make a bold decision.
"Open the door," I say, bailing out onto the street. Four others follow me in a mad dash for the bathroom, abandoning the bus/limo in the process.
The line is short and by the time we've finished I feel like I just finished a drive with four consecutive fourth down conversions.
8. We tailgate on the 'Bama quad.
For years 'Bama didn't allow the quad to be used for tailgating, and now that they do, it's a pretty amazing setting. You're within a JaMarcus Russell fly pattern pass from the football stadium, pretty much everyone is welcoming, and the trees climb high into the air providing a welcoming canopy of shade in the early season but still allowing room for sunlight in the late fall. It's a near-perfect setting, Tuscaloosa's own Grove.
As I'm walking around taking in the scenery, a man approaches wearing bright crimson pants. Given that I'm wearing orange pants, I feel an acknowledgment of sorts is in order. But before I can speak, he does.
"Clay Travis!"
We shake hands. His name is Chris M. "Don't take this the wrong way, and I'm not gay, but you're better looking in person than you are on the Internet."
The only other person to ever say this is my mom.
9. Early in the late-morning, Vol and Bammers are in joint agreement on one thing -- rooting for the sun to emerge from the clouds. The sunshine is sporadic, when it emerges the weather is perfect, warm but not yet, when it vanishes there's a cold wind and everyone stands with their arms crossed.
As kickoff nears we head for the stadium walking through the quad. Denny Chimes is to our right, the sun, as if on order from God, who is doubtlessly an SEC football fan given his gifts of ample cleavage, tiny waists, and long legs that he has bestowed upon the women of the South, brings on the sunshine.
Suddenly everything is bathed in bright light.
10. Now comes the only negative of the trip, fat sorority girls from Alabama stand alongside the brick walkway taunting Tennessee fans with witty banter as we pass.
"F--- You, Vols," they call. Then they liven up the insults with, "Volun-queers!" chants.
I pause in front of them for a second. "It's not our fault, you're fat," I say.
11. Inside the stadium we're sixteen rows up at midfield. Tip of the beaver pelt cap to Lance Taylor for these seats. There are hardly any fans in orange anywhere near us. Now let's get rolling on game observations.
12. The stirrings of discomfort begin early in the stadium when Eric Berry nearly decapitates Greg McElroy on the first series of the game. Bama punts, and Tennessee gets a great punt return and immediately drives to the Bama 35 thanks to a third down conversion from Crompton to Denarius Moore.
From here Bama buckles down and forces a punt, but the tone of the game has been set, the Vols haven't come to merely stay alive.
By the time Tennessee stops Alabama on fourth down during the Crimson Tide's second drive, there are genuine murmurs of discomfort in Bryant-Denny.
13. You know how you can tell things are going poorly for the home team?
A guy gets tackled near the sideline and the crowd screams for a late hit personal foul. A guy gets tackled by the shoulder pad and everyone screams for the face mask call.
Put another way, all of last season, the only way Tennessee could gain 15 yards on an offensive play was via personal foul. I found myself actually rooting for face masks and late hits as the ball was snapped.
In case you were wondering, last year aged me fifteen years.
14. During a long commercial break, they pipe in Justin Timberlake's Sexy Back. My fellow UT pants wearing compatriot, Matt, turns to me, "What do you think the Bear would have thought of them playing Sexy Back during timeouts?"
We ask, Chris, a Bama fan sitting next to us who will consume an entire fifth of Bourbon during the game. At one point he shares a drink with me. It's Bourbon on ice. A full cup.
It's what I imagine gasoline tastes like.
He thinks for a moment. "The Bear was a great modernizer," he says, "he would have loved Sexy Back. Plus, he liked asses."
Here goes with the full mailbag. http://ncaafootball.fanhouse.com/2009/10/23/mailbag-from-rome-to-boardwalk/
By the time you read this I'll be at book signing in Birmingham. Then I'll be hanging out on the radio in Birmingham and Memphis for Friday. Getting prepped up for the UT-Alabama game. Which brings me to the above link, remember when you were a kid and you'd watch old games that your dad had seen and think they looked ancient. Well, meet the CBS introduction to Tennessee-Alabama from 1996.
How ancient does this thing look? And it's only 13 years old. Look at Jim Nantz's mullet, the neon graphics that look like something you designed in computer class. Seriously, how is it possible that we used to think this was awesome? If my son ever sees this intro, which he one day will, he's going to look at me like I used to look at my dad when old sporting clips played. He'll be thinking, "Man, your sports were really lame, Dad."
Our beaver pelt trader of the week goes to Jim Nantz's 1996 mullet.
Anyway, on to our picks with the French girl and from there, to All That and a Bag of Mail.
In my continuing battle with my family's former French exchange student, Audrey, we hit a bit of a snag last week. Namely, she didn't submit her picks because she was traveling without internet access. But, fortunately, I submitted mine and managed to go 3-3. Meaning, nothing really changed. So we'll consign last week to the dustbin of Internet history and continue anew this week.
To refresh, I'm 15-14-1 and Audrey is 11-17-2
Here are my picks followed by Audrey's.
Arkansas @ Ole Miss -6.5
Tennessee @ Alabama -16.5
Iowa -1 @ Michigan State
Florida -23 @ Mississippi State
Auburn @ LSU -7.5
Oregon State @ USC -21
Audrey's picks along with her rationalizations (or possibly a word association exercise):
Ole Miss - Crocodile Tennessee - Of course Michigan State - lake Florida - Hurricane Auburn - Hair Oregon State - Where the hell is that?
Craig B. writes:
Clay,
Since you are the resident expert on all things modern man, I wanted to pass along this article and get your thoughts. This guy says that ancient Australian aboriginals run close to the speed of Usain Bolt?Also, a Roman Legion would complete a marathon and a half a day? That's almost 40 miles a day!
In all seriousness, what does this say for the modern male, especially coupled with the steady emasculation by women. Is all lost for the modern male?
Also, did you make the bet with Vernon? Is the beard on the line? Your Vols will not cover!
Roll Tide!
This article is awesome because we can extrapolate the speed that someone was running based on ancient footprints in the mud? How much more amazing is that ability than being able to run really fast? In this article, I'm troubled by the definition of ancient man, though. For instance, before the mind was fully developed does it really surprise you that we would have been stronger? Or faster?
And if we play the thread back far enough isn't that like being jealous of a our pre-evolutionary ancestors? Can you even do that?
I do buy the Roman Legion business, those guys were unbelievable. I mean if Oprah can run a marathon today, does it surprise me that some of the baddest warriors in the history of mankind could run 40 miles while carrying half their body weight?
Wouldn't this be an awesome television show, you and a bunch of buddies try to be Roman Legion guys? With no training.
And you have to cover 40 miles while carrying all of your armor.
How long would this take to complete?
Days, certainly. A week? Especially if you couldn't leave any men or material behind. I'd love to see this. Hell, I'm volunteering to try.
But I still don't believe some aboriginal in Australia is faster than Usain Bolt. In fact, the more I think about this, the more ridiculous I think it is.
Although I wish we could clone these guys and give them modern running technology like the author suggests. My other favorite thing from this article was the bit about the African tribesmen who had to jump their height to become men.
What if you couldn't do that? How frustrating would it be to constantly fail?
Also, he suggests that jumping a lot makes you a better jumper. That's not really true, right? I mean, at least not to any great extent. You might add a couple of inches to your vertical, but jumping ability is one of the most innate athletic talents there is.
Anyway, fascinating article. Clearly, we're all pansies.
Jason O. writes:
C'lay,
Jake the Snake warns about the spread of snakes.
I think that a hefty dose of DDT would do the trick here.
An idea: Our new strategy for stopping the entry of exotic snakes into America, Jake the Snake DDT's the offending smugglers.
Maybe we even have a ship moored out in international waters where we take these guys so the Constitution wouldn't apply. At least in the Bush White House.
Better strategy, what if we started broadcasting old Jake the Snake wrestling tapes to the Pakistani and Afghani militants, with the idea that Jake was an exotic mystic with superhuman powers.
Then instead of waterboarding them to get information, we just bring in Jake the Snake, he turns over a few chairs, pulls out Damien, and they confess after being threatened with the DDT.
Here goes with the full column. With a warning attached, this is one of the only areas of the law that I find truly fascinating.
Earlier Wednesday Deadspin editor A.J. Daulerio went to war with ESPN in retaliation for stonewalling from inside Bristol about the Steve Phillips affair. In a post that went up at noon ET, Daulerio unloaded on ESPN for denying any impropriety on Phillips's behalf when he asked them about it in September.
In that post, he threatened to unleash holy hell on ESPN for sexual harassment scandals that have gone heretofore unreported. Over the next several hours, Deadspin, the largest sports blog on the internet, reported on Eric Kuselias' reprimand for sexual harassment at Monday Night Football parties, his alleged affair inside the company and his subsequent divorce. Even the ESPN suits came in for it: Katie Lacey, Executive Vice President at ESPN and head of marketing, was accused of interoffice affairs and being named in an EEOC complaint.
Deadspin threw the entire ESPN corporate culture under the bus in a final post for the day. That post included this phrase for the road crews: Importing: "This is when you have a girl on the road but then fly her in to another destination. Women of this caliber may or may not be let out of hotel, either for fear of being outed or because they are not that attractive."
All of these posts arrived via the understated banner headline: ESPN Horndog Dossier.
In the process of making these posts Deadspin raised many interesting issues for the blogosphere, major media corporations, and the legal rules that govern online writing. Despite the growing popularity of blogs, most of these issues have not been adequately examined. So here we go.
As a preliminary, the stormy relationship between ESPN and Deadspin is, I think, illustrative of the simultaneous attraction and revulsion that large media feel with more independent blog sites in today's Internet age. In the four years that Deadspin has existed, ESPN has moved from blacklisting the site as a source for all news to hosting the site on the network's campus in Bristol, Conn., and inviting writers and editors to corporate events. In essence, ESPN has gone from the consistent butt of posting jokes to a knowing conspirator, an accomplice in internet lampooning. Last week, in an effort to acknowledge the growing power of the blogosphere while also bringing them within the scope of the Disney umbrella, ESPN even sponsored a gathering of bloggers in Las Vegas, Deadspin included.
If rapprochement was the goal, it failed. At least in the short term. Less than a week later, Deadspin unleashed scores of missiles directed at Bristol in retaliation for -- and this is pretty amazing if you know the site's history -- not being forthcoming enough when questioned about specific corporate incidents. Yep, ESPN has worked so hard to include Deadspin within their embrace, that when, paradoxically, they aren't forthcoming with the site, the response is even more withering than it ever would have been if there had been no relationship at all. The lesson is clear, attempt to seduce the blogosphere at your own peril. In the foreign policy arena, ESPN is a bumbling nation state intent on quelling all Internet danger. Deadspin is Iran, finger always poised on the posting bomb.
Now, as a point of demarcation, the idea that ESPN is a corporate monolith is flagrantly incorrect. The reality is that many of the best tips that Deadspin receives emanate from employees unsatisfied with their own employer. Many of these tips Deadspin doesn't run, but the fact remains that many of the people most incensed by ESPN are often ESPN employees. Lacking a method to express their frustrations publicly, they often turn to sites such as Deadspin to air the company's dirty laundry. Which is why Deadspin could taunt ESPN by mentioning a meeting at 6 PM Wednesday evening that dealt with the fallout from Wednesday's blog posts. Someone on the inside is always e-mailing.
As a result of the Deadspin jihad, ESPN employees feverishly logged onto their computers to see who would be the next target unveiled. And Deadspin's actions, as the most public of the sports blogs, became a fevered topic across the Internet. One of the favored criticisms of blogs in general by "mainstream" media is that blogs lack accountability. Backing into this, the definition of "mainstream" is entirely out of whack by those who toss it around. In August of 2009, Deadspin had 22 million page views. On Wednesday alone, the site has had over a million. If Deadspin is not "mainstream," then virtually every newspaper site in the country is outside the mainstream as well. So are most television shows on cable, virtually every print newspaper in the country, and just about every radio show on Earth. So Deadspin rests squarely in the middle of the stream, occasionally urinating in the water as it goes past perhaps, but squarely in that stream.
Second, what do we mean by accountability? Surely Deadspin employees, who are employed by Gawker Media, are accountable to their bosses like employees everywhere. Moreover, even if bloggers aren't employees, all of us are accountable to the law, and isn't the law the ultimate arbiter? And that's where the rubber meets the road when it comes to this dispute between Deadspin and ESPN. What are the legalities as it pertains to Deadspin's actions. In other words, will they get sued for posting this information, and if they do, what will be the fallout?
This falls squarely within my legal wheelhouse. And let me tell you, that's tough to do. In fact, three weeks ago I led a Continuing Legal Education seminar on the legalities of internet writing in the 21st century, with a particular focus on liability, public figures, and the jurisprudence of blogs. So let's dissect the issues at hand here.
First, is Deadspin going to get sued for airing the dirty laundry of ESPN?
And the short answer is, who knows? Companies file lawsuits all the time. Just because you're sued doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. All that a suit requires is a compliant lawyer and money to pay them. And let me tell you, those two things are not in short supply. The more interesting question is, what are the legal ramifications of posts such as Deadspin's in today's era of defamation law?
Let's begin with the most important part of any defamation suit -- if it's true, it's not defamatory. What's more, the plaintiff (person filing the suit) bears the burden of proving the defamation is not true. Which means that many lawyers advise their clients against bringing suit because then the plaintiff's private life is opened up for scrutiny during the discovery phase of the case. (See Clemens, Roger) And if you have any skeleton's in your closet, you don't want to get deposed on these issues. So there's that hurdle for any potential plaintiff.
The second most important aspect of a defamation case is actually establishing whether or not someone is a public figure. Why is that important? Because if you aren't a public figure then you merely have to prove negligence by the publisher of the false information. So if you're a virulent or snarky writer you want to go after public figures. Fortunately for Internet writers, the vast majority of blog posts deal with public figures. And New York Times v. Sullivan has enshrined an awful lot of protection for blogosphere publishers. In that famous case from 1964, the Supreme Court ruled that in order for a public figure to recover for defamation they must be able to prove that the statement was made with "actual malice" i.e. a. a knowledge of falsity or b. a reckless disregard of whether it was true or false.
In the present situation, the on-air talent such as Kuselias, would clearly be a public employee. I think it's a closer call on the executives, such as Katie Lacey, but I'd be inclined to argue that those individuals are also public figures given that their conduct as employees of a major sports company is being called into question by a sports blog. Again, I think that's a closer call, but it's directly related to their jobs. Particularly since Lacey is director of marketing.
As an aside, in an internet age, drawing the line on who is a public figure and who is not, is fascinating to me. And it takes a ton for the law to be fascinating to me. For instance with Facebook, Twitter, online profiles on work sites, and the like it's awfully hard to distinguish where the line is between public and private for anyone with an online presence. Is a Facebook status message that is limited to only your friends, for instance, fair game for the entire world to consume? We've had several instances of those messages being huge national stories in the sporting arena. Surely those messages were intended only for the "friends" on that network. What about sports message boards, some of the wildest places around, are all college athletes public figures? Is a lacrosse player at Loyola of Chicago the same as Tim Tebow?
I'd argue that there's almost a default presumption that we're all public figures now in the way that reporting and internet linkage takes place. But that position has not really been explored yet by the courts.
Okay, several columns coming shortly. But in the meantime, I'll be on the road to Birmingham tomorrow for my only signing in Alabama. I'll be at the Brookwood Village Books-a-Million from 7-9 on Thursday night. That's tomorrow.
Anyway, the recent CBS news stories have reignited interest in the case. Particularly whether or not Sahel Kazemi was, as is alleged by the authorities, the murderer. CBS's Armen Keteyian has raised so many issues with his reports that the Nashville police have released a 14 page case summary. In all fairness this summary seems to erase an awful lot of Keteyian's reportorial questions.
It also makes you shudder to think about your text messages being released publicly. Especially if you're dead and in them you're professing love to a woman you're not married to.
The Nashville police say they've been aware of Gilliam's initial lies about his relationship with Kazemi for some time, and they name and reference the woman photographed above in the story. She was also having a "relationship" with McNair. Now her story is clearly newsworthy. Meaning the Tennessean has been sitting on a story for months that they've now been scooped on.
On Saturday, I didn't see a single snap of a single college football game. Not one. This has never happened before in my life. Instead I was an usher at my friend's wedding in Atlanta. This means that this week's ClayNation Starting 11 is going to be a primer on my day in a fall wedding.
The wedding featured a bride who had graduated from Auburn and a groom who had graduated from Kentucky. Are the alarm bells going off yet? The two teams played Saturday night. Seven of the 11 groomsmen and ushers graduated from Kentucky, all of the bridesmaids went to Auburn. The result was a near riot. But that comes in the future. First, the beginning.
9:30AM CT
Departure from Nashville. It's freezing. Seriously, freezing. It has to be the coldest Oct. 17 in the history of Tennessee. Another couple arrives to ride down to the wedding with us, my friend Kelly, and his girlfriend Erin. Kelly is also a groomsman. As we load up for the trip, my wife asks me to clear out the rear of the car so we can put the third seat down and someone can sleep on the way back.
I forget.
As we walk to the car, I realize this fact, and tell the other couple to say they asked me not to put down the third seat or clear out the trunk. We arrive at the car.
My wife immediately notices: "Clay! I told you to put down the third seat."
"They said we didn't need to do it." I nudge the other couple.
They both nod.
My wife narrows her gaze, fiery in my direction. "Did he tell you to say that?" she asks.
Kelly changes the conversation, "How come our tuxes cost $150?" he asks.
Interlude:
Has anyone ever had to pay $150 for a tux before? Here's a comparison. In 1999, oral sex cost $50 in Amsterdam. So a decade ago, you could leave the red light district with a smile on your face for $150. Now I can rent one tux to be an usher at a wedding?
Takeaway: The tuxedo rental business is insane. How are the margins this high for a 24-hour rental? Why isn't there an online tux rental place that FedExes you the tux, does away with the physical store location, and charges like $50?
Basically, why doesn't Amazon rent tuxes?
And if they do have physical stores, why are they such pussbuckets at these places? Do they really need your overarm measurement? Who am I, Tony Siragusa? How many people have ridiculous overarm measurements that change what size jacket they should be wearing?
And why are their hours so bad? The place in Nashville is only open from 10-5 every day.
10-5!
The bank is more convenient. I don't really have any reason to complain about this since I work from home, but my friend Kelly has to take off work to get measured for his tux.
Meanwhile, I tried to submit my measurements online. I'm a normal-sized guy. Give me a 34 waist, a 42 regular jacket, and I'm ready to go. Yet the measurements won't submit until I give an overarm measurement?
I entered seven feet. Or seven inches. I'm not really sure how that form worked.
10:15
I'm pulled over for speeding, going 90 in a 70. Bad news, it's a Tennessee state trooper. Worse news, my tags and registration are expired. Also, I don't have my insurance card in the car. Basically, all I have is my driver's license.
My wife fumes in the back seat. "I hope they don't arrest you," she says.
"If you did get arrested," Kelly says, "that would be pretty funny."
I attempt to make friends with the state trooper, a man with a shaved head, one working eye, and a slight stutter. My tax dollars at work.
"We're on our way ..."
He cuts me off. "Sign this, please."
In my entire life, I've only gotten away with speeding once after being pulled over. Why then? Because I had a Virgin Islands license plate on the car and the cop had no idea how to write me a ticket. I considered keeping the Virgin Islands plate for the next decade. The only time I ever wish I was a woman is every time I get pulled over for speeding.
Also, if a war happens.
Anyway, and I'm not making this up, the speeding ticket and other two violations add up to $784.48.
How is this not cruel and unusual punishment? People pay lower fines for murder.
Truly.
10:30
My wife has spent the past 15 minutes ridiculing my driving. She has been in two car accidents in the past year. But if I mention them, she gets very angry.
In one of them she totaled a car, in another "accident" she lightly bumped a car in front of her at a stop sign. There was not a scratch on their bumper, yet the entire family went to the hospital on a stretcher.
11:00
We stop for lunch. The best part of my day? The Mushroom Swiss Angus burger at McDonald's, number 14 on the value meal. I'm not exaggerating when I say it's the greatest sandwich in the history of fast food. It's like sex meets McDonald's ... aka Louisville basketball.
11:45
We plug in the GPS to check our time situation. After 10 minutes my wife says, "Uh oh." We're scheduled to arrive at 2:55.
The bus taking us to pictures departs the hotel at 3:00.
Now, we have to arrive, get changed into our tuxes, and depart in five minutes.
1:05 PM
Twenty minutes later, the time changes. We're now on the East Coast.
I hate the timezone change.
Firmly.
For my entire life as an adult, I'm only ever driving from the central time zone to the eastern time zone. I'm always losing an hour. And don't give me that crap about gaining it when you come back. I never need to rush back to something in the central time zone.
Nashville is fairly close to the time line. It gets dark early in winter, the sun goes down earlier in summer, basically the only thing worth gaining in the central time zone is an hour earlier late-night television. And now that I have a kid I'm too tired to stay up for that anyway. Plus, thanks to dawn arriving in Nashville at 4:55 every morning, he gets up as soon as the sun rises.
So, as you can see, even time is lined up against me.
1:15 PM
My iPhone is losing battery life, which means I may not have any ability to keep tabs on the scores. Two issues with the iPhone. A.) The battery life is shorter than a Wizard of Oz munchkin and B.) You can't read anything when you use the Internet browser. How do you zoom on Web pages if you don't have the app downloaded?
Yeah, it's great that there are 85,000 apps, but if you could just read a Web page by using the Internet browser you would need like 18 apps.
For instance, the only app I have that is designed to do anything other than read a Web page is paper football.
How is this not noted as a flaw?
1:15-2:50 now ET
My wife says, "Stop driving so fast." Repeatedly.
2:51
We exit near the hotel. The road to our hotel is only there because the Perimeter Mall is also there. The entire road, and this is the complete truth, is just a loop around the mall.
This is my issue with Atlanta, the entire city's road system seems to exist so you can reach a shopping center that didn't exist before.
We stop at eight consecutive lights, all bordering the mall. With this rate of speed, now I know what the immigrants felt like crossing the Atlantic.
2:57
Arrival at the hotel. I leave the car running and go digging through my bag for black socks. Unfortunately, I mistakenly brought blue socks.
With tiny penguins etched on them.
2:58
Kelly beats me to the hotel desk and gets his key first. Our tuxes are waiting in our rooms.
3:01
The desk clerk takes her time checking me in. I learn that the hotel has a free breakfast, something about Wi-Fi, and am tempted to strangle the clerk with my penguin socks.
Here's the only thing I've ever wanted other than a hotel room: a toothbrush in my hotel room. If you don't have toothbrushes, I couldn't care less about the other accoutrements.
In fact, a promise, the next hotel chain that starts providing disposable toothbrushes and toothpaste, I will stay in for the rest of my life.
3:06
I'm dressed in my tuxedo and nonchalantly waiting in the lobby as if I've been here all morning. Several other groomsmen arrive to inform me that Oklahoma and Texas, while poorly played, is currently tied at 13.
3:10
We all climb into the shuttle en route to the church. Beers are opened.
The groom says there is a television in the church but it doesn't work. "It's only for videos."
Videos of what?
3:15
The groom says there will be no televisions at the reception because the bride believes they would be a "distraction."
The Kentucky grads all groan.
Question: If millions of people choose to do something, i.e. attend or watch a football game, and 125 do something else, say, attend a wedding, doesn't that make the wedding the distraction?
3:31
Drinking inside the church is forbidden. So everyone stands on the curb outside and drinks. Kerry wins the BlackBerry, iPhone shuffle and becomes the first to report that Texas has beaten Oklahoma.
3:55
Florida and Arkansas are scoreless midway through the first quarter. We're seated in a large room with two televisions. A groomsman begins to work on obtaining a signal from the television.
"Who has a flat screen," he asks, "only to watch videos?"
4:05
We confirm the church has a flat screen only to watch videos. Arkansas leads 7-0 on Florida.
4:15
Picture time!
We take eight photographs. In one of them the groom is walking 10 feet ahead of us and we're supposed to chase him. It's only the second most homoerotic shot.
In the most homoerotic shot, the groom stands in front and everyone gets in a straight line behind him and raises their arms in different directions. "I promise it looks really cool," the photographer says.
Kelly shakes his head, "I don't know about you," he says, "but I'm opting out of the teabag shot."
4:25
Most of the groomsmen relocate to the parked bus and, in a silent effort to reclaim their manliness, begin drinking beers heavily.
There is also a flat-screen television on the bus.
But, you guessed it ... no satellite signal.
It's for videos or DVDs as well.
4:59
Outside the groom's room hangs a picture of Jesus that appears to focus on His nipple. I stand looking at the painting for a few seconds.
Another man passes, "You don't really think about Jesus' nipples that much until you see a picture like that," he says.
5:30
Florida leads Arkansas 13-10. Southern Cal is up two scores on Notre Dame. Virginia Tech is down to Georgia Tech.
My iPhone battery hangs perilously on the living side of electronic life, bars vanishing at a rapid rate.
5:35
We line up to begin ushering guests into the church. Things begin ominously, I take a woman's arm and her mentally handicapped daughter throws a screaming fit.
She pats me on the arm. "It's okay," she says.
As I walk down the aisle, I'm expecting to be tackled from behind. My mind is racing. What's protocol? I have to take the beating without resisting, right?
If I bleed do I owe more money for the tuxedo rental?
5:51
A grown man who shall remain nameless, but who does not have a BlackBerry or an iPhone pulls me aside when he sees me checking scores. "I hate Florida" he says.
I nod.
"Can you keep up with the game during the service?"
I nod again.
"Here's what you do, if Arkansas scores, give me a thumbs up, if Florida scores, flick me off."
Welcome to a Southern wedding ladies and gentlemen.
5:55
We take our seats in the pews. I silence my phone and set it on auto-refresh.
Radio, Signing in Birmingham This Thursday, Friday
Monday, October 19, 2009
I'll be talking about this quite a bit as the game gets closer, but I'll be in Birmingham beginning Thursday for UT-Alabama. On Thursday I've got a signing at the Books-a-Million in Brookwood Village from 7-9.
Then come Friday, I'll be hanging out with Lance, Brien, and Verno on Friday. First on air in Birmingham and then on air in Memphis. It's an entire day of football with the guys who have the two funniest shows in the SEC footprint, the Roundtable on Jox and then Chris Vernon out of Memphis. Anyway, I'm also headed on for my weekly spot at 1:06 central with the Birmingham guys. Listen live at the above link.
And by way of update, since some of y'all have emailed, I'm on weekly with Verno at 5:05 central every Monday in Memphis, then Friday's with Josh Ward and crew midday on Knoxville's Sports Animal. And, of course, you can find me and Wagon Withrow every Tuesday night on 104.5 in Nashville.
Sadly, my old flame Elin Grindemyr will not be there for the signing or the radio shows.
Jeff Fisher's frozen mustache passed for more yards than the Tennessee Titans did on Sunday. So did you. So did I. In the end, the Titans passed for -7 yards, lost 59-0, and left anyone with a pulse in Nashville wondering why Fisher is making $5 million a year. Eventually, Sunday made history, as the Patriots delivered the worst beating in an NFL game since 1976. And for those of us who watched every snap, the game wasn't even as close as the final score. Nope, 59-0 was as generous as Bill Belichick and the Patriots could have been in defeating the Titans.
But merely reading about this game does the contest a disservice. To truly experience the defeat you had to be sitting on your couch, in a Titans t-shirt, jaw agape, amazed at what you were seeing. I've been alive for 30 football seasons now and never been so astounded at my team's incompetence. In fact, in my entire life as a sports fan, I've never seen a beating this bad in any sport. Here we go with 16 observations from the game.
1. The entire game had a dreamlike quality to it. Snow in mid-October? An icy field? The way points only materialized on one side of the scoreboard?
You felt like you were watching a Madden game between someone who had been playing for two decades and a novice gamer. What's more, everyone saw it because it was the national game on CBS.
I guarantee you that Fisher kept repeating to himself, "This is really happening, this is really happening" -- although he never seemed to raise his voice or react at all on the sideline. He looked like a mustachioed scientist who suddenly realized that a heretofore unimaginable theory, time travel for instance, was actually possible. And not just possible, happening right before his eyes.
I guarantee you that in 20 years, when NFL Films does a retrospective on this game, Fisher will admit that he found the beating obscenely transcendent, like Balloon Boy meets football.
2. The Patriots scored their second touchdown on a 40-yard flea flicker.
Let me repeat that, they scored on a flea flicker!
If you've ever sought play-calling evidence that one team doesn't respect the talent level of another, calling this play was the perfect example. It's snowing and players have been losing their footing the entire game. Yet the Patriots hand the ball off in the snow, run a man into the line of scrimmage, have him pause with defenders all around him, turn away from the defense, toss a wet football back to their quarterback, have the quarterback field the wet toss, reposition the ball, survey the field still without a defender near him, and throw a laser to a wide-open Randy Moss.
Oh, and the Patriots are driving into the wind when they score.
Think about all the ways the Titans could have stopped this play from succeeding. Then think about all the things that have to go right for the Patriots to succeed with this play call.
The best part of this play was how Phil Simms criticized Titans' safety Chris Hope for not staying behind the receiver. Evidently he expects Hope to expect the flea flicker in this situation. On the sideline Hope had to be sitting around thinking, "What the f... Why'd I ever leave Pittsburgh?"
3. The Titans' "defense" of Randy Moss when they blitzed down 17-0.
Moss threw up his hand about two yards into the route to signify that he was wide open. At no point was he actually covered by a defender. Think about how hard this is to manage on a football field. The Titans didn't jam him at the line and get beat, they didn't throw a safety over the top and get beat off the line with hope that they'd have him covered deep. Nope, they allowed him to run unmolested down the field, beat two men, who were offering token resistance, and catch a ball in the end zone without touching him.
It's inexplicable.
Truly.
If you've ever wondered what you'd look like trying to cover Randy Moss in an NFL game, watch this play from beginning to end. It's like the Titans suddenly lined up your Aunt Irene on the most explosive wideout in the history of the game. And then told her to cover him.
Alone.
Wearing her dress and heels.
Not surprisingly, Moss scored from 28 yards out to make it 24-0.
4. At this point in the game, my wife left the room because she said I was too upset.
But I really wasn't. Why not? Because I started to believe we might truly witness something unbelievable. And isn't that why many of us watch sports to begin with? Because at some moment there might be something we've never seen before? And we can't stomach if we missed that happening.
Well, I didn't miss it.
5. Wes Welker scored to put New England up 38-0 on the Titans and there was no one within 20 yards of him when he caught the ball.
Again, true question: If you took seven average high school players, told them the defense, had them line up and play that pass defense, is there any way they could be in worse position than the Titans were on this touchdown pass?
I'm not saying the high school players need to make a tackle or do something incredible. All I'm asking is whether they could have been closer to Welker when the pass was competed. And, be still my heart, could they have touched him before he scored?
Just a grazing of the fingertip as he ran down the sideline.
They could, right?
Better question, what if you and six of your buddies that could all run 100 yards without needing an oxygen tank, lined up against the Patriots on that play. And the entire purpose of your defense was only to be close to the receivers if they happened to catch a pass.
Then, to your benefit, you only have to cover 30 yards on the field. Because that's how much the Titans had to cover on that play.
How pissed would you be if you gave up the Welker score and no one even touched him?
Pissed, right?
Now you know how Keith Bulluck felt as he walked off the field.
6. Has there ever been a more disappointing football performance from a team in a season?
Keep in mind that the Titans had the best record in football last year. They returned 20 of 22 starters. Vegas had them as one of the favorites to win the Super Bowl. In fact, I bet on the TItans back in August at 20-1 odds just because I always want to bet on my team when I'm in Vegas.
And now we're 0-6.
Again, if we'd known we were going to suck, we could have handled it. But this entire season has been the equivalent of the scene in "Old School" when Mitch came home and found out his live-in girlfriend liked threesomes when he was out of town.
I really want nominations for a greater variety between a season's expectations and their reality. I think the Titans might be setting a new benchmark.
7. What's the most amazing thing about the five touchdowns in a single quarter?
Think about how hard it is to get five possessions in a quarter. Then think about how hard it is to get five possessions in a quarter when the other team has possession of the football to begin the quarter, meaning you actually have to score five touchdowns in under ten minutes of playing time. Then think about how hard it is to score on five consecutive possessions. Then think about how hard it is to score five touchdowns. Then think about how hard it is to score five touchdowns all by passes.
Seriously, if you think about this for too long it's the football equivalent of trying to determine what happens if a snake starts to eat its own tail.
Yep, the end result makes you dizzy.
8. Tom Brady's numbers on the day: 29-of-34 for 380 yards, six touchdowns. Kerry Collins's numbers on the day: 2-of-12, -7 yards, 1 interception.
I'm asking this question honestly, has there ever been a greater divide between quarterback statistics in the history of the league -- for one quarterback to throw for 387 yards more than another? For six touchdowns to none?
When was the last time a quarterback threw for negative yardage? Plumbing the intricacies of this game's statistics is going to break several computers. You already got that sense. For instance, it took over an hour for CBS to confirm that 45-0 was the greatest halftime deficit in NFL history.
9. Combining Brady and Brian Hoyer, the Patriots' quarterbacks were 38-for-45 for 432 yards.
People who didn't watch this weather won't even understand how remarkable this performance was. Even completing 85 percent of the passes in this game without a defense against you would have been pretty decent. A wet ball, the windy conditions, the snow, the wet field, wet hands -- all of these things should have led to a less than sterling passing game.
If Chuck Cecil's job was in question before today, after today he should be packing up his desk at the Titans' facility.
10. LenDale White's fumble and then leaving the field on a cart.
I think White is going to be back on Tequila after tonight. If I was him, while I was in the locker room, I would have bought an entire case of Patron and had it delivered to my house in Nashville.
11. My friend Tardio texted me at halftime to ask if we could get a running clock for the second half.
My opinion on fall weddings is clear: They shouldn't exist. Notwithstanding that fact, by the time you read this I'll be traveling to Atlanta for a wedding. My role? I'm an usher. Seriously, an usher. The quintessential position for men at weddings when you're not well-respected enough to stand in front of the crowd, but too well-known by the bride and groom to be left in the crowd. Instead you help people be seated.
Which is a great and noble thing to do if you're like 16. If you're an usher and you're 30, you just look ridiculous. So tip your beaver pelts this way this weekend, I'll be the usher hitting refresh on his phone to see what the scores of all the games are.
Anyway, our beaver pelt trader of the week is Colt McCoy's girlfriend. For obvious reasons ... reasons for which you should consult with our good friends at Google image search. Then look for my column on weddings, football, and the like by Sunday afternoon.
On to All That and a Bag of Mail.
As you'll no doubt recall, I continue to distinguish America by picking against my family's former French exchange student, Audrey. In particular, I soared out to a 3-3 record last week, while Audrey went 2-3 and left off one pick. So we'll call that a push and let her be 2-3-1.
I'm now 15-14-1 while Audrey is 11-17-2. Here are my picks for the weekend:
Oklahoma v. Texas -3.5
Iowa @ Wisconsin -2.5
Cal -4 @ UCLA
Arkansas @ Florida -24.5
Southern Cal -10 @ Notre Dame South Carolina @ Alabama -17.5
And here are Audrey's:
TBD
James B. writes:
C'lay
If Jamarcus Russell went to Texas Tech, could he throw for seven TDs?
I thought about this after my buddy sai,d "I could put up those numbers at Texas Tech." I almost think he could, and believe he'd do it before JaMarcus could.
On the season or in one game?
I kid, I kid.
Here's all you need to know, Mike Leach found his kicker during a halftime contest. Could he plug in a No. 1 pick in the NFL draft and make him a star in college? One hundred percent yes. Mike Leach could plug anyone in at quarterback and make them a star. Even your mom.
Reality show worth watching: Mike Leach takes your mom and matches her up against the Georgia defense. Could she be a 300 yard passer? Would Georgia keep playing the run on play after play? I'm picturing the camera cutting away to Willie Martinez as he furiously chews on gum and stares out at the offense on the field. He's stacked the line for a run!
Again.
And again.
And again.
Meanwhile your mom is taking the snap, high kick of the leg (it's a silent count) and rolling right or rolling left hitting one receiver after another with her wobbly end over end pass as the receiver runs the drag route. Camera cuts to Martinez with his hands on top of his head staring at the sky.
Meanwhile your mom is doing the sigma sign on both sides of her helmet.
Anyway, recognizing defenses, like writing a Disney screenplay starring a pink dolphin that makes a billion dollars, is one of the few things in life I'd guarantee I'd be good at. So many college offenses only require passes of 40 yards and under that I think I could pull off some of these throws. Now, once I got hit on a pass, I'd curl up in the fetal position, suck on my thumb, and go chart passes on the sideline. But I'd definitely be quick enough to know where the ball should go.
Brad L. writes
I was thinking about throwing my beard a birthday party. He will be one year old soon.
By all means. Throw your beard a party. Why not? My beard will turn seven around Thanksgiving. Yep, I've had it since the fall of 2002. As beards go for 30-year-old men, it's like Methuselah at this point.
Also, my son turns 2 soon, and I'm sure we'll throw him a birthday party. But here's the deal, he doesn't have any friends that will come to the party. Remember when you look at the pictures of you turning 2 and there were all these other kids around and it was a wild party? Of course you actually remember none of it, but it was a really big deal.
Well, Fox doesn't have any friends his own age. Perhaps more ominously, we don't have any close friends with kids his age. So he's going to be the only kid at his second birthday party. At what age do you have to have kids at your party or you're a loser? Can we rent some?
Anyway, 2- year-olds don't really like each other. It's just another person trying to take Thomas the Train from you. They're basically like teenage girls in this respect, only you replace Thomas the Train with a gangly boy with braces.
Ben F. writes:
Clay,
Clear up this debate. If you took the SAT tomorrow, would you be smarter or dumber than you were at 18. SAT score wise, anyway.
Definitely dumber. Post-18, there's nothing that I've learned that would make me test better. That's primarily because I was always very good at the verbal sections of tests like that. And awful at math. So I wouldn't have improved on the verbal side of things and those are the skills I've continued to use. Whereas I can barely do any math now.
For instance, if you gave me a geometry test, I'd start to cry. Just think about all the things you know exist in the geometrical universe, for instance, but have no idea how to use or explain. The hypotenuse, obtaining angle measurements when they give you one number in the far right corner, protractors; there's a real argument to be made that geometry is the most useless skill that any of us learn in school. I mean that honestly. Since ninth grade, I've never had to know any of this stuff except for on the SAT or ACT.
But who has?
The .0001% of us who have gone on to be architects?
Maybe.
Why do the rest of us need to learn this?
Speaking of which, you know the only thing I remember really well from ninth grade geometry? My assigned seat was near the pencil sharpener. Remember the old-school pencil sharpeners on the wall? They were metallic silver and spit out all those pencil shavings that would end up in your eye and you couldn't see for like a week? The teacher would be talking and then someone would walk up to the pencil sharpener and you couldn't hear anything for about five minutes? Then a few teachers got the electric sharpeners and those things were the iPhone of the early 1990's. People would stand around and look at the electric sharpener like ancient man used to look at fire.
Anyway, whenever girls went to the old-school pencil sharpener and cranked the machine, it was the ninth grade equivalent of the stripper pole. Their entire bodies would move. It was a pencil peep show. We'd all hit each others arms when the hot girls went to the pencil sharpener.
Anyway, I'd be dumb, but not as dumb as I'd feel if I took the bar exam again. Read the rest here.
Come Saturday morning, Oklahoma and Texas fans are going to be united for the briefest moment before they commence their annual hatefest. Bleary eyed, potentially still drunk, they'll all be cursing when their alarms go off shortly after dawn. For a few hours, being clad in red or burnt orange or crimson doesn't matter, every fan is going to be thinking: How in the hell do I have to set an alarm to get up in time to watch Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford lock and load against one another for the third consecutive year?
Yep, the biggest game of the Big 12 season kicks off shortly after dawn, at 11 local time in Dallas. If you've ever questioned what the Big 12's television status is, the morning kickoff for Texas-Oklahoma, the biggest game with the greatest national title implications in the country this Saturday, proves the Big 12 has no cachet. And that should make you steaming mad no matter where you reside in Big 12 country.
Why?
Because recruits are driven to make their decision by the perception of the conference. Even if a recruit doesn't get an offer from Texas or Oklahoma, another Big 12 school's connection to these programs is valuable. A Big 12 coach may not be able to sell playing in the Red River Rivalry, but he can sell playing against those schools. And in this day and age, when perception of conference strength matters so much and the neighboring SEC is on every channel, you need to put your best cleat forward. And make no mistake about it, the Big 12's best cleat is Oklahoma-Texas.
Every year, there are idiotic scheduling decisions in college football, but Texas-Oklahoma as a consistently early kickoff makes zero sense to me (The game has swung from noon ET to 3:30 ET in recent years). In general I'm opposed to early kickoffs for college games featuring Southern teams because the weather is so good most of the season that the culture, the pageantry, the experience of college football should be paramount. My opposition to early kickoffs down South is one strong reason why I've ripped Jefferson Pilot/Lincoln Financial/Raycom in the past for their games. But at least those games weren't the most desirable of the day in conference, typically those were the least entertaining matchups of the weekend.
What's more, typically the only games that kickoff at noon ET are Big Ten or Big East games. I don't think it makes a ton of sense, for instance, that four Big Ten games kickoff at the exact same time this weekend, but I can appreciate that's a tradition of sorts. And, at the very least, that's typically an hour later in local time. But Texas-Oklahoma at 11? That's a crime against football humanity.
Especially for Texas, who is seeking to prove that they're a national title contender. You think very many people on the West Coast are going to be tuning in at 9AM to see how Texas matches up with a bitter rival? How about potential recruits, teenagers, all over the country? How many of those guys are even going to be awake? Even more ominous, how many big college football fans are going to flip around stations with their remote on Saturday afternoon only to find out that they've missed most of Texas Oklahoma?
All because the Big 12 has a really crappy television contract. And it ain't getting better. Their deal with ESPN/ABC runs through 2016. At a minimum, you'd think the biggest game of the season in the Big 12 would be in primetime. You'd think that, but you'd be wrong.
That's despite the fact that the top-rated games in college football this season are all night games on broadcast television. None of that matters, Texas and Oklahoma will end closer to dawn on Saturday than the witching hour on Sunday. Inexplicably, ABC doesn't have a night game this week. Even more inexplicably, rather than, at a minimum, show the entire nation Texas-Oklahoma in the afternoon, they've elected to split regional coverage and squeeze this game in early, before the regional games kick off. What games are we able to see at 3:30 in our respective wings of the country? Minnesota at Penn State, Texas Tech at Nebraska, Cal at UCLA, and, wait for it, N.C. State at Boston College.
Seriously, that's what we've got instead? Do you really think the regional television audience for Boston College-N.C. State is higher than what the network would draw if they showed a really colorful aquarium instead?
It's nonsensical that Texas and Oklahoma are letting this happen and even more nonsensical for the Big 12 to permit this game to be played outside of primetime. At a time when the SEC is selling every program to the nation, the Big 12 can't even sell its best game to the nation when most people will see it.
Again.
You don't think the Big 12's television contract as compared to the SEC's has something to do with Alabama passing Texas in the polls? Granted there's a strong argument that Alabama has played the best in the country so far, but, guess what, every pollster in the country has been watching Alabama play all season. Texas? Outside of their primetime game against Texas Tech, no one has seen this team play this year. The only possible benefit to either team is that Big Game Bob Stoops might convince his team to play loose since it's so early in the day it can't actually be an important tilt.
It occurs to me that I never linked this. Because, of course, I'm an idiot. Here goes with last Friday's mailbag. Read the full thing here. As a special bonus, I'm currently drafting the mailbag now. So if you see this email, feel free to shoot me a line with a question at clay.travis@gmail.com and you've got decent odds on inclusion.
Ole Miss fans do not take kindly to being called white trash. Even when the person doing it is clearly just trying to get a rise out of them. In fact, they take so unkindly to it, that, should you do it, they'll find your home phone number, call your parents and threaten you with death. Ouch. They also might find out that you do some side work modeling. Luckily, local news is on the case as you can see by the preceding link.
So our beaver pelt trader of the week is this guy from Alabama.
Primarily because his 'Bama Bangs are so fantastic it's impossible for him to be injured by the angry mob of Mississippians who want him dead. His brain is encased with a force field of hair fluff. He'll survive. On to my picks against the French girl who has never seen football and All That and a Bag of Mail.
An update on Clay vs. the French girl. Last week, our fourth week of competition, I finally started to exert some old-fashioned North American dominance. I went 4-2 in picks while Audrey went 1-5.
That means our tally now stands:
Clay 12-11-1 Audrey 9-14-1
Here are our games this week. My picks are in bold:
Georgia @ Tennessee -1.5 Oregon -3.5 @ UCLA Alabama -5 @ Ole Miss
Florida -7.5 @ LSU
Michigan @ Iowa -8
Colorado @ Texas -32
Audrey's Picks:
Tennessee UCLA Florida Iowa Colorado
Chad M. sends us this link, along with this message: Be sure to let your female Florida fans know about this.
I'll save you the click-thru, Little Debbie is giving away 2 million free snack cakes. If proportions hold true, 450 thousand of them or thereabouts will end up on Florida's campus. Josh B. writes:
As you know, Tim Tebow was rocking the beard over the summer, but got rid of it at the start of the season. It appears now that he has started to grow it back, knowing full BGID powers once more. Clearly it was grown in an effort to combat the concussion, and he will start on Saturday.
A few years ago, I argued that Kimbo Slice and other thickly-bearded fighters had a real advantage in MMA. My position was that the beard was the equivalent of moss being draped on the face. And that if two people of equal talent were fighting, the guy with the moss on his face would win because his face was more cushioned from the blows.
Wouldn't a thick beard also lessen the impact if you got hit from the underside of your helmet?
Couldn't the same also be true of thicker hair inside a helmet? Like if you were a running back and you had dreads or an afro wouldn't you be less likely to get a concussion than someone with a shaved head?
Anyway, I have zero doubt that the beard will lead Tebow to victory in the Swamp on Saturday. But am I completely out of line on my beard and thick hair limiting of concussion theory or not?
I don't think so.
We need a doctor to e-mail and set us straight.
Dan J. writes:
Clay,
What's with the emasculation of every guy on television of late? Jim from The Office, Turtle from Entourage, Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men, even Brody Jenner on The Hills. Is it just me or are these guys impossible to watch now?
Great, great point. I used to love Jim. Now? He's really just a puss-bucket.
Same with Turtle. That scene with the UCLA sorority girl in the Entourage finale almost made me want to throw up. Jamie Lynn Sigler is awful on the show too. Why would he want to date her? I don't get it. As for Sheen, the relationship needs to end. At least I think it does.
I disagree a bit on Brody Jenner since I think unlike the other three guys above, his appeal was mostly with women to begin with. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think most guys really looked to Brody Jenner as the epitome of coolness, Did we envy his girls? Yes.
Would we have liked to hang out with him?
I don't think so.
Of course, I might not be the best guy to answer this question anymore. As I watched the new season of The Hills the other night, I was riding an elliptical in my own house. Yep, we own an elliptical machine. Also, I took time out to send a Tweet. This is what five years of marriage does to a man.
I do think there's a common thread here, though. Every show with independent men eventually succumbs to the feminine desire for them not to be independent anymore. It's like when you go to a romantic comedy and you like the first half and then she likes the second half. How many times have you been at a movie and thought to yourself, this thing is going to be one of the funniest movies I've ever seen at the halfway point, and then by the time you finish the entire thing you're ready for it to be over?
Meanwhile your wife or girlfriend is sitting beside you at the beginning thinking, "I can't believe we came to see this movie," and then she's smiling by the end. If they still had see-saws in public parks--they don't, they're considered too dangerous now -- that would be the perfect metaphor. There's rarely an even-plane enjoyment. Somebody has to be up and someone else has to be down.
And so, to get to your question, women have stolen the independence from our male characters. Which infuriates us. And makes the shows almost unwatchable. Especially if you're married. You have to watch the guys on television get emasculated too? Seeing it happen to you and your friends isn't enough.
Must all womankind crush us?
Adam D. writes:
Clay,
After reading your mailbag today, I am fearing that you are headed for the George Costanza realm. It appears you went 3-3 last weekend at best. (CT: Actually 4-2, sir. Count better.) I am not a gambling man, so the spreads aren't exactly what I know much about.
I will say at this point, you are leading me to want to place bets after I read your mailbag on Friday. I think if I just do the opposite of what you pick, I will win big each week! I hope it isn't the pressure of having to beat a French girl. Maybe it is the curse of asking Tebow if he was saving himself for marriage? (which was a classic) Go with the opposite this week. Who knows, maybe you could end up working for the Yankees too?
Let me be clear about this, the French girl is not in my head. It is what it is. I just have to pick one week at a time. I can't worry about what other people think. The only people who can control what happens on that field. ...
You ever notice that when an athlete is rattled they go straight cliche? The most impressive thing about this is how they don't even realize they're going straight cliche.
And, for the record, I am up by three full games on the French girl who has never watched a game of college football in her life.
I own her.
Vive le France? Please. Vive le Clay, more like it.
In 1986, the Wall Street Journal introduced the term "glass ceiling," referring to women and minorities failure to attain highest level jobs despite their apparent qualifications. The phrase is a term of of art that describes an invisible barrier that blocks further ascension up the corporate ladder. This year the glass ceiling has arrived in college football courtesy of Boise State. Don't believe me, how else to explain Boise's rise to No. 5 in the nation and subsequent fall in the polls over the past couple of weeks despite teams above them losing?
Put simply, poll voters have decided that a non-major team isn't worthy of prominent placement among the legitimate contenders for the BCS title. Given that two-thirds of BCS standings arrive courtesy of poll voters, that glass ceiling of perception effectively limits the advancement of non-Big Six teams. Just when these teams believe they've finally cracked the code of championship game inclusion and are poised for victory, the powers-that-be pull a Lucy and move the proverbial football.
Boise State debuted at No. 14 in the preseason AP poll and No. 16 in the coaches' poll. At this point, they were the highest rated non-Big Six conference team. On the first Thursday of the season Boise memorably beat No. 16 Oregon 19-8. The following week Boise advanced on the Top 10, to 12 in the AP and 11 in the coaches' poll. From there Boise's ascension was gradual as teams above them lost. In Week 2, the Broncos were 10 in both polls. Week 3, they were eighth in both polls. Week 4, saw Boise rise to fifth in both polls. At that point, Florida, Texas, Alabama, and LSU were the only four teams in the country ranked above them. Knowledgeable writers such as Dan Wetzel at Yahoo pointed out that Boise had finally cracked the BCS code. With four undefeated teams ranked above them, three of whom were from the SEC and would play against one another, Boise stood a very real possibility of advancing up the poll ranks. With each step up the poll rung, Boise would make history, spiting the powers-that-be of the BCS along the way.
And how couldn't they advance? After all, pollsters don't typically allow a team who is winning and undefeated to be passed by a team with more losses than they have.
Only the glass ceiling was upon us.
Boise peaked with 1,203 points in the AP poll and 1144 in the coaches' poll. By Week 5, the drain was upon us, despite winning a game, Virginia Tech, a one-loss team who beat Duke unconvincingly, passed the Broncos in the rankings. Boise fell to sixth in both polls, losing 17 points in the AP and 11 in the coaches' poll. Come Week 6, Boise climbed back to No. 5 in the AP, but fell to six in the coaches' poll, passed by another one-loss team, USC.
In the Harris Poll, the one used in the BCS formula alongside the Coaches' Poll, Boise has also been passed by Virginia Tech. Standing at No. 5 in the country, USC is nipping at the Broncos' heels and will pass them with a win over Oregon. The glass ceiling precedent has been set, and if Ohio State keeps winning soon they'll pass the Broncos as well. Meanwhile, the undefeated teams above them, Florida, Alabama, and Texas would all likely pass Boise if they only lost one game. That's a big if. After all, they might not even fall below Boise to begin with.
Why?
Because our collective biases tell us that Boise can't play with the big boys. Even if, oh by the way, Oregon has not lost since the opening game of their season and Boise handled them with ease. My point, if you've ever wondered what a glass ceiling in college football would look like, Boise is your example, the highest ranked non-Big Six school to flirt with title game prominence. And it's the collective "wisdom" of the 173 human voters in those two polls that demonstrates how subjective our own biases can truly be.
The rationale is exactly the same, Boise can't be as good as the big teams because they don't look like the big teams. Isn't that the very foundation of an anti-egalitarian, un-American worldview? At least the one espoused in the 21st century.
Not when it comes to the pollsters.
Otherwise how can you justify a one-loss team passing an undefeated team? What's more how can you justify multiple one-loss teams passing Boise as the coaches' have done? It's the polls own form of hazing, a way to demonstrate who belongs in the fraternity and who doesn't.
Saturday, Florida scored the fewest points since Urban Meyer's first year and still won by 10. And I still think the story that came out of the game was Tim Tebow's return to football life after 14 days in an Israeli cave. That's all well and good, but let's take a moment to examine the more interesting proposition, the Gators have given up just 32 total points in five games.
How is no one talking about this? The 2009 Gators have the potential to be one of the greatest defenses in the BCS era.
Let me throw some more stats at you. Florida is the No. 1 team in total defense, having allowed just two touchdowns all season, they are allowing the fewest yards per play in the country, 3.42, and the fewest yards per game, 202.6. They have the top pass defense in the country and the No. 11 rush defense. Oh, and they are giving up just 6.6 points per game, also tops in the country. While we've all been obsessing about Tebow and the Gators offense, Florida has quietly put together the most impressive defensive performance in the country.
But Florida's defense can't protect Tebow. Only Urban Meyer can do that. And no amount of sideline nuzzling can hide the fact that Tebow was running a quarterback sneak with two minutes left against LSU.
Why?
That's indefensible. The quarterback sneaking, not the nuzzling, I'm actually fine with that. A bit uncomfortable, but fine with it.
To his credit Gary Danielson, who I think is the best in the booth in college football, called Meyer on the stupidity of that play call. Anyway, on to the ClayNation Starting 11.
1. Having said all of that about Florida's defense, I think Alabama should be ranked the No. 1 team in the country.
Their performance has been the best in the country if you go entirely by the results on the field. Also, their ability to run the football is really shaping up as an issue for Florida in the SEC championship game.
Also, if you're Virginia Tech, that Alabama loss stands as exhibit A for why you don't play a challenging out of conference schedule if you're in the ACC. No matter what happens for the rest of the season, Alabama has to lose twice for Virginia Tech to jump them in the rankings. If they never played, Tech gets penciled in for the game against the winner of Florida-Alabama in the SEC Title Game. Now? Alabama could lose to Florida and, depending on outcomes, still get to play Florida again a month later instead of Tech.
If you're Tech and you win that game, you still might have to play Alabama again if they beat Florida in the SEC Championship Game. My point is, they truly gained nothing by playing that game.
2. Are Tim Tebow and Riley Cooper roommates?
Verne Lundquist is continuing his obsession with sharing Tim Tebow's roommate situation 14 times per game. You'll recall the Tony Joiner obsession from a few years ago, Tebow's former roommate. In the wake of Tebow's touchdown pass to Cooper, Lundquist couldn't stop mentioning this throughout the broadcast. In fact, I'm not sure he's mentioned Cooper this entire season without adding that he's Tebow's roommate.
Question, does anyone care who a football player rooms with? Doesn't every football player likely room with another football player?
Taking it to a broader level, if you were watching a flag-football game and a quarterback completed a pass to a receiver and someone standing next to you said, "You know, those guys are roommates," would this be remotely interesting to you?
No, right?
Yet with all his access to the Florida Gator football team, this is the anecdote that Lundquist shares again and again? There's a 100 percent chance he'll mention it during the Florida-Arkansas game this weekend. Test me if you're so inclined.
I think we should debut a new announcing rule when it comes to anecdotes: If you wouldn't be interested to hear it in a flag-football game, you shouldn't hear it on a national broadcast.
Now in Verne's defense, perhaps back in 1918 when Lundquist graduated from college in the midst of World War I, whom you were rooming with impacted your draft status. Or maybe he's thinking about the yellow fever epidemic of 1878, the one that took the life of John Bell Hood in Lundquist's youth, and mapping out the likely spread of disease from his bunker in Steamboat Springs.
3. Jevan Snead is the biggest disappointment in the country.
Through five games at Ole Miss, Snead has nine touchdowns and nine interceptions. Last season, he had only 13 picks all season. Even worse, he's completing just 47 percent of his passes on the season. Still worse? Against the only two teams with winning records that he's played against, South Carolina and Alabama, he's 18 for 55 (32.9 percent) with one touchdown and four interceptions.
Ole Miss fans don't even know what to think right now. Their greatest season in 40 years loomed, and already it has been dashed to pieces. Archie Manning looked crushed in the CBS studio. Also, is it just me, or does Archie Manning always look like he just got called onto television from the Gone With the Wind set? He looks like what Scarlett's first husband would have looked like if he'd grown older and not died of disease before the war started.
By the way, did anyone else happen to listen to Gary Barnett call this game on the radio while driving back from another game? He uses the word, "Wow," like you and I use the word "the." This was the least wow-like game of the weekend and Barnett reacted like he was still on the sideline for Northwestern-Notre Dame. Which, I'm sure, he still wishes he was.
4. Best pick-up line of the week: "I just got back from an expert deposition."
One of my lawyer friends who will remain nameless swears this is the greatest lawyer bar line in history. Even better than, "I love the law."
His reasoning, it sounds impressive even if college girls don't know what it means. Actual quote, "They may not know what a deposition is, but they know they want to be with the guy who is doing the deposition."
5. Two fun Florida State facts, 1.) The Seminoles have lost more ACC games this season, at 0-3, than they did from 1992 to 2000 when they were 71-2. B.) Chris Hope of the Titans introduced himself as from "Florida State in the 90s."
Broader question, why do people think things will be better when Bowden isn't on the sideline? Is he really making decisions now? Anyone who saw Bowden's play suggestion ignored late in the Miami game knows that he's completely a ceremonial leader already. So I'd be nervous about the Jimbo Fisher era if I was a Florida State fan.
In fact, I'm telling you, Florida State should say to hell with the coach-in-waiting deal and go after Mark Richt and Jon Gruden with everything they've got.
6. Is it time to acknowledge that HD games are stealing fans from college stadiums?
I want to do an entire expose on this, but remember when NFL teams were terrified that television was going to kill the gate for their league? And then this turned out to be relatively unfounded but they still introduced the draconian blackout policies when it came to televised games? Well, I think the accessibility of HD television and huge televisions to the average fan is finally making this fear a reality. At least combined with the huge seating capacity in college football and the horrible economy.
I need to do more research but here are a few points to buttress that argument:
A.) Tennessee has only had one home sell-out in five games this season, Saturday against Georgia.
B.) South Carolina, standing at 4-1, drew just 68,278 for their game against Kentucky. That's the smallest crowd for a Gamecocks home game since 1998.
C.) Georgia didn't sell out last week's game against No. 4 LSU.
7. Reasons why I don't live in the North take four billion: it snowed a foot in Wyoming on Saturday.
A foot. On Oct. 9. WTF?
Two years ago I predicted that winter wasn't coming. This year, I wore shorts to an Oct. 10 football game and froze to death. If I'd been living in Wyoming Oct. 9, and it snowed a foot, as soon as the roads cleared, I would have been in my car headed South.
8. Iowa is the only undefeated Big Ten team left after their 30-28 victory over Michigan.
The Hawkeyes have beaten Northern Iowa by one and Arkansas State by three. Even at 6-0, they're losing three of their final six. Prediction, by Oct. 26, they won't be ranked.
By the way, how awful was that interception on the final Michigan pass attempt? If your friend threw that interception in an intramural game, you wouldn't buy him a beer later that night.
9. WIth Oregon-USC upcoming on Halloween, if the Ducks win, how many conversations will occur at bars discussing the opening-game loss to Boise State?
Analogy for you, Boise State is the guy in your freshman dorm who hooked up with the hottest chick who just broke up with her high school boyfriend the first weekend of college. Everyone was stunned he pulled it off, even the girl was. But for the rest of the semester he pulled other girls based solely on that takedown. Meanwhile the girl he hooked up went on to pledge a really "cool" sorority and never spoke to this guy again.
If I could tie the LaGarrette Blount punch into the equation, this would be an epic analogy. Maybe the high school boyfriend that she just broke up with showed up outside the guy's dorm room window with a guitar and played a winsome tune? The whole dorm rushed to the window and looked outside. Further cementing the hook-up in dorm lore.
No one ever talks about how much the BCS is like the collegiate hook-up world, you're judged almost exclusively by the quality of your hook-ups. And if you're a non BCS team and you do a good enough job early on, you've cemented your place at the upper ranks even if you don't play anyone else for the rest of the season.
Anyway, back to answer my original question, if Boise wins out, even if Oregon wins out, the Ducks can't play for the BCS Title.
Lane Kiffin's Signature Win, Crompton's, hold your breath, Dominance
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Read the full column here. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. -- Most SEC coaches who have achieved a measure of dominance in their coaching careers have had a signature victory over one of their rivals in their first season as head coach.
In his first season at Alabama, for example, Nick Saban beat Tennessee 41-17. That followed up Saban's dismantling of Alabama, Tennessee, and Ole Miss in his first season at LSU, when he took the Bayou Bengals from 3-8 to 8-4. Urban Meyer beat all three of Florida's fiercest rivals, Florida State, Georgia, and Tennessee, in his first year in Gainesville. Georgia's Mark Richt beat Tennessee in Knoxville, the famous hobnailed boot game that convinced Bulldog fans that better days were at last ahead. And there was Les Miles at LSU, beating Auburn, Alabama, and Ole Miss in his first season.
On Saturday Lane Kiffin and Tennessee gave Georgia a 45-19 woodshed beating that wasn't as close as the final score indicated. Time will tell whether Kiffin will ever hoist SEC Championship hardware like the other coaches listed above, but for the time being Kiffin got his own signature victory in front of a delirious Vol crowd that wants desperately to believe there are many more victories to come.
Kiffin's victory came in no small part because Jonathan Crompton played the game of his career, leading me to wonder whether I ought to call for Crompton's benching every week. For one week, at least, crow has never tasted better. Coming into Saturday's game, the best performance of Crompton's SEC career came in the final game of the disastrous 2008 season. In that awful, rainy game against Kentucky, Crompton went 6-of-8 for 101 yards. That was the only SEC start he'd ever completed a pass in and won. (In one of the truly odd stats of football, Crompton won the game against Vanderbilt last year despite attempting only one pass, an interception.) Against Georgia Crompton finished 20-of-27 for 310 yards, four touchdowns, and an average of 11.48 yards per completion.
The conclusion? If Crompton could play against a Willie Martinez defense every week, he'd win the Heisman Trophy.
Here are 12 observations from Saturday's game.
1. Mark Richt is Phil Fulmer in 2005
Only Richt has never won a national championship. He has the two SEC titles, the extremely successful start to his career, but he has also has the albatross of losing to a rival that hangs around his neck and infuriates the fan base.
What's more, as I've been saying for over a year, Willie Martinez is Richt's Randy Sanders.
In 2005, Fulmer was forced to replace Randy Sanders at offensive coordinator. He rebounded for two solid years, but eventually slipped when he hired Dave Clawson and suffered another losing season.
Eight years ago, in 2001, Mark Richt jogged onto the field at Neyland Stadium and beat a favored Tennessee team on a last-second touchdown. Georgia fans were ecstatic, convinced they'd found the man who would finally take them to the promised land. Every year since then, Richt has won more than eight games. This year, he's not going to win eight. And in that eight-year stretch, you can etch the coaching trajectory of a meteor coming to earth. Georgia fans are restless, their championship has not yet arrived and probably seems as far away today as it ever has been.
What's more, all four of their big rivals, Florida, Auburn, Georgia Tech, and Tennessee have hired new coaches since 2005, the last year Richt won an SEC title.
After this year, Richt is going to be forced to toss Martinez to the fans to keep his job. Either that or he's going to pursue a job somewhere else. I think Georgia and Richt are a couple headed for a divorce. I don't think anything's fundamentally wrong with either side, but I think it's becoming increasingly clear that they're both tired of one another.
And the end ain't going to be pretty.
2. Georgia's defensive coordinator Martinez is good for what ails your offense
I've been critical of Tennessee's coaching staff, but watching them go against Martinez and Georgia's defense was as big of a mismatch as tossing an SEC player Othello and having him read aloud.
Despite constant movement and changes of formations by Tennessee's offense, Georgia's defense never left its base formation. I didn't watch them constantly, but I don't remember seeing their defense make an audible adjustment all day. Clearly, that's because Martinez doesn't trust his guys to get into a better formation than the one he sends in from the sideline before he even sees the offense line up. Martinez is so gun shy he'd rather get beaten on every single snap than embarrassed on a couple.
How ominous is that if you're a Georgia fan?
Not as ominous as letting this year's Tennessee offense hang 45 on you. Tennessee took its foot off the pedal midway through the fourth or they might have scored more. Putting that into perspective, in 2008, Tennessee scored a total of 47 points against Florida, Auburn, Alabama, and South Carolina. So far this year, they'd scored 35 total points against Florida and Auburn.
The offense put up 45 on Georgia.
Case closed.
3. Georgia fans will be seeing the naked bootleg in its dreams
I understand that you might fall for the naked bootleg once or twice. But on consecutive plays? Constantly throughout the game? Is Tennessee's rushing attack really so dominant that you've got to bite on this every single time? Crompton didn't have just one open receiver on every play, he often had two or three. What were the defenders doing?
Give Tennessee credit for continually getting Crompton outside the pocket and limiting the field so he could make easier reads. But, man, how can Georgia not defend the same play on consecutive attempts? And how did they look so clueless even after halftime?
They made Crompton look like a cross between Jesus and Joe Montana.
I'm fairly certain he's actually neither.
4. Tennessee's point totals against Georgia in three of the past four years: 51, 35, and 45.
Their margins of victory in those years: 18, 21, and 26.
And this year was the worst beating of all, even worse than 2007 which up to this point had been the best beating Tennessee has put on a rival since Mike Shula was still patrolling the sideline for the Crimson Tide.
5. During halftime, the Georgia band spelled out Georgia. The Dawg fan sitting next to me said, "We all know how to spell Georgia. How about they spell defense instead?"
The mournful tone of his voice was the best part, I recognized it as the same tone Tennessee fans have been using to describe our offense for the past two years.
Until today.
6. With Tennessee's defensive talent, Monte Kiffin is going to dominate pro-style offenses
Lost amid the shuffle of the past several games was the fact that Tennessee played three consecutive spread offenses: Florida, Ohio, and Auburn. You got the sense watching this game that Monte Kiffin was rubbing his hands all week and grinning at his good fortune to draw an offense that he'd been going up against for decades in the NFL.
How dominant was Tennessee defensively? Georgia's only points came on a 52-yard field goal. Otherwise Georgia scored on a kick return, an interception return, and a blocked punt. In fact, Georgia didn't even get inside Tennessee's 30-yard line all game. I don't know that I've ever seen a game where that didn't happen before. Have you?
Lane Kiffin said after the game that Monte used a similar gameplan to neutralize A.J. Green that the Tampa Bay Bucs had successfully used against the Carolina Panthers' Steve Smith.
Is that even fair?
Meanwhile, not to be outdone, Willie Martinez said that his defensive gameplan was the same one that the Marietta Middle School Rebels trotted out to stop the highly talented Jamie Smith of the Duluth Panthers.
7. Did anyone else notice when A.J. Green lined up in the slot and Eric Berry lined up across from him?
I elbowed my friend and said, "That's $40 million in guaranteed money within that tiny circle."
If you're an NFL fan you want both of these guys on your team.
Now.
At least Georgia fans know that Green can't leave after this year. He's a true stud. But how unfair is it that he has to stay in college when he'd be a top 10 pick if he left? Anyway, credit to Georgia on offense and to A.J. Green for being capable of playing every wide receiver position on the field. Georgia lined him up in every wideout position during the game. The Bulldogs didn't have great success with him, but they kept Tennessee from using the same defensive formation to neutralize him throughout.
8. For at least one game, Crompton was special
Give credit where credit is due, this is the kind of game that Tennessee fans have been expecting of Crompton for five years -- ever since he signed as one of the most heralded quarterback recruits in the nation.
Most impressive plays of the entire game? Crompton's return to the field after he threw an interception that sliced Tennessee's lead to 24-19. In past games one bad play led to several. I'd be lying if I said I didn't cringe when Crompton dropped back for his next pass. But Crompton completed his next four on the following drive, including two third down conversions.
Tennessee scored on a 39-yard run from Montario Hardesty, but Crompton bounced back from the interception and put them in position to score the final 21 points of the game after Georgia cut the lead to 24-19.
My only quibble with the quarterbacking today? I thought Kiffin should have brought Crompton in for one of the final series, allowed him to hand off, and then brought him out of the game so he could receive a justified round of applause. Read the rest of the column here.
I'm about to hit the road for Knoxville. There's a mailbag waiting at FanHouse to go up that will post here at some point during the day Friday. I'm waiting for the French exchange student to get her picks to me. Otherwise, it's finished.
In other news, I'm signing at the University of Tennessee bookstore from 4-6 this afternoon. Swing by. This is my 7th signing in Knoxville since the book was released so I have no idea who will be there.
Also, if you're at the game on Saturday, I'm signing books and donating all the proceeds to charity. The Team Chad tailgate fights leukemia. Here's their site. We'll be in lot S9 just off Peyton Manning pass--where the team passes on the Vol Walk-- in the shadows of Neyland Stadium.
I'll be there from 10-11:30 to sign books. Hope to see y'all there.
You told me to call you Al when you drafted me back in 2007. You said I could call you Al because you used to be a black panther. I think you said, "I feel you, baby." Then you felt my shoulder. Now I'm offering you a shoulder to lean your head on. I want you to sleep well at night, Al. I want you to do away with all your worries and climb aboard a train to Super Bowl Village. I want you to name me head coach of the Oakland Raiders. I'm ready, I'm prepared. I'm agog at the potential of the Oakland Raiders.
I can be your Pete Rose. Only without the gambling or the baseballs or the baseball bats. Really though, baseballs are just like footballs, only smaller and whiter. Also, not ovals. I'm a lot like Pete Rose too, only fatter, blacker and not prone to hustle. To be honest, I don't even like to run at all. I prefer to stand still and watch men break on me. I'm like Hemingway's Frederic Henry if Hemingway was not capable of subject-verb agreement. Quarterback-coach, it has a nice ring to it, right?
I've decided to itemize the reasons I should be coach. By the end of this letter you'll see that our philosophies, our offensive goals, my proven track record of success, the fact that you are already paying me a lot of money, myriads of reasons militate my hire.
Philosophies
Al, you like to say, "Just win, baby." My personal motto is very similar, "Just pay me, baby." See, the first and last words are already the same. The middle words are not important.
It's clear that you want to score points and I want to score points. Also, it may seem misguided now, but I want to congratulate you on snagging Darrius Heyward-Bey so early in the draft. When I first heard we took Darrius Heyward-Bey, my first thought was, "How did we draft two people with one pick?"
And I think that kind of demonstrates the difficulty with this new coordinator. See, we need to pick one name for him. Sometimes I think he's two people. And I'll go through my route progressions, look to first receiver--throw it really hard in his general direction no matter what--and I don't see two people out there running, Al. I just don't. And I know I should be able to say, "JaMarcus, snap out of it, Darrius Heyward-Bey is just one person." But then the game happens and I just get bedazzled.
So I'd suggest simplifying things. We let him pick Heyward or Bey. I think you'll agree. Then we throw it long to him on 16 consecutive pass plays.
Three words,
Stretch
The
Field
Partnership
You are almost dead and I am fat. That means we can take advantage of the dead fat bounce. Everyone knows all about this. It's when a dead person falls down and bounces back up very high. That high can be our Super Bowl. After all, victory is all about perspective. 0-16 becomes 16-0 if you stand in front of my beautician's mirror after you get your eyebrows waxed.
You'll also recall that teams typically have their best season after I leave. This means I am indivisible.
For instance, Matt Flynn won the national championship at LSU in 2007. I would have been a senior that season. but instead you signed me to a contract guaranteeing me 31,800,000,000,000 dollars. (Sometimes zeroes confuse me so I suggest drafting plays with X's and I's.) I went to the championship game and wore an awesome sweater of many colors that was inspired by my love of the Biblical prophet Joseph. I've liked Joseph ever since my brothers and sisters threw me in a well and claimed that I was dead.
Anyway, Matt Flynn at LSU is nowhere near as good as I am. He has a puny arm, wants to be a dentist, and is hung like a miniature sea horse. Whereas I have a howitzer for an arm, am currently pursuing my master's in physical education, and have a penis the size of a sea dinosaur.
I think you know what I'm talking about, yep, like a Pilosaur.
If I had to select a movie that would symbolize our relationship, I would suggest Weekend at Bernie's. I will be like the two white guys and I will make you my Bernie so that even if you die, I will carry you to the Super Bowl with me. Even if you start to smell. I will buy those smelling salts and wear them as strips underneath my nose so I can't smell you. Remember A Rose For Emily? You will be my Emily, Al.
My one and only rose.
Offensive Goals
My offensive goals are to have sex with a lot of women that I don't know very well.
Clearly, being head coach would make that more likely. Also, I can design plays that lead to touchdowns. How? By giving play-calling duties to my personal trainer, offensive guru Akili Smith. Lots of people think that Akili didn't succeed in football because he was dumber than a quarter horse mixed with whatever comes after a quarter horse, a fourteen horse.
That's wrong, plain wrong.
Akili is really chomping at the bit to get back into the league. (Note, I use lots of horse metaphors even though I don't know what a metaphor is. It's one of my strengths, the horse power to my cognitive engine.) Now Akili is working at a bed and breakfast in New Hampshire. He's just what we need to take the offense into the 19th century.
My Proven Track Record
Jay-Z calls it bling, I call it stats. Flip down the shades, AD.
Do you know who is completing 39.6 percent of his passes in 2009?
This cat.
Let me paint you a picture, if Pete Rose got a hit in 39.6 percent of his at-bats, he'd be hitting almost .400, right? I'm already there. You got me, the hit king meets the black Elvis. Read the rest of the letter here.
In 2007, Les Miles won a national championship despite losing two regular season conference games to teams, Kentucky and Arkansas, that finished with a combined 7-9 record in the SEC. Later, Miles would memorably argue that those overtime losses weren't real losses because his team hadn't lost yet in regulation. As if that weren't enough, Miles's entire championship season was a high-wire act. LSU won seven SEC games, five of them by a touchdown or less. Along the way Miles burnished his reputation as the most confident coach in America.
And the luckiest.
In fact the old cliche, fortune favors the bold, has never had a finer example than Leslie Miles.
As LSU-Florida looms and the Tim Tebow health watch drives ESPN to fits of reportorial glee, one man remains unconcerned with Tebow's health. That's Les Miles. Why? Because Les, the man Forrest Gump would have grown up to become if he'd been born in Michigan instead of Alabama, isn't impacted by the maelstroms that swirl around him. The world of Les Miles is always uncomplicated. He and his damn fine football team are going to win no matter who they play and what the circumstances are.
Doubt me? As the latest big game looms, let's take a look at Les Miles's top 10 ridiculous and improbable wins at LSU.
10. LSU 35, Arizona State 31, 2005
In the debut of the Les Miles era, the Tigers trail 17-7 as the fourth quarter begins. Enter Miles' magic hat. First, LSU blocks two punts and returns both for touchdowns. Suddenly the Tigers lead 21-17.
In a wild fourth quarter, Arizona State storms back to take a 31-28 lead. Facing a 4th down from the ASU 39, Miles does what any coach would do, goes for the touchdown. JaMarcus Russell hums a 39 -yard strike to Early Doucet and the Tigers win 35-31.
9. LSU 26, Auburn 21, 2008
With 1:08 left on the clock Jarrett Lee hits Brandon LaFell for a 19-yard score. By the end of the 2008 season, this pass will seem even more remarkable.
Yep, Lee won a game with a touchdown pass. And that's not a touchdown for the defense returning his pass.
Honestly, the marriage of Les Miles to JaMarcus Russell and Ryan Perrilloux is among the greatest sports marriages of all time. At least when it comes to comedy. Supreme talent meets supreme confidence. It was like Beethoven with Donald Trump as a publicist. Well, at least in the case of Perrilloux what Beethoven would have been if he'd had riverboat gambling to contend with.
8. LSU 23, Ole Miss, 20 (OT) 2006
Down 20-6 with nine minutes to play in the fourth quarter, LSU stages a remarkable comeback against Ed Orgeron's 3-7 Ole Miss Rebels. It begins with this double spin completion from JaMarcus Russell.
With 14 seconds left JaMarcus Russell hits Dwayne Bowe on a five-yard touchdown pass. The game is now tied 20-20. Proving that nothing comes easy in the Les Miles era, Ole Miss blocks the extra point to send the game into overtime.
LSU kicks a field goal to win 23-20.
7. LSU 30, Mississippi State 26, 2009
Mississippi State faces a third down and less than a football length for the go-ahead score. Already State is coming off four turnovers. But all they need is a few inches for the win. On third down State's Tyson Lee attempts a pass. His receiver is wide open, but LSU's safety bats the ball down in a wild and frenzied blitz.
On 4th down, LSU stuffs Tyson Lee on the quarterback sneak. For an inexplicable reason, Lee allows his head to cross the goal line without extending the football.
Everyone who watches LSU games knows the reason is because Lee ran into the forcefield that is Les Miles's good fortune.
Also, if you go into any Otter's Chicken Tenders tomorrow and mention the show you get five free wings. That's three in Nashville and one in Murfreesboro.
I was traveling by the time this went up, so I didn't link it here. Enjoy.
My dance with Comcast continues. After much prompting from my wife, I called this morning to report that our phone wasn't working. After 45 minutes on my cell phone, there is still no dial-tone on the home phone. What's more, in an effort to get the phone to work, Comcast turned off my internet. So now I'm writing this mailbag from my car. Parked on a side street, using a wireless signal in my neighborhood.
Comcastic!
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is David Letterman. If only all of us who have made dumb decisions in our lives could acknowledge and sweep them away this easily. For those of you who don't know, a CBS employee attempted to extort David Letterman over his dalliances with former writers. Which led to the line that will be attached to Letterman long after he's gone. "Would it be embarrassing if it were made public? Perhaps it would," Letterman said. "Especially for the women."
On to All That and a Bag of Mail and my contest with France.
Many of you will recall that I'm currently enmeshed in a picks battle with my family's former French exchange student, Audrey. Last week, we both went 2-4, which means we remain tied at 8 correct, 9 wrong and 1 push.
This is starting to get in my head.
Here are my picks this week. Do the opposite, and you have a greater likelihood of success.
Washington @ Notre Dame -13
LSU @ Georgia -4
Honestly, this game could end up 42-3 LSU or 42-3 Georgia and neither would surprise me.
Auburn @ UT -2.5
How is it possible that this line has moved in favor of Tennessee when I don't know a single Tennessee fan who would be willing to bet on the Vols? Where is all this mysterious money pouring in from? Do Saudi Arabian oil sheiks have an in here?
Oklahoma -7 @ Miami
USC -4.5 @ Cal
Alabama -15 @ UK
And here are Audrey's picks with her rationales.
"Georgia on my mind Notre Dame for Esmeralda and Quasimodo UT for Norm (that's my dad) Miami Cal Kentucky Derby"
Enter the mailbag.
Bert N. writes:
You say in the starting 11 that it's a tragedy Auburn isn't ranked. The problem is that voters this year are overly reactionary with teams in the Midwest and out west ... did anyone really think Washington was the No. 24 team after upsetting USC? Does anyone really believe Iowa is the No. 13 team after beating Penn State?
Case in point: South Carolina upsets the No. 4 team in a hard-fought, tough game. Not ranked this week. Iowa upsets No. 5 team in a hard fought, tough game; No. 13 this week.
Is a road win really worth that much more? Lets not forget SC came one amazing play by a UGA 'backer from being undefeated right now.
How does Houston become so celebrated for beating one team that everyone kind of thought might not be ready for the big time? No. 12? It's hard to see.
I realize all the early upsets make the polls crazy and they will likely settle back to what they should be in a month, but i am so tired of the reactionary voting being done.
It makes no sense.
End Rant. Back to case briefs.
Bert,
You're completely correct. I've started drafting a column along these lines: why don't poll voters have to pass an accreditation test?
Think about this, you don't get a license to do other important jobs without proving that you're deserving of the responsibility, right? You can't be a lawyer, doctor, professor, Amsterdam sex worker, or anything like that without proving your credentials to an independent body. Yet, when you see some of these polls come out it's like they're being drafted by your Egyptian grandmother.
I want someone to ambush these guys with simple questions: Name a player on Houston other than Case Keenum. Who is the coach at TCU? True or false, if one team beats another team, they should be ranked higher? Think of it as a George W. Bush style ambushing from back in 2000 when he was quizzed on who the world leaders were.
We overlooked Bush's lack of knowledge back then because clearly being the leader of the free world is a much less important job than selecting who should play for the BCS/Antimatter championship. But I don't think we'd overlook these responses.
Dear Clay,
You're an idiot ... The answer to your blog re: Tim Tebow is NO!!!!!!.. He should not have been in the game. How can you write such drivel. Why do people pay you??
I didn't major in economics, but my general understanding of the capitalistic system is that we exchange labor for money or other valuable services. I believe this is why FanHouse pays me.
I've also got a new theory: The more exclamations or question marks you use the at the end of a sentence, the less intelligent you are. The only exception is if you're a teenage girl and your dad just texted that he got you Miley Cyrus tickets. Which one are you, Bill M.?
Also, why go six exclamations and then follow it up with the two periods? Does hitting the exclamation that many times erase the exclamation and then you just peter out to the periods? I'm baffled by this.
One of my favorite things is when people adopt definite opinions on questions that don't lend themselves to definite answers ... then become irate when people have the different opinion than them.
More interesting issue than Bill's question, don't you have to hold Tebow out of the LSU game if he has any lingering issues whatsoever? How far is Florida actually going to fall if they lose to LSU without Tebow? Maybe to number four? And do they even need Tebow to beat LSU?
Given three weeks from the hit, Tebow should be ready to roll for the rest of the season.
Les Miles is the most confident man in America. It doesn't matter what situation he faces, Miles believes he will triumph. What's more, he believes that everyone around him will win as well. Little Bighorn? Miles slays the Native Americans and rises to prominence on the Bull Moose ticket. Gettysburg? Miles takes Cemetery Ridge during Miles's Charge and the country remains divided forever (Or it would be one nation with Waffle Houses everywhere). Put Les Miles in charge of any losing proposition in the annals of history and he single-handedly swings the result the other way.
Meet the new college calculus: Les Miles + impossible eventuality = probable eventuality.
I'm going to write on this later this week, but until then, just keep our new equation in mind as we dive into the ClayNation Starting 11.
1. Seriously, is there a luckier man in America than LSU's Les Miles?
Even though we led off the opening with him, he needs to be our first prong of the ClayNation Starting 11.
Last week I said I keep waiting for him to call neither heads nor tails at the pregame coin toss and see the coin land on its side. This week I'm even more convinced this could happen.
Why?
His team scored on a 33-yard touchdown run with under 50 seconds to play. What's more, it was his second consecutive rushing play. It was second-and-five when they scored.
And it's not even like Charles Scott had been gouging Georgia all afternoon. At that point, Scott had 18 carries for 62 yards, an average of 3.4 yards per play. If the average carry happens on that play, the clock is running, and you're facing a third-and-two, still in the neighborhood of 47 yards. What's the third down play then? I can't even fathom the thought process.
Seriously, think about this, have you ever seen a trailing team score with under a minute to play on a running play from this distance?
I thought about this all day Sunday. I'm not sure it's ever happened before. Yet, when I saw it happen for LSU, I wasn't even surprised.
Meet Les Miles.
2. Michigan State beats Michigan for the second year in a row.
Congrats to State, but I'm confused, how will Sports Illustrated use this as evidence that sports are making unemployed Michiganders feel better?
Didn't one Michigan team just beat another one? Where's the happy storyline? I've got no job, my house is underwater and I can't sell it, but at least my team won.
Seriously, this is beyond overplayed.
3. The celebration penalty needs to be reexamined.
Last year we had Jake Locker, this year we had A.J. Green, the best player in college football who is getting no attention from the national media.
Look at the above video sent in by a reader. What does A.J. Green do that deserves the penalty? Yes, he drew attention to himself. By catching a would-be winning touchdown pass with a little over a minute to play. Which is kind of expected, right? After all, when you're playing in front of 90,000 people doesn't playing the game itself qualify as drawing attention to yourself?
Which brings to this, asking old referees to classify "drawing attention to yourself" is one of the dumbest phrases in the rulebook. It's not like A.J. Green hoisted Uga onto his shoulders and made out with a cheerleader while giving the throat slash gesture and simultaneously waving the Georgia flag.
There's too much discretion given to the referees with this rule. Especially when the refs exercise their discretion in this manner.
By the way, without A.J. Green, Georgia is 0-5.
4. Curb Your Enthusiasm is too much of a Sunday treat after college football and the NFL.
The last two episodes have been among the best back-to-back shows in series history. And that's truly saying something. I'm going to confess to being a bit disappointed that this show happens in the fall, though. And Sunday on top of it.
I just wish we could unspool television's limited resources more equitably. Like, say, in the month of June. There is nothing to watch on television for the entire month then.
And don't even get me started on Justin Bobby's new beard. That thing singlehandedly laid Kristin Cavallari.
5. How does Virginia Tech pass Boise State after beating Duke by eight?
Can I throw an early flag for team that the pollsters are rewarding more than any other? Boise State is undefeated. Virginia Tech gives up 359 yards passing to Duke and passes Boise. Right now Virginia Tech is overrated.
Why does this matter? Because it suggests that several pollsters have decided that Boise has hit the non-power conference glass ceiling. Last week they were No. 4, now they've been passed by their first team with a single loss. The precedent has been set in the poll that one-loss teams beneath Boise can jump over them. Does anyone really believe that if Florida loses to LSU, they'll fall beneath Boise? I don't think so. In fact, I think Florida would only fall to No. 4.
Virginia Tech's high ranking is also raising some intriguing poll issues, what if Alabama loses to Ole Miss this weekend in Oxford? Can you really justify Virginia Tech being ranked above Bama given the fact that the two teams just played five weeks ago?
I don't think so.
Thank the BCS for this mess.
6. Arkansas and Bobby Petrino pasted undefeated Texas A&M. Is Mike Sherman back on the hot seat?
I think so. Three early wins had taken him off for the time-being. But this new loss has him right back there. Especially with the upcoming schedule that A&M plays. Does 7-5 keep Sherman safe? Probably. 6-6? Who knows.
With Tommy Tuberville out there lurking, there may not be a safe win total. Yep, Tuberville has become Petrino. I'm halfway expecting for there to be midnight plane rides to meet him.
KNOXVILLE, Tenn. -- Saturday night at halftime, Lane Kiffin changed his clothes, ditching a black sweater in favor of a an orange pullover. Presumably the wardrobe change was a superstitious response to an awful offensive half, one that saw the Vols with nine yards total passing until the final two-minute drive. If only Kiffin were less stubborn about his signal-caller. News flash, Kiffin could coach on the sideline in a burka or a Japanese sumo outfit and the result on the field would be the same -- Jonathan Crompton is going to lose the game.
Early in the season Kiffin adopted the coaching cliche, "If you've got two quarterbacks, you've got none." I'd like to advance another version of that cliche: "If your one quarterback is Jonathan Crompton, then you still ain't got one either." Right now, Kiffin's refusal to make a change at quarterback is slowly bleeding his head-coaching legitimacy among the fan base. In his first season Kiffin has struck an iceberg, and he's going down on the S.S. Crompton. So is his team. It's time for a change.
Lane Kiffin has been brash, confident, and quotable. What he hasn't been is a winner. Anywhere. In 25 games as a head coach, Kiffin is now 7-18 (5-15 with the Raiders and 2-3 with the Vols). With Georgia, Alabama, and South Carolina in the next three games, it's altogether possible that Kiffin and the Vols are going to be sitting at 2-6 by the time November arrives. Another season of 5-7 or worse looms. And here's the kicker, next year Tennessee is going to be worse. In this day and age if your second season isn't a good one, you're not going to truly succeed as a coach. Pete Carroll, Nick Saban, Urban Meyer, Mark Richt -- every single one of those coaches had great second seasons. That's when their teams made a seismic jump.
Kiffin's situation is unique because his team, due to the graduating seniors on the offensive line and at tailback, and the presumed early departure of Eric Berry, is going to be worse next year. He needed to win this year, needed to beat inferior teams at home like UCLA and needed to beat teams of similar talent like Auburn. But he hasn't. And in the process Jonathan Crompton has become the albatross dragging down Kiffin version 1.0.
At this point in the season, standing at 2-3, what does Jonathan Crompton, a senior who has managed to win one SEC game in which he completed a pass in his career -- Kentucky last year -- actually give you if he plays great? The chance to finish 6-6? And then be gone from football forever?
Meanwhile, you have a redshirt junior in Nick Stephens standing on the sideline. Worst case scenario, Stephens comes in and only wins two games as your starting quarterback. But at least you give him a chance to prove that he can be your guy for a year in 2010.
My point is, I've finally come around to this argument: Stephens can't be worse. He just can't. And now it's time for a change.
Here are other observations:
1. Gene Chizik and Auburn, particularly Gus Malzahn, have blown Tennessee's highest paid coaching staff in the country out of the water this season in terms of performance.
That's all well and good, but does anyone really think Auburn has more talent than Tennessee? Last year's Tennessee-Auburn game ended 14-12 and set back offensive football five decades. Now compare the two teams this year. Which looks different, which looks improved?
That's almost entirely a product of coaching, right?
In fact, this game was almost a perfect laboratory for coaching analysis. Compare the products on the field last night. Kiffin, who was supposedly an offensive guru at USC, has not improved Tennessee's offense. Chizik, under the direction of Gus Malzahn, has completely remade Auburn. They're now 5-0, loving football, and have completely bought in to what the coaching staff is selling.
Meanwhile, Kiffin and Tennessee are regressing offensively and defensively.
You can argue talent differential in games against Florida and Georgia, maybe, but you can't argue talent differential in games like Auburn and UCLA. What you can argue is inferior preparation. Again, I'll say what I did after the UCLA game: if Fulmer is standing on the sideline and makes every play call that Kiffin did, fans are outraged.
That first half of football was unwatchable.
Kiffin bears the blame.
Taking it further, there were two primary rationales to replace Fulmer: a. the team needed to be coached better and b. the recruiting had suffered.
So far Kiffin's offense and defense look no different than Fulmer's did. So now the rationale for the coaching change boils down completely to recruiting.
Kiffin is recruiting well, but Tennessee has always recruited well. Fulmer had better players than every other team in the SEC during his tenure (using the NFL Draft as the barometer). What have we seen on the field thus far that offers clear evidence that Tennessee is being coached better?
2. Crompton's receivers didn't help him by making catches, but that's partially because they don't believe in him at quarterback.
Offense is about optimism, the psychology of upcoming success. You can't line up and have any doubts about your ability to make plays. Watch Tennessee's receivers. Do you really think they expect Crompton to put the ball where they can catch it and make a play?
Of course not.
They're so worried about trying to make a spectacular play for the offense, that they can't make a simple play.
Why?
Because they don't trust Crompton to make plays. Even if they're not saying it out loud, their body language tells the story. Watch how long the receivers take to get up after another failed pass attempt. The downcast head. They're beaten before the ball is snapped.
3. It's time to toss practice out the window when it comes to evaluating quarterbacks.
I said it earlier, but it bears repeating, Jonathan Crompton has won a single SEC game when he completes a pass -- Kentucky. (He also "beat" Vanderbilt as the starter last year, but his only pass, the first of the game, was intercepted.) In fact, Kentucky is the only team from a major conference that Crompton has beaten in his career.
My point, there's enough game experience film to evaluate at this point to make a decision on what the game play is going to be like. Using practice as a proxy for games doesn't make sense anymore. For whatever reason, if the coaching staff is to be believed, Crompton's talents don't translate to Saturday.
So be it.
Nick Stephens deserves his shot to see what he does in games. By all accounts, he tends to do better in games than practice. Give him a chance.
3. This team is divided already. Changing quarterbacks won't make it any worse.
For the first time in two years, the defense buckled in a game. It happened at the end of the first half as Auburn was in the process of running up 49 offensive snaps in the first half.
Forty-nine!
Tennessee had to take two timeouts to rest their defense.
Let me repeat that, Tennessee had to take two timeouts to rest the defense.
I can't imagine any more glaring indictment of the offensive performance than this. It's downright shameful how wasted the Tennessee defense is. And if you don't think those guys on defense are looking out at the offense, watching Crompton give up a field goal to the other team by dropping the ball on the center exchange, for example, you're fooling yourself.
This team is already divided along offense and defense lines. And it's only going to get worse as long as Crompton is in there. At least if a change is made, there's a tangible sign that the offense is willing to try anything to get better.
4. Why the lack of offensive ingenuity?
I want one person to explain to me why Nu'Keese Richardson carries the ball for 40 yards on the first play of the game and we never see him again.
Kiffin went to war for Richardson, brought on the wrath of an entire nation, turned Nu'Keese into a modern day Helen of Troy -- with an apostrophe -- and he can't even use him for more than one direct snap after the first one is hugely successful? That makes zero sense.
If your offense is awful, isn't it the coaching staff's responsibility to find ways to get players chances to make plays?
Putting this into context, the majorettes twirled flaming batons at halftime of the game. It was the most explosive offensive performance on the part of anyone from Tennessee.
Knoxville Book Signing Tonight: Borders 202 Morrell Road
Friday, October 2, 2009
I'll be there at 7 tonight.
The location is 202 Morrell Road
865-769-4084 is the phone number out there.
Swing by if you're so inclined.
Also, my war with Comcast continues. I finally called about my phone not working. During the course of our conversation, I reset my modem. Now my internet doesn't work.
Awesome.
Seriously, if Comcast were a person, I would choke them out.
Be that a defensive end coming unblocked to hit Tim Tebow, a linebacker driving Sam Bradford into the turf, Colt McCoy playing no one of value for the month, orJahvid Best getting shut down on the road; these are the times that try a hypemaster's soul. And the Heisman, as we all realize, is nothing if not the crafty creation of diabolical minds bent on building up their own television ratings in the guise of determining who is college football's greatest player.
But with the demise of the major candidates has come a startling rise in the ranks of the unknown. Could it be that Houston, Boise State, or, wipe away the look of amazement on your face, Cincinnati represent the new founts of quarterback greatness? Yep, at least if the ClayNation analysis of surging Heisman candidacies holds any credence whatsoever. Which it does.
Read on for the top eight Hypesman candidacies and why they're surging or plummeting.
8. Eric Berry, S Tennessee
I know, I know, he's done nothing since the Florida game when CBS named him Tennessee's player of the game and briefly brought him back to the forefront.
The only reason he's alive at all is this -- he's the only defensive player with enough name recognition to get an invitation to New York. On Saturday he plays against Auburn on ESPN prime time. Berry is still 15 yards away from becoming the all-time leading interception returner in the history of college football. What if he had two picks, one for a touchdown, and broke the record? ESPN would play this highlight four billion times.
Conservatively.
Fresh off this story, the next week, Berry and the Vols take on Georgia, followed by at Alabama, South Carolina, a virtual bye against Memphis, and then at Ole Miss. Four of those games will be nationally televised on CBS or ESPN. If the Vols are struggling, which they will be, who is the only player on the team that might make you tune in to watch?
Yep, Berry.
CBS and ESPN need Berry to make plays to keep viewer interest in these games. They still need the story of a Heisman upstart and if he makes the plays, you won't be able to avoid him. Why?
Because Berry is one of the few players left who has enough national pull to help catalyze that attention.
7. Jahvid Best, RB Cal
You're here because you're the only running back that anyone has ever heard of. Last week you would have been No. 1. This week, you're hanging on for your Hypesman life.
After your team laid an egg at Oregon, you need to blow up against USC. Do something that makes us all question how we could select anyone but you. Oh, and your team has to win as well. Lose two in a row, and no matter how gaudy your stats are, you're done.
If you win, pull a Marshawn Lynch and take the medical cart for a joyride. Something, anything, to make us push you back towards the top of the list.
6. Colt McCoy, QB Texas
With just nine touchdowns against five picks, no top 25 wins, zero Heisman standout plays, the only reason McCoy is still ranked this highly is because he hasn't won the award before and because Texas is poised to snag the national spotlight as their game against Oklahoma moves closer.
Until then, McCoy's in the Hypesman shadows for the next 16 days.
5. Tim Tebow, QB Florida
Everyone has heard of voter fatigue -- when a politician becomes tiresome due to their perceived ubiquity -- now we've entered the days of Heisman fatigue. That was even before Tebow took the hardest shot in the bluegrass since Tubby Smith's recuiting had all of Wildcat nation tossing back Four Horsemen of the Apocalypses seven nights a week.
Strangely, even though the concussion cost him part of a game and could potentially cost him another, it might actually strengthen Tebow's candidacy since it allows a new story angle to be driven into the ground. Tebow's already promised that no one will work harder and that resulted in a national championship. Now he can promise that no brain will work harder at repairing itself.
Meaning we've got a new Hypesman storyline: Can Tebow overcome the effects of his concussion and lead Florida to another championship? I can already see the gauzy interviews where Tebow talks about coming to grips with his own football mortality.
4. Tony Pike, QB Cincinnati
Raise your hand if you'd recognize Tony Pike in an uncrowded bar.
You're a liar if you're from anywhere outside Ohio. Actually, you're probably a liar if you're from Dayton too.
Despite his anonymity, Pike is surging up the Hypesman charts. He's got 11 touchdowns, only two interceptions, and has thrown for over 1,100 yards. What's more, his team just cracked the top 10 and will be favored from here on out to win every game.
He plays at Miami of Ohio this weekend. Win that game and his Hypesman status will go through the roof in preparation for the Thursday night ESPN game at South Florida. That game will be make or break for his candidacy. Win and he's got a shot to be in New York come December, lose and you'll never hear about him again.
3. A.J. Green, WR Georgia
Earlier this week, I said that Green was the only wide receiver in the country whose play was worth three individual games. Now, let me rephrase, is there any player in the country at any position who is worth three victories by himself?
Seriously, think about this.
Minus A.J. Green, Georgia might well have lost to South Carolina, Arkansas, and Arizona State. They could be 0-4. Plus, he's making Heisman worthy plays, a blocked kick to preserve a win? Are you kidding me? That thing should be getting replay time over and over again. Especially since it was followed up by a 36 yard reception to set up the eventual winning field goal.
Yep, the stirrings of an A.J. Green candidacy are just beginning. When he blows up for 150+ yards against LSU this weekend, his name will be on the tip of every talking head's tongue. Consider this the launch party. Complete the reading here.
Travis has become enamored of several objects, phrases or events which he frequenly references in the column. Among the most frequent:
'Bama Bangs - a term coined by Travis to refer to southern men's hairstyles that feature prominent bangs for no apparent reason. Brodie Croyle and John Parker Wilson are oft-cited violators of 'Bama Bangs rules.
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When Clay Travis, acclaimed author of Dixieland Delight, decided to spend the 2008 season up close and personal with UT football, he—and every other college football aficionado—thought he was in for a rollicking ride with one of the leading contenders for the national title. After all, when the Vols kicked off the season on September 1, the defending SEC East champions were ranked 18th in the country. As head coach Phillip Fulmer prepared for the game, he reflected upon a coaching career that included an astounding 147 victories, two SEC championships, and a national title. With 34 years at UT under his belt as both a player and coach, the Tennessee native had just signed a contract extension that projected to keep him at the university long enough to become the winningest coach in program history.
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There is no college ball more passionate and competitive than football in the Southeastern Conference, where seven of the twelve schools boast stadiums bigger than any in the NFL and 6.5 million fans hit the road every year to hoot and holler their teams to victory.
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The newly favored man is not really a man at all, but a hairless, effeminate, germ-fearing, non-meat-eating, exfoliating, wristband-wearing woman of the worst order. We as men are told that we must embrace the sacred feminine in ourselves, even if it doesn't actually exist, and become the very quintessence of woman, plus penises. This situation is untenable. This trend must stop.
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Clay Travis is the only former student manager in the history of college athletics to marry an NFL cheerleader. He managed to pull this off despite an irrational affinity for the television shows Dawson's Creek and My Super Sweet 16. While being raised in Nashville, Tenn., Travis developed a healthy obsession with college sports and Alyssa Milano. As a teenager his greatest accomplishment was taking a doo-rag wearing Luke Duke (balling as Tom Wopat) to the hole at the Nashville YMCA.
In the midst of a stellar legal career during which he specialized in rewarding the unjust and punishing the oppressed, Travis began writing for CBS Sports's SPiN section in September 2005...
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