Here's some nice easy reading for you as the July 4th weekend approaches. Racial paternalism and college sports. (I've tried to ease it up a little with the snuggie picture.)
Earlier this month, the Wall Street Journal published an investigation that found just 26 major league baseball players and managers have college degrees. Twenty-six! That's out of a pool of a potential 1,042 players and managers. You want that in percentage terms, that's 2.5 percent. A staggeringly low percentage, even if you pull out all Latin American players (who don't have the same collegiate opportunities) from the equation. Yet, I defy you to find an article that utilizes this fact to make an argument that baseball players need better educations.
The same would hold true for tennis, hockey and golf. As a society, we don't care about the education of our athletes in those sports. In fact, what are the only two sports that you hear about when it comes to the education of athletes? Football and basketball. Which just so happen to also have the largest percentage of minority athletes. That's got me wondering, isn't our society guilty of racial paternalism when it comes to sports?
I think so. Put plainly, we don't trust a comparatively small pool of young black kids to make decisions about their professional sports futures, but we don't even blink when thousands of white kids head pro in sports without the slightest bit of education.
If I stacked every article ever written about the necessity of obtaining a college education, how many of them would focus on baseball? Any at all? Just think about it based on your own experience as a sports fan, how many articles have you read about the value of a college education when it comes to basketball and football? It's shocking, right? No one ever -- and I mean ever -- questions the right of kids to sign baseball contracts directly out of high school. No talking heads ever pound their hands into a desk and wax eloquent about the need for a college eduction, millions be damned.
The comments, as always, are already entertaining. My favorite so far, the column has just been up for forty-five minutes, comes from gsan201:
"Pretty much everything this jackbag writes about is race this and race that.YES CLAY is a RACIST,HE justt happenes to be Protected by(Political Correctness)because he HATES on White Anything...IF he can blame a White Person for something,anything HE WILL DO IT.Racistt biggtto is what he is and always will be.He is just nother KEVIN BLACKSTONE. He can't write or come up with a good article so he always wants to stir the pot and Scream RACE WAR,RACE WAR...lol If it wasn't so sad and serious this EVIL GAME that he and his buddies like him PLAY,YOU would think you were watching a SOUTH PARK episode and just think it is low brow humor."
Awesome analysis.
Sincerely, jackbag racist who "HATES on White Anything."
Rivals has a piece up on Evan Berry, younger brother of Eric, committing to play for the Vols. Interestingly enough, there is no part of the article that announces whether or not the UT staff has actually extended an offer. Certainly it wouldn't be a huge surprise if the younger Berry (who happens to be a twin) followed his older brother and father to UT, but is this really worthy of a story?
Particularly since it doesn't include the fact that UT actually offered. The result will be swift, ESPN is, not surprisingly, already running it at the bottom of the ticker. Just more fuel for the Kiffin fire. Even if there is no comment from Kiffin. And, even if, Tennessee can't really comment on the commitment because commenting on recruits is a violation itself.
Just to make LSU fans drool, Evan is a twin. His brother Elliott favors the Vols and LSU.
Note, I saw both brothers on the road this fall at Athens and a UT recruiter told me that both were on track to be as good or better than Eric. As you can tell from the article, the father agrees. We'll see.
Recently, Stanford University unveiled its imaginative new slogan for the upcoming football season. Are you ready? Hold your breath. It's astounding, it's going to rock your world. "We work."
That's it.
The sum total of Stanford's distilled brilliance, the essence of sports. Shakespeare said, "Brevity is the soul of wit," so somewhere he's laughing. Everyone else? They want the athletic department to get a refund check.
What's the only thing dumber than this? Some people in the Silicon Valley think the slogan is offensive to people who are unemployed -- I only wish I was joking. Not offensive to anyone with a working brain, but offensive to the unemployed. Because, let's be honest, the unemployed among us often look to football slogans to offer solace in their time of need. Who among us hasn't been dragging their possessions in a shopping cart, when we've suddenly looked up and seen an athletic billboard that makes everything better? Welcome to the outskirts of Pac-10 football, where stupid and inane marketing slogans are a way of life.
We'll be hosting a book launch party that doubles as a live ClayNation radio show on Tuesday August 18, the actual release date for On Rocky Top. Where? Otter's Chicken Tenders on Demonbreun in Nashville, smack dab in between Dan McGuinness and The Tin Roof.
It's still a decent amount of time away, but it should be really fun and I wanted to let y'all know about it. And if you can't make that we'll be double-barreling the release with a book signing at Davis-Kidd the next evening, Wednesday August 19. More signing announcements to come, we're hitting Memphis, Chattanooga, Birmingham, Oxford, Tuscaloosa, and about fifteen places in Knoxville. Those are the places that are lined up so far.
1. We're revamping the website. It should be completely redone in the next couple of weeks, just in time for the new book and sundry other cool things we're about to announce. (Note, by we, I mean me.)
2. My publisher is insistent that I sign up for a twitter account. So I did it today. Given my ridiculing of the service, I deserve all the slings and arrows of condemnation that you want to send my way. At least I felt like this until I saw that 500 of you who have emailed me in the past year at my gmail account also have your own twitter set-up. You backstabbers.
Anyway, we'll see how this goes. Already, I can't figure out how to sync the twitter feed with the blog. Which defeats the purpose. At least partially.
John Grisham's legal pad was blank and his knees like putty as he approached the judge's bench. Just a few months out of law school in the early 1980s, he had made every rookie mistake imaginable in his first murder trial and now had to give closing arguments.
The judge put his hand over the microphone and asked Grisham whether he needed to vomit.
"I left for the restroom, and I did what I had to do. And I came back and I apologized to the jury for just being there, for even going to law school," Grisham says with the humor that comes from hindsight.
Grisham also bought a thousand copies of his first book and sold them himself on a Mississippi library circuit. Writing books is tough, but I think the process of selling books gets overlooked. It's tougher, much tougher. You head out on the road (if you're lucky), and never know who is going to show up (if anyone is going to show up) for your signings. Honestly, it's pretty humbling. The above link is a pretty good story about that.
By the way, for some reason, I'm no longer allowed to post images on blogger. This is probably good timing to also announce that I'm headed for Washington, D.C. tomorrow for the next ten days, the calm before the book release storm.
Last night, Monday Night Football turned 40. Oh, sure, it won't officially happen until the start of football season, but Hank Williams Jr., dancing girls in tight black spandex, and several hundred of his rowdy friends wearing football jerseys of many colors gathered on a steamy night in Nashville for the filming of the show's introductory song. "Are you ready for some football?!"
Yes, yes, god, yes, we all are. It's boiling hot, every sport but baseball is over, and you're singing to a football-crazy city and state. But after a few thousand versions of the same song, we were also ready for some sleep. And air-conditioning, lots of air-conditioning. There's just one problem.
"Where the hell is Hank?" asks a portly woman in a pink Titans jersey standing beside me.
This is Hank Williams Jr.'s 21st consecutive year as the opening act for Monday Night Football. In 1989, ABC contacted him and asked whether he'd be willing to rework one of his popular songs, "All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight," into a Monday Night Football introductory theme. Williams obliged, and the result was a song that every person in the free world has now heard, "All My Rowdy Friends Are Here On Monday Night."
Now, we're all crowded in a tight semi-circle in the bright lights on the west facade of Nashville's Parthenon. We're all ready for the crowd shots. All we need is Hank.
...
At that exact moment, Hank Williams, Jr. makes his appearance.
19. Hank is wearing a black leather vest over a bright yellow shirt. He has on dark black jeans and a brown cowboy hat. Around his neck, on a black string, hangs what appears to be a mastodon tooth. Either that or a large powder horn for a Confederate musket.
20. The crowd explodes. Hank picks out random people in the crowd and points at them, grins. His voice, redolent of whiskey and cold beers, pours out over us. "Boy, it ain't as hot tonight as it was last night," he says.
"I love you Hank," screams a man, rheumy-eyed, in a white wife-beater and blue jean shorts.
"Amen, brother," Hank growls.
The crowd roars with laughter, exultant over their proximity to Hank.
21. This is not the first time I've seen Hank. One night during law school, around three in the morning, a limo squealed into Printer's Alley in downtown Nashville. My friend, Amir, stood shivering in the night's chill. The door to the limo opened. Hank Williams, Jr. climbed out. "Good god, boy, you must be freezing," he said, whipping off his full-length leather coat and handing it to my friend. "Put this on."
22. Now, on a much hotter night, Hank is holding a guitar and idly strumming the threads. His fingers are covered in sparkling jewels, catching the bright lights and reflecting with dazzling brilliance. "This time it's for real," says the producer.
I've spent the afternoon watching the US and Spain. I know it's unpopular to be Southern and like soccer, but I love watching the games. Particularly with the lack of commercials. Anyway, the US won 2-0 a couple of hours ago. Read about it here. I'm no soccer expert, although I did play in high school and score one goal from fullback for the Martin Luther King Royals.
Couple of things worth noting:
1. Spain hadn't lost a game since November of 2006.
2. The entire second half featured an offensive onslaught that the US kept surviving. It was unbelievable, eerily reminiscent in a football context of the Ravens win over the Titans in the playoffs. The US made two plays the entire game. Both resulted in goals. The rest of the time they were just dodging missiles from Spain.
3. The US is now in Sunday's final against the winner of South Africa and Brazil. I can't wait.
Anyway, there should be a 2k word column going up from me about attending the Monday Night Football intro. filming in Nashville last night. I think it's fairly entertaining. But that's what I worked on this morning.
The first article is Kiffin's quote about singing Rocky Top in Gainesville. The second is a random article from Chris Low about 11 Vol players leaving the program. No clue why that one is up.
You know what could add even more spark to the rivalry? The rumor that Cam Newton has committed to play for the Vols. Yep, Cam of the laptop thievery. Honestly, I think it's getting close to time to hit the panic button on the UT quarterback situation for next season. Right now we have one scholarship quarterback, Nick Stephens.
You know 2009 is the the summer of NCAA violations when sports betting sites take aim at the action. In a sign as momentous as when the residents of Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed (this might be in my mind because I went to see the most epically bad movie of the summer in Year One. Seriously it's awful.), BetUS.com laid action on which school was the most likely to receive the next NCAA violation. NCAA President Myles Brand just broke a crystal gavel in the NCAA corporate offices.
USC leads the pack at 8-1, followed by Ohio State at 9-1, Florida and Ole Miss at 10-1. I think I speak for everyone when I say that Tennessee at 14-1 is an extremely attractive option. And how in the world is Iowa also 14-1, don't you at least have to have good players for penalties to seem likely? Or is that a subtle nod to the slow derailment that has been the Kirk Ferentz era? Regardless, I think we all know what this means, the NCAA enforcement procedure has become such a joke, that we can all have fun with teams breaking the rules. See no evil, hear no evil, fear no evil: Welcome to the 21st Century NCAA.
The Sun-Sentinel has the odds posted. I've included them below for your handicapping analysis.
USC 8-1 Ohio State 9-1 Florida 10-1 Ole Miss 10-1 Florida State 12-1 Michigan State 12-1 Alabama 13-1 Michigan 13-1 Georgia 12-1 Iowa 14-1 Tennessee 14-1 Georgia Tech 14-1 Oklahoma 15-1 Virginia Tech 15-1 Mississippi St. 15-1 Cincinnati 15-1 Texas A & M 15-1 Boston College 16-1 Oklahoma State 17-1 Texas 18-1 Texas Tech 18-1 Missouri 18-1 TCU 20-1 UCLA 20-1 Cal 20-1
Remember back in the day when everybody feared the NCAA? Maybe I was just young and naive but I really think this used to be the case. The NCAA was a group of jack-booted thugs, you didn't want them anywhere near your program. In the early 1980's I remember SEC fans discussing the NCAA's investigation of Florida Gator football with hushed tones. I didn't even know what the NCAA was, but I knew Florida was in real trouble. Florida fans were terrified, the only two words more scary to them than "NCAA investigation" was "citrus freeze."
In one of the all-time great headlines in newspaper history, the Atlanta-Journal Constitution has people everywhere imagining 15 and 16 year old strippers. (Because those never happen.) Thanks to the above headline.
The city of Atlanta requires women be 21 to strip. The Cheetah is challenging that. The city's rationale? Strippers will drink and they aren't old enough to drink. Newsflash, all strippers no matter their age, are doing blow in the back of the strip club. Period. Even the ones "paying for college."
But the city of Atlanta is protecting them from alcohol.
He noted that city officials have never shown why under-21 employees at the Cheetah or other strip clubs were more likely to violate alcohol laws than those at other entertainment venues or taverns where alcohol was sold.
“The government provides no rationale,” Begner said. “There is no good reason, to dance, to perform, to be free.”
Dancers Deanna Willis, Danielle Barbee, Ashlie Startley, Olivia Almeida and Rachel Haxo were all either 19 or 20 years old and performing at the Cheetah when the Atlanta City Council passed the law in October 2007. Because the women had previously paid for city permits — local laws require employees in strip clubs to get special permits — they have been able to continue dancing at the club, but the women won’t be able to perform their craft once their permits expire if they haven’t turned 21, Begner said.
Justices pushed Robinson to explain why city officials believed under-21 workers in nightclubs were more likely to drink alcohol than ones in restaurants or entertainment venues that sold alcohol.
Did you see those awesome names? I did. And I just plugged them all into facebook. Meet Ashlie Startley's profile picture.
I think I speak for everyone when I say, she's a true American hero.
Mark Richt's Wife Goes Back to School To Be a Nurse
You know who is most happy about this? Willie Martinez. Because if she was going back to school to be a defensive coordinator, she'd pass him after a semester. In a curious article that eschews the use of such newfangled grammatical devices as the quotation mark, the Athens Herald-Leader offers a circuitous op-ed piece from Mrs. Richt. Basically she really wants to be a nurse because God wants her to be a nurse. Not to be outdone, Layla Kiffin released a statement saying, "I'm going to continue to be really hot, because God made me really hot."
Right now, I am only taking one online class — Medical Terminology — so I do not have any contact with other students or professors. But I am sure they will see me as any other student — striving to gain the knowledge and understanding I need to be able to be a good nurse.
Although I’m taking one class, I study a lot — two hours a day or more if I need to. I think it has been good for our children to see that I am willing to work hard to get good grades.
(Note, for purposes of this post the role of Katharyn Richt will be played by Ashton Main's cleavage.)
LenDale White vs. The City of Pittsburgh: A Primer on Sports Hate
Monday, June 22, 2009
Let's be honest, there are few things more entertaining in sports than when an athlete is absolutely despised by a city. And I don't mean despised in the Michael Jordan-tears-out-Cleveland's-heart-with-a-wooden-spoon level hate. That's rooted in Jordan's superhuman play on the field.
I mean on a level like LenDale White stomping on the Terrible Towel and refusing to apologize -- where the entire city is outraged at one particular player.
For those of you who don't remember, the Tennessee Titans played the Pittsburgh Steelers in the next-to-last game of the regular season last year. The Titans won 31-14 to lock up home-field advantage throughout the playoffs, and LenDale White celebrated by stomping on a Terrible Towel on the sideline.
The citizens of Pittsburgh reacted with outrage. White remains unrepentant, telling ESPN's Paul Kuharsky: "I'm a professional towel stomper. My nickname is LenDale 'The Towel Stomping' White. I've seen the big Ben Roethlisberger sandwich on TV. So if anybody wants to freeze it and send one over, I'll be more than happy to eat it."
At least White has never had weight issues or the reputation of being willing to eat anything.
But White's refusal to back down from the towel stomping is exactly what we need to make the environment as electric as possible when Tennessee visits Pittsburgh in Week 1. It brings to mind other instances when an athlete has been hated by the opposing fans.
Think Dennis Rodman in Utah after his comments about Mormons, J.D. Drew in Philadelphia after his spurning of the Phillies, or Chipper Jones in New York (naming his daughter, Shea, really?). The kind of hate that ferments, that's personal, something that goes directly to the heart of the city and makes people so angry they can't utter your name without including a seven-letter expletive that begins with the letter "f" -- think Boston's reaction to Bucky (blanking) Dent.
I thought I remembered at least one incident involving Dwayne Goodrich and bad behavior at UT. He was arrested for disorderly conduct while police reported he was intoxicated. May change some opinions.
From the article:
Goodrich was arrested at 2:20 a.m. Sunday at Rocky Top Market. He was released from the Knox County Detention Center at 8:45 a.m. after posting bond several hours later.
A police report said Goodrich was intoxicated and, when asked to leave the store, became loud and threatened to hurt officers.
Coach Phillip Fulmer told The Tennessean he was aware of the arrest, but had no comment. In the past, Fulmer has suspended players for disorderly conduct.
Does this change opinions? Probably not, but it does show that Goodrich has had issues with alcohol before. Of course, if you went to college and haven't ever had issues with alcohol, you probably don't read me very often and weren't very fun in college. Now getting arrested is a step beyond issues, but I'm not sure what it shows, you'd have to know how prevalent drinking was for Goodrich while he was at UT. Based on the guys I talked with, he wasn't a huge drinker.
Gametime for Tennessee's First Two Games, Western Kentucky and UCLA
I'm not 100% sure of these because they haven't been publicly announced yet, but I'm close enough to include them here. I believe the correct term is "blog certainty."
The Western Kentucky game is slated for the old hated JP/LF/Raycom 12:30 telecast. Meaning it will be boiling hot on September 5.
Meanwhile the UCLA game, which I'll explain later why I think is the most important game of the season, is set for a 4 eastern kickoff.
That means that Tennessee will move both games from traditional night kickoffs (UT schedules home games in September for night because of the temperature but will adjust for television.)
CBS has already announced the start time for UT-Florida. So all three games will be broiling hot. Meaning the team better be in damn good shape.
Apologies for the vanishing act so far today, I got wrapped up in the US Open and also have been working on a 1,500 word piece about LenDale White's towel-stomping that should go up on FanHouse this afternoon.
On Oct. 19, 1998, the St. Louis Rams' Leonard Little drove his Lincoln Navigator through a red light and crashed into a car driven by a 47-year-old mother. Later tests confirmed his blood alcohol level was .19, more than twice the legal limit in the state of Missouri. The next day the mother died.
On Jan. 14, 2003 Dallas Cowboys cornerback Dwayne Goodrich spent a night out with friends at a local strip club. At two in the morning, he hopped on the interstate. That night a car caught on fire on that same interstate and three good Samaritans rushed to aid the motorist caught inside. Goodrich struck all three, killing two.
On March 14, 2009 Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte Stallworth struck and killed a pedestrian in Miami Beach while driving his Bentley at 7:15 in the morning. Stallworth had been out drinking the night before and blood tests later confirmed he was impaired at the time of the accident.
What do all three of these men share in common besides being NFL players who have killed others while operating vehicles? They all played collegiate football for the University of Tennessee.
The trio represent a dark stain on the University of Tennessee's football program. And it leaves some wondering whether there was a culture of alcohol tolerance that aided in the later crimes, whether the players learned in Knoxville that the law didn't apply to them.
Their teammates, all of whom requested their names not be used, dispute the notion. "Alcohol was there, but it wasn't there any more than at any other college. I think it's a coincidence that this happened, 100 percent coincidental," says one.
If so, it's a coincidence that strains the bounds of credulity .On opening day 2008, 38 Tennessee Volunteer football players were on National Football League rosters. Six years ago, Goodrich was also in the NFL. By the spring of 2009, two of those 38, along with Goodrich, had combined to kill three men and one woman while driving a car. In 1998, the year of Little's conviction, 16,673 people died in alcohol related traffic accidents. By 2003, the year of Goodrich's crime, 17,013 motorists lost their lives to alcohol related accidents.
I was so overwhelmed by the freakishness of this coincidence that I contacted a math PhD at the University of Maryland, Chris Shaw, to run a statistical analysis for me. Below I've incorporated his data. Taking as a rough base the 300 million people who live in America and selecting 17,000 as the baseline number of victims, that means every year each of us has a .005667 percent chance of becoming a victim of an impaired driver.
But since all three men were drivers, not the victims, we need to adjust down to the roughly 220 million drivers in the country. And we have to assume that all of these people have a roughly equal chance of making the same mistake as Little, Goodrich, and Stallworth. Running these numbers again for an 11 year period (the length of time these accidents occurred), we discover that around .0052 percent of us would make that mistake.
Now shrink that pool of eligible drivers to around 175 scholarship football players from Tennessee over the six years from 1995 to 2001 and run the numbers to see what the odds are that three men would make this same mistake. To say it defies the laws of probability is an understatement. There's a .016 percent statistical chance of this actually happening. Or, flipping the numbers, a 99.984 percent chance of it never happening.
White talked of his long history of stomping towels.
"I'm a professional towel stomper," White said. "My nickname is LenDale 'The Towel Stomping' White. I've seen the big Ben Roethlisberger sandwich on TV. So if anybody wants to freeze it and send one over, I'll be more than happy to eat it."
This game is still three months away. I can't wait to see what happens.
Some of you complained because this video was taken down. Now it's back. My new favorite part is the scene where Coach O climbs down off the chair, vanishes for an instant, and then starts jumping. I can't explain why I love this, I just do.
By the way, I've been gone for a couple of days because I've been working on a 2,000 word epic for FanHouse. It should be up later this afternoon.
Jodie Meeks Could Return To Kentucky If He Isn't Drafted
According to someone at something called WKYT (I'm assuming that's a Lexington television station), Jodie Meeks can return to Kentucky if he isn't drafted in the NBA's two rounds. Per his analysis.
DeWayne Peevy, UK's Assistant Athletics Director for Media Relations, says the NCAA allows players to return to school, as long as that player doesn't do anything to jeopardize his/her amateur status.
In the NCAA Manual, you'll find the answer in Rule 12.2.4.2.1, which is the exception rule for basketball players who enter a pro draft.
"An enrolled student-athlete in basketball may enter a professional league's draft one time during his or her collegiate career without jeopardizing eligibility in that sport, provided the student-athlete is not drafted by an team in that league and the student-athlete declares his or her intention to resume intercollegiate participation within 30 days after the draft. The student-athlete's declaration of intent shall be in writing to the institution's director of athletics."
So, in a nutshell, Meeks CAN return to play for the Wildcats, provided he isn't drafted, doesn't sign any contracts, whether with an agent or for any endorsements, for which he will be paid, and writes Mitch Barnhart a letter asking for reinstatement to UK. All of this must happen within a 30-day time frame.
Doesn't this have to be the dumbest rule on earth? You aren't considered to have jeopardized your NCAA status if you announce you're going pro and every single team has a chance to draft you? Let me reiterate you can declare for the NBA Draft, go through said draft but no team chooses to select you, then you can return to play in that sport?
I can't even fathom how this is permissible. This isn't even a loophole, it's a hole that swallows the intent of the rule.
Meeks will probably get drafted, but if it gets towards the end of the draft, I hope he gets taken with the last pick in the second round.
Surrounded on all sides by challengers, Meyer has revealed himself to be a prickly champion, more cantankerous in victory than defeat. As Meyer's victories have piled up he's been quick to overreact to any perceived antagonists, be they in the coaching ranks, Lane Kiffin, or in the ranks of Gators past, Shane Matthews. Now he seems fixated on what he believes is a misperception about the Gator football team, namely that they're all thugs. He's marshaled the tremendous might of Florida Gator public relations. Unfortunately, they flubbed the talking points. "The 24 arrests," one talking point states, "represent 19 different players." Whew! That's a relief.
Later Gator PR helpfully broke down the arrests by recruiting class:
"Eight in first class Seven in second class Two in third class One in fourth class None in fifth class"
Did they really need to include the fifth class? Those players signed in February. Most of them have been on campus for a week or two at most. A few of them hadn't even graduated from high school yet when this statement was released. For the love of God, give them some time!
By the way, the opening scene where Mays is crawling on the ground and peaks in the door during the practice session. Why is it cool if he does it, but if you or did I did it we'd be arrested.
According to Michael David Smith over at FanHouse, the Johnson family is furious. Probably because, as is usually the case, The Onion succeeds in proving how many dumb people there are on the planet.
Honestly, this video is about 2 minutes too long. I wish The Onion just put up people reacting to this story.
Chad Withrow and I will be discussing NCAA fines, Notre Dame television, and more. Should be fun. Listen live online here or listen on 104.5 in the Nashville area.
He's got Kentucky at 7, Tennessee at 8, Miss. State at 12 and South Carolina at 23. Relatively new names on the dance floor? How about Cal at 11 or Tulsa at 21. And while they've been successful for several years in a row, it's nice to see Butler and Siena crack the list.
I think Vandy will be a top 25 team this year as well. Like I've said, don't sleep on what John Jenkins is going to bring to that team. They were 8-8 last year, should be a minimum of 10-6 in conference this year.
What the returning talent shows is that the SEC should be a step up next year, the Big East should be out of the stratosphere, (just four top 25 teams), and the Big Ten should be much improved.
But what about Florida? They're going to be the fifth best team in the SEC East. It's unbelievable how far they've fallen. Did you ever think they would follow up back-to-back national championships with this much mediocrity?
I wrote about vacated wins last week. I do think they matter. Ask Alabama whether they matter or not if Tennessee manages to pass them in the next couple of years to become the all-time winningest college football program in the SEC. (Post vacation Alabama leads by 2 wins.) But I think fines are absolute crap. Mainly because they're too low. Here's the column.
"Last week, the NCAA's Committee on Infractions brought the "hammer" down on Alabama. They vacated wins, turned a lampshade askew in the football offices, fined the University for the improprieties related to the textbook scandal, and turned the windshield wipers on Nick Saban's Mercedes so they pointed towards the sky. Up instead of down! Oh, snap. The NCAA got straight crazy up in the joint. Oh, and the fine the multi-billion dollar NCAA levied? Try $43,900. That's less than it costs a parent to send their kid to Vanderbilt.
I'm sure Alabama is trembling deep beneath the brim of their houndstooth hats. Especially given that Alabama had total athletic department revenue of $88.9 million in 2007-2008. What's the NCAA penalty for major infractions represent within the context of Alabama's overall budget? Try .0004938 of the overall total. Let's put that in a context to which we can all relate. The median family in America makes around $47,000 a year. What would that same percentage mean to them if they were fined? A $23.20 penalty. Or about one-tenth what a speeding ticket will end up costing you these days. Yep, the NCAA isn't even as strict as a traffic cop.
A few months ago, I moderated a panel of NCAA and college officials at Vanderbilt Law School. There was an NCAA attorney, a past member of the NCAA infractions committee, the acting head of an SEC athletic department, and an attorney who appears before the infractions committee on a regular basis. Near the end of the panel session, I asked a question that I think is representative of the feelings of an average college fan:
"Many fans believe that the NCAA acts as a glorified traffic cop in this day and age, randomly pulling over a program every now and then for speeding when everyone else is flying by at the same time."
Now I feel like I was too kind, the NCAA isn't even as onerous as your average traffic cop. So apologies to traffic cops across America, even though I hate you and believe you're worthless, you're more effective than the NCAA."
1. Texas - $72.95 million 2. Georgia - $67.05 million 3. Florida - $66.1 million 4. Ohio State - $65.16 million 5. Notre Dame - $59.77 million 6. Auburn - $59.67 million 7. Michigan - $57.46 million 8. Alabama - $57.37 million 9. Penn State - $53.76 million 10. LSU - $52.68 million
Overall revenues:
1. Texas - $120.3 million 2. Ohio State - $118 million 3. Florida - $106 million 4. Michigan - $99 million 5. Wisconsin - $93.5 million 6. Penn State - $91.6 million 7. Auburn - $89.3 million 8. Alabama - $88.9 million 9. Tennessee - $88.7 million 10. Oklahoma State - $88.6 million
As I noted in the Notre Dame article posted today, the Irish will fall out of the top ten in football revenue in the next couple of years. Why? Auburn, Alabama, and LSU all aren't counting their additional television revenue yet. Nor is Michigan able to bank the luxury boxes they added to their stadium. All four are behind them. As is Tennessee which will also surge past the Golden Domers in football.
As for overall revenues, any surprises? Oklahoma State above Oklahoma was one for me. Same with Auburn over Alabama. And I'll be honest, I didn't think Wisconsin was that high either.
By the way, how in the world can Georgia make that much from football and then still not be ranked in the top ten overall? what are they doing at the rest of the athletic department?
"It's something that we've done often with different members of the community, to give them a perspective of our job and what it entails," Gainesville Police Lt. Keith Kameg said. "I think it will be a positive experience for the players that participate."
Kameg said Florida coach Urban Meyer has reached out to Gainesville police throughout his tenure in an effort to make his players aware of the consequences of breaking the law. Despite Meyer's efforts, Florida players have had 24 run-ins with law enforcement during his four years as UF coach.
Donte Stallworth Gets 30 Days For Killing Man While Drunk
And you don't even have to like Mike Vick to think this is absurd, do you? Stallworth, you'll recall, became the third University of Tennessee Vol to kill a man while driving a car in the past five years. He joined the illustrious ranks of Dwayne Goodrich and Leonard Little. A trio that has to be unequaled by any other university in the history of collegiate all-star vehicular homicide connection. Now Stallworth's deal is public.
Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte' Stallworth was sentenced to serve 30 days in jail after pleading guilty in Florida to a DUI manslaughter charge.
The plea deal announced Tuesday calls for the 28-year-old Stallworth to also serve 10 years' probation and perform 1,000 community service hours for hitting and killing 59-year-old construction worker Mario Reyes with his car. Stallworth had faced up to 15 years in prison.
Stallworth also reached a confidential financial settlement with the Reyes' family. A person close to the negotiations told The Association Press about the agreement on the condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to talk about the deal.
The person said the agreement will avoid a potential wrongful death lawsuit from Reyes' family.
Tonight is ClayNation radio and I'll go ahead and tip you off on one topic, how the hell did Mike Vick do 15x as much jail time as Stallworh.
Notre Dame Television Contract Now Pays Less Than Vandy and Northwestern's
Several of you emailed after we had a decent discussion about this on ClayNation radio a couple of weeks ago. Now I've had the time to break down the numbers and confirm what I already suspected, the Fighting Irish are getting lapped by the Big Ten and the SEC when it comes to television revenue. Read about it here. Excerpt below.
In 1990, Notre Dame signed a glitzy football television contract with NBC. The deal revolutionized college athletics and brought millions into Notre Dame's bank account. It was a huge financial windfall that guaranteed the Fighting Irish would remain independent from other conferences.
Chances are, you still think that Notre Dame is banking major revenue from this agreement in comparison to other teams. Chances are, you're wrong. What do Vanderbilt and Northwestern have in common when it comes to football? Answer: They likely both get more money for their televised football games than Notre Dame does. As does every other team in the Big Ten and the SEC.
Notre Dame doesn't release their finances publicly, but there is zero doubt that a colossal rewriting of collegiate athletics has occurred in the 19 years since the Irish and NBC first became television partners. How has this happened? Television has a voracious appetite and hours of programming to fill. Bundling and selling a major conference to ESPN's network of properties, as the SEC has done, or creating their own network while selling some games to ESPN, as the Big Ten has done, is more valuable now than selling one great property, like Notre Dame football. In college sports, the whole is truly greater than its parts.
The Obama picture is because I couldn't bring myself to download a photo of Charlie Weis. We all have our standards.
One other thing, Notre Dame brought in the fifth most money from football last year. But if you look closely at the numbers you see that they're likely to fall to 9th this year. That fall will continue each year for the foreseeable future. Mostly because of television money rising the boat of many schools beneath them such as Auburn, LSU, Alabama, and Tennessee.
Courtesy of reader Brian M. comes the following screen grabs and this email.
Clay,
I'm sitting here watching the ARK vs. LSU baseball game and apparently they had a JP/LF/Raycom moment. They switched to the wrong camera and for a full 30 seconds the camera was situated on Erin Andrews' ass....and what a fine ass it is.
Let me see, ass to the first power, carry the blue shirt, yep that's Erin Andrews from behind.
This might be the consolation prize for the Great Wall of Vagina's defense in 2009. YOu know at some point Meeks was sitting around in his apartment thinking, "But, man, I already got 54. What more can I do?" And, you know what, he's right. Anyway, here's the link to the article.
Meeks says he accomplished a lot at Kentucky. Which is true, I guess. If by "a lot" you mean, "won a single NCAA Tournament game and scored a lot of points one year out of three but in that one year my team didn't make the NCAA Tourney since 1991."
Anyway, thus ends the string of consecutive good luck for Kentucky basketball. We'll see, it's shaping up to be Tennessee's experience vs. Kentucky's talent. I know, Tennessee experience is basically an oxymoron.
Like I said last week, I think the three best teams in the SEC next year will be Tennessee, Kentucky, and Vandy. Should be interesting.
Coach O Pumps Up the Ladies At the UT Football Camp For Women
If there is a more entertaining football video on Youtube than this, I haven't seen it. It has everything:
1. Coach O jumping up and down while screaming incoherently.
2. Awkward, middle aged Southern women bouncing uncomfortably while worrying about messing up their hair.
3. Monte Kiffin in the left corner as the doors swing open grinning like a wizened World War II veteran.
4. I believe everyone is chanting, "War Time, Take it Outside."
Or something. Honestly, you're probably not even reading this. This is a comedic pyramid built on pure gold bullion. Sometimes you just stare. The Mona Lisa doesn't have artistic analysis directly beneath it. Neither should the Mona O.
Until then, I'm away from the computer for most of the day. More this weekend. Listen live here at 5 central. Should be entertaining radio with Willie and Darren.
2005 Middle Tennessee Southern Miss South Carolina Arkansas Florida Mississippi Tennessee Utah State Mississippi State Texas Tech (Cotton Bowl)
2006 Hawai'i Vanderbilt Louisiana-Monroe Duke Ole Miss Florida International.
2007 Western Carolina Vanderbilt Arkansas Houston Mississippi
Yep, Tennessee 2007 is Alabama's only recorded win. But at least they can't count 2005 anymore. To be fair, neither team should be able to count that game.
Now, the distinction between a vacated win and a forfeit is something of a metaphysical NCAA mystery. Alabama doesn't win games, but their opponent doesn't either. What a mess. Only an NCAA rule would even allow a vacated win category to exist. It's like the games never happened at all for one side? How does this make any sense at all? As a result every school will have a lopsided record book with Alabama, the opponent counts the loss on their books but Alabama can't count the win.
Ultimately though, fans and players die, records don't. That's why, if you're an intelligent college football fan, you should care about wins being vacated. Even if vacated wins are a weird NCAA construction. In fact, and I may be in the minority on this, I'd rather give up a few scholarships in the future than have to give up the wins my team actually garnered on the field.
Some other things to ponder as the probation dust settles:
Who Actually Won the Florida State-Alabama game in 2007?
On the field, Florida State won 21-14 on Sept. 27, 2007, but now Florida State is supposed to vacate this win. So Alabama lost this game but Florida State didn't win it. Imagine the metaphysical mystery of this game if Florida State was forced to forfeit. Then they'd try to give the win to Alabama but Alabama couldn't take it. Seriously, vacating wins makes my head spin.
Legal Issue: Coaching Contracts and Wins Clauses
What happens if a coach isn't implicated in any wrongdoing, but his wins are stripped and as a result his contract hits a snag when it comes to negotiating a required pay increase tied to wins? Can you retroactively take back the pay increase? Has litigation like this ever ensued? What about when it sets off a triggering mechanism in other coaching contracts? Like if a coach's contract requires him to be among the top three highest paid coaches and someone passes him with a record that later gets vacated? Can you imagine the legal complexities since so many coaching contracts are intertwined now? It makes my head swim just thinking about it.
No One Wins?
On the vacating of wins, only the NCAA would design a system where teams can manage to lose a game that no one wins. That's what happens for anyone who lost to Alabama during this time frame. According to the NCAA:
To record vacancies for regular season contests, the wins but not the losses of the penalized team are dropped from its overall record. This affects season records, all-time records and coaches' records. ... All records that are changed should be asterisked with the footnote stating something to the effect of "Later vacated by NCAA action."
The won-lost records for each of the opposing teams are not changed when games are vacated.
So doesn't this change the record books for the teams and put them on two different tracks in the series history? Yep. For instance, Tennessee gives Alabama credit for a win that Alabama can't claim? And maybe two wins. So Tennessee has the series record all-time as Alabama with one or two more wins than Alabama has themselves having. How does this make any sense at all? It's like being a little bit pregnant. Somewhere Mike Shula is kicking things. As if his era of Alabama football didn't look bad already, they are taking away some of his wins. From his best year as a coach? Ouch.
Fortunately the NCAA offers this helpful note:
It is suggested schools and conferences denote such games by using an asterisk and a footnote, but continue to list the actual contest results.
Crystal clear.
Repeat Offenders
This puts Alabama in the system for five years as an NCAA violator. Meaning any additional penalties they might face would be looked at even more stringently. This is perhaps the most lasting danger to the Crimson Tide. Maybe by then the NCAA website will stand up to the site traffic.
Now Jodie Meeks is the only big time SEC player yet to announce. Given Tyler's return the Great Wall of Vagina will remain intact (hymen preserved or is that too graphic?). Regardless, this means it's likely to be Cal vs. Pearl for the SEC Title next year. And in a shocker, I think Vandy's going to be the third best team in the SEC next year. I know it's early and a bit of a wacky flier, but John Jenkins will be a stud and Vandy returns everyone else. So the SEC East should be fun.
Parting gift for the Vols? Fulmer adds another victory over the Crimson Tide to his resume and rocks himself up to 153 career wins. There will be more on this Thursday (supposedly), but this is starting to get pretty interesting.
I don't think it's a stretch to say this is the first one-act play to ever double as a sports column. Click here for the full column. Below is the opening.
... Alabama fans are tailgating outside of a new play based on Bear Bryant's life. Which is an improvement over what they would have been doing if Mike Shula was still coach, lighting themselves on fire with their red and white pom-pons in the parking lot. The play, entitled Bear Country, will be playing at Birmingham's Shakespeare Festival from August 6-20. It's already debuted to rave reviews and sellouts in Montgomery, Ala.
In honor of the Bear, I decided that nothing would make more sense than a play about four fans tailgating before Bear's play begins. So here goes.
Characters:
Dale -- A 45-year old owner of an auto-body repair shop who fixes cars while wearing a houndstooth cap. His first child was named Bear, his second was named Bryant. He is now divorced.
Bryant -- The 21-year-old son of Dale. Enrolled at Alabama for one semester but left to focus on wakeboarding and selling pot.
Chris -- A 42-year-old Alabama fan who operates a wrecker at Dale's repair shop. Never married. Secretly keeps a shirtless photo of Nick Saban in his bedroom.
Raj --- Indian immigrant from Mumbai who owns a gas station next door to Dale. He has lived in Alabama for 28 years and currently roots for Auburn although he "likes Alabama too." Scene: All four men are sitting in crimson folding chairs outside of Dale's crimson red F-150 with vanity plates that read "Bamaboyz." Each man is holding a beer as the final hour before the play nears.
Dale: This play's gonna be so awesome. Awesome, man! I almost went to a play once but it was called "Jesus Christ Superstar" it was anti-religion.
Raj: What about the play was anti-religion?
Chris: Raj, you wouldn't get why it was so offensive. See, Jesus is not a Superstar, he's Jesus. Which is so much more than being a superstar. Like, would you go see a play that was called Hindu Is a Superstar?"
All That and a Bag of Mail: Grape Stomping Edition
Charles M. writes:
Clay,
If you've used the internet for anything other than looking at porn then you know the grape lady. Jimmy Traina at si.com recently made a tribute to the video, including this link with information about where she is now. She survived. She is in Albany doing the weather and a closer look at her bio reveals that she got her degree in meteorology from Mississippi State.
Miss. State meteorology, you can't run, you can't hide, eventually they take over your airwaves too.
Josh S. writes:
C'lay,
I just finished reading your article in regards to people overlooking the arrests at Florida because we've won a lot of games. To be honest, I agree with your basic premise. I hate seeing our guys arrested, as it reflects poorly on the program and the school. Personally, I wish every one of our guys acted like Tebow off the field.
And I know that the typical Gator fan response goes something like this: "It's my duty to point out the real reason that no one has really put media pressure on the Gators and Urban Meyer for some of the terrible off-field displays. And here's the thing -- it doesn't have as much to do with Tim Tebow as you might think. It has to do with the fact that players that are arrested for doing abhorrent things are removed from the team.
Think about the 4 guys you mentioned specifically in the article (Jamar Hornsby, Jacques Rickerson, Cameron Newton, Ronnie Wilson); what did they have in common? They did extremely bone-headed things, and were swiftly kicked off the team due to their lack of discipline. Ronnie Wilson was a special exception. He was kicked off the team for one year (and thus removed from the scholarship roll), but would be allowed to return to the team after that one year (still without a scholarship) if he met a strict list of requirements set forth by Meyer. After initially complying with these requirements, Wilson screwed up again and was removed permanently from the team, having never started a game for the Gators.
Plus, 2/3 of those arrested were recruited by Zook, 5 of the arrests were for traffic violations, and charges were dropped in 9 of the arrest cases. Rival fans only see what they want to see, and they'll do anything to rationalize why the Gators are evil and diminish how much we've won lately."
I guess this bothers me more than many of my fellow fans. I understand their reasoning and realize that not every arrest is quite as bad as it may seem on the surface. But some of them are that bad, and many of them are worse.
So what's the solution, not just at Florida, but at all schools? Would it help if coaches were allowed more contact with the players during the off-season, when most of the arrests occur? Should players, who are still college students, not be allowed to go out like their non-athlete peers? Is it even possible to win big in a violent sport without recruiting guys who have the potential for violent (or, at the very least, stupid) off-the-field behavior?
As much as I feel the need to point out the individual circumstances surrounding these arrests when chatting with rival fans, I can't help but look at the total number of arrests and be ashamed. Is there a solution, or is this really the price of winning?
Here's my solution, admittedly this would require action from the administrators, I'd put the arrests of athletes in the context of the larger student body. In other words, I'd want to know whether male athletes are more likely to be arrested than male students at the school. I'd break it down by program. Then I'd present this information to the coaches and tell them things were going to have to change.
I'd decide on a baseline number that each program should strive to beat (it would be better than the undergrad population at large), then I'd publicly release that information and institute my own punishments against the coaching staff if they failed to meet these goals.
What if you pegged, say, assistant coaching salary raises to this number?
I'd call a press conference and lay out all the details. I wouldn't hide behind a lack of data. And I'd say if fans don't care, I do care, because I'm an administrator at an institution of higher learning. And that, if things don't changes, sooner or later another student is going to end up dead because of a culture that doesn't punish athletes on campus.
I'd use these numbers as a teaching opportunity to go after arrests in general. As is, and I've been talking about this for a pretty decent amount of time, I still don't think we have a great context for whether athletes are getting into trouble much more frequently than "regular" students.
Anyway, that would be my idea if I were a college administrator. I think putting these arrest numbers in the context of the student population at large is imperative. Right now we just really don't know how much athletes misbehave relative to their peer groups, we just hear about it a lot more.
C'ade writes:
Hey C'lay,
FYI
I was perusing the roster of a summer program I'm working with and came across T'era. I've never seen this, but a quick facebook search came up with several other T'eras. Some male, some female.
If your name is T'era and you're male, can we all agree that your life is over? I mean, seriously, how much do your parents hate you?
This is nothing compared to M'leigh.
Phillip Blankenship writes:
Your recent article on Coach Calipari was a real joke......that was not funny. Your questioning about would you want your 18 yr old daughter to date Patrick Patterson had serious racial meaning to it in my opinion.I mean he's not an older guy,he's not a thug,he is a model citizen.....who is black. I have forwarded this to people who should have a stronger opinion.......maybe like Al Sharpton. I do know most on message boards consider it as racial,nothing else.
I don't even know where to begin here. First, nice punctuation. Second, the accusation of "racial meaning" is racist. Because it assumes that there are no black, Hispanic, or Asian Kentucky fans who can turn over their daughters. Which is, of course, a racist assumption. Third, presumably Phillip is okay with a white Kentucky player such as Jared Carter receiving every 18 year olds daughter. Or not. I'm honestly not sure what he means. Just that he has a problem with black people sleeping with (presumed) white women.
Which is why I said that the children would have good height. I thought that would clear everything up.
Anyway, I responded to Phillip and told him that Al Sharpton was my cousin. I still haven't heard back from him.
Josh B. writes:
I've discovered a new word that I think might be of some interest to you.
pogonophile n: One who loves beards.
If there ever was a pogonophile, you sir, would be that man.
Found it reading this article on beards in the Gainesville Sun. It is from a more "hipster" perspective, and there are a few heresies, such as glorifying Fu-Manchus and goatees, but it makes some good points as well. I am very disappointed that he made no Pogonophilia comments.. I think that was a definite wasted opportunity.
The best paragraphs from the article:
But according to Wikipedia, the most reliable source of information I know of, beards have had a long, bristly life even outside of our hairy city.
It states that throughout history, beards have been associated with wisdom, sexual virility and high social status, which I did not need Wikipedia to tell me. It also says men with beards are ascribed attributes like “filthiness, crudeness, or an eccentric disposition, such as in the case of a bum, hobo or vagrant,” though that last part is without citation and, I feel, wholly unfounded.
Good stuff, I'm off to continue my car buying dance. We're close to making a purchase. But now we have to deal with the arrival of all the rabble for the Country Music festival. It's impossible to drive anywhere downtown.
To add a little nostalgia, the Birmingham performances are being sponsored by Coca-Cola and Golden Flake, which also sponsored Bryant’s popular Sunday afternoon television shows. The shows, which featured Bryant drinking Coke and eating Golden Flake potato chips while narrating replays of the previous day’s game, are recreated in the play.
As he did in Montgomery, veteran ASF actor Rodney Clark will play the adult Bryant. The play takes place on what is supposed to be a retiring Bryant’s last day in his Tuscaloosa office. The coach reflects on his life, including how he got his nickname by wrestling a carnival bear. When he retired in 1982, Bryant had won more games than any major college coach in America.
Clark said he was apprehensive about portraying a man who is still beloved by Bama fans. But the audience reaction changed that.
“The show turned into one of the most fun plays I’ve done in my life,” Clark said. “On opening night we had 20 of his former players in the audience and they just loved it.”
Clark said the atmosphere during the play’s run in Montgomery often resembled a football Saturday outside a stadium, rather than a theater that in recent years has staged high tragedies like “Othello” and “Macbeth.”
“We had people tailgating. For a theater to have people tailgating, that’s a dream,” Clark said.
I'm going to write about this later today at FanHouse, but for now I'm just going to allow it to marinate. The tailgating detail is extraordinary.
Last summer, the SEC signed a new $2.25 billion television rights deal with ESPN. The amount was staggering. ESPN is now on the hook for $150 million per year for the next 15 years. Now we know that every SEC football game will be televised on the network's broadcast partners, infinitely more basketball games will arrive on the network, and sundry lesser sports will also be featured.
It's a deal of tremendous implications that catapults SEC sports coverage into the realm of professional sports. What's been left unexamined is how this will change ESPN's news coverage of the league, and how that resulting coverage is going to make the SEC the de facto national college league of choice. Why? Because ESPN has spent so much money on the rights packages, the SEC has to be front and center.
Don't believe me? It's already happening.
Just take a look at Tennessee football and Kentucky basketball. Since Lane Kiffin's hire, Tennessee has soaked up all the world's supply of college football news. For several days in mid-May, five of the top 10 college football storise on ESPN.com were Tennessee features. Last week, six of 10 were Kentucky basketball stories. That means, for a while, Tennessee and Kentucky, just two programs out of the more than 450 combined top-division basketball and football teams, were receiving over half of ESPN's news coverage. In the process, ESPN has already set about making national figures of Kiffin and John Calipari.
You'll love these guys or you'll hate these guys, but no matter what you'll have an opinion.
And ESPN has picked two major figures that already have national profiles outside of the South to help drive ratings across the country. Coach Cal is very well known on the East Coast thanks to his tour of duty at UMass and his turn as head coach of the New Jersey Nets.
Similarly, Kiffin is well known to sports fans on the west coast. He's got the sexy USC connection in Los Angeles, he's got a messy NFL divorce in Oakland, and now he's come South to take the helm of one of the SEC's most storied programs. Bang, you get two coaches with national renown on different coasts who ESPN can feature as lightning rods for national stories.
All of a sudden, a region's rivalries have become a nation's, as fans everywhere are being indoctrinated into the characters of SEC sports. Love them or hate them, you have an opinion of these two men. And if you have an opinion, you're more likely to tune into the sporting contests, making the upcoming seasons at Tennessee and Kentucky of national interest.
ClayNation Radio Today at Otter's Chicken Tenders Murfreesboro
Tomorrow we're venturing out of the comforts of the 104.5 studio to do a live show during Game 3 of the NBA Finals at Otter's Chicken Tenders Murfreesboro. It's at 1970 Medical Center Parkway. We'll be there from 7-9 tonight. Drinks are 2 for 1, food discounted, it should be a good time. I'll plan on seeing some of you there.
Hopefully you'll look like Jessica Biel from behind.
I have a column going up soon on FanHouse. I'm out of the house today car shopping. Will be back later in the afternoon.
Two weeks ago, Jeremy Shockey was rolled out of the Hard Rock Casino's "Rehab" pool party on a stretcher suffering from "dehydration," which is basically a sanitized hospital euphemism for "ridiculously wasted." This weekend, Shockey returned to Saints practice and addressed the issue.
"You know what they say, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas," Shockey told reporters at the Saints training facility. "That's the past. I'm looking forward to the future."
Predictably, the New Orleans news media fell all over themselves to pat Shockey on the back for his outlandish wit. Did you see what he did there? He took an advertising slogan and made it his own! That is totally awesome.
Or not. At all.
Hopefully this quote signals the death knell for the Las Vegas ad campaign that's merely a trademarked cliche that Cancun party planners have been chanting since at least way back in the '99. I remember one of those 33-year-old fat party planners in the Kangol hat, goatee and Nick Van Exel jersey striding up and down on the stage in Cancun, alternating bon mots, "Whatever happens on spring break, stays on spring break!" he called.
The college crowd, surfing beneath him in a mosh pit of foam, went wild. Even if, you know, none of us could see because our eyes were burning from the foam. Later, he'd go back to the comedic well, "Whatever happens in Cancun, stays in Cancun!" he'd scream. Presumably, one of my fellow spring break travelers jotted down this phrase and recycled it for an advertising meeting in later life.
Thanks to the trademarking of a phrase that had entered the popular lexicon almost a decade before, he's now worth millions and being quoted by Shockey to justify his hospitalization. Meanwhile, the guy in the Kangol hat who helped popularize the phrase is probably selling Alaskan lobster boat tours to Carnival cruise ship passengers. Winner? Spring break trademarker. Sometimes it pays well to steal what already exists in plain sight."
By the way, The Hangover, how awful is the groom in the movie? If he hadn't spent the whole movie missing, he would have singlehandedly killed the movie. They might as well have cast me play the groom for all the charisma this guy brought to the role.
You'll remember the honorable congresswoman (and Gator alum) from her gradulation of the Gators after their national championship victory. She's back. This time in a Dwight Howard jersey. Not surprisingly Brown gets shown up by the Congresswoman in the Kobe Bryant jersey. I'm going to try to set up a wager with Brown over UT-Florida. I don't care what the wager is, everyone will win.
Thought, how great would she be as a co-host of PTI for one day?
The recruit about eight minutes in? Yep, that's another secondary violation. At this point Kiffin's making a mockery of the secondary violation system. I refuse to believe he didn't know that that the cameras couldn't be rolling during that greeting. Either that or this one is on ESPN and they weren't supposed to be using that footage.
But false bravado aside, Coach Cal is nervous, very nervous as night comes to China. He's sitting down in the Beijing Kentucky Fried Chicken (you know he'll eat there) attempting to enjoy his drum stick and coke, while all the while the gnawing fear of the NCAA investigation stalks his every move. What if someone talks? He takes a bite of his drumstick, stares over his hunched shoulder. Reaches up to assure that his Chinese hair gel is still working, that his hair hasn't moved, that the sangfroid Coach Cal exterior is still in place. How could he, he of all people, have forgotten to pack his hair gel?
Because he's scared, very scared.
Cal knows recruiting one-year players for college basketball is built on a mountain of lies. They all pile up, one after the other so rapidly that it's hard to know the calculus of collapse. Careers are always, precariously, one Jenga block being pulled away from ruin. That's why Cal's looking over his shoulder. Why he's hoping that even on the other side of the world, people don't become aware of all the nervous tics that give away his fear.
Fortunately, I know the 10 signs that Cal is nervous.
By the way, Robert Dozier did better than you on the SAT. If you didn't hear us talking about this on the radio Friday, we'll have more on this soon. Memphis is about to asplode. (Misspelling intentional, with Kentucky fans reading you never know what to expect.)
What better way is there to get the weekend started than by listening to Chad Withrow and me from 2-3 central as your day winds down. Listen live here.
From there I'll be headed out to the golf course. Where undoubtedly I'll be DTFI.
That may explain why no one seems to want to take the blame for sending 2,000 cases of snack cakes to the landfill after a Little Debbie truck overturned on Oregon 217 late Monday.
McKee Foods, the Tennessee manufacturer of the snacks, accuses the Oregon Department of Transportation of destroying the high-calorie cargo in its rush to reopen the "flyover" exit ramp crossing Interstate 5.
ODOT, however, said the company told its late-night crash-response crew that its snack rolls were toast once the truck's trailer, with its country-girl Little Debbie logo, flipped on its side.
Never mind that the goodies -- from brownies and donuts to Swiss Rolls and Little Debbie's new 100-calorie cookies-and-creme cakes -- remained boxed and sealed after the crash.
Everyone returned pretty drunk from Steeplechase. Most of us passed out. Some visitors did more than that. True story, a friend got a $50 extra porn bill from Comcast this week. The result of one man's drunken porn purchases. These were the titles on the bill:
All Girl Slut Fest – 214a.
Girls Gone Wild – 239a.
Amateur Raw Lesbo – 352a.
Girls Livin’ 2gether – 407a.
At least there's some porn consistency there. Completely true story. In the interests of protecting the innocent, the culpable party hasn't been named on this particular blog ever before.
Somehow Rasputin is the perfect image to go up with this bit of information.
This column is just an excuse to put up a new picture of Layla. Also, now there's a handy poll up on the site, who would you rather pay to hear speak, Layla or Lane. Dive in here.
"Yep, Layla Kiffin has taken Knoxville by storm. So much so that people are willing to even overlook the fact that she's a Gator. Luckily for her there won't be any men at the question and answer session next Friday. Otherwise the first four questions would go something like this:
Overweight man in UT overalls (giggling): "If you had to kiss a girl, who would it be and why?"
Bruce Pearl: "Layla, why don't you ditch the loser?"
Portly man in orange camouflage baseball cap: "When you and Erin Andrews were sorority sisters together"...(has heart attack)
Creepy guy with goatee steps over dying man: "Do you sell your underwear?"
So, yeah, maybe it's best this thing is restricted to women after all.
But is anyone else starting to think Layla brought Lane to Knoxville as opposed to vice versa?"
Thirty Minutes On Lawyer-To-Lawyer Regarding EA Sports-NCAA Lawsuit
I think y'all will enjoy this discussion. Especially the part where my mother-in-law's German Shepherd starts barking in the background and I have to flee to a bedroom. Luckily you can't hear Fox banging on the door later because he could hear Dad's voice and wanted to come sit on my lap during the interview. He's like a shark smelling blood whenever Dad gets on the radio.
In fact, Fox has already appeared on radio in about fifteen states and he's only sixteen months old. That's pretty impressive. With the new book coming out this fall, he's going to knock out half the country. Easy.
M.J. Garrett Misspells Immaculate...Vandy Education System Crumbles
If you happened to watch Real World/Road Rules Challenge last night (honestly, you should see my DVR right now, there is nothing on there), you know that the contestants competed in a spelling bee. As far as spelling bees go, there has probably never been a worse collective performance. It almost made me sad that I watch this show. Because this group of people is incredibly dumb.
It was my hope that M.J. Garrett would uphold the honor of Vandy grads everywhere. Sadly, that wasn't to be. Instead he misspelled the word immaculate. Okay, that's understandable, maybe he went with two m's or two l's, left off the e. That might be someone defensible. Nope.
He spelled immaculate beginning with an E.
Go Dores.
Having said that, I want more contests like this. Many more. Strength is great, but I want history quizzes, more spelling, let's weed out the dumbest this way.
I think this also went up today. At least it's listed as today on the time stamp. Enjoy. I'm now 30. As most of you know. This makes me old. In other news, I'm back from Michigan. So ready to roll again.
I turned 30 last month. It was a sobering experience. Made all the more so because of how far I've fallen down the totem pole of birthday presents. When I was a kid, I got spectacular birthday presents that I played with for hours. Be it a G.I. Joe Hovercraft or Mike Tyson's Punchout!!, a birthday present offered tangible evidence that this year held all sorts of unique excitements yet to come.
This year I got a lawn mower. Seriously, a lawn mower.
The other day, as I was in the midst of seeding an empty lot next door to my house so I'd have more grass to mow in the future, I decided that turning 30 brought with it all sorts of wisdom. Particularly as it pertains to sports. In fact, I decided that instead of receiving a lawn mower, I should have been given the right to remake all the sports that I watch through subtle rule tweaks. Clearly this makes perfect sense. In fact, if you're anything like me you've probably found yourself sitting around ruminating about how you could perfect sports as well. Here are my seven changes.
Over the weekend Florida cornerback Janoris Jenkins became the 24th Gator football player to be arrested in the past four years. Jenkins was tased after fighting with men he claims were attempting to steal his jewelry. That happens to all of us when we go out. You should have seen this dude step to me over my pinky ring the other night.
Much of the nation, among them the Florida fan base, collectively shrugged their shoulders. Unless, that is, you happened to be a rival of Florida's who has lost to them on the field in the past few years. Then you were outraged. That's how it goes with college football arrests; we're all a bunch of hypocrites. If our team wins we don't care if the entire team gets sent up the river together, as long as they're back by Saturday. Any amount of off-field incidents can be brushed aside, so long as you're successful enough on the field.
Urban Meyer knows this. It's why he said the Gators would only recruit "the top one percent of the top one percent" which is, I guess, a tricky way of saying ".01 percent." (Although it would be interesting to hypothesize what percentage of Gator players could correctly come up with the above number. Hell, I'm not even completely sure my math is correct.) Gator fans chomped to their heart's content when they heard the statement, Tim Tebow probably circumcised an indigent child, meanwhile the top .01 percent were out terrorizing students on University Avenue. Turns out The Swamp is not just a field, it's where Gator ethics go to die.
(Note, the above picture is Nu'Keese Richardson. Hopefully, I'm praying, this photo becomes extremely painful to Gator fans.)
Kristen Cavalierri's Amazing Backside Arrives on The Hills
Question of the day is Justin Bobby the luckiest man in the history of the universe?
Confession of the day, I've been in love with Kristen Cavallari since she was 16. Which sounds so much worse than it actually is.
By the way, Kristen Cavallari is a great test case for if your daughter has a hot-girl sounding name there are unbelievable odds that she will end up being hot. Hey, I don't make the rules...
Individual picture with Coach Lane Kiffin (Please note that this
picture is included in your registration fee and the individual photo
will only be taken between 7-8:45 a.m. so we encourage you to
arrive at 7 a.m. to make sure you have time for your photo.)
Breakfast
Tours/Highlight Videos
9 a.m. Start of Program
9:15 a.m. Q & A with Layla Kiffin
9:30 a.m. Welcome from Head Coach Lane Kiffin
9:40 a.m. RecruitingOverview with Ed Orgeron
10:00 a.m. Defensive Overview with MonteKiffin
10:30 a.m. Offensive Overview with Jim Chaney
11:00 a.m. Video Operations Overview with Joe Harrington
11:15 a.m. Special Guest Officials "Rules of the Game"
11:30 a.m. Vol Walk
12:00 p.m. Lunch
1:00 p.m. Equipment Demonstration
1:30 p.m. Head Coach Lane Kiffin Pre-Game Speech
1:35 p.m. Special Message from Coach Ed Orgeron
Run onto the field to 50 yard line
1:40 p.m. Coach Lane Kiffin Post-Game Speech
1:45 p.m. East Club/Skybox Tours
2 p.m. Event Concludes
Did you see what happens from 9:15 to 9:30? Layla Kiffin takes the floor.
Y'all are on top of this event. Last week Brock L. emailed me about it and this week the emails have been pouring in. Joe C.
Anyway, in case you haven't caught wind of it yet, there is a very interesting new program going on in Knoxville next weekend, "Lane Kiffin's Football Clinic for Women." http://lanekiffinsfootballclinicforwomen.eventbrite.com/ This thing is funny for so many reasons. First of all, I love that event number one is a Q&A with none other than Layla Kiffen! They hear from the big guys on the coaching staff, do the "Vol Walk" (as much as it will be the "Vol Walk" with nobody but freshmen orientation folks on campus), run onto the field (see previous parenthetical), etc.
Due in major part to the Layla Kiffin appearance, you know they have been turning down male applicants left and right. What's your call on the over/under there? And why hasn't there been a similar event for the guys? You know there would be plenty of UT football junkies lining up to get a chat with the coaches, etc. for $75 a head, or more! On the other hand, maybe the Kiff is just looking forward to an opportunity to get to know the ladies a little better. Oh well, like you've said, it's a whole new era in UT/SEC football coaching.
Review and analyze deposition for use in support of our Motion for Summary Judgment. -- 0.6
I really have no idea why they don't do this for men. Are you telling me there aren't an awful lot of men who wouldn't pay a grand for this opportunity? Maybe they do it and don't publicize the event. I have no idea. All I know is there's going to be an awful lot of jealous men in the Knoxville area come next Friday afternoon.
"Saturday, Tennessee quarterback Jonathan Crompton became the latest college athlete to acknowledge receiving death threats. This adds Crompton's name to a growing list of players who have received death threats for on-field actions. You don't even have to be that famous anymore to draw fan ire. From West Virginia kicker Pat McAfee to Ohio State tight end Ryan Hamby, the past several years have seen a scary increase in threats of violence. Even though they might not have been publicized if you're a fan of a major college football team, chances are one of your players has received a death threat. And it's high time this ends. I mean, now, immediately. How? By prosecuting one of the boneheads who sends a threat to the fullest extent of the law.
By that, I mean I want one of these guys -- or girls -- to do serious jail time. If the purpose of punishment is not just to punish an act, but also to send a message to society about what we'll collectively stand for, isn't it high time we send that message? Because right now I firmly believe most of the people who make these threats don't believe they'll ever be punished for what they do. And if someone doesn't feel the threat of public exposure and punishment, then these threats are going to continue to grow. Put simply, we can't stand for it. Not as fans, not as adults, not as a remotely decent public."
I promise there's a few dick jokes tomorrow. In the meantime, enjoy our boy Hughtavious.
Personally I think a video where white people try to dunk would be much better. Or a video where white people smack boards and then box out on missed shots.
Travis has become enamored of several objects, phrases or events which he frequenly references in the column. Among the most frequent:
'Bama Bangs - a term coined by Travis to refer to southern men's hairstyles that feature prominent bangs for no apparent reason. Brodie Croyle and John Parker Wilson are oft-cited violators of 'Bama Bangs rules.
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When Clay Travis, acclaimed author of Dixieland Delight, decided to spend the 2008 season up close and personal with UT football, he—and every other college football aficionado—thought he was in for a rollicking ride with one of the leading contenders for the national title. After all, when the Vols kicked off the season on September 1, the defending SEC East champions were ranked 18th in the country. As head coach Phillip Fulmer prepared for the game, he reflected upon a coaching career that included an astounding 147 victories, two SEC championships, and a national title. With 34 years at UT under his belt as both a player and coach, the Tennessee native had just signed a contract extension that projected to keep him at the university long enough to become the winningest coach in program history.
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There is no college ball more passionate and competitive than football in the Southeastern Conference, where seven of the twelve schools boast stadiums bigger than any in the NFL and 6.5 million fans hit the road every year to hoot and holler their teams to victory.
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The newly favored man is not really a man at all, but a hairless, effeminate, germ-fearing, non-meat-eating, exfoliating, wristband-wearing woman of the worst order. We as men are told that we must embrace the sacred feminine in ourselves, even if it doesn't actually exist, and become the very quintessence of woman, plus penises. This situation is untenable. This trend must stop.
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Clay Travis is the only former student manager in the history of college athletics to marry an NFL cheerleader. He managed to pull this off despite an irrational affinity for the television shows Dawson's Creek and My Super Sweet 16. While being raised in Nashville, Tenn., Travis developed a healthy obsession with college sports and Alyssa Milano. As a teenager his greatest accomplishment was taking a doo-rag wearing Luke Duke (balling as Tom Wopat) to the hole at the Nashville YMCA.
In the midst of a stellar legal career during which he specialized in rewarding the unjust and punishing the oppressed, Travis began writing for CBS Sports's SPiN section in September 2005...
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