Several months ago, I said one of the big questions of the 2009 SEC season was which of the new high-priced coordinators would make the biggest splash in the conference: John Chavis at LSU, Monte Kiffin at Tennessee or Gus Malzahn at Auburn.
Four weeks into the season, I think we can call this contest: It's Malzahn by a landslide.
While Kiffin has kept Tennessee in the top 10 on defense -- truthfully he didn't really have anywhere to take them -- Chavis has been serviceable at best for LSU. Arriving at Auburn, a team that averaged just 17.3 points per game in 2008, Malzahn revolutionized an offense that is now ranked No. 3 in the nation. So far this season, Auburn is averaging seven yards per play and 525 yards per game (nearly 200 more per game than last year, albeit not yet with the gauntlet of SEC defenses), and has scored 23 touchdowns.
As if that weren't enough the team is now averaging 45.25 points a game. By the fifth game this season, at Tennessee, Malzahn and Auburn stand a decent chance of putting up more points in 2009 than they did in the entire 2008 season.
With statistics like these, I think there's only one solution: Name Gus Malzhan the coach in waiting.
At least that was the suggestion of a recent reader, make him the coach-in-waiting behind first-year coach Gene Chizik. Given that Chizik is both a first-year coach and only 47, I think he was joking. But with Malzahn's success and Auburn's love affair with the coach, you can't ever be sure. Yep, Malzahn, a 43 year old who didn't even begin coaching in college until 2006, has taken the SEC by storm. Already, Auburn coeds swoon when he passes on the Tiger Walk, grown men's hearts go pitter-pat, and Chizik sits around doodling until he turns his career record as a head coach, 5-19, into 17-19, a perfect 12-0 start to the season.
And why not, he's a third of the way there already and the way Auburn is scoring points, it looks like they can't lose.
In fact, looking at Auburn's schedule, this game on the road at Tennessee looms large.
Win and there's a much better-than-average chance that Auburn is 7-0 headed to LSU. Even if the Tigers lose that game, they return home for three of their final four games. Basically, beat Tennessee this weekend and Auburn locks up a Jan. 1 bowl game or better. They'll win at least nine games.
Meanwhile, for Tennessee, this game is even more important. With Auburn, followed by Georgia, at Alabama, and returning home against South Carolina, there's some possibility the Vols could lose all four, fall to 2-6 and bury Lane Kiffin in his first season. Beat Auburn and things can turn in a hurry for the Vols. Suddenly 5-3 looks very possible through the first eight games. The final four games of the season offer three traditional victories. Win those three and Tennessee would be 8-4.
This is a swing game of epic proportions.
Now the question becomes, how will Gus Malzahn's offense match up against Monte Kiffin's defense? Auburn fans already think they know the answer: Malzahn will win. That's how convinced they are by his rapid turnaround of their offensive failures. The same fans who used to sit on the sideline and chew on the ends of their orange and blue pompom fronds while Tommy Tuberville's defense tried to choke out an opponent via yet another 17-14 victory, are now convinced their offensive coordinator could hang 45 on Pittsburgh's Steel Curtain.
But with all this early success comes trepidation, already there's fear that Malzahn will bolt for a better opportunity, pull a Will Muschamp and leave the Tigers holding onto their hearts while the love of their assistant coaching lives rides off into the sunset, leaving behind the loveliest village on the Plains. After all, the course of true love never runs straight, and Auburn fans are willing to do anything to keep Malzahn.
In fact, here are 10 signs that Auburn fans don't won't to lose Gus Malzahn:
1. Student petition to rename Aubie the Tiger, Gus the Tiger is rapidly nearing.
After all, even Auburn fans think Aubie is an awful name.
2. Malzahn's wife is named Kristi and his two daughters are named Kylie and Kenzie. How do we know this? They've all been elevated to the Auburn Board of Trustees.
3. While they can't offer him the head-coaching position in football (yet), given his fast-break football offense, they have offered him the reins to the Auburn basketball program.
Jeff Lebo won't find out until after the first of the year. Consider this our secret.
4. Auburn athletic director Jay Jacobs is currently drafting a lifetime tenure contract that will pay Malzahn $4 billion no matter what he does for a living at Auburn.
5. Fans no longer cover their faces when Chris Todd drops back to pass.
Remember early in the season when I wrote that no one had a clue who the third or fourth best quarterback in the league would be? Now it looks like we didn't know the second best either. Because right now, Todd has been the second-best quarterback in the SEC this season. And if you ever doubted Malzahn's value, the elevation of Chris Todd should erase all doubts.
Last season, Todd passed for 903 yards, five touchdowns, six interceptions, and was sacked 12 times.
This season? Todd has already thrown for 1,012 yards, 11 touchdowns, just one interception, and has only been sacked once.
Now, Todd also had surgery on his shoulder and returned with a stronger arm, but most of the credit for his performance has to go to Malzahn.
6. Bumper stickers are already being printed: "Honk if you scored a touchdown on Alabama." Here goes with the rest.
On Saturday, I got Comcasted. Chances are, if you pay Comcast for anything -- I pay them almost $3,000 a year for cable, two DVRs, internet and home phone -- you've been Comcasted too. You know the feeling, something isn't working and it's impossible to get them to take care of it. In past years, my wife and I would literally fight over who had to call Comcast to rectify an error.
But this time it was personal, this time their incompetence cost me watching my team play on pay-per-view.
On Friday evening, I ordered the Tennessee's game against Ohio. The game was supposed to cost $24.95 since I was ordering it a day in advance. It cost $29.95, according to the ordering screen. So be it. no big deal. If Comcast only screws me out of $5, I consider it a blessing. I watched college football games all day, the prelude to one of the 12 chances I'll have all season to watch my team play.
Then, came kickoff of Tennessee and Ohio, nothing
There was nothing.
To say I was furious does the word injustice.
Every sports fan knows the feeling. Especially those with Comcast. You're sitting in front of the television, hitting refresh over and over with the remote and getting nothing in return. Your blood pressure rises, you realize that the kickoff has come and gone. You want to break something, anything. But then you calm yourself and turn into a television doctor, attempting to diagnose the problem.
Initially, of course, you expect that maybe you're making an error. If only.
Because that would be easy to rectify. I went downstairs, turned off my son's Sprout Television Network -- he was watching Zobamafoo, one of the most terrifyingly uncomfortable creations in the history of children's television. He squealed when Dad changed the channel.
Nope, no game there either. The game wasn't anywhere to be found in the Travis household. I sighed, turned on Gamecast, picked up my cell phone and dialed the local Comcast number.
A busy signal.
I called three more times while walking back upstairs. The busy signals continued. Then my cell phone went dead because I forgot to charge it.
On online message boards, University of Tennessee fans came undone, the entire city of Nashville proceeded to rend their garments when Jonathan Crompton threw an interception and we had to follow it on the radio.
What follows is the typical ClayNation Starting 11 with a bonus screed against Comcast mixed in. It's a tragic opera, Madame Butterfly meets Comcast and football.
1. Julio Jones finally scored a touchdown for Alabama on a well-designed trick play in the second quarter against Arkansas. This ends 11 consecutive games without a touchdown for Jones.
Having watched all of Alabama-Arkansas, I'll tell you this: Alabama is the best team in the nation one-third of the way through the football season.
At my wit's end, I sat down on my couch and picked up my Comcast digital phone service to call them. No dial tone.
Yep, my home phone doesn't work either.
2. With Penn State's loss to Iowa, the Big Ten is eliminated from BCS Title contention. Book it. Yeah, yeah Iowa and Michigan haven't lost yet, but they will. And even if neither did, I'm sure they wouldn't get the nod over one-loss teams from the SEC or Big 12. Not to mention Boise State.
By the way, how tough were the Daryll Clark interceptions for Penn State fans to relive after last year's loss? Especially with the gauzy ESPN feature where Clark talked about spending the entire offseason thinking about those mistakes? Then he goes out and does it all over again. Only worse, three interceptions this year and only 12 completions out of 32 attempts. If you're a Penn State fan, what percentage of the blame do you place squarely at ESPN and ABC's feet simply for running this story and getting those quotes from him? 30? 40?
I then walked around to all three phone jacks and checked to make sure the phone was correctly plugged in. It was.
Meet Comcast irony: I can't call Comcast to tell them that the cable isn't working because the telephone I would call them from doesn't work either.
Comcastic!
3. Bobby Petrino required eight police officers to escort him to the locker room during halftime Saturday. Eight! On Twitter, I quipped this was because Arkansas was afraid Petrino might bolt otherwise.
Now, I think we need to start a ClayNation analysis of officers assigned to a coach. Here's the working hypothesis: The more officers, state troopers and the like assigned to your coach, the better job security he has.
Let's keep track of this and see if it holds up.
My inability to order the Tennessee game is the latest issue we've had with Comcast in the past month. Two weeks ago, our cable went out downstairs without warning. I called Comcast. One technician arrived, replaced my DVR, and pronounced the set fixed. Later, I checked the channels.
Yep, Comcast blocked the HD ones.
4. My friend Neville, a 31-year-old Indian man currently living in his parent's basement while he seeks employment, called me this week. "Have you ever considered the latent homosexuality of Southern male football fans?" he asked. "They shake pompons, wear short khaki shorts, and spend all their free time rooting for muscular black men to triumph over other muscular black men."
After the HD channels went out, I called Comcast back again and requested a new technician.
He arrived and fixed the stations.
But now the television remote doesn't work.
5. Gene Chizik has won as many college games after five games at Auburn as he won in 24 at Iowa If you ever doubted how much the job impacts the perception of the coach, this is perfect evidence that it does.
By the way, Auburn is 5-0, yet not ranked in the Top 25. How is this possible? Second question: How is Tennessee favored over Auburn this weekend?
I told my wife that the remote wasn't working, but that she had to call Comcast this time. She refused. We've both decided to change the stations by hand because we don't want to call Comcast again.
6. I had several friends who are Kentucky fans heading up for the Florida game. They lost 63-5 last year. On Saturday both of them swore that the Cats had a 20 percent chance of winning this year.
If you've ever questioned what fan base has the most irrationally optimistic fans in America, it's Kentucky. Here's a stat for you, in the Rich Brooks era they are 1-24 against teams in the SEC East not named Vanderbilt.
Last month the alarm company telephoned me to report that when they switched us to digital phone service, Comcast turned off our home alarm. Yep, our alarm hadn't been working for a month.
7. Georgia defensive coordinator Willie Martinez should rename each of his children, A.J. Green.
The Georgia-Arizona State game snuck up on a lot of people. It was on ESPN U, it didn't get a lot of hype, but it was an amazingly competitive game that Green singlehandedly won for the Bulldogs. First, he blocked a short field goal attempt Arizona State that would have given the Sun Devils the lead, and then caught a 36-yard pass on the final drive.
Put it this way, if Green doesn't play for the Bulldogs, they are 1-3 right now. Can you say that about any other receiver in the country, that he's responsible for three wins alone? I don't think so.
You know what you would get if Comcast ran college football? The BCS.
We all know Tim Tebow is a demi-god on the football field. His statistics are exceptional and his performance against some of the most fearsome and athletic defenses in college football has been nothing short of otherworldly. But a chink appeared in Tebow's armor Saturday night when Kentucky defensive end Taylor Wyndham came unblocked on a third down play late in the third quarter, sacked the former Heisman winner and drove his head into teammate Marcus Gilbert's knee.
At the time, Florida led comfortably 31-7. Tebow, playing sick, had already carried the ball 16 times for 123 yards.
Superman got whiplashed. And then he got sick on the sideline. Florida pronounced him "fine," but Tebow was taken to the hospital before the game ended and will stay there overnight. reportedly with a "bad concussion." Whether or not it was the illness combined with the hit, or just the hit, the question has to be asked: Should Tim Tebow still have been in the game?
Everyone felt sick when Tebow went down, or at least they should have. The Kentucky defense didn't exactly have a moment of silence immediately afterward; I thought Kentucky's players celebrated for way too long in the immediate aftermath of the hit. Tebow doesn't milk attention. Generally when he gets hit, no matter how hard, he immediately gets back up. That's the kind of player he is. When he went down and stayed down, Kentucky's defenders should have shown a little class and stopped celebrating. After all, they were still losing by 24 points, it's not like they'd just won the game.
Second, what the hell happened with ESPN2 suddenly going to commercial as Tebow lay on the ground immobile? And coming back with an advertisement? This was the potential story of the college football season so far and for about five minutes they completely bungled the coverage. Millions of people were sitting on the edge of their seats when they abruptly cut away. There was no explanation at all. It's rare that ESPN's coverage completely flunks in a crucial situation, but ESPN2 pulled it off.
Finally, the shot of Tebow being carted off the field puking into a bag was borderline too much. In fact, the whole puking angle was way overplayed during this game. Plenty of guys puke before big games, sick or otherwise, why do we need to see it for this game and no other? What's more, why do we need to hear Bob Davie commentating on the puking? I think we know what puking looks like.
But back to the question we began this column with, did Urban Meyer do Tim Tebow a disservice by leaving him in the game too long?
No matter what angle you consider it from, this wasn't an easy call.
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is whoever is responsible for the above video. Simply outstanding. The bride being knocked in the swimming pool by the best man is how every fall wedding should end.
In my continuing picks war with my family's former French exchange student Audrey, she bested me in week two and we are now tied overall in picking games. Last week, I went a robust 2-3-1 and she went 3-2-1 (we both pushed on Cal-Minnesota).
Total after two weeks:
Clay 6-5-1 Audrey 6-5-1
Yep, we're tied. Sigh.
Notwithstanding the fact that I'm now tied with a French girl who has never watched a game of college football in her life, the games we're picking this week are below. My picks are in bold, followed by Audrey's.
Miami -3 at Virginia Tech
Arkansas at Alabama -17.5
Cal -7 at Oregon
Florida -22 at Kentucky
Iowa at Penn State -10
Texas Tech at Houston (even)
While the spread is even, the over/under on Texas Tech/Houston is 73.5. This game is going to take five hours to play. I can't wait. And by the way, I have zero confidence in any of these picks.
Here are Audrey's picks along with her rationales.
Miami Vice
Alabama Sweet Home
Cal
Kentucky Derby
Penn State for Paula
Houston
On to the Mailbag:
Brandi K. writes:
Clay, I need a clarification on fan-in-law status. I was just smack talked on Facebook by a guy who claims "a rooting interest" because -- get this -- his uncle and two cousins went to Florida. I don't think random extended family college attendance allows for fan-in-law status.
Your inclination is correct, that's impermissible.
I've said this before, but it bears repeating, you can only have a rooting interest via family connection if the connection comes through your immediate family -- that's someone who shares either half or all of your genetic code -- and doesn't already root for someone else. So sisters and brothers suffice, as do your own children and your parents and your spouse--who is excluded from sharing your DNA unless you live in Arkansas, in which case the state constitution requires this.
An uncle and two cousins? That's shameful bandwagoning of the worst order. The only thing more shameful than the actual public posting on Facebook is the justification.
The biggest, best, and most intriguing game of the college football weekend is tonight -- Ole Miss at South Carolina. There are storylines aplenty, and we'll dive in to them all in a moment, but first, let's consider just how big of a game this is for Houston Nutt's Ole Miss, the stealthy No. 4 team in the country.
Let me repeat that, Ole Miss is now the No. 4 team in the country! You're shocked, right?
That's because the Rebels have only played twice, an opener on Sunday -- followed by the always frustrating second week bye -- and then last week against Southeast Louisiana. Chances are you didn't notice either game. So this game represents Ole Miss's debut on the national stage. Will it wilt or will it prove that Ole Miss can be known for something more than women in sundresses and the civil rights movement?
Meanwhile, on the other sideline, Steve Spurrier's Gamecocks have played three games, two of them incredibly difficult road games. They won against North Carolina State by four and lost against Georgia by four. Win this game, and at 3-1, the Gamecocks' season can still be a bright and shining success. Lose? Well, lose, and the Liberty Bowl looms. Memphis is lovely in early January. Or not. Yep, the stakes are high, my friends. And we wouldn't have it any other way.
South Carolina fans have been waiting for this game. Like their long-dead hero, the Swamp Fox Francis Marion, South Carolinians have been laying in wait in the misty swamps of the Palmetto State. They've ironed the blue flag with the palmetto tree, they've washed the white visors so they'll sparkle in the bright lights of Williams-Brice Stadium, been sending double-entendre laden e-mails about the Cocks all day, hauled the oysters to the back porch and left them there to be picked up in a mad dash to the fairground. Hell, many of them are already drinking in Five Points to prepare for this game, this exact moment in the season. The oysters all boil down to this.
Game-
Cocks.
Meanwhile, nervous Rebel fans are staring at the clock. Believe it or not, this is one of the two toughest road games they'll face all season -- the other is at Auburn -- and all season long they've been terrified of this Thursday night spectacle, the game when their team finally gets introduced to the nation. I've already written about the preseason trepidation, but now they're shutting down the Magnolia State, battening the proverbial hatches, opening the lower drawer of the desk and mixing the whiskey in early with the coke. This isn't a game to be enjoyed in the Grove, those will come later, this is a game to survive. A game to make the hatefest at home against Alabama in two weeks the most magical Saturday in Oxford since any day William Faulkner strolled into town.
Hotty
Toddy
We've been critical of them in the past, but thanks a ton to ESPN for Thursday night football. Even more importantly, thank God that decent games are set to be played on Thursday night. Now let's dive into some storylines worth paying attention to tonight.
1. If this is Steve Spurrier's final year, which I thought it was before the season began, this is his last chance for a truly seismic victory in his career?
OK, OK, he gets Florida in Columbia in November, but if you really think he's winning that game your visor is on too tight. This is it, the game when Spurrier can prove he's still got that magic. That at least for a night his 29-23 overall record at South Carolina, and 15-18 mark in conference, doesn't matter.
Is Steve Spurrier a legend slinking off the football stage, or can he, football's own prince of the forward pass, stage one last stirring victory in the age of spread formation-football?
At the end of the night, will Columbia party like it's 1999?
2. Is Ole Miss's Jevan Snead up to the hype?
Last year at this time Snead was most famous for being Colt McCoy's back-up. Now he's projected as a top-10 pick by many scouts. Against Memphis he played an awful first half, but since that time he's improved. Of course, the competition has worsened as well.
Tonight, Rebel fans get their first look at the quarterback they hope will lead them to their first SEC Championship game since divisional play began and their first SEC title since 1963. Or to put that in a historical context, their first title since the year John F. Kennedy was assassinated.
Yeah, it's been a long time.
3. Remember that South Carolina won at Oxford last year.
Many incorrectly believe that after last season's victory over Florida, Ole Miss did not lose again. Wrong. The next week the Gamecocks rolled into town, withstood an early 14-3 deficit, and went on to win 31-24. For Rebels fans this was the first sign that Ole Miss couldn't withstand the hype -- the Rebels had been featured on Sports Illustrated after their Swamp victory.
So don't buy into the fact that these teams are impressed by rankings at all. South Carolina knows they can play with the Rebels, they proved it last year.
Nothing says Halloween like the fake skeleton of an NFL quarterback murdered by his mistress. At least that's was the initial opinion of King's Island Amusement Park -- because, as part of their Halloween Haunt show, a skeleton depicting Steve McNair wearing a No. 9 jersey and holding a Titans helmet with the top blown off is on display, an apparent reference to the two bullet wounds McNair suffered on the night he died. As if that weren't enough, a skeleton depiction of Sahel Kazemi, McNair's 20-year old mistress who Nashville police have said murdered the football star in the early morning hours of July 4, 2009, lies across the McNair skeleton's lap, wearing a piece of slinky red lingerie.
Videos of the display emerged courtesy of a sneak peak given to WLVT in Cincinnati and immediately drew intense scrutiny.
In the display, the McNair figure sits on a couch, assuming the same position in which he was murdered, and the Kazemi figure rests on its lap. At the skeletons' feet, a gun lies on the ground. The couple are just two of the familiar faces included in the Haunt: A skeleton depicting Heath Ledger is shown surrounded by bottles of pills (Ledger overdosed in January 2008), and a skeleton is dressed like Michael Jackson in pajamas. But it's McNair's image alongside his mistress that has the city of Nashville horrified.
George Plaster, the host of Nashville's highest rated radio show at 104.5 the Zone, reacted with outrage. So did the callers on his show Wednesday evening. "I don't think the city is going to take it well at all," Plaster said, "This is a city that prides itself on having some taste and values, and i just can't see anything about what they're doing that has any good taste at all. I was shocked and totally appalled, and I think most people in Nashville are as well."
Kings Island is located 24 miles north of Cincinnati, Ohio, roughly 260 miles from the city of Nashville. It is the second-most visited seasonal theme park in America, behind Cedar Point, and the park does a Halloween-themed event each year. This year's Halloween Haunt debuts on September 25 and runs for 16 nights through Halloween. The Web site advises parents: "Halloween haunt includes graphic scenes, suggestive themes, and intense imagery and is intended for mature audiences; not recommended for children. No one and nothing is off limits!"
Including an NFL quarterback and his murdering mistress. Continue here.
Defensive coordinator Willie Martinez has to go at Georgia.
Bulldog football fans know it, Mark Richt has to know it, anyone with a semblance of intelligence about sports knows it. My favorite part of watching Saturday's games was seeing Willie Martinez on the sideline after Georgia's defenders gave up one big play after another to Arkansas. Often, you could just see him in the background, arms raised, a puzzled, crestfallen look on his face. My favorite shot was in third quarter after a Georgia's defensive back stood flat-footed and didn't move as a wide receiver ran right by him.
The camera caught Martinez in the background with a pained look on his face. He looked just like he'd just found his daughter's homemade porn tape while surfing the Internet. Which would be awful. But what's even worse is that you know every single Georgia fan on earth looked the exact same sitting in front of their television. Without further ado, let's hit the ClayNation Starting 11.
1. The Charlie Weis era came down to Michigan State's quarterback Kirk Cousins missing a wide open receiver in the back corner of the end zone.
Doesn't it seem like 40 years ago when Weis almost upset USC with Ty Willingham's players? Anyone else see the irony of Steve Sarkisian beating USC with Willingham's players? Logic dictates that the best way to beat USC is to fire Tyrone Willingham the season before you play them.
But back to Charlie Weis, have Notre Dame's football fortunes fallen so far that all it takes is a home victory over Michigan State -- Michigan State! -- to get Irish eyes smiling again? Right now, Notre Dame still controls their own destiny towards a BCS bowl game whipping. Which, honestly, tells us more about the BCS than anything else.
2. Landry Jones threw six touchdown passes for Oklahoma.
I've asked this question before, but in light of the fact that a guy like Landry Jones can come in and lead the offense with such precision, isn't it time Heisman voters start considering Oklahoma signal callers "system quarterbacks?" I think the "system quarterback" argument is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard, because it only gets applied to schools with strong quarterbacks that aren't traditional powers.
At least if the media is going to be consistent about applying the label, they ought to make Oklahoma quarterbacks wear the badge as well. For instance, every Texas Tech quarterback, running a very similar offense to Oklahoma's, is called a "system quarterback" which, as used, is a pejorative designation that serves to disqualify Mike Leach's signal callers from winning a Heisman.
Why isn't the same true for schools like Oklahoma? It's the same system, If running it disqualifies Graham Harrell shouldn't it also disqualify Sam Bradford? Otherwise, let's just ditch the system quarterback cliche for good.
3. Georgia defensive coordinator Willie Martinez can't even get his metaphors correct.
The sideline reporter, Erin Andrews, reported that Willie Martinez was telling his players not to worry about the Arkansas offense because they were just throwing grenades.
A perplexed Todd Blackledge then delivered the line of the night: "But grenades hurt when they explode."
4. Best new analogy I've thought of for going for it on 4th down, like moving a baby inside the house after they fall asleep in the car.
This is one of the most difficult calls I have to make. If my son is asleep in the car, do I go get a newspaper and sit in the car while he sleeps, i.e. punting on third down, or do I try to move him inside, i.e. go for it on fourth down, and transfer him to a bed knowing that if he wakes up, the nap is over and dad's back on the hook for playtime?
Honestly, this is such a difficult decision. I consider time of day, likelihood of ambient noise that could wake him up and weather conditions (Could the sunlight wake him? Is it raining?). I'm going to do a whole column on this at some point. Every parent turns into a head coach in this situation, you want the drive, i.e. the nap, to continue, but is it worth the risk?
Just when you thought Saturday's Florida-Tennessee game would end the Urban Meyer-Lane Kiffin feud for a few months, the coaches couldn't leave well-enough alone.
Asked about Tennessee's game plan, Meyer responded: "When I saw them start handing the ball off, you didn't feel like they were going after the win. They wanted to shorten the game. I remember looking out there and there's 10 minutes left in the game and there's no no-huddle, they are down, I think it was 23-6, and [there's no] urgency."
Meyer then said that his team didn't play as well as anticipated because several players had the flu.
Cue Lane Kiffin.
"This offseason the commissioner made a big deal of renewing vows in terms of what we say about other teams and other players," the Tennesee coach said. "Obviously Urban feels he doesn't need to follow that. We won't say anything else."
After saying he would say nothing else, Kiffin couldn't help himself when asked about whether he was concerned about his team catching the flu. "We'll wait and see, and after we're not excited about our performance we'll tell you that everybody was sick."
Somewhere SEC commissioner Mike Slive is treating himself with the vapors. I picture Slive, who looks vaguely like a vampire who has been out in the daylight too long, lying with cold compresses placed on his face and hands while an underling waves an oversized fan, probably a giant peacock feather, as he rests on a settee.
"Are they at it again?" Slive asks tremulously.
"Yes, commissioner, this time it's about the flu."
"Dear Lord, the flu? Has neither man no decency? Fetch me my quill and ink."
Nope, commissioner, no matter what you do, the trash talk is not ending anytime soon. Meyer went on to suggest that his team wasn't trying to win the game by an impressive margin, and Kiffin said he'd never accuse one team of trying not to to win and that he wished both teams played more than once a year because he'd like another crack at the Gators.
But here's the real surprise that's underlying all of these stories from Saturday. Kiffin had a smarter gameplan than Urban Meyer and I think that surprised Meyer. For all his bluster and big talk, Kiffin's game plan was remarkably conservative -- run the ball on offense and take away Florida's potential for big plays on defense. In so doing, Kiffin limited his team's weaknesses while restricting the other team's strengths. The only real way Tennessee could win this game was by scoring off Gator mistakes. And what's the best way to create mistakes? Make the opposing team run as many plays as possible against the best unit of your team, the Vol defense. If this game was a shoot-out, only one team would have been firing their weapon. And that team wouldn't have been Tennessee.
This brings up an interesting dichotomy, Kiffin's undisciplined off-field comments belie a team that is actually very disciplined and focused on game details. The upshot of Kiffin's gameplan was that Tennessee controlled how Saturday's game was played for the first time in five years.
I think that surprised Meyer. I really do.
And ultimately all the continued media attention has a rattled Meyer embracing a desert island fantasy. Meyer actually said this:
"If there's a way to do this, let's go move the Florida Gators to a deserted island somewhere and let's go play football and not worry about all this nonsense and just go play the game," Meyer said. "I've never seen anything like it this past week. You just try to shelter them and make sure they focus on what's important and not this silly nonsense."
This might be my favorite Meyer quote ever. Let's deconstruct this quote. What Urban wants:
A.) His team on a deserted island somewhere B.) Where they can play football -- presumably against themselves since the island is deserted C.) On the island they would not have to "worry about this nonsense," and ... D.) Could just go play the game. Off the deserted island or on the deserted island?
Fantasy quotes like this confirm that if nothing else, Kiffin is in Meyer's head. How so? You've got a two-time defending national champion coach with the No. 1 team in the country, the best player in the country at quarterback, and he's wishing his team would get less attention.
And who's frustrating him? A guy with a lifetime head coaching record of 6-17.
Seriously, how ridiculous is this?
Somehow Kiffin has hit at Meyer's vulnerability: He doesn't like to be questioned about anything. We've seen this before. Remember when Shane Matthews questioned Meyer's play-calling and the Florida threatened to banish him from all things Gator? Now Meyer's just beaten Tennessee by 10 points and Papa Smirk Kiffin has got him all flustered again. You get the feeling that Meyer's just one step away from publicly announcing that he will never mention Kiffin's name again.
There are a couple of columns coming from me today. So sit tight. In the meantime, watch the above video several times. I'd also suggest looking at the Florida fans in the end zone. Their faces are priceless on this hit.
By the way, thanks to LSU fans for Jackson. He's going to be another first-rounder in the secondary.
Earlier this week, Tim Brando drew a parallel between Lane Kiffin and Sarah Palin. Brando's point was that Kiffin had energized the Tennessee fan base, just as Palin set Republican hearts aflutter, but that it remained to be seen how he'd translate to the nation at large. When the rubber met the road, would Kiffin prove he could withstand the rigors of the SEC? Or would he turn into football's version of Palin, an overhyped west-coaster who couldn't handle the heat of SEC football?
By halftime, Kiffin's Vols had their answer and Tennessee-Florida had its structural metaphor. Urban Meyer is the favored and proven candidate, but Lane Kiffin is the brash-talking insurgent who didn't need to win, he just needed to prove he could compete. Florida fans came expecting a funeral, a smorgasbord of revenge stuffed into 60 minutes of football. Instead, they stood in the heat and watched a slobber-knocking and plodding affair. Clearly, Florida was the better offense and the better team. Urban Meyer came to a knife fight armed with two handguns and a howitzer cannon, Kiffin arrived with a salad fork and an oyster cracker. He tossed the oyster cracker at a Gator coed with fat arms, and dueled as best he could with his salad fork of a quarterback, Jonathan Crompton.
In the end, we learned 14 important things about both teams.
1. CBS and ESPN need Meyer and Kiffin to hate each other.
And if two mega-corporations need something to happen, and control as much of the sports arena as these two do, they can craft the story lines by taking sentences here and there and turning them into major controversies. CBS played up the angst with alternating shots of Kiffin and Meyer alongside the Green Day soundtrack "Know Your Enemy" as the game began. The montage was designed to ignite Gator bloodlust, and terrify Volunteer fans. If they'd played it on the scoreboard at Ben-Hill Griffin stadium, 15 people in orange would have simultaneously been stabbed to death with shivs embedded inside Little Debbie snackcakes.
2. Tim Tebow and Urban Meyer in suits look like an uncomfortable scene from Entourage: Gainesville.
Can we institute a new sports rule: When you're not wearing your football uniform or coaching on the sideline, there are no slow-motion shots?
It's so uncomfortable.
You could almost hear Meyer whispering, "I know a great Bible study party after this game. Two words: bourbon cake ... and truffles."
In his vest and glasses, Tebow looked like a Depression-era banker. Also, and I know several teams do it, but wearing suits to a college football game is really dumb. What's dumber than wearing the suits? Showing people wearing the suits.
3. Tennessee's offense is awful.
Immediately after the UT game, I put on other games, Washington at USC, and Michigan State at Notre Dame, and watched both teams tossing the football around the field, actually completing passes that travel more than five yards up field. I was positively giddy.
When will those days return?
Tennessee running backs Montario Hardesty and Bryce Brown are warriors out there. So is the entire offensive line. Can you imagine lining up against Florida on play after play when they've stacked the line to stop the run and yet you still have to run the football?
Hardesty ran 20 times for 96 yards. Those 20 rushes would have probably been 150 yards against a regularly aligned defense.
4. Florida lacks playmakers at wideout, and this is going to hurt them down the road.
Florida's leading receiver? Try tight end Aaron Hernandez who had four catches for 26 yards. Most of that yardage, 18 of them, came on a second quarter third and long play when Florida correctly guessed that Tennessee was going to blitz and hit him on the tight end screen for a first down.
Why does that matter? Florida is going to face an awful lot of stacked defenses from here on. Excepting that Tebow pass to Hernandez, Florida's next three longest pass plays were for 14, 10, and 10 yards.
What's even more interesting, Florida didn't even attempt to throw the ball down the field. Now Tennessee has a strong secondary and their gameplan was to make the Gators drive the field on them in small chunks of yardage, but that's got to make Gator fans a bit leery that they weren't able to exploit any mismatches down the field and stretch the defense.
If you're a Gator fan, you'd like to think that was because Florida chose to take what Tennessee gave them. I'm not so sure. I think the reality is that Florida is not very explosive on offense. At least nowhere near as explosive as they were last year with Percy Harvin.
I've said for a while that I think there's a great deal of separation between Florida and the other teams in the SEC. After this game, I take that back. I think Florida is going to have several tough games this season, and I'm not sure they'll finish the SEC gauntlet undefeated.
5. Someone needs to tell CBS studio analyst Tony Barnhart that everyone knows he dyes his hair.
One of my rules in life, if I ever think about dying my hair, I'm relying on a guy friend of mine to say, "Dude, everyone knows you dyed your hair. You like ridiculous."
At SEC Media Days everyone was whispering this about Tony "Chestnut Brown" Barnhart. Just becuase you're on television doesn't mean you need to dye your hair in a misguided attempt to look younger. Please stop. And when you stop, find your three best male friends and kick all of them in the groin for letting you dye your hair to begin with.
6. Lane Kiffin might be the new Les Miles when it comes to game interviews.
You know how when Les Miles hits the interview, you feel like he could say anything? From commenting on United States policy with Kim Jong-Il in North Korea to why he likes Paul Newman's salad dressing?
Put it this way, when I'm watching an LSU game and it's close to halftime and a team is taking the knee, I don't change the station because I want to hear what Miles might say.
Well, Kiffin might be the new Miles.
He told Tracy Wolfson, "See you later," to end the first interview. Which at first I thought was a reference to winning the game and getting interviewed at the end, but then he vanished at halfime and left Wolfson hanging. While Miles is wacky, Kiffin is so intense you halfway expect him to eat the microphone, spit it out, and flex for the camera. In fact, if this happened, I wouldn't even be surprised.
In the end, Wolfson went to Kiffin three times before she went to Urban Meyer.
Why?
Because they figured he was more likely to say something incendiary ... and they're right.
7. Brandon James is human. And he's going to be feeling that Janzen Jackson hit in the end zone for the rest of his life.
I don't know about the rest of Tennessee fans, but when I saw Brandon James get absolutely destroyed on Tebow's final pass of the half, I replayed the hit 18 times. In super slow-motion. In real speed. I paused the television, I got up and walked around in front of my screen and watched it anew, I was like Jim Garrison with the Zapruder tape in "JFK."
If I could download that hit and watch it every morning when I woke up, it would make my life better. Why?
A.) That Jackson hit saves four points. Because minus that hit, it's a touchdown catch. B.) Somewhere Jabar Gaffney slammed down his television remote and said, "That's a touchdown, bro." C.) I consider this somewhat revenge for the three consecutive punt-return touchdowns -- and the near kickoff touchdown to begin the game Here's the rest.
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is 16-year-old Cammie Colin, a cheerleader who killed a 10-foot alligator. Can I just make this public: I'd like to go on an alligator hunt. Will someone take me? E-mail me if so. I'll write about it.
Last week marked the inauguration of our season-long, Clay Travis vs. French girl competition. I'm pleased to report that I upheld all that is true and just in the world by trouncing Audrey, my family's former exchange student, 4-2 vs. 3-3.
This week we're picking these games. My picks are in bold.
Florida (-30) vs. Tennessee
Cal (-14) vs. Minnesota Virginia Tech (-5) vs. Nebraska
Oregon State (-2) vs. Cincinnati
BYU (-7) vs. Florida State
Arkansas (-1) vs. Georgia
Here are Audrey's picks along with her rationales.
"Tennessee -- yeah baby Minnesota for Brandon Walsh :-) Nebraska Style for Casey Oregon State -- where is Oregon? BYU Baiser Yummee Ursula Georgia -- Flashdance
I think I'm gonna love that game."
I have no clue what most of her comments mean, aside from the Brandon Walsh line, but it appears that we have mostly picked different teams this week.
Now on to All That and a Bag of Mail:
John C. writes
Clay --
I'm in trouble.
First, a confession. I'm breaking last week's relationship rules and dating (more specifically, marrying) within the conference. I am a life-long, die-hard fan of the Arkansas Razorbacks, engaged to a beautiful, wonderful Georgia Bulldog. The two don't play each other on a yearly basis, but the rotating schedule has left me in a bind this week.
Sunday, I started the trash-talking, and it didn't go over well. I asked what Saturday night would be like, and she told me "as long as you're respectful, we'll be fine." Let's just say, I don't really have plans on being respectful when the Hogs take the field. As you know (because you wrote it in the preseason), this game is our coming-out party. We will show the nation we are a real competitor in this conference. After the game, I will be drunk, loud, and obnoxious. So, what do I do? I've sent out feelers to see if she'd go watch the game with her parents, and that's not gonna fly. How do I celebrate the biggest win of the Petrino era, and keep my wedding on track for next June?
Oh, Clay, please help.
Man, this is really tough. Because let's be clear about something here, you guys are going to score a ton of points against Georgia. Now, the Bulldogs may score a ton of points as well. Which means I foresee a seesaw game that constantly tugs at your emotions. One moment you'll be riding high, the next moment your fiancee's no doubt ample cleavage will be bouncing as she celebrates a big play touchdown.
Your first indication was a good one, getting her out of the house to watch the game elsewhere would be an excellent move. But she's already shot this down. And you're right, I've been predicting how big this game is going to be for Arkansas fans for months. So I can't even consider asking you to tone down the celebration.
So here's what I suggest, give Friday night to her. Take her to her favorite restaurant, go see that stupid movie called "The Time Traveler's Wife," and book her a massage for early Saturday morning. Along the way drop hints about how excited you are about the wedding. Then, try to capitalize with early afternoon sex. Because she might not be willing to sleep with you by the end of the game if Arkansas dominates. In the midst of your post-coital cuddling, lie to her and tell her that no football team could ever come between your relationship. Explain that you'll root for Georgia in every game for the next five years that doesn't feature them playing Arkansas. This is a white lie, and it's good practice for marriage. Then I think you'll be good for the evening.
Also, only cheer your team, don't tear down her team via trash talk as much as you might like to do so. As a bonus, if your team loses, she might be willing to sleep with you again. Consider this a rare treat.
At some point Tuesday, the line for the Tennessee-Florida game passed 30. Think about that for a second. Thirty points!
That is the biggest underdog the Volunteers have been in any game in the modern era. The only teams playing football anywhere in the country that are bigger dogs than Tennessee this weekend are Rice and North Texas. They're playing at Oklahoma State and at Alabama. For Florida fans, the huge line is early payback for Lane Kiffin's brazen talk in the offseason, prelude to the time when he comes to understand what The Swamp is all about.
But for the nation at large, Kiffin's talked this game into his favor. How? Lose and it's expected. Merely cover the spread and he emerges as a victor of sorts, he's avoided the horrid beating so long predicted. When can you last remember that being the case? That Tennessee could lose to Florida, and so long as they do it in a respectable manner, the losing coach wins?
Welcome down the rabbit hole of college football expectations, where perception governs reality. Kiffin is Brer Rabbit and he lives in the briar patch.
Meanwhile, Kiffin's comments have gotten so much attention that it's worth asking if a coach's words have ever moved the line more significantly in college football history. But the truth is this, no matter how much bluster gets published about Florida having a bee in its bonnet and no matter what Lane Kiffin had said in the offseason, Tennessee was going to be a three-touchdown underdog in this game. They just were.
After all, in 2001, Tennessee went into the Swamp as the nation's No. 5 team taking on the No. 2 Gators. Pretty even match-up, right? Nope, the Vols were an 18-point underdog, even on a team with future NFL All-Pros Albert Haynesworth, John Henderson, Donte Stallworth and Jason Witten. With a team Phil Fulmer called the best he ever coached at Tennessee going against a Florida team that probably isn't as good as this year's edition, the Vols were picked to lose by almost three touchdowns.
So even with a team on par with Florida headed into the Swamp, Tennessee can be a heavy underdog. When it's a rebuilding program with a head case at quarterback going up against against a national championship contender with a saint at quarterback, why should there be any surprise the line is as large as it is?
As for the idea that Florida typically treats Tennessee with kid gloves, like a little brother who wanted to wrestle, it's completely wrong. Florida has always tried to choke Tennessee into submission and would've tried again even if the coach was Mother Theresa reincarnate (also known as Mike Shula). I know, I was at the 59-20 game when Meyer scored 21 fourth-quarter points to run up the score in 2007.
Add in the loss to UCLA last weekend and the talent disparity between the teams and 30 points doesn't quite seem that far out of reach, even before Kiffin made his quip about singing Rocky Top all night long in Gainesville.
So when you get right down to it, what's the actual value of Lane Kiffin's talk? The foot-in-the-mouth transgression columnists have equated to calling down the thunder?
Three or four points, a field goal in the spread, hardly the fire-and-brimstone differential everyone is talking about.
But what Kiffin has managed to do is stir up Florida's fan base so much that they're going to be using a cannon to kill a fly. All the Gators need to do to win this game is grab a flyswatter, lean over and smash the Vols. But that isn't good enough anymore, the Gator blood is up, they're demanding complete and total evisceration of all things orange. The same is true across the country, people are tuning in on Saturday because they're expecting to see carnage of a Biblical scale, Meyer turning to the television screen, baring his fangs above his absent chin, and every male child under the age of six dying at once in the state of Tennessee.
Anything less and the expectations don't live up to the hype. All Lane Kiffin has to do is stay within four touchdowns of the Gators and he wins the perception battle. He's Sarah Palin -- a great analogy by Tim Brando -- entering the first Vice-Presidential debate. The bar has been set so low that Kiffin can't help but clear it. Don't believe me? How would you react to a 35-7 loss for the Vols? That's 28 points. Only five times since this series started play in 1916 has one team beaten the other team by that many points.
Yet, this year, that's not enough to make real news, is it?
The main storyline out of the game would be Kiffin surviving to fight another day. And, yet, even with all that said, Tennessee fans are really nervous as the week nears.
I've watched the big man run down the length of the Tiger cage like 15 times. Why are people surprised that a tiger would have an affinity for a fat man?
Odds that if the cameras were kept there Les Miles would come talk to Mike the Tiger as well? High, very high.
It's a fringe benefit of marrying into fandom, I get to watch Big Ten games with a rooting interest, but experience none of the pain if Michigan loses. Such was the case on Saturday. While I sat in Neyland Stadium and watched Tennessee's season unravel around me, I occassionaly got a cheery update on the progress of the Wolverines. By 8PM, my wife was upbeat; I was despondent.
But I wasn't alone, I had Oklahoma State fans accompanying me down the primrose path of shattered dreams. Same thing with Notre Dame fans. If opening weekend Saturday was an eye-opening jaunt into the welcoming embrace of college football season, this past Saturday was the day when the cruel hard hand of reality pimp-slapped many of us. Doubt me? Ask Ohio State fans how they feel this week. In fact, let's play a game inside the ClayNation Starting 11, what if Miami doesn't get flagged for pass interference in 2003?
1. Then "THE" Ohio State Buckeyes are college football's Buffalo Bills, even more so, right?
Ohio State would have lost the 2003, 2006, and 2007 title games. They already lost the big game at home to Vince Young and Texas in 2005, the big game to USC in 2008 and now 2009, the big game to Texas in 2008's Fiesta Bowl. Think about this for a moment, absent that one single, belated penalty, Ohio State is the untrammeled master of failed expectations. Jim Tressel isn't a genius in a sweatervest who owns the Big Ten, he's just a guy in a sweatervest who is the best of a bad lot of teams. The guy in charge when Michigan switched identities.
If Buckeye fans think they have it rough now, just imagine what happens if that flag doesn't come out of that official's pocket at the last possible instant.
2. Funniest quote from the weekend. As we watch highlights of Michigan upsetting Notre Dame, a former UT football player puts his arm on my shoulder and sighs wistfully, "Do you know how much ass Tate Forcier just got with that pass?" he asked.
Yeah, a lot.
Another question, how much does the last name Forcier redeem the first name Tate? As is, Tate Forcier is an awesome name. Brent Musberger is already salivating at the thought of pronouncing it on air. But imagine if his last name is Smith.
Tate Smith? (Ed: We apologize to New Mexico's Tate Smith and invite him to discuss the shortcomings of the name Clay Travis. Or his thoughts on peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Your move, Lobo.)
That's right up there with Casey Dick as names go. He probably doesn't even end up a quarterback. (Ed: Except in New Mexico, America's goober grape state) In fact, Tate Smith doesn't even get selected for the fraternity he wants to join.
But Tate Forcier? The last name redeems his entire future. Do you think his parents had this debate? I'm picturing the mom being completely behind Tate and the dad agreeing only because the last name somehow combines with the first to make the name awesome.
3. On the South Carolina-Georgia game, how much would have you wagered if someone had said, "I'll give you an over/under of 77 in that game."
As night fell in Knoxville, a father dropped back to pass to his son.
"Go out five yards," he said.
The son, a portly 9 or 10 years old in an orange Eric Berry No. 14 jersey, ran a wobbly five yards and turned to receive his daddy's pass. The football whizzed in his direction, slammed into the pavement three yards short of its target and bounced high into the night air.
"I'm Jonathan Crompton," the dad said. Fellow tailgaters erupted in guffaws as the son tracked down the ball in the fading light.
It's come to this in Knoxville. One week after offering a tantalizing glimpse that something might be different, Crompton turned in the worst full-game performance by a Tennessee quarterback in a quarter century. In the wake of the resulting loss to UCLA, fans sputtered to explain how Crompton could be so bad.
Late that night as I stood at the urinal of a Cumberland Avenue bar, a fellow fan recognized me. "Clay," he said, "Todd Helton could have won us this game. Hell, A.J. Suggs would have beaten them by three touchdowns."
And he's right.
I don't even think we need Todd Helton back in his quarterbacking days at UT. I think if we'd just pulled the 36 year old from his Saturday game against the San Diego Padres, plugged him under center and given him five pass plays to run, Helton could have won the game for the Vols. Certainly he couldn't have done worse than Crompton, who finished 13 of 26 for 93 yards, three interceptions, one interception called back because of penalty, and another interception narrowly avoided after replay review. He also fumbled a quarterback-center exchange that led to UCLA's only touchdown. But supposedly he isn't to blame for that one.
In the end, UCLA won the game 19-15 on Saturday evening, but Jonathan Crompton lost it. He was so awful that his performance transcended the merely bad and ascended to the ranks of the astonishing. How bad did it get? Crompton's three interceptions came on three consecutive series, the final two of the first half and the first series of the second. After the second interception, the crowd booed. On the third? The crowd merely sat in stunned silence. Crompton pulled off a true rarity in the sport, back-to-back interceptions on consecutive pass attempts and three picks in five passes, a 60 percent interception percentage. Think about how hard that is to manage for a fifth-year starting college quarterback.
Then consider that all three interceptions were entirely self-inflicted wounds. On every interception, Crompton had plenty of time and no pressure. For someone who witnessed the game in person, it truly boggles the mind how badly Crompton played.
Especially with all that was at stake. I've been saying for months that the UCLA game was the most important on the schedule because of where it lay. Win and Tennessee can withstand the loss at Florida, return home with three home games in a row, and likely finish the first half of the season, at worst, at 4-2.
Lose and the bad karma of 2008 returns, the infighting between offense and defense reemerges, all of it is there to break the will of a fragile team. And now we're there. Go ahead and write off all possibility of 2009 being a good season.
Early glimpse, I think it's going up on FanHouse tomorrow. So this is like Sundance without the snow...or the physical location.
Tremendous thanks to the girls. We had so much good content that distilling it to four minutes was tough. I think we could have done three equally funny versions with all different footage.
12-2 signing at Coachmen Clothier's 9700 Kingston Pike
7-9 signing at Books a Million Walker's Spring 8513 Kingston Pike
In between those signings we're filming the ClayNation Sorority Roundtable to break down UT-UCLA. I'm cautiously optimistic that could be up by this evening on FanHouse.
Also, I'll have a camera crew with me on the strip tonight as we tour bars. Should be fun.
You'll note that relatively few players are actually mentioned. Enjoy.
First off, congratulations on Patrick Ramsey making the 53-man roster. Pretty good chance he'll play before Week 6, and, really, the road to Miami goes through a former Tulane graduate who Steve Spurrier once pegged as the Redskins' future.
But that -- or the fact that the Titans' current starting quarterback is 36 years old and was once outplayed by Billy Joe Tolliver during a brief stopover in New Orleans -- won't be the story line Thursday. Not until the game starts, anyway. Nope, it'll no doubt be the fact that the last time Pittsburgh and Tennessee met -- a Week 16 Titans beatdown -- then-chubbier running back LenDale White (Seriously, how much tequila are you drinking that when you cut it out of your diet you drop 30 pounds?) spent the final minutes of the game celebrating the victory by disrespecting the Terrible Towel.
In a shocking turn of events, this did not go over well with Steelers fans. (Or the Steelers, for that matter.) Yes, I get the absurdity of it all; an adult taking great offense because another adult went to town on what amounts to a yellow hand towel. But it's bigger than that.
Myron Cope (R.I.P.), patron saint to Steelers Nation, invented the Terrible Towel. So to deface it portends very bad things on the perpetrators. Just ask T.J. Houshmandzadeh, who took great pleasure in cleaning his shoes -- in Heinz Field, no less -- shortly after the Bengals defeated the Steelers during a 2005 regular-season game.
Cincinnati finished the year with 11 wins, made the playoffs for the first time since 1990, and Carson Palmer's knee promptly exploded during the first offensive series. Against the Steelers. The Bengals have gone 8-8, 7-9, and 4-11-1 since, and Palmer's never been the same.
So here's what I'm saying: don't be surprised if the Titans tank. On the upside, Cortland Finnegan has repented and he should be fine. So there's that.
Clay: Wow, did you really lead by taking a shot at the Titans third-string quarterback? Was the third assistant groin-massaging trainer too uppity to be worthy of your attention? If you want to lead with third-strings, you could have at least led with the Titans third string defensive tackle from last year. You might remember him, guy by the name of Jason Jones. He sacked Big Ben three times and caused two fumbles. Then for good measure Jones impregnated Sienna Miller. They're raising a child who is only going to exist to ridicule the city of Pittsburgh.
All of his diapers will be terrible towels.
Speaking of which, why do Steelers fans always feel the need to mention Myron Cope, the "inventor" of the terrible towel--question, how does one invent a towel--can you copyright or trademark lifting an object and swirling it above your head? If I started taking off my baseball cap and twirling it around my head could I argue that I "invented" the terrible cap?
Second question, why do all Steelers fans mention that Myron Cope is dead? We all die, that's an awful and not insignificant counterpoint to life, but no one talks about cars or airplanes and then says, "Oh, by the way, Orville Wright is dead now." I don't get the death fetish. Maybe it comes from living in a rustbelt city that has slowly died as well, I don't know.
Come Thursday I hope LenDale White brings out a terrible towel, already prefrayed, and rips it apart like Hulk Hogan when he used to enter the wrestling ring. I want that, need that. Of course Emperor Roger Goodell would probably suspend White for violating the league conduct policy, but the thirty seconds of pure hate that move would engender would perfectly welcome us to the new season.
Thursday's game is going to be epic. I just hope your most explosive offensive weapon, 43 year old Hines Ward, doesn't need knee replacement surgery between now and then. Until that point I'm going to be inventing things. Look, I'm twirling a TV remote above my head, it's a terrible TV remote.
Alabama Fan Graphically Reacts To Personal Foul Call
Coaches Polo? Check.
Fold-up chair to bang on table? Check.
Drunkenness? Check.
Racist language? Check.
Bama Bangs? Check.
Yep, looks like a bona fide Alabama fan.
Seriously, if you ever berate a referee's call, this is what you look like. I hate people who are obsessed with referees, hate them. Even more so now that replay exists.
(Tip of the beaver pelt to reader Joey H. for sending along the link.)
I'll be doing a weekly column breaking down Heisman contenders based on the virtually ineffable, hype factor. Here we go with this week. Read it here.
Three weeks ago, I wrote that the Big Three of Tim Tebow, Colt McCoy, and Sam Bradford would end up being the big two, and that the 2009 Heisman race would feature several players that were just on the periphery of the Heisman hunt in the preseason. One week in, that's already happened. Following an unfortunate shoulder sprain, Sam Bradford is out of the running. That leaves Tebow and McCoy as the leaders in the clubhouse, but guarantees that a couple of guys no one is talking about will snag invites to New York for the Heisman ceremony.
Each week during the season we're going to be ranking the top candidates in the country based on a complicated mathematical algorithm. The exact formula of this algorithm is a state secret. Although some have pointed out that at its root the algorithm is quite simple: what Clay Travis thinks the Heisman voters are thinking. I'm going to give you a top eight Hypesman count each week and count them down in reverse order. Here we go.
8. Jacquizz Rodgers, RB, Oregon State
Against Portland State, Rodgers ran 16 times for 103 yards and three touchdowns. I still believe Rodgers is a darkhorse. Rodgers can change that in two weeks by gouging defending Big East champ -- and stomper of Rutgers -- Cincinnati, Sept. 24. This will help with his national recognition in the Midwest and East Coast. But his real stretch run doesn't come until late October when Oregon State plays at USC, against UCLA, and at Cal in three consecutive weeks.
Until then, the oxygen is going to be in short supply for Rodgers' candidacy and he may end up subsumed by another Pac-10 runner, Jahvid Best.
7. Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame
Let's be clear about this, no matter how much you hate Notre Dame -- and most people who aren't Notre Dame fans hate Notre Dame -- Jimmy Clausen has played better than any quarterback in America in his last two football games. Granted those performances were against Hawaii and Nevada, but the numbers speak for themselves.
Against Hawaii in last year's bowl game, Clausen went 22-of-26 for 401 yards. Against Nevada, Clausen was an astounding 15-of-18 for 315 yards. That's an average of 21 yards per completion this season. Come Saturday Clausen takes Notre Dame into the Big House. If the Fighting Irish can win and Clausen plays impressively, look for the hype meter to leap off the charts.
Why?
Because NBC needs Clausen's candidacy to leap off the charts so people watch their games. And it won't hurt ABC/ESPN to have a Notre Dame player in the running either. The real question is, has the spiky haired kid who made the understated decision to announce his college choice after arriving in a limo at the college football Hall of Fame, finally, in his junior season, grown into the expectations. We'll see.
By the way USC fans, it's okay to be skeptical. In the last regular-season game of 2008, Clausen completed 11-of-22 passes for 41 yards and two picks. Read the rest here.
I'm throwing it out there to you guys, any businesses near campus, locations that make a ton of sense? Shoot me an email with ideas, clay.travis@gmail.com
In related news, I'll be signing all over Knoxville this weekend.
From 12-2 on Friday at Coachmen Clothier's.
From 7-9 on Friday at Books a Million at Walker's Springs shopping center.
8513 Kingston Pike Knoxville, TN 37919
On gameday, in the Vol Village on campus from 9-3:45 before kickoff against UCLA.
I'm going to try to be at all 8 home games this fall. Let me know where I can sell books near the crowds. Suggestions welcome.
If you've ever doubted how much someone can give during their college career, read this story. ...
Just after midnight on Saturday, Sept. 5, the day when fifth-year senior Josh McNeil should be in bed dreaming about his 36th consecutive start for the University of Tennessee, McNeil stands in a Texas Roadhouse parking lot in suburban Knoxville. He's wearing a yellow polo, brown khaki shorts, and resting his left knee, the surgically repaired left knee, against the bumper of a red SUV. McNeil flexes the left knee, winces, it's the same knee that forced him to give up football.
"Freshman year of high school, I could dunk a basketball," McNeil says, "I thought I was the next Dirk Nowitzki." He laughs, claps his hands lightly. "When I got to Tennessee I had a 33.5 inch vertical. At six-four, 295 pounds." All is silent for a short while in the nearly empty parking lot. After a time, McNeil breaks the silence. "One hand, two hand dunks, I could do it all. That's how I hurt my left knee the first time, shattered it coming down after a dunk."
In 2005, Josh McNeil was the top center recruit in the country, a high school phenom from tiny Collins, Miss. He selected Tennessee after a recruiting visit to USC. Everyone in the nation wanted McNeil, the son of a Southern Baptist preacher, with a soft Southern drawl and a habit of playing through pain, to play college football for their school.
Nine days ago, on Wednesday August 26, McNeil underwent his fifth knee surgery.
When the surgery ended, the doctor had two words for him. "You're done," the doctor said.
His left knee was in such bad shape he'd need the meniscus from a cadaver. He'd also need a pothole wide hole in the bone of his left knee filled in via the bone graft from a dead person as well. No one at the University of Tennessee has ever needed both operations before. There is no question that this procedure on his left knee will end his football career.
But football is just a small part of his future life, and he still may need a total knee replacement by the time he's 35. Generally doctors refrain from performing these operations before someone turns 65. Faced with this dire forecast, McNeil walked into coach Lane Kiffin's office on Friday, Aug. 28th and announced he was finished with football.
The doctor's prognosis was right. His prediction wasn't. Four days after telling Kiffin his career was over, McNeil decided his heart could take what the doctors thought his knee couldn't.
After all, no amount of pain ever hurt Josh McNeil the way losing football would.
This would be something of a pattern for Josh McNeil's career. In the fourth game of his freshman season, he tore his meniscus. In the fifth game, he was named starting center. Whatever didn't hobble him made him stronger. By the end of the season, McNeil was a Freshman All-American. A year later, McNeil would wrap up another strong campaign. And he'd have another surgery, this time microfracture surgery on his knee.
He never missed a game.
By his junior season, a 5-7 disaster that left him awake at night, McNeil rehabbed from 7 in the morning until 9 at night. He was in the football facility all day except for two classes. His play suffered due to the excruciating pain he was under, but McNeil played on. Entering this season, Mel Kiper pronounced him the No. 2 center in the country. McNeil grins at the mention of Kiper's analysis.
"You think Mel would still have me there if he'd seen my MRI and surgery files?" McNeil asks. It was this reason he didn't make himself eligible for the NFL draft after his fourth season at Tennessee. Even though he'd already graduated with a degree in communication studies, McNeil knew he'd be flagged by the NFL scouts and doctors.
Once flagged, McNeil feared he'd be adrift in a world he'd never known, a world without football.
McNeil lasted just four days without football. Until Tuesday, Sept. 1, the day summer gave up the ghost to fall, when he decided to return for one more year of football, consequences be damned. "I had two [practice] days without it," McNeil says. "I went to the doctor and he said if I could withstand the pain, I could play in six weeks, that I wasn't going to hurt myself any worse."
Alone in his apartment while his two roommates, tight end Jeff Cottam and offensive lineman Aaron Douglas were away at practice, McNeil played the Madden video game for hours and hours, lost in his own football fantasy. "I don't know how every college student isn't a doctor or a lawyer. What do they do with all that time?" he jokes. "I missed football too much." ... Read the rest here.
The Kiffin Smirk, Olive Garden, and the ClayNation Starting 11
Monday, September 7, 2009
New column up about week one. ... Here's the top lesson from Saturday: If you're a major program, never schedule a game you can lose as your season opener. Period. This should be a rule. Why? Because we fans sit around for nine months waiting for the college football season to return, and then, in one sixty minute game, the entire season is ruined. It's just not worth it. You roll out of bed the next morning and effectively the wildest dreams of the offseason, that your team could run the table and contend for a national championship, is over.
Ask Georgia fans what they feel like this morning. Ask Tennessee fans what the last two years prior to this season felt like losing the first game of the season in California. Losing the opening game counts as two losses, it makes you feel like complete crap. And don't even get me started with how good you feel if you win an opening game. You're a liar. You don't feel good, you just feel relieved. Nothing has changed about your season if you win a big opening game. You just get to dream for one week more. On to the ClayNation Starting 11.
1. I was at UT- Western Kentucky this weekend. Lane Kiffin does not smile.
Shortly before kickoff, Lane Kiffin strolled down the shortened Vol walk, smirk in tow. Kiffin has two facial expressions: disdain, as if he's smelled something foul, and the smirk. Sometimes, to be fair, he combines the two into a disdainful smirk. It's really uncanny how someone can be this successful at such a young age without ever smiling.
Yep, 99% of his time on earth, Kiffin smirks. It's his most noticeable physical characteristic.
I started thinking, what does Kiffin look like when his kids open Christmas presents? What about when he poses for family photographs? Then I started thinking even more, which is even more dangerous, couldn't you construct a solid pyramid of coaching success based solely on the absence of the smile?
Think about this, who really smiles in the SEC and has won a national championship? Urban Meyer? Nein. Nick Saban? Nein.
Steve Spurrier used to smile, but then he started making a living as a defensive guru and now he looks like he's trying to pass a kidney stone standing on the sideline.
You know how political candidates have to smile all the time in order to get elected. Being a coach in the SEC is the exact opposite, you have to look like you hate your job and everyone associated with it for people to trust you with their football programs.
2. Joe Cox is Joe Tereshinski with longer arms and less generational connection to the football program.
All season long Georgia fans have argued that Joe Cox was going to be an adequate quarterback. That he wasn't Matthew Stafford flashy, but he'd get the job done. It's almost like the University of Georgia sent out talking points to Bulldog fans; it was uncanny how brainwashed they all were. Mention his name and immediately Georgia fans put on their metaphorical--it was the offseason so they didn't need to break them out yet--red pants and barked about how Cox backed up Chris Leak at Independence High before he took over and led the team to a state championship. Next, Dawg fans pointed to his performance in a come-from-behind victory over Colorado back in 2006. Then they hit the intangibles, how hard he'd worked, his leadership how much the team respected him, if it's possible to praise someone while only using intangible qualities, Georgia fans set a record in the 2009 offseason when it came to Cox.
In so doing they overlooked the fact that you or I look more imposing than Cox does. They conveniently ignored my question about how a guy could spend five years in Georgia's weight program and have smaller arms than me. And now, well, now, those talking points are long forgotten.
Because Georgia is in real trouble. At best they're going to split their next two games, at home against South Carolina and on the road at Arkansas.
At best.
Then what?
This is going to be a season of woe for Georgia football.
Yep, the long knives are out in Athens. Mark Richt better hope those knives are put to better use, adding to and shaping the ample cleavage in the Georgia undergrad population, instead of coming after him and defensive coordinator Willie Martinez.
3. The Big Ten is awful. So is the ACC.
New gambit, is it possible to not mention any teams above the Mason-Dixon line for an entire season in the Monday review column? I think so.
So we're working with a new theory in the ClayNation column: they don't play college football above the Mason-Dixon line.
4. John Chavis' defense did not inspire great faith in the LSU-Washington game. Also, I'm an old man.
I drove back from Knoxville and sat down on the couch to spend the rest of the evening watching multiple games I'd DVR'ed. I kept going strong until near halftime of LSU-Washington, which I caught up with to watch live. Then, at around 11:30, I was overcome with fatigue. So I had to DVR the second half and watch it Sunday morning.
I felt like such a failure.
Much like Chavis's defense in the opener.
LSU played an awful lot of zone defense on third and long and Jake Locker ate them for a late dinner. For a while there it looked like the Huskies, cheered on a by a fan who arrived inexplicably wearing a wrestling singlet, were going to get their first win since 2007. A few times the cameras cut to Les Miles as he talked to John Chavis on the sideline. Fortunately, I'm a great lip-reader. So I know exactly what he said.
Les: "Come on now, Chief, we didn't pay you over a half million dollars so you could get me fired. Skip Bertman just realized he's got a disaster on his hands and you're our savior. But you ain't saving nothing out there."
Chavis: "I can't look into my defensive players' eyes if you're looking at me, Les. That's why I'm on the sideline. Not to talk to you. Just give me some time, I own first and second down, got them stamped, says 'Chief' in bold red letters. You've got fourth down, Les, says 'Ballz' in LSU purple, we're working on third down. We get third down covered, we going to win big here."
Les: "Good. Like to hear it. We've got to get up early tomorrow, tour the Lincoln Monument, Vietnam Veteran's, the Ko-Rea monument. I love Ko-Reans."
Chavis: "That's the other Washington."
5. Olive Garden is, inexplicably, the most popular restaurant in the South.
At some point in the future, I'm going to buy out all the restaurants next door to Olive Garden and open up more Olive Gardens. I don't get this, why is the restaurant so popular down here? No matter what time of the day or night you go to Olive Garden there's a huge wait. It's impossible to eat there. Is lasagna the new barbecue?
The restaurant is what, twenty years old? How are these crowds at a chain restaurant still possible? What's so delectable about the Olive Garden that they generate $4 billion dollars per square foot of restaurant space in the South?
Is it like this anywhere else in the country?
As you can see, I made the mistake of attempting to eat at one over the weekend.
LaGarrette Blount Opens Up College Football With a Bang
Friday, September 4, 2009
My favorite part about the scene was the way the Boise State guy, who basically got knocked out, climbed back up like the punch hadn't really impacted him. Want to get really wacky? What if Blount had missed with his punch and taken out Chris Petersen, Boise State's coach, instead?
Did the air smell crisper to you last night? This morning did you beat your chest and bellow as loud as you could while staring at the heavens? I did. College football is back. Thank the Lord. But for some of us, such as South Carolina fans, the season is not getting off to a nice, easy start. Nope, they're traveling north and taking on N.C. State in a game that they're expected to lose. That's despite the 34-0 walloping they put on N.C. State on a Thursday night to start last season. In fact, of the four teams playing tonight on ESPN, South Carolina has more at stake than any of them. Yep, more than Boise State, Oregon, or the Woflpack.
Why?
Because South Carolina has to survive September or their season is going to implode in a hurry. Let's dive in to the college football bonanza and I'll tell you why Gamecock fans are covering their eyes with their visor lids. And it has nothing to do with the debut of the Wild Cock formation. Seriously, am I the only person who can't wait to here Verne Lundquist/Benjamin Franklin talk about the Wild Cock? I love South Carolina fans and the football experience in Columbia. I like the oysters in the pregame, the dangerous medley that arrives when the South Carolina state fair coincides with a football game, the middle school enthusiasm that their male fan base has to scream out "Cocks" as loudly as they can in the midst of the Gamecocks cheer. I like the Cockabooses and the mildly creepy, yet at the same time awesome, way the camera guy zooms in on really hot coeds during the Carolina Girl song. I like Charleston and Hilton Head and Pat Conroy and the South Carolina state flag and the way that no matter how many hall-of-fame coaches whose career they run into the ground, South Carolina fans keep believing in their team.
Having said that, I don't like South Carolina's opening schedule.
Not at all.
In three of their first four games, including tonight at N.C. State, the Gamecocks will be the underdog. They'll be expected to lose at Georgia -- in a game that will doubtless end with a score of 12-10 and not be decided until the final play -- and at home on Thursday night against Ole Miss. Blessedly, in the third game of their schedule, they have a home win against Florida Atlantic penciled in. But right now, there's a strong likelihood that South Carolina comes out of September sitting at 1-3.
Especially grateful for the half-page picture of you featuring a spread-eagle crotch shot. Always the high point of any Thursday. Seriously though, looking forward to getting my hands on the new book. Loaned my signed copy of DD to a cousin, still don’t have it back. Lesson learned.
The picture is linked above in the story. I never really thought about the crotch angle shot before, but it really is pretty accurate. Apologies. Of all the people who could be pictured with a crotch shot, I have to rank in the very lowest percentage. Just behind Jessica Biel.
All That and a Bag of Mail Returns In Time For College Football
About fourteen months ago I left CBS for Deadspin. Obviously I've done my best to keep All That and a Bag of Mail rolling, but I haven't been great at it. That all changes beginning today. Because All That and a Bag of Mail is debuting at FanHouse. Dive in and keep the emails coming.
In the distant mists of Internet history there was a time when all was just, when the world was free and open and a squirrel could hop from one tree to another all the way from Maine to Key West. It was a time when pink dolphins lay down with beaver pelts, beards were good, and All That and a Bag of Mail came every Friday on CBSSports.com. Well, the past is prologue ladies and gentlemen. On college football eve, the ClayNation mailbag is back. We'll be here every Wednesday to ponder life's mysteries, answer your questions, and award the elusive beaver pelt trader of the week award. Come closer now tiny dancer and enter the mailbag.
As always, the questions are entirely your own. The goal is to be fun, entertaining, and non-cliche. To begin this week, I'd like to take the time to extend the first FanHouse beaver pelt trader of the week award to reader Clint B. whose rename the BCS nominee "antimatter" won the contest. (The beaver pelt trader of the week is given out each week to someone who has done something remarkable as judged by me, or as voted by y'all. The phrase is my attempted substitute for the outdated cliche of calling someone a "riverboat gambler" if they take a risk in a football game.) On to the mailbag. Rob B. writes:
Claytravious-
I moved to New York City after graduating from our beloved University of Tennessee. For almost three years, I feel that I, and my other southern friends that live here, have done a fairly remarkable job of letting folks know how important SEC sports are (not just to us, but to world history). Apparently I was wrong. One of my best friends in the city decided to get engaged last week, and he has asked me to be in his wedding in New Jersey on September 19, 2009. I can't imagine anything much worse than being in a Yankee wedding - formal dinner, more dreadful toasts, less alcohol-encouraged debauchery than the southern version (I'm sure you've been through this hell enough to know what I'm talking about) - in New Jersey on this date. This predicament seems to happen to you on a regular basis; do you have any insight or tips on manipulating wedding dates? It may not be set in stone yet.
Wishing I still lived in a manly city.
Every year we get e-mails like this and they break my heart anew. If you're a man or woman, a Southern person might be required to come to your wedding, and you've ever considered getting married during the fall, don't. There is a reason why those dates are open -- because people who aren't already pregnant have planned ahead and taken the other months. Why? Because they aren't ungrateful wenches who pray on the good nature of their friends and family to schedule weddings during the fall.
Sigh.
Somebody should write a thesis comparing divorce rates in the South when a wedding takes place in the fall with other months. I'm convinced that while we lead the nation in divorce anyway, the rates are even higher for fall weddings.
But a Yankee wedding really takes the proverbial cake. That's awful. The girls are uglier, there's less alcohol, people are talking about the Yankees and the Red Sox, and meanwhile one of the 12 or 13 greatest Saturdays of the year is unspooling away outside your purview. All the while you have to talk about Long Island traffic and the Arctic ice caps melting.
Just shoot yourself.
And you can't even go dark and pretend that the game isn't happening by turning off all media devices. Why? Some gel-haired tool with a tan that's taken him 14 months to perfect will come up to you on the dance floor, give you a high five -- which you'll want to redirect at his overly tanned face -- and say, "Bro, you're from Tennessee. They got killed today. What happened? It was 48-10."
So, I really don't have any great advice. Other than root for the wedding to fall apart. Maybe tape the bachelor party and discreetly email a file to the bride-to-be. Read the rest here.
To refresh your memory, I'm talking at the Corner Pub tonight from 6:30 to 8. Afterward we'll have some beers. Half the proceeds on the book go to the Davidson County UT Alumni Association.
Also, I'm going to be posting a few more videos from last season this week. I'll link them on here.
Tim Tebow : Greatest of All Time, but not any time
I spent a lot of time on this. Pretty fascinating. Even if you don't agree with all of my premises. Here's the complete article.
Saturday, Tim Tebow begins his senior football season at Florida. He's seeking his third national title, second Heisman, and something that is ultimately more difficult to quantify, the title of greatest college football player of all time. Of course, greatness is inherently subjective. And as soon as I say that Tebow is the greatest college football player of all-time, some of you will recoil as if I just slapped your mom on the derriere.
Few, if any, sports actually provide a clear demarcation between the greatest and second greatest of all time. At some point in the next week or so, I'll lay out all the criterion that I believe should be included in an honest analysis of whether someone is the greatest of all time. But until then, I've found myself wondering, what would happen if you took Tim Tebow, man-child as he is, and placed him in the past seven decades of college football?
Where would he fit? And would he come out of those decades looking more or less impressive than he does presently? Let's dive in and take a speculative look at what Tebow's historical legacy in football might have been.
Let's begin with a thesis: There is no point in football history when a player of Tim Tebow's talents could have been more statistically productive on offense than the present. Stewart Mandel at SI has run the numbers, but looking at them in the context of other top offensive players over the years proves how massively productiveTebow has really been. He's rushed for 43 touchdowns while passing for 67 in just three years. Those numbers don't even look real, they're video-game like, part of the Tebow mythology. In fact these numbers are so mythic that there's a tendency to assume that Tebow's skill set is so otherwordly he would have been equally dominant in every era of football. I don't think that's true.
In fact, I think one of the most fascinating things about the Tebow Era (honestly, we might as well start referring to this time period as T.E.) is that Tebow might have gotten lost in the football huddle if he'd arrived in college football just 10, 20 or 30 years before he did. In fact, what Tebow's extreme success shows us is that defining greatness requires, quite often, a relatively coincidental pairing of talent and timing.
The spread offense is perfectly crafted to suit Tim Tebow's game. And while we think of the spread as a recent entrant upon the college football landscape, it actually emerged in the late 1920's from Texas high school football. Being a conservative lot, football coaches didn't begin adopting the principles of the spread on higher levels of football until the late 1980s. Even then, the spread didn't emerge as a viable offensive system for a major college program to run until the late 1990s. Coaches like Mike Leach, Urban Meyer, and Rich Rodriguez finally popularized the spread to such an extent that a player like Tebow could arrive in college and fully unleash his talents both passing and running the football.
In fact, Meyer memorably told Florida recruit Jevan Snead, per Bruce Feldman's book "Meat Market," that he was recruiting Tebow as a linebacker. (If you've ever doubted the importance of timing, consider that Snead originally committed to the Gators before they signed Tebow, then signed with Texas only to sit behind Colt McCoy. Has a quarterback as good as Snead ever found himself in a situation where he's managed to be aced out by two of the best quarterbacks to play college football in the past quarter century?) Tebow's arrival and ascension to the top ranks of football players seems ordained now, but just five years ago there was a real question about whether Meyer's spread offense would work in the SEC. Moreover, Tebow seriously considered committing elsewhere, to Mike Shula's Alabama, if you can believe that.
Would the exact same Tebow signing with Alabama be entering his senior season with a chance to etch his name into the college football firmament as the greatest of all-time? Probably not, considering Shula's offense wouldn't have been likely to fit Tebow's skill set as well. Tebow would have been a good player at Alabama, but probably not a great one. Which got me thinking even more, generally we believe that today's players would excel at football in year's past. But is that really true for Tebow? I decided to dive into college football history and see how Tim Tebow, whom I consider the greatest player ever, would have fared in seasons of yesteryear.
Football pre-1930s
Tebow might well have become a United States president had he played in this era. His fame would have been that amazing. Certainly, he would be every bit what Jim Thorpe was to American football. Thorpe, who famously became one of the first athletes to ever go third person, when he remarked, "No one can tackle Jim," to his coach, Pop Warner, after trying out a running play for the first time, led the Carlisle Indians to a national championship and scored a then unheard of 25 touchdowns in 1912. Operating in a single wing as a tailback, Tebow, would be larger at 6-foot-3 and 240 pounds but probably a bit slower than Thorpe, who stood 6-1 and weighed 190. Even still Tebow would have been a dominant offensive force. Since he would be playing both ways and would be the largest man on the team, Tebow might even be more dominant defensively. So dominant that he'd be considered one of the greatest athletes in American sports history.
There's only one caveat, Tebow is so huge many coaches might have initially slotted him into the offensive or defensive lines rather than try him under center on offense. He would have been good there, but not great. Barring that size discrimination, we'd consider Tebow, as a single wing tailback, to have been one of the greatest players in football history. Continue reading here.
HBO has aired three episodes of "Hard Knocks" starring the Cincinnati Bengals. All three episodes, as usual, have been fantastic. The superstars, Chad Ochocinco, Carson Palmer, and Marvin Lewis reveal themselves to a greater degree than a season's worth of media coverage will manage, but so too do those outside the limelight, the executives, the coaches, the rookies. The show isn't just entertaining from a football perspective, it's managed what all great sports narratives accomplish and made you forget that it's telling a story about sports at all.
Most importantly, along the way, "Hard Knocks" has done something I didn't think was possible. It gave me a rooting interest in Cincinnati Bengals games. Prior to watching the show, I could have cared less whether the Bengals won or lost every game all season long. Now, I care. I'll be rooting for several guys on the field who otherwise would have been faceless numbers, and if a Bengals game is on television, I'll be much more likely to watch than I was before.
Let's begin with a thesis that most of you will agree with: the NFL is the most competitive pro sports league in America today. And, subscribing to the driving tenet of American capitalism, that competition makes every team better than they otherwise would be without the competition. What's more, no other pro league offers the promise and pratfalls of the NFL on a season-to-season basis. And no other league has to mine a greater pool of talent to find the right players for their teams. The drama and stakes are real, transparent and vivid. There are no guaranteed contracts, no healthy Stephon Marburys sitting in the stands cashing checks without playing, no baseball players signed to decades long contracts, whiling away the season at seafood buffets -- I'm looking at you C.C. Sabathia. Football is distilled rage, a natural television program brought to you every Sunday, sports as an altar of athletic worship.
As I've watched "Hard Knocks" this summer, I've found myself thinking: NFL teams compete against each other in every possible arena, but one, the direct marketing of their teams and players on television. What if they actually competed to make the best television shows about their team? To make their star players more than mere numbers on the field, to make you care about journeymen who even the biggest fans wouldn't recognize without their helmets on? Some shows would be so good you'd end up caring about teams and players that you've never cared about before. With the competition, sports television would be ratcheted up to a greater level than you've ever seen. When something worked really well, just like on the field each team would steal from every other team and the result would be distilled entertainment brilliance. And for those of us who are fans of particular teams, we'd end up with better footage and stories about our favorite teams than we'd ever seen before.
How amazing would this television be? Just thinking about it makes me giddy.
Of course teams wouldn't have to do this, but the ones that did would enjoy the risk and reward that comes with producing great television, more viewers, greater attention for their teams, and an increased fan base. Ultimately they'd sell more tickets, more merchandise, and make their team more desirable to play for. Before the NFL Balkan-ized regional sports television, we could all keep up with most teams without subscribing to DirecTV. With the advent of compelling NFL television shows, we could do the so once more. These shows would make us care more about our favorite teams than we already do, and they'd make us care about teams that we don't care about at all now.
Isn't this what ultimately keeps the turnstiles moving, a tangible connection between player, coach, and fan? Yet when it comes to media coverage, most teams outsource the production of their stories to people who don't know the players best: columnists, beat writers, television reporters and the like. What's more, they require that only a circumscribed piece of the players' lives be covered by these men and women? How many articles can a fan read about defensive line depth or the latest "rivalry" game laced with one cliche after another before he tears up the newspaper and screams? (Note: This would be a little harder to do with a Web site) Fans crave a connection with their players and teams, a sense of what the reality of their lives truly are like, yet most coverage of NFL stars makes these players, paradoxically, more remote than they already were before.
That remoteness is ironic now, because the players themselves are tearing down the walls that divide them from fans. With Twitter, Ustream, blogs, and other social media, players are opening up more aspects of their lives than they ever have before. All the while most teams try and tamp down on the personal attention.
Travis has become enamored of several objects, phrases or events which he frequenly references in the column. Among the most frequent:
'Bama Bangs - a term coined by Travis to refer to southern men's hairstyles that feature prominent bangs for no apparent reason. Brodie Croyle and John Parker Wilson are oft-cited violators of 'Bama Bangs rules.
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When Clay Travis, acclaimed author of Dixieland Delight, decided to spend the 2008 season up close and personal with UT football, he—and every other college football aficionado—thought he was in for a rollicking ride with one of the leading contenders for the national title. After all, when the Vols kicked off the season on September 1, the defending SEC East champions were ranked 18th in the country. As head coach Phillip Fulmer prepared for the game, he reflected upon a coaching career that included an astounding 147 victories, two SEC championships, and a national title. With 34 years at UT under his belt as both a player and coach, the Tennessee native had just signed a contract extension that projected to keep him at the university long enough to become the winningest coach in program history.
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There is no college ball more passionate and competitive than football in the Southeastern Conference, where seven of the twelve schools boast stadiums bigger than any in the NFL and 6.5 million fans hit the road every year to hoot and holler their teams to victory.
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The newly favored man is not really a man at all, but a hairless, effeminate, germ-fearing, non-meat-eating, exfoliating, wristband-wearing woman of the worst order. We as men are told that we must embrace the sacred feminine in ourselves, even if it doesn't actually exist, and become the very quintessence of woman, plus penises. This situation is untenable. This trend must stop.
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Clay Travis is the only former student manager in the history of college athletics to marry an NFL cheerleader. He managed to pull this off despite an irrational affinity for the television shows Dawson's Creek and My Super Sweet 16. While being raised in Nashville, Tenn., Travis developed a healthy obsession with college sports and Alyssa Milano. As a teenager his greatest accomplishment was taking a doo-rag wearing Luke Duke (balling as Tom Wopat) to the hole at the Nashville YMCA.
In the midst of a stellar legal career during which he specialized in rewarding the unjust and punishing the oppressed, Travis began writing for CBS Sports's SPiN section in September 2005...
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