I'd be lying if I said The Hills wasn't making my Monday's complete. Audrina discussing the upcoming war she's going to have with a Penthouse Pet over Brody Jenner with her girlfriends was exactly how I picture George W. Bush deciding to go to war with Iraq.
Blago was going to be on an upcoming reality show with the duo:
At a press conference Friday, NBC announced that Janice Dickinson, Stephen Baldwin, John Salley, Idol’s Sanjaya Malakar and professional wrestler Torrie Wilson will be joining Spencer and Heidi at the jungle location in Costa Rica for what the network called “the ultimate Swiss Family Robinson.”
Blagojevich was on hand for the announcement and expressed his disappointment with not being allowed to participate. “Sometimes life’s journey takes you on a series of paths you never expected,” he told reporters. “I look forward to having the opportunity to prove my innocence but at same time, I’m interested in trying to pursue a way to earn a living. Originally, I was skeptical [about appearing on the show] but after talking to producers, I was a little more interested.”
I would wager my life that I'll be watching this show.
By the way, the religious girl at Bible study, "The Bible calls it fornification."
Greatest quote in The Hills history.
By the way, when I was watching the latest episode on Monday, I thought I heard gunshots in my neighborhood. I was sitting in my underwear on the couch. And all I could think was, can you imagine if you got shot while watching The Hills and died? The newspaper article would begin something like this, "Clay Travis died on Monday night when a stray bullet pierced his chest. The underwear clad Travis was upstairs in his house while his family slept watching the latest episode of The Hills on DVR."
Those of you who listen to him talk about it on the ClayNation radio show or who read the end of Rough Draft know that former Army safety Caleb Campbell is now trying to make the 2010 American bobsledding team. The Amarillo Texas newspaper gives a more in-depth report.
"He's looked really good," Meyer said. "He had to take that next step [this spring]. When you start shaving and get that manly look, you start looking better. He's a very, very good passer."
How much would it be worth to you for a coach to drop a no homo after a statement like this?
Victoria's Secrect Panty Contest ; Pink Collegiate Collection Dominated By Zion Bible College
Reader Sayward sent along a link to the top 25 schools currently ranked in the contest. Texas Tech is in first place with over 5 million votes. Drexel is in second place with 5 million votes as well. Mike Leach is the reason for the first place showing for Tech, and Drexel has an identity crisis because they're a Philadelphia school that one can remember is actually in Philadelphia. But who's in the top ten with over 1 million votes? How about Zion Bible College. Quoth Sayward:
So a friend sent me this link to nominate ole miss for some collegiate underwear or something. Ole Miss doesn’t have a chance because the girls at ole miss, at least for the most part, won’t wear something like this. That said, why is Zion Bible College so high on this list?
First, a couple of things worth discussing, when Sayward writes "the girls at Ole Miss, at least for the most part, won't wear something like this," I'm interpreting this to mean that the women of Ole Miss never wear panties. Ever.
I've never been more confident about my high ranking of Ole Miss women before. I wrote back to Sayward and she claims this wasn't the intent of her wording, but I don't buy it. I'm a strict constructionist when it comes to women not wearing underwear.
So, this raises a question, who is behind the Zion Baptist College's connection to Victoria's Secret? I have no idea, but this internet mystery must be uncovered. In the meantime, you should know that Zion Baptist College is a small school of ministry located in Massachusetts. Here's their website.
Internet research uncovers the outcome, computer hackers from MIT:
Listen live here. Should be fun, we'll touch on all the most important topics on earth, and have a girl draft. Featuring analysis from Withrow and myself. It should be stellar.
Brought to you as always by the fine folks at Otter's Chicken Tenders. I had the good fortune to hop an Otter's Chicken Tenders bus after the Dave Matthews concert on Saturday night. Driven by none other than Talbott Ottinger.
Also, this thing is just so well-constructed from a legal perspective, "No, no, it's just a coincidence that a thong with a T and a bow on the front is being sold to Florida fans," that lawyers are definitely behind this. Guaranteed.
We'll wait for the Tebow Thong people to reveal themselves. Until then, hope your wife doesn't buy a pair. Unless you're a Gator. In which case, it's kind of creepy unless you're having drunken sex with a one-night stander.
Right?
I mean, two of my biggest passions are SEC football and sex. But I don't have sex while holding a football.*
New sport, chain cows and see how many iron shots it takes for pro golfers to kill them. No one will have any issue with this. After all, cows are ten times as responsible for greenhouse gas emissions as cars are. (This is true). It's environmentally friendly. You're saving the Earth!
The over/under for Tiger Woods is 136.
Tip of the beaver pelt to golf guru Shane Bacon, who may be found here. As well as on FanHouse.
Layla Kiffin Has Bruce Pearl On His Knees: "I'm trying to date his wife. But that's not working out too good."
Layla Kiffin was sorority sisters with Erin Andrews, and went to UF. Regular readers of the ClayNation mail bag know all this. But did you know Bruce Pearl has noticed Layla as well?
Chris Lofton Goes For 61 (17 for 22) in Germany or maybe Turkey
He hit 17 of 22 three-point shots in a German or Turkish league game. Later he rolled into a Hamburg brothel and made it rain with weiner schnitzel. (I have no idea what this means, but it sounds extraordinary. And German. Although, to be fair, he might be playing in Turkey. In which case he pulled out a Kalishnikov rifle and made it rain with shell casings while buying cows. As is the custom in the country when one celebrates.)
Courtesy of Don, who becomes the first person to be quoted via another reader's email, we go inside the numbers:
Well, I would call that just plain old fashioned "ball hogging". It's obvious to me that Lofton needs to get his teammates more involved in the offense, as Nedim Yucel, Inanc Koc, and Umit Somkol have to get more touches in order for the Mersin Buyuksehir Belediyesi offense to play up to Coach Kandemir's expectations...... Here's the box score. It's important to note that the rest of the Mersin Buyuksehir team went 2-13 from three. The next highest scorer had 13. Someone can confirm for me what the line is for international basketball, but I'm thinking it's between the NBA and college lines, right?
My Take on the Lions and Matthew Stafford At Fanhouse
Monday, April 27, 2009
Here's the link to the column. I'll be doing something every day for FanHouse, column-like, hopefully funny and entertaining, but something there every day. Now that the book is basically put to bed, I can swivel back to writing on a daily basis. Give me a few weeks to get back in saddle, but trust me, in no time, I should be moving at a nice gallop.
Anyway, I've talked to quite a few of my Georgia friends and all of them are still sort of in shock that Matthew Stafford is the highest paid player, guaranteed money anyway, in NFL history.
I'm hopeful we can take over the comments eventually. But for now, here's the best/worst "take."
Chris says:
If you had half the talent Stafford had, you wouldn't be writing blogs for a living. You watch. Stafford takes this team to the playoffs. Maybe not in Year 1 but he will and make you eat humble pie. He's better than Sanchez anyday of the week. Talk about an overhyped player.
Okay, I'll bite the humble pie, it tastes like rhubarb mixed with butternut, fyi. What would I be doing if I had half the talent of Matthew Stafford, i.e., if I was half the football player that he is? I honestly have no idea.
Quarterbacking a DIII school? Working as a janitor? What does someone who has half the talent of an NFL quarterback do that is so impressive?
It's just as understated as you'd appreciate a $100 million dollar contract signee to have. I particularly like the flames rushing up the side of the boat. It's the perfect metaphor for Dan Snyder's money burning up.
Supposedly Big Al is the guy behind the wheel.
The guy standing on the back of the boat is explaining how tall Haynesworth's erection can get to the blonde in the bikini.
BGID: Nashville Marathon and Stafford's Inability to be BGID
Nashville had a marathon this weekend. People made signs to stand alongside the route and cheer on the runners. Yep, you guessed it, BGID style signs were in full effect.
In other beard news, Yahoo's Dan Wetzel, a prince of a man, brought us beard-related news from Matthew Stafford.
The Mike Leach express remains docked on the high seas of outspokenness (even I don't know what that means). After Stephen McGee was drafted in the fifth round by the Dallas Cowboys, HMS Leach (British berthed of course) took a shot at rival Texas A&M.
Does anyone else think Leach is drunk on his own power right now? I have no clue what he's going to do come fall, but I know it's going to be spectacular. Like, if Leach came out one game wearing biker shorts and then said, "I coach better if my kneecaps get air," would you really be surprised?
UNC Quarterback Sprains Thumb Playing Ultimate Frisbee
I want to laugh, but if this happened to Tennessee twice, we'd be lining up this fall with Gerald Jones under center. Seriously, is no one else concerned about this. Jonathan Crompton and Nick Stephens both have pretty serious injury issues behind them. They're far from indestructible. Hopefully neither man picks up the frisbee.
Yates and UNC coach Butch Davis were not available for comment.
Yates will need six weeks to rehabilitate his throwing hand and will have to wear a splint during that time. The two-year starter does not need surgery, however, and the injury is not expected to have a lingering effect on the Tar Heels' quarterback or remain a concern by the time training camp starts in August.
If you ever had any doubt that UNC was in the ACC, the orangized ultimate frisbee game should clear those doubts up. Seriously, can you imagine Alabama having an organized ultimate frisbee game? An organized gang bang, maybe, but not an organized frisbee game.
We need more details here. Did he fall? Did he attempt to bat down a pass? How do you get injured this bad playing ultimate frisbee? Hippie dudes play ultimate frisbee for decades without injury.
Anyway, I think I speak for everyone when I say, I hope Yates was wearing the UNC team-issued three-quarter turtleneck UnderArmour. Because those are awesome, and guaranteed to protect the Adam's apple.
Okay, mailbag coming on Saturday. I don't want to spoil part ten that will be up tomorrow in time for the draft. In the meantime sate yourself with my trip to the NFL Combine and the performances of the guys I trained with. Here's part nine.
For your readers who have heard you wax eloquently about FNL, but weren’t sure how to catch up, there is an option. As far as I can tell, all of the episodes are available on Hulu.
Just thought I’d let you know.
I heart you Adam Y., I really do. You can watch them from work? Outstanding.
Notwithstanding his feud with some of my former associates, I sent Buzz Bissinger an email requesting a blurb from him for On Rocky Top. No response thus far. Although, you'll be happy to know that we've lined up Warren St. John, Bruce Feldman, and Jeff Pearlman as blurbists.
Those of you who listen to me on the radio know that Rece Davis and Kirk Herbstreit have both Heisman'd my emails, failing to respond at all.
Now that Friday Night Lights does product placements, would it be possible to have a character reading Dixieland Delight while trying to make a decision on where to go to school? Either that or Connie/Tami could rest the book on her chest while having a serious chat with Coach Taylor. Dare to dream, dare to dream.
Anyway, here's his mock draft. It's probably the only mock draft written by someone who has ever published an article in the Harvard Human Rights Journal.
This is how I see the draft unfolding. It's not a ranking of my favorite players in this draft, just how I think each team should pick:
1) Detroit: Matthew Stafford, QB, Georgia Lions new regime has the biggest leeway in recent history, following up an 0-16 team, so they can absorb the lumps of grooming a young Qb. They see the overwhelming # of 1st round QBs that dominated the playoffs last year. They play in a pass-friendly dome. Trading for Julian Peterson to match with Ernie Sims obviates the need to draft Curry, who some say is the best player in the draft. They have no long term prospect at QB.
2) St. Louis: Jason Smith, OT, Baylor They lost a HOF tackle this year in Pace. Even with Pace, O-line has been a weakness the past 2-3 years. Alex Barron might not be able to fill the LT spot. With the signings of Jacob Bell last year, and Jason Brown this year, the new regime can make a past weakness a strength with this pick. Curry is obviously enticing but LT is a premium position.
3) Kansas City: B.J. Raji, DT, Boston College Pioli knows how the Patriots built their team, with hitting on several first round defensive line picks -- Seymour, Ty Warren, Wolfork -- and big, versatile LBs. Pioli drafted the Defensive Rookie of the Year, LB Jerod Mayo, last year at a spot some considered too high. The Chiefs are said to be running a hybrid 3-4/4-3; Tank Tyler has said that he will be playing NT, but also that Glenn Dorsey will be playing some 3 technique tackle still. In that case, Raji makes the most sense here because he fits seamlessly in both systems, and is especially valuable as a Casey Hampton/Jamal Williams caliber 3-4 anchor in the middle. Tyler can be a brick house at the 3-4 defensive end. Raji makes this a very intriguing D-line. They do take a looong look at Curry to play inside.
4) Seattle: Michael Crabtree, WR, Texas Tech I'm not buying the recent Sanchez buzz. It might just be an attempt on the Hawks part to drum up interest in this pick to allow them to trade down. Qb is a long term need because Hasselback is 35 years old, and coming off injury, but this team probably wants an impact player to step in now and play. With an aging Walter Jones, there will be a strong temptation to take Eugene Monroe here to replace a legend with the perhaps the best player at the same position. But, WR is also a need here – probably bigger – (Burleson has never panned out; Branch is a huge durability risk) and Crabtree is probably higher on the draft board than Monroe. Curry is not the play because he is best at MLB, and Lofa is entrenched there.
5) Cleveland: Aaron Curry, LB, Wake Forest I think the Browns will have a deal in place with somebody for Braylon, contingent on Crabtree being available. As he is not here, Braylon stays put because the WR corps would be a catastrophe without him (Joey J is 76; Stallworth might be in prison). Curry is a fine consolation prize to no trade. Paired inside with D’Qwell Jackson (NFL leading tackler in ’09) or on the outside.
If the Seahawks take OT Eugene Monroe instead of Crabtree, the Browns trade Braylon and draft Crabtree.
6) Cincinnati: Eugene Monroe, OT, Virginia The Bengals need to better protect their franchise QB, and they are very happy Monroe falls to them to ultimately replace an aging Levi Jones. They take a look at Orakpo here at DE to help a pitiful pass rush, but he is not a blue chip DE compared to others in past drafts. Monroe is a better player.
7) Oakland Raiders: Andre Smith, OT, Alabama The Raiders brought in Khalif Barnes and Marcus Johnson as band-aids for a position of need, LT, but Smith at 335lbs represents too good of a value to lock up the position for years protecting Russell and opening holed for McFadden/Bush. WR is a need, but the team seems high on Schillens and Higgins opposite Walker. They look at Orakpo also to supplant Burgess, but OT is a much more pressing need, and Smith is probably a top-5 talent.
8) Jacksonville Jaguars: Jeremy Maclin, WR, Missouri The WR situation is poor, even with the Holt signing. The Jags have missed on several 1st round WRs – Matt Jones, Reggie Williams, R.J. Soward – but Maclin is more accomplished and NFL-ready than those previous picks. Maclin is a burner, but also is willing to go over the middle, and an able blocker. He can polish his route running – a weakness – under one of the league’s all time best in Holt. Maclin could have a Donnie Avery type impact this year. I don’t buy the Sanchez hype – they have a lot of time and $ and pride invested in Garrard, who is now a svelte 230lbs.
9) Green Bay: Tyson Jackson, DE, LSU The Pack is switching to a 3-4 this year, and they do not have a player on the roster right now who can anchor as the 5 technique D-end which is absolutely essential for the defense. Jackson is not flashy, and will never generate double digit sacks, but he is the classic 3-4 DEnd at 6-4, 296 lbs. A good foundational piece for a team transitioning to the 3-4. They will look at Orakpo also to play the rush OLB, but Jackson represents the more scarce, foundational piece.
10) San Franciso: Mark Sanchez, QB, USC This team has several needs. CB Walt Harris is 34 opposite Nate Clements, so Malcom Jenkins makes a lot of sense at corner. Marvel Smith is injury prone at OT, so Oher makes sense here too. Issac Bruce and Brandon Jones are the starting WRs, but there is no value here. In the end, however, the Niners can’t pass up on local boy Sanchez as their franchise QB. If Sanchez progressed normally in another year of college, he might have been the overall number one pick in next year's draft (barring a Leinart like drop) and represents very good value here. Jenkins is the other guy they might take here, and Orakpo gets a looksy as well.
11) Buffalo: Brian Orakpo, DE, Texas Starting DEnds Chris Kelsay and Aaron Schoebel generated a combined 3 sacks, so this pick comes down to the best available DEnd: Orakpo, who many have as a top-5 talent but slipped because he is a better fit as a 4-3 end as opposed to a 3-4 OLB. Robert Ayers, Aaron Maybin and Everette Brown all get looks.
12) Denver: Rey Maualuga, LB, USC McDaniels will go defense here, deferring to the philosophy he was groomed on in NE, and because of the obvious need of retooling to the new 3-4, and because this defense sucked last year. They are set on the O-line, WR, and McDaniels thinks he can work his magic with Orton at Qb and his NE-style Rb by committee with Buckhalter/Arrington/Jordan/Young. There are serious needs here on the Dline, but no premium players left. There is also need here at LB, which presents better value at this pick. Anyone of the three USC backers could fit, but Rey might be the safest; Matthews is too green, and Cushing has durability issues. Rey is violent hitter, can stack up big offensive lineman as an ILB in the 3-4, and can become the identity of a lackluster defense; the new Al Wilson. Interesting note: Gruden called Rey the best player in the draft.
13) Washington: Michael Oher, OT, Ole Miss This comes down to OT Oher versus DE Robert Ayers. Jansen and Samuels have been consistent injury risks their entire careers at OT, and Phillip Daniels and Renaldo Wynn are on the downside of their careers at LDE. Ayers has shot up draft boards after the Senior Bowl, and Mike Mayock has said he is the best defensive player in the draft. Oher, on the other hand, has been called potentially the best OT in this draft, if he improves his consistency. In the end, Snyder chooses Oher, sticks him at guard (where he started at Ole Miss), and then uses him to eventually replace Jansen or Samuels. Haynesworth’s positive effect on his DLine compatriots makes this choice easier.
14) New Orleans: Brian Cushing, LB, USC LB and Safety are needs. I don't buy the Beanie Wells hype for a team with problems on defense. Cushing is the play here to replace Fujita or Shanle, as the Saints addressed some of their secondary concerns with the signing of Jabari Greer and Darren Sharper this year, and the ascension of Tracy Porter from last year's draft. Cushing is more versatile than Matthews.
15) Houston Texans: Malcom Jenkins, CB/S, Ohio State Jaques Reeves has always sucked as a CB, since his days in Dallas. Jenkins gives the Texans a solid corner to pair with Dunta Robinson, and a player who can move to safety and excel. Before the signing of Antonio Smith, Ayers would have been an interesting pick here, to pair with Okoye and Mario Williams and Travis Johnson. But, CB is too big of a hole, and Jenkins is regarded as the best and most NFL ready.
16) San Diego Chargers: Robert Ayers, DE, Tennessee They could go a number of ways with this pick, but I don't see them going for Beanie Wells here, as many predict. Too much $ tied up in RBs right now. The undervalued Ayers makes sense here, as either a replacement for Igor Ohalansky, or as a rush OLB, or even a nickel pass rusher inside.
17) New York Jets: Josh Freeman, QB, Kansas State Ryan is going to treat last year's first round bust, Vernon Gholston, as an extra pick this year. He's a defensive wizard and will try to make a Suggs out of VG. He also saw last year what a 6'6' QB from a less competitive school can do when surrounded with NFL talent, and so he'll pull the trigger here on Freeman, to give identity to this no name offense. Freeman has the physical attributes and arm strength to thrive in the AFC East and New York. With only Kellen Clemens, Ratliff, and Erik Ainge on the roster, QB is a must.
18) Denver Broncos: Peria Jerry, DLine, Ole Miss The Broncos have to go defense again with this pick. Jerry is a 300lb tackle who the team has scrutinized, and who they might try to beef up to a NT, or play at end, where he got some reps at the Senior Bowl. And, he can obviously be a nickel rusher on the inside on obvious passing downs. Jerry represents better value than Aaron Maybin or Clay Matthews because he plays on the line, despite the fact that he has played predominantly as a 3-technique in a 4-3 system. Maybin is also too much of a one trick pony who relies far too much on his speed to the outside.
19) Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Vontae Davis, CB, Illinois A very tough spot for the Bucs to be in, as they have needs at numerous positions – QB, WR, DT, DE, LB, CB – and the premium players at all those positions have been taken. However, the first round of the draft actually might have better value in this middle portion, so the Bucs could come away with a good value pick. There is no QB, DT, or WR worth taking here. At DE, Everette Brown should be the only player they are considering – he is an explosive pass rusher with good counter moves who does not simply rely on his speed; Michael Johnson is a 2nd round talent, Maybin only relies on speed, and Larry English isn’t as polished or explosive. At WR, Harvin will be considered, but durability and character concerns will scare them off, especially considering the lack of a second round pick, and recent draft misses. At LB, the Bucs seem content with their young guys –Black, Hayward, Hayes – and Crowell and Phillips to determine the OLB spots. CB opposite Aqib Talib is a huge hole with the aging Ronde and inexperienced Mack as the only alternatives. Morris, a former DB coach, will ultimately go with Davis here, and trust his own ability to harness the most out of the somewhat raw and inconsistent Davis.
20) Detroit Lions: Brandon Pettigrew, TE, Oklahoma State After taking Stafford, defensive minded Jim Schwartz wants an impact defensive player, but doesn’t find one. So, he grabs the best TE in the draft, to serve as a safety net for his new QB, and to helps in their run game as well, as he is a very good blocker. Lions come away with the best QB and TE in the draft. Everette Brown is looked at.
21) Philadelphia Eagles: Louis Delmas, S, Western Michigan Brian Dawkins departure leaves a gaping hole at safety in this aggressive defensive scheme. Delmas is an aggressive, undersized safety in the Bob Sanders/Troy P mold and, while this might be a bit higher than where he has been projected, might actually turn out to be a steal. There is no value at WR, and Reid has confidence in the Westbrook/Booker/Weaver combination to pass on Moreno.
22) Minnesota Vikings: Percy Harvin, WR, Florida Harvin is the most dangerous offensive weapon in the draft whose stock has dropped amid character and durability concerns, and the Vikings have a need at WR. Heyward-Bey is a vertical threat like Berrian and the Vikes need someone to make plays in the middle of the field, which Harvin can excel at out of the slot. Harvin and Adrian Peterson on the field at the same time would be a nightmare for defensive coordinators.
23) New England Patriots: Knowshon Moreno, RB, Georgia The Pats covered up holes in the secondary with Shawn Springs and Leigh Bodden in free agency. Moreno is potentially the top back in this class, and offers the versatility and toughness which Belichick loves, and allows them to move on from the disappointing Laurence Maroney. Moreno is a younger, better version of Kevin Faulk.
24) Atlanta Falcons: Everette Brown, DE, FSU Falcons need help at DE and OLB, so this will come down to Brown vs. Matthews. They ultimately decide on Brown as he can be the heir apparent to Abraham, and because they brought in Mike Peterson to compete at LB.
25) Miami Dolphins: Clay Matthews, OLB, USC The Fins need a WR, but Parcells is not willing to wait and groom Kenny Britt, or waiting for Hakeem Nicks to find the treadmill. They also need a corner, and Alphonso Smith is a dynamo, but he’s undersized at 5’9’’, and you don’t want your first round corner being exploited in the red zone. This choice then comes down to Matthews and Laurinitis, and Parcells chooses the ascending Matthews for his versatility. Laurinitis is a pure ILB but who might not be able to take the pounding in the middle of a 3-4.
26) Baltimore Ravens: Chris “Beanie” Wells, RB, Ohio State Ozzie Newsome never drafts purely on need. So, he won’t be tempted by WRs Heyward-Bey or Nicks at this spot. Wells is potentially a top 10 talent and reminds Newsome of one his first draft picks, Jamal Lewis. This is an especially good pick as RB is more of a need on this team than initially apparent – McGahee seems slowed, McClain lack top end speed, and Ray Rice is a very good backup.
27) Indianapolis Colts: Brian Robiskie, WR, Ohio State Might be the most NFL-ready WR in the draft, playing for an elite school and being the son of an NFL WR coach. Life after Harrison begins with this pick.
28) Buffalo Bills: Ebon Britton, OT, Arizona Jason Peters replacement.
29) New York Giants: Kenny Britt, WR, Rutgers Plaxico replacement.
I must credit my girlfriend, Leslie, for noticing this gem in the grocery store. This would be the greatest gift for a sick child in history.
PS Feel free to use my name.
I love that Publix thinks putting the pink dolphin over the razors is the way to guarantee it's sold. I prefer to think of the pink dolphin as the patron saint of beards. Any man who is thinking about becoming clean shaven will become distracted by the pink dolphin and allow his facial hair to continue to grow. Thereby ensuring that he has more sex and is more likely to procreate, thus propagating the species. See, the pink dolphin is our hero.
The man - dressed in a black polo shirt and boxers - told an officer that he met a Hispanic woman at Level 131 club on East Broad Street and agreed to go to a nearby hotel and trade $100 for sex. He couldn't identify her, but told the cop "she was working it."
The two walked to the Days Inn on North Finley Street, where she was "raring to go," the man told the officer. He went into the bathroom and when he came out, she was gone with his pants and wallet.
When the officer checked later, he found out the victim is wanted in Glynn County, but authorities there said they wouldn't come get him.
I love the use of the word "trade" here. Not pay, but trade. Because every man knows bartering for sex is legal, it's called marriage. Also, that the woman was "working it." That's the description. I know exactly what he means.
Reading about the woman leaving while he was in the bathroom, reminds me of the time one of my friends went home with a fat Spanish woman in Seville, Spain. While she was in the bathroom, he came to his drunken senses, left without a word, and spent the next five hours wondering around in a strange city with no money trying to find his way home. Eventually he showed up at 8 in the morning. I still wonder wonder what the Spanish girl thought about the strange American man that vanished from her apartment while she was in the bathroom.
This is how all truly great love stories begin.
By the way, if authorities aren't willing to make the trip to arrest you for outstanding warrants? Reconsider your life.
(Note: as you can see from the above photo, all lost pants are not of equal value.)
In fact, this is a double slap in the face. First they put the guy in an Alabama snuggie, and then they switch him to Auburn gear but seat him alongside an LSU fan. They're fixing a noose for this model right now on the Plains.
As reader Ward H. writes:
Please note in the article how the guy wearing the Alabama snuggie in the 1st picture is the same guy wearing the Auburn snuggie in the 2nd picture, where he has the two ladies wearing an LSU and OU snuggie each. As an Alabama fan should I be disappointed that the guy clearly switches his allegiance from Alabama to Auburn to score a 3-way? I am going to say no considering it is a 3-way he is going after.
Finally, if someone that is BGID also buys and wears a snuggie, that begs the question what is more powerful: the mystical and glorious powers of BGID; or the horrendous and bi-curious powers of a collegiate snuggie?
The next time someone who wears a snuggie has a three-way will be when they arrive in prison. And it won't be of their own choosing.
I hate to say it, but I think the snuggie defeats all BGID powers. It's impossible to be DTFI while wearing a blanket with arms.
Michael Oher Leaves for New York City: Endorses Kurt Hester and D1
Those of you reading Rough Draft know that Michael Oher trained with us for several weeks before heading back to Ole Miss for his senior season. In today's Memphis Commercial Appeal, he explains why he went back to D1 after a poor workout experience with Michael Johnson's crew in Dallas.
Oher hired Sexton, who sent him to train at a familiar spot -- D1 in Nashville.
"Working out in Dallas, I felt that place was more for a skill position guy, and I'm a power guy who likes the heavy lifting," Oher said. "I got away from that in Dallas, but I got back to that in Nashville. They knew me, knew what I needed and I went right back to work. They got me stronger in three weeks, and I exploded at (Ole Miss') pro day."
Sexton said one scout sat next to him and was dazzled.
"The scout said to me, 'This is one of the best pro days I've ever seen, this is the top tackle on our board, no questions asked,'" Sexton said.
Like I've said all along, Kurt Hester is the best there is.
Where on Earth could they have ever gotten the idea for such a group?
The Make-it-Rain group's home page includes an excerpt about the escapades of NFL player Adam "Pacman" Jones in which the former Dallas Cowboy and Tennessee Titan approached an exotic dancer on stage and threw $1 bills into the air - an action known as "making it rain."
"Please join our foundation's mission by spreading the knowledge and pledging to help make it rain on the hoes in your life and the underprivileged hoes throughout the world," the group's page states. "If you are a hoe that is in need of rain, please look no further than the generous men gathered here to donate rain to your lives."
My primary experience with the Capitol Hill police force was with a zealous defender of the crosswalks. If you crossed the street outside of the crosswalk, no matter how empty the street, he'd give you a ticket. He gave me one. I think I had to pay a $10 fine. Either that or there's a warrant outstanding for my arrest right now in D.C. and the fine has grown to $10,000. Which would be a lot of rain.
Tennessee Down To Two Quarterbacks: B.J. Coleman Transfers
Ouch.
Given Jonathan Crompton's proclivity to run directly into defensive players, this could get very ominous. Tennessee's two big hits away from running the single wing. Or going with a former Boston Red Sox baseball player. Which is basically the same thing.
Frustrated by what he believes is a lack of opportunity to win the starting job, Coleman is not sure what his future plans will include.
“It’s the best move for me,” Coleman said. “What changed my mind is, after this spring, I don’t see myself getting a fair shake. Based on conversations with coaches and things that happened this spring, I feel the staff has goals that do not include me.
“I didn’t just quit. I didn’t just walk out. But I’m going to be taking a huge risk of losing another year of eligibility if I stay. I just want to play ball.”
For the last two weeks of practice, the former McCallie School star had taken more snaps with the second team, while senior Jonathan Crompton took over most of the first-team reps.
In the three spring scrimmages that were treated as game situations and played in Neyland Stadium, Coleman was a combined 41-of-60 for 425 yards, with four touchdowns and no interceptions.
Raise your hand if you'd like to take Tajh Boyd back now...thought so. What does this mean? It's Jonathan Crompton or bust ladies and gents, Jonathan Crompton or bust.
Enjoy part 7. Appreciate all the emails about Rough Draft and glad to know you guys are enjoying it. The story isn't as perfectly polished as I would have liked, but I think it's pretty damn good. More important than that, it's as honest of a representation of what guys go through preparing for the NFL Draft. I hope it comes through in the book just how much fun this whole thing was. Here's an excerpt starring the one and only Kurt Hester:
The guys training for the combine are impressed when I rejoin them three days later. Army safety Caleb Campbell, back on leave for a full week of training from West Point, greets me in the locker room, "Congrats, man, congrats." Geoff Schwartz taps me on the back, "You know," he says, "that kid is never breaking 5.0 in the forty." Kurt Hester is particularly welcoming. "Your life is over now," Hester says. "She already likes the baby more than you. Wait a couple of months and she'll give up on sex too. Until she wants another baby."
"How's his d**k?" Hester asks.
"He just got circumcised, so he's hurting. Circumcise is a much nicer word for what it is, if they called it d**k amputation no one would do it."
Hester laughs, continues, "I've only got one son but he's got a huge d**k. He's eight years old, skinny as hell, you can see his ribs, looks like an Ethiopian, but he's walking around with this huge swinging d**k. Been like that since the day he was born. Some people want their babies' feet measured or whatever but when my son was born the first thing I said was, 'Holy s**t, look at his d**k, it's huge.'"
"The nurse turned to me and was like, 'Most people count fingers and toes, Kurt.'
"When the nurse stamped his feet on the paper, I had her measure his d**k--1.5 inches at birth. Then I had her write that on the paper too. My wife is coming up here tomorrow, you can ask her."
For the first time in two months Hester has the entire afternoon weight-lifting group speechless. Finally, Geoff Schwartz responds, "You want us to ask your wife if your son has a big d**k?"
Hester doesn't skip a beat. "Yeah, she knows me. She'll be fine with it."
Here goes with Rough Draft chapter 6. Two parts went up today, because I was slow on getting up part 5 yesterday. So here goes with this one.
Campbell masks his nervousness with an easy smile and a regal posture as he walks, shoulders square, eyes raised, chin thrust forward, after almost four years training to be a soldier, he's learned that bravery isn't being fearless, it's continuing to do what you're supposed to do even when you're scared s**tless.
He learned this when they put the cadets inside rooms filled with chemical gasses. "They'd have us drop and do push-ups, screaming, 'Trust your mask.' Your skin is burning and you're trying not to panic. Then they make us pull off our masks and we have to recite our names and social security numbers and where we're from. You breathe it all in and next thing you know you're choking, people crying, puke everywhere." Or on missions in the Catskill Mountains in the heat of summer when you were so tired you weren't sure whether the tree directly in front of you was one or two trees, whether it was dawn or dusk. When all your body begged to quit and sneak into town and sleep in a bed and be away from it all if only for a moment. That's what being a soldier meant to Caleb Campbell, finding out what injustices your body could take, and then pressing past that threshold. Ultimately, football was easy.
"Up in the mountains the worst thing is called prickly heat. Not a lot of people know about it but when you're up in the heat working for four days in a row and you haven't showered, the salt in your body crystallizes, so your pores crystallizes and it's like a thousand fire ants biting you or thousands of needles poking you at the same time. That's the worst part about being out in the field."
The second worst thing is getting in trouble at the Academy. "They give you something called hours when you get in trouble," Campbell says, "that's when you put on your full uniform and walk in a square carrying an old wooden musket for six hours in a row. On Saturday, your only real day off. At the end of every hour you get a ten minute break. It's awful, just walking around and around and around. I should know, I've done over 200 hours."
Unlike most college guys, interactions with girls are limited at the academy and governed by rules. "If you're in the same room with a girl the doors have to be open. And neither of you can ever sit down on any horizontal surface at the same time." Asked whether the Army football players receive beneficial treatment relative to the other cadets, Campbell responds quickly, "We get more food at mess," he says, "that's about it."
Fairly pedestrian shirts. In fact, Lane should buy one and wear it to the press conference the week of the game.
I talked about this on the radio, but I think UF is going to be overhyped for this game. And when you're overhyped you play worse than you normally would. Time will tell. My experience in the UT locker room last year was that when the team was most psyched up for the game, they played worse than when they were calm. Recall that Mike Leach doesn't even like to give pre-game speeches because he's found that his guys get fired up and don't play as well.
After getting off the plane from Jamaica in Atlanta the couple didn't even take the time to knock the sand from their shoes. They got in their car - where they had stashed guns, calls and camo - and drove to AEDC Wildlife Management Area. They slept in the car, then at daylight started hunting.
It wasn't long before Bruce got a turkey to gobble. They put a decoy out and about 10 minutes after that Rene had a 17-pound jake with a 4-inch beard on the ground.
"Bruce would call and it would gobble and to be able to experience that was great," she said. "Bruce was telling me to move a little this way and stuff and then I saw it coming in."
The turkey never knew the newlyweds were in the woods.
"She was so excited she teared up," Bruce said.
Rene also lived up to a bargain they had made with the folks they had met in Jamaica: Since her wedding dress was already in the car, if she killed a turkey she would put it back on and pose for a picture.
I think it's the thigh that makes the shot. Because I'm picturing the husband taking the first shot, looking at his digital camera, and thinking, "Not sexy enough. I need some thigh."
Speaking of which, be honest, when you were young and went to a wedding, one of the most awkwardly erotic moments of your pre-adolescent life, excluding Princess Leia sitting on Jabba the Hutt's lap in the gold-slave bikini, was when the garter belt got taken off the bride. Which hornball came up with this tradition? And how has it lasted? It was like a pre-internet peep show.
I was at the Orange and White game so I didn't see this on ESPN like everyone else. At least every single one of you sick bastards who sat at home on a perfect Saturday afternoon and watched a spring game on television. At least I drove up to Knoxville and back on the same day.
Bonus points for the audacity of showing up for a spring game dressed like this. However, I'm going to have to subtract a few of those points for the inconsistent capitalization. What is this, the 18th century?
Dear Sir, you could have borne a Cow aloft for the Meeting for Rawhide games.
Also, you know Sheryl is a middle-aged secretary that our middle-aged hero is trying to romance.
This is why you make sure you're married in your 40's.
Nothing is more self-defeating than a relationship between two single people in their 40's. It's like wedding the awkwardness of the teenage years with the angst of impending sexual irrelevancy. That's a bad combination.
I think we have an early leader in the beaver pelt trader of the week clubhouse. Whoever wrote this needs to come forward and admit how many hours he spent refining this masterpiece.
Oher grins and heads to the workout. While we're working on training with the elastic bands, jab-stepping across the field, Big Mike gives lady advice to Marcus Monk, wide receiver from Arkansas.
"You're too picky on girls, man. You got to lower your standards," says Oher.
"How low?" asks Monk.
"Five."
Monk rolls his eyes. "How 'bout this, I'll go 10, but it's got to be two girls. I'll do a 7 and a 3, 5 and a 5. But not no 8 and 2."
"I used to chase after 2's and 3's. Back in the day I was happy to get a 2," Oher says. "But now I've upped my standards. I'm up to fives."
"You need to up those standards again, you're going pro now," I say.
Big Mike pauses for several seconds to consider, wrinkles his forehead in thought: "Probably so," he eventually drawls.
All That and a Bag of Mail: Crunk Tennessee Edition
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is a bit of surprise this go-around, none other than a city. Yep, I bring you Crunk, Tennessee.
Courtesy of reader L'ance M. comes this email:
C'lay,
Big fan. First time caller...
I saw this and you were the first person I thought of: were you aware that there is a town in our beloved Volunteer state called...wait for it...
Crunk, Tennessee
I've lived in Tennessee all my life and was never aware of this awesomeness. My wife doesn't know it (yet) but we're moving.
I thought you'd appreciate this. Can't wait for the new book.
I know where I want to be buried now. At least if I die while I'm still interested in getting Crunk. This is an outstanding find, the Atlantis of the ClayNation. What are the odds that Ed Orgeron buys a home here solely so he can pull out his driver's license and say, "I live in Crunk," when talking to recruits.
I think it's gotta be high, very high.
My next book is going to be entitled, "Straight out of Crunk-ville."
Rich M. writes:
My parents were in La Jolla, California last week and I guess the hotel they were staying in had a courtesy shuttle of some sort. In any event, they had a young driver who asked them where they were from, they said Florida, etc. The kid said he loved SEC football, asked if they liked any particular team. My dad told him they were UT fans and he said his favorite sports writer, some clamslammer named Clay Travis, was a big Tennessee fan too.
If true, and clamslammer was dropped to someone's parents, that's extraordinary. Otherwise, no big surprise here. I'm huge with shuttle drivers in La Jolla, California.
True story, I went to a wedding reception recently in La Jolla for the Indian wedding. Attire is business casual at the bride's parents house. But, of course, I didn't bring more than one button down shirt. Which I was going to wear for the wedding because my friend Krishna doesn't tell me the dinner is business casual. The next day I had to go to a store to buy a tie. Which I also forgot, but that was entirely on me. I also didn't take enough shirts so I had to buy a t-shirt to have something to wear back. I opted for a t-shirt with the California state flag on it.
Anyway, I'm wearing jeans, a long-sleeve Michigan shirt, and flip flops to the bride's home. Everyone else is in shirt and tie or Indian dress attire. So I'm just this goofy, loser white guy who shows up to a $5 million dollar house dressed shabbily for the occasion. What's worse than this?
I walk in and immediately two Indian people are shaking their heads at me. I assume it's for my attire and then they walk over and say, "We went to Michigan State, you guys suck." So the only thing worse than being underdressed for a La Jolla wedding reception is being undressed for a La Jolla wedding reception in apparel for your wife's college, and getting ripped for it.
Mark V. writes:
Clay-
Okay, so, if you haven't watched Friday Night Lights yet this week, consider this your spoiler alert. Feel free to mark this email as unread and come back to it after viewing the episode.
I know everything I have playing out below is all based on a fictional television character deciding to go to a very real university, but, bear with me here.
So, as you know by now, Lyla Garrity is going to Vandy. What does it say about me (and the frequency of which I read your website) that the first thing I thought of when she decided to go to Vandy is that she would certainly join Kappa Alpha Theta? Naturally, my mind wandered four years down the line to when she would pose for the (now defunct) traditional senior picture of flashing the camera wearing nothing but "Theta Loves the 'Dores" stickers over her nips. Do you think the picture of a sticker clad Lyla Garrity standing front and center outside of the Theta house could cripple the entire internets if it was leaked to the web?
I think there's a distinct possibility it would.
Remember when the rumor was out there about the Erin Andrews sex tape? It was a made-up story, sadly, but I thought at the time that the internets would die then. I started picturing Katie Couric coming on CBS News and saying, "The Internet crashed today when every American male--and every woman who has ever said, "She's not really that hot," in regards to Andrews-- simultaneously attempted to view an Erin Andrews porn tape.
No joke, as soon as we heard that Lyla Garrity was coming to Vandy, I turned to my wife and asked her whether this meant that the Friday Night Lights crew might come to Nashville and shoot some scenes. Or will Lyla, Riggins, and the crew leaving for college all be written off the show.
Finally, what happened to Landry? Is he a year younger than everyone else?
Tony S. writes:
Clay-
I have a bit of a problem with something I truly love, which is spring football. The regular season is months away and I really do hate baseball. Spring football is a great way to bridge the gap between bowl games and preseason rankings. Believe me when I say that I fully understand that these are just practices, but I can't help it. (This would be a great place for the Allen Iverson "practice" hyperlink, but I don't know how to do that.) All the big schools try to market their spring games as a giant event, and I totally get caught up in it. My problem is, I don't know what is crossing the line and what isn't when it comes to glorified scrimmages. Can I travel hundreds of miles to attend? Are elaborate tailgates too absurd? Face paint? Banners? Can I go nuts like a real game or should I play it cool and treat it like it should be.
Well, I've ridiculed spring games before, but I'm heading up to Knoxville tomorrow to snag a couple of final paragraphs for the new book. So I'll have a firsthand view of the experience.
Back in 1986 or 1988, I can't remember which, I was a kid and was part of the largest crowd to ever see a spring game to that point. Something like 86,000 people showed up.
Plus, the older I get the more I understand why spring football is so important. Time between games passes much slower when you're out of college or grad school. Remember how fast the spring and summer went when you were finishing a semester and then headed somewhere for the summer? It was magic how quick fall returned.
So I can understand why you feel the need to latch on so strongly to the spring game when it comes, you've got to make it last for six months. Basically the spring game is like sex for married men.
Plus, you know a lot more about your team thanks to the internet. You can pay attention to the position battles on a much more nuanced scale. Twenty years ago you hardly knew anything that couldn't show up in a newspaper. Now lots of fans can recite the three-deep rotations for their entire team.
Think back to ten years ago, how many fans actually knew the running back coaches name? No one, right? And if they did know the running backs coaches name, you knew that was the weird 46 year old fan who had posters of the players up in his bedroom, and somehow knew the names of the cheerleaders too. I mean, it was really weird. Now it's no big deal to have that much information. What's more, it's not that big of a deal to know the assistant coaches at other schools. That would have been truly unheard of a decade ago.
Brian K. writes:
Liked the podcast.
Thought I would ponder you a question.
This has been debated among my SEC friends, but whose semen do you think would be worth more on the black market, Tim Tebow or Archie Manning? And by the black market I mean of course offering first dibs to rivals.com message board contributors. Now obviously Ole Miss, Tennessee and Florida fans are all biased and Tebow's professional expoits have yet to be determined. And ofcourse the lineage of Tebow's children has yet TBD (if he ever decides to de-flower himself) but as it will be documented everywhere this season, he is probably the most successful college football player of all time...even if you combine all three Manning boys. But having 2 out of 3 sons won a Super Bowl and being the #1 pick the NFL draft and arguable sign (Eli will soon, Petyton already) the richest NFL contracts of our generation would be awfully hard to pass up.
Even to bring it along further, is there anyone else out there in college football history whose reproductive fluids would go for more than a Manning or Tebow. I can't think of one...Maybe Hershel or Bo, maybe.
My black-market SEC semen rankings. For purposes of this analysis, I'm considering the South as one cohesive whole and eliminating regional eccentricities (For instance, Pat Dye would rank highly on the Plains, nowhere else.)
1. Tim Tebow-- Do you think Tim Tebow's dad ever looks at his son and thinks, "How did I create this?" I would.
2. Herschel Walker--(This is operating under the controversial assumption that racist SEC fans would overlook their son's mixed-race in favor of a greater likelihood of SEC scholarship. So effectively, I'm operating under a utopian color-blind society for purposes of this analysis. Also, as readers of Dixieland Delight already know, it's secretly every Georgia fan's dream that Herschel Walker sleep with their wife.)
3. Bo Jackson--What if the state of Alabama started advertising every single black kid in an orphanage as the son of Bo Jackson? All of a sudden every Baptist in Alabama would have five adopted black sons.
4. Peyton Manning--Sunscreen for forehead sales would surge 4,000% in Tennessee.
5. Bear Bryant-- You know what they call sushi in Alabama? Bear Bryant semen. True story.
6. David Pollack--An entire generation of Southern kids would high step across the playgrounds, save themselves before marriage, and cover their eyes and say, "Golly, stop it," when Athens, where boobs are fun, girls attempted to seduce them.
7. Eli Manning--Eli would rank higher if he hadn't already spread his seed so widely in Oxford that the value has plummeted.
8. Brodie Croyle--This value is inflated because he keeps spraining his wrist while trying to create samples.
Fanhouse Podcast Part Two: Writing and Irrational Fan Bases
Need 42 more minutes about book writing, turning 30, irrational fans, and God know's what other interludes and asides? Dive in here and listen along.
Above is the alternate cover to On Rocky Top. That cover came in second to the one we actually used. I really liked it until everyone starting point out it looks like the cover for a team that won a national championship. My agent disagreed, "Your team still had to run on the field," he said, "even if they got stomped once they got there."
Of course he does. Other coaches are ripping off their shirts and twirling them around their heads. Meanwhile Coach Leach is battening down the pirate hatches. Leach told Rivals
"I get texts once and a while [about the incidents]," Leach said. "I've got to believe that even their Somali pirate friends are going to kill some of those folks that messed with American ships. Because, up to this point, they hadn't really done that.
"It can't be much tougher than Grenada to straighten that situation out, I wouldn't think. We'll see what happens."
Yep, Coach Leach broke out a Grenada analogy. Coach Oregeron thinks Grenada is just a misspelling of granola.
Of course Leach got a back-handed dig in at the American attention span as well.
"Americans do have the ability to ruthlessly get behind their causes for a short term. I think these pirates are a short-term problem. I don't think that it's going to turn out well for them."
Speaking of which, am I the only person who thinks this is a big story because most people are still picturing the pirates who had cutlasses and chased around Johnny Depp? Somehow carrying a machine gun and riding around in a dingy with a motor makes you much less endearing.
(Tip of the beaver pelt to reader Andrew L. for the link.)
We enter a dark room and see a small, dark haired, forty-something woman sitting in the front of us. Not only is the room dark but there seems to be a sort of orange glow inside, like a light bulb has been covered with an orange peel. Several blue yoga mats are spread out on the floor and, and all the shades have been pulled on the windows, giving the room a cloistered, monkish feel. It's hot, boiling hot, the heat has been cranked up and New Age music is playing on the radio. It smells vaguely of incense. We sit down and begin to pull off our shoes and socks.
Our yoga instructor stands and approaches me as I'm pulling off my sweaty socks. "Now, I believe one of y'all is new. Where did you play?" she drawls.
Before I can answer, Turbo Leman introduces me, "He's the quarterback for Florida."
"Okay, good to have you with us. I'm Paige," our yoga teacher says.
Kentucky Basketball Fans Get Crunk to "Calipari, Calipari"
Tip of the beaver pelt to reader Er'ic N who writes:
"Not much to say other than it's on like Donkey Kong in the SEC."
Also, this Kentucky idolization of Bill Keightley really makes me uncomfortable. Yeah, we get it, he died and you loved him. That's great, fine and proper even. But putting him in videos and using his picture as your message board picture handle (as about half of Rupp Rafters does) is starting to make Alabama fans idolization of Bear Bryant look normal. At least he was the coach.
Jets Protest NFL Schedule Because It Conflicts With Jewish Holidays
The NFL contemplated responding by simply citing the fact that they make teams play on Christmas Day. Seriously, though, this is pretty lame of the Jets. Very lame.
We recently welcomed renowned lawyer turned author/blogger/athlete Clay Travis (read his new book!) to FanHouse. Naturally, we fired up the podcast machine. The result? Ye olde epic two-parter. The first half is after the jump and in it we answer the pressing questions: Is Tim Tebow a virgin? Is "fat-ass" an inappropriate term to use in intramural sports? Should you let your wife time your 40-yard dash? Is working at Deadspin fun? How many crazy pills did Lane Kiffin swallow? And, of course, who's more evil: Urban Meyer or Nick Saban? Do enjoy.
I think this went pretty well. And it better have because part two goes up tomorrow. Yep, it's an epic, the Moby Dick of podcasts.
Bruce Feldman, who I grabbed dinner with on Friday before his book signing at Davis-Kidd here in Nashville, is in Knoxville working on a story about Eric Berry for ESPN the Magazine. He posted on his blog, about Coach O in the Blind Side movie yesterday. He asked Coach Orgeron who would be playing him. The answer?
Speaking of which, a while back a buddy and I had wondered about who Hollywood would get to play Orgeron in the movie about Ole Miss offensive lineman Michael Oher. Turns out, Orgeron is going to play the role himself. Next week he's slated to go to Atlanta to do his scene with Sandra Bullock, the star of the movie.
"How amazing is that?" he said as he flipped over a copy of the movie script that had been FedExed to him.
Amazing indeed. I can't wait.
(Tip of the beaver pelt to readers John P. and Jason H. for the tip.)
Also, I have no idea why, but pictures aren't loading this afternoon on blogger. So you're all missing out on a great shot of Coach O.
Kurt Hester is the greatest NFL Combine trainer on earth. He's also the most entertaining. In this section of Rough Draft, we meet him. Read it here.
Raised in the Cajun back country, Hester is an adrenaline junkie who enjoys hunting wild hogs and alligators. In particular he likes to kill animals when they have a chance to kill him as well. Now, our conversation shifts from training for the NFL Combine to hunting. "Do you kill the hogs with guns?"
Kurt Hester looks at me sideways, shakes his head vigorously, as if I've just offered him a peppermint martini. "Naw, I don't kill hogs with guns. That ain't hunting. Guys go out in the woods and sit around all day and then shoot something from 400 yards away. Shit. We use dogs to corner the hogs, and then wait until the right moment and run up beside the hog and stab it in the throat with a knife. You've got to watch the tusks or they'll kill you. I like it because it's dangerous."
Similarly, Hester goes alligator hunting in the swamps with a knife, a small boat, and some rope. "I see an alligator and I just jump out of the boat on top of him and hold him down. Wrap that son of a bitch up. Because, you see, alligators can't really get you once you've clamped down their jaws. Well, they can get you with their tails, but that's why you lay on top of them."
Occasionally, to get a high school team fired up when they're training in his Louisiana gym, Hester releases wild alligators he's caught in the swamps in the weight room. He's put camouflage tape around the alligator's mouth, but the kids don't know this and go wild thinking the thrashing gator is about to attack them. After he's gotten them fired up, Hester sprints across the weight room, pulls out a knife, and stabs the gator in the head with a large hunting knife. He did this before a Louisiana high school football game recently, his team was playing a team nicknamed the Gators, and the team he trains won by four touchdowns. When I tell Eastern Michigan defensive end Jason Jones this story in the locker room a few minutes later, Jones nods, "That's a good idea," he says.
I guess once Baron Davis's beard started to twitter it was only a matter of time until Kyle Orton's neckbeard joined the twitter charge. What kind of thoughts does the neckbeard have? Go here to enjoy.
Coach tells me there's no "i" in "team"... but guess what? There's one in Irish Car Bomb!! Bottoms up bitches!!
Does anyone that works at McD's speak English in CO? I don't know how the fuck to say egg mcmuffin in mexican bro, give me my damn sandwich!
Yep, sounds about right.
I can't wait until he twits about the canzz in front of him in the above picture.
Thankfully they only had still photos of my wife up on their website during her cheerleader days. Because the video? Well, the video makes things a little creepier.
Almost as creepy as spelling Lesslye with a --ye. She's an accountant. (Insert paying her to do your taxes joke here.)
So if it's any consolation for bogeying the final two holes of the Masters and losing to a fat Argentinian in the playoff, at least lots of people want to have sex with his daughter.
As one way of saying thanks for all the readers who have allowed me to do what I do for a living, I'm serializing Rough Draft online for free. Here is part one up at FanHouse today. It's 7k words so be prepared once you start reading.
In the picture above, pictured from left to right, Oregon offensive tackle Geoff Schwartz, trainer Kurt Hester, Eastern Michigan defensive end Jason Jones, me, and Cal tight end Craig Stevens.
As a background, for those of you who aren't aware, I spent the 2008 winter training for the NFL Combine at D1 Sports here in Nashville. For the next two weeks you'll be able to read about it great detail.
In case you're one of those sick bastards who likes to look at real estate listings online without wearing any pants, here is Lane and Layla's new home. (I'm not one of these people, because I try not to wear pants all the time.) It's a 6500 square foot house on the lake in West Knoxville.
For the first time in 21 years, the Iron Bowl will be played on a Friday, thanks to CBS' decision to make the Alabama-Auburn game its lone college football broadcast the day after Thanksgiving.
The 2009 game is scheduled for Nov. 27 at Jordan-Hare Stadium. By moving the game to a non-traditional day, Auburn will receive an extra $300,000 as part of the SEC's annual revenue-sharing package. Alabama, as the visiting team, will earn an extra $200,000 as part of the CBS deal.
Tip of the beaver pelt to reader Bert N. for sending this to me several days ago. Apologies for taking so long to link this.
In theory this makes sense; it gives both programs national exposure on a day when every man on earth is trying to avoid having to go shopping anywhere. Plus, if you're willing to travel to a game on Saturday, there's no real reason you shouldn't be willing to travel on Friday. Granted an awful lot of Alabama and Auburn fans will have to work on this Friday, and that will really suck for them, but television dictates everything now, and I'd think many more people will watch this game on Friday than would watch on Saturday.
What does it mean for the LSU-Arkansas games that have been televised on Friday? The last two years that's arguably been the most entertaining game on the SEC slate. It means that LSU-Arkansas is back to a Saturday kickoff. Which kind of sucks to be honest. A double-dip of SEC football on Friday would have been pretty nice.
There has to be a full video of this somewhere. I can't tell you how disappointing it was to see this email subject heading and then only get a short clip. Somewhere, anywhere?
A domestic violence suspect who police say hid in an attic while his girlfriend called 911 went to jail early today after he fell through the ceiling. Al-Pacino Shipp
Al-Pacino Shipp
Al-Pacino Shipp, 26, has been charged with domestic assault and vandalism.
Al-Pacino attempted to post bond with his autographed Scarface wall-mount, but was told that what he paid for an item on eBay was not its actual value.
You know what this reminds me of? While I was at GW our starting center was accused of raping a prostitute with a broom handle. He was later convicted. His name?
Attila Cosby.
Yep, Attila. Be careful when it comes to names, parents, very careful.
All That and a Bag of Mail: Crying Over Friday Night Lights Edition
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Before we get rolling along too far, let me go ahead and pass out the beaver pelt trader of the week award to my editor Kate (she's the one on the right pictured above). We've knocked out the second round of edits, and I can't begin to tell y'all how much better the book is because of how much Kate has pushed me. She's like Bobby Knight when it comes to editing my work, ruthless, precise, and generally 100% accurate with her suggestions. On Rocky Top is going to be really good, and a great percentage of the credit goes to Kate.
Also, I have other good news to announce, the NFL Draft book, Rough Draft, which I wrote after training for the NFL Combine in the spring of 2008, is going to be serialized online for free at Fanhouse.com. I'm also pleased to announce that I'll be joining Fanhouse as a columnist/writer beginning on Monday when the NFL Draft book will begin to be serialized. I'll have more details forthcoming, but wanted mailbag readers to hear it from before they heard it anywhere else. (I'm making a vast assumption that you might have heard it somewhere else.)
Anyway, on to emails from tough guys who cry while watching Friday Night Lights. It's a short version this week because I've been editing two books all week long. As a prelude, you'll recall that I wrote this in the mailbag last week:
"Finally, I'm not ashamed to admit this, but the last four episodes of FNL have all made me cry. That's unbelievable for a television show, truly unbelievable."
David B. writes:
Clay,
Don't feel bad about crying during Friday Night Lights. I wasn't patient enough to wait for NBC so I watched the pirated episodes online on my laptop as they aired on Direct TV. My roommate walked into my room as I was weeping during the end of the last Smash episode(when the whole team comes out to help him practice). I can't imagine how weird it looked to him as I was laying in my bed in the dark with headphones in staring at my Mac and sobbing. He said, "are you watching sad porn?". I should also mention I'm a 25 year old male...or maybe I shouldn't have mentioned any of this?
We need a support group for men who cry during Friday Night Lights. Maybe Coach Taylor's wife can give us hugs.
Cade R. writes:
Before FNL, I can remember crying only once in my entire my life during a movie/tv show. I watched the first season and a half of FNL after they had been released, so I was watching 3 or 4 episodes a night for a while. I watched Ken Burns 'The War' at the same time I was watching FNL. Both made me cry. The War is easy ... it humanized WWII in a way I had never seen before ... and it was about real people. But I had to explain to my wife why I was consistently tearing up during FNL (she didn't actually watch it).
I feel no shame.
Nor should you. Suggestion, if you find yourself tearing up over FNL, keep it turned to Lifetime on the background. When your wife comes back in, flip back over and announce you're crying because you've just realized how much of a patriarchy modern society is.
Assuming you didn't marry a dolt, this will get you good sex for the night.
Jim R. writes:
Clay, I cry over Friday Night Lights each week, but only because I know we'll never see Coach Taylor's wife topless. Crying for any other reason is unacceptable.
Hopefully the Easter Bunny will bring everyone's wife Coach Taylor's cannzz.
USF head coach Jim Leavitt’s 40 time: 5.72 seconds, making him faster than both ourselves and Clay Travis. This is not footage of Jim Leavitt running the 40, though if you’d like to view it as a metaphor about what he as a the sturdy 52 year old did to men half his age who couldn’t run that fast, you go right ahead and do that.
This of course, is a flagrant inaccuracy. I ran a 5.33 handheld before my training was done. Note, by the way, the nice bait and switch brought on in the Leavitt video. They show him surveying the laser-timed forty, which adds approximately .15 or .2 to the actual time, before the strength coach shows the hand-timer. Nice move Leavitt, nice move indeed.
(By the way, the guy pictured above? Emailed to me as a Clay Travis lookalike recently. Awesome, you all have such positive views of my attractiveness. Like this man, I have simian arms.)
To make up for the defamation, here is Spencer Hall being choked out while grappling with an MMA wrestler.
Scene: One of Saddam's palaces in Iraq. Either there or Versailles.
Lane: Alright, okay, just to confirm, I've got the white, okay?
Peyton: I've got the creamy orange.
Lane: You don't think I could go bright orange, how creamy is creamy?
Peyton: It's like a orange creamsicle, maybe been out doors for like twenty minutes in a Knoxville summer.
Lane: I'm torn here, torn. Okay, because I think the bright orange might look good, okay, we'd look like twins, but I don't want to stand you up, okay.
Peyton: I think you should go white, it's classic, heavenly.
Lane: You think?
Peyton: Definitely. And when we smile, I want you to gently open your mouth, but not bare your teeth. They're doing us in a soft lens, we've got Saddam's photographer. He also shot Napoleon, he'll do us up right.
The coolest thing we saw: On the 16th, after hitting normal tee shots, the crowd regales the golfers with chants of, "Skip, skip." At first I had no idea what was going on -- but I learned. Each golfer will proceed to just before the pond, place a new ball down, and then attempt to skip his ball across the surface of the pond to the green beyond. This is simply amazing to see. Each golfer is capable of skipping the ball as if he were in the rock-skipping world championships. If the ball makes it all the way across without sinking, the crowd erupts in cheers. This was definitely the loudest hole of Monday as you could hear the 16th from anywhere on the course.
Here's my 2008 Masters column. There's probably a 2007 version as well, but my amazing google skills of tying in Clay Travis and Master's, didn't pull it up.
Paul Kuharsky Does a Great Job Breaking Down Vince Young Salary Implications
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
There has been a ton of talk around the Titans franchise about the future of Vince Young with the team. Especially since the Titans signed Patrick Ramsey last week. Paul Kuharsky brings us VY's tab here.
Kuharsky's key takeaway:
Barring a scenario where he replaced an injured Kerry Collins and had an MVP season or won a Super Bowl as the starter -- and maybe even in the context of such unlikely events -- it's unfathomable that Young will be a Titan under this contract in 2010 -- when he's due a $4.25 roster bonus, a $7.5 million base salary and would cost $14.21 against the cap under contract and only $4.29 million if he was taken off the roster in 2010.
It's awfully hard to see any future for VY with the Titans, and it's amazing how quickly things have soured here. At least publicly. Privately the Titans may have had reservations for some time, but since September everything has unraveled.
We should have all seen this coming as soon as the shirtless pictures emerged and we all learned that VY has a tattoo of his name on his back that looks just like his name on the jersey. If naked photos of Kerry Collins partying in a cowboy hat come out, I'm moving.
Vince Carter, Julius Peppers (hello Houston Texans, Makhtar Ndayie, and Antawn Jamison. Somehow, I think this picture is probably worth more to North Carolina fans than the national championship. Almost.
Do you think this is what those guys made Ndayie do in exchange for buying all his drinks for the weekend?
Quincy Carter Playing Pro Football Again; For the Abilene Rough Riders
What's amazing is that Quincy Carter is still only 31. How is that possible? Doesn't it seem like he should be 40? He's already played pro baseball, quarterbacked Georgia for three years, gotten cut by 8 NFL teams, and been arrested about fifteen times. He also got a higher Wonderlic score than me back when I bombed the Wonderlic a couple of years ago. In fact, Quincy tested in the top five percent of all humans. Meaning...he definitely cheated.
The 31-year-old Carter earns the league standard of $200 per game, plus a $50 bonus for every win. His next start is Saturday against the Omaha Beef.
The Indoor Football League has 19 teams across 13 states, including Alaska, Michigan, South Dakota and Texas.
Congrats to ClayNation Otters Chicken Tenders Bracket Winner Scott E aka GW in 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Email me Scott and claim your prize. Scott triumphed by locking down all four Final Four teams and correctly picking the final game. As if that weren't enough he also had 6 of 8 elite 8 teams and 13 of 16 sweet 16 teams. Meaning he really trounced your bracket. Unless you were Joshua L. with the Lower Income Tax Bracket and you got 7 out of 8 elite 8 teams, also got the final four and the championship game correct, and managed to lose by one point. Ouch.
For the record I managed to finish in 152nd place.
I'm worthless right now because I've been editing the new book for 8 consecutive hours, so there won't be anything else from me today. I can barely see straight right now. I'm headed out to the final Nashville Predators game of the season. Enjoy Jessica Biel's rear.
Here's the audio of my pick discussions. In my defense I was drunk when I texted in my picks. But I wanted to make sure and include one protected seed black woman because no minority has ever advanced to the second round of Roundtable Radio's challenge. Last year I gave a heartfelt on-air plea on Beyonce's behalf and called all listeners racist. This year I was ridiculed for my selection of Taraji P. Henson, aka Benjamin Button's adopted mom and the crack whore from Hustle and Flow. Granted,as you'll hear from the audio, I should have gone with the smoking hot, and fellow GW grad who attended school at the same time that I did, Kerry Washington.
The winning bidder will become the head coach of the “White” team in the spring game, which will be televised live by CSS. As head coach, the lucky fan will participate in staff meetings as the teams are “drafted,” give the pregame speech and make the tough gameday decisions for their team.
“This is another way to try to get our fans involved in this program and let them be a part of what we hope will be a very special team,” Mullen said. “The fans have been so supportive everywhere we’ve been and I have no doubt this will be a great success.”
Bidding will close at 12 noon on Monday, April 13, and the winner will be invited to attend the Friday morning staff meeting at which the teams are selected.
“There’s a responsibility here for the winner,” Mullen said. “We’ll get them in new adidas coaching gear and they’ll be featured on the television broadcast but - just like in everything we do - there will be a winner and a loser and the rewards that come with each!”
The exclamation at the end of the quote kills me. Is there any way he actually uttered this line in an exclamatory fashion?
Anyway, get on it, bidding's only open for one more week.
All That And a Bag of Mail: The Last Twentysomething Edition
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Somewhere in the neighborhood of four years ago we started All That and a Bag of Mail. I've probably responded to thousands of emails since then. All of them had one thing in common, I answered them while I was still in my 20's. Today marks the last version of the mailbag that will be written from that perspective. Come Monday I'll turn 30.
I'd be lying if I didn't feel like this is a point of demarcation. Our beaver pelt trader of the week goes to your 20's. Don't wast them.
Kyle H. writes:
Hey Clay,
Quick question, how do you think the UK faithful's response to Coach Cal's signing will compare to The Bammer faithful's signing of Nick Saban? I have been in contact with several UK people, and they seem borderline obsessed with Coach Cal, even before he agreed to be their coach. Could this possibly measure up to the Bammer's worship of "Saint Nick"? Also, how does it feel to be the leading authority on the matter. I know I go to Claynation first for all my SEC related news.
I think Kentucky basketball fans are more irrational than Alabama football fans. But I think they're one and two on the list of most irrational fans on earth. Third is Notre Dame football fans. I'm working on a list of these fan bases that will be out some time after I get the latest version of the book turned in on Thursday of next week. Then I can take a breath and come up from editing.
I'll put it this way, more Kentucky fans woke up with erections after dreaming about Calipari than Alabama fans did after dreaming about Saban.
As for being considered the authority on SEC news, I'm touched. Other classmates of mine are authorities on malpractice, bankruptcy, and real estate law. I don't have any of those. It's nice to be able to hang the beaver pelt on something.
Anna D. writes:
Clay;
My friend and I were in Indianapolis this past week for the regional games. She is a Kansas fan and I, a Tennessee grad, came along for the ride and enjoyment of college athletics.
We settled into our seats on Friday after the Louisville blowout and were ready for a MSU/KU battle when all of a sudden I thought I was back in the swamp. All the green MSU fans were riding horses and gator chopping. Literally, they pretend to ride horses, yell gibberish and then gator chop. We asked multiple MSU fans around us and not one could tell us the rationale for the gator chop, other than to insist it was not a gator chop (it was).
The only input we got was that the band was playing the Jaws theme song. I am not sure what that guy was listening to, but he has clearly never heard Jaws if he thought that was the theme. We decided they were riding horses into the water to be eaten by sharks.
I am hoping that your infinite NCAA knowledge or your wife’s knowledge of her rival school might be able to explain to me what in the world this cheer means.
I'm drawing a blank here. And Lara doesn't know either. Although, interestingly, even though she hates Michigan State she's rooting for them to win the championship. I'm still pulling for North Carolina on the basis of pan-southernism, but I definitely think the state of Michigan deserves some good news. Every time I visit there things get worse.
I don't think winning an NCAA Championship will really change anything, but I do think it could offer a small measure of solace, some belief that good things can still happen in Michigan. Because right now there's none of it.
Back to your description, I love the idea of riding the horses into the sea. It's kind of like 300 meets basketball cheering.
Jose Jose runs a 5.53 forty. This is the first football recruit I've ever seen with a posted forty time lower than my own. Despite this he's got offers from Alabama, Florida, Miami and Tennessee.
Can't you already see Verne Lundquist chortling about this name? And making the same joke four consecutive years? If Jose Jose was from Hawaii, I'd go ahead and take Lundquist in the death pull for the 2010 football season. He'd chortle to death after telling the anecdote.
Ken G. writes:
Clay:
As a Nashville guy, can you help out on whether Jay Cutler has always been this crazy, or did the thin air of Colorado drive him this crazy?
As a Gator fan, I never had any love for the Cutler family after his Dad was seen doing the premature Gator Chop in the Swamp in the game that cemented Cutler's draft status -- a game lost on an overtime pick forced by Cutler and a failure to get off the two point conversion correctly in overtime, the kind of odd failures that tormented Cutler as a Bronco.
I could never place it with Cutler, but after hearing the stories around Denver that his Dad goes to all the practices and that he got kicked out of his golf club for refusing to where the proper attire and watching his bad body language on the field, I always had mixed view of him. But when Jake Plummer dropped the "Jeff George" comparison on him, I thought, well maybe that is it. At Vandy, did his parents ever run onto the field?
One more: I was told this morning that his dad turned his playbook at the Bronco Complex this morning. I didn't see it, but one of the local TV stations must have had that nugget, so should be on the web. If true, that is an all-time classic.
Ken G.
I love, love, love the idea of Papa Cutler taking the playbook back to the team. That's too good not to be true. It also points out that some parents continue to treat their kids professional careers as the equivalent of playing for a 7th grade team.
To answer the question, I like Cutler. I've seen him out at Nashville bars for five years, and he's never had an entourage. Plus, his friends aren't even that cool. You'd never believe he was one of the 10 or 12 best at anything, for the way he carries himself. He stands in line at the bar just like everyone else. On some level, and I realize bar psychology probably doesn't translate that well to the NFL, that's a tremendous positive. And is bar psychology really any less valid than the Wonderlic or the scouting services that completely miss on guys? Like, do you have any doubt that if Ryan Leaf had been out the bar with you, he would have been a complete asshole? There's a theory here waiting to be unpacked that is probably worth millions.
Based on this, I've always thought Cutler comes across much worse on television and with the media than he actually is in real life. I'm sympathetic to this, some people just look awkward on television. Like me. You have to be trained to look normal on television, and maybe Cutler just hasn't bought in. Plus, to his credit he's honest. Most quarterbacks just spout off the same old cliches. Yeah, he's in love with his arm, but don't you think most quarterbacks are? And there isn't a single person on earth you'd want to share a beer with that couldn't be strung up and hanged in the court of public opinion for actually speaking their minds with the media. No one. So I respect people who are willing to be honest.
Personally, I think the Bears got a steal. If you can get a proven NFL quarterback who is only 25 for two first round picks and Kyle Orton, then you absolutely have to take him, have to. That's ten years of golden quarterback performance they've just locked in. It doesn't guarantee you're going to win a championship, but it gives you better odds than any other two or three players you could acquire would give you. Put it this way, what team in the NFL wouldn't have mortgaged everything to go back and take Peyton Manning?
When it comes to great quarterbacks you really can't pay too much, and I think Cutler is going to be a great quarterback.
Lou I. writes:
Cla'y:
Just saw your Friday Night Lights renewal post and am thrilled that the Panthers are back on for another two seasons of Coach Taylor making wonderful play calls only in the last :30 seconds of any game in order to steal victory from a far inferior team. Seriously, he's easily the worst coach in Texas for 3.85 quarters of every game. He's the anti-Leach.
But that's not my purpose here. My question to you and your male readership is: assuming you were a Panther, which of the Dillon girls would you most want to involve yourself with? The parameters are these: you are the character -- the you from high school. So if you were a QB, then you're the QB. But if you were a dork, you're still a dork -- and the girls are as they are portrayed on the show. And notice is used the ambiguous term "involve" and neither "date" nor "hook up." Because I'm not sure that any of the characters on the show -- or any real high schooler, for that matter -- knows the difference.
I'd go for Julie for multiple reasons. First, while she's not as hot as Lyla, or as sexy as Tyra, she's also not as ridiculous as either of those two and carries little-to-no baggage. Second, she is attractive and has the largest breasts. And personality. Personality is important. Third, her mom is hot. Fourth, it's always more adventurous when -- like Saracen -- the father could hurt you in more than just the physical way. And, finally, you know the payoff would be worth it when you finally accomplished the mission. Also, she has large breasts.
Thoughts?
This is a really confusing hypothetical. If you can only date the girl that dated the guy like you in high school, then you really don't have a choice, right?
Well, there's zero doubt in my mind that I'm Landry. Although, like every single person reading this response, I was better looking than Landry in high school. He's probably the ugliest drama character in the history of television. But like every other character on FNL, he's awesome. Just once I'd like for someone to point out how much Landry is outkicking his coverage by hooking up with Tyra.
I've had a flame burning for Lyla Garrity for a while. (By the way, her giving up Vanderbilt for San Antonio State is the greatest upset since Tyson lost to Buster Douglas in Japan.) But I think it's clear she wouldn't date Landry. I like Julie, but I think she has big ears. And I can't ever stop looking at her ears, because she's constantly pushing her hair behind her ear when she talks. It drives me crazy. While Tyra is really hot, she appears to be about 6'4.
So I'm rapidly driving down my options. I think I'd go with the lesbian in the band. For three reasons: 1. I don't believe she's really a lesbian. But I think she's confused about her sexuality. Which means she might be willing to have a threesome with you. 2. She seems pretty normal. 3. I think she'll be hot for a few decades, and keep getting better looking every year for the next two decades. She'll be that girl rocking that unexpected high school reunion hotness.
Finally, I'm not ashamed to admit this, but the last four episodes of FNL have all made me cry. That's unbelievable for a television show, truly unbelievable.
Last week I slammed Twitter in the mailbag. This redeems my faith in the medium. Based entirely on his beard twitters, I think Baron Davis and I would really get along well.
We've entered final four weekend with many of your brackets collapsing. I'm currently at 111th place. But some of us are thriving. Here's the top five for your perusal/jealousy.
1 GWin2009 Scott E 47 of 60 106 170 2 Lower Income Tax Bracket Joshua L 46 of 60 105 169 3 Max Fisher's Picks gmr0723 47 of 60 103 167 3 Douglas Keith Roth Fletch F Fletch 48 of 60 103 151 5 bulwarks A Yahoo! Contributor 47 of 60 102 118
Who is in last place with a completed bracket at 376? Put On For Tennessee. The Final Four of Tennessee, LSU, Louisville, and Maryland does for you. But so does having only 5 of 16 alive by the Sweet 16. Ashton Main is sad for you, so very sad.
Pearl Stiff-Arms $3-3.5 Million Memphis Offer; Tennessee Is A Basketball School
It's rare that a college coach anywhere takes less money to stay at his old job. Hell, it's rare that anyone at any job takes significantly less money to stay at their old job. On Thursday, after a day of intense speculation that sent the internets afire, Pearl turned down Memphis. Here's the Knoxville News-Sentinel article.
Now that Pearl has turned down Iowa, Indiana, and Memphis in the past couple of years, I think it's time for Tennessee fans to accept that Pearl isn't leaving anytime soon. The one thing that scares me a bit is that the NBA might come calling one day or another, but I think Pearl is ours to keep for a long time.
Does finishing in the top four in the country's attendance with over 20k fans per home game, not demonstrate basketball interest? (I haven't seen 2009 numbers yet, but Tennessee's numbers went up this year. Meaning 2009 Tennessee would be greater than North Carolina and Syracuse in 2008. So number two in the country is an outside possibility.) Does paying your basketball coach more than than your football coach not indicate basketball interest? Does having one of the most lucrative basketball facilities in the country (thanks to all the suites and the attendance), not indicate basketball interest? Any media member who says that Tennessee isn't a basketball school is guilty of misspeaking. And worst than misspeaking, they're just being lazy.
Just because Tennessee ranks number one for women's basketball attendance (by the way 5k less people attend the women's games, the other fallacy is that women's basketball attendance dwarfs men's), number four for men's basketball, and number three for men's football just means that there are a ton of Tennessee fans, not that men's basketball doesn't matter. Tennessee is the only program in the country that ranks in the top five for all three of these sports. I may be wrong, but I don't believe there is any other program in the country that ranks in the top 20 in all three of these categories.
It's time for talking-heads to let go of the antiquated notion that a school is a "football" or "basketball" school. If you're a top athletics program in a major conference, you shouldn't take any season off. And, for the record, Tennessee basketball drew an impressive amount of fans even without Pearl. The arena was just so large, it wasn't full. Even when the team sucked, fans were turning out. Now they're just turning out more. With Pearl there, they'll keep coming. Tough luck Memphis.
First of a Three-Part Interview With Cultural Intellect
Thursday, April 2, 2009
In this portion of the interview I touch on Coach Cal, the NCAA Tournament, and whatnot. There are two more portions yet to come. Hard at work on another round of edits for the book (it ships out back to my editor a week from Friday) so I may vanish for decent amounts of time on email and the like.
This while, Tiffany Carpenter, Tennessee Athletic's Director of Public & Media Relations says Coach Pearl will be issuing a statement himself, within the next hour committing to stay at the University of Tennessee as the Men's Basketball Coach. Pearl is out of the State today on Business, not related to the Memphis Coaching position, which apparently he's not interested in nor is he apparently interested in even interviewing or talking with Memphis officials about the Calipari vacancy.
Last night rumors started to swirl about Bruce Pearl leaving Tennessee for Memphis. Generally Pearl has been quick to shoot down these rumors in the past. So far this time, the silence is deafening. Pearl is one of the most accessible coaches in the country, when he's not responding to texts or phone calls, I'm inclined to believe something is up. Now via reader Brian K. comes a Memphis report that Pearl will interview in Memphis today.
MEMPHIS, TN (WMC-TV) - Sources tell Action News 5 the University of Memphis has offered Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl a seven year, $21 million contract to fill the vacant Tiger head coach position.
The source tells Action News 5's Jarvis Greer that Pearl has expressed interest, and is expected to be in Memphis today or tomorrow to interview for the job.
It's worth noting that the guy linked above also says that Bobby Knight has already interviewed. Which seems a bit odd.
I'm inclined to believe that Pearl is behaving like your college girlfriend after you forgot your six month anniversary. She's sitting at the bar and letting the rich kid buy her a drink and listen to her sob stories. She keeps looking over her shoulder because she wants you to come rescue her and apologize for your transgressions. Even still, you've gotta hope she doesn't drink too much and end up getting railed on a futon. Now we need Mike Hamilton to play the role of gallant knight and swoop in to apologize for forgetting the six-month anniversary.
Regardless, word out of Knoxville has been that Pearl didn't like the way UT fans responded to the Great Wall of Vagina's/Charge of the Cameltoe Brigade season. If he leaves UT for Memphis, this is similar to but worse than Pitino to Louisville. At least Pitino allowed a couple of years to lapse between his traitorous moves. Pearl? He'd be dead to all of us. Immediately.
As for Memphis, it would take the entire city about two months to forget that Calipari ever existed. But let's not pretend this wouldn't be debilitating for Tennessee basketball. Because it would be awful. Beyond words awful.
Occasionally people write and ask why, if I'm such a proponent of beards, I'm not willing to go all out and grow a Civil War era, Lafayette McLaws-like, beard. The answer is quite simple: I'm not man enough. But if you've ever doubted that truly going all out with the beard overwhelms the defenses of all women, here goes. Meet reader Brian M.'s brother, and his coterie of hotties.
Quoth Brian M.:
Ok, as you know I'm not BGID...something about my brokerage firm frowning on their younger brokers growing beards, that and it would be splotchy at best. But my brother is definitely BGID see the pics. So i get the magic of the beard.
Welcome to Lexington World Wide Wes; Meet Calipari's Fixer
The World Wide Wes phenomenon has brought Coach Cal some of his most successful players. But who is this guy? In a sports age when there are no real secrets check out this GQ article from a couple of years ago.
Others weren’t quite so surprised to see William Wesley—or Wes, as he’s known—in the middle of the fray. “At any given time, if you look at any sporting event, there’s a very good chance you’re going to see Wes,” says NBA analyst David Aldridge. Over the years, Wes has been spotted hugging Jerry Jones on the field after a Cowboys Super Bowl win, high-fiving University of Miami football players after a national championship win, and embracing Joe Dumars after the Pistons won the NBA Finals. He’s been spotted sitting next to Jay-Z at the NBA All-Star Game, with Nike czar Phil Knight at the Final Four, and trolling the sidelines of Team USA practices in Las Vegas and Japan. “People who really know Wes,” says superagent David Falk, Wes’s longtime friend, “know that he’s one of the two or three most powerful people in the sport.”
I read this article several years ago, but it's even more impressive now. Read it. Even though it's long, even though you probably could do something more productive, you won't be reading anything more interesting.
Here's more:
Recalling that early period, 2 Live Crew frontman Luther Campbell tells me, “My claim to fame is that I took Wes on his first flight on a jet. We went to the NBA All-Star Game, we went to the University of Miami games, we went everywhere. We were at a Mike Tyson fight in Atlantic City, and Wes took me back into the casino vault! With the money! You only get to go back there if you’re an employee or you’re one of the boys. I said, ‘Oh, my God! Who the hell are you, Wes? What’d you do?’ And Wes said, ‘I just know everybody.’ ”
And here comes the Memphis connection:
In 2001, Wes’s godson and Milt’s son, Dajuan Wagner, was the consensus best high school basketball player in the world. If Dajuan had entered the NBA draft after his junior year at Camden High, he might have been the number one pick. But Wes persuaded him to let the NBA wait and spend a year or two playing for John Calipari at the University of Memphis. The deal came with plenty of strings attached: Wes made it clear to Calipari that Dajuan was more inclined to sign with a school that also gave a free ride to his best friend, Arthur Barclay, an all-state player who’d been passed over because of poor test scores. (Done.) Then Milt, despite lacking a college degree, was hired to be Memphis’s head of basketball operations. When news of the deal leaked out, the media crucified Calipari, painting it as nothing more than legalized graft. Wes answered accusations that something shady had gone down, saying, “Man, I’ve heard the second-guessing. It’s simple: Juanny needed to improve his defense and prove that he can play on the next level. Coach Cal can help him do that. What do I have to gain by him going to Memphis?”
Wes had been managing Dajuan’s career since the boy was 11, and so when it came time for Dajuan to head to Memphis, Wes went along. After only one season—in which Dajuan averaged twenty-one points a game—Calipari called Milt and Dajuan into his office. “I tore up Dajuan’s scholarship in front of him to make sure he understood he wasn’t coming back,” Calipari says. Dajuan was ready for the NBA. The Cavaliers selected him in the first round of the 2002 draft, and as Dajuan made his move from college to the pros, Wes was there to ease the transition. In his first year, Dajuan was among NBA rookie leaders in scoring, assists, and minutes played.
But this is my favorite part from the nine-page story:
Wes asked Barbosa who his favorite player was.
“Michael Jordan,” Barbosa said.
Wes activated the keypad on his steering wheel. And in an instant, the car’s speakers filled up with the sound of a ringing phone. No answer. But then a voice: Michael Jordan asking the caller to leave a message. Dole had no clue who Wes was, but he and Leandro were blown away. The show was on.
What kind of music do you like?
“Jay-Z.”
Wes pounded away at the keypad, there was the sound of a phone ringing, and this time there was an answer. Jay-Z. He and Beyoncé were working late in the studio. There were a few moments of conversation, and Leandro attempted to sing Jay-Z’s hit song “Hard Knock Life.” Beyoncé laughed. Jay-Z laughed.
As reader Robert B., who sent the link, says: Clay,
In all my years of following sports I had never heard of this guy Will Wesley until recently. Which when you read the article below, is surprising. Will, or World Wide Wes, literally knows everyone in basketball and the pop culture that surrounds it. You may know about him, so disregard if you do. But if it's true that he really sends recruits to Calipari, combine that with UK's resources and general attraction itself, there is no ceiling for their future.
Travis has become enamored of several objects, phrases or events which he frequenly references in the column. Among the most frequent:
'Bama Bangs - a term coined by Travis to refer to southern men's hairstyles that feature prominent bangs for no apparent reason. Brodie Croyle and John Parker Wilson are oft-cited violators of 'Bama Bangs rules.
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When Clay Travis, acclaimed author of Dixieland Delight, decided to spend the 2008 season up close and personal with UT football, he—and every other college football aficionado—thought he was in for a rollicking ride with one of the leading contenders for the national title. After all, when the Vols kicked off the season on September 1, the defending SEC East champions were ranked 18th in the country. As head coach Phillip Fulmer prepared for the game, he reflected upon a coaching career that included an astounding 147 victories, two SEC championships, and a national title. With 34 years at UT under his belt as both a player and coach, the Tennessee native had just signed a contract extension that projected to keep him at the university long enough to become the winningest coach in program history.
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There is no college ball more passionate and competitive than football in the Southeastern Conference, where seven of the twelve schools boast stadiums bigger than any in the NFL and 6.5 million fans hit the road every year to hoot and holler their teams to victory.
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The newly favored man is not really a man at all, but a hairless, effeminate, germ-fearing, non-meat-eating, exfoliating, wristband-wearing woman of the worst order. We as men are told that we must embrace the sacred feminine in ourselves, even if it doesn't actually exist, and become the very quintessence of woman, plus penises. This situation is untenable. This trend must stop.
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Clay Travis is the only former student manager in the history of college athletics to marry an NFL cheerleader. He managed to pull this off despite an irrational affinity for the television shows Dawson's Creek and My Super Sweet 16. While being raised in Nashville, Tenn., Travis developed a healthy obsession with college sports and Alyssa Milano. As a teenager his greatest accomplishment was taking a doo-rag wearing Luke Duke (balling as Tom Wopat) to the hole at the Nashville YMCA.
In the midst of a stellar legal career during which he specialized in rewarding the unjust and punishing the oppressed, Travis began writing for CBS Sports's SPiN section in September 2005...
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