The Blind Side: Casting Coach O, Fulmer, Saban and crew
Friday, February 27, 2009
Okay, our beaver pelt trader of the week is Drew T. who, and this is the complete truth, managed to knock down a blood alcohol level of .359 while attending the opening of the new South Carolina Gamecock's baseball stadium. From an email via reader Bill Y. nominating him:
At about 5:45, Drew's sister gets a call. Drew fell down some stairs at the baseball game, she's told, and he has been taken to the hospital because he cut his ear open. We head over to the hospital, and when we arrive Drew's having x-rays done.
Fast-forward to post-game (Arkansas-South Carolina game). Drew's calling me, obviously drunk. He is at the Cock n Bull Pub, his home base. His sister is with him, trying to get him to eat, but he's having none of it. Instead, he's holding court, visiting with all the patrons and explaining why his head is wrapped with a bandage. Only he has concocted this story about him getting beaned with a foul ball. He shares this experience with several members of the USC baseball coaching staff who are eating dinner at the pub.
At one point, Drew begins telling us his memory of the hospital visit. Since he was obviously drunk when he was admitted, the doctor drew blood. Naturally, if a person has been drinking beer, doing shots, etc. for several hours, and hasn't eaten a meal in over 24 hours, that person's BAC is going to be pretty high. Drew's was a .359--which, according to at least one website, is akin to being under surgical anesthesia, and so of course the doctor doesn't give him any pain killers. The difference of course is that Drew T. was awake and talking while a surgical patient is in another galaxy. Drew then proceeds to pass out business cards to bar patrons--because everyone wants THAT GUY to be their retained counsel.
On to The Blind Side casting mailbag.
Ben writes:
C'lay
I like the proposed choices you have made for the parts, but how about these?
Coach O: Michael Chiklis
Nick Saban: James Woods
Phil Fulmer: John Goodman
Collins Tuohy: Reese Witherspoon
Leigh Anne Tuohy: Heather Locklear
BGID, Ben' Weldon <--Yeah, I possess Weldon
Nice job possessing Weldon. Not everyone can say that.
Locklear and Goodman are inspired choices, but, come on, Reese is way too old to play a smoking-hot 18 year old sorority girl. We don't want to go to the movie and have flashbacks to Andrea Zuckerman. Collins needs to be so hot it makes you uncomfortable to look at her on screen. Reese doesn't do that for me.
You know who would, Katrina Bowden from 30 Rock, aka Liz Lemon's really hot personal assistant. In honor of her hotness, I've included her picture up top.
John P. writes:
Don't kid yourself, Saban may see this movie as the ultimate recruiting pitch--- and take the role himself. I could see him doing the scene where he compliments Mrs. Tuohy on her curtains and interior design during the in-home visit. It would create quite a stir. LSU fans will go nuts seeing him in LSU gear. Alabama fans go nuts just getting to see the Messiah, and then require all Alabama public schools to take required field trips to the theater. As for Nick, he will get to relive the feeling of his past success at LSU, while probably grabbing a "Newcomer of the Year" acting award. It all makes too much sense for this not to happen.
This is brilliant. I didn't even think about the irony of Nick Saban being played as an LSU coach. How awesome will this be? What will happen in Louisiana theaters when he comes on the screen? Will people throw things? Will the theater boo as one?
That's a column waiting to happen. It's like Osama Bin Laden showing up at the 9/11 widows fundraiser.
Okay, maybe not. But close.
Can't you see Saban showing up to do media prep for his movie role and using the interview to explain why a recruit should pick Alabama or LSU. Or saying that if he'd been at Bama when he was recruiting Oher, Oher would have gone there instead of Ole Miss. I definitely can.
Hunter R. writes:
I only have one suggestion. And he was barely mentioned in the book, but I'm sure the screenplay will have to include Collins' social life a little more. Enter:
Fred Smith's Son, Cannon Smith : Spencer Pratt Period. And we all wondered if it was possible to love/hate him more. And he shouldn't act. He should be himself and if it's only a brief encounter, you'll be glad it happened.
Oh man, I love Spencer in this role. Absolutely love it. Especially if he keeps the wispy blond beard that makes women throw up a little every time they see him. That and if the screenplay adds a scene where, for no reason whatsoever, Spencer/Cannon makes it rain during a coaching visit.
Joshua B. writes:
Fulmer- Brady Coleman he just needs to go on a Krispy Kreme regimen for a few weeks and he'll be money
Saban- I think Hugh Jackman could pull off a mean Nick Saban...
Orgeron- this on may be a stretch, but we could really be tapping a gold mine here with Mike Miller AKA Lex Lethal from The Wrestler as Coach O...
Hughtavious Mingo (brother of BarKevious) has to get a look as Saban. Absolutely has to. Otherwise I'm screaming racism.
Are you telling me he can't nail the tree branch scenes?
Greg Hardy writes:
The Coach O. role is a no-brainer.
Duane "The Rock" Johnson
Because wasn't that a tidbit in "Meat Market" ... the theory that Johnson's "Rock" persona is at heart an impression of Coach O., his D-line coach with the Miami Hurricanes?
Coach O. doesn't just affect pop culture ... Coach O. IS POP CULTURE.
Brilliant, completely and utterly brilliant.
Tim D. writes:
Clay- My vote for Nick Saban has to be the guy who played Lumberg in Office Space, Gary Cole. Fulmer's gotta be played by Fred Thompson, they might as well be the same guy. And I'm going to nominate Alexis Dziena for the crucial role of Collins Tuohy. She's a bit under the radar name-wise but definitely fits the mold from a looks standpoint: petite and hot.
I was all set to give Alexis a chance but then I saw her in that stupid Kangol hat. And then I realized that I was overlooking the perfect Collins, Elin Grindemyr. Can you think of a better role to reintroduce a smoking hot girl who was claimed by Alabama than as playing a smoking hot sorority girl?
Nick M. writes:
Blake Clark, better known as Farmer Fran from the Waterboy.
The accent would be perfect.
Aimee F. writes:
Hey Clay,
Your loyal fan from Long Island here. I just wanted to mention something to you. I hope you don't already know this because it's cool to think that there might be a possibility that I know something about the University of Tennessee that a true scholar and fan like yourself might not. You mentioned that you would like to see Nick Saban played by James Denton from Desperate Housewives in the upcoming film The Blind Side.. While I don't personally watch crap like DH on tv I did google him a few years back because my old roommate thought he was hot and I didn't know who he was. Were you aware that he is from Tennessee and actually attended UT? Thus, I would be semi-opposed to him playing Satan in a movie involving SEC football!
Can't wait for On Rocky Top!
Sadly, I knew this. James Denton's mom was my Baptist Sunday school teacher. I know he's a huge fan of the Vols. So I liked the irony. But that was even before I remembered that it was LSU Saban.
Bryan Lay (Michael Oher on IMDB) Sends Word That Things Aren't Finalized Yet
Bryan says he'll update us once things are finalized and answer some questions. So you can look forward to that. It's nice to know that everyone believes they're a Hollywood casting agent. I'll be back later this afternoon with a mailbag on proposed casting choices. Until then, entertain yourselves with the beardhead. For the record, the beardhead is one of the worst inventions I've ever seen.
A while back we had my friend Bruce Feldman on the ClayNation radio show. He pointed to the Bryce Brown situation as indicative of where the perils of college football recruiting could lead--to recruits who attempted to make money off updating their recruiting. It's a fine moral line to walk, whether recruits should be able to profit off their recruitment. After all entities like Rivals and Scout have become companies worth over a hundred million dollars by reporting upon indigent high school athletes. But now the Bryce Brown saga has turned a new page, the NCAA is investigating his handler, Brian Butler.
For those who have been under a rock Brown is the top-ranked high school football player according to Rivals. A tailback from Wichita Brown will bemaking his college choice on March 16. That's about six weeks after national signing day passed on February 4. He'll be deciding between USC, Tennessee, LSU, and Oregon. If you want to really get queasy about the entire process, check out this article from the New York Times that came out the day before signing day.
Butler, a former rapper and cellphone call-center manager, is among a new breed of entrepreneurs inserting themselves into college football recruiting. Some say he is navigating gray areas of N.C.A.A. rules and brokering his clients’ futures for personal gain. Others say he is providing his clients with exposure they would not normally receive by leveraging connections he has made during the recruitment of the Brown brothers to create a market for lesser players.
Generally speaking football has escaped the handler dilemma that confronts major college basketball coaches. Primarily because there are so many more football recruits and it's comparatively hard to nail can't miss talent. (Half of the four-stars in Rivals' rankings will never play pro football for example.) But arguably, the services of a top caliber high school football player are even more valuable than a top basketball recruit. Why? Because the football recruit has to stay three years. Basketball players can be gone after just one. So if you can snag one of the top football players in a class, you can profit for three consecutive years. That makes the services of handlers like Butler pretty valuable.
Meaning we're going to be seeing a lot more situations like this in the future.
Hey. Hey, Hey, Haynesworth Gets $100 Million+ From Redskins
Right now the Titans are probably kicking themselves for not reaching a deal with Haynesworth two years ago. Or even a year ago. Because the Redskins backed up a truck full of cash and kept it pouring out. Haynesworth is now the highest played defensive player in the history of the league.
Let me repeat that, Albert Haynesworth is now the highest paid defensive player in the history of the NFL.
Haynesworth agreed to terms on a seven-year, $100 million deal contract offer from the Redskins on Friday morning when free agency began. He is scheduled to travel to Washington, D.C. on Friday, when a press conference has been scheduled for 4 p.m. Central.
The contract includes $41 million in guaranteed money, according to sources familiar with the situation. The base value of the contract could max out at around $115 million. Haynesworth is scheduled to earn $32 million over the first 13 months of the deal.
As if that weren't bad enough for the Titans Kerry Collins wants a two-year deal paying him $10 million per. And if they don't give it to him someone else might. You want to know how a team goes from contender to pretender in less than 24 hours, watch the Titans. Not to belabor the obvious, but this is why the Ravens loss was so painful. Twice the Titans have played the market correctly and ended up with home-field advantage and a clear path to the Super Bowl that doesn't require anything more than a bus ride to LP Field. Both times they've found ways to lose to inferior Ravens teams. Now it's time for Titans fans to acknowledge the obvious, the Titans aren't a Super Bowl caliber team anymore.
Two things are going to happen now, neither of them good.
1. The Titans will drastically overpay a mid-tier wide-receiver in order to placate angry fans.
2. The Titans will do nothing and become significantly worse while the rest of the league ponies up the cash to available free agents.
For the past several years the Titans have argued teams are overpaying for free agents. Maybe that's true. But if everyone else keeps paying more than you are that doesn't make you smart, it means you're refusing to acknowledge the realities of the NFL marketplace.
Now the Titans will roll into the draft looking for a rookie defensive tackle to replace Haynesworth. This would be kind of humorous if it weren't the actual plan.
Listen to me for an hour...bill it to reviewing discovery documents to ascertain whether ACP is potential issue
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Because right now you're thinking, what does Clay think about sundresses, Lane Kiffin, SEC football, assistant coaching salaries, 30 Rock, Varsity Blues, why Southerners don't trust Hollywood, The Blind Side movie, and gobs of other good stuff? Well, here's an hour to find out. With Ty Hildenbrandt and Dan Rubenstein of SI.com. Listen here.
Mississippi State, sigh, Mississippi State Misspells State Name on New Scoreboard
Mississippi State fans were angry at me over statements I made about their school in Dixieland Delight. In particular, I said that no one had ever graduated from the school. I've since been informed this is untrue, otherwise there would be no meteorologists. But now State has gone and made me question that all over again. Why? Because they've managed to misspell the state of Mississippi on their new scoreboard. Link to Spencer Hall, whose garguantan balls are the size of two manatees, courtesy of reader Mindy R.
And by the way, if you don't spell out Mississippi in a rhyming tone while you write it, you'd make this same mistake. What you wouldn't do is make it on a huge billboard that cost tens of thousands of dollars. It's errors like this that explain why State hasn't won an SEC title since 1941.
1. head-to-head; 2. division record (10 games); 3. record vs. No. 1 team in division proceeding through the No. 6 team if necessary; 4. non-division record (6 games); 5. record vs. No. 1 team in the opposite division proceeding through the No. 6 team if necessary; 6. coin flip by the Commissioner.
For a three-team tie:
1. Total won-lost record of games played among the tied teams (Example: Team A is 3-1, Team B is 2-2 and Team C is 1-3 - - Team A would be seeded highest, Team B second-highest and Team C lowest of the three); 2. division record (10 games); 3. record vs. No. 1 team in division proceeding through the No. 6 team if necessary; 4. non-division record (6 games); 5. record vs. No. 1 team in the opposite division proceeding through the No. 6 team if necessary; 6. coin flip by the Commissioner.
Once a three-team tie has been reduced to two teams, the two-team tiebreakers go in effect.
Since we've now got a three-way tie for second, it's probably time to start applying the rules. For instance if the season ended tomorrow the SEC East would be seeded like this:
1. South Carolina 2. Kentucky (3-0 record with three way tie teams) 3. Tennessee (1-2 record; head-to-head over Florida) 4. Florida (0-2 record) 5. Vandy 6. Georgia
Florida is the only team in the three-way tie that has yet to play either team at home. That starts Sunday with Tennessee. Kentucky is in the odd position of actually needing South Carolina to win the division rather than end up in a tie with them. Why? Kentucky's double losses to South Carolina really aren't hurting them now in the tie breaks since South Carolina is a clear number one right now.
Don't look now but there's a very real possibility for a 10-6 four-way tie for first.
If I had to rank the teams now for difficulty of their remaining schedule I'd say:
1. Tennessee (at Florida, at South Carolina, Alabama) 2. Kentucky (LSU, Georgia, at Florida) 3. Florida (Tennessee, at Miss. State, Kentucky) 4. South Carolina (at Vandy, Tennessee, at Georgia)
There are two big games on Saturday and one big game on Sunday. On Saturday South Carolina heads to Vandy and Kentucky gets LSU in Lexington. Come Sunday the Vols head to Gainesville. What's going to happen? It's anybody's guess.
I like Big Mike. But let's be honest, casting this guy to play him is like Brad Pitt being cast to play me. Previously he had a role on HBO's true blood as, "Gangster lover."
Awesome.
In the meanwhile I'm writing and editing all day long. So if I vanish for hours (or days) on end, you know where I am...staring into a computer screen trying to avoid the passive voice.
I got quite a few The Blind Side inspired emails from y'all after the post yesterday. Here's the IMDB page for the movie, scheduled for release in 2011. Sandra Bullock is now listed and Oher will be played by someone named Bryan Lay. We know this thanks to the below email.
Brian Kliman writes:
C'lay
Saw the update on sandra bullock. Have to agree that she might not be "milf" enough as well. closest look alike to Leigh Anne Tuohy might be Jessica Lange, circa 1988, while filming Everybody's All American. I'm sure everybody will be sitting on their hands to see who is cast as Collins Tuohy, member of the hottest sorority in the SEC says you (KD at ole miss). Also looked up the movie and it comes to find out they have already cast Oher's part. Bryan Lay? Never heard of him and I'm sure no one else has. Couldn't even scoure the internet to find one photo. I guess happy hunting out there to whoever can. (I'm sure that's possible in claynation).
From Sayward:
I loved The Blind Side and, being from Memphis, am always excited about films made in or about Memphis. Of all casting decisions, I am most curious about who will be playing the SEC coaches. Think about having to cast for Fulmer, Saban and most importantly Coach O. Nothing is more annoying about a movie than a fake southern accent, but I would pay money to see the casting calls for Coach O, how do you adopt his dialect without sounding like you are making fun of someone?
Okay, let's cast.
My calls:
Coach O.-- Vin Diesel
Phil Fulmer-- Fred Thompson (This actually comes from a reader comment, but it's too perfect to avoid. Of course you could also pick 90% of white men in the state of Tennessee between the ages of 55 and 62 and they'd work too.) Prior to that selection I was going to go with Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Which I love even more.
Nick Saban-- The plumber from Desperate Housewives, James Denton. Either that or Eric Taylor from Friday Night Lights. Saban's old (57), but he looks much younger.
Send in your nominations, we'll share the best. I've already said that I think Collins Tuohy should be played by the blond chick, Kristen Bell, from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. For some reason she screams Ole Miss sorority girl to me. I wrote about that in the mailbag here. But send in your own nominations.
This is awful beyond words. You'll recall that while the wearer of a beard carries the default GID moniker after his name, hence BGID, all men with goatees are by default GNGID (goatee not getting it done). Clearly the hot tramp in this video is only with this guy because she's being paid to pretend to be with him.
I've been anti-goatee for years now, but it's not just me. Go out to a bar and find a guy who is under 35 with a goatee. They don't exist anymore. Period. Beards? My god, the beard revolution is out of control. The other night I was out at a bar and there were eight men with beards on an outdoor porch. Lord's Truth, I expected an orgy to break out. Women kept clawing at their tops like they wanted to take them off. The rugged masculinity quotient was at an all-time high.
But I'm sure that doesn't interest the guy above. He has to go perfectly trim his goatee.
Tip of the beaver pelt to reader Tony S. for the link. His comments:
"Are you f#&king kidding me?! I thought this was a joke at first, but I did further research and it's real. Too real for me. BGID, Tony S.
Albert Haynesworth to the Redskins for a $100 Million?
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
I want to know, just once, who does salary cap accounting for the Washington Redskins. According to some guy from Texas. That ProFootballTalk took the time to link. Anyway, quoth the guy from Texas:
This time around he tells me that the Washington Redskins will break the bank to sign Albert Haynesworth. The Titans could come over the top of the Redskins deal as well, but my guess is that the Redskins will let Haynesworth get the best offer possible from the Titans and then "better deal" it. My source tells me to look for a contract that could break $100 million with an average of $15 million to $16 million per. My guy is almost never wrong and Dan Snyder gets what he wants. As a Texan fan, I would really be devastated to see Haynesworth leave the division ... only, no I wouldn't. Beat it, Haynesworth.
That kind of cash would be several million more than what the Titans have approached. If this comes to pass, the Redskins are really lucky that Haynesworth has never shown any signs whatsoever of being a whiny, malcontent who can't stay healthy, and only plays hard when big money is on the line.*
The Titans losing Haynesworth would be epic, but I trust their ability to correctly value players. At least since the disastrous salary cap purge of 2004, the Titans have really done a good job balancing costs. But aside from crossing their fingers and drafting a defensive tackle, don't the Titans have to spend some money on offense if they lose Haynesworth? You can't rely on winning games with 20 points anymore if he's gone. In case you're wondering losing Haynesworth would be the final slap in the face for the playoff collapse against the Ravens.
(*For those who aren't aware Haynesworth leads the league in number of times he's been helped off the field for an injury that isn't really an injury.)
Actress Sandra Bullock spent part of Monday at Briarcrest Christian School’s high school campus on Houston Levee Road, researching her role in the upcoming movie “The Blind Side.”
Bullock is reportedly playing Leigh Anne Tuohy in the movie, based on Michael Lewis’ book that prominently featured former Briarcrest student Michael Oher.
Interesting, I'd always hoped for someone much milfier. Like,say, oh hell, I can't think of anyone better than Bullock either. I'm still holding out hope that my suggestion to Mike Oher that Denzel in a fat-suit play him will come to fruition.
On Rocky Top: A Fan's Front-Row Seat To the End of An Era Release Date August 18, 2009
As promised the hardback list price is now $17.15 on Amazon. I know the release date is listed there as August 25, but I've been told we're actually releasing on August 18.
Remember Tennessee Cornerback Dwayne Goodrich? Great Article
I'm in the process of editing On Rocky Top now. One of the more interesting parts of the editing process is fact-checking my memory when it comes to scores of games, memorable plays, and the like. As part of that, I just finished writing about the 1998 National Championship game between Florida State and Tennessee. In particular, I focused on the Dwayne Goodrich interception return for a touchdown. Many of you may know that after three years with the Cowboys Goodrich killed two men in a car accident. Now he's in prison. Here's a really sobering look at Goodrich's new reality. The article ran in Dallas back in late December, but I haven't heard or seen anything about it on the internets.
For six long years, Dwayne Goodrich has been haunted—and mostly handcuffed—by six short seconds.
The driver in one of the most disturbing hit-and-run accidents in Dallas history, the former Dallas Cowboys' cornerback has spent the last 39 months incarcerated for killing two Good Samaritans and injuring another on Interstate 35 early on January 14, 2003. After a night on the town that included topless bars and alcohol—but by his account, not intoxication—Goodrich swerved his BMW through a turbulent crash scene, struck three pedestrians who were attempting to free an unconscious man from a fiery car, and sped away without slowing down.
And, amazingly, there's even a bit of humor in an otherwise pretty sobering article:
Trustees have access to a commons area complete with daily newspapers and cable TV. Goodrich, a Chicago native, remains a Bears' fan, but says one of the four TVs is always reserved for the Cowboys.
"The feeling in here is that there's too many distractions for the Cowboys to go to the Super Bowl," he says. "Pacman and T.O. and Romo's injury and Wade Phillips looking over his shoulder at Jason Garrett. It can't work that way."
The organization of the story isn't perfect--why spring on the football career at the very end before we get to know Goodrich?--but it's still pretty fascinating.
After emailing to request another interview, Kige Heisman'd my suggestion that he sit in front of the camera and hold up an Abraham Lincoln photo in front of his face whenever I spoke. Instead, he put my book on camera and nothing else. "If you can't be on the screen, I'm not going to be on the screen either," he said.
The result is Kigetastic.
(Kige points out via email that the lower you set your sound on youtube, the less phone interference there is. Although the phone interference may make my responses to the questions sound better. Be forewarned.)
Also, it's not discussed, but I hope you like my selection of the Honky Tonk Man as my new introduction music. It adds just the right measure of class to the situation.
It takes a real man to have his heterosexuality questioned by an Indian immigrant who owns three gas stations in Alabama.*
Great RPI Mystery: Great Wall of Vagina Remains 25
Does anyone else feel like the Great Wall of Vagina has/have (question is Great Wall of Vagina singular or plural? I'm going singular until someone persuades me why that's wrong) entered into an abusive relationship with the RPI? No matter what the Great Wall does, the RPI welcomes us back into her fold with open arms. After a week in which Tennessee lost double digit games to Ole Miss and Kentucky, the GWOV plummeted...from 19 to 25. This means Tennessee is still the highest RPI team in the SEC by 11 places. Here's the roster. It's pretty clear now that all the GWOV have to manage is home wins over Mississippi State and Alabama and we're into the tourney. Either that or we're heading for one of those ridiculous RPI test case hypotheticals--namely, has the highest RPI team in a big 6 conference ever missed the NCAA Tourney? I think the answer is no.
Lesson: Even if you get beat a ton of times if you play a hard enough schedule (the GWOV has played the second toughest in the country), your RPI isn't tanking and you advance to the tourney if you can win one or two big out of conference games.
Even if your coach finally says what people who have watched this team all season have been saying for months--they play like a great wall of vagina.
"I would like to congratulate Kentucky on a great effort. They had tremendous execution and completely dominated us and our players. As a head coach, I have never been so embarrassed by how I coached, or how my team played. I apologize to our fans and the University of Tennessee. We didn't play with poise, passion, or with a purpose, and I thought that there were times where we quit. I have never had this issue. I have been a head coach for a lot of years and my team has finished first or second in every conference that we have played in. Those teams have played hard and unselfishly, this team doesn't do either."
It's worth noting that's Pearl's opening statement. Not a flippant response to a question.
At least Wayne Chism/Brody Jenner knows what the problem is: "We have to focus. All I have to say is that it was like our last game when we had a lack of focus. We have to go back to the table and begin to focus on what we need to be doing."
All That and a Bag of Mail: Friday Night Lights vs. Varsity Blues, my DVR, and Charles Darwin
Friday, February 20, 2009
Joshua W. writes:
After reading your mailbag I am curious, what all do you DVR?
Lots of shows. I don't watch television unless it's something I've DVR'ed. Other than the Super Bowl this year I haven't seen a television commercial in two years. Here goes (in no particular order).
1. Lost
2. Big Love
3. Friday Night Lights
4. 30 Rock
5. The Office
6. Man vs. Wild
7. Chelsea Lately
8. PTI
9. Real World (Although the way MTV sets up their telecasts so that every episode is considered "new" for the entire season is awful. Plus, what's up with not a single attractive girl on this year's episode. I've just watched pieces of this season. Like the trip to Gettysburg.)
10. The Hills
11. Every sporting event I watch. I start about a half-hour late. This way if Fox flips out or there's an emergency I can get back to the television and not feel like I missed anything. If I'm going to be really late in watching the result, I just turn off my Blackberry to avoid getting an email, phone call or text message about the game in progress. If I do happen to answer the phone during an event, before anyone else can say anything, I blurt out, "I'm watching the game on tape delay, don't say anything about it." (I say tape delay because some people still don't know what a DVR is)
This was an awkward way to begin a conversation when we got a call about my wife's grandmother dying at 98.
We have two DVRs but occasionally we end up trying to record too much at the same time. No matter what the reason is I always blame my wife's shows. Shows she DVRs that we don't both watch:
1. The Real Housewives 2. Medium (I'm convinced that no man has ever watched this show.) 3. Top Chef
So there you go. My entire DVR. (Confession: For a long time I kept the French movie Swimming Pool stored, until my wife decided it had been on there long enough.)
Ingram W. writes:
C'lay-
Like you, I enjoy an unhealthy appreciation for "Varsity Blues". I'm relatively new to the site, so I don't know if you watch "Friday Night Lights" on NBC. It might be the greatest sports-themed TV series of all time. I think it's high time someone compiled a fictional (as opposed to non-fictional? I'm an idiot) matchup of the West Canaan Coyotes and the Dillon Panthers.
You've got similar storylines:
1)All-State QBs Lance Harbor and Jason Street, both lost for the season to injury (Harbor-knee, Street-paralysis), leaving unrespected backups (Jon Moxen, Matt Saracen) to run the offenses. 2) Star tailbacks Brian Williams (aka "Smash") and Wendall Brown (aka "Kilmer's black workhorse"). 3) Offensive role-players who drink and bang a lot (Charley Tweeder, Tim Riggins). 4) Coaches Eric Taylor (young, well-liked, state title in first year) and Bud Kilmer (old, well-liked, 23 district championships and 2 (count 'em) state titles) 5) Hot girlfriends of star quarterbacks (Lila Garrity, Darcy Sears) and somewhat less-hot but still kinda hot girlfriends of backup QB's (Coach Taylor's daughter, and Lance's sister).
People are looking to you to decide who wins if they had played. If you haven't watched Friday Night Lights, pick up the first season on DVD, and you can thank me later for the three days of a complete lack of productivity/sleep.
I DON'T WANT YOUR LAFE.
Extraordinary email question.
I love Friday Night Lights. My wife really likes it too. My only beef with the whole show is the way the clock runs at the end of the games. They never spike the ball! Ever. Why not? Coach Taylor is a brilliant tactician. Wouldn't you expect at some point that he would learned the value of a ball-spike? Or how about the other week when he went naked bootleg with Saracen as the clock was running down? Anyway, other than the late-game clock management and play-calling, I love this show.
My favorite part all season? When the smoothie truck pulled up and all the dialogue that followed when Coach Taylor shot down the free smoothies. Just awesome. I'd love to write for this show. That and 30 Rock or The Office would be my top three television writing choices.
Great question though on who would win. Especially now that they're both running a version of the spread (Mox didn't run the ball very much but they went five-wide for an awful lot of that game.) Clearly Mox has the superior arm to Saracen. But now that the freshman, J.T., is in you have to call that roughly even. I'd give the edge to Mox in age.
Smash is gone now. With Riggins at tailback the Panthers would lose some real explosiveness. (Or are you saying last year's team? God, I suck for asking questions about hypothetical fictive team match-ups.) So Wendall Brown has the advantage here. But then you have to throw in the Riggins as bad-ass factor. The other day while we were watching the show my wife turned to me and said, "You wish you were Tim Riggins, don't you?"
And the answer was yes.
Anyway, back to the question, and here's where I see the big difference, Coach Taylor smokes Bud Kilmer. I think coaching decides it. Taylor's players like him and he seems capable of designing a new gameplan for each game. Plus, he turned Landry into a football star. Pulling that off is the coaching equivalent of turning water into wine.
(By the way, am I the only person who can't stop thinking about Lila Garrity in the whip-cream bikini? Or who considers the whip-cream bikini scene to be one of the top five hottest movie scenes of all time? A few more:the Wild Things pool scene with Neve Campbell and Denise Richards, the pool masturbation scene in the French movie Swimming Pool (a different scene where Ludivine Sangnier kills a man while completely naked is still one of the most uncomfortable scenes of my movie life), and the entire Jaime Pressly Poison Ivy movie).
Here's Ludivine Sangier in case you've missed her.
Alex P. writes:
Clay, I appreciate your awarding the Beaver Pelt Trader of the Week to Abraham Lincoln, but I would argue that he and Charles Darwin should be co-Beaver Pelt Traders of the Week. They were both born on the exact same day and clearly Darwin is easily as BGID as Lincoln. Not only does Darwin have the best beard in the history of science, but he had some serious balls to propose the theory of evolution by natural selection, has incited Kiffin-esque controversy for centuries, and revolutionized modern biology. If this man isn't BGID I don't know who is.
PS - Here's a good pic to run in the mailbag:
We'll make Darwin the beaver pelt trader of the week this week. Sort of a retroactive honoring. By the way, how insane is that that Darwin and Lincoln were born on the same day? Talk about eerie. And I love Kiffin as Darwin. What are the odds Coach O. has never heard of Darwin?
Better--How shocked would you be if you went into Coach O's office and he had an oil painting of the HMS Beagle up behind his desk?
What are the odds Hugo just read Dixieland Delight and is making a play for more Georgia coeds to bring their canzzz to Venezuela for spring break?
Supposedly this is also the logo for some Venezuelan sports team. But I refuse to believe that. At least now we know what Coach O. said to upset Marlon Brown's grandmother, "I hate Che and Hugo. Commmie bastards." Yep, remember where you heard it, Marlon Brown's grandmother hates America and loves petro-dictators.
Am I the only person excited for the Robert Mugabe gator chomp photos?
Sign your team sucks: your point guard is "better" at rapping about assists than he is actually distributing them on the court.
The most difficult situation for any fan is when you realize that you care more about the outcome of an game than the average player on the team you root for does. In my fan experience this is pretty rare. But when you see it, you know it. And such is the case with this year's Tennessee team. If you're reading this right now and you're a fan of Tennessee, chances are you're more upset by the loss to Ole Miss last night than the average member of the team is.
I hate to say it, but it's true.
Before the Florida game last fall, on a night of pure drunken debauchery, I ended up at BAR Knoxville. I know, I know. Anyway, what do I see but the entire UT men's basketball team holding court alongside the bar. Even in my extreme state of drunkenness I remember pulling aside my friend Tardio and saying, "Are you telling me that I'm entrusting how I feel in the month of March to these guys?"
Tardio: "It really is pretty ridiculous, isn't it?"
Now it's even more so.
Thank God the Wednesday night games are broken up for me by Lost. I watch the first half on DVR. Go to Lost and watch the entire episode, and then come back for the second half. The only thing that kept me from breaking something during that game last night was the fact that I could zoom through the second half without being forced to endure the Raycom commentary and prolonged stretches of Great Wall of Vagina defense.
Several lowlights:
1. J.P. Prince fouling out of the game on a technical foul. Have you ever seen this before? Ever?
2. The double-missed free throws by Ole Miss that was rebounded by the free-throw shooter and dunked. Seriously, has this ever happened before either? Outside of the NBA All-Star Game?
3. The fact that Renaldo Woolridge is 6'8 and only shoots threes. Worse, he's a catch and shoot guy. If the ball touches his hands, he's going to shoot. No matter where he is or what the situation is. He's like Reggie Miller if Reggie Miller had a shot 9% from the college three point line. Oh, and if Reggie Miller was also from one of the richest towns in America and called himself Swiper Boy.
Listen to this thing, I have more street cred than he does. And that's not even an exaggeration.
4. Bruce Pearl's second half look when he had his chin resting in his hand. He looked like a mad scientist who just realized he'd mistakenly created a black hole that would one day consume the earth. I picture him sitting down across from Bobby Maze and saying, "Just tell me this, Bobby, how is it possible that you're this bad?"
Okay, I'm off to Knoxville for the rest of the day. Until then stay away from sharp objects.
Great Wall of Vagina Went Down to Oxford: The Ghost of William Faulkner Opines
The unconquerable and loquacious team in orange, orange not because they chose orange but because it was them, an orange like the peel of a freshly ripened orb, fruit, pendulously hanging on the vine of a basketball horizon of incandescent sunlight, orange because their father wore orange and their father's father wore orange and because their fourteen illegitimate children, heretofore unacknowledged and unknown, inhabiting that tremulous and forsaken middle ground of father and not-father, son and not-son, bastards forever until they too can spawn their own bastards, came down to Oxford.
And when they came unto Oxford, they confronted the rapscallion glee of the Snopesian descent, that particular breed of mouse-faced men and women, dwelling high up in the verdant hills, where fall comes early and winter is colder, more frost-bitten than anywhere else in the somnolent and quiescent valley, that peculiar blend of women beautiful at 13 and ravaged by nature at 23, a beaten and tired lot, with stringy, oily hair fallen down over their eyes, a gape-mouth infant seeming always to be there mewing. And for a night, a misbegotten and malformed night that later innumerable individuals would confess, quietly, nervously, with a sort of radiant culpability, biting their lower lips and gazing up into the starry night sky, there was indeed something about the light in February, "I was there when we kicked the dog shit out of Tennessee."
This might be the greatest Kige video of all time. There are so many great things, beginning with lining up for the free-throw with the feet over the line.
By the way, I'm going to be Kige's guest on his show again Monday. Only this time I'm appearing via telephone. So you've got that to look forward to. In the meantime, work on the form.
How did it take until now for reader Robin F. to email me this link from December 5? You've all failed me. All of you. There was an internet picture of Dave Rowe as Miss Teen USA and I never knew about it? I feel like the last kid to know Santa wasn't real.
Evidently this is the stage manager's blog of the final telecast, the Georgia-Georgia Tech game. And I'll be honest, I'm going to be actually sad to see Raycom/LF/Raycom go. At least until ESPN announces the timeslots for the new games. And whether or not Pam Ward will be included. Please don't let Pam Ward be included.
Great Wall of Vagina at Ole Miss, South Carolina at Miss. State--SEC East Warfare Continues
Last night Kentucky lost for the fourth year in a row to Vandy at Memorial Gym. It was the typical game that Vandy often wins at home--closely officiated and with Vandy shooting a lot more free throws than their opponent. Having said that, Vandy was much more aggressive than Kentucky all night at going to the basket. Certainly at going to the basket under control (I'm looking at you DeAndre Liggins), Also, Michael Porter? Really? He had four turnovers (3 of which were open court rips by Jermaine Beal) in just 15 minutes. Credit to Vandy's defense, especially to Jeffery Taylor who was all over Meeks all night. I may be wrong, but I think Meeks got one truly wide-open look all night (late in the game on a three from the top of the key). Otherwise, this was the best I've seen Meeks defended. But what of tonight's games. Alabama at Florida (-14)-- Fresh off the loss that Gator basketball fans still can't fathom, Florida opens as a huge home court favorite over Alabama. Even with the inexplicable loss to Georgia, Florida still has four of their final six games at home. Granted two of those are Kentucky and Tennessee, but, still, Florida hasn't lost at home all season--they're 14-0. It's hard to see them doing worse than winning 3 of 4 at home. Now, on the road at LSU and Miss. State?
The Georgia loss has put Florida's ceiling at 11-5 in league play. Tennessee (-5) at Ole Miss--The Great Wall of Vagina gave up just 98 points combined against Vandy and Georgia last week. That was the fewest points Tennessee has given up in back-to-back SEC games in a decade. Those defensive performances look better given that Georgia hung 88 on Florida and Vandy looked pretty competent on offense against Kentucky.
Several have asked whether that makes them worthy of a battlefield promotion to The Charge of the Cameltoe Brigade. The answer, not yet. Win at Ole Miss and I'll give the promotion.
Because let's be honest, Ole Miss is a huge game. If the Vols can beat Ole Miss to run their record to 8-3, the Kentucky game becomes a gravy game. Win at Rupp and you're 9-3, have eliminated Kentucky from the SEC East race. Lose to Ole Miss and effectively the Kentucky-Tennessee game is an elimination game.
Wow.
As if that weren't enough, an Ole Miss win also sets the floor for Tennessee at no worse than 10-6 (home wins over Alabama and Miss. State will happen.) What's more, it sets up a situation where all you have to manage is to win one game among the three remaining road games @South Carolina, @Florida, @Kentucky, to get to 11-5 and probably guarantee yourself, at worst, a tie for the SEC East.
So tonight's game is huge for the Vols.
South Carolina at Miss. State (-3) - Another huge road game, this time for South Carolina. Win and you'll also win the next game and be sitting at 9-3 in conference when Kentucky comes to town. Lose and you're 8-4 with a closing stretch of Kentucky, Tennessee and Georgia at home and a road trip to Vandy.
9-7 suddenly starts to look like a very real possibility. Win tonight and, at worst, 10 wins is probably assured.
Somehow, I feel confident, Mark Gottfried is to blame.
My favorite part of the video, when the fat white guy in charge of security says that things were under control. Right. That's exactly what this looks like.
(Tip of the beaver pelt to reader Jacob J. for the link.)
By the way, this is probably no surprise but the Montgomery station's link doesn't seem to be working. So here's the old school link to their own video. It's worth a watch.
Is SEC football the 21st Century "New York" Media?
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
When we were kids, the New York media was a big deal when it came to sports. I knew this before I could even pick out New York on the map. You heard about it constantly, how certain players couldn't handle the media circus surrounding the teams, how certain managers weren't suited to big city pressures. The New York media was a cliche before I even know what the word cliche meant. Now, in the wake of Lane Kiffin's debut, I think it's time to ask whether SEC football has eclipsed every other league when it comes to media attention. Especially if you combine that with the fan interest in those media reports. It's time to acknowledge that the SEC is the New York sports media of the 21st century. Just as we all knew every moment of intrigue surrounding New York and their sports teams--even if they weren't that important--so too are we all going to know every detail about SEC football.
Lane Kiffin is 33. Love him or hate him, no one can argue that he hasn't been exposed to big-city media before. At USC he was the offensive coordinator for several years, in the NFL he was the head coach of the Oakland Raiders. 12.9 million people live in the Los Angeles metropolitan area. That's more people than live in the states of Tennessee, Kentucky, and Arkansas combined. Over twice as many as live in the LA market as dwell in the entire state of Tennessee. Yet in one week of coaching at Tennessee Lane Kiffin has gotten more negative publicity than Pete Carroll has gotten in several years at USC. Why? Because the level of interest and national media attention given to each statement, notwithstanding the relative size of the markets, is much more intense in the SEC.
The Raiders are one of 32 NFL teams. They play in Oakland, across the bay from San Francisco, in one of the most fertile regions on earth for media attention. Each week Lane had frequent media availabilities for NFL media from across the country. He played before one of the NFL's most legendary, albeit insane, fan bases in the country. Yet, no one in the country knew that Lane Kiffin's wife Layla was smoking hot. Not one person. That's just a minor example. Two days after his hire at Tennessee Iwoulddolaylakiffin.com was up and running. Prior to the crazy press conference when Al Davis announced he was firing Lane Kiffin, most people had never heard a single quote from Kiffin.
In less than two months at Tennessee, the entire country has heard from Kiffin. You can argue that this is because Kiffin has been saying incendiary things or attempting to garner headlines, but I think that misses the point. Were the comments really that extraordinary? Steve Spurrier made even more incendiary comments last decade. Nope, the SEC media, buoyed by their new multi-billion dollar national television partners at CBS and ESPN, has now become the most closely covered 12 team league in America. And with billions of dollars in television contracts spoken for, the intensity of that coverage is only going to grow.
It used to be that fan interest alone governed the amount of coverage that SEC football received. And that fan interest has often been insatiable. For instance, more fans attended regular season games at Tennessee, Florida, Auburn, Alabama, LSU, and Georgia football game in 2008 than attended any NFL team's games. That's one of many reasons I think there's a real argument to be made that more people care about college football in either Tennessee (population 6 million) and Alabama (population 4.6 million) than in the entire state of California (37 million). Put it this way, in 2005, when Lane Kiffin was offensive coordinator at USC, LenDale White, with Pete Carroll's encouragement, threw a dummy off a building near the practice field in a fake suicide attempt. Most of you never even heard about that. Those who did laughed it off. Can you imagine what would happen if Kiffin did this at Tennessee with Eric Berry, Saban at Alabama with Julio Jones, Meyer at Florida with Tim Tebow?
The market for SEC football is insatiable when it comes to every product. Much to the chagrin of some New York publishers. (When we pitched Dixieland one publisher responded, "But SEC fans don't read." She wasn't even joking.) Look at the 2007 college football books that sold the best, John Ed Bradley on LSU, Bruce Feldman on Ole Miss, and me on SEC football. All SEC books. But that's only serving a market that already exists.
What we're seeing now, and going to continue to see, is a market where not only must interest be sated, the size of the markets have to grow. With nationwide television contracts it isn't enough that every fan in the SEC wants to constantly consume SEC stories, nope, it's imperative that fans across the country be inundated with SEC stories and SEC conflicts. Why? So they're more likely to watch the televised games on ESPN and CBS. ESPN has a built-in conflict of interest, they have to make the games they carry as interesting as they possibly can for an audience of people that didn't grow up obsessed with SEC football.
It used to be a conference argument. No more. SEC football is the default national league.
Don't believe me? Look at it this way, come next season more people will be able to watch the SEC football teams play nationwide than are able to watch an out-of-market NFL team play. Think about it. Say you're a Miami Dolphins fan who lives in California, good luck turning on your television come Sunday and watching your favorite team play. Unless you subscribe to DirecTV (which the vast, vast majority fo the American television public doesn't), you're probably out of luck. Your only real option to watch your team is to pray that they're the national telecast in the 3:15 spot on Sunday afternoons, the national game on NBC in the evening, or the Monday Night Football game. Otherwise you're stuck watching your regional telecast. Not so with the SEC. Unless you're a Dallas Cowboys fan at best, best, you might get three or four games on your regular television all season long.
SEC football under the new television contract? You'll be able to watch every game if your team is one of the top six in the league. 7 or 8 on television even if your team is a bottom-feeder. It's the National Football League, but their telecasts are still regional. It's the Southeastern Conference but their telecasts are now national. You do the math. College football just went national. And we're all going to be hearing a ton more about SEC football.
Lane Kiffin just learned how intense this coverage is going to be last week. I suspect a lot of players and coaches are going to be learning this in the near future. It's a new era in SEC football, for better or worse we're the New York media of the 21st century, y'all.
Jeannine Edwards Gave Billy G. The Heisman: Round 3 Tonight?
We've discussed the Finchless wonder, Billy Clyde, quite a bit since he arrived in the Bluegrass. An awful lot of our attention this year came when Billy G. lectured Jeannine Edwards at halftime. Then they had this follow-up altercation soon thereafter.
What could bring forth all this passive-aggressive rage on the part of an alcoholic? How about being turned down on a date request? Yep, at least according to SportsByBrooks.
Per SBB:
A source recently told me that Gillispie made a past, amorous advance at Edwards which was subsequently denied by the ESPN reporter. I have no more details than that. But again, I have confirmed that Gillispie did make clear to Edwards that he was interested in spending some quality time with her away from the court. And she shut him down.
I'm sure that none of the most-intelligent SEC students at Vanderbilt will have any fun with this at all. Nope, they're way above that.*
Courtesy of reader Hunter R. comes this commentary: I thought you could promote some signage at the UK / Vandy game.
IF this is true - and from what I've heard of Billy Gillespie, I'm almost certain this IS true - I love that Bourbon Billy got shut down b/c of an existing relationship with a jockey. That's got to burn a little. A little like that first shot of Maker's at 6:30AM. Lexington mouthwash.
I'm sure he consoled himself by offering a scholarship to a 7 year-old. Then he reapplied his hair treatment, drew a comb through and took a long, slow sip from his lowball glass.
I wonder who the sideline reporter for tonight's game is...yep, Jeannine. This is going to be awesome.
*And "by way above that", it should be clear that what I actually mean is hopelessly and inextricably buried in.
In Honor of President's Day: The Abraham Lincoln and George Washington Raps
Monday, February 16, 2009
This is what happens when you give future history majors who are virgins a video camera, they make an Abraham Lincoln rap video. If youtube existed in 1996, there's a decent chance my rap from French I would have ended up on there. It was awesome.
Not to be outdone here's a George Washington video along with an email from Nick A. who says:
Clay -- A tribute to George Washington (in honor of the day). Despite his lack of beard, I think this tribute proves GW got it done.
Florida Spurns ClayNation Guaranteed Win; Loses in Athens To Terrance Woodbury
In case you missed it thanks to an alcohol-themed President's Day weekend crossbred with Valentine's Day, the Gators went up to Athens and found a way to lose to Georgia. I still have no idea how this happened. None.
I'll put it this way, on Saturday I woke up and the first thing I did was check the lines. My unhealthy appreciation with gambling lines even though I don't gamble has become an intriguing quirk. I always care what the market thinks. Always.
When I saw that Florida was only a ten-point favorite over Georgia, I called my friend Junaid and told him it's rare I'd be comfortable betting my house on a game, but this was one of them. "There's no way that Georgia covers that spread," I said.
Fortunately I'm not a gambler.
About halfway through Vandy-Tennessee, I saw that Georgia had jumped out to an early 10 point lead. By the time Tennessee finished putting away Vandy, we came to realize that for some reason (why in the world?) Georgia-Florida was on ABC in HD. Really, ABC selected this game? I have no idea how this happened. Not least because I don't remember the last time an SEC basketball game was on ABC.
Regardless, I sat in stunned silence as Georgia hung on to win. In the process putting up 88 points on the Gators. Now I'm in the unenviable position of announcing that my prediction that Florida was the favorite to win the SEC East is no longer valid. Still in the running because they have the easiest remaining schedule, yes? Favored? Nope. Especially not because that's Florida's third SEC East loss. Tennessee and Kentucky only have one East loss and they've both got wins over the Gators.
Is Terrance Woodbury the most enigmatic player in the SEC? The guy has no conscience. He takes the same no dribble, immediate pull-up shots, whether he's on fire or can't hit the broad side of a building. Whether it's a 4 on 1 fast-break or the shot clock is winding down and he has to heave the ball at the rim. Against Florida he was 7-10 from three and perfect from the free-throw line. He scored 32. His previous best game from three all season? 5-8 against Missouri. His average three-point percentage--31% on the season. Just to throw further salt in the wounds, in the first 9 SEC games of the season Woodbury had 13 made threes. And it took him 48 attempts to get there. Unbelievable.
How about some more Woodbury stats? His middle name? De'Sean. Of course. His nickname? "Woodshop." God, I wish I could make this stuff up. What are Woodshop's five favorite movies? Well, three of them, again, not making this up, are Friday the 13th I, II, and III. Check out the excellent Georgia bios here.
Is there a decent chance Woodshop went off on the Gators because he spent Friday night watching the newest Friday the 13th remake and was particularly relaxed? Probably so.
Anyway, I wasn't the only person shocked that my guaranteed win collapsed so quickly. Here are representative emails from both sides.
Michael L. writes:
Guaranteed win my ass.
(I needed this.)
- Michael, UGA, class of '02.
J.E. Brown writes:
C'lay,
I'm definitely blaming your 'run down' of the SEC East for our loss to UGA. Not sure if this will help me get over it better. Georgia definitely did the Madden thing where they played unspeakably well for a while (i.e., couldn't miss a shot), so you must have instilled these powers on them.
The Blind Side is a book-length work of pure genius. So are his shorter profile pieces like the one he did of Mike Leach three years ago. As of now, I'm convinced there's nothing Michael Lewis can't do. This profile of Shane Battier proves that he's a master of the non-fiction craft. Read it now. Just do it. Here's the single page view.
I'm not even going to bother excerpting it because there are so many extraordinarily good paragraphs, sentences, and anecdotes.
I get quite a few of you writing me wanting to know how to be a writer. As if there's ever one answer or I'd be able to give very cogent advice. Especially when it comes to sports. To be honest, I hardly read any good sportswriting growing up. But one piece of advice that never fails is read the best. And right now Michael Lewis is the single-best sportswriter (who doesn't always write about sports) on earth. I'm not even sure who the second best is.
I'd go this far, if you're a parent and you have a son or daughter who likes sports, but won't read anything, go ahead and buy everything Lewis has ever written on sports and pass them a copy when they turn 10 or 11. It will be over their head, but only in the best way something is over their head, in a way that will inspire them to think deeper, reach farther, and dream higher. That's what the best writing has always done. It's what Lewis does.
All That and a Bag of Mail: Abraham Lincoln Edition
Friday, February 13, 2009
This week's beaver pelt trader of the week is Abraham F'in Lincoln--in honor of his 200th birthday. Also to placate reader Adam Y. who sent this email:
How can you not give Lincoln the Beaver Pelt Trader of the Week award? It’s been 200 years since, arguably, our greatest President was born. Just because you’re a little biased that he kicked Southern ass from Vicksburg to Charleston, and Atlanta in between, does not mean that you should deny a great member of the bearded fraternity, and a great American a beaver pelt award.
And to add insult to injury, you gave it to a Russian. Are you a tsarist, or an American.
BGID.
I'm a tsarist. Clearly. Even though, technically speaking, Rasputin was BGID of the week. Not our beaver pelt trader of the week. There's a tremendous difference.
Speaking of which, the Gettysburg Address of sports books--which will feature no less than three Abraham Lincoln jokes--is now listed on the United States version of Amazon. Yep, On Rocky Top: A Fan's Front-Row Seat to the End of an Era is up for pre-order. The release date is listed as August 25th here, but I'm told it will actually be August 18th. The cover price is $25.99 but after the Amazon discout goes up it should be in the neighborhood of $17.50. So start planning your women and orphan defrauding schemes now.
Ashley K. writes:
Clay, First of all, just want to thank you for the daily laughs... secondly I am so annoyed with this ridiculous 'Blaze' character (head coach at Pahokee high school). He sounds like such a piece of shit high school football coach with a ego problem. Anyway, I was reading this article about this whole saga and noticed that the same fine place that brought us Nu'Keese is currently grooming De'Joshua Johnson to be their next big time D1 prospect. Really, De'Joshua, so much classier than Joshua don't you think.
Blaze, Nu'Keese, De'Joshua... this place is unbelievable.
Someone has to know where the name Nu'Keese came from. I don't know how the Knoxville News-Sentinel hasn't deployed a team of reporters that would rival the Watergate investigation to figure this out. Lacking that, Brent Hubbs of Volquest could text him and ask.
As for De'Joshua, I believe that's just a mistranslation of uneducated, poor, Southern dialect. What they meant to name him was The'Joshua. Which, I think you'll all agree, would have made perfect sense.
Sean M. writes:
Clay,
Last year my roommates and I started our own spring time tradition like no other. We come up with some of the most painstakingly awful events to attend, or fetes to 'accomplish' and hand them out based on how your bracket does. Let me first say that the winner gets absolutely nothing. Instead, he just doesn't have to perform any of the punishments. The first runner up gets first choice of what he wants to do, and from there it just progresses based on the final standings. Below is the list of punishments that we have come up with so far for this year.
- Go tanning 5 times in 2 weeks - Read two romance novels and write a 5 page compare and contrast - Attend 2 Boston Militia Games: - Spend a night at the bar drinking nothing but malternatives (Smirnoff Ice, Mike's Hard Lemonade) from a straw - Sit in an upright position and watch the entire Sound of Music without getting up - Spend 5 hours here: https://www.plimoth.org
We threw out the idea of wearing a pink Jacoby Ellsbury jersey to a game at Fenway because no one would participate. Also, there are a few things to consider. We chose the Boston Militia over a WNBA game for two reasons: 1) The Connecticut Sun play at the Mohegan Sun casino, and well you could actually have fun at a casino, and 2) although the WNBA is wretched, those girls have been playing basketball since they were kids. The girls on the Militia have been playing football for 1 year. They are significantly worse at football than the WNBA players are at basketball. Also, you may think Plimouth Plantation is fairly decent, but it is much more boring than the website makes it seem (especially since you take a field trip there just about every single year you are in elementary school). And if you thought you would at least enjoy Plymouth Rock, you should know that it's encased off so you can't even get that close to it, and that a guy of average athletic ability could leap over it with a running start. The rock is that amazing. And as far as tanning goes, well let's just say that if you walk around a city as cold as Boston looking tan in April, people are going to know why.
The final stipulation, is that if people ask you why you are going through with the punishments, you can't tell people that you lost a bet. One of us lost a bet last year and had to do the Smirnoff punishment, and his responses of 'I'm drinking these because they are delicious' make it better for everyone.
So I ask you Clay, how would you rank these? And of course, we are always open to suggestions of other punishments to incorporate.
I absolutely love these ideas. I think we should do our own NCAA bracket pool and require those who participate to agree to do things like this if they lose. Then send us pictures and write about the results. This is genius. Pure genius.
Now, in looking at your list, if I had to rank them, I think comparing and contrasting the romance novels is the most crippling/funny. I would leave to read these. Second, I'd say getting a tan. Third, drinking the malternatives from a straw. (Assuming the guy is single, if you're married, big deal.) Fourth, the Boston Militia games. As for Plimoth Rock I'd probably go to on my own, even if it is lame. You're talking to the guy who insisted that his friends accompany him on the entire Freedom Trail or Patriot Walk or whatever it's called where you walk around Boston to see all the historical sites. But I'd claim this was awful so it ended up an option. Then I'd Br'er Rabbit everyone if I lost and make Plimoth my briar patch.
I also just got a postcard in the mail five minutes ago from friends, huge Oregon football fans, who visited the Civil War battlefield of Palo Alto in Texas. Yeah, I'm a dork.
I know I'm sometimes lax when it comes to following through on detail work, but we really do to come up with some great punishments that we can incorporate into a ClayNation bracket challenge. We've got a month to make this happen. Send in your nominations for punishments. We'll get ten of them or so and then require everyone who signs up for our challenge to understand the stakes and agree to them. The punishment for not following through will be a fate worse than death...being publicly branded a Big Ten fan.
Brian D. writes:
Hey Clay,
Since you co-authored "MAN: THE BOOK", I am turning to you for some expert advice.
I am a huge football fan and it pains me greatly that DANCING WITH THE STARS has started their own testicle collection of former NFL great players....and most recently have collected the cojones of Lawrence Taylor.
Next to Al Wilson and Dale Jones, Taylor is my favorite all time linebacker. It saddens me that over the next few months, he will NOT be mentioned as being a great football player, but he will be Samba-ing across the stage somewhere.
It's just not fair dammit! I want to remember him as being the great pass rusher he is. Not strutting across the stage, Cha-Chaing his butt off!
Since you are the expert, tell me if I am wrong in my thinking. Does "Dancing With The Stars" rank right up there with such "manly" tasks as squatting to pee, getting together for a quilting circle and antique shopping?
It's worse than all those things. Much worse. I don't understand why the most fearsome athlete of his era, a man who truly changed the way the game of football is played, is willing to do this. What are the odds he dances on cocaine? High, my friends, very high.
Mark P. writes:
Hey Clay:
Greetings from Toronto, Ontario, Canada home of the International Bowl and part time home of the Buffalo Bills. As a college football fan I picked up your book Dixieland Delight while I was on Christmas Vacation. This has got to be one of the funniest books not only on college football but also with pop culture references (we've all taken the hit for buddies whose wives or girlfriends have found porn that their husbands/bf have looked at).
I don't remember the last time I picked up a book and laughed to the point of tears. The wrestling references: hilarious. Although Jim Duggan was the first man to win the Royal Rumble, in Hamilton, Ontario. As a high school teacher and football coach (CFL rules), your book and web site are making the rounds with the guys I coach with - all with rave reviews. As my buddy Jeff says" each generation has a writer. For some it's Rick Reilly, for us its Clay Travis." Anyways, two things I want to bring up:
1. Bama bangs are in Canada as they are slowly replacing the hockey mullet (see Jaromir Jagr circa 1991 with the Pittsburgh Penguins)
2. As a teacher and a coach and I have been trying to get the word "bi-curious" started amongst not only my males colleagues but also one individual who is severely bi-curious. Some of our players have picked up on it when were talking to them. But here is the real snag, A NEWSPAPER WRITER IN CANADA USED THE WORD! It has made it to the press in Canada. This story was also in the Toronto Star which is a bigger publication then the Waterloo Record. clink on the link and read the paragraph on Katy Perry. Anyways, keep up the good work, love reading your columns, and hey, how about would I be able to get a copy of your book "MAN". My buddies and I are having a hard time finding it, and based on the excerpts we've read its killing us not to find a copy. If not, that's cool. Take care keep up the good work, and here's the link. Cheers,
The bi-curious era hasn't taken off as well as it should have because my editors at CBS deemed it offensive. So I couldn't spend three column years branding everything bi-curious. But the potency of the insult is even more powerful today than it was two years ago when Dixieland was released. That's because the amount of bicurious male activities these days is off the charts.
For instance did anyone watch any episodes of Bromance? We've got an elliptical machine upstairs now (yeah, I know, I suck) and the only thing on my DVR that wasn't watched were recordings of Bromance. (This is the new height of bicurious behavior for me, I was watching Bromance while using an elliptical in my own house. All I needed was to be reading Us Weekly while wearing a Kangol hat and I would have been biggest tool on earth.) After about fifteen minutes, I'd seen more homoerotic activity on the show than takes place in Nashville's Downtown Y. It was cringeworthy. The episodea I watched featured a black guy getting the same tattoo as Brody Jenner/Wayne Chism and Jenner/Chism remonstrating a guy for saying one of his favorite things about girls was their asses. Really?
Anyway, I'm not surprised that bicurious has made it to Canada. It probably arrived in Canada via a steamship that recently departed from Liverpool. You'll recall that Man the Book was a bestseller in England. Evidently I'm huge over there. I'd like to think Canada will be next.
As for Reilly, he makes $3.4 million a year from ESPN. That's about $75k per 800 word column. I'm not sure there is more overpaid writer on earth. So...yeah, I would love to my generation's Reilly.
Finally, on the porn front, married guys get thrown under the bus all the time by their single friends. For things the single friends do that the married guys don't even know about. I've got a great story for this going up next week. Stay tuned.
Jeremy D. writes:
Hey, the fog machine and the fake press conference worked. UT ended up with a top 20 recruiting class because of the fog machine. What's lame to us 20/30 somethings is exciting and cool to high-school boys whose head is swimming with fame and self-aggrandizement. These secondary violations are immaterial. Eric Berry likes Lane Kiffin and his overconfident style, so I'm with him through thick and thin. I have more of a problem with what he said about the Pahokee school than about Urban Meyer. But even then, people got waaaaaaaaaaay too offended about that comment too. I think Kiffin never intended for his 'cheater' comment to be publicized, and got too comfortable in a room full of boosters. The dude is fiery, he just needs to educate himself on the rules a little.
Don't be the guy that bashes him, there are plenty of those people out there.
I'm not the guy who bashes Kiffin, I'm the guy who calls it like I see it. So far Kiffin has shown me he has no clue how important SEC football is or how closely the media follows SEC football. I get the feeling Pete Carroll and crew get away with more even though LA is a much bigger market, and Kiffin is still using USC as his template for what he can and can't do.
Remember when Carroll had LenDale White pretend to commit suicide as a prank? It barely registered on the national scale. Can you imagine if Kiffin tried to pull that? Say he got Eric Berry to pretend to jump off one of the towers at the outdoor practice facility?
Yeah, thought so.
I'm pretty confident that the media covers UT football much more aggressively than the media covered the Oakland Raiders or USC. Why? Because there's a lot more people who care. I'm going to have a full column on this next week.
Mike R. writes:
Hey, love your column, In a few years will we see Obama with 'Bama Bangs? By the way, my uncle gave me your book for Christmas. You signed it and you wrote, "If you go to an SEC school and can't get laid by a hot chick, you're waisting your life." I'm trying to persuade my mom to let me paint those sacred words on my bedroom wall. Will you sue me if I put those on T-Shirts and sell them?
Hopefully I spelled "wasting" correctly when I signed your book. I can assure you that the Clay Travis Copyright Police generally stay out of people's bedrooms. Especially men's. So you're safe. Just as safe with the t-shirts.
I put some pretty wacky signatures in people's books. I probably misspelled a few words. There's nothing more nerve-wracking than trying to be witty and funny while writing and carrying on a conversation with someone you don't know at a book-signing.
John Tesh is a man of many talents, creating NBA on NBC theme is one of them
The most amazing thing about this? He thought the NBA theme message to himself was so brilliant that he saved it. Seriously, saved it. Then he played it at a concert and everyone went wild. Anyway, enjoy the experience of being in 1988 all over again.
"Meet Alabama's new quarterback. Notice anything familiar?
That's right...fear the bangs."
I don't even know what this guy's name is, but I'm certain that he plays football for Alabama or Auburn. And assuming he can actually complete a pass, he probably plays for Alabama.
Lane Kiffin Was So Angry He Fir....Thought About Firing Someone
Sigh.
On the same day that ESPN belatedly picked up the Marlon Brown "controversy" and ran with it citing the Atlanta-Journal Constitution (as I predicted they would earlier this week.) reader Jason P. sends word that Kiffin has not, in fact, fired anyone. Despite what this week's Sports Illustrated says.
"He has not fired anybody," UT athletic director Mike Hamilton said Thursday afternoon. "If he said he has fired somebody, that's not true. I don't know if he said it from a standpoint of making a point that 'We've got to get this right.' But he didn't fire anybody.
"You can't just fire anybody at Tennessee, particularly when you're talking about non-contract employees. There's a process."
Does anyone else think Kiffin should just keep talking now until he gets to the point where he's like Howard Stern and he can say anything and no one bats an eye? From now on every time a Lane Kiffin story changes, I'm going to use the USC Lane Kiffin goatee picture. For obvious reasons. Anyway this story is about to become yet another ticker feature for ESPN.
Further explanation:
Tiffany Carpenter, UT's director of public relations, said Kiffin had a change of heart about the firing.
"The (Sports Illustrated) interview happened the day of the incident," Carpenter said. "At that time, (Kiffin) wanted to fire that individual but after further thought and discussions decided that was not in the best interest of Tennessee."
Tiffany Carpenter is great at what she does at Tennessee. I'm starting to think she deserves a huge raise based on how many times she's been quoted this week.
In a related story once I kicked Urban Meyer really hard in the balls. Meyer doubled over in pain, threw up, and lamented, "How am I going to keep making love to Tim Tebow?" Then I left.
(Retraction via my spokesperson: "Clay actually dreamed that he kicked Urban Meyer in the balls and Urban Meyer responded by intimating that he and Tim Tebow engaged in homosexual relations. He simply misspoke.")
Heath Shuler Comments on Stimulus; Gets Attacked For Interceptions
Growing up I was in love with Heath Shuler. As discussed in the new book (which will be officially released on August 18), I paid $14 for his autograph at Rivergate Mall. Then he collapsed as an NFL quarterback. About a year and a half ago, I actually visited Bryson City, North Carolina and couldn't stop talking about it being Heath Shuler's hometown. No one else cared. Here was that column from October of 2007.
1. Women are not that interested in Heath Shuler's greatest games or where he is from. We were staying in Bryson City, North Carolina the boyhood home of Congressman Shuler. Sometimes I get carried away when talking about Heath Shuler. You would too if you'd put up with the UT quarterbacks of my youth. Anyone remember Jeff Francis fondly? Yeah, thought not. I spent the entire drive to Bryson City telling my wife Heath Shuler stories. Then I told everyone we were staying with Heath Shuler stories while we went to Bryson City to get beer, hike, and eat, "We know Heath Shuler lived here. Big deal," my wife finally said. But of course this didn't faze me. She just didn't get it. I mean Heath Shuler was from Bryson City and now I was there. In the same town. Basically in the footsteps of history. Like retracing Lincoln's carriage ride in Gettysburg. How much more important can you get?
Now Shuler is in Congress. Of course he is. Congress is one of two places outside the NFL where former UT players can make a name for themselves (the other is prison). Last week Shuler had the temerity to suggest that the stimulus package should have been more bipartisan than it was. This drew criticism from the spokesperson for Senate Majority leader Harry Reid. The response? “Let me get this straight – this coming from a guy who threw more than twice as many interceptions than touchdowns?” Manley said in response.
Presumably Harry Reid had a three to one touchdown to interception ratio in the NFL. That's the only explanation for why Harry Reid's spokesperson went after Shuler's NFL career in his response.
Eventually Shuler put an end to the contretemps, "Those interceptions are proof that I am willing to work with both sides.”
Political gravitas like this is what has Shuler on the short list to run for the Senate in North Carolina. Seriously, the Senate. What's even more amazing? Shuler is still only 37. Meaning as a white southern Democrat he could end up a Presidential candidate before all is said and done.
President Shuler. It has a terrifying ring, don't you think?
(Tip of the beaver pelt to reader Ian P. for the link)
Now you know where your wives panties are. Rasputin has them. Or the ghost of Rasputin does. Basically, Rasputin ain't nothin' to f with. Yep, he was singlehandedly the Wu Tang Clan of early 20th Century Russian priests. Read about him here. Impress your friends later at the bar by saying, "What is that a honey wheat ale? Who are you Rasputin's mistress?
Is BGID of the week a new feature? That depends on Hank. I can't photoshop at all.
The Great Wall of Vagina beat one of the worst college basketball teams of the modern era last night. Seriously, Georgia fans, how did this happen? It was uncomfortable to watch. In fact, in favor of Lost, I actually skipped through the second half because there was so little suspense. How bad was it? Tennessee finished the game with five white guys playing on the court together. I didn't even know there were five white guys on the team.
The end result is that four teams are now locked at 6-3 in the SEC East. Let's take a look at what's left to get a handle on the likely outcome. As a preliminary, I've been pretty conservative in the likely wins category. Basically, any time I think the spread would be within 5 points either way, I've put that in the toss-up category.
So Florida's likely to finish somewhere between 10-6 and 12-4. If they finish 12-4, they'll win the east outright because I don't think anyone else can get to 12 wins. I'd rank their remaining schedule the easiest. Surely, Bruce Pearl can't go to Gainesville and run his record to 7-1 against Donovan, right?
You keep waiting for South Carolina to stumble and for whatever reason they just won't. They have a big advantage in that they've already gone on the road at Tennessee (L), at Florida (L), and at Kentucky (W) (they're the only team to have done so thus far). This is the team that I feel least certain about. You can make valid arguments that anywhere from 9-7 to 12-4 is the most likely. I'd rank their schedule the second-easiest.
Tennessee 6-3Here's the schedule. Guaranteed wins (none) Likely wins (Vandy, Alabama, Miss. State) Toss-ups (@ Ole Miss, @ Kentucky, @ Florida, @ South Carolina).
Tennessee's the only team left that still hasn't played the three best teams in the east on the road. But this is balanced out somewhat by a relatively easy home slate and a winnable game at Ole Miss. Nine wins is pretty much assured (which given the RPI and the overall #2 strength of schedule would probably lock down an NCAA bid), but getting more than 11 looks pretty tough.
Likely finish 9-7 on the low end to a high end of 11-5.
Kentucky's remaining schedule is brutal--the most difficult of the four remaining SEC East teams. That's why Jodie Meeks turned into Superman just in time on Tuesday night. Anyone who feels comfortable predicting those five toss-up games, have at it. Even that game at Arkansas is probably closer to a toss-up than a likely win.
Again, you can make strong arguments on a finish anywhere from 8-8 to 11-5.
How do I think it will shake out?
1. Florida (11-5) Final seven games 5-2 2. Tennessee (10-6) Final seven games 4-3 3. South Carolina (10-6) Final seven games 4-3 4. Kentucky (9-7) Final seven games 3-4
The real story here, by the way, is LSU. They won a double-overtime game last night at Miss. State to run their record to 8-1. Barring a complete and total collapse in their final 7 games, they've probably won the SEC outright. Wow.
Lane convinced Layla to marry him after only three months.
Also included is a pimp slap to those who have criticized Kiffin's pay for assistants. The article reiterates what I've been saying for some time, Lane took less money so he could pay his assistants more. Oh, and LSU put 900k on the table for Orgeron. But clearly the UT staff is overpaid.
But the best quote from the article is here:
Lane flew back to Tennessee less than 48 hours after his son was born. He'd arranged to have someone fetch him at the airport, but the driver was 25 minutes late. "I came back and within five minutes I'd fired the guy who was in charge of the guy who'd been sent to pick me up," says Kiffin. "Here's the point: We need to win. That's 25 minutes that Nick Saban and Urban Meyer had that I lost because somebody was late picking me up at the airport."
Kiffin has shown no more sympathy for the rest of the support staff he inherited from Fulmer. "You can't count the number of people we've run off because they couldn't keep up, and I'm including secretaries," he says. "They had to go because they weren't going to make it, and they knew it."
From Pearl: "My goal when I came here was to be the least popular coach in the SEC," Pearl said. "It took me one year. It took Lane Kiffin one week."
Of course Lane took the stage and did not disappoint:
Kiffin opened his talk very clearly.
"Today we'll make sure we don't offend anyone in the conference, any other school," Kiffin said with a smile.
Later, Kiffin addressed the controversial remarks he made last week at a recruiting breakfast, during which he accused Florida coach Urban Meyer of a secondary recruiting violation.
"There is nobody outside the Tennessee family that will ever help us win a football game," Kiffin said. "We really don't care if we offend some people on the way to getting there. The bottom line is that our guys are motivated.
"We've said some things that ruffled some feathers. But you know what? We're doing that and I'm saying things publicly because [the UT players] have to perform."
"We'll make sure we know how sensitive people are around here from now on," Kiffin said later.
Earlier today I asked what happened with the fog machine violation. Now we have our answer. Yep, we're slanging the news as always. From a reader inside the Vol athletics office:
Okay --
Just got the actual story from actual people involved in the fog machine incident. It had not a thing in the world to do with Coach O (alas). During visits, they usually turn on the jumbotron and show highlight films to recruits as they stand on the field, etc.
The Jumbotron and PA system is currently very much out of order due to stadium construction, and so for that weekend's visit, they set up a big projector in the locker room to show the highlights. They also hired a sound guy who works with athletics a bunch to do the setup for sound both in the locker room, and also to do audio out on the field.
The recruiting guys were trying to figure out some way to make it seem cooler as they walked out onto the field, since the Jumbotron and the PA weren't working. So, the sound guy just threw out the idea of filling the hallway that goes from the locker room to the tunnel with fog, and then they would emerge out from the fog onto the lit field, and the audio would be going.
Anyway -- there you go. Not particularly, but directly from the horse's mouth. And definitely keep my name out of it on this one, even first name.
Wow, that Lane Kiffin, so diabolical. I think this puts an end to the great fog machine mystery. Now Frank and Joe Hardy can go back to the Tower Treasure mystery.
Lane Kiffin Pile-On Continues, Marlon Brown's Poor Grandma
Sometime later today ESPN will pick up this story. Even though it's a week old. Solid reporting by the Atlanta-Journal Constitution (does the entire South have one decent newspaper? I mean a newspaper that you'd want to read even if you weren't from the city?) I'd like to think there's a Southern newspaper of record, and the Atlanta Journal-Constitution is probably it, but I've never been very impressed by their writers or their product. Of course, to be fair, my hometown newspaper is the Nashville Tennessean. And it's awful beyond words. I mean atrocious. When I was 8 my Baptist daycare put together a daily newspaper called Kids Illustrated. The writing quality was the rough equivalent of the Tennessean.
Anyway, the AJC is all over the Marlon Brown controversy. And by all over, I mean writing about it a week later. Here's the link.
Why is this newsworthy now? Because the past week has defined Lane Kiffin in the public arena. He's a maniacally crazy, wild man, who is destined to fail and bring ruination to his university. At least that's what you think if you read Paul Finebaum, Gregg Doyel or others of their ilk. (Thanks for the links to the columns.) These are guys who make a living by establishing outlandish opinions and then defending them until the last dying moment of their column lives. And for whatever reason they've chosen Lane Kiffin as their SEC target of choice.
I've never been a reader of columnists like this because, having written a column for three years, choosing a side and then defending it for years is one of the easiest tricks in writing. It requires no real thought, no real creativity, and no real talent. Making up your mind and refusing to change it is easy. It's like trying to feed my son Fox green beans. He hates them, won't eat them no matter how we cook them for him. His mind is made up that they're awful. Good for him. He's one year old and won't change his mind. My point is having an unwavering opinion doesn't make you intelligent or edgy, it just makes you infantile.
Nevertheless, we live in an age when being "edgy" is misconstrued to mean you have to be stupid. Look at another Kiffin basher like like Gregg Doyel at CBS, his entire no-talent persona is built around a misguided sense of what being edgy actually means. If everyone hates you it doesn't mean you're a truth teller, it just means you're an asshole.
Guys like this have conspired to create a paper-thin caricature of Kiffin. Now lower tier reporters with even less talent and writing ability (if you can believe it), pile on to the stereotype because they aren't even original enough to create an infantile opinion of their own. They're just infantile opinion followers, the lemmings of writing.
My point is that that all this negative attention means that everything Lane Kiffin does that remotely feeds the stereotype that's been created for him becomes newsworthy. Even if it's old news. Cue the AJC.
Kiffin was asked why he thought Brown signed with Georgia.
“Marlon called [the night before signing day] and said that he loved it here, but his grandmother wouldn't let him come,” Kiffin told the Knoxville News. “I don't know what you do about that …”
This statement is pretty innocuous, right? Honest, straightforward, honest in a way that college coaches aren't usually honest. To me that's an asset. To the mainstream media it's become yet another belated sign that Kiffin is off his rocker. He's attacking Marlon Brown's grandmother! Oh my God!
Even if, you know, that isn't the case at all.
Michael Kinsley had a great editorial about why most local newspapers don't deserve to survive in yesterday's New York Times. One reason I haven't really participated in the hand-wringing over the death of newspapers is because most newspapers are awful. The people who are complaining don't have to make do with papers like the Nashville Tennessean.
And the harsh truth is that the typical American newspaper is an anachronism. It is an artifact from a time when chopping down trees was essential to telling the news, and when you couldn’t get The New York Times or The Washington Post closer to your bed than the front door, where the local paper lies, sopping wet.
The Times, The Post and a few others probably will survive. When the recession ends, advertising will come back, with fewer places to go. There will be a couple of surprises — local papers that execute their transfer to the Web so brilliantly that they will earn a national readership (like the old Manchester Guardian in England). Or some Web site might mutate into a real Web newspaper.
With even half a dozen papers, the American newspaper industry will be more competitive than it was when there were hundreds. Competition will keep the Baghdad bureaus open and the investigative units stoked with dudgeon. Competition is growing as well among Web sites that think there is money to be made performing the local paper’s local functions. One or two of these will turn out to be right. And then, who will pay even a nickel for the hometown rag?
Until the death spiral is complete expect more delayed stories like these from local newspapers. Lane Kiffin is operating under a different standard than any other coach in America. He's bona fide crazy. This caricature of Kiffin has already become so ludicrous that, paradoxically, it's making me like him more than I did a week ago.
Somewhat coincidental that this story should break today. I was driving to Evidence class this morning in Baton Rouge, listening to a local sports radio host. He was talking about Orgeron, and how much he liked the guy. He said Orgeron had told him several stories over the years, but he particularly liked one.
Back when O was at Miami, they started the running out of the tunnel through the smoke machine. Well, Miami played Nebraska that year in the Orange Bowl for the National Championship. Nebraska, for some reason, was technically the home team. Accordingly, they could pick their uniforms, and set the standards and procedures for the game (not sure of the exact rule). Nebraska decided they wanted to ban Miami from running out through smoke.
What does Miami do?
Orgeron (and others) decide they need to rent limos, pick up all the players and give them fire extinguishers to blow out the windows and sun roofs on the way to the game. Can you imaine a caravan of limos full of early 90s Miami football players blowing fire extinguishers down the streets of Miami? Naturally, Coach O said his players, whose reputation for brash and unharnessed playing lives today, ate it up. As we know, Miami beat the hell out of Nebraska. I'm certain Orgeron has had an affinity towards the smoke machine since.
Someone out there knows more about the mock press conference and the fog machine. Did Coach O. buy it himself at Wal-Mart? Does he have an affinity for a particular brand of fog machine? Don't be shy. Email me.
I'll protect your good name. Scout's honor.
Please, we need to know more about this.
(By the way, the picture of Coach O at Rowan Oak never gets old. I can't stop picturing him reading the Benjy section in The Sound and the Fury, throwing down the book, and exclaiming, "Yaw, yaw that boys plumb retarded!")
This article on beards started arriving yesterday morning and kept up through the evening. (By the way, it's always better to send an email than not send an email if it's a good link. Don't worry about how many other people have sent it. A few times lately, people have said that I've probably got something 15 times.) Many of you wrote in asking why I wasn't getting credit. Here's a representative sample:
Brian T. writes:
Clay,
Thought I might contribute to what must surely be the new Guinness Book record for most instances of the same news story being emailed to one person in the history of the internet. Here you go…
Ronnie L. writes:
Well done my friend. You didn't get credit in the article for starting the trend, but we all know the truth.
Jimmy B. writes:
"These days, the hirsute pursuit has evolved into a full-blown, full-grown trend. According to the marketing research company The NPD Group, sales of electric shavers and men’s facial trimmers have dipped 12 percent just in the last year while beard-related activities are, well, bristling."
Nicely done Mr. Travis
Lauren O. writes:
"BGID! You are a bearded god. How did they not quote you?"
After seven years in the bearded wilderness, I feel like Moses looking across to the promised land. I'm not sure I'll get there, but I can see our beard-bedecked future. And it's glorious, glorious. At first BGID was just a dream, now it's a fulfilled dream. Although, to be fair, why does the entire second page of this article focus on how it feels to make out with guys who have recently started growing beards?
Best paragraph that epitomizes BGID: “For some it’s a trend, but for others it’s a way of life and simply self-expression,” he says. “At the heart of the revival, I think, is the ‘reclaiming of masculinity.’ Beards are a direct backlash against metrosexuality and the feminization of modern man."
Also, you can tell who the hot chicks are in this article based entirely on their responses to these questions. Not only are they hot, they're actually funny. We might have to explore the corollary that not only does being BGID make you get a hotter woman than you otherwise would, but it also makes you get a cooler woman than you otherwise would. For instance, Amanda Denton...hot.
Amanda Denton, a 24-year-old public relations account executive from Raleigh, N.C., says she was skeptical when her fiancé announced he was going to grow a beard two years ago.
“I thought it would feel weird on my face, that it would feel rough, but it’s actually very soft,” she says. “And I find the masculinity of a beard very attractive. I’m in full support of the beard movement. Although mustaches not so much — they’re kind of sleazy, like a ‘70s cop show.”
Tara Moore? Ugly.
“My husband didn’t have a beard early on, but started growing one during the winter in the last five years,” says Tara Moore, a 36-year-old risk specialist from Dallas, Texas. “And I don’t like it. It makes me feel like I’m kissing fur, like a dog or something. I always pull away.”
Jamal Anderson, 'Bama Banger Arrested For Snorting Coke
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Yeah, yeah, by now you've heard about Jamal Anderson's arrest for snipping cocaine off a toilet. But did you see who was arrested alongside him? 'Bama Bangs took down the Dirty Bird. Meet Mark Daniel Hudson. Courtesy of reader Bill Y. I'd like to say we're surprised, but that would be a lie.
Neo-Nazis/White Power Backers Love Florida's Nick Calathes?
In honor of the big Florida-Kentucky tilt tonight (Cats are a four-point home favorite), we bring you a little Nick Calathes white people love. That or neo-Nazi love. You decide.
Jay M. writes:
A buddy of mine was researching Northwestern's recruiting class (yes, I know that's a whole other situation), but in the process of searching came across this site.
It's a white supremacist sports site. It looks normal, until you read closely and see that the article highlighting Nick Calathes (coincidence? I think not) is actually a screed against black people. Can't accuse it of lacking diversity, though: they also seem to dislike the influence of "Russian Jews" and "Brazillian rapists" on Premier league soccer.
Not entirely sure why I felt compelled to send this to you, other than that it's clear that Nick Calathes is really well-respected by Nazis.
The snubbed white players: Nick Calathes 18.1 points-per-game, 6.4 assists-per-game, 1.95 a/t, and 44 steals. Ben Woodside 22.9 points-per-game, 6.4 assists-per-game, 1.99 a/t, and 33 steals. Bryan Mullins 9.3 points-per-game, 5.6 assists-per-game, 3.26 a/t, and 45 steals.
It is quite obvious that these three white point guards belong in the conversation, even if they don't ultimately win the award. But apparently on-court production is not involved in the selection process.
That should make you wonder what the requirements actually are, because it seems having pale skin is an automatic disqualifier.
Yes, clearly, when I see college basketball I think, man, Bryan Mullins is completely being discriminated against.
I'm not actually sure this is a neo-nazi site so much as it is some sort of white pride site. Although, to be fair, this could also be a really well run mock-up site that's so deadpan it's impossible to tell that it's a fake site. (Really though, what's the point of this anymore? We're so good at faking a site, that you can't even tell it's fake! Why would this be remotely funny?)
Anyway, this is from the about us page. The below is a discussion of why there are no white tailbacks, wide receivers, or defensive backs:
Might there be other factors involved? For example, did you know that the 119 Division I-A major college football programs, with very, very few exceptions, simply refuse to recruit and develop white tailbacks and white receivers no matter how outstanding they are in high school? And that the media enforces this rigid segregation by using euphemisms and descriptions that demean white athletes?
Talented white athletes who want to play tailback, receiver or cornerback must go to a small college program or go the very difficult route of becoming a walk-on at one of the major programs. And since it is the Division I-A programs that supply almost all the players in the NFL, it is hardly surprising that the white running back and wide receiver has become almost extinct, as have whites playing defense in general.
The truth is that white football players, no matter how talented, are directed into a racial Caste System that limits them to being offensive linemen, kickers, quarterbacks (though more and more major college programs are recruiting blacks for that position), and the occasional defensive position, usually linebacker or defensive end.
Yes, that's it! Eureka! The most competitive colleges in the most competitive collegiate sport in America are systematically rejecting otherwise qualified white running backs and wide receivers. It's a conspiracy! In fact, that's exactly why Nick Calathes has covered his white face with white facial cream in the above picture. To escape detection and placmeent in the "racial Caste System." He's a modern day John Howard Griffin. Kind of. Okay, not at all.
Last week I defended Lane Kiffin to high heaven. I was on radio stations all over the South, I was quoted in the Huntsville, Alabama newspaper (yes, they have one), and I wrote several thousand words on the issue. Now I want to take them all back. Not the feeling from Thursday, but the idea that you could accuse someone of recruiting violations when you knew you'd already committed secondary recruiting violations yourself. That's flat-out inexcusable. It's not just dumb, it disgraces the insufficiency of the word dumb.Here's the article for the five of you who haven't already heard about this.
I gave Kiffin credit for knowing how his Thursday comments would play nationally. I'm retracting those now. He had to know, absolutely had to, about these secondary violations of his own. As such his comments about Urban Meyer were inexcusable. The last thing you want to do when you've done something wrong, the absolute last thing, is incorrectly accuse someone else of doing something wrong. All this does is reiterate the fact that you've misspoken and don't have a clue what the NCAA rulebook actually says.
At this point, I'll take the opportunity to offer my services as Lane Kiffin's spokesperson. I can talk trash within the rules. What's more I can actually learn the rules in a full day's study session. Give me this job, please. Trash-talker in chief. I'll make everyone proud. I promise.
The only reason this isn't a huge story right now is because Alex Rodriguez admitted to using steroids. Otherwise ESPN and crew would be bludgeoning Kiffin to death for these violations in the wake of his Meyer accusation. As is Kiffin may well have escaped thanks to A-Rod cheating. Unbelievable. Somewhere Auburn coach Gene Chizik is beaming. Remember him? Probably not, he's vanished for now.
And for what? A fake press conference and fake fog? It's not like we had strippers and alcohol. This is so lame. As reader Jay M. wrote, "We pay these guys over $5 million a year to come up with this?" Amen. To begin, Tennessee doesn't even let most of the players participate in press conferences after games. Even beyond that, who asked the questions? What were the questions? Did Coach O play all the reporter roles? Am I the only person who would kill for tape of this? Can I make it five questions in a row?
Don't even get me started on fog machines.
I've ridiculed fog machines/dry-ice at football games before. In print. My exact words from Dixieland Delight were, "The MSU team enters the field accompanied by the clanging of cowbells. Dry ice climbs into the sunshine around the sprinting team. Hasn't the dry-ice trend been going on for long enough? Is anyone really impressed by this anymore? What is dry ice even supposed to signify? I ask Shaw. "I think maybe they are just trying to recapture the timeless feeling of Wrestlemania II."
Now I'm starting to long for the timeless feeling of working like heck to get better. Can't football season just get here and let Kiffin get off to his 5-1 start to the season? (4-2 at worst. Book it by the way.)
The most ridiculous thing about baseball's steroids era is the media's insistence on raking a few players over the coals to atone for the sins of the entire sport. Every six months or so for the past five years a new player has become the media target. Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmeiro, Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, and Jose Canseco have all taken their turn on the steriod stage. The player is thrust into the public spotlight, media members fire off indignant columns about that person's failings and then, eventually, a new target emerges. Welcome to 21st Century justice, where a few pay the price for the crimes of the many.
What's the best analogy? The media have become traffic cops. Everyone speeds on the baseball interstate. Occasionally a traffic cop pulls someone over and enacts a penalty on the speeder. Reads them the riot act even as other cars are flying by above the speed limit. One person has been singled out of many for an arbitrary and futile penalty. It's the primary reason traffic cops occupy my least favorite position on earth. I could go on for thousands of words about how much I hate traffic cops or why I consider drug dealers to be more honest. But my point is this, the media response to the steroids era has been remarkably player-centric, they've played traffic cop to baseball's endemic problem. Even when something like the Mitchell Report has been released the media focus has been on which players are named. Rather than focus on the baseball forest--the very real and foundational issues associated with the steroids era--most media focus has been on the individual trees--the players. That's ludicrous, entirely arbitrary, and ultimately does nothing to bring an ounce of reality to the steroids era.
Selective media castigation makes no sense because I now believe that at some point in time everyone in baseball's steroids era has been guilty of something. Whether they used the drugs or not, every single player, coach, manager, and owner in major league baseball is complicit in helping to cover-up the steroids era. They have to be. Otherwise they were willfully blind which is actionable as well. Indeed, the only thing truly remarkable about this entire media frenzy is how rarely individual players have thrown other players under the media bus. It's even a bit ennobling. Generally when you're singled out for something that everyone else does the first thing you do is say everyone else did it. The next thing you do is say exactly who those others were. Other than Jose Canseco most players have remained silent. Meet baseball's very own blue code of silence. Keep quiet and hope no one else notices your own transgressions.
In A League of Their Own, Tom Hanks, playing a women’s baseball coach in the midst of World War II, memorably stated, “There’s no crying in baseball.” Now, at the dawn of 2006 we can definitively say this, there is lying in baseball. But why should this come as any surprise to our fan consciousness? The 21st century has already taught us, as if we’d ever forgotten, that there is lying in business and politics and marriage and school in war and in peace. So too with baseball...What these prior examples teach us, is that we are an eternally forgiving country, a place where the largest lie on earth ultimately can lead to the reelection of a President. We are all forgivers, we Americans of the 21st century, and maybe, ultimately, this is what saves us all from battles with our own personal failings. After all nothing says 21st century America better than forgiveness by forgetfulness.
This paragraph is even truer three years later. Only scarier. Because now as a society we've reached the point where we can't forgive our own mistakes through forgetfulness because they've overwhelmed us. We're fighting a two-front war, our bloated homes that most of us couldn't afford are being repossessed by bloated banks that have bloated balance sheets. In 2006, we could still pretend the lies we were all forgetting about would never come home to roost, now there are an awful lot less homes to come home to. What I'm getting at is this, we're all a part of the steroid era, baseball is just a small symptom of our cultural malaise. And individual players are merely speeders on a roadway where everyone is speeding. Pointing at them and holding them up for ridicule threatens to overshadow the darkness that characterized an entire era.
That's why Bud Selig only has one real option that can rescue baseball: announce that all records set during the steroid era are dead. Wipe them clean, excise them from the baseball record book in one fell swoop. It's the drastic measure that's needed to provide the requisite indictment to all of baseball. If everyone is guilty, and everyone in baseball most certainly is, then the time of focusing on individual players should cease. Make everyone pay. More importantly, make baseball pay for its collective failure.
Here me wax eloquent about the time the car I was riding in was shot twice by a Vietnam vet, why I think author Warren St. John is an attractive man, further expound on the creepy high school math teacher theory, and other luminescent Birmingham radio.
Four Way Tie at 6-3 in the SEC East? Thanks Auburn
Just as a promotion to The Charge of the Cameltoe Brigade loomed, the mighty Volunteer basketball team went down to Auburn and lost by a point to an awful team that had a collection of similarly awful fans. (One Tiger player storming the Auburn student section and celebrating with a crowd of 14 Bama Banged students might have been a new low for the program. Seriously, you jumped into the crowd and we could all see how little your student body cares about what you do. That gets cut off right before the clip above. Does anyone have this? If I were ever recruiting against Auburn, I'd show this clip. Go play for Jeff Lebo, if you win the biggest game of your season five guys will care.)
Three quick thoughts on this game:
1. How many times has a team shot 60% from the field and lost? You get outrebounded by 15, that's how. Here's a more jarring fact, on two-point baskets Tennessee was 20-26 for the game. That's 77%. But we don't need to get the ball inside. No sir.
2. J.P. Prince is rapidly becoming the best player on this team. Seriously. Put simply, the offense doesn't take bad shots when he distributes the basketball. He was 5-7 from the field (the last miss was an off-balance three at the buzzer), and had 7 assists. At Arkansas Prince had 13 points, 6 assists and 5 boards. Against Florida he had 9 assists. That's 22 assists against 6 turnovers in the past three games. In conference play, and this is going to shock you, Prince is 33-46 from the field for 72% shooting. Put simply, and again, this may shock you, Prince needs the ball in his hands. No one can defend him in the SEC. Not when he's distributing the ball to Tyler and Wayne as well as he has been the past three games.
I say all this to defend what was a huge turning point in the game. Up 2 with one minute to play, Prince got called for an offensive foul because Bobby Maze didn't get him the ball when he was open. I'd be pissed too.
3. Jeff Lebo--doesn't he look just like a creepy math teacher at your high school? Shouldn't this be one of the criteria used to select a coach at a major college. You sit across from the guy and think, you know, this guy looks like a creepy high school math teacher. Then you have to rack your brain to come up with someone who has succeeded as a coach with a creepy math teacher look. Name one person. It just doesn't happen.
Okay, on to the title of the post, if Kentucky can beat Florida in Rupp on Tuesday (and they absolutely have to or their season is over), then we're likely to be staring at a four-way tie at 6-3 in the east come Wednesday evening after the Great Wall of Vagina takes down Georgia.
Then we're getting really interesting. Because there's no way 6 SEC teams get into the NCAA Tournament, right? LSU is going to be in from the West. But which of the SEC East teams will end up getting bounced? And how many games do you have to win to snag the east this year. Clearly 12-4 gets it done. But does 11-5 win it outright. I'm starting to think the answer is yes.
Shortly before Ka'lial Glaud – a linebacker from Atco (N.J.) Winslow Township – was set to announce where he would play college football on Wednesday morning, he still was divided between West Virginia and Rutgers. His principal jokingly gave him a quarter to help him along. But it was no joke to Glaud, who decided it would be West Virginia if it was heads and Rutgers if it was tails.
"Tails came up, so that's when I decided Rutgers," Glaud told the Courier-Post of Camden, N.J. "I didn't know where I was going to go."
Although Glaud's final decision came down to the flip of a coin, Winslow Township coach Michael McBride said the choice was not arbitrary.
"He took all five of his official visits, he compared categories of importance at each school and he talked to his support group," McBride said. "If you want to criticize a kid, how about the ones who commit to three different schools and don't take the process seriously? That's not Ka'lial."
My favorite part of this story is the coach defending this selection as "not arbitrary." Actually the entire paragraph from the coach is superb. Evidently a coin-flip is very predictable. Or the standard for arbitrary coin-flips in New Jersey requires some sort of bracket challenge to select your college. That would be stupid. And stupid's not Ka'lial. He respects the college selection process. He's not the kind of guy who actually commits to "three different schools." Instead he flips coins. That's the definition of taking the process seriously.
Having said that, can you imagine if all college selections came down to a coin-flip? Or if instead of putting hats on the table, a recruit just stood in front of his whole school and flipped a coin on a table? He could have the letters of intent lined up on both sides of the coin-flip landing area. What if you really got dramatic and the coin flew off the stage and started rolling among the students? Are you telling me this thing wouldn't be a ratings gold mine. Bryce Brown could probably put this on pay-per-view and make a million dollars.
Somewhere Greg Schiano of Rutgers and Bill Stewart of West Virginia are both wishing they'd lost this coin flip. Because, call it a hunch, but a linebacker who relies on a coin flip to make a college decision is probably not going to be that disciplined when it comes to covering the running back in the flat. Or, you know, reading Uncle Tom's Cabin for intro. to English at Rutgers.
Anyway, thanks for starting off the week so well Ka'lial. Once we saw that you had the good sense to pose for a picture with an UnderArmour dooh rag wrapped around your head, we knew you were all business.
Thanks to reader Alyson for the latest link to the latest Hitler parody. This time he reacts to Tebow's return to football.
Lane Kiffin, hate him, love him, think he's crazy or a genius, you can't deny he's bold. Fortune favors the bold, and at least in this case Lane Kiffin locks down his first beaver pelt trader of the week. On to the all that and a bag of mail: John P. writes:
Rotnei Clarke?
While watching the UT-Ark game with a friend last night after several pregame beers we were legitimately amazed to discover this fact. Is the spelling Slavic? Did you find this as baffling as we did? Also, while watching Lost after the game we came to the conclusion that you look like Sayid. BGID!
Yes, people confuse me with Sayid all the time. They say, hey wait, is that a white guy with a beard or a former Republican Guard soldier in the Iraqi army? But Sayid is BGID. Except when he got shot with the dart and Hurley had to save him.
As for Rotnei Clarke, I agree. I bet they don't give him his hotel room key when he checks in on the road. In fact, and this is a hypothetical, do you think being named Rotnei is worth an extra star in recruiting? Some guy at Rivals looks at his stats, sees he's a good player, notes his name is Rotnei, and assumes he can dunk?
I think so. I had to go to Arkansas and see what his parents names were. From the Arkansas website: "Born July 20, 1989, he is the son of Conley and Christine Clarke."
If Conley and Christine had thought to add the apostrophe he would have been an All-American.
Chris B. writes:
Clay,
I am a UT grad working on my PhD at Ohio State. Love the fact that Tennessee canceled school today because it was too cold. The wind chill this morning in Columbus was -30 and the door to my apartment was frozen shut.
As much as I miss the South, Columbus is not a bad place. It is actually quite easy to be an SEC fan here. I never catch any heat when wearing my orange around town. Seems like OSU fans are so used to losing to the SEC that they just drop their head in shame. As bad as this season was, I always had a feeling that I could make an outrageous claim like UT would be a 14 point favorite in a game with OSU and get most OSU fans to agree with me.
Last Monday, I wore a UT sweatshirt to class. After class, another student approached me and began talking SEC football. This immediately cleared the area around us. The student told me that he was a UF grad and loved being an SEC fan in Ohio. We talked for several minutes and I became aware that there were several more students joining the conversation. In a graduate class of 60, there were 6 SEC grads, myself and 5 from UF. It was about 10 degrees that night so no jean shorts were present although I am sure are probably part of the wardrobes. This sucks! I get to spend the remainder of the quarter hearing about our lord and savior, Tim Tebow. All I have so far is Layla Kiffin, help.
Pick a recruit, say Nu'Keese, and make up all sorts of stories about him. He can bench 450 pounds, he runs a 3.9, you name it. Then repeat this over and over whenever Tim Tebow's name comes up. If he sucks once the season starts, claim he isn't being used correctly in the offense. This is known as the Jonathan Crompton experience.
Alternatively just talk about how much Coach O can bench.
CLB writes:
Coach Kiffin: "Don't think that Nu'keese didn't think that if 22,000 people could be this loud and this supportive what would 107,000 look like. I really thank our fans for their support. And Bruce for that game plan, when you win it always helps. I also want to thank who ever painted 'Nu'Keese for Heisman' on The Rock. That helped too."
In other news, Dixieland Delight author and avid Volunteer fan Clay Trav'is was spotted in the paint section of Lowes this past weekend. When approached Mr. Trav'is was heard mumbling what sounded to be the phrase "sic semper apostrophhis".
This is such genius it was almost too complex for me. I'm assuming it was intentional. Sic semper tyrannis is what John Wilkes Boothe screamed just after assassinating Lincoln. It's also the state motto of Virginia. In Latin that loosely translates as, "Thus always to tyrants." (I took one year of Latin in 8th grade and my wife claims that I always brag about this. I disagree, but it's important that y'all should know that I had a year of Latin.) Ergo, a hypothetical me is mumbling, "Thus always to apostrophes."
That's very good stuff. So good that this high heat humor almost went over my head. The only issue I have with this hypothetical is that it makes me sound insane.
Kevin B. writes:
Clay,
My friends and I have a dispute, when you're cyber-stalking a girl and looking at her facebook profile, do you go straight to the close-up shots to see how good looking she is, or do you look for skin?
Ah, the eternal male dilemma. Do you start looking at a woman from the ground and work your way up, or do you start at the head and work your way down? I'm a ground-up guy.
So I think you have to go skin first. I confirmed this with a friend who claims he can scan through 200 photos in a few seconds while looking for a bikini facebook shot. I think that's the way you have to go.
Unless you've just broken up with a girl. You've never seen a man more crushed than when he sees his ex-girlfriend wearing a bikini, on a boat, and groups of guys are doing body shots off of her. Still one of the funniest facebook reactions I've ever seen.
Tad B. writes:
Clay,
To further support the BGID, I submit two photos courtesy of the Charlotte Observer. First is 3 time reigning Sprint Cup Champion Jimmy Johnson, who clearly believes that he must sport the beard in order to go for 4 championships in a row. Also pictured is Dale Earnhardt Jr, who had free reign over any woman before the beard, so imagine his powers now.
The beard is ascendant. Coming soon is my column on why Barack Obama growing a beard would save our country from depression.
Turner Bowling writes:
Hello Clay,
My name is Turner Bowling, and I am surrounded by your fans. Not a day goes by that your name, sense of humor, writing, and Tennessee fanhood isn't lauded by one or more of my coworkers. I am an English tutor at a small liberal arts college in Tennessee called Lincoln Memorial University, and the majority of the tutoring staff - or those with personality, anyway - drool at the very mention of UT athletics.
We spend hours a day testing the effects of today's computer monitors on the human eye, and much of the visual exercise is in the form of Tennessee highlights and Claynation fun. If I had a nickel for every time they advertised a link to your blog...well, you know how the saying goes. I'm a wannabe law student, and a fiction writer as well, so my friends in the tutoring lab think it only natural for me to pray in the direction of your home seven times a day, as they do.
The problem, Clay, is that I'm as hardcore a Kentucky fan as one 6'1", 160lb., 24 year old male can be. You can imagine the challenges I face on a daily basis. Now don't get me wrong, I'm quite the realist. Prior to the UK/UT football game each season, I make sure to remind myself, before anyone else has the chance, that my football team hasn't had success against UT a single time since the day I was born. When my orange-clad friends found themselves on the brink of admitting defeat before last year's game had even been played, it was I who stepped in to lift their spirits. I knew that tradition is a tough thing to break, and though I wanted to rub UK's "success" in my fellow tutor's faces, it seemed, well...wrong. As you know, UT found a way, and I sulked in my corner and continued to delete e-mails with links to your blog. Then basketball season began. And UK lost to VMI. I began to view tradition a little bit differently after that loss, as something akin to Santa Claus and unicorns, or Playboy models with Ph.Ds. Sure, we'd stumbled during exhibition games a time or two in the past, but these Wildcats - lacking a defined image, a NBA-caliber player, and, above all, a coach we, the fans, could believe in - seemed destined for a truly shitty season.
After that loss I received an e-mail with a link to your page containing a video with the words "UK," "VMI," and "Hitler" in the title, and for the first time I thought, "What the hell. Why not? My team sucks, why not humor my friendly UT supporters?" I laughed my ass off at that video, Clay. It picked me up when I needed a pick-me-up the most. I sent it to my father) and he loved it, as well. As you, Bruce Pearl, and Jodie Meeks are surely aware, the tide has shifted in the Wildcats' favor since the loss to VMI, but since then I've also enjoyed your writing on a regular basis. I hope to walk an educational path similar to yours, and Claynation.net proves to me that my career, and life as an SEC sports fan, might be a whole lot of fun for years to come. Thanks, Clay. Keep it up.
I almost feel bad posting this given the trapdoor that is the UK basketball season. Can you believe Billy G. has only been at Kentucky for one full season. This is just his second year.
Unbelievable, right?
Anyway, what do Kentucky fans think of Billy Clyde right now? It's okay to be an asshole if you win, but if you're an asshole and you aren't that successful then it's tough to justify your employment. Kentucky has to, absolutely has to, beat Florida on Tuesday. Already the Cats are #75 in the rpi. This makes, and this is the complete truth, Tennessee's home loss to Kentucky by far the worst defeat of the Vol season. It's starting to look like that game was a complete aberration. One of those games where one team plays their best of the season and another team plays their worst. We'll see.
Have good weekends. See y'all on Monday. By which time Lane Kiffin will have shown up at Urban Meyer's house and pissed on the mailbox.
ClayNation Mailbag on Florida, Meyer, Kiffin, and the Duel
I agree with everything Kiffin said. Here's why, what most people don't know is that the Tennessee football family has been incredibly divided over the past five years. Incredibly. There's been a ton of infighting. As fans we haven't focused our hate on our rivals at all. Instead we've been poor-mouthing our own situation, lamenting what we do have, kicking proverbial rocks in the street with our heads down. Instead of being excited about what we were going to do to another team, we've been too worried about what our own team was going to do wrong.
That's a fact. Every Tennessee fan reading this right now knows it to be true.
When we punted, we worried someone was going to return the kick for a touchdown against us (Desean Jackson once or Brandon James--three times). When third and long arrived we worried that our third and Chavis defense was going to forsake us and a drive would continue. When we had a first and goal we worried that we'd fumble or be forced to kick a field goal. All too often all of these things were true. In other words, somewhere along the way, we've gotten so concerned about what our own team was going to do wrong on the field that we couldn't even focus on what we were going to do to other teams.
Our team was bathed in negativity. Tennessee football only had to look into the mirror to find it's own worst enemy.
That's why I wanted Mike Leach. Because I wanted an injection of pure unadulterated optimism into the program. I wanted a coach who other schools worried about doing something to their team. I wanted Spurrier in the 1990's, a cocksure, swaggering embodiment of his team on the field. A guy who lost a game because he ran out of bullets in his six-shooter, not because he curled up into the fetal position and focused on making less mistakes than the other team.
But more than that, I wanted a coach who made football games fun again. A fearless, beaver pelt trading, wild man who wasn't afraid to spit in the eye of tradition or rattle the proverbial cages of the SEC establishment. Up until the past week I'd only seen glimpses that Lane Kiffin could be that guy.
After yesterday's barnstorming tour of the state, I'm convinced Lane Kiffin is that guy. In one day, he united the Tennessee football community in a way that I don't remember ever seeing in the past 8 or 9 years. What other fan bases have been focusing on is the literal truth of Kiffin's comments. Which is fine. So it wasn't an actual recruiting violation. Big deal.
But what the focus on the specific words misses is the tone of those words. And the tone was absolutely perfect. Because Kiffin's comments weren't intended for anyone but Vol fans. They just weren't. Now you can argue that Kiffin should have swept the room of press, but I think he knew exactly what he was doing, sending a message to Tennessee fans that the days of fetal position football are over.
What's more, his comments actually got an apoplectic Florida administration to whine to the SEC and cite, are you ready for this, SEC bylaws. Bylaws? We're talking about bylaws? Are you kidding me?
Football's a game, an entertaining game, and it's about having fun. Bylaws are about the business side of football. And the business side of football isn't fun. It's about numbers and rules and regulations. At Tennessee we've been focused on the not fun aspects of football for a long time.
In one day yesterday Lane Kiffin made football more fun for Volunteer fans than it has been in the last four years. That's a start, a tremendous start to his time at Tennessee. I'm not sure yet that we've got the Bruce Pearl of football, but I'm more confident today than I have been at any point in recent history. Bully to Lane.
Anyway, I got a lot of emails yesterday on this, so I'm going to go to y'all with four that are representative. Here goes with All That and a Bag of Mail
Matt S. writes:
"I demand satisfaction!"
Your recent posts about duels could be prescient. I'm pretty confident you were a fan of the "North and South" mini-series? I'm picturing Kiffin as the arrogant guy who challenges Charles to a duel then begins crying when Charles\Urban stares him down with his free shot after Kiffin makes only a flesh wound with his hurried and drunken shot. Couldn't find the video. Only difference is Urbs isn't going to fire his shot in the air, he'll coolly shoot Kiffin right in the balls on Sept 19th.
PS I also like to imagine Layla in the role of Ashton.
Emails like this are why I find it so hard to dislike Gator fans. North and South is the perfect analogy to the duel. And of course, I loved North and South. Here's the link to the wikipedia page. Johnny Cash played abolitionist John Brown? Really? God, this thing was awesome. I remember watching the miniseries on television when Ashton was having sex with someone (Ashton had sex with everyone) in front of a roaring fire. I was like 6 or 7. As Ashton's clothes came off, I turned to my mom and said, "Why is he taking her clothes off?"
And without skipping a beat my mom said, "Because he wants to see what she looks like naked, I guess."
This made perfect sense to me. Anyway, Ashton and Layla seem to share a similar talent for canzz. Undoubtedly Ashton's canzz helped to explain how this show is still the highest rated mini-series of all times.
Rich M. writes:
SEC bylaw 10.5.1 cited.
How awesome has today been? My Florida friends are absolutely apoplectic over this. Seriously, when your head coach can say something so egregious that it causes the SEC front office, not to mention compliance officers from a rival school, to issue rapid response statements, citing conference bylaws, you've clearly won.
This could be a reach, but is it possible that Lane Kiffin could be the Spencer Pratt of SEC coaches, i.e. crazy like a fox and clearly delighting in the villainous role that he's carved out for himself?
I completely agree on the bylaw argument. I think Florida overreacted a great deal. Again, Kiffin and UT didn't complain to the conference when Spurrier accused Kiffin of making a recruiting violation on the same day he was announced as the new UT coach.
The Pratt/Kiffin angle is a great one. Does this mean Kiffin and the black Brody Jenner/Wayne Chism are going to have a falling out? Could it happen during a game? Chism throws a headband into the crowd and it hits Kiffin and the two enter into a mock-feud? I can see this happening. WWE comes to college athletics.
Better question, is there a more testosterone-laden coaching staff in college football history? It's possible the entire UT cheerleading staff is going to end up pregnant just from standing on the same sideline. (And not, as you would expect, from sleeping with wide receiver Gerald Jones.)
Hunter R. writes:
Why do Florida fans (and J. Foley included) care so much about what Kiffin said? Why the concern? If UT is what they claim . . . a back sliding program with less talent and an inexperienced head coach . . . why do they care? They've won two National Championships in three years. They had the highest per player rating of any recruiting class this year. They got their Superman back with no signs of slowing down.
Why the anger? Why let it bother you? What purpose does that serve other than to encourage the same type of baiting in the future? What's with the insecurity? As a UT fan, I didn't give a shit when Spurrier inaccurately called Kiffin out in December. Why do they care so much? Why wouldn't Foley come out and make a subtle, backhanded, self-righteous comment about Kiffin's inexperience then briefly set the record straight? Instead it sounded like whining. As if Lane had stolen Urban's milk in the lunch line.
From what I can tell, Florida fans have NO reason to be insecure. Zero. So why are they? Are they worried? Do they see some cause for concern? I'm not sure. They must or why else would the response sound like it does?
Great question. I think Florida overreacted. I really do. They made this a bigger story than it otherwise would have been. And I think the Kornheiser/Wilbon take linked above has been indicative of how most national voices have responded. I watch PTI every day. They've never said anything positive about UT football in the past five years.
Ben S. writes:
Clay,
Admit it, you're afraid that we're going to hang a hundred on you in the Swamp this year, aren't you?
No, not at all. Florida is going to be better than Tennessee next year. Just like they've been better for the past two seasons. But am I afraid of what the score is going to end up? No, I'm not.
Look, this Tennessee team wasn't a double-digit underdog to anyone last year. The defense gave up 14 touchdowns all season. The offense was just awful. I think Tennessee will win 8 games minimum next year, I really do. This is not a bad football team. There is a lot of talent. Plus, and this is key, the schedule is pretty favorable. Five of the first six are at home. I think the confidence will build and we'll be 4-2 at worst coming out of the October 10th game against Georgia in Knoxville.
But every Tennessee fan expects to lose that game at Florida. We'd expect to lose even if Bill Belichick were on the sideline for us. You've got Tebow and a great defense. We've got Crompton and a great defense. But do I think Florida will play any harder than they would have if Kiffin took the Fulmer route and never said anything at all? Nope.
In fact, Urban already ran up the score against us in 2007. He scored 59. I sat through every point in the baking sun with the entire Florida Gator student section behind me. Here's the article I wrote about that game for CBS. At least 21 of those points were in the fourth quarter after the game was long-since decided. I was more upset then by the fact that Urban disrespected us so much that he didn't call off the dogs. He had Tebow throwing deep balls into the fourth quarter. Generally you don't run up the score against someone because you fear the shoe being on the other foot some day, clearly Meyer had no fear that Fulmer would ever dominate him in a similar fashion. Urban was right.
Again, I think Kiffin has set a tone that he's not afraid of anyone. I think saying this and believing it is the first step. The next is being able to instill fear in opponents. We're not there yet, but I think we will be. It's taken a while to say it, but after yesterday (combined with the recruiting and other things I'm seeing and hearing from inside) I'm now a Kiffin guy.
Urban Meyer: "I am not a crook." Challenges Kiffin to duel
Thursday, February 5, 2009
As Lane Kiffin continues to make his way across the state of Tennessee on a recruiting roadshow with stops in Knoxville, Nashville, and Memphis that now seems staged to draw attention, the Florida-Tennessee hatefest continues to grow. (Seriously, imagine if Mitt Romney had Kiffin's ability to grab a headline during his presidential campaign. Well, he would have still lost to Obama. So, never mind.)
In Knoxville Kiffin told the fans to expect a five-star surprise. Enter former LSU commit Janzen Jackson. In Nashville he told fans to check their computers at five for another recruiting addition (all signs point to four-star tailback David Oku from Oklahoma). Knowing Kiffin you have to wonder whether he asked these guys to keep quiet until today so he could have the stage to himself. But, having said all that, it appears Meyer committed no violation.
And now the Gators are angry. Quoth the Gators:
"There was no rule violation and we have confirmed this with Southeastern Conference. It is obvious that Coach Kiffin doesn't know that there is not a rule precluding phone contact with a prospect during an official visit on another campus during a contact period," Florida athletic director Jeremy Foley said.
"His allegations are inappropriate, out of line and, most importantly, totally false. It is completely unfair to Urban Meyer, our coaching staff, our football program and our institution. The appropriate action at this time in my opinion is for Coach Kiffin to make a public apology.
"His comments not only slandered our coach, but he violated SEC rules by publicly criticizing another coach and institution."
At least we've got some good ole-fashioned hate boiling. Kiffin is the early 1980's Jimmy Hart of SEC football right now. Give that man a mic/megaphone and it's on.
Not to be outdone. Urban Meyer released his own statement:
"When I finish bathing in the blood of virgins (not my daughters), I will issue a dueling challenge to Lane Kiffin. Our starting quarterbacks will load our pistols and we will duel at fifteen paces."
Asked his response to Meyer's duel challenge, Kiffin immediately backtracked, "You mean Crompton will be loading my pistol?"
Bar'kevious Mingo Drops the Apostrophe, Signs with LSU
Craig B. writes:
C’lay,
With all the hysteria around National Signing Day, has the Claynation missed the fact that a highly ranked member of the CAR Top Five List mysteriously dropped the apostrophe from his name? Apparently Bar’Kevious Mingo is now going by simply Barkevious Mingo. Check out his announcement here. I have checked multiple recruiting sites and they all have his name listed without the glorious apostrophe. WTF! What are your thoughts C’lay on this tragic turn of events with the CAR Rankings? I think that we need to do a ranking of CAR for the new recruits. I am sure there are plenty we have missed.
After doing some more Googling of Barkevious, I stumbled across this little nugget, his brother or cousin is Hughtavious-Deangleo Mingo. WOW. Apparently, Hugh did not get the football gene of the Mingo family tree, apparently he is going after the acting/modeling market. Check out his amateur shots here. I especially like the one of him with the tree.
So his momma pulled the out both the dash and the apostrophe for her children. This woman gets the gold medal if she has another child and their name has some other random mark of punctuation.
Final thought on the word barkevious. Apparently, it means vicious dog in Anglo-Saxon French. You can’t make this stuff up!
Roll Tide!
Where you have you gone Bar'Kevious Mingo, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you, woo woo woo. What's that you say Mrs. Mingo,...
I think you get the feeling. It's a mournful day here. Although, to be fair, I think your assertion that Mrs. Mingo didn't know the Anglo-Saxon French translation for barkevious is patently absurd. Do you think she just randomly put together two words without considering the implications in Brittany? (France, not Spears.)
As for Hughtavious Deangeleo, that tree picture is too good to be true. (It's linked above). Are you telling me that if you were interested in having the funniest modeling picture on earth, that you could do better than this? You're lying. Flat-out lying. That picture is genius.
Photographer: "What we need now is the shadow of leaves on your face in the afternoon sunlight. Okay, perfect, no....wait...something's not right. Unzip the hoodie just a bit, right, yes, like that, perfect, wait...something more, place your hand on the tree, be one with nature, now climb halfway behind the tree branch, perfect, make love to the camera, yes, yes, oh, God yes!"
I'm very tempted to recreate this shot for my book-jacket photo.
Kiffin's allegation: that Meyer repeatedly called Richardson while he was on his official visit to UT.
"I'm gonna turn Florida in right here in front of you," Kiffin told the crowd at the Knoxville Convention Center. "As Nu'Keese was in the meeting, his phone kept ringing. One of the coaches says, 'who's that?' And he said, Urban Meyer."
"I love the fact that Urban had to cheat and still didn't get him," Kiffin said.
It's a recruiting violation to call a recruit while he's on another campus visit.
Yep, Nu'Keese is already paying dividends. Already. The War of the Apostrophe continues. Remember how a red sky at morning signaled a warning of bad weather to sailors? Well an apostrophe jumping ship, is the college football equivalent.
Janzen Jackson Kicks Les Miles in Balls, Signs with Vols
It may be time to ask a question, does Lane Kiffin have the biggest balls in the SEC? In other words, has Kiffin usurped Les Miles? I ask because Kiffin pulled a five-star defensive back, Janzen Jackson, out of Louisiana about fifteen minutes ago. The LSU faithful at the high school were so upset they booed Janzen as he left the stage. That's class. Even Marlon Brown (whose grandmother stamps him as the latest vag to play wide receiver at Georgia) got applause when he announced for Georgia.
At his press conference yesterday Kiffin said the class wasn't finished. Then at the recruiting breakfast in Knoxville he told the gathering that they would have "a five star surprise" by the time they got back to work.
Either Kiffin has tremendous balls or, more likely, Jackson had already faxed in his paperwork to the UT office and the Vol coaching staff was just waiting for him to officially announce.
Combine that with stealing two commits from the Gators, turning in Urban Meyer for a recruiting violation, locking down the top junior in the state yesterday, and barnstorming the state to pump up the fan base and I think it's fair to say, the days of Phil Fulmer, aka your dad, poor-mouthing everything is done. Lane Kiffin is kicking in teeth. And taking names.
In honor of Alabama's Recruiting Class: The Day Bear Bryant Died
Courtesy of reader Jacob J. comes the above link.
Jacob J. writes:
C'l-ay,
In honor of Rivals naming Alabama's recruiting class #1 for the second consecutive year (Fear the Future), I suggest that we look back at the way things once were in T-town (and laugh hysterically).
The day Bear Bryant died
What really hits home is the scene that features a quarterback sack while fading from a Large Mouth Bass shot.
Geaux Tigers
It takes a while for this to get going, but this video gets weirder the longer it goes on. The scene where the lake becomes a football field is particularly confusing. It's clear that fishing is a metaphor for something here, I'm just not sure which. Is Bear Bryant being compared to a large mouth bass? Alabama football to fishing? Why would you make a video about Bear Bryant dying and then spend the entire video showing a random guy fishing on a lake?
The Great Apostrophe War of 2009: Nu'Keese Heis'mans Gat'ors, Arriv'es in Kn'oxville
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
The Lord's Truth, I took a break for lunch after ESPNU reported Richardson to Florida. My apostrophe dream was shattered. I sent a gchat message to Chris Canada of gatorsfirst.com saying that Nu'Keese was officially the most hated man in Tennessee. And now, I come back from lunch prepared to throw Nu'Keese Richardson under the bus. When, come to find out via Gators on gchat, he's n'uked the Gators.
Wow.
He better be awesome now. Really awesome. Because I'd already sworn everlasting and eternal hate to him. And now I love him with all my heart. Welcome to signing day.
Best analogy I can think of for signing day, it's like Christmas only the presents select you while you watch them stand-up and walk away from the tree. So far the Vols are doing okay. Crossing my fingers we can snag Marlon Brown, Je'Ron Stokes, or Kendall Kelly down the stretch. If so, the day will be a big success.
Of course I want Je'Ron to double up the offensive apostrophes. Until then Nu'Keese is my new number one in the CAR.
ClayNation Banner...Avert Your Eyes Lest You Be Stricken Blind By the Majesty
Courtesy of reader Hank R. This is amazing beyond words.
Beaver pelt, Elin G., John Bell Hood, BGID, 'Bama Bangs, pink dolphins, bingo wing'd Florida girls, ClayNation hand sign, apostrophes, the great tit bird, I honestly don't know what to say.
Other than welcome to Knoxville to Teague and Miles. Come on Nu'Keese we need you.
9 Signs Your Recruiting Obsession Has Gone Too Far
As we all sit down and madly hit refresh on our computers this morning. Enjoy. (This is from my 2007 column for CBS).
1. You get an instant e-mail alert of the latest commitments sent to your work e-mail address and start doing fist pumps and spinning circles in your chair while seated at your computer. When your boss catches you, immediately feign interest in your work and pretend something good has just happened. Then you wipe your brow and promise you won't ever do this again. Six days later you fall off the wagon and repeat your celebration.
2. You analyze the weather of a recruit's hometown in an effort to determine whether or not his delayed signing is evidence of tampering by a rival school or simply a function of the snow.
3. You convince your college-age daughter, friend or girlfriend to post suggestive comments or photos on a recruit's Myspace page. This is really the next frontier of enticement. Several readers sent me links to outrageous Myspace pages of football recruits this fall. There were legitimately girls propositioning them on public pages if they came to a respective school. This is insane and this stuff is public.
4. You miss a court-filing deadline because you're waiting on a five-star recruit to announce his decision. Not that I know any lawyers who have done this.
5. You go on opposing team message boards to talk trash about the rumored decision of a 17-year-old boy. While there you manage to get banned from posting. I've had some low points in sports-related fields: getting kicked out of a coed flag-football game for cursing, trying to draw a charge and getting dunked on, having our biggest soccer rival score a goal by mugging me, horribly spraining my ankle going for a pump-fake from my younger sister in our backyard, but getting kicked off an internet message board would be the lowest. Yet this happens all the time to people come recruiting season.
6. You hide your credit-card statements from your wife because of the hundreds of dollars a year you pay for "exclusive" recruiting updates. I have a friend who told me his wife was convinced he was hiding his porn viewing from her because every time she came into the room he would turn his laptop screen. Ultimately, of course, she caught him red-fingered. Logged onto a paid recruiting website watching high school combine videos.
7. You pepper your normal conversations with phrases like "soft verbal" "high three-star" and "medium interest." Come early February you might actually say something like the following: "I'll give you a soft verbal on Smokin' Aces for Saturday but I've still got medium interest in Hannibal Rising and I think The Last King of Scotland's got high three-star potential." 8. You compile YouTube videos featuring highlights of your favored recruits from eighth grade musical chair competitions, ninth grade flag-football outings, and one particularly dashing over-the-shoulder catch in a rainy elementary school kickball game.
9. You e-mail your friends from rival schools upon the announcement of a major recruiting coup. Emblazoned in said e-mail will be no less than six taunting expletives (perhaps starred out to keep him from being reprimanded if you're feeling ambitious), confident pronouncements of eight consecutive victories led by said recruit (even though he will only play your friend's team at most four times) and a final shot across the bow about how said recruit would have chosen your friend's school if his younger sister had only been willing to hold back her sexual consort for more than a single weekend.
Vols v. Gators for Nu'Keese Richardson: The Apostrophe Battle For the Ages
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Yep, Nu'Keese Richardson. My boy Nu'Keese is a 5'9 150 pound speedster from Pahokee, Florida who has been committed to the Gators since last year. He's a four star from Rivals and the #9 receiver in the country. This past weekend Nu'Keese was in Knoxville. Now word has trickled down from a few sources that he might be a super silent Vol commitment. (What's not super secret is Nu'Keese's killer sense of style. Sweater vest and baseball cap? Hello, ladies.)
(Nu'Keese has never been more popular. Reader Ryne M. sent in a new picture of him in the Tennessee locker room with his family. Rocking the Vols jersey. Presumably the sweater vest is underneath.)
Is it wrong of me to believe that Nu'Keese is the tipping point in the Vol-Gator rivalry. That if the Vols can manage to snag this apostrophized all-star away from the Gators the world will be entirely different at the end of signing day?
No, of course not. Welcome to recruiting's own version of as the apostrophe turns.
Inspired, truly inspired. Now all they need to do is include Jeff Bowden as offensive coordinator/George Pickett. "General Lee/Bowden, sir, I have no division/offense." Courtesy of reader Hank.
See, it works perfectly.
By the way, the lovely Spencer Hall who has chest hair that would make Burt Reynolds in 1972 weep like a Tennessee fan at the end of the Florida game, initially found this.
Though she finds all pasty, middle-aged men intoxicating, Nakajima said balding Midwesterners who carry most of their weight in their stomach particularly turn her on. According to the sexually inquisitive teen, she often daydreams about sleeping with a 43-year-old divorcé with poor hygiene habits.
"I like it when they dress up like middle managers," said Nakajima, twirling her girlish pigtails with one alabaster finger. "You know, with the sweat-stained dress shirts, and the office clipboards, and the khaki pants that are 2 inches too short.
This is all fun and games. At least until someone cuts and pastes this article into the wrong forum and Misaki Nakajimi becomes the most searched term on google.
Lance and Ian host Roundtable Radio in Birmingham. It's basically required listening if you're in Birmingham. I'm on every Monday at 12:34. Today I noticed I could embed those interviews on this site. So voila.
Enjoy. Unless this doesn't work. In which case I blame them.
We've officially reached the point where commercials don't feature words anymore. At least that's what I learned while watching the Super Bowl on Sunday night. The majority of the national ads featured less than 25 words. Many of them featured no words at all. This is likely because global corporations want their commercials to be as accessible as possible, want to use them on multiple digital platforms, and want them to ensure they translate across national boundaries.
So it might make business sense. But in an era when many of the most intelligent consumers are skipping commercials already, are they really going to be engaged by commercials that don't feature words? Put another way, this is the golden age of complicated television shows. How effective can advertisements be if they're infinitely less intelligent than the television shows themselves?
Anyway, just something I'm wondering about. On to other things that struck me about the game.
1. Right after Harrison scored on his interception return, I actually thought, that was a great play but now we're never going to hear the end of it. That's my issue with the Super Bowl--you can't even enjoy big plays because the hyperbole machine is so overwhelming. I love the game, but there's too much of an effort to make this game seem more important than every other game this year. Yeah, big plays happen but you can't even enjoy them in the Super Bowl because you know ESPN is going to run them into the ground for the next three weeks/years.
It's why I now watch zero pre or post-game television coverage of the game. I know what happened, I just watched it. I don't need to have someone salivating over the particulars. (I'm aware of the irony of me writing about the game, but text isn't so overwhelming. The written word still gives you a chance to think; whereas television replays are all about telling you what you should already think. To me that's a big difference. There can be nuance there. Room for thought to spiral in unanticipated directions. Not so with ESPN's analysis.)
2. I don't talk much about schemes because I'm not really an x's and o's guy. Having said that, how brilliant was the play design that put Larry Fitzgerald in the slot for the final Cardinals touchdown? Similarly, how inexcusable was the play of the Steelers safeties on this play?
Both safeties lined up 25 yards from the line of scrimmage. In theory there should be no way for anyone to get behind them. At the snap they both went wide and attempted to double the outside receivers leaving no one in the center of the field. With under three minutes to play the Cardinals isolated their best player in the center of the field with man coverage.
How did the Steelers' safeties not recognize the danger here? Fitzgerald made his catch, turned, and was gone.
This was when I really wanted Madden to explain what happened and NBC blew it. Nothing. This was probably the greatest play design of the game, and NBC didn't even explain why it worked so flawlessly. Pathetic.
3. Graham N. writes:
"So I'm watching the Super Bowl right now, and John Madden just analyzed a Steelers formation where 4 receivers line up on one side of the ball and draw the coverage, leaving the one receiver on the other side in one-on-one coverage. Sound familiar? James Van Der Beek's Oop-de-oop lives. Is Mike Tomlin's obvious analysis of Varsity Blues the key to the Steelers' success?"
Genius, pure genius.
How much would you have died if John Madden had said, "Now in Varsity Blues, Billy Bob, see, he got into the open field and..." 4. Why was there no discussion about the Steelers taking an intentional safety late in the fourth quarter? Isn't this the right play if you don't convert the first down? Now the Steelers got a safety regardless, but with two minutes left in the game and a six-point lead wouldn't you rather have a free kick from the 20 and a four-point lead than punt from inside your 1 with a six point lead? I would.
Usually Michaels is pretty good about nailing things like this. On Sunday, not so much.
5. Sooner or later the NFL's weird replay rules are going to blowup in a big game. If you have two successful challenges, like the Cardinals did, then you're rewarded a third challenge. But you're limited to three challenges in a game. Why?
Say you make three successful challenges and then another egregious error occurs. You can't challenge it. This is such an arbitrary system. Why not make a rule that every time you're correct on a challenge you get to keep that challenge? Or say that if you're correct on the third challenge as well you get rewarded another challenge?
If the goal of the rule is to limit excessive challenges, the rule would still be valid. You'd only be able to challenge more than three times if you'd been correct on the previous challenges. Or why not penalize incorrect challenges since those are the ones that actually impact the flow of the game more? Not a harsh penalty, but, maybe, five yards or so.
As is this system is set up to fail.
6. How old does Cuba Gooding, Jr. look? He reminds me of one of those African dictators who looks like he's 90 when he's still 40. Why is he so stressed?
It got so bad Colts running back Joseph Addai was sitting at home and he thought, "Man, dude looks rough."
7. Why wasn't the final Warner fumble reviewed? Was it? I don't agree with the NFL taking control of all challenges inside the final two minutes. And I especially don't agree when there are plays that deserve to be looked at and aren't. Again, it's arbitrary.
8. How unbelievable is Larry Fitzgerald? His fourth quarter was as dominant of a receiving performance as we've seen in a long time. What's scary is how much better can he get? He's still only 25.
Also, how did Al Michaels not say, "Larry Fitzgerald is Rod Tidwell," after the first touchdown catch. Do you think there was any part of Fitzgerald that wanted to stay laying down on the ground and pretend to be knocked out?
9. Obama said he loved Tebow. What are the odds that Tebow ends up a Senator or Governor before his life is over? Even? Would you bet against this? Do you have any doubt that he could be elected in Florida?
What if Obama kicked Biden to the curb and made Tebow his running mate. Even though Tebow wasn't eligible to be Vice-President.
10. Anyone else find themselves thinking, Byron Leftwich or Matt Leinart are going to get Super Bowl rings? Back-up quarterbacks should have to give their rings to starting quarterbacks who never got one.
Also, is there any doubt Leinart will wear the ring out to the bars and use it to pick up chicks?
11. Did anyone else notice Santonio Holmes celebrating after his big catch that gave the Steelers a first and goal? There's under fifty seconds to play and after he gets tackled he gets up and struts into the end zone while still carrying the football. I really wish the clock had been running on this play and the Steelers had to scramble to get the ball downed. Just unbelievable.
It's one thing to celebrate. But when you celebrate with the ball the refs can't get the ball respotted. You know he would have panicked too, if they'd been rushing and needed the ball. He would have tossed it out of the back of the end zone and the refs would have been pushing the media members away to grab the ball.
12. Can Big Ben singlehandedly bring the goatee back? I'm afraid so. To be fair Pittsburgh is probably the only place on earth where the goatee is still cool. They're perpetually fifteen years behind everyone else. The Macarena is huge right now in downtown Pittsburgh.
13. How does no one talk about Mike Tomlin's weird jumping celebrations where he doesn't pull his hands out of his pockets? Does he have the coldest hands on earth? Watch him next season after big plays, he's like a pogo stick, leaping around, without using his hands. It's like he doesn't have arms.
14. Watching Brenda Warner with blond hair is even more uncomfortable than watching Brenda Warner with a flat-top.
15. I hate Steelers fans. The only thing that makes me unhappy about this outcome is that Steelers fans are happy. That and those damn terrible towels.
Arizona Fans Got Comcasted During Super Bowl; Full Frontal Male Nudity
Sometimes even I'm shocked at at how people get Comcasted. Such is the case with Super Bowl viewers in Arizona. Right after the Larry Fitzgerald touchdown, some viewers were entertained by some full frontal male nudity. Awesome! Wait...Putting a whole new spin on the Big Ben angle.
The pornography clip was from Club Jenna, an adult cable television channel. The Star newsroom was flooded with calls from irate viewers who said that the porn cut into the game with less than three minutes left to play, just after Arizona Cardinals player Larry Fitzgerald scored on a touchdown pass from Kurt Warner to put the team in the lead.
Callers said that the clip showed a woman unzipping a man’s pants, followed by a graphic act between the two.
Wait, wait, I'm so confused what was the graphic act between the two? If you really want to know you can see the footage here. But be aware, it's not safe for work. At all.
Anyway, like always, Comcast will make it right. "Comcast is working on a plan to compensate customers, but nothing has been set in stone, Maslyn said."
Do you think Comcast has a comcasted chart featuring a pay scale for when they screw up? I'm picturing Maslyn going to the full-frontal male nudity portion of the chart (just past the internet not working for an entire day and DVR's not recording slot) and coming up with...a month's free cable.
You may or may not have heard about this already, but the reasons for Mark Gottfried's firing from Alabama may not have been limited to his crap-ass basketball team. Rumors are flying that he had or may even continue to have some kind of improper relationship with a twentysomething student. Considering he is married and has like 11 kids, the word on the street is that this may have violated some sort of "morality clause" in his contract, thus rendering his 2.5 million dollar buyout moot. This email has been circulating down here for a while, and I want to know if this "morality clause" is commonplace in coaches' contracts, and what that might entail. If you want to throw in a CCI rating, that would be okay, too.
BGID
As if that weren't enough more details emerged in another email from a former sorority sister of the lass in question:
My cousins bombarded me with emails yesterday asking if I knew a certain "Cailey S." who was "evidently" an Alpha Chi with me and who is EVIDENTLY responsible for the recent break-up of Mark Gottfried's marriage. (They sent a picture, too.)
And, yes. She was an AXO and is a year older than me...from LEROY, ALABAMA! Leroy is a po-dunk town north of Mobile. She still lives in Tuscaloosa 3 years after college, which is SUPER COOL! She is one of those girls that is really pretty and when you see her out you're like "why is she hanging out with rednecks/old dudes?" And then she opens her mouth and you're like "day-UM!" THAT'S WHY!"
I know how you like names starting with a C or K and ending with a hard "E" sound (and no, I do not take offense...) So maybe you can do some investigative journalism on this topic...
Combining this with the Asian porn interest of Les Miles, we're now the Drudge Report of SEC athletics. Diving into the emails, let's begin with the morals clause. Most contracts have a provision in this respect. Sometimes they're fairly specific. Generally they deal with drug use, arrest, things of this nature that could bring disrepute on an organization that is employing a high-profile individual. You may recall that Kentucky and Billy Finchless Gillispie do not have a morals clause negotiated. Instead they have a two-page memorandum of agreement.
So a morals clause is fairly common. Now, applying it because of an extramarital affair would be tough, unless, and this is key, Alabama was able to rely on the fact that this girl was allegedly a nursing student. The fact that she's actually affiliated with the university could be a huge deal.
What's the likely outcome? If Alabama is actually threatening to withhold this payment, it's a real mess for Gottfried. Because in order to collect he'd have to sue under the contract and then everything becomes public.
But that's not going to happen. Generally in these situations, one side is just trying to posture to get the other side to accept less money. And Alabama has already announced that they intend to pay the full buyout. So unless something has changed in the past week, the morals clause talk is just a smokescreen.
So is this a completely unfounded rumor that has swept through the Alabama community? Time will tell. But chances are, if you're an Alabama fan, you've heard all about it.
As for the ClayNation Slammability Index (CCI), I'm thinking this rumored girl ranks pretty high. (But not as high as her brunette friend pictured below).
Travis has become enamored of several objects, phrases or events which he frequenly references in the column. Among the most frequent:
'Bama Bangs - a term coined by Travis to refer to southern men's hairstyles that feature prominent bangs for no apparent reason. Brodie Croyle and John Parker Wilson are oft-cited violators of 'Bama Bangs rules.
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When Clay Travis, acclaimed author of Dixieland Delight, decided to spend the 2008 season up close and personal with UT football, he—and every other college football aficionado—thought he was in for a rollicking ride with one of the leading contenders for the national title. After all, when the Vols kicked off the season on September 1, the defending SEC East champions were ranked 18th in the country. As head coach Phillip Fulmer prepared for the game, he reflected upon a coaching career that included an astounding 147 victories, two SEC championships, and a national title. With 34 years at UT under his belt as both a player and coach, the Tennessee native had just signed a contract extension that projected to keep him at the university long enough to become the winningest coach in program history.
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There is no college ball more passionate and competitive than football in the Southeastern Conference, where seven of the twelve schools boast stadiums bigger than any in the NFL and 6.5 million fans hit the road every year to hoot and holler their teams to victory.
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The newly favored man is not really a man at all, but a hairless, effeminate, germ-fearing, non-meat-eating, exfoliating, wristband-wearing woman of the worst order. We as men are told that we must embrace the sacred feminine in ourselves, even if it doesn't actually exist, and become the very quintessence of woman, plus penises. This situation is untenable. This trend must stop.
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Clay Travis is the only former student manager in the history of college athletics to marry an NFL cheerleader. He managed to pull this off despite an irrational affinity for the television shows Dawson's Creek and My Super Sweet 16. While being raised in Nashville, Tenn., Travis developed a healthy obsession with college sports and Alyssa Milano. As a teenager his greatest accomplishment was taking a doo-rag wearing Luke Duke (balling as Tom Wopat) to the hole at the Nashville YMCA.
In the midst of a stellar legal career during which he specialized in rewarding the unjust and punishing the oppressed, Travis began writing for CBS Sports's SPiN section in September 2005...
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