My prayers are answered. Coach Taylor, his hot wife, Tami, and the merry band of miscreants in Dillon, Texas will return for another two seasons. Tip of the beaver pelt to Hollywood reader Rich M. for yesterday's update from Variety linked here.
"Friday Night Lights" fans were handed the equivalent of a Super Bowl victory on Monday as NBC and DirecTV confirmed that the ensembler has been renewed for two seasons.
The new pact covers the show's fourth and fifth seasons, which will consist of 13 segs apiece. It continues the innovative partnership between the Peacock and the satcaster that saved "FNL" from cancellation this season, the third for the Peabody-winning series revolving around a high school football team in a small Texas town.
My wife also loves this show. So does everyone else I know who has ever watched it. The real question is, why don't more people watch? Is it because guys don't watch many dramas and women think the show is exclusively about football? That's the only reason I can think of. Because right now this is the best written show on television. Every character is exquisitely rendered, complex, yet engaging. It's just what great television should aspire to be.
I've been telling my wife for a while that I need Coach Taylor to follow me around and pep me up when I need it. "Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose."
This is why I hate many traffic cops: Texans' running back Ryan Moats edition
Monday, March 30, 2009
A.J. wrote about this at Deadspin but I didn't see it there until today. Here's the deal with this story, Ryan Moats is rushing his wife to the hospital because her mother is literally dying in the hospital. On his way he runs a red light after stopping to make sure the coast is clear. Here's the result.
And here's part two.
By the time Moats entered the hospital his mother-in-law was dead.
Dating culture is dead - instead, young New Zealand women are regularly getting drunk and cruising around in packs looking for men to have sex with.
That's one of the findings of a TVNZ Sunday investigation into the sexual behaviour of New Zealand women. The programme makers did the story after Kiwi women last year topped the Durex Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey as the world's most promiscuous.
They are reported to have an average of 20 sexual partners, double that of their Australian and British counterparts and almost three times the global average of seven.
Ben W. sends the link and writes:
After reading this article it seems to me that New Zealand could be the new vacation spot for lonely men. Although, based on the last line of the article Kiwi men are struggling to keep up. I mean really, what is this:
"The Sunday Star-Times' Being a Bloke survey last year found that 29% of the 5000 men surveyed felt they had been pressured into having sex or had had sex unwillingly."
I think in the next edition of Man: The Book you should include a rule that condemns a man from uttering the phrase "I was pressured into having sex."
Yeah, that's pretty indefensible. Unless you read between the lines and "been pressured into having sex or having sex unwillingly" actually means, "woke up next to a really fat girl and are still getting made fun of by their friends for it." Basically it's a really small fig leaf.
By the way, what if you're the random chick who is pictured above from the article? Your backside is being used to emphasize how slutty an entire nation's women are.
1. It's good for the league at large. Not having a representative in the Sweet 16 for the first time since 1989 should have been an eye-opener. So should the seeding the SEC teams received. Mississippi State, a twenty-win team, got pimp-slapped with a 13 seed. That's lower tier single bid conference territory. Something has to change in the way the SEC schedules out-of-conference and in national perception of the league. And the top teams in the conference have to be good, really good.
2. I don't think this actually hurts Tennessee or Florida very much. No one has talked about it but Bruce Pearl became the first coach in the history of the SEC to finish above Kentucky in conference for four consecutive years. Cal makes that harder, but it probably opens up Memphis to Pearl in a way Memphis hasn't been opened up before. With the Conference USA affiliation and star coach spurning them, it's altogether possible that Memphis slides into conference obscurity.
3. Even more significantly, it makes a win over Kentucky epic in the eyes of the NCAA selection committee. Right now a Kentucky win is valueless. And a loss is awful. Winning at Rupp should be worth a seed line or two. Last year multiple teams won at Rupp and didn't even play or win a game in the NIT. Put it this way, how many ACC teams over the last decade owe their bids to wins over North Carolina or Duke?
4. With the new SEC television deal, ESPN needs Coach Cal at Kentucky. They need Kentucky to be good, really good. You think the suits at ESPN aren't rooting for this? UT-Memphis in 2008 was the highest rated college basketball telecast the network has ever aired. Pearl and Cal don't like each other, and they're both media darlings. Can you imagine the fireworks and ratings that this match-up would create twice a season?
The end result is that both teams win when it comes to national recruiting. And ESPN wins when it comes to ratings.
5. While Cal to Kentucky might help the top of hte conference, lower-tier SEC teams could get screwed. I'm looking at you Georgia. Who wants to take that Georgia job and have to coach against Billy Donovan, Bruce Pearl, and John Calipari for six games a year? And that's not even considering Kevin Stallings at Vanderbilt and his soon-to-be stud team next year. That's half the conference games against great coaches. I think it will be very hard for programs that aren't already established to get established, and I think the SEC East is the top-heavy side of the conference once more.
6. Is this Saban to Alabama? No, it isn't, not quite. Kentucky hasn't been as awful as Alabama was. And as much deserved praise as Cal gets, he still hasn't won a national championship. He's also got something that Saban doesn't have, a huge mess he left behind at UMass. Cal has the perception of being a really dirty coach. That might be accurate or inaccurate, but at a school like Kentucky where everything is under the microscope, I'd be interested to see how he manages the scrutiny.
Most importantly, head to head doesn't matter that much in basketball. Sure it's great to win a conference championship, but the NCAA Tourney is what fans truly remember. A split against a top-ten program is epic when it comes to seeding or ensuring that your team gets into the big dance. A football loss to a rival is crushing, a basketball loss can improve your RPI.
That's why I think the SEC needs Kentucky to be good. Their rise can lift the boats at the top of the conference. A weak Kentucky basketball program hurts the SEC much more than it helps the rest of the conference.
So let’s say you’re an Auburn fan. Your wife is giving birth to your second son. Your first son is named Buckminster Fuller, so it’s been very well established that you can be a little creative with the name. Like, you know, any name in the world.
So, as an Auburn football fan in Chattanooga, you pick: Tebow Sanford Crumley.
That’s right. Tebow. And at first this might not make sense.
Does anyone think that decades from now Auburn fans are still going to exulting over the fact that they were 2-0 over Tebow? This is going to be the Aflac Trivia Question in 2024, "What SEC team did three-time national champion and two-time Heisman Trophy winning quarterback Tim Tebow never beat?"
Billy G. Era Ends With Fake Phone Call, Awkward Jog
I've gotten this from several of you but Will M. was the first:
Here's his email: C'lay:
Check out this video of Alan Cutler, a reporter for Lexington's NBC affiliate -- chasing Gillispie.
To give you some background, this was taken immediately after Gillispie returned to the Craft Center -- our practice facility where the basketball offices are -- after his meeting with President Todd and Barnart. In other words, right after he got fired. You gotta love Gillispie pulling the "I'm on the phone," when he's clearly not. But Cutler's buffoonery really steals the show.
As an aside, I don't think this is indicative of the "fishbowl" in Lexington. I think it says more about the state of local TV news.
Enjoy.
This even makes me feel sorry for the Finchless wonder. My favorite line. "I can run all day beside you." No, fat loser reporter, no you most certainly cannot.
Now we've all been down these roads before with Nick Saban, but if Coach Cal at Memphis and Billy Donovan at Florida are both truly not interested, how far down the coaching ladder could Kentucky fall? Could they really end up with Travis Ford? Really? A guy who has one game in the NCAA Tournament in his career as a coach?
The better question is, will this really sate the Kentucky fan base? Donovan has been to two consecutive NIT's and Bruce Pearl is 7-1 against him. Granted he won two national titles, but does he have a third one in him? How many coaches in the modern era have won three? Off the top of my head the only one I can think of is Bob Knight. Jim Calhoun has 2, Rick Pitino has 1, Jim Boeheim has 1, Tubby Smith has 1; my point is that winning more than 2 national titles is pretty unheard of. That doesn't mean that Billy Donovan can't do it again, just that he might not be able to do it fast enough for Kentucky fans.
How much has Donovan's stock fallen since he almost left for the Orlando Magic two years ago? Quite a bit, I'd say. Put another way, how much more excited would Kentucky fans be if BIlly Donovan had been coaching the Orlando Magic for the past two years and was leaving the NBA for them? A ton more, I think.
A while back I wrote that Kentucky basketball fans and Alabama football fans were the two craziest fan bases on earth. Now, I'm changing that, Kentucky basketball fans are officially the craziest. It's amazing how the entire fan base can go from defending Billy Clyde to the end of the earth to kicking him to the curb so quickly. Even I'm starting to feel bad for the Finchless wonder.
Gillispie had a record of 40-27, a winning percentage of .597. That was the lowest winning percentage for a UK basketball coach since Basil Hayden had a 3-13 record in 1926-27.
The father of UK's leading scorer, Jodie Meeks, welcomed the news.
"It clearly didn't look like it was working," Orestes Meeks said.
The elder Meeks suggested that Gillispie made it difficult for UK to maximize its potential.
"You don't want to throw gasoline on the flames, but, clearly, a lot of things happened behind the scenes that made it difficult for the kids to play basketball and focus on winning," the elder Meeks said.
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Mike Anderson for helming a team that put up over 100 on Memphis last night. For my money, that's the single most shocking score of the tournament so far. If Alabama doesn't do everything in their power to bring him back to the Birmingham-metro area and run the same scheme in the SEC, they're fools.
Photo above courtesy of reader Brian M. who writes, "This man needs his SEC fan credentials revoked."
Agreed.
Robert B. writes:
Clay,
I was driving to class this morning when I stopped at a stop light at the south end of LSU's campus. I was looking ahead towards the light when I see this large man running up the street towards me. The thing I noticed first was not just how large the person was, but more that he wasn't struggling. The guy was legitimately jogging. When he got to the light he turned up Highland and I turned in that direction as well. When I got beside him I realized it was the Chief (John Chavis). Let me tell you, he was not close to the football facility. He was actually quite far. And like I said, he was not struggling. LSU fans and students were accustomed to seeing Bo Pelini running on campus, but when the The Chief was hired I conceded that our defensive coordinator would no longer be the in the best of shape (not that it mattered anyway). Anyway, it got me thinking, who (besides the obvious Mangino and your former coach) is the least likely coach you'd see excercising on campus? Also, considering Orgeron's well-documented feats, would it be shocking to read a story of him strutting into the UT Rec and destroying the students in a pick up game?
Least likely coach to jog through campus? Great question. I'm told that Ron Zook and Florida AD Jeremy Foley used to jog through campus shirtless. Hey, it's Florida, it's hot.
I have to say Sly Croom would have been surprising. Both because he's large and because black people don't jog for exercise. But he's been fired.
Man, Chavis might be the least likely coordinator in the SEC. At least of the ones that come to me while sitting here and counting them on my fingers. Every head coach in the SEC actually seems like a jogger.
Mike Leach and his DC would both be unlikely in the Big 12. I think Houston Nutt would be the most entertaining to watch run because you know his face would be pained the entire time. Plus he'd be likely to wear those really short shorts. And Nutt always limps on the sideline even when he's not running. So I'm picturing him running like he's got a peg leg. He'd also have a whistle hanging around his neck and beef jerky in his fanny pack.
Great question, it's good to know that the Chief is fitting in nicely. Firsthand knowledge for you that hasn't been reported anywhere, Clemson offered much more money for Chavis than LSU did.
Hunter R. writes:
Given that the Great Wall of Vagina reference is to a singular structure, I would agree that singular is the way to go (is vs. are). However, there is an interesting dichotomy in the representation of the GWOV as a single unit, when for all intents and purposes, the performance is anything but united. The only grammatically correct plural appointment would be "Great Walls of Vagina." It implies multiple vaginal walls, which as I write this might have convinced me that plural is the way to go, but only when referring to the individuals as vaginal walls. This e-mail has now become an outpouring of my stream of consciousness where I'm thinking through something and questioning my own beliefs at the same time. Damn it. You really do bring out the best in me, Clay (no homo).
I write to receive emails like this. Where else would readers grapple so intelligently with the Great Wall of Vagina and whether or not the plural or singular is most appropriate?
Andrew C. writes:
Clay,
The Creighton Blue Jays may have the best name backcourt in America: P'Allen Stinnett and Booker Woodfox. Not only do you get the apostrophe in P'Allen, but Booker Woodfox is naming gold. If I heard the name Booker Woodfox I'd think he was an investment banker at Goldman Sachs, not a starting guard in college basketball.
Also, not only should they be crowned the "Best Backcourt Names in America", but they both average over 12 points per game on a 25-6 team, Woodfox was the MVC Player of the Year while averaging almost 16 ppg, and P'Allen was on the all-MVC Second team. It is for this reason I nominate the backcourt duo of P'Allen Stinnett and Booker Woodfox as the BPTOW.
On a side note, good move leaving Deadspin. I like your content much better with your own site.
Fun facts about Booker Woodfox, he's actually a jr. He's named after his dad. Which ties in even better with your investment banker argument. But now you're wondering, what are his hobbies. Well, I'll tell you. "Hobbies include eating candy and going to Candy World in Lewisville, Texas."
As for P'Allen Stinnett, he's definitely at the top of the ClayNation Apostrophe Rankings. P'Allen has four brothers and two sisters. But what are their names? Unfortunately the website doesn't tell us.
What's his nickname? P.
As for leaving Deadspin, I'm in a holding pattern now as I finish off the new book. But then I'm either going to join a site that guarantees me I can write what I want when I want, or I'm going to build my own site to do that. If I build my own place, I'll even pitch advertisers myself. I'm convinced there's a huge market out there for intelligent sports fans that isn't being served by existing media. The new site wouldn't just be for me, I'd want to set up a place where other writers could create content and get their names out there to. I'll have more details on this in the future when i make a decision about what comes next.
Alyson writes:
Clay, I was at the SEC tournament this past weekend, and one of the things my friends and I noticed was Smokey (the costumed one, not the actual dog) doing a body-surfing type thing over male cheerleaders rolling across the court. I tried to explain this to my roommate but she said it sounds too weird for her to picture. Do you know of this and/or where we could find a video of it?? We're very curious.
Smokey surfing over male cheerleaders has been a staple of bicurious foreplay for decades at Tennessee athletic events. It always made me a bit uncomfortable. I'm sorry you had to witness it.
Speaking of bicurious, I've got a new dilemma that I've been wrestling with that is steeped in bicuriosity--physically describing men in my new book when they're introduced. Have you ever physically described a guy by saying something other than what color hair he has and maybe giving his height and weight? I never have. Until now. It's impossible to write a sentence about the physical appearance of another man and have it not sound bicurious. Truly impossible. Try it.
Describe someone's legs, arms, chest or facial features and then reread it to yourself. Go on, try it.
Told you.
Josh W. writes:
Clay,
I think you are a good one to ask on this. I recently had a split up in a relationship. We had been together for 3 and a half years and engaged since last May. We live around Cincinnati, but we did get engaged in Nashville. I guess there were signs we should not be together. First, we met in a bar. I know your rule, never marry the girl from the bar. There were several other signs as well, including her being a Notre Dame fan and not being impressed with Knoxville and Tennessee football.
Ok here is what I want to know. What are the rules for ownership of the bar / bars? She is willing to give me one (the one we met at); however, she wants to keep the one that is closer to her. Point, they were both my bars before we met. I want the one closer to her as well because they have $2.75 you call it's all the time and no cover. That is a great deal.
Next point, I found her house for her and helped her get it. She lived a lot further from it until we met.
She gave my roommate permission for us to go to the other bar on St. Patrick's Day because she had other plans. I am in total favor of not running into her at the bar and everything but how can she claim it as her bar and not mine?
Ok, I am looking for a little help on this. Your wife is so proud people email you for relationship advise, isn't she?
My wife believes that I have zero ability when it comes to giving relationship advice. But I suspect most women feel this way about their significant others. Notwithstanding that fact, I think over the years I've demonstrated my genius when it comes to other people's relationships.
To begin, this is an actual adult break-up. I'm impressed that you sat down and parceled out bars like they were friends, which everyone knows they are. Only they won't quit you. Until death. Or AA.
Most people keep going to the same bars after they break up and then, when they see the other person, they squeal and try to sneak out the back door. Plainly you're above this.
Here's what you do, you accept this offer to begin with and then after two months reclaim whichever bar you'd like to go to. This means you'll be back in the good bar just in time for tank-top season in Cincinnati. You didn't mention it, but being restricted from a favorite bar during the summer is particularly galling.
Now, all this assumes that you're over the break-up and can handle seeing her out if you get drunk. If you don't think you can do this, then stay away from the bar to preserve your own chances to hook up with another girl. Because the only thing worse than breaking the bar agreement is breaking the bar agreement by rushing over to her with tears rolling down your cheeks and begging for her to take you back. All while some new guy is fingerbanging her on the dance floor. (Apologies for the image. But I'm sure his fingers are much shorter than yours.) Then you've basically banned yourself for life.
If confronted by her about reclaiming the bar, I'd use your roommate as an excuse. Just because your relationship ended shouldn't mean that he's forever barred from chasing girls there.
Bryan P. writes
Two more things to add about the Raycom graphic you posted...
1. Do you think they meant "TXT-OFF-WAR" instead of "TXT-OF-WAR"?
1a. I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt about leaving the 'E' out of TEXT, but is that really necessary?
2. Why is the % bar going the wrong way? I noticed that earlier this season and I'm surprised no one felt the need to change it.
Do you think there's any chance Raycom could be doing all this on purpose similar to how Spencer Pratt operates?
The text bar going the wrong way all season was classic. Typical Raycom.
As for Raycom as Spencer Pratt, that has some possibility. But could someone please explain to me what Raycom bought from Lincoln Financial/JP? Did they get anything other than one year worth of SEC sports telecasts? Does JP/LF do anything else with their sports department?
I don't get this purchase. Wasn't the entire basis of LF's worth that they had the SEC contract? Surely someone can enlighten me. Because even Spencer Pratt wouldn't make this business decision.
John P. writes:
With coaches like Pete Carroll and Rich Rod showcasing their Twitter pages, you should do a segment on SEC coaches and what their Twitter pages would say. Steve Spurrier: "2 under after 15."
I have zero interest in twitter, and I don't get the appeal to other people. It's the least-efficient way on earth for a famous person to communicate, and if you're not famous and just my friend why would I need to follow your tweets? If you need me text or email me, otherwise live your life and I'll live mine. People aren't hard to find these days.
Basically you have to be a huge fan of someone to subscribe to their twitter feed, and I guess I'm just not a big enough fan of anyone. I'll be damned if I'm signing up to hear what Donna from New York thinks about movies. Plus, it's one step removed from attaching a GPS device to yourself and just letting people see what you do all day. I'm not opposed to this, but it seems pretty boring. Oh, look, Clay's changing Fox's diaper again and editing his manuscript at his computer screen.
And don't even get me started on the dumbing down of America that comes with 150 character tweets or whatever the number is. Now if famous women start tweeting images, like nipple shots or something, then I'm all for it. But now? I could care less what Jessica Alba thinks of a restaurant's salad. Now if Jessica Alba is tweeting about clam slamming I rescind all Twitter complaints.
Randy W. writes:
Who would you rate higher on the ClayNation Clammslammability Index (CCI): Connie Britton as Sharon Gaines in the “Friday Night Lights” movie…..or Connie Britton as Tami Taylor in the “Friday Night Lights” television show? Despite playing the coach’s wife in both, her position as a teacher and her love of aviators in the television version has me sold. Not to mention the fact that I think her dunk tanks went from a C to a D for the tv show.
Every time I watch Friday Night Lights all I can think about is how hot Tami Taylor is. Truly, unbelievably, clammslamming in chief, hot. So she's higher currently. And I suspect either she has the greatest bras on earth or she's been enhanced since the movie.
Can you imagine if she was your principal? Is there a principal hotter than this on earth?
By the way, it's criminal that Friday Night Lights doesn't get more critical attention. It's amazing how good this show is. Why doesn't ESPN take the show to cable if it goes off broadcast? It's 10,000% better than Playmakers ever was. They could air it as a prelude to an actual friday night football telecast. Or if they won't, how about HBO? This show shouldn't be allowed to die.
Charles M writes:
Clay,
I was in property class on Friday for our weekly show and tell segment. One of our non-traditionals got up and started telling a story about a former tenant who rented his inner city Atlanta home. About halfway through his story about how the tenant stole the refrigerator and broke everything else, he decided to give us the name of the tenant.
Her name was Shelika Dix.
I didn't get it at first. There was a row of girls in front of me who started giggling. Well, encouraged by the laughter it was generating, he went on to say Shelika Dix's name at least a billion times throughout the rest of the story. It only took until the forth time for it to dawn on me that Shelika Dix might be one of the funniest names I have ever heard. I laughed well into the serious part of class and had to excuse myself. It was a proud moment for me.
Is there any way we can just throw an apostrophe in there and get her up on the CAR?
Just throwing it out there, Shelika spends a lot of her doubtless valuable time screaming, "It's She-Leeka, asshole."
Also, I'm fairly confident that she's the product of a single parent household. There's no way any man was at the hospital to sign that birth certificate. Odds this is the funniest thing that will happen in property class all semester? 100%. Once a bird flew into a window during my own property class and you would have thought the Hindenburg just exploded on the front lawn for all of the attention it got.
In other Tebow-related news, the Gator football team was welcomed to Tallahassee to be honored by Governor Charlie Crist and the state legislature. Ho-hum ... until you look at the associated picture, where a pair of 'Bama Bang-ed admirers glare affectionately upon Tebow. If Alabama fans ever wondered what the world would be like if Tebow had signed the Crimson Tide, now they know.
Because let's be fair, today is Tim Tebow day. What with the beard and all. Honestly, this picture is exactly what the past four years of Tebow's life would have been like if he'd gone to Alabama. Only the picture doesn't include Mike Shula tossing rose petals on the ground in front of him.
Granted the beard is in its infancy, at least for this interview, but we all know that Tebow could grow a beard in five minutes if he commanded his follicles to spurt. This just confirms my opinion that Tim Tebow is impossible to dislike, and that Florida is going to win the national championship. We might as well cancel the BCS.
The women of Gainesville should beware though, with the beard Tim Tebow can impregnate them just by staring at their wombs.
New sign affixed above the entrance to the Swamp: "Abandon hope all ye who enter here."
Kentucky Loses to Notre Dame: AP Writer Says God is Mitch Barnhart
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
The Finchless wonder, Billy Clyde Gillispie, may be on his way out in Lexington, but to his credit he was uncharacteristically humble when asked whether he feared the judgment of others. Cue the AP:
Asked about how he feels about all the judgment he's facing after posing a 40-27 record in two seasons at Kentucky, Gillispie said: "There's only one judgment I'll ever be concerned about, and I hope I pass that judgment. That's the only one I'll ever be concerned about, and I'm really proud that that's the only judgment that will ever have a real affect on me, and I hope I pass that one with flying colors."
Gillispie declined to answer when asked whose judgment he was referring to, saying it was obvious, apparently referring to Kentucky athletic director Mitch Barnhart.
Man, this is what happens when people with zero knowledge of religion write game articles. Even if you had no knowledge of Christianity wouldn't you pick up on this? And if you didn't wouldn't someone you work for manage to pick up on it? How did this make it past every editing level?
Is there anyone who just read the above quote and didn't realize that Gillispie meant Judgment Day? You know, with Jesus, the guy who is kind of important on Notre Dame's campus.
Either that or the AP writer is correct and Mitch Barnhart is really God and we've just missed all the clues. Although, to be fair, that would explain how Kentucky has won three consecutive bowl games.
There are tons of these up on youtube, but I picked this one because you can see every single person in the crowd recording the performance. Kenny Chesney's heterosexuality has been questioned pretty extensively in the past. I met his manager once and drunkenly mentioned the rumors. He said, "Shoot boy, the only two things in Kenny's mind is pus*y and money. That's it."
I'm not going to make a joke about how much funnier it would be if it were a jort-clad leg magnet sticking out of the trunk. Instead I'll point out the obvious, Urban Meyer is holding out hope that they're going to come out with an absent chin magnet. Lane Kiffin's UT arm will be holding an NCAA rulebook instead of a football.
Meanwhile, not to be outdone, Billy G's arm magnet is extending the middle finger while holding a bottle of Maker's.
I'm told this should now be enlargeable when you click. I have no idea how to resize a photo, so we'll see if that's the case. As we did with the college football pick 'em, here are the top names among the 392 team entrants that I've judged to be the best. Read on for fantasy sports brilliance.
By the way, I'm the Sugar Daddy Posse since way back in the '98. At the time this was a reference to Suge Knight's posse. Now that I have a decade of fantasy sports history embedded behind this name, I can't change. Even when my wife ridicules my team name to all her guidance counselor friends. Which happened.
On to the best names (it's also important to note that merely using an apostrophe in a team name was the equivalent of a tight shirt on a woman, it got you noticed, but it didn't seal the deal):
Although, truth be told, I really wish he'd go to the Bruce Pearl school of television. I need a tutorial from Bruce Pearl too. Every time I go on television, I end up looking like an idiot. I don't look at the camera right, I'm awkward, television also eliminates relativity. I've been interviewed by guys who are 5"3 and they look like they tower over me on camera. I can't explain it. Just that I think Kiffin probably comes across better in person than on-air.
Look, I don't like komodo dragons. Never have. I don't think you can trust them. Now we know you can't, they're at war with humans.
Muhamad Anwar, 32, bled to death on his way to hospital after being mauled by the reptiles at Loh Sriaya, in eastern Indonesia's Komodo National Park, the park's general manager Fransiskus Harum told CNN.
"The fisherman was inside the park when he went looking for sugar-apples. The area was forbidden for people to enter as there are a lot of wild dragons," Harum said.
Komodos can run as fast as dogs in short bursts and they're on the warpath.
In June last year, a group of divers who were stranded on an island in the national park -- the dragons' only natural habitat -- had to fend off several attacks from the reptiles before they were rescued.
Park rangers also tell the cautionary tale of a Swiss tourist who vanished leaving nothing but a pair of spectacles and a camera after an encounter with the dragons several years ago.
Gotta love the Swiss. I think there's a real basis to my newest theory, the hotter the women are in a country, the more effeminate the men. Switzerland serves as a prime example.
I'm not allowed to use any text from the reader email that included this picture, but I think it's clear that the Kappa Deltas would deserve a number one seed in the ClayNation SEC sorority bracket. At least based on this spring break picture.
Also, recently a UF Kappa Delta emailed to inform me that the glossary incorrectly stated that the UF Tri-Delt's were excused from the Bingo Wing insult. In the book I excluded the KD's based on their hosting me for the Dixieland Delight Tour. On the website, I incorrectly honored the UF Tri-Delts.
Anyway, enjoy this spring break photo, bite your arm until it bleeds, and then get back to work. You don't really miss spring break do you?
'Clay Pink Dolphin racing. So this is what I imagine it looking like... I made this in 5 minutes because I'm listing to a lecture on early hominin evolution. Hopefully somebody with an affinity for photoshop will take this and greatly improve on the idea.
The only thing we need is panties in the air being thrown in my direction from every woman near the produce section. Evidently I'm playing the role of Eve in holding a healthy, ripe red apple.
I've been out of pocket for the past five or so days attending an Indian wedding in San Diego. Here are ten things that occurred to me while I was gone:
1. Watching NCAA Tourney games on the West Coast is abysmal. I woke up on Friday morning in San Diego's Gas Lamp District. For the next three hours I killed time. I don't remember the last time I woke up at 6 in the morning full of energy. I went for a jog, stopped by Starbucks, leisurely read the morning paper, felt like mocking everyone who walked by me and was yawning. Is this what morning people always feel like?
I hate morning people even more than I used to.
2. It was freezing in San Diego and I didn't pack enough clothes for the trip. I'm almost 30 and I'm still not to be trusted to pack for myself. I ended up, and this is the complete truth, with three shirts for a five day trip. This is what happens when I remember incidental things like toothbrushes. I forget the important stuff.
I wore a polo shirt on my flight, packed one George Washington basketball t-shirt, two wife-beaters, a long-sleeve Michigan shirt, and a button down for the wedding. That's it.
So my dilemma, I planned on wearing my Lane Kiffin inspired UT visor. But in order to do that I'd have to wear conflicting collegiate apparel, either the GW t-shirt and freeze to death, or the Michigan long-sleeve and be warm. So I went Michigan long sleeve.
3. At 9 pacific, I went to a sports bar nearby. They'd previously assured me they'd be open for the early games. And they were. But until 10:30, it was just me and the bartender in the place. You've never imagined how many awkward conversations you and a bartender can have when it's just the two of you there, it's early in the morning, they're piping in the sound from the radio as opposed to the televisions, and neither of you are drinking.
Sample conversation:
Bartender: "So are you a big Michigan fan?"
Me: "Not really, my wife went to school there and I wear the shirt."
Britney Spears' Womanizer comes on. We both awkwardly bob our heads in time to the music.
Bartender: "So that Britney Spears is really crazy, huh."
Me: "Crazy."
Bartender hands me the menu. "Do you like your quesidillas with buffalo sauce or plain? I really like buffalo sauce."
4. You know you're in for a rough NCAA Tourney viewing experience when you're solo at a West Coast bar, there's no sound on your game, and midway through the first half you find yourself thinking, "Why hasn't Josh Tabb played yet?"
Then through the final six minutes of the first half when one open three-pointer after another clangs off the rim, all I can think about is why Josh Tabb isn't in the game. That's what this season has done to me, it's made me long for Josh Tabb at point guard.
4. How is it possible that Tennessee, the worst three-point shooting team in the NCAA Tournament, attempted 33 threes? 33! One of the most frustrating things all season about the Charge of the Cameltoe Brigade (nee Great Wall of Vagina) is their infuriating lack of self-awareness. Even after an entire season of failing at shooting threes, all of our guys still think they're three-point shooters.
This is insane. Imagine you're coaching a high school and no one can consistently dunk but maybe four guys can scrape the ball over the rim two times out of seven. You'd tell them under no circumstances should they attempt to dunk, right? Do what you do better, lay the ball in. And most of all they should absolutely never, never, attempt to dunk when someone is trying to stop them from dunking. Then you go out to the court and they completely disregard your advice. That's what Tennessee and three-point shooting have been all season.
Think that's bad, soon teams can gameplan based upon that lack of self-awareness. Travis Ford, who somehow has morphed from a lovable runt underdog point guard to a detestable smirking coach in the space of about ten years, based an entire gameplan on our teams inability to turn down the open three-point shot. He let us shoot 33 times from outside the arc because he knew that we couldn't make them.
We're the basketball equivalent of alcoholics, show us a three and we take it. To hell with the gameplan.
5. Even I can't defend the J.P. Prince raking the face play with less than three minutes to play. It was the perfect Great Wall of Vagina play, get angry at a defender for doing a good job keeping you from shooting a reverse lay-up, and girlishly claw his face.
Did you see Pearl's reaction to this? He just tossed up his hands and put Prince on the bench for the remainder of the game. I have no idea whether Verne made any hay with this on the audio, but if we'd won, I feel like it would have been a much bigger story. How was this only a regular foul? And not even two shots, the one and one.
How can raking an opposing player in the face not be a bigger story anyway? If Prince had punched this guy in the groin, it would have led Sportscenter. But rake a guy in the face and it doesn't even merit a mention?
Having said all that, how did the official see it? He's watching the guys on the floor instead of following the kick-out pass? Amazing. Karma didn't favor us winning the game from that moment on.
6. Shortly thereafter, we lose on a last-second shot, which sucks the lifeblood out of me. This is the seventh game we've lost this year after having a chance to win or tie on a final possession. But what's worse than that? Oklahoma State shot 23 for 32 on two-point baskets against our defense. Let me repeat that, 23 for 32, that's 71.8%. Truly, that's unheard of. I'd love to know if that's ever been done before in an NCAA Tourney game. What's more, we had a chance to beat them on a Tyler three. Unbelievable.
7. But here's the deal, it's not even noon yet on the West Coast. I spend the rest of the day touring San Diego.
At Balboa Park I'm walking through a greenhouse and I look up to see this girl smirking at me. I have no idea why, but then she steps out from behind a eucalyptus plant and she's wearing an Oklahoma State t-shirt.
What are the odds that some girl from Oklahoma State is also touring Balboa Park, spent the morning watching the game, and we meet in San Diego just so she can smirk at me?
Okay, I'm cutting this short because I have to meet with my accountant today. That's going to be awesome. But not as awesome as hearing about my speech to 400 Indian people at the wedding on Saturday.
Thought you'd like to see this. I never really see any racing stuff on your site, but I live near Bristol and caught a glimpse of this car in some of the coverage that was all around us this past weekend. I had to look it up and see if it really was what I thought it was. I can't decide if this team will be the favorite when they head to the race in Florida, or if they'll even be able to get the car on the track because of all the Gator co-eds chasing the car looking for a sample.
Also, be on the lookout for his wise-cracking koala side kick, Sydney. You'll find the two of them in our newest commercials and giveaway.
If the Little Debbie commercial featured a wise-cracking pink dolphin, would the earth stop spinning? I think it might.
I figure this the best way to say welcome back. I've been off the internets for the past five days, traveling to and from San Diego for a wedding. (More on that later). So you can imagine how entertained I was by this email when my son woke me up at 6 in the morning. I was in one of those overly realistic, feverish, timezone dreams. I was in Vietnam, my best friend in the army had just had his head blown off in our first skirmish. Oh, and I was 6'8 280 pounds and, given my extensive surface area, complaining about how much more likely I was to be shot than everyone else in the squad.
My hotel room has a television screen the size of two squirrels having sex and the Tennessee game isn't the primary feed, believe it or not, in San Diego. Oh, and the hotel has no wireless. Truly, no wireless. So I'm going to go make friends with other strangers showing up at 9 in the morning to go watch basketball.
Thanks to the San Diego natives, both former and present, for the sports bar tips. Can't wait to see what happens. Hopefully the game is as awesome as Scotty Hopson's sandcastle.
Okay clowns, we're up to over 350 of you signed up for the bracket challenge now. By the time the tourney tips off I'll be en route to San Diego for a wedding set by my friend Krishna for the opening NCAA Tourney weekend. I still want to shoot him. Here's the link to the bracket challenge:
Group ID is: 82514 Password: otters
Also, and I'll update this for certain, but as a result of being on the West Coast for Friday's UT-Oklahoma State game at 9:25 Pacific and having no one to watch the game with at that hour, I think I'm going to try and liveblog the NCAA Tourney game. That means if you're sitting at your computer screens at work, or cutting out of work and sitting morosely on your couch, you can come hang out with me. Assuming I can manage to get up on time out there, I'll be in a hotel somewhere in the Lantern District, which I'm told is a cool place to be. I have no idea, my only knowledge of San Diego comes from the Real World. Hopefully the hot asian from the show will be in town. Or Cameron.
So check back come Friday and we'll see how that goes.
Yeah, ever notice how much plaque looks like plague? This thing is the Gettysburg Address of football speeches delivered by quarterbacks wearing bi-curious tight black t-shirts. From the article:
A plaque bearing the text of "The Promise," as it has come to be known, now hangs on the wall outside the Heavener football complex attached to The Swamp, conveniently leaving out the detail of losing to the Rebels.
Also a good take from a Gator here. I particularly like option: 3. Plot a jogging trail through Gainesville with a commemorative stone representing each touchdown Tebow accounted for in his UF career. Space them out the number of yards that each score covered.
Although I believe, each score should feature a Little Debbie stand instead of a commemorative stone.
Swampland Interview With Me About Southern Culture
As you've noticed, I've been absent today. I'm in the process of finishing off another draft of On Rocky Top before I head west tomorrow morning for a wedding in California. Yep, a wedding on the opening weekend of the NCAA Tournament. The interview turned out really well, much more in-depth than most of these things are and I think it's fairly interesting. Thanks to the guys at Swampland.com for being interested in chatting. I had a great time. Here's the interview.
Don't worry, this one is written. You don't have to worry about hiding the audio when someone comes by the office.
In honor of the Swampland website, I've included my boy Hughtavious as the picture. Like him, I'm hiding in trees.
Tonight we're back to the airwaves on 104.5 here in Nashville from 7-9 central. You can listen live here. We've got 250 people signed up in the bracket challenge so far. Join that big boy here. Password is Otters.
The top bracket winner will receive: 1) lunch or dinner for you and 10 of your friends at any Otters and get picked up by the Otter's bus 2) pick up a tailgate package for you and 10 of your friends, redeemable at anytime, perfect for Steeplechase, football games, or any house party 3) an autographed copy of On Rocky Top with an incredibly witty write-up 4) on air interview establishing your brilliance as a basketball prognosticator
As if that weren't enough, you also get to watch the biggest losers (defined by bracket challenge not by life) choose among these punishments. On those that are clearly male punishments, women can't pick them if they lose. This will make more sense as you read.
1. If you're a guy wear a candy necklace to the bar for an entire night. You can't explain why you're doing it, you just have to. Also you can't eat the candy necklace yourself in an effort to rid yourself of it.
2. Get a fake bardwire tattoo (henna) and show up at the pool with the most hot chicks in your town. (Note this has to be the kind of pool where this punishment won't be an asset. For instance you can't go to the Hard Rock pool in Vegas and do this, because everyone would think you were cool.)
3. Paint your toenails pink and go to the bar in flip-flops. Also, wear pink wristbands that match your toenails on each arm. (Women obviously excluded.)
4. Drink every beer from a straw for the entire night at a bar. When asked why you're doing this explain that you have sensitive lips. (Note, you must consume at least six bars in this fashion. Otherwise, why are you going to the bar?)
5. Go tanning and get the deepest fake spray tan available. You can't claim you went on vacation. When asked you have to claim that you just got the tan by going on a recent jog.
6. A 1,500 word essay analyzing the chronological inconsistencies of the Poison Ivy oeuvre. Analysis to be posted on the site.
7. Memorize and sing along to Womanizer while wearing the jersey of your favorite team. Post it on youtube.
8. Play a pick-up basketball game at a gym you don't normally go to. Every time you're passed the ball, dribble with two hands. Claim this is a new move, the crab dribble. Do this until you're kicked off the court.
9. Write a detailed analysis examining the basketball plays run on One Tree Hill. Submit it to the ClayNation site for review. Included in your analysis must be detailed analysis of players as well as substitution patterns. Suggest ways the team might be more effective.
These are just a few ideas. I'm sure more will be forthcoming on the radio tonight or arriving via email. Upstage me.
Finally, not to be outdone, note the upstanding young gentleman on the right of this picture becoming the youngest man to ever flash the ClayNation hand sign. Picture courtesy of reader Jay H. who notes:
C'lay,
I've got a picture of my son's basketball team attached. My son is on the right, looking somewhat startled and flashing the ClayNation hand sign. I was lucky enough to be the head coach of this talented little team. They won their division championship a couple of weeks ago. In 9 regular season games and 3 tournament games, they gave up a combined 39 points. Defense wins championships! Our average score was 33-3. I know it isn't a mind-blowing point total, but they're in an 8-9 year old division, so they were rockin' all season for their age. Plus, anyone will take a 30 point margin of victory.
On a side note, I'm clean-shaven, but not my assistant coach. Shaved-head BGID for him. Did it influence our success? Undoubtedly.
Which Millionaire College Basketball Coach Is the Best Value?
Courtesy of reader Andrew L. comes this email about an intriguing Wall Street Journal article.
Clay,
Check out this Wall Street Journal article (the graphic link on the page brings up the list) about which college basketball coaches making a million plus provide the most value per dollar. Your boy Bruce Pearl is tops on the list. He will probably celebrate this victory in a similar manner to all other victories, on a boat or golf cart with attractive young women. I do enjoy seeing Dana check in at #5 for my Jays, score one for the little guys.
"Why did I sign with the Nationals?" Tavarez said told a group of reporters. "When you go to a club at 4 in the morning, and you're just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J. Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It's 4 in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals: Jennifer Lopez to me."
I think we have our beaver pelt trader of the week, ladies and gentlemen, I think we do. This is an extraordinary quote, one of the best I've ever read. And let's be honest, it sums up the Nationals pretty well.
Tip of the beaver pelt to reader Chad C. for the link.
Kappa Alpha Theta Threatens "Legal Action" Over Topless Picture?
Granted it's not every day that I get emails from people threatening to sue me, but Sunday, in the immediate moments after the Mississippi State loss, I received this email from Nicole M:
We are prepared to take legal action if the picture in the link below is not removed from your website within 10 days.
Of course that picture is now linked above. It's also linked everywhere on the internet. But clearly I'm the culprit. Not the girls who posed topless and then allowed the photo to hit the internet and arrive in every single male Vanderbilt grads' inbox within a week.
It's also nice to get emails from people I don't know saying that "we", without naming any parties, and "legal action" without naming the legal action are about to sue me.
As a litigator I know that disputes like these are all about settling. So I've got several proposed settlement offers.
1. I'll replace the offending 2006 photo (which is available elsewhere all over the internet and from any male Vandy grad you ask for the photo) so long as you provide me with the same photograph that was taken in 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, and 2005.
2. Open up the Theta house for my 30th birthday party on April 6th. Bring the tassels and pasties!
3. Designate a Theta who I know, there are quite a few, to approach me and explain why posting this picture destroys the good name of your sorority. Said explanation should involve abundant free alcohol.
4. A personal introduction to my friend Tardio to the girl that we choose from the photo, supposing she is still single. If married, an alternate choice until we hit upon a single girl.
5. Alternatively, you can select any girl in the photograph who is willing to date Tardio.
I hope these proposed settlement offers will be treated with the seriousness which they deserve.
Me on Bryce Brown at Dr. Saturday Blog; Looking at Rivals Other Top Backs This Decade
Monday, March 16, 2009
I'm helping out a bit over at Dr. Saturday while Matt Hinton is out. The talented and able ,Holly, is holding down ship. Here's the link to my post there. Also, thanks to reader Brian K. who sent me the best backs in the country per Rivals over this decade. Here goes:
C'lay According to Rivals, these were the top running backs in the last couple years...
2008 Darrell Scott- Colorado 2007 Joe McKnight- USC 2006 Beanie Wells- Ohio Stae 2005 Jonathan Stewart- Oregon 2004 Adrian Peterson- Oklahoma 2003 Reggie Bush- USC 2002 Lorenzo Booker- FSU 2001 Kevin Jones- VT 2000 Willis Mcgahee- Miami
I think we would be happy with any of the careers from 2000-2006. Maybe McKnight and Scott will have break out years to make it a clean sweap for top running backs making it to the NFL.
Think it doesn't matter to be Rivals top running back? Every player on this list up to Beanie Wells was a first rounder except for Lorenzo Booker who was a third rounder. Joe McKnight will be a first rounder and Wells probably will be too. Recruiting is an art form, but if you can run, you can run. Brown can run.
You might be asking yourself when was the last time Tennessee signed the top-rated player in the country?
Bryce Brown Is All Vol: Here My Reaction on Roundtable Radio
Whew.
The beaver pelt trader of the week wasn't wasted after all.
Something on this going up from me on yahoo shortly, but for now, gloat to your heart's content. I suggest announcing that he's going to win three consecutive Heisman Trophies.
By the way, you know it's big news when my wife sends me a link to the story. More coming up on this shortly.
The final gold bullion signee of the 2009 recruiting class announces in one hour. If you're like me you'll be watching the announcement live. Amazingly Bryce's facebook wall is silent. All is quiet on the internet fronts. Except on the LSU, Tennessee, Oregon, Kansas State, and Miami message boards. Where every quote, every gesture, every detail is being scrutinized.
Some Thoughts on the SEC Tourney Championship Game
I was 11 years old in 1991 when Tennessee advanced to the final against Vanderbilt. Coincidentally, those games were played in Vandy's Memorial Gym. This was the final year of Wade Houston's tenure as a coach, and Tennessee lost to an Alabama team featuring Latrell Spreewell and James "Hollywood" Robinson. I was crushed, but convinced that sooner or later my team would win the SEC Tournament. Now I'm 29 and crushed anew. In my life as a Vol fan we still haven't won a conference tournament. Here are the teams that have won since I was born: Mississippi State (three times), Georgia (three times), Kentucky (12 times), LSU, Florida (three times), Alabama (five times), Arkansas, Auburn, and Ole Miss. Only Tennessee, Vanderbilt, and South Carolina haven't won the tourney in this time and South Carolina's only been eligible for about sixteen years.
And it's not just futility, it's futility while being favored. The litany of Vol first round losses after receiving byes is legion. In 1999, 2000, and 2006 we were the first seed and lost in our first game. Over the seven years from 1994-2000 we won two games. Every single year of my entire life, I've read the same stories, had the same optimism, and we've found a way to lose. No matter the situation. Tornado require the games be played in front of a high school crowd? Lose. Every other team not show up and all we have to do is cut down the nets without accidentally slicing our jugular? Lose...and bleed to death on the court. The litany of failure is exhausting to recapitulate. But here goes if you dare.
The last two years have been particularly painful, every advantage has been ours, the league is down, we're the best team remaining in the field and we've choked twice. last year Vegas had us as 1 to 2 favorites to win the tournament. 1 to 2! You bet $100 and you only collected $50 if we won. That's how much better we were than the rest of the field. Of cours we found a way to lose. In the process we lost our number one seed and ended up with the worst tournament draw that a 2 seed has ever gotten. We were in a bracket with the best one seed, the best three seed, and had to play a top ten team in the second round.
But this one was the worst. After an 18 year wait we just had to beat an NIT team playing their fourth game in a row to win the championship. A team whose entire offense philosophy is "take contested threes." They shot 28 threes and just 19 two-point baskets. And they only made 7 threes. Yet, of course, we choked. Just when you thought the Charge of the Cameltoe Brigade (nee Great Wall of Vagina) was going to be remembered for something, anything at all, we tripped on the way to cutting down the nets, impaled ourselves on the scissors, and made Jarvis Varnado look capable of actually spelling either his first or second name.
And make no mistake about it, this was an epic choke job. Given three virtually consecutive possessions inside of twenty seconds (save one second) this is what Tennessee's offense produced: a J.P. Prince travel that led to the most generous foul call on record, a bricked second free throw, a five-second count after a gift mishandled rebound by Miss. State, and a turnover pass mere seconds after the inbounds. Not once, when the championship was there to be won, could we even manage to get a shot up at the rim. Not once.
1. There's lots of talk about why the Charge of the Cameltoe Brigade is so inconsistent, but the reality is it boils down to one man, when Tyler Smith plays well we win, when he plays awful we lose. You can spend a lot of time wondering why we're so inconsistent but the reality is if Tyler shoots above 40% from the field we're 17-5. Just 40%. Get to above 50% and we've just lost twice all season, at Ole Miss and at Auburn. Our three worst games down the stretch @ Kentucky (1-11), home against Alabama (3-15), and yesterday against Miss. State (2-14), Tyler shot 6-40 from the field combined. Let me repeat that 6-40.
2. I've written a lot about officiating and how complaining is for whiny fans. So this isn't a complaint because the end result evened out. But there were four calls made by that crew inside of thirty seconds. All of them were wrong, but they were so bad they actually balanced out.
a. There was no foul on Tennessee with the shot clock running down and the score 61-60. The player just fell. Whistle, two free throws made.
b. J.P. Prince walked on the ensuing possession but the refs bailed him out with a foul call.
c. Tyler Smith clearly got the timeout before the five second clock expired.
d. Nine times out of ten Tennessee gets called for a foul when Miss. State's freshman guard stepped out of bounds.
All of these were the wrong calls, but they balanced out. Unbelievable.
3. As if that weren't enough, after all the clock issues, the clock didn't start on Tennessee's final possession until Tyler Smith got to half court. There was at least two extra seconds on that play. How bad are our outside shooters that I wanted Tatum to kick it to a wide open Chism from the corner on that play?
If he gets that shot then Chism would have attempted 10 threes on the game. 10!
4. I can't resist writing about this either, did anyone else see in the Alabama game when Scotty dunked the ball and then ran back up the court doing the Superman pose and knocked over the official? They had to stop the game to make sure the official was okay. This was the perfect metaphor for the Vols season.
5. I can't wait until 2027 when we get back to the championship game again and lose. That's going to be so awesome.
On February 25, 2004 Brown referred to the George W. Bush administration as a "racist" "bunch of white men" in a meeting with senior State Department officials and members of Congress.[7] Assistant Secretary of State Roger Noriega, a Mexican American, said that he deeply resented "being called a racist and branded a white man." Brown replied to Noriega and Cuban-American Representative Lincoln Diaz-Balart that "you all look alike to me".
Join the ClayNation Otter's Chicken Tenders Bracket Challenge
Sunday, March 15, 2009
We're going to be talking about the prizes for this on the radio come Tuesday, but it's going to be really cool. Otter's has put together a great prize package, and we're going to be incorporating "punishments" for the worst performing brackets. Should be awesome. We're doing it through yahoo so sign up here:
More details forthcoming tomorrow. Until then, continue ramming your head into the wall and wondering why I can be about to turn 30 and still never seen my team win the SEC basketball tournament.
Also, we went with yahoo this year for the bracket challenge because last year, we did the facebook apps, which worked fine, but you could only see the top scorers if you were friends with them. Which was lame. Plus, some of you aren't on facebook, so this way anyone with internet access should be ready to go. (I hated to this to the guys at JP/LF/Raycom, but I had to.)
Nothing says Raycom like spelling "Tennesee" wrong on your final telecast. Ah, sweet irony. Truth be told after all our battles I like to think this was JP/LF/Raycom's last whimsical nod in my direction. They couldn't really misspell a team name on their final telecast could they?
Yep, they could.
Alas poor JP/LF/Raycom, I knew you, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.
Dave Neal said it best, "We rolled into town like rockstars." Yes, you did gentlemen, yes, you did.
According to a text message I got this afternoon, Bryce is in Knoxville for the weekend before he announces his school selection on Monday. Hopefully this means the consensus number one player in the country is about to announce for the Vols. In which case, I hope the fast is over and the women of Knoxville welcome him with open....arms.
(The picture is from the last visit to Knoxville).
Anyway, I'm giving him the beaver pelt trader of the week because I think he's going to end up a Vol. At least he would if signing day were today. I'll have more mailbag up this weekend. Until then, I've got Fox to take care of, a few tourney games to watch, and a book to finish.
Adriana Lima's Husband, Marco Jaric, Investigated for Sexual Assault
Dick writes:
Clay,
So the Commercial Appeal is now reporting that the Grizzlies mystery bachelor involved in an alleged sexual assault in Philly last month is Marco Jaric. While I'm always a little dubious of accusations of sexual assaults hurled at young, wealthy basketball players, this occasion seems particularly stupid given Mr. Jaric's annual theft of $7 million dollars in salary, and his other job title. . . that of Mr. Adriana Lima. Here's the link.
In case you live under a rock Adriana Lima is pictured above. Her husband is Memphis Grizzly Marco Jaric. Not content with being married to Lima, Jaric is under investigation for sexual assault in Philadelphia. I truly cannot wait to see what his accuser looks like. If she looks like most women from Philadelphia she'll have two permanent black eyes (not from fighting, just from living in Philly), a horrible accent, and drive a 1993 Ford Taurus. She'll also have lost her virginity at 11.
Good move, Marco. Good move.
Need more?
She claimed to be a virgin before she married Jaric.
Just saw that Rivals released its Top 100 for 2010 for football...and in good faith I believe that we should all rally around one guy for the coming recruiting season...
Fre'Shad Hunter from Cary, NC
Andy H. writes:
Apostrophe All-Star and maybe BGID?
If that beard really exists he's on both teams, right?
Fre'Shad is a four-star defensive end who has an offer from N.C. State. But he's also interested in half the ACC and Alabama and Auburn. Clearly Fre'Shad would tip the scales in the Iron Bowl. We must have more information on Fre'Shad. How can we do it? Quite simply, I've just requested him as a friend on facebook.
But, on the positive side, your man boobs aren't capable of blinding small children who have the misfortune of standing near you while you jog. As someone who trained for the NFL Combine for several months, all I can say is this: Andre Smith fire whoever is advising you. Right now. Pronto."
It's truly inexcusable to look like this.
Right now Andre Smith's boobs look like the boobs on those old African women who have nursed 18 children. Or an old cow after being milked for decades.
(Tip of the beaver pelt to reader Alex H. for the image.)
Patrick Patterson Returning to Kentucky: "I've got my sights set on back-to-back NIT's."
Assuming he says true, note the very opportune "right now" quote at the end of the sentence, hopefully Kentucky can keep their court free so they can host an NIT game at Rupp instead of having to go to the women's gym.
Anyway, the SEC Tourney tips off in about ten minutes, it should be interesting to see how many people are there. I'm picturing conference commissioner Mike Slive rushing around Ybor City right now trying to pass out as many free tickets as he can.
Mercy, mercy me. Lane Kiffin's quotes from the introductory press conference are hanging in the Florida locker room. Tip of the beaver pelt to reader Jamie S. for sending along this link and photo that was reported this weekend. I'm in the process of writing about Lane Kiffin's hiring now in the book. (It's a pretty fascinating an unreported story, if I do say so myself.) But seeing this quote hanging up there is making me reconsider whether I want to be on the road in Gainesville this fall. In 2007, I did a book signing and the Vols lost 59-20.
This year, with the added intensity of the rivalry, I may get burned to death if I'm trying to do a book-signing anywhere in Gainesville.
Thanks to a newly validated painting made of Shakespeare while he was still alive.
Wells is convinced that an oil painting on wood panel that has rested for centuries in the collection of an old Irish family was painted from life around 1610, when Shakespeare was 46. If that's so, it would be the only true likeness we have of the greatest writer of the English language.
Plainly, none of us were surprised. You can't write like that with a mustache. (William Faulkner handlebar mustaches excepted).
Clay, Zach M. and I meant to send this to you weeks ago. Zach took this picture this past year at the Vandy/UT football game. I love the mullet with the pleather Bama jacket. Thought you would enjoy.
Nothing better than when someone wears the team colors of a team that isn't playing to a sporting event featuring rivals.
I'm editing and revising like a mad-man today so excuse the prolonged absences. I've got to get the book turned in by Thursday of next week before I head out to San Diego for a wedding scheduled on the opening weekend of the NCAA Tourney. Unbelievable.
"Here every word is isolated to the syllable, every gesture is interpreted and it gets to be a burden, but Billy is paid very well to be the coach at Kentucky and with that comes a responsibility,'' says athletic director Mitch Barnhart, who plans to have a heart-to-heart with his coach at season's end. "The coach at Kentucky is more well known than the governor, and you have to recognize that.''
Asked how he thought his coach was handling the pressure, Barnhart responds, "It's been difficult. We're not all perfect born into this. We have to be willing to make adjustments. We ask our players to make adjustments and we need to be willing to do the same thing. Self-examination and self-awareness are very important. After two years, we need to sit down and talk about what we need to do to get this program back to where we want it to be.''
I'm on the record as hoping that Billy Clyde is around for a very long time. But losing almost as many home games already as Rick Pitino did in his entire tenure is not helping the Finchless wonder.
"That's really the purpose of it. Really, the only reason we let anybody know is because Bryce and his parents still believe that if more kids do this from a spiritual standpoint, it'll help them make the right decision. I know one of Bryce's goals in the future is actually to hold seminars or classes when it comes to the decision-making process from a spiritual standpoint."
Go ahead and sign me up on Bryce Brown's Seminar: "Decision-Making Process From a Spiritual Standpoint." If you can't go with Gandhi or MLK, you gotta go with BB.
Need more from Butler about Bryce's fasting, how about this:
"In our case, the fast we use is a liquid fast, where you drink all liquid, like tomato juice, protein shakes and water," Butler said. "It doesn't necessarily have to be fasting from food. In the Bible, the real ones are when you only drink water. But you can fast from video games, or your cell phone, or anything that's a normal habit for you to basically deny yourself that habit and get closer to God."
Brown probably just wants opposing fans to fast from posting on his message board:
Like Tennessee fan Brandon Darnell wrote at 4:55pm "Bryce, please don't think that all Tennessee fans are creepy stalkers like some of these guys. They are the minority; I promise. Good luck in whatever you pursue man."
Yep, Brandon Darnell went semicolon on his facebook posting. Nice work. Personally, I'm fasting from the apostrophe for the rest of the week. Then Im making a big decision.
Need CLE Credit? Like Sports? Vandy Law's Sports and Media Seminar Is Friday
One of the worst things about being a lawyer who doesn't practice in a firm is scrambling to get your CLE credits. Vandy Law is helping out on Friday. They're putting on a pretty cool 5 hour seminar on sports and media law. Here's the link to the schedule, but I've gone ahead and cut and pasted it below as well.
The symposium will take place at Vanderbilt University Law School on Friday, March 13, 2009. Parking for CLE visitors is available at the Terrace Place Garage on the corner of 21st Avenue South and Terrace Place.
Five hours of CLE credit will be available for an $85 fee (for the whole day), which includes a continental breakfast and lunch. The panel schedule is as follows:
9-9:50AM: Registration and Continental Breakfast
9:50-10:00AM: Welcome
10-11:30AM: NCAA Panel
12-1:00PM: Keynote Speaker Jonathan Handel, Like Scorpions in a Silicon Cage: How Hollywood Management and Labor Fought While Content’s Kingdom was Slipping Away
1:30-2:45PM: NFL Panel
3:15-4:30PM: Music Panel
4:30-5:30PM: Closing Remarks and Reception
As if that wasn't enough of an enticement, I'll be the moderator for the 10-11:30 panel about NCAA Infractions. The panel is going to have some big-time names, David Williams, the de facto head of Vanderbilt's athletic department, Gene Marsh, a current Alabama law school professor who previously was chairman of the NCAA Infractions Committee, William King who represented Alabama before the infractions committee and practices at Lightfoot, Franklin in Birmingham, and Ms. Stevenson from the NCAA. It should be pretty entertaining, and if you've ever had questions about how the NCAA infractions work we'll hopefully be able to explain some of them.
Oldest Known Photograph of Abraham Lincoln Surfaces
Truth be told, I've read an embarrassing amount about Abraham Lincoln in my life. My affinity for all things Civil War is well known. And there's nothing better than the photo having been in the possession of Ulysses S. Grant VI. The Sixth? Wow.
A collector believes a photograph from a private album of Civil War Gen. Ulysses S. Grant shows President Abraham Lincoln in front of the White House and could be the last image taken of him before he was assassinated in 1865.
If it is indeed Lincoln, it would be the only known photo of the 16th president in front of the executive mansion and a rare find, as only about 130 photos of him are known to exist. A copy of the image was provided to The Associated Press.
Grant's 38-year-old great-great-grandson, Ulysses S. Grant VI, had seen the picture before, but didn't examine it closely until late January. A tall figure in the distance caught his eye, although the man's facial features are obscured.
I know there was a JEB Stuart IV. Is there a PGT Beauregard VII? Man, I'd love to read an article tracing down the generational namesakes of Civil War Generals.
Kiffin was equally dogged. But when it was obvious that Jeffrey wasn't going to Tennessee, Kiffin took off the gloves.
According to Jeffrey and Wilson, Kiffin told Jeffrey that if he chose the Gamecocks, he would end up pumping gas for the rest of his life like all the other players from that state who had gone to South Carolina.
Jeffrey was doing his best to stay awake at that point, but that comment from Kiffin woke him up. He clearly hasn't forgotten it, either.
This is six months old, but somehow I didn't see it. Surprise, surprise, Cowboy didn't vote. Even more surprising, if he had bothered to vote, he would have voted for Obama.
Remember, "If you're looking for a change.........go look in the mirror."
The Confucius of our times ladies and gents, the Confucius.
Okay, again with the forensic hotness. Couple of things to keep in mind, Steve Spurrier was a quarterback at an SEC school who won the Heisman Trophy. Plus, he grew up in the South. I find it completely impossible to believe that Jerri wasn't once smoking hot. Feel free to trust me or not. There's something about Jerri Spurrier that screams, my granddaughters are all knock-outs who won't talk to you.
The only thing that gives me pause here is I'm convinced Jerri's a smoker. That and the fact that she's been married to Steve for several decades. You know Steve is into some weird voodoo shit. Call me crazy but I'm picturing Danny Wuerrfel topless on the ceiling above their bed.
6. Houston Nutt's Wife, Diana
Things Houston Nutt finds attractive in women:
1. Breasts 2. Rocking black denim
Things Houston Nutt may find attractive in women:
1. Suntans that make you look 25 years older than you actually are 2. Cow-print dresses (or at the very least sex on classic cow-print ottomans)
Rumor has it that Houston Nutt responded to the Arkansas text-message controversy by contacting local media, "I got one word for y'all," (pauses to scratch his body uncontrollably, as if his entire body is covered in poison ivy).
"Canzzzzz."
Then he gave the Zorro insignia.
And the Arkansas media all looked around at each other and said, "You know, why would he be chasing another woman if his wife has canzzzzz like these?" If only Bill Clinton had been this smart.
7. Mark Richt's Wife, Katharyn
There's something about a woman who's willing to wear a baseball cap in public. Based on limited research which consists of opening emailed pictures sent to me, it appears that Katharyn Richt wears a cap all the time. More power to her, she's probably not high-maintenance. But we knew that already with the water-girl angle.
Also, based on extensive knowledge gleaned from pornography this teaches us that she also enjoys pigtails, French Maid's outfits, knee socks, and licking on oversized lollipops. Hunker down, Mark, hunker down.
8. Dan Mullen's wife, Megan
This is what happens when you marry your college sweetheart and you went to Ursinas College. I'm not knocking the East Coast, it's just that 95% of their women are ugly. I'm sure Megan was the best looking woman at Ursinas. That's fine. None of the hottest sororities in the South would have her as a member. If you're a head coach in Mississippi and your wife could walk past any man in the Grove and not make them turn their head, you're penalized. I'm sorry, that's the Mississippi standard.
Plus, based on the first photograph, it's possible she's a giant. Either that or the Mississippi good ole boys she's being pictured with are midgets. I'm going with giant, since Mississippi good ole boys hunt midgets from helicopters flying over their plantations. Everyone knows that. They certainly don't take them to charity events.
Anyway, now you know why Dan Mullen would always stare wistfully at Tim Tebow and say, "Boy, if you weren't a virgin do you know how much grade-A prime beef puss you could get on this campus?"
I listened to this on the radio. And by listened to this, I mean heard static in west Tennessee until hearing the final score. I suppose this is some form of mercy. Because until late Sunday night I still hadn't seen this shot.
Even The Great Wall of Vagina can't be blamed on this one. Congrats to Bama, we pulled a Kentucky and managed to lose to a 13 or more point underdog at home. (I may be wrong but I think the only SEC opponent Tennessee has been favored by more over was Georgia.) Yep, this one sucked.
But can we please stop referencing Senior Night when teams lose at home? Especially when they lose and there isn't an important senior on the roster. This loss, along with Kentucky's loss, sucks because both teams found a way to lose to inferior opponents at home, not because it was senior night.
Last week at 8 am I got a text message from the fine guys at Roundtable Radio. It read something like this, "Rank the SEC coaching wives, you game?" Of course I immediately wrote back yes, provided I didn't have to do the picture research and just got to look at pictures and make judgments about the relative attractiveness of women I didn't know.
I believe I was selected for this important mission for two reasons: 1. I was willing to do it and 2. I started the facebook group Our Coach's Wife Is Hotter Than Your Coach's Wife. Which basically kills the excitement of who the hottest coaching wife in the SEC is. That's why I'm making the radical decision to start at the top: 1-4 in the first post, following that up with 5-8 in the next post, and ranking the final four wives in the last post, just about time I come on for my Monday afternoon segment on Roundtable Radio. As always, it should be stellar. So here we go.
A couple of ground rules:
1. I've attempted to approximate relative hotness by asking a standardizing question of myself: "How hot would (insert coach's wife here) have been at the age of 21?" I've done this because I don't want to merely answer the call of biology and select younger women solely because they are still of reproductive age. So in some cases I'm doing my best to approximate what fifty or sixty-year old women might have looked like several decades ago. You know, back when they weren't grandmothers.
I figure who better to make this determination than me, a man typing on a bed in the Comfort Suites Hotel room squinting at emailed jpeg pictures while relying on a tenuous wireless internet signal. Also, I really did send this email message from my blackberry a few minutes ago to John S. at Roundtable Radio, "Got them. I think you double sent Petrino's wife and left off Les Miles' wife." I'm not questioning my life at all.
2. It's important to note that this analysis is an important part of my "the hotter a coach's wife, the better a recruiter he is" theory. Consider this as we move along.
Here goes:
1. Layla Kiffin--
When I was young lad of eight or nine years old, I went to a major league baseball game in Atlanta and we had cheap seats. No surprise there. But later in the game, since the Braves were awful and no one was there, we moved down to just behind home plate. To our immediate right was the largest collection of beautiful women I'd ever seen to that point. My dad saw me looking at the women and said, "Pro baseball players have good looking wives."
"Why?" I innocently asked.
"Because they can," said my dad.
Look at the smirk on Lane Kiffin's face in this picture. He looks just like the guy who never got a date in high school and showed back up at the ten-year reunion with a 14 on the classic 1-10 scale. Or like the youngest brother who lives on the other side of the country and just showed up on Christmas Eve to taunt his older married brother with his girlfriend as his brother tries to get his three-year old daughter to eat her peas at dinner.
"Damn it Kylie, you've got to eat your peas or Santa won't come," the older brother will say, just as the younger brother catches his eye and ostentatiously looks down at his date's perky canz.
"Don't curse," his wife, who suddenly looks like she just fought her 18th consecutive battle-axe duel, will say, slapping his right hand.
Later on that night, as the older brother struggles to put together The My Little Pony Dreamhouse at 3 in the morning his wife will say, "I thought your brother's wife dressed a little slutty for Christmas, didn't you?"
Later, the family will claim the older brother's carbon monoxide death was an accident.
2. Gene Chizik's wife, Jonna
Gene, you old poonhound you, you don't need to touch the entire front of your wife's body for the introductory press conference photo. Alabama hasn't even offered her a pink land rover to come to Tuscaloosa yet.
Because you can never go wrong with a classic orange raincoat to an indoor press conference.
Luckily we have dialogue from Chizik's wife speaking to her best friend, Sarah Jo, upon learning of Gene's hire.
Chizik Wife: "Gollee Sarah Jo, Gene just got hired by Auburn."
Sarah Jo: Squeals. "I thought y'all were about to get fired at Iowa State."
Chizik Wife: "Well, I just got this great new raincoat..."
Sarah Jo: "How great?"
Chizik Wife: "Well it's orange and it's got these big buttons up top and a big butterfly collar. You remember Mary Poppins?"
Sarah Jo: "Yeah."
Chizik Wife: "It's the raincoat that Mary Poppins would have worn if she liked sex."
Sarah Jo: "Oh God, that's so hot. You have to wear it."
Chizik Wife: "I know, right?"
Sarah Jo: "Totally."
3. Rich Brooks' wife, Karen Brooks
Remember how I said I was using forensic hotness to make determinations? Well, here's the first shocker, meet Karen Brooks.
Believe it or not Rich Brooks was a defensive back at Oregon State in 1961. No, really, he was. That means he has loose hips. Rich Brooks can get low, swivel, touch the floor, make a woman weak in the knees.
That's what happened to Mama Brooks. Look at her with the horse. Note the gentle touch, the soft caress, the blond hair at the age of 93. You can't teach that.
Nor can you teach a classic, strong name like Karen. It's Germanic, powerful, a name like two sick Marines coughing Ka-Ren. Sure, some wives could look pretty in frilly dresses (or raincoats), but how many could milk a cow in an evening gown and not get a drop of milk on the gown? Or still make a white polo taut on their chest when they stroke a mare's hiney? Just one.
Plus, facial reconstruction suggests that Karen Brooks was smoking back in the day. Of course she was literally smoking and that was considered the habit of a loose woman back in the day. But, even still, she made a man want to give her his Presidential vote since she couldn't vote herself. Here's one vote for Ka-Ren.
4. Shelley Meyer
"Okay, Shelley, remember, Tim Tebow can't resist heels. Show me the heel, lift it, perfect."
Maybe it's just me but I picture Urban Meyer having a color-coordinated sex calendar on the wall of his bathroom. He has sex twice a week from 11:14 PM to 11:27 PM on every Tuesday and Thursday. (Half of all married men right now are thinking, crap, he wins two national championships and he gets to have sex for twenty-six minutes a week? Life's not fair.) Blue is for traditional missionary position sex and orange is for something wacky, like not taking off his socks. Or crying into the pillow while Shelley Ralph Cifaretto's him.
Okay, I'm going to rocket through some emails early today, because I'm bouncing out of town this weekend and trying to leave during Fox's morning nap. That sounded bad on the reread. Don't worry, I'm taking him with me. I just want him to sleep in the car.
I'm giving the beaver pelt trader of the week to Sarah Beth K. who gave the best pink dolphin name, "Clay, I think you have to honor Nu'Keese. How about Ol'Keese." I love this. Particularly when I emailed her and she confirmed she independently came up with this and hadn't listened to me make a joke about Nu'Keese's father being named Ol'Keese on the hour long Solid Verbal podcast. Superb. On to All That and a Bag of Mail.
In case you didn't click on the link you missed Long Wang, freshman North Carolina wrestler. Sometimes things are too easy. Also, and I hate to go below the belt, but as an Asian man the name Long Wang has the strong potential to be really ironic. Not in a good way for him.
Josh S. writes:
C’lay,
I was listening to your interview on Solid Verbal from a last week, and it brought me to an interesting question: how do so many writers from outside the southeast somehow “misremember” that FSU, Georgia Tech, and Clemson are not a part of the SEC?
It seems that whenever the non-conference scheduling issue is brought up by such writers, they tend to praise LSU and Tennessee for playing teams like Arizona State and Notre Dame, yet they forget about the annual rivalry games that Florida, Georgia, and South Carolina play against decent ACC opponents. The facts of the matter are these:
With the exception of Georgia the last few years (kudos for playing OK State and Boise State), all SEC teams tend to play one medium-to-difficult non-conference opponent and 3 cupcakes.
With the exception of a few teams in the Pac-10 (which gets added props for playing an additional in-conference game), all the major programs in the other major conferences schedule pretty similarly out-of-conference.
How many times do I have to hear Brent Musburger rave about Ohio State traveling to Texas, while in the same breath overlooking that they also play Youngstown State, Toledo, and the Columbus Institute for the Deaf and Blind? How many times do I have to hear Bob Griese tell me all about the virtues of USC hosting Auburn and Arkansas, and then hear him complain about SEC teams never traveling out west to play games?
Look, I admit it: the out-of-conference scheduling in the SEC mostly sucks. Each team only plays one tough non-conference game a year, and fans deserve better. But why does the SEC have the reputation for playing cupcakes when the majority of the major programs in the Big 10, Big 12, and ACC play many of those same bottom-feeders? Is this the last morsel of criticism that the national pundits have for the SEC?
Your thoughts?
Great, great point in the email. You've basically nailed this. The only other thing I'd add is that people overlook the economic loss that comes from playing a game away from home. SEC schools get four home games and four road games each year. So from a purely economic perspective schools with big stadiums have to have a minimum of three additional home games. Asking an SEC school to go on the road is demanding them to give up about $10 million in gate revenue and concession sales. Economic realities simply won't allow any more than one tough out of conference game.
Ben W. writes:
C'lay,
I always catch your segment on the Round Table on Mondays because I find it thoroughly entertaining. After today's discussion on the search for the ever elusive Playboy by resourceful young boys I felt compelled to pass along this story of myself. The year was 1995 when I discovered my quirky friend Pat's father had a subscription to Playboy. Well, needless to say, Pat jumped to the top of the best friends list. A few months later, when the house was vacant, we infiltrated the stash and snatched one from the pile. We quickly moved the priceless contraband into his room and pulled the cover back, insert waaaw sound here. For the better part of an hour, we went from one glossy page to the next drooling over the most immaculate bodies we had ever seen that included the most amazing breasts created by God himself, or some very talented plastic surgeons. I lean towards the latter, but they were very real to us. Luckily the photo of the centerfold has been forever ingrained in my brain because I eventually found out that it was Jenny McCarthy. Since uncovering that little piece of information, I am even more proud of our conquest that life changing day. Pat now lives several states away, but we are still good friends.
BGID, Ben'
P.S. It also contained girls of the Pac-10. I wish it had been girls of the SEC; that would be the Superfecta, but that's just greedy.
Who wouldn't read a collection of men's stories about the first time they got to really see porn? Just call it My First Porn and collect the best stories for publication. These would be classic. Feel free to start sending them into me. They can't be graphic, but they must be funny. We'll run them and protect your identity in the process.
And if women send them in? Well, I'll protect your identities even more.
CLM writes:
Albert Haynesworth inks with the Skins for a 100 million. Looks like we do know a little something here in Texas.
The Redskins are going to be psyched about this until he gets hurt in the third game and misses a month for a torn labia. I mean labrum.
Ben R. writes:
My buddies and I have a name for the chest tattoo (mentioned on your Roundtable Radio appearance). We call it the “tittoo.” And I think they’re the ugliest things ever. You don’t draw a mustache on the Mona Lisa and you don’t put a tattoo there!
Amen, if you're a girl and you've ever found yourself thinking, "I wonder how to ensure that I only date classy men with criminal records," get a tittoo. If you're a father and your daughter has one of these...man, stop looking at online porn. Sooner or later your daughter is going to pop up.
John P. writes:
Clay,
Is the only thing that Brian Williams put on his bio that he lost 100 pounds his senior year of high school? This is seriously the only thing every broadcaster says about him when he comes on the court. Maybe he could also say that after demoralizing home losses to Kentucky, he enjoys going to the Chilis bar on the Strip and drowning his sorrows is strawberry daiquiris with Josh Tabb.
P.S. I didn't know if this would meet the high moral standards of your site but he could also say that he enjoys driving up and down the Strip using the pick-up line, "I see you with that fat ass. You tryin' to suck some d*ck tonight?" True story.
Count Chocula ladies and gentlemen. Now I know who to roll with come football season. What if you saw me driving down the street with Brian Williams (in his Honda Accord with 20 inch rims), and then we pulled up next to a lady and he threw his line and then I followed it up with, "We about to get crunk up in here."
The only thing that could possibly make this scene better would be if Coach O. popped out of the sunroof then and started singing Womanizer at the top of his lungs.
Let's make it a ClayNation canon, if you're a Tennessee fan you can never, ever utter the remotest criticism of Bruce Pearl. Every time you mention his name you should have to cross your heart like you're Catholic. We can all question the motivations and decisions of the players, but Bruce is beyond criticism. He's won three SEC East titles in four years. And I think he's going to add an SEC Tournament title to the resume next week. Yep, I actually wrote that. As a Tennessee basketball fan I've heard all about teams peaking at the perfect time, but I'm not sure that I've ever actually seen in happen. Until now.
Here are a few things that jumped out at me.
1. The t-shirt, jacket look is golden. And undefeated. Prior to the Florida and South Carolina games the two teams were a combined 31-1 at home. Enter the t-shirt, jacket look. Bang, Columbia and Gainesville crumble. Coincidence, I think not. Meaning I completely disagree with reader John P. who sent this email while i was typing this very point, "Bruce hit a new low last night with the white-T look on national TV. Can we stage an intervention at this point? Bruce is trying just a little too hard to be the cool new divorced guy."
John, right now, hurry to your nearest Catholic church, dip your fingers in the holy water, and rush to the pews to say fourteen Hail Pearls. Do it. Now.
2. Did anyone else like when Bob Knight opened the telecast by saying that UT's success in this game would be predicated upon how well they ran their press? Really? Why not just admit that you haven't watched any of UT's games this season. (Not even the one when ESPN Gameday came to Knoxville and you were there for the game.) He has all day to prepare his opening and he leads with that?
Having said that, Knight really gives you a window into his coach's soul with the way he examines the refereeing. I'm convinced that the number one way to determine whether someone thinks they are much smarter than they actually are is, in a sports setting, if they're obsessed with the calls that referees make. The smarter you think you are, the more inclined you are to rip referees. You think you can do their job better than they can, and you don't disguise that fact. The flip side to this also works, the dumber you are the more likely you are to blame ref calls.
I'm not saying that you can't disagree with individual calls if they're blatantly wrong, I'm saying that if you watch a game and you find yourself being the guy who constantly rips officials, you're a tool. And not as smart as you think you are.
3. Having said that, an olive branch, I actually like Knight. I like the way he says, "Run that back," like he's still a coach and some trembling graduate assistant is sitting with a projector and film of the game.
I like the way he analyzes plays and lets you know things you didn't see yourself. How rare is it that someone calls a game and says something that you couldn't of thought of yourself?
And even better than that, how about Knight quoting Nathan Bedford Forrest during the game? I have to love him for that.
As an aside, some of you have been emailing for more great sports books to read. A Season On the Brink by John Feinstein is golden. Here's the link. http://www.amazon.com/Season-Brink-John-Feinstein/dp/0671688774 I read this during the fall as I began writing On Rocky Top. My goal was to mix the access of this book with Nick Hornby's Fever Pitch. Feinstein gives the best portrayal of Knight that I've ever seen written of any sports figure.
4. How good has Tyler Smith been playing of late? He's been a completely different player since putting up the worst game of his career at Lexington a couple of weeks ago.
Even more important than that, the team seems to be enjoying themselves again. Genuinely enjoying basketball. That's Pearl's real talent as a coach, he doesn't strip away the fun from the game. Put simply, Tennessee's players actually smile during the course of the games. They don't glower or sulk very much. They scream and yell and seem to be having a good time.
As if that weren't enough, Tyler is now saying he may come back for his senior season. Can you imagine how good this team could be next year if everyone came back and got another year to play together? From the Knoxville News-Sentinel.
"Sunday could be my last game (at Thompson-Boling Arena), and it might not be,'' Smith said after Thursday night's 86-70 win over South Carolina. "It's 50-50 right now.''
5. Bruce Pearl's record in four seasons of the SEC: 12-4 (win the east), 10-6 (second in the east), 14-2(win the outright SEC), 11-5 (shoot me, I'm giving us Bama on Sunday, win the east). That's 47-17 since he entered the league. No other program is even close. If I'd told any Tennessee fan those numbers four years ago when Mike Hamilton made this hire, you'd have said Travis Henry had a higher IQ than me. Throw in the a 2 seed, a 5 seed, a 2 seed, and what's looking like another 5 seed at worst (The Vols are now #16 in the latest RPI), and we're talking about Tennessee basketball at a four-year level it has never been at before.
6. Last night's win was big for me for another reason. Back before the conference games began, I bet my friend Weatherholt a dinner at Fleming's that Tennessee would finish a game better than Kentucky in the conference. You can imagine how nerve-wracking this turned out to be. After both Kentucky wins I've opened up my email in the morning to see Weatherholt detailing his steak, "I'm going to get a nice filet with blue cheese crumbles."
These emails were particularly galling after Tennessee got blown out at Rupp 13 days ago. Kentucky was 8-4 and confident and we were 7-5 and limping down the stretch.
What a difference 13 days can make. Now I think I'm going to win this bet going away, Kentucky is not going to win another regular season conference game this season and Tennessee is not going to lose another one. Seriously, what odds could you have gotten on this from anyone in the ten minutes after the Kentucky-UT game ended. Imagine if I'd gone on CatsPause and made this prediction. Man, I almost wish I could time-travel just to make this post.
I'll say it again, Pearl is intentionally tanking against Billy Clyde to keep BCG in Lexington as long as possible. (This is a joke...kind of..)
7. I can't even explain how Pearl has done what he's done, but how much more enjoyable is watching this team play in the past three games? Somehow we don't take bad shots on offense anymore. The light has literally come on. I can count on one hand the number of shots that I was screaming at the television screen. It used to be half of our shots were awful. Sometimes they went in, but usually they didn't. Now? Now, we look like a well-oiled offensive machine.
How did this happen? Bruce Pearl is God, that's how.
I didn't write about it, but Tennessee went into Gainesville and turned the ball over just six times. Against 18 assists. That's extraordinary. Truly. Yep, somewhere along the way the Great Wall of Vagina has turned into the Charge of the Cameltoe Brigade. Win the SEC Tournament and it may be time for another battlefield promotion.
Until then, I leave you with a little Tennyson. Mixed with a bit of Travis.
5.
Cannon to right of them, Cannon to left of them, Cannon behind them Volley'd and thunder'd; Storm'd at with shot and shell, While horse and hero fell, They that had fought so well Came thro' the jaws of Death Back from the mouth of Hell, All that was left of them, Left of Pearl's Great Wall of Vagina.
6.
When can their glory fade? O the wild charge they made! All the world wondered. Honor the charge they made, Honor the Cameltoe Brigade, Noble fourteen.
Clearly Man the Book, written by four Nashville natives, me, pro basketball player D.J. Harrison, Tardio and KWo, has had its desired impact. We're the manliest city in America. Just to confirm how accurate this study is New York finished last out of 50 cities surveyed. Here's the article.
Cities lost ranking points for "emasculating" characteristics like the abundance of home furnishing stores, high minivan sales and subscription rates to beauty magazines.
Nashville grabbed the top spot in the ranking thanks to its high number of NASCAR enthusiasts, popularity of hunting and fishing, and concentration of barbecue restaurants.
Rounding out the top five were: Charlotte, N.C.; Oklahoma City; Cincinnati; and Denver.
All we needed was a quote about the rising popularity of beards in Nashville. That would have explained everything.
I also think I speak for everyone when I say Cincinnati? Rates of porn consumption should have factored in somehow. Anyway, it's crunk up in here.
Tip of the beaver pelt to reader Moost for the link. Moost? Really?
You think Floridians are crazy for all things Tim Tebow? How many dogs in the Gainesville area would you wager are named Tebow? Well, I think the owners of this 2-year-old thoroughbred for sale down in Miami have stepped up their game. Take a look at T Tebeau:
T Tebeau, a Trippi – Xtra Emblem colt, was the fastest worker at a quarter mile, covering the distance in :21 2/5. In 2008, the quickest time for a quarter was :21.
Consigned by Off the Hook, agent, T Tebeau is the second foal out of the 9-year-old winning Our Emblem mare Xtra Emblem and is from the family of grade I winner Bonapaw and grade II winners Luminaire and Wistful. Off the Hook purchased the bay colt for $95,000 at the 2008 Ocala Breeders Sales Co. August yearling sale.
I'm picturing the horse winning a race and then jogging back to the stable to fire up the other horses. Also, the horse can walk on water, but that's entirely a coincidence. So is T Tebeau's looming Triple Crown victory.
What's not a coincidence? Erin Andrews going all Catherine the Great with the horse. So predictable.
Kentucky Fans Are Overreacting, Billy Clyde Is The Man
Let me be the first to tamp down all the uproar over Kentucky's home loss to Georgia last night. It wasn't that big of a deal. Rather than write about the game myself, I decided to outsource the Billy the Finchless Wonder Clyde defense to hardcore Kentucky fan Ricky Bellweather:
It was a close game! Everybody loses close games! Georgia is more talented than Kentucky because they haven't had to deal with Tubby Smith since 1998. I'm so mad at Tubby for losing this game that I ate my Kentucky camouflage hat. And everybody knows that Kentucky camouflage hats are the only objects that aren't losing value in this economy. People keep talking about gold. Hell, shoot, gold? I'll tell you, if the government would have diversified Fort Knox and put some Kentucky camouflage hats in the vault, we wouldn't be in this business. Those things are like gold bullion. Only tougher to find in the woods.
Billy Clyde is totally losing because of Tubby! Tubby sucks! He hasn't been to the Final Four since 1848. You can't spell Final Four without Kentucky. But you can spell it without Tubby. But you can't spell it without Billy Clyde. See what I mean?
People think that my state sucks because it combines the worst of the South with the worst of the Midwest. Bullfeathers. Have you seen Louisville on a lovely winter morning? The pollution loosens in the afternoon clouds and you can almost see Indiana on the other side of the river. Indiana! And everyone knows that Indiana is god's country. That's why everyone in Louisville goes across the river to have their babies. So our babies poop and pee on Indiana. Fist bump!
They suck.
But not as bad as Tubby. See, Billy Clyde has only been here two years. And he only has two of the best five players in the conference! Everybody knows that you have to have three of the best five players in the conference to win more than half your conference games! Everybody! That's just basic basketball, basketball 201. And Billy Clyde has only lost ten homes games. Just ten. That's hardly anything. He's won more than he's lost at home! Let's see Tubby do that. Stupid Tubby. He doesn't even have the same skin color as Rick Pitino.
Plus Billy Clyde beat Tennessee twice this year. Twicest. That's more than once. A lot more. I should know. Once I had sex. But then I didn't have sex again. Probably because I forgot my camo hat. It has a big bright blue K on it. That stands for Kentucky! And in Kentucky we have sex once. Face!
Sometimes with girls.
Although, twicest my friend had sex with a cow. But she looked like a girl. Not like Tubby Smith ever had sex with cows. Billy Clyde knows how to give it to a heifer. He gets it! Knows exactly what it feels like to drop your trousers and keep your camo hat on and feel that bluegrass on your shins. God, I love bluegrass on my shins. Almost as much as I love Jodie Meeks.
Have you ever seen how tight Jodie Meeks' jersey is? If Jodie would ever wear my camo hat, I'd...
Anyway, back to the deal, some people are saying Billy Clyde is a joke now. You know what those people are? Communists. Like Vandy fans, oops, I mean Candy fans! Fist bump!
Eat it Candy, ha, we've locked up the tiebreak over you. Fifth in the SEC? I spit cow cud at you, we've got the tiebreak for the number 4 seed! And everyone knows that the number four is preferable to the number one. I mean, think about it, if you could have four Kentucky camo hats or one Kentucky camo hat, wouldn't you rather have four?
No brainer.
Besides, everyone knows that every team gets up to play Kentucky. Yeah, Georgia was 2-12 and hadn't won a road game all year. But this is Kentucky! And Georgia was all like, "We get to play Kentucky, the greatest team in the history of mankind. They basically invented dribbling, sex with cows, and big sideburns. Let's go play our hearts out, like we're a 4-10 team." And you know what? They did. They sure did. We get everybody's best shot. It's a fact. You can't always expect to beat 2-12 teams at home on Senior Night.
People say Kentucky fans are irrational. Bullfeathers. All we want is a white guy who looks like Rick Pitino. Is that too much to ask? All Mitch Barnhart has to do is put a picture of Rick Pitino up on the wall and then put all the coaching candidates on the wall around him. With pictures cut out from magazines like paper dolls. Then he needs to find an old man with cataracts and have that man stand twenty-feet away from the wall. Whichever guy he thinks looks the most like Rick Pitino is our new coach. And, guess what, bang, it's Billy Clyde.
Fist bump for Mitch.
So all you Kentucky fans who think that this team has underachieved are wrong. Flat wrong. We're gonna win the SEC Tournament. No doubt. We've got the four! And if gotten the four seed is wrong, I don't want to be right. I'll rip out my sideburns and light my goatee on fire, if I'm not right about that.
I only got four words for you losers who hate Billy Clyde.
So, for example, he told the President that if he was rooting for the visitors, he was "gonna have to keep it to a low roar, because we're cheering for the Wizards over here." Obama, in turn, repeatedly needled Rawls about the Wizards' habit of letting leads evaporate, especially when the Bulls made a run.
"We was just going back and forth," Rawls said. "Once Chicago started coming back, he told me, 'Now I think you need to sit down.' When Tyrus Thomas dunked on somebody, he turned around, was talking smack. Then JaVale McGee had that alley-oop, and he gave me the high five. We was just supporting each others' team, having a good time."
My only issue with this, why didn't Obama go to the game with friends? Who wants to go watch a game in person by himself? Unless Obama and the white kid sitting next to him are tight. Then I take it all back.
Looking at the above picture, Rawls is lucky he didn't get tased. Another more morbid question, if Obama was assassinated at the Verizon Center would the Verizon Center be the 21st century's answer to Ford's Theater? Would it go on the national register of historic places and be toured by our great, great grandchildren?
Anyway, I like that Rawls made a secret service agent laugh. It's so humanizing!
Courtesy of reader Kyle H. comes the story of a Florida woman, Latreasa Goodman (in case you were wondering Latreasa is French for "my mom can't spell teresa") who didn't accept McDonald's inability to fill her Chicken McNuggets order lsying down. She called 911. Three times. The woman's status as a Florida Gator student has yet to be confirmed. But I think we all know that's a matter of minutes away.
"This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn't have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don't want one," police quoted her as saying. "This is an emergency."
The cashier suggested she choose something else off the menu of equal value to the McNuggets, and offered the restaurant's cheeseburger called the McDouble.
"She's trying to force me to eat something off the menu and I don't want it," Goodman told 911.
In a related story, Gainesville, Florida police are unimpressed. They received 4,167 911 calls during the recent Little Debbie embargo.
Does Auburn Deserve an NCAA Bid Over Kentucky and Florida?
I know, I know, this is kind of shocking but after their road win last night at Alabama, Auburn is 19-10 overall and now 9-6 in conference. That's a better conference record than either Florida or Kentucky. With last night's win they also clinched a bye into the second round of the SEC Tournament. As if that weren't enough, here's the kicker, they get LSU at home in the final game of the regular season. Win that game over a top 25 RPI team and all of a sudden they're 10-6 with a major win and have won 7 out of 8 in the conference to close the season. Vol fans will remember that Auburn turned their season around on the last-second lay-up. Since that win on February 7, they've lost just once--a 7 point defeat at LSU. Win against LSU on Saturday and Auburn will have gone an entire month and lost just once.
Now, there is still conference basketball to be played, but if we get a situation where Florida is 9-7, Kentucky is 9-7, and Auburn is 10-6, can you really argue that either Kentucky or Florida deserves a bid before Auburn? (Auburn lost to both teams in January, but my argument is predicated on the strength of Auburn's finish and the totality of the conference record.) Florida's record in the final month of the regular season would be 3-5, and Kentucky would have finished the season on a 4-7 run. Meanwhile Auburn would have finished at 7-1.
Right now Auburn's RPI is in the 60's, the same as Kentucky and beneath Florida. But that final win over LSU would do wonders for them, likely vaulting the Tigers into the 40's and putting them at 10 conference wins. The only SEC school I can remember with ten wins getting snubbed in the past 15 years is Vanderbilt. Am I misremembering this? Can anyone else remember a 10 win SEC team not getting in. (By the way reader Tom V. pointed out that SEC POY Dan Langhi didn't lead his team to the NCAA Tourney in 2000 either. So that makes he and Slay in the past 20 years who have won the award without their teams making the NCAA's.) Auburn's strength of schedule would be relatively equal to Kentucky and Florida as well. Granted Florida has the out of conference win over Washington and Kentucky beat West Virginia, but Auburn did go on the road and beat Virginia. Put it this way, if Kentucky or Florida get to 10-6 in conference, both teams will be convinced they're in no matter what they do in the SEC tourney. Why shouldn't the same hold true for Auburn?
As if that weren't enough Auburn will draw the 3 seed in the East in the second round of the SEC Tournament (best guess: either Kentucky or Florida). Win that game and there would be absolutely no doubt that they deserve a bid. That means Auburn can absolutely guarantee a bid for their team by beating LSU on Saturday and the East 3 in the quarterfinals of the SEC Tournament. Yep, Jeff Lebo and Auburn are that close to dancing come the NCAA Tourney.
How amazing is that turnaround since trailing Tennessee by four with less than a minute to play? Perhaps the best SEC evidence of how one single play can change the course of a season.
Just when Kentucky and Florida fans have been focusing on their game in Gainesville as the ultimate play-in game for the NCAA Tournament, think again, Auburn's looming.
Pink Dolphin Returns to Louisiana Lake; ClayNation Comes Undone
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Yesterday I kept checking my blackberry and laughing. As one after another of you sent in an update on Louisiana pink dolphin that disappeared for a while and has now returned. And, no surprise, it's in the British newspapers. Due to the fact that I'm more popular in England than America this should come as no great shock. Certainly not to reader Austin S. "What are the odds that a British newspaper’s report on a pink dolphin sighting in Louisiana is directly connected to your unquestioned popularity across the pond? High, my friend, very high. This definitely gets billed as some quality legal research."Here's the link.
You'll recall that two years ago we wrote about the initial appearance of the Louisiana pink dolphin in the ClayNation column. Then, in one of the more crushing vote tallies of my life, the pink dolphin was crushed in the 2008 beaver pelt trader of the year contest. How bad was it? The only person the pink dolphin beat was Robin Thicke. Now we have an update.
"As time has passed the young mammal has grown and sometimes ventures away from its mother to feed and play but always remains in the vicinity of the pod.
"Surprisingly, it does not appear to be drastically affected by the environment or sunlight as might be expected considering its condition, although it tends to remain below the surface a little more than the others in the pod."
But this time for whatever reason, people are particularly taking note.
Some sample lines from emails about the pink dolphin:
Brad L. "We've been told it loves corn dogs."
Rebekka V. wrote:
Clay-
I've been a fan of your site ever since I went away to UNC for college and realized how much I missed the SEC when I regularly Google searched for anything I could read about LSU football my entire first semester. I'm sure I'm not the first person to email you about this but I just had to-
Let me just say, never, ever apologize for emailing news about pink dolphins. Never. Several of you did. Including Rebekka. The only thing better than pink dolphin emails is an Elin Grindemyr sex tape. (Which, for the record, if it ever happens, I expect to receive this email from 10,000+ people. And I'll personally thank all of you.)
But the greatest email comes from Brent M.:
Apparently, its a mystery as to how the pink dolphin ended up in the lake. I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that Les Miles put it there. He is now using the captivating and awe-inspiring pink dolphin to lure recruits to the bayou. How can Urban Meyer compete with the majesty of a pink dolphin? It's simple, he cant. Its just a matter of time until Lane Kiffin exposes this recruiting violation at a booster breakfast.
I feel like the ClayNation should be in charge of giving the pink dolphin its official name (which would undoubtedly have an apostrophe). Is there a government agency for rare and mystical creatures that we could lobby for this job?
Yep, and we're it. Send in your nominations for the name and we'll vote.
Undoubtedly, Meeks will win SEC POY. However, Marcus Thornton is the MVP of the league. Despite how putrid the SEC is this year, people fail to realize just how bad LSU was last year. Thornton's numbers historically are up there behind Pistol Pete and Chirs Jackson--who would be on most All-Time SEC teams. As an SEC fan, and more importantly, someone who attempts to bring UK fans back to reality, I'd llike to see you advocating a Marcus Thornton for POY/MVP of the league. Meeks had good numbers today, but most of his buckets were on uncontested lay-ups, while Thornton went to the basket again and again, shot well-defended threes, and made the clutch free throws. Apologies for the rant, I'm just tired of listening to UK fans purport that Meeks has had this wrapped up for weeks.
Great, great point. I'll admit that I've been slow to come to the Marcus Thornton party. Probably because he didn't hang 54 on my team. But as the season has progressed, I've come around. I agree, Marcus Thornton should be SEC Player of the Year. I think there are three pretty strong arguments (this is like one of those five paragraph essays that we all had to perfect in 10th grade English).
First, Marcus Thornton's team has been much better than Jodie Meeks's team has. I know, I know, this isn't a team award, but right now Kentucky is set to go 9-7 on the season. If that happens they may or may not make the NCAA Tournament. Scan the list of past player of the year honorees in the SEC, for the past twenty years every winner except Ron Slay (who split honors with Keith Bogans) has led his team to the NCAA Tournament. Meeks may or may not. It likely will come down to the game at Gainesville. If Kentucky finishes 9-7, what is Meeks's value to the team in terms of wins and losses? I'm actually interested in what people think the answer is. Without Jodie Meeks is Kentucky 6-10? If so, that's only a three-game swing. Can you really argue that Meeks is worth more than three games for Kentucky? I ask because LSU is probably going to finish at least five games better in conference than Kentucky.
Second, LSU has been the dominant team in the SEC this year and Thornton has been their best player. I'm not always a proponent of rewarding the best player on the best team, but when a team is as dominant as LSU has been, I think you have to consider it when there isn't a clear statistical discrepancy between the best player on the best team and any other player on a lesser team. Let's look at Thornton's stats: He's averaging 21 points a game, 5.5 rebounds, 2.1 assists per game, 1.6 steals per game, making 48.1% of his shots from the floor, and shooting 40% from three. Compare that to Meeks, who is averaging 25.1 points a game, 3.6 rebounds, 1.7 assists, 1.3 steals, 46.7% from the floor, and shooting 41.9% from three. What's more, Meeks doesn't protect the ball that well for someone who has the ball in his hands as often as he does. He has a negative assist to turnover ratio. Just 38 assists to 83 turnovers. That's truly awful. It means Meeks hasn't involved his teammates very much or made teams pay for doubling him. Thornton has a positive assist to turnover ratio: 62 assists to 51 turnovers. Looking at all these numbers, are you telling me they aren't a virtual wash? Especially when you consider the fact that Meeks has taken 47 more shots from the floor on the season. Equalize shots and the points per game figure is virtually equal as well. As is Thornton has been more productive rebounding, assisting, in overall shooting from the floor, in getting steals and has turned the ball over much less than Meeks. Meeks has scored more points and shot a bit better from three. Also, Meeks has more made free throws. Again, these are equal stats. In order for a player on a lesser team to win the award, I think he has to be drastically better than all competition.
Finally, Meeks is beginning to tire out. Since the Arkansas game on February 14, Meeks is just 22 for 68 from the field. (That's just 32% shooting and a full 14 percentage points below his yearly average.) Worse, he's just 9-33 from three in that timeframe. In those four games since February 14th his team is just 1-3. Now you can certainly argue that Billy Clyde has been driving Jodie Meeks too hard and this has contributed to the problem. About a month ago, I wrote that Meeks' jumpshot was going to suffer down the stretch because he was playing too many minutes. Now that's happened. In 14 SEC games Meeks has been on the bench for just 45 total minutes. That's 515 of 560 potential minutes--92% of the time. If this trend continues than Meeks is going to be a drastically inferior player in the final 6 conference games than he was in the first 10. How you finish should count. Thornton's team has won 13 consecutive games.
Now Meeks scored 54 against Tennessee and that soaked up all the air for individual accolades in the league. Combining that performance with the Arkansas game, there's no doubt that Meeks has had the more spectacular individual games. But the numbers and the team records dictate that Thornton has had the more spectacular season. And for that reason he should be SEC Player of the Year.
It's beginning to look like there's an alarming overlap between non-heterosexual behavior and winning football games. But, of course, you already knew this thanks to John Parker Wilson.
Anyway, this is where the shirtless coaches gambit comes from. Note Pete Carroll looking sporty in the rare tandem of pleated khaki shorts and no shirt.
(For those of you listening to Roundtable Radio in Birmingham, this was the video that made Lance Taylor cry.)
The Great Wall of Vagina Went Down to Gainesville: Bruce Pearl Owns Billy Donovan
And earned a battlefield promotion to The Charge of the Cameltoe Brigade. That's what happens when you put forth the best effort of the year on the road against a team that hasn't lost at home all season. Now sitting at 9-5, the team formerly known as the Great Wall of Vagina heads to South Carolina with a chance to win the SEC East on Thursday night. My how things can change in a week. A few thoughts on the Florida-Tennessee game:
1. If Tyler Smith hits three or more threes in a game Tennessee is almost unbeatable. He gets the same looks every game, no one challenges him from outside. Against Florida he finally drained them. That's what has been so frustrating about this season. It's one thing to have teams defend you well and lose, another thing to have wide-open outside shots and consistently clank them off the rim.
2. How many times do you think Brian Williams will replay that open-court steal of Nick Calathes that led to a lay-up at the other end of the court? If I were him, I'd get a screen shot of the rip and put it up as my facebook profile pic. All so Bryce Brown could find Count Chocula easier. (Segue: I'm now facebook friends with the top recruit in the nation. Someone suggested him as a friend to me on facebook. I'm contemplating doing a daily post from his facebook wall. Trust me, the fan comments are outstanding.)
3. This isn't about our game but did anyone else notice the first commercial right after Kentucky lost to LSU? The CBS promo for the NCAA Tournament featuring the Laettner shot. I bet Kige broke something. Is there any basis to my thought that Bruce Pearl is intentionally tanking games against Billy Clyde? Just so the Finchless wonder stays at Kentucky as long as possible. I'm halfway convinced that Pearl and Donovan have a gentleman's agreement to lose to Kentucky just often enough to keep Billy G. around. Because they know that he's going to lose to enough bottom tier teams that it won't matter? Vandy fans should start up www.keepbillyclyde.com as a mock Kentucky fan site.
4. Florida fan Josh B. writes as follows: "If the Vols are The Great Wall of Vagina, then what are the Gators? We've got to be the weakest team in all of college basketball... I think the local community college team has bigger, stronger guys." I'm in agreement here. Florida has to be the softest team in the SEC. Instead of coming up with a witty nickname, I'm inclined to just say, "Chandler Parsons and Dan Werner are two of your starting forwards." Which has to be one of the most damning indictments of a team's toughness ever written.
5. Did anyone else notice Scotty Hopson get lost on defense with the Vols up three and less than a minute to play? He was guarding Erving Walker (who I think is going to be very good in the future). I went back to watch this play on DVR. Hopson's staring off into the Florida bench and Walker is already two-thirds of the way to the wide-open side of the floor before Hopson realizes what happened. Then he "recovers" and manages to block Walker's shot thanks to his one-foot height advantage. (This was after Walker went to the basket and scored over him a few possessions earlier.)
There's a real argument to be made that Hopson is the Matthew Stafford of SEC basketball. Absurdly talented, given to flashes of brilliance, and yet failing to put it all together right now. I wrote that Stafford was like the little league kid who'd rather build sandcastles in the dugout in one of my CBS columns. I think Hopson is similar. Which by the transitive property proves that he'll also be a first-round pick someday.
My question though, do you think Billy Donovan drew up this play knowing that Hopson would get distracted and lose his man? This sequence sums up Hopson this season. He's so much better when he doesn't think. When he was running at Walker and blocked the shot he had no real thought in his mind, he just played.
Like, when he had the one and one late in the game coming out of a timeout, you knew he was missing the first free-throw.
Nothing personifies Scotty's freshman season better than the end of the Miss. State game last week. He hits the first free-throw to set a career high. Then he airballs the second free throw. Unbelievable.
Having said all that, he's the only real X factor on the Vols team.
6. Bobby Maze almost killed us in the second half. Maze seems to live for the shot clock winding down top of the key jumper. Seriously, live for it. I almost think he intentionally makes this situation happen so he can take shots that otherwise would get him pulled from the game. These are no pressure shots, drain them and you get all the credit in the world, miss them and the shot clock was running down. What else was he supposed to do?
In the second half of the Florida game Maze took at least three shots where you thought, "What are in the hell is The Solution doing?" I never thought I would say this, but the offense runs much smoother with Josh Tabb in the game.
7. Back to Chandler Parsons, did anyone else notice him sticking out his hand on the free-throws as far as he possibly could? This is such a cheap Duke player move. Even Florida fans think this is cheap, right? Even worse, he kept pointing down during free throws and saying the UT free-throw shooters were over the line. It would have been poetic justice if Parsons' nose broke when he took a nutsack to the face attempting to draw a charge on a dunk from Tyler Smith.
8. Also, early lead for biggest homer call of the SEC season, Josh Tabb called for an offensive foul with 45 seconds left on a pass that got knocked out of bounds. I have no idea how a referee feels remotely justified in making this call. Even Dan Werner was shocked he got that call.
If Tabb had scored a basket there maybe, maybe, you make that call. Even then I think it's a no-call at best. But to make that call in that situation when no advantage was gained and the contact happened well after the ball was passed? Just an inexcusable call.
9. How good of a basketball player do you think Tim Tebow is? I started wondering about this because CBS cut to a shot of Tebow late in the game yucking it up with the chinless wonder, Urban Meyer. I ask because I remember how neither Bo Jackson and nor Herschel Walker could even dribble a basketball. Do you think Tebow is similar? And if you put him on the court at half-time and let him play basketball wouldn't it kill his reputation if he couldn't dribble? Or if he pulled up for a three and left it like ten feet short? I think it might. Right now I'd expect Tebow to dunk and for the basket to immediately shatter. Anything less and I'd be disappointed.
10. Do you think any part of Billy Donovan wishes he had taken the Magic job two years ago? He'd be coaching one of the best teams in the East and think about what high regard he'd be held in Gainesville right now? As is he's staring down the barrel of a must-win home game against Kentucky on teh final Sunday of the season to avoid back-to-back NIT trips. If Calathes were to leave, that's a very average team next year, NIT level again.
11. Which leads me to this, how much does Pearl own Donovan? 7-1 against him? 3-1 against teams that Dononvan won national titles with. He owns him enough that he was comfortable going t-shirt and jacket in Sunday's game. That's a great look, the day of Under-Armour and suit coats is upon us. Win on Thursday and Pearl will pretty much lock up 3 SEC East titles in 4 years.
I think sometimes Tennessee fans, myself included, are not giving enough credit to Pearl. Come hell or high water, and this year there's been both, there's still not another coach in basketball I'd rather have on my side. And the picture above is the perfect metaphor for the season. A wide-open Tennessee guard takes a wide-open shot. And all we can do, Pearl included, is stand and watch.
The Charge of the Cameltoe Brigade is upon us. Half a league men, half a league onward.
Vol Coaches Go Shirtless to Impress Recruits at Junior Day
Whoever gets to write a book about the new UT coaching staff is sitting on a blockbuster. The latest? Saturday was Junior Day in Knoxville. One of the top recruits in the country, wide receiver Markeith Ambles of Georgia was in town. He loved his visit. What was his favorite part? When the coaches took their shirts off. Austin Price of Volquest.com has the goods:
When asked what his top highlight was from his one day spent in Knoxville, he quickly responded.
"We were in a dark theater and all of a sudden they turned on the lights and the coaches ripped off their shirts," Ambles said with a laugh."It was like in the army and it got crunk up in there. Some of the players that were in there did some chants. It got crunk."
I might ask Markeith to blurb the new book. Suggested blurb: "About page 14, it got crunk up in there."
Many in the crowd weren’t sure how to react. “The coaches told us to stand up, but nobody really knew what to do. We started clapping, sort of like one of those ‘Ah, this feels awkward’ kind of things,” Volger said. “The coaches yelled ‘OK, we’re going to give you another shot. We’ve leaving the room. When we come back in here, we want it really to get crazy.’”
Douglass defensive lineman Garrison Smith said the lights in the room dimmed. “This one coach stayed behind and walked to the side of the room. Then he kept slamming the [side] doors, as if the other assistant coaches were trying to break it down. It was like an angry dog or some wild animals were on the other side.”
After a few moments, Smith said the doors swung open and the Tennessee assistants ran into the room. “By now, three or four coaches had their shirts ripped off.” Smith said around 10 Tennessee players, including All-America defensive back Eric Berry of Atlanta and quarterback Jonathan Crompton, ran down from behind the recruits to meet the coaches on the floor. “Eric and the rest of the players were chanting ‘U-T, wild boys … U-T, wild boys … U-T wild boys.’” This time, prospects left their seats and joined the celebration. “We were all jumping up and down together, it was cool,” McCoy said.
Where was Lane Kiffin? Standing off to the side smirking. Honestly, every week just gets better.
Travis has become enamored of several objects, phrases or events which he frequenly references in the column. Among the most frequent:
'Bama Bangs - a term coined by Travis to refer to southern men's hairstyles that feature prominent bangs for no apparent reason. Brodie Croyle and John Parker Wilson are oft-cited violators of 'Bama Bangs rules.
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When Clay Travis, acclaimed author of Dixieland Delight, decided to spend the 2008 season up close and personal with UT football, he—and every other college football aficionado—thought he was in for a rollicking ride with one of the leading contenders for the national title. After all, when the Vols kicked off the season on September 1, the defending SEC East champions were ranked 18th in the country. As head coach Phillip Fulmer prepared for the game, he reflected upon a coaching career that included an astounding 147 victories, two SEC championships, and a national title. With 34 years at UT under his belt as both a player and coach, the Tennessee native had just signed a contract extension that projected to keep him at the university long enough to become the winningest coach in program history.
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There is no college ball more passionate and competitive than football in the Southeastern Conference, where seven of the twelve schools boast stadiums bigger than any in the NFL and 6.5 million fans hit the road every year to hoot and holler their teams to victory.
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The newly favored man is not really a man at all, but a hairless, effeminate, germ-fearing, non-meat-eating, exfoliating, wristband-wearing woman of the worst order. We as men are told that we must embrace the sacred feminine in ourselves, even if it doesn't actually exist, and become the very quintessence of woman, plus penises. This situation is untenable. This trend must stop.
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Clay Travis is the only former student manager in the history of college athletics to marry an NFL cheerleader. He managed to pull this off despite an irrational affinity for the television shows Dawson's Creek and My Super Sweet 16. While being raised in Nashville, Tenn., Travis developed a healthy obsession with college sports and Alyssa Milano. As a teenager his greatest accomplishment was taking a doo-rag wearing Luke Duke (balling as Tom Wopat) to the hole at the Nashville YMCA.
In the midst of a stellar legal career during which he specialized in rewarding the unjust and punishing the oppressed, Travis began writing for CBS Sports's SPiN section in September 2005...
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