ClayNation All That and a Bag of Mail: Billy G as southern villian, ClayNation Clamslammability Index and more
Friday, January 30, 2009
Big week here in the Travis household, Fox turned one year old. To celebrate his mom lit out for Orlando for the weekend to lead her high school dance team to heights of heretofore unknown glory at the National Dance Team Challenge at Disney World. This means dad has the Fox-man this weekend.
Uh oh.
Anyway, proving that nepotism is not dead, I'm giving Fox the beaver pelt trader of the week for the weekend. On to the mailbag:
Adam Y writes:
Does Billy G. look like a 1960's Southern villain? I was watching the video of him with Jeannine Edwards, and he looks like the undercover racist from a Sidney Poitier movie. I’m thinking of the Southern lawyer who seems tolerant, understanding, and has a honey tongue, but near the end is the most ruthless, virulently racist of them all. I think it’s the smarmy tone of voice, and that thin, pomaded, sweaty hair (sweaty because Jodie Meeks had 6 points.)
I love this analogy. I'm picturing Billy G. pulling out a gun in the final scene and suddenly turning it on his clients, laughing maniacally and making comments about miscegenation while he takes a pull from a whiskey bottle he'd kept hidden inside of his coat. Suddenly the camera would show him standing in darkness and he'd have a spring of hair falling down over one eye.
I love this.
Also, back to Jeannine Edwards, does anyone else think Billy G. responded like he did because she's a woman? I think so. That just ocnfirms for me that he's a bully. Would he have said that to Jay Bilas? I don't think so. Would Jay Bilas have likely asked the same question that Edwards did? I think so.
Anyway, Billy G. is like the anti-Atticus Finch. We're inventing a new word to describe him, Finchless. Somehow this fits.
Corndog Chris writes:
Clay,
First, Not sure what a rankink is, maybe another reference to the Hat's Asian fetish?
Second, seems like the prestige rankings should have considered the old school vs. the new school. As a Seminole grad, I was pleased to see them finish so high but think it is a little skewed since we did not start playing football until 50 or so years after the old line schools (Michigan, Notre Dame, Alabama, Tennessee, to name a few). I think Miami and Florida began playing earlier, but did not become "prestigious" until the late 70s and 80s at the earliest. Maybe you should rerun the numbers and create a new school category and an old school category. Or a North v. South comparison (since you are a Civil War buff) showing the prestige moving South as the Rust Belt rusted and the Sun Belt grew. This would also be another way to support your Pansouthernism (sp?) too.
Andy Staples did a good job breaking down how Southern schools have come to dominate in recruiting based on the weather. That ain't changing for some time. What's the most important factor that explains the rise of Pan-Southernism? Air conditioning. Seriously, air conditioning.
Also, we spent some time on ClayNation radio talking about where we'd go to college if we were a five-star recruit and you couldn't choose the school you root for. My top three criteria were as follows (in no particular order):
1. warm weather 2. hot girls 3. good academics
My schools?
Texas Stanford- They rejected me for law school. That place is heaven on earth. Miami
Georgia would be my top pick in the SEC. Remember: Athens--where boobs are fun.
Clay,
As a long-time reader with three mailbag appearances, I am perplexed as to why anyone in their right mind would want their last name excluded from the ClayNation mailbag. When my emails are included in the mailbag, I wear it like a badge of honor.
Next time I get published…use my full name.
Gregory Jonathan Payne
Ask and ye shall receive.
Nick M. writes:
I don't have a vote for the Pulitzer, but rest assured your piece today on the Great Wall of Vagina would win something if I did. If all else fails, call it what I do - Jerry Green 2.0.
My goal is for Wayne Chism to write: "Great Wall of Vagina" in the space for team name when he declares himself eligible for the draft.
My second goal is for the Pulitzer committee to have to announce, "And the winner for internet commentary goes to Clay Travis and his take on the 2008 Vols basketball season--The Great Wall of Vagina.
Jason writes:
I know with tGWoV playing in Knoxville you have missed the Great Wall of Anus in Tuscaloosa but Jesus they suck. I would rather have the vagina's in Knoxville than the fecal matter put together in Tuscaloosa. I did not know that three guards standing around passing the ball and two forwards just standing around under the net was an offense. After reading your recount of Tennessee basketball and then watching Bama lose to Arkansas the way they did I just want to cry. This is just awful.
Is it just me or does fecal matter sound much more disgusting than any other term for poop? It makes me cringe just reading it. I'm not sure why.
Don't believe me? Next time you have to go to the bathroom and take a crap, just turn to the room and say, "Okay, I'm going to deposit some fecal matter in your toilet now."
Everyone in the room will throw up.
Guaranteed.
As for Alabama basketball. Tough luck. When Tennessee plays Alabama on the final game of the SEC regular season we'll call this the Unmentionables Bowl.
W'ade writes:
Claydasha,
Just wondering if you've ever heard the story of the Andrew Jackson/John Sevier duel that almost happened. Jackson accused Sevier of trying to make Knoxville the capital so that he would benefit from all of his real estate wheelings and dealings, and of course Sevier countered with the time-honored "your wife is an adulteress" and "you're a petty, fogging lawyer" argument.
They actually got into a fight in front of the courthouse in downtown Knoxville, and Jackson challenged him to a duel which Sevier refused. Jackson then took out an ad in the paper challenging him, and they met in Kingston for the duel which resulted in a modern day movie-like situation where their respective posses were pointing pistols at one another. Insults were traded, but they eventually rode back to town together with nobody having been shot.
I have never thought to ask about this during one of my trips to Marble Springs or the Hermitage to get the entire story or to hear the partisan differences from the guardians of their legacies. "A petty, fogging lawyer." Man, people just don't insult with the same élan anymore. I am going to try my best to work the fogging insult into conversation this week.
Truly amazing story. I've never heard this before. On the badass President scale Andrew Jackson has to be number one, right? He's like the 50 Cent of the twenty dollar bill.
What if you could combine fogging with comcasted? Like, you're arguing about whether or not something is admissible, and you say, "This petty, fogging lawyer is comcasting me out of a clear hearsay objection."
The real danger here is that fogging might sound an awful lot like fornicating. Only the four letter version. (It's a family website. This will make more sense when you see the email two spaces down.) People were so much better at insults back then. Although, did anyone see the New Yorker article this week where Lawrence O'Donnell eviscerates the selection of Kirsten Gillbrand over Caroline Kennedy for the Senate? It's pretty awesome. Here goes:
"Paterson (governor) has no comprehension of upstate New York, absolutely none, and has chosen someone better at representing cows than people...This is the hack world producing the hack result that the hacks are happy with."
Golf clap.
Randy W. writes:
After 6 months of scouting, I have made it official.….….Megyn Kelly is the Erin Andrews of the political world. I not only have watched her commentary during weekly programs, I have now been able to critique her ability to cover live special events. (New Year’s Eve & the Inauguration) Not only is she extremely well-educated and well-spoken (she has her law degree), but she is absolutely gorgeous; and just like EA, whenever she is talking with men you can see how they go out of their way to try and be clever and funny in front of her. She better be rated at least a 9.5 on the CCI. (Claynation Clamslammability Index…....don’t know if you have actually created this yet, I guess I just assume it exists)
Seeing as how I’ve read your column for a number of years, I’m pretty sure I have a hunch where you stand from a political standpoint; so you may have never seen/heard of Megyn Kelly because she is on Fox News. Here’s her bio:
DTFI at all times.
I love the idea of the ClayNation Clamslammability Index. Love it. I'm not familiar with Megyn Kelly at all. I watch no television news. Zero. Not because I am opposed to television news, but because I try and limit my television viewing to only DVR'ed shows.
Having said that, none of you care what I'm writing now, you just want a picture of Megyn (by the way -yn, really?). Here she is:
Several of my Nashville friends are obsessed with a local reporter named Teresa Weakley. I think I prefer her. I'd rate her higher on the CCI. But maybe that's just me.
Here she is.
Scott writes:
Clay, love your work, etc. i'm an ACC fan, so that should somehow make you feel better about my ringing endorsement.
I just took a new job, and after pretending to work for 2.5 days, I was worn out. So I tried to head over to claytravis.net for some good times, but it is firewalled. the reason provided: 'porn.' Let me say that, while i'm no expert on the topic, I have some passing familiarity with this so-called 'porn.' And when I'm looking to see some 'porn', your site is not my first destination. so can you do something about this? I know I can download some software to circumnavigate this, but I'm too lazy. can't you just change some internal description of your site to make it look like it's related to something family-friendly?
Feel free to post this, but please don't include my last name.
I'm not above being a porn magnate, but this isn't my flagship. I have no idea how to remedy this. Suggestions from people more intelligent than me?
Brian B. writes:
Read your column on "the hit". While the chances of a hit like that killing a person are very rare, they are still there.
It is more likely to happen to an untrained person vs. a football player mainly because the football players (especially pros) have developed anatomical adaptations over their careers from repeatedly suffering hits. The main adaptations are stronger bones of the vertebrae and stronger neck musculature to protect those bones.
The bottom line is that the force of the hit could cause a whiplash injury leading to a basilar skull fracture (what killed Dale Earnhardt) or a fracture/dislocation of the vertebrae. A fracture dislocation can then either bruise or severe the spinal cord causing paralysis or death (depending on the level of the spine associated, closer to the brain, the more severe).
McGahee is VERY lucky he is up and walking around right now. Between equipment advances, the VERY well trained medical staff that cared for him and the fact he is a world class athlete; he had the odds in his favor. It could have been MUCH worse
Hope this helps.
There you go. See, the ClayNation readership is pretty on the ball about these things. Basically, you or I might be dead. So be happy we're not and have a good weekend.
Stewart Mandel Takes Note of Vols' Coaching Staff; Fails to Make Sense
I've written quite a bit about Tennessee stealing a march on other conference teams by paying their assistant coaches more than any other school. I know that Lane Kiffin identified assistant coaching pay as an area that was unjustifiably skewed towards head coaches. In other words it doesn't make sense for someone like Urban Meyer to make more than 10 times what his defensive coordinator Charlie Strong makes. Rather than demand $3 million Kiffin told Mike Hamilton at their first meeting that he believed he could put together the best coaching staff in America. And that he was going to do it by demanding less up front money for himself and spreading that money around to his assistants. To me that was the biggest strength of Kiffin, he's willing to surround himself with the most-talented coaches in the business. And he's willing to take less money for himself to do it. That's something that a less confident coach would be afraid to do.
The result is that Tennessee will be paying $3.3 million to their assistant coaches--the most in college football. But, and this is key, the UT staff as a whole still ranks in fourth place in the SEC when it comes to total coaching salaries-- a full $1.5 million behind Alabama. Now, predictably, people like SI's Stewart Mandel are wringing their hands over the horrible precedent this sets. Give me a break. I like Mandel, enjoyed his book, and think he's generally on point, but I think his really glaring flaw is that he tends to gets sanctimonious and moralize too much. Such is this case with this situation. Here's Mandel's take.
All told, the Vols' assistants will make a combined $3.325 million in '09, shattering the totals at SEC rivals Alabama ($2.405 million), Florida ($2.035 million) and Georgia ($2 million), according to data compiled by the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. Tennessee is so proud of this feat, it sent out a press release last week listing each assistant's salary.
Do you see what Mandel has done here? He's focusing on the assistant coaching salaries of other SEC schools while ignoring the head coaching position to justify his premise. What's more he's using a term like "shattering" when the salaries don't justify the term. Alabama will be paying their staff just $920,000 less than Tennessee (those salary figures he uses are a year behind as well). By putting those millions that the schools pay instead of the difference between the two, he makes the numbers seem greater. Alabama (920,000) Georgia (1.3 million) and Florida (1.1 million) looks less impressive in parentheses, don't they? If Tennessee paying $920,000 more to their assistant coaches than Alabama does is "shattering" what's Saban making $2 million more than Kiffin? Nuclear exploding?
What's more, each of these schools pay their head coaches much more than Tennessee does. In an age when chief executives are making tens of millions more than their subordinates, Mandel's written the equivalent of an article griping over how much vice-presidents of companies make. Swell.
Mandel could just as easily have written this sentence:
All told, the Alabama, Florida, LSU, and Georgia head coaches will make at least 1.5 million more than Kiffin.
Or this one.
All told, Nick Saban still makes $650,000 more than all 10 assistant coaches on Tennessee's staff.
Or this one.
Of course it's worth nothing that a big part of Tennessee's assistant coaching staff salary is tied up in Monte Kiffin (at least 1.2 million although he probably will cost closer to 1.5 million) which is still at least $500,000 less than than he made last year in Tampa Bay.
But Mandel didn't.
In other words, the focus of this article could have been on Kiffin helping to increase the pay for underpaid assistant coaches everywhere. Arguably this is admirable, being willing to redistribute the coaching income pie to those who work in positions beneath your own. But Mandel hasn't done that. He waits until the second page to even mention that Tennessee is still paying less than three SEC schools.
And here's the crux of his argument:
First of all (Claynation note: there is no second of all. Anytime you begin an argument with first of all and there isn't a second point, you're making a losing argument. Period). Tennessee's unique "model" was spawned out of necessity. Kiffin is a first-time college head coach who needed experienced assistants around him to have any hope of contending in the SEC. Should he achieve quick success, however, you better believe he'll be promptly rewarded with his own $3 million contract -- and it's not as though the assistants will then get pay cuts.
Yep, Mandel has identified a "problem", based an entire article on it, used outdated 2008 salary information and compared it to 2009 salary structure at Tennessee (the reality is that the top three schools in the SEC are spending more than he cites for their assistant coaches--for instance LSU giving $525k to Chavis, Trooper knocking down $320k at Auburn ring a bell?), and then used the hypothetical success of Kiffin to point to a looming disaster in college athletics.
In other words, if Kiffin fails, there's no basis whatsoever to anything Mandel has written. Everything in his argument is based on a hypothetically successful future. And that hypothetical future won't include Monte Kiffin forever (he's 69) so the UT defensive coordinator will probably end up making much less money in the future. Not to mention that even with Mandel's dire hypothetical prediction, Kiffin at $3 million a year, the combined UT coaching staff would still be $600k beneath the amount Alabama was paying in 2008. But that's too complicated to consider. We have to focus on the staggering "problem."
I'm not even going to get into the sensationalism of failing to note the important facts of this article until the second page. The point is Mandel has done much better work. He doesn't need to gin up controversies that don't exist. There are plenty of those that already exist in college football. The pay of Tennessee's assistant coaches isn't one of them. And Mandel knows it.
This has to be a major step back in our efforts to promote the apostrophe's greatness, especially because of your strong notoriety in the U.K. The part of the article that jumped out at me most was this:
"John Richards, founder of the Apostrophe Protection Society, said the decision was 'absolute defeatism'."
How have you not taken over as president of this society? Or at the very least, we need to hold a new election.
From the article:
Its a little difficult to place sometimes, but if itd never been invented our sentences wouldnt be so easy to read and wed all get confused because we wouldnt know who owned anything.
But the apostrophe is obviously just too challenging for some.
Birmingham City Council has dropped possessive apostrophes from its road and street signs altogether - so St Paul's Square becomes St Pauls, for example.
The decision follows years of debate about whether apostrophes should be restored to local place names such as Kings Norton, Acocks Green and Druids Heath.
The authority says the decision was taken to achieve a consistent standard across the city.
Honestly, I'm crushed. The country that could withstand the Blitz can't handle the apostrophe. For shame, England, for shame. I'm sad to be a bestselling author in your country. And I'm all for a coup to overtake the Apostrophe Protection Society.
It's clear that America and England are two apostrophe ships passing in the night. Here the apostrophe is ascendant, there--well, the apostrophe is dead. Let's all shed a tear.
Marisa Miller Takes In Vols-LSU, Beats Bobby Maze In Game of Horse
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Gary Parrish (who incidentally is the best college basketball writer on the internets) has a nice profile about Marisa. That's Gary for you, always going the extra journalistic mile. Here's his take. This comes about because Negadu and Miller's husband both went to Brewster Academy.
Here's a bit from Parrish's article:
Speaking of looking good, did I mention Marisa Miller will be at Thompson-Boling Arena tonight? The former basketball player -- "I used to play in school," she said. "I was a guard." -- can't wait to get there (face unpainted, I hope) to support Negedu while trying to help Tennessee improve to 4-1 in the SEC, if only by serving as a distraction to LSU's Marcus Thornton.
"I think the atmosphere will be exciting," Miller said. "I just hope I don't embarrass Emmanuel by cheering too loudly."
Of course this led to questions from reader B.P. (Even though we're facebook friends, this is not Bruce Pearl.)
1. Over/under, Marisa Miller appearing 6 times on the Jumbotron
If she didn't appear more than six times whoever operates the jumbotron should be fired on the spot. The UT athletic department should request the feed from this game and run it with the jumbotron guy sitting beside them. Mike Hamilton should sit with a bowie knife in his lap. For every time less than six that she doesn't appear on the jumbtron the camera guy should lose a finger. Start with the pinkie.
By the way, I watched this game on DVR so I zoomed through quite a bit of the crowd shots, but I don't believe JP/LF/Raycom managed to get her on camera once. This makes complete sense.
2. If you just happen to be walking down the steps at the same time the Kiss Cam is going and you "accidentally slip" with your lips landing on Marisa Miller, what kind of charges are we talking about? (I know you hate giving free law advice, but....Marisa Miller).
Where do the lips land? I'd personally go with the fall and land on the breasts for cushion defense but I'm not a criminal defense attorney.
With defenses like that, I know you're shocked.
I'm also iffy on criminal law. But the key is intent. In legal terms you have to have the requisite mens rea to accompany the act--actus reus. An email suggesting you might accidentally slip would not help your case.
Now, as for a civil lawsuit, you'd be on the hook. No intent required there. But then you'd get to be party* to a suit featuring Marisa Miller. So it probably works in your favor.
(Note being a party to a lawsuit is not like going to a swimsuit or lingerie party. Just so you know.)
3. Coincidentally this happens to be a HUGE recruiting weekend for UT football, so if you're Lane Kiffin you have to walk the recruits in front of her, right? If this happens and Marisa is decked out in UT gear, how many commitments can we expect on the spot?
You don't walk the recruits in front of her you get she and Layla to make out. Then you make a youtube video with the heading, "This is Tennessee football."
4. What kind of move does Bruce Pearl make?
Bruce needs to do whatever he can to get Marisa signed on as a guard. She played in high school. Plus, and this is crazy, she beat Bobby Maze in a three-point shooting contest Wednesday afternoon. (Note, this is not actually true, but I think it's the kind of thing we should all agree is true. Sort of like how you tell your wife that you aren't thinking about having sex with any of the cheerleaders or dance team members when you watch them perform. It's a necessary lie.)
5. Is she the hottest woman ever?
Does the name Elin Grindemyr mean nothing to you? Nothing?
You might recall that I've been obsessed with dueling of late. Now we've got the perfect 21st century challenge for ClayNation: Exercise Ball Duels.
Can you imagine how much different our nation's history would have been if Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr had this option.
Anyway, reader Chris B. emailed me this link along with this bit of advice, "Don't leave your feet!"
I agree that leaving the feet is a risk, but it also has a high reward. I feel like there are an awful lot of subtle intricacies to exercise ball dueling. One of them is explaining to the doctor how you tore your ACL. Which, given that dueling is illegal now, would require a smooth lie.
For several years I had a running debate with my friend Sarah over whether Ashley or Jessica was the more attractive Simpson sister. That debate ended when reader Jimmy B. sent me an email with the heading, "Jessica Simpson stung by a thousand bees."
It wasn't long after that until I got an email from Sarah alleging that Cacee Cobb had been consumed by Jess.
Somewhere Nick Lachey is smiling.
Also, if you've ever wondered how gorgeous Southern women end up fat and unattractive yet still have gorgeous daughters, the Jessica Simpson/Britney Spears experience offers a cautionary lesson. Southern women of this ilk are like reverse butterflies. Simpson has entered her cocoon phase.
And I have a bad feeling it's going to be here for the rest of the season. Several quick thoughts as I take a break from the editing process:
1. Who ranks players for Rivals? I'm tired of ripping on Scotty Hopson. It's clear he isn't even a first team All SEC freshman this year. So I want to direct my anger at whoever ranked Scotty Hopson the fifth best player in the country and made all of us expect him to be, I don't know, capable of chewing gum and dribbling a basketball at the same time. Somebody provide this guy's name. Please.
2. If you were a guard on Tennessee's team and Wayne Chism was a head and shoulders better shooter than you were, wouldn't you use this as an impetus to get better?
3. Negadu is a beast. Why he only played 15 minutes is beyond me. He might have the largest back of shoulder muscles I've ever seen. (I'm not even sure what this muscle is called.) On a team full of vaginas, Negadu plays like a man.
4. Okay, I couldn't resist. Hopson doesn't do anything well. At all. Except jump. And even then he jumps at the wrong time. Three more classic Scotty plays tonight.
a. the airballed free throw
b. the 3 on 1 to the basket, refuse to pass, get the ball knocked out of bounds. Have you ever seen a guy have more trouble dribbling in the open court? Hopson looks like Bambi on ice when he tries to dribble the basketball.
c. Have a pass actually go between your legs. Seriously, between your legs. When was the last time that happened to someone in a game and they weren't 8 years old? I don't even remember seeing a pass go between somebody's legs in a pick-up game.
5. How bad have things gotten? a. we've lost more home games this month than we lost in the previous three years and b. SEC Championship? Please. This team is going to be a bubble team if we're fortunate enough to make the NCAA Tournament.
6. But that's not the worst of it. Does anyone else find themselves angry when watching our team play? There's very little enjoyment with this team. It's the least enjoyable Pearl team by far. And not just because they're the Great Wall of Vagina.
I'd much rather watch a bunch of untalented scrappers find a way to keep games close than watch this team make bad decision after bad decision en route to losing. Some of the decision-making makes me want to yank out my eyebrows.
Plus, and I think this is key, you get the sense that an awful lot of Tennessee's players think they are much better than they actually are.
It's hard to root for a bunch of guys that hold themselves in much higher esteem than they deserve. Ironically enough I keep thinking to myself, this team plays basketball like a bunch of filthy rich private school kids.
By now you've all seen ESPN's ranking of college football programs. The rankings are designed to be controversial and attract page views. Something they doubtless succeeded in doing. Several of you emailed to ask what I thought of the rankings. In general I appreciate the methodology applied.
When I look at the resulting teams, I just have one issue, namely, I don't think you can rate programs that high when it comes to prestige if they weren't successful prior to recent history. In other words, I would have enacted a penalty of some sort on programs like Florida State and Miami which I don't believe are justifiably top ten programs.
Put it this way, up until 1978 Florida State was tied for 69th most wins in major college football. 69th! Yes, they were dominant in one decade, but even if that decade was completely dominant (and it wasn't) does it justify ranking them as a top ten program over the 62 year history of the ranking system? I don't think so. Prior to Bobby Bowden Florida State had one bowl win. One.
The fact that Florida State can be ranked so highly is, I think, indicative of a flaw in the system. (And don't think they didn't run a variety of metrics to see what the results would be. You could toy with these and produce a few different outcomes.)
Miami hasn't been as inconsistent as Florida State but from 1946 to 1979, they had two bowl wins. Two! To me, consistency of program success over the decades is more important than a single decade of dominance.
So those are the only two programs that really jump out at me as being drastically overvalued.
I also noted that size of the fan base wasn't really considered. And I've started to wonder whether that might be more key in the long run. I've sort of had this idea in the back of my mind since I went to an Alabama-Auburn game in 2006. An Alabama fan turned to me and said, "Look at all these seats, do you really think we can be bad for that long? We can't afford to."
This was before Nick Saban arrived but even then I thought it was a good point. Namely, if a school has a multi-million dollar program, are they insulated from being bad for a long time because the money at stake insures that sooner or later they'll be good again? Basically that big business dictates they find a winner. Period.
Think about this for a little while. How many stadiums that seat 80k or more fans have truly had awful teams for more than a five or six years in a row. (South Carolina might be the only one. Seriously, think about it. UCLA, although there can be a real debate about how much people care out there and have to get into defining awful.) Here are the 15 largest stadiums in America.
Other than the Redskins, all of them are college stadiums. And every one of these 14 schools that have the biggest stadiums also appear in the top 20 prestige rankings for ESPN.com. So what am I getting at, the top teams really aren't any surprise, they're the schools that the largest crowds go to see play each week. Most interestingly, we've gotten to the point where the teams that are good are going to stay good. It's not just a function of pride and tradition, it's now a function of big money. There's simply too much money at stake to fail consistently. Eventually the right CEO is going to arrive and put things in order.
Yep, welcome to the world of college football, where some programs have simply become too big to fail.
At least we know how well that worked for the banks.
ClayNation: All the rumors that are fit to print if they're so funny they have to be true. And Les Miles watching Asian porn the night before big games is perfect.
At least according to reader William P.
My cousin runs the on-campus hotel at LSU where the team stays before home games. Apparently the mad hatter likes a little asian porn before games, reason she knows this is he has to pay for movies with own credit card! Better yet his room this year got destroyed by the hurricane so he didn't get any porn this year because apparently he didn't feel comfortable in his new digs! Is that why the Tigers struggled this year he didn't have his pre-game release? Does he wear the hat while watching?
To begin, who doesn't have an Asian porn infatuation? Let he who has scrolled by Bangkok Bordello 51 and not at least paused to click on the title and read the description cast the first stone.
No stones being tossed from here Les, none at all.
The outlandish coaching swagger, the utter contempt for the rules of logic and the law, let's be clear about this, Les Miles coaches football like a millionaire businessman corrals whores on in Thailand's red light district. With absolute impunity and no fear for the consequences. This is the perfect analogy for his coaching philosophy.
Fat Holly Rowe: "Les, Les, what were you thinking when you went for it on fourth down six times even though you were leading by three touchdowns."
Miles, cocks hat back, stares into the camera, "Being conservative in Nakhon Ratchasima means you end up with the whore with the clap. And not the good clap." (Demonstrates hands clapping, nods to crowd, adjusts hat)
"I ain't clappin'. No sir."
Also, you haven't lived until you've found yourself typing "Les Miles Asians" in as a google image search. In the millisecond before the images came back, I really questioned my life.
But then nothing of interest came up and I was devastated.
At least until I remembered that Louisiana has an Indian governor in Bobby Jindal. So I managed to find a photo of the two of them meeting.
Unfortunately the tape recording of Les Miles meeting Mrs. Jindal and saying, "Know your work, love your work. You've got a damn strong resistance to the gag reflex," has been lost. A pity, really.
Is anyone even willing to argue that Billy G. isn't a jerk anymore? Anyone? Anywhere?
You can disagree with the premise of halftime interviews. You can say that you find them trite, inconsequential, and dumb, but you can't argue this is a bad question from Jeannine Edwards. In fact, it's probably the best question she could ask in a forty second interview. At least the best one you can ask that doesn't begin, "Is it just me or are your pores secreting pure bourbon?"
ESPN has been fellating Jodie Meeks for the past two weeks. Ever since he scored 54. Billy G. went on PTI and did a nice circular bobbing motion while talking about Meeks. So shouldn't he have been willing to answer a question about what a bad basketball team was doing to hold Meeks to six points?
I think so.
He didn't. Instead he lectured the interviewee.
Imagine how pissed Billy G. is going to be when he finds out that Jeannine Edwards is the mother of the best 11 year old basketball player in America.
Anyway, true story, CatsPause had five threads after this game debating whether this loss would cost Kentucky a number one seed. Five. Kentucky fans are so realistic.
Feldman's a good guy, a great writer, and most importantly in the grand scheme of things a friend of mine. So this should be fun. As if all that weren't enough tonight is our first sponsored show by Otter's Chicken Tenders. Yep, we've sold the naming rights to the radio show.
Courtesy of reader Hank comes what I would look like on a video game box. Because I know everyone has been dreaming of this. Also, the GW-Vandy football game would be an epic tilt. Particularly because GW hasn't fielded a team since 1966. Let's just say GW would set a record for Jewish players who are under 5'8, use hair gel and high five one another after using the word "phat."
Some things that would be included in my video game:
1. Quarterback rock star segments- if your quarterback throws for 300 yards, you get to follow him post-game to the sorority house. You can get bonus points (used to upgrade your team recruiting) by catching different bras and panties being tossed out the windows.
2. A beard button--if you think your players aren't playing well enough you can have them grow a beard. It would be risky though, if your player wasn't capable of growing a beard, he'd suffer a season-ending injury the next week. So choose wisely. (Aka don't heard the beard button with John Parker Wilson).
3. Cheerleader nudity. Input the old unlimited men code from Contra and the cheerleaders would be naked on the sideline.
4. If you punt when facing a 4th down and under three yards to go your team colors become pink for the remainder of the game.
5. Create fan insults that can tip the scales for your home games via the momentum meter. You'd submit your idea to a creativity board (which would consist of me) and if they're judge
6. The Apostrophe button. Above the x button on the controller? An apostrophe. If a player had an apostrophe and you hit the button your player would move at the speed of light.
7. Civil War History quizzes. Facing a fourth down and long late in the game and uncertain whether you can convert? Take a gamble on Civil War trivia. Where did Jeb Stuart die?
If you selected at the Battle of Yellow Tavern, then, bang, you converted.
Anyway, these are 7 ideas. Clearly, many more things can be included.
This comes courtesy of my co-host on ClayNation radio, Chad Withrow. Evidently this figure skater's name is Ekaterina Rubleva and, honestly, I was expecting a more explosive nip slip here. Like maybe the whole top down. Or at least more than what you could see on NYPD Blue back in 1994. I couldn't even tell when it happened during the actual routine and this makes me incredibly sad.
Because if I've lost the ability to recognize an accidentally exposed nipple, what reason do I have left to go on living?
Michael Vick's PETA Test Demonstrates Why He Has Trouble Recognizing Defenses
The Mike Vick rehabilitation campaign is underway. Whatever, and I mean whatever you do, don't ever treat a dog with disrespect. Shoot someone instead. Otherwise you might have to grovel at the feet of PETA by taking their test on animal empathy, safety, hell, I don't know what the purpose of this test is. Just that Vick got a 73.5 out of a 100 and you can read his answers to the test questions here.
Reader Brian P. was kind enough to send along this link. Along with his own favorite answer of the test:
One of my favorite parts is heroic tale of dog loyalty which had me on the edge of my seat.
"Loyalty: My Aunt Tina own a Rotti name Tico. Once my aunt + her boyfriend Wayne was having an intense fight. Tico couldnt get into the house + thought my Aunt Tina was in danger. She jump through a class window + pinned my Aunt boyfriend Wayne to the ground just growling until my Aunt called her off. Now thats loyalty."
5/5 indeed Michael.
My personal favorite answer is this one:
"One act which really blew my mind was a two month old piglet who went after a drowning little boy in a story I read. Now that's heroic.
(Vick then starts a story about a wolf, but scratches it out and goes with another animal.)
Another was about a deer that wouldn't leave his mate and took a buttel for her. These actions tells us that animals are really social among each other.
Yeah, he wrote buttel when, presumably, he meant bullet. But, on the positive side, Vick is really good at summing up animal actions and morals of the animal story. Except, you know, when an animal doesn't do what he wants and he electrocutes them. These actions tells Vick that dogs are great conduits for electricity.
Seriously, buttel?
Virginia Tech should be very proud, very proud indeed.
What if the Wonderlic test was replaced with an essay contest? How much would you pay to read some of these tests?
Beating Team 100-0 Not "Christ-like"; Spurrier Dissents
Monday, January 26, 2009
By now many of you have heard about the girl's high school basketball Covenant School team beating Dallas Academy 100-0. As a result the winning team (the team they beat at was filled with dyslexic transfer students) has felt compelled to forfeit the game. Writing on their website that win win by 100 points "does not reflect a Christ-like and honorable approach to competition. We humbly apologize for our actions and seek the forgiveness of Dallas Academy, TAPPS and our community."
Reader Bert' N. writes as follows:
Is this what Spurrier dreams about at night? A true blow-out? And now the team is forfeiting? How do you think Bob Stoops feels about running up the score in all those games this year after seeing this article? I wish I had been there...
Fortunately I was able to contact Steve Spurrier. This was his response. In monologue. (As a prelude it's important to note that the more games he loses the more Southern he sounds. Honestly, have you heard Spurrier talk lately. You can't even understand him. Pretty soon he's going to coach with a tin cup to catch his tobbacer):
"Reckon, fetchin', stop it if you can! See, you got to stop the offense. Stop the ball! Ball! My offense used to be unstoppable. Back in 1995 with Danny we scored 48 straight against Tennessee. 48! Could have been 148 and God couldn't have done nothing. See, God doesn't have loose hips.
Have you seen Jesus in those pearly white robes? He can't swivel, can't get low, if Jesus was a defensive back, I'd iso on him all day long. Run the fade. Bang, touchdown after touchdown. Ole turtle doesn't get on that fence by accident. Boy could Danny throw the fade.
Once I held Danny's jock on the field. At Florida he threw the fade so well. I said Danny, you could make an old man's penis moist with pre-cum even when he hasn't had a drop of water in three months and has been dead and buried for two months. Lord's truth. I said, Danny, why don't you just throw the fade while I hold your balls in my hands. Could you let an old man do that? I won't juggle 'em or bounce 'em or anything of the sort. I'll treat 'em like they're chocolate chip cookies on a hot plate. All gentle like. And I'll be damned if Danny didn't throw the fade perfect like while I held his warm balls in my old grizzled hands.
(Pauses to wipe the tears from his eyes.)
Shoot, if Danny Wuerffel was a girl and I was a girl's basketball coach we'd of won the game 1,000-1. Dagnabbit, I'd of never pulled him outta the game. Danny was a good ole boy. If a dog can't hunt, you got to teach it how to eat hushpuppies. And if a quarterback can't throw the fade, you got to shoot him. And if a one-legged girl can's skip, you got to send her to Georgia to play running back. That's what I've always said. That's what I believe!
Nobody talks about what a good boy Danny was, but if he was a girl I'd have given up coaching boys football and started coaching girl's high school basketball. I've always thought a ball's a ball. Give the ole ball coach a ball and he'll coach. Put on that visor and find a mismatch. Put the butter in the basket. Course I wouldn't have been able to hold Danny's balls in my hands then because he wouldn't have had balls; see girls don't have balls, but I would have hung a thousand on those dyslexic loser girls. I'd be smilin' like a goat in the briar patch.
Hell, people talk like those girls were upset to lose 100-0. They're dyslexic. They thought they were winning 100-0! They read it backwards. They'd probably read the BCS standings backwards too. You cain't just win. You got to crush the other team. Crush 'em. Like Patton on the Rhine, like Lee at Chancellorsville, like me against Georgia. Like Urban Meyer against me in the Swamp this year. Make that other team as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.
Givin' up the win? Dumbasses. Dumb liberals. Like all those dumb liberals up in Warshington, D.C. They wanted me to give up my preseason stats? I said, what? I don't know how to lose a game until the regular season starts. I own the preseason. I knew I never should have left the SEC. It's cold up North. Real cold. Who wants to walk around in the cold? Nobody, that's who. Except Stoops.
His dumb ass went up to Oklahoma. I told him not too. I told him to wait out for a real job. Not some Oklahoma cracker school. I said, I grabbed him by the visor straps and I said, "Bobby, you hang on a second here. You stay down Gator-land you can end up at Mississippi State. That's Starkville. Where the biscuits are like honey and the cows are good and sweet to a man. Give him the kind of loving he needs and deserves late at night in an empty field. Ask the Snopes's. Ask Willie Faulkner how good that cow lovin' can be."
But did he listen to me.
Hell no.
See, people forget that Danny was Christ-like too. He could make water into wine. Turn an old man young again. Sigh, those were the days. I was happy as a tick on a fat dog. Now I got Garcia. Garcia couldn't score a 100 points against that girl's team if you gave him the Lakers and made him the point guard. Said Stephen, all you gotta do is distribute the ball. Turnovers a comin'. Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's rainin'. I ain't got time for that crap anymore. Garcia you're about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.
Hell, what do I know. I ain't the ole ball coach anymore. I'm just ole. A hundred? I'll never see the likes of it again. Not without Danny. I don't talk about it much anymore, but the wind don't blow that I don't hear it whispering, Wuerffel, Wuerffel. Oh, Danny boy, where have you gone? Where, Danny, oh where?
So last night I watched the Screen Actor's Guild Award Show. Yeah, I know.
It gets worse. I also watched the E! red carpet event before the SAG show. This is what happens when my in law's come to town (this weekend was Fox's first birthday party), we just sit around and watch television.
Anyway, watching the red carpet with your mother-in-law is pretty uncomfortable. Especially when you're playing on the floor with your son. In general the only reason to watch the red carpet is to see the hot women. But you can't only look up for the interviews with the hot chicks because then it's obvious what you're doing. So you have to sprinkle in some interviews that you don't care about.
As a result I know quite a bit more about Mickey Rourke and David Duchovny than I did before the red carpet event began.
I also finally answered a question I've had for months, who is the hot blond chick on 30 Rock who only exists to play a hot blond chick? The answer, my friends, is Katrina Bowden.
If you've ever watched 30 Rock you know exactly who she is.
So now you know her name too. You perverts. (At least you're not the guy who put together the jpeg screenshots of her in the outfit linked above. At some point while he was putting this graphic together do you think he thought, "Man, I'm a sick dude." Probably not. God bless him.)
Anyway, truth be told, Katrina Bowden isn't famous enough yet for her obvious eating disorder to become major news. It's coming though, I can feel it.
Here are some highlights from the Great Wall of Vagina defense that might make everyone feel better about losing 54-52 to Memphis.
Okay, maybe not.
The only positive is that Tennessee's RPI is still 19. And we've now played the third most difficult schedule in the country. Get to 10-6 and we can be a 7 seed, miss a lot of threes in the NCAA Tournament, and lose to a 10 seed with a decent guard. Any guard will do.
All That and a Bag of Mail: Duels, Topless Girls, and the Confederate White House
Enjoy the drunken history story about the Burr-Hamilton duel above. It was one of many dueling related emails I got. The Hamilton-Burr thing is amazing every time I think about it. Can you imagine if this happened today? Two famous politicians fought to the death. What if Joe Biden shot Timothy Geithner? The media would cover it as if nothing of the kind had ever happened before.
Judging by the emails all of you are amazed that dueling ever existed as well. But nothing is as amazing as Andrew Jackson's duel with Dickinson.
In 1805 a friend of Jackson's deprecated the manner in which Captain Joseph Ervin had handled a bet with Jackson over a horse race. Ervin's son-in-law, Charles Dickinson became enraged and started quarreling with Jackson's friend which lead to Jackson becoming involved. Dickinson wrote to Jackson calling him a "coward and an equivicator." The affair continued, with more insults and misunderstandings, until Dickinson published a statement in the Nashville Review in May 1806, calling Jackson a "worthless scoundrel, ... a poltroon and a coward."
Jackson challenged Dickinson to a duel very much according to the customs of the time in the south. Dickinson, known as one of the best shots in Tennessee if not the best, had choice of weapons and chose pistols.
Dickinson fired the first shot, which broke two of Jackson's ribs and lodged two inches from his heart. Dickinson then had to stand at the mark as Jackson, clutching his chest, aimed slowly and shot him fatally.
Can you imagine this? I've always heard that Jackson planned on taking Dickinson's shot first, surviving, and then shooting him. How bad ass is this? Andrew Jackson is a our beaver pelt trader of the week. On to the mailbag.
Angela C. writes:
I can confirm that everything Chris presented is what happened during the beginning of the TN/GA game. I was not in the room when it first came on the screen. Chris yelled that I had to come see what was on the TV. I saw the slide and was shocked but not surprised, considering how badly the station is run. WFLI has a budget so low it has to be in negative numbers. I shared the story with some friends and from them I learned that it was from an episode of Oprah that had aired the day before. That does not explain how it appeared on our local WFLI though. Oprah is in a different station. I have tried to locate a story here locally that mentions the incident but I think very few people watched the game so there was never anything in the news. And WFLI doesn't have any means of contact so there was no way to check with them. I was really hoping to get an answer from them because I would love to know how it happened. My suspicion is someone who programs for the network did it as a prank or someone hacked in to the broadcast. Maybe someone who reads your site will have some insight.
Oh, while this was on the screen, they went to commercial and then to the game for a few seconds but the slide appeared back on the screen for several more minutes.
Angela is Chris's wife. So I'm trusting that this happened. Sort of like when you were in elementary school and you claimed that you were sick but didn't have a note to prove it and then your mom got called by the principal.
Also, it gives me this chance to add a photoshopped version of the JP/LF/Raycom Chattanooga telecast that arrived via reader Hank R.
Josh K. writes:
Clay,
Maybe I missed it, but what happened with you writing for Deadspin? Although I had heard of Deadspin before you started writing for them, I had never checked it out until you left CBS. Obviously, you are not there and now the "Dash" seems to cover the college sports scene. What gives? Or are you forced into silence by a non-disparagement clause? If that is the case, then just give me an italicized "Deadspin was a remarkable experience for me" and I will draw my own conclusions.
Totally off topic. I know you are a Civil War buff. Have you ever been to Richmond? I took a trip there back when you could get $10 airfare from C-bus to anywhere (including the home of Marlboro, Richmond) on that now defunct airline. Even as a Northerner, I have never been so captivated by a museum more than the Confederate Museum in Richmond. My wife (who may have been humoring me at first, but ended up loving it) and I spent four hours there. Even better, take the tour of Jefferson Davis' house next door. I now have a sweatshirt from both and each one makes my wife nervous whenever I wear them in public.
Freezin in Ohio. Go Bucks.
Deadspin was a remarkable experience for me.
On to the Richmond question. Amazingly, I've never been. I know I need to go. It's really the only major Civil War site I haven't visited. You name it from Vicksburg to Stonewall Jackson's buried arm, I've been there. But I love, absolutely love, the fact tha tyou've got a sweatshirt from the Jefferson Davis house. I have a Battle of Franklin t-shirt. Seriously, I love that there is a demand for battle t-shirts. These are even better than the t-shirts my mother-in-law always brings me from wherever she visits. I have a big shirt that says Bourbon Street on it. That's it. Another than says, New Mexico. The best is one with the Canadian flag on it that just says, Canada.
But all of these pale in comparison to the Franklin t-shirt. And the Franklin t-shirt pales in comparison to the Confederate White House sweatshirt.
Speaking of Civil War gifts, when we visited Lexington, Virginia my dad bought my 11 year old sister a gift. What was it? A small plate featuring a picture of Robert E. Lee meeting for the final time with Stonewall Jackson just before the battle of Chancellorsville. I remember she tore through the packaging, opened up the box, and held it up in front of her.
"What is this?" she asked. "That's Robert E. Lee meeting with Stonewall Jackson," my dad said.
W'ade writes:
Claydasha,
I have, on occasion, wondered if my core group of friends, got together with your core group of friends, who would be the funnier group. (I get really bored sometimes waiting on a billable six-tenth of an hour to ring my phone.) Would you with your obviously quick wit and as evidenced from the DDT book, your friends' obvious ability to compliment you with some of their own hilarity make me laugh harder than the guys I have been friends with for years? We all compliment each other well. One guy is just raunchy. A few have fairly quick wit. One guy seems to spend hours absorbing stuff on Comedy Central to reuse at an opportune time, and the rest of us are just generally funny guys who occasionally hit a funny note but mainly rely on about 25 years of inside jokes that we've built up since Kindergarten. I figured anywhere from 10 (the friends added in college) to 25 years of knowing how to make the others laugh would be hard overcome no matter how funny you and your friends are in print.
The Charge of the Cameltoe Brigade.
You win. By yourself. Congratulations.
My goal has always been to strip away 15 minutes of fun from a day owned by the billable hour. But I appreciate the congrats. By popular acclamation, should the Vols perform well on their homestand, we'll promote them from the Great Wall of Vagina to The Charge of the Cameltoe Brigade.
1.
Half a league, half a league, Half a league onward, All in the valley of Death Rode the six hundred. "Forward, the Light Brigade! "Charge for the guns!" he said: Into the valley of Death Rode the six hundred.
For those of you who didn't have to memorize the Tennyson poem and didn't know where the inspiration for the potential new name came from, here it is.
Anyone else remember in The Blind Side when Michael Oher suddenly came alive while reading this poem? No...crickets...hello...anyone.
Josh R. writes:
C'Lay-
Thanks for posting my victory speech I'm still basking in the glory of the championship run and the response has been overwhelming around the Upper Cumberland.
While I was surfing the channels the other night I thought I saw Mike Tirico judging some kind of reality tv show about fashion, modeling, or some other crap related to that.
I looked up who the judge was and I found his name to be Nole Marin and according to his Wikipedia he is openly gay and lives with his pet chihuahua, Empress Mini.
If this is not Tirico's body double it has to at least be his shorter, fatter, gayer sibling. Attached is a picture of Marin's SPNGD. (soul patch not getting it done)
Okay, you be the judge. Here's Tirico.
Here's Nole Marin.
Yeah, they're twins. Either that or Mike Tirico is playing both roles. How has no one ever mentioned this before? Both men have to get confused with one another all the time, right? How much does this piss off Tirico? If I ever meet him, first thing I'm saying is, I love your work Nole.
Paul E. writes:
Clay -
First of all, let me say it was a pleasure to meet you last night at the Vanderbilt-UT basketball game, sorry I did not greet you with the ClayNation hand sign. Congratulations on the win for the Vols.
Now to my main reason for emailing - my early exit of the game. I hate people who leave games early, and I am normally not part of the offending group. Last night, I met my Dad and brother at Dalt's for dinner before the game, and rode with them to the gym. They had a 2 hour drive home after the game, and it was their decision to leave with 2 minutes to go. Had this been a real game, like football, I would have stayed (no matter the score) until the final horn sounded, and walked back to Dalt's instead of leaving just because my ride was leaving.
Last night I broke the #1 rule of being a fan - to really enjoy the good times, you have to stick by your team even in the bad times. That is what made the Music City Bowl victory so sweet. I have stayed through an entire game of getting beat by UT 65-0, sat in the rain and getting beat by Wake 45-3 and too many other defeats to mention in football, so seeing my team raise a championship trophy was that much sweeter.
I did not want you to think less of me as a fan, so I offer this sorry excuse of why I left the game early.
Go Dores!
Wow. It's nice to be considered such a fan arbiter. Especially since I've christened my team the Great Wall of Vagina. Which, to be fair, is probably not very well received when it comes to fan decorum.
Brian T. writes:
Clay,
My wife claims that there is no way possible that the picture of the Kappa Alpha Thetas from Vanderbilt is a legit photo. She claims that if it was they would have their charter yanked. Is there any way to confirm the validity of this photo? It does not seem to appear on the official website of the sorority as far as I can tell. If the photo cannot be validated, should they not be disqualified? I’m not sure what the official ruling should be here.
GW Loses Game Thanks to Having Six Men On the Court
Situation: Your alma mater is up by 1 point, 61-60 with 21 seconds left in the game. Your team subs. Only no one comes out of the game. The officials call a technical foul against your team for having six men on the court. Your team loses as a result. Welcome to George Washington Colonials basketball.
After GW's Damian Hollis made a free throw to break a tie, Aaron Ware trotted onto the court to replace him. But Hollis did not realize he was being replaced and remained in play.
The Dayton coaching staff recognized the problem and attempted to alert the officiating crew. GW's Wynton Witherspoon also realized it and leapt over the seats across from the benches to get off the court. His effort was too late and a technical foul was called. Marcus Johnson made both free throws to give the Flyers (17-2, 3-1 Atlantic 10) their first lead since midway through the second half.
There were only 2,500 people in the crowd. Couldn't someone have just screamed out that there were six players on the court? This whole sequence personifies GW basketball in a nutshell.
This is the best/worst quote:
Said Witherspoon: "I saw somebody didn't have a man but everybody was covered. I said, 'Oh man, we've got six people on the court.' "
And now for your Thursday afternoon, Paternity Test Result Reactions
Thursday, January 22, 2009
I love the irony of the crotch swing in the direction of the woman who had the baby. Since we know the baby exists and, absent Maury uncovering a new Jesus, it's likely somebody on earth fathered the child, I can't get enough of these. Like I said, when Fox was born one of the first things I did was pump my fist and say, "Yes, he's white!"
Last year during training for the NFL Combine, Maury ran two consecutive weeks of who's the daddy shows. Every afternoon, just after lifting, me and 10-12 future NFL players would gather around the television in the locker room and watch this show. Before the results we'd vote on whether the person was the dad or not. Needless to say, I love Maury. So does every NFL player. See, we're not that different after all.
There are five other great reactions linked here. Go. You'll thank me later. Just be glad you aren't this white guy who believes that his clearly black son is actually his. Even though he knew his wife had an affair with a black guy. I can't stop picturing the Baptist church where this guy is doubtless a member on the couple's first day back. Everyone but this guy knew, right?
New Jersey Tech lost 51 straight basketball games. Including every game in the 2007-2008 season. Now, at long last, they've won a game. Beating Bryant University 61-51 (a double digit win!). Storming the Floor has the particulars on their losing streak. Enjoy.
As an aside, I'm in the process of nailing down the book this week, so if you notice prolonged periods of time where there's nothing from me. Blame the book. We're almost set on the cover. Which is pretty cool.
So if you have a choice between going to Gainesville or not, don't go. At least not until the Little Debbie cake production is up and running normally again.
If this strikes you as a particularly violent and unprovoked assault (especially in the wake of Florida allowing South Carolina's Fredrick to be left alone at the buzzer last night), you are correct. I plead guilty.
But this link about Gainesville and Little Debbie's came to me via reader Sayward. Never doubt the ability of mothers to know all things when it comes to salmonella poisoning and how it might impact their children.
Did I ever write about how close Little Debbie came to giving me a snack truck to distribute free cakes in Gainesville back in 2006? The company is actually based in Tennessee and they loved the idea of free snack cakes for Gator girls. The problem? They're Seventh Day Adventists. So they don't distribute their company snacks for the 24 hours from sundown on Friday to sundown on Saturday.
Yeah, I have no idea how they police this. Anyway, if Gainesville burns, you'll know why.
Andy Staples has been doing some great work over at SI.com. His latest piece is particularly entertaining. He's broken down where the players come from geographically. In particular he finds the following to be true:
In the process, the three most important factors in college football recruiting have become location, location and location. Now, the best players are more likely to stay close to home. That, combined with the U.S. population's shift to the south, has fundamentally changed the sport. Notre Dame and Nebraska have given way to programs such as LSU, the only BCS-conference team in a talent-rich state that borders equally talent-rich Texas and Mississippi.
An SI study of 2004-08 recruiting data for the 65 BCS-conference schools and Notre Dame revealed that programs which draw at least 50 percent of their players from within 200 miles or from within their home state stand a far better chance of winning consistently than those that did not. Of the nine schools that won 50 or more games from 2004-08, seven signed more than half their recruits during that span from within their state or from within 200 miles of campus: Texas (93.2% from in-state, 71.8 percent from within 200 miles), USC (72.0, 61.0), Georgia (63.6, 70.1), Florida (62.3, 47.9), Ohio State (55.8, 66.3), Virginia Tech (54.3, 44.0) and LSU (50.4, 56.5). Oklahoma barely missed the cut, with 49.1 percent from within 200 miles.
Read the article to also find out that Southern coaches spend lots of time recruiting against Northern schools by talking about how cold it will be up North. And that Nebraska lies and says they'll keep their players warm.
Also, and this is an early preview, but on the Tuesday ClayNation radio show we'll have my friend, and Meat Market author, Bruce Feldman to talk about his up-close view of the Ed Orgeron recruiting machine.
(Note: Katharine McPhee has nothing to do with football recruiting but I didn't feel like pulling a random picture off google images. I figured no one would complain. About a month ago I saw her out at the bar here in Nashville. I had no idea who she was but she's one of the best looking women I've ever seen.)
Did you know that Vanderbilt has a unique bench situation? Namely, that they're at the ends of the court instead of on the sideline? If you answered no to either of these questions then you're under the age of 1. Fox turns 1 in six days and even he already knows about Vandy's benches. This has to be the most overanalyzed fact in SEC basketball telecasts. In fact, I guarantee you that every televised Vanderbilt game for the past twenty years mentions this at least ten times. The worst part of this is that every announcer talks about this as if it's never been discussed before.
I'm always left wondering, who is watching the telecast and hearing this for the first time? Is there a single person on earth? Certainly every SEC basketball fan already knows about this. Presumably so does every other decent college basketball fan. Yet again and again, like nails on a chalkboard, it never stops.
Having said all that, last night was a clinic in basketball coaching. Want to know the impact that a coach can have in a game? Check out these stats.
In the first half Bruce Pearl had the Vols on defense in front of him. Vandy put up 20 points, made just five field goals, shot 18.5% from the field, and scored 8 of their points at the free throw line. Let me repeat that, save for 8 made free throws, the Great Wall of Vagina held Vandy to 12 first half points from the field. That's extraordinary.
Now, in the second half, Pearl had the UT offense in front of him. What did the Vols do? Shot 54% from the field, didn't take a single bad shot in the half, limited their offense to just four three point shots (all of which were wide open and two of which were made) and scored 48 points. What I'm getting at is something you already know, Bruce Pearl can flat out coach. And when he had the offense and defense in front of him, he got the best possible efforts out of his team in both instances. That's not happenstance. The Vol defense wasn't as good in the second half and their offense wasn't as good in the first half.
Pearl reacts upon being told that the topless pool on his cruise only features old chicks.
If someone actually wants to analyze the Vandy bench situation, I think comparing and contrasting how a coach does when the action is right in front of him and his team can hear everything he says and when they can't, would be a great statistical study. Arguably you could quantify the relative value of a coach's on-court instructions to his team. But that would require some depth of real analysis. It's much easier to spend ten minutes pointing out the unique bench situation. "Did you know"...shoot me...now.
On to several observations from the game.
1. I was at the game. In the second deck near midcourt. My section wasn't full and I felt pretty optimistic early on because the crowd wasn't that fired up. I've been to the last four games Vandy-UT games, and the difference in the atmosphere between this game and last year, for instance, was astounding. I saw several of y'all there, Dores and Vol fans both, thanks for throwing up the ClayNation hand sign, saying hello, and continuing to impress me with the intelligence of the overall readership. (Now, I'm going to stop sucking up to you.)
2. J.P. Prince shouldn't have been playing the past couple of weeks. The fact that he did speaks well for his toughness, but he wasn't himself. Last night was the first time I've seen Prince finish well at the rim or look like he's not favoring his ankles. That sprain he got on the elevated court at Temple probably cost Tennessee the second Gonzaga game. Now that Prince has returned, his jump shot is starting to look infinitely better. Whereas before Prince looked like he was trying to hit the basket support with his jumpers, now he looks like the backboard is the target. That's an improvement.
Am I the only person who pictures J.P. Prince wadding up a piece of paper and spending forty-five minutes trying to make it into a basket before he finally gives up and does a reverse lay-up into the trash can? 3. I came home and watched the game on DVR as well. Because I was so energized by what I thought was a great team effort. So I may have a couple of observations from television mixed in. Segueing to this: I have to say, Jimmy Dykes is borderline insane but he and Brad Nessler are rapidly becoming my favorite announcing duo. Why? Because Dykes is just ridiculous enough to come up with the idea of swearing in Tyler Smith and A.J. Ogilvie with the basketballs replacing the Bible. With the other players serving as secret service personnel to top off everything? What I love about this was how serious Tyler Smith was during the swearing in. You got the feeling he thought he was really being given the nuclear codes and the briefcase. I'd love to hear Tyler expound on Iran's pursuit of enriched uranium. But the key is even having the idea to begin with. You have to see the world from a bit of a skewed perspective.
4. If Wayne Chism/Brody Jenner isn't your favorite Vol player on this team, you prefer driving the speed limit on the interstate, admire Joseph E. Johnston's defensive maneuvers as he retreated in front of Atlanta, and wish college basketball would remove the shot clock so the four-corners offense could continue to thrive. Put simply, you're a pussy. Honestly, Chism/Jenner is incredibly entertaining to watch. He's my favorite Vol in the last decade. Yep, even more than Lofton.
Plus the ripping off the headband move is right up there with Hulk Hogan tearing off his t-shirt. If I was eight years old, I'd probably wear my headband and rip it off just like Chism. The only positive about this is that your mom doesn't yell at you for ripping up your new t-shirt doing a Hulk Hogan impersonation at Vacation Bible School.
5. The "Ness We Can" poster is why you send your kid to Vandy. Because he's smart enough to design that poster and come up with the idea, and execute it. That was golden in a way that signs in crowds are rarely golden. Having said that, I've heard sad rumors that Vandy undergrads are becoming ugly. I saw some bad evidence of that in the crowd when I watched the game. How bad was it? There wasn't even a college girl Bruce Pearl would take boating. 6. The Great Wall of Vagina defense was not in evidence tonight. I'd like to think it was because we've turned the corner as a defensive basketball team, but Vandy is pretty awful on offense. So I think it was a combination of Tennessee being better on defense and Vandy being pretty bad. In the second half the Dores got some good looks from outside but couldn't make them. Overall Vandy shot 6-23 from three. The only other team that shoots that bad from three in conference is us. Having said that, the guys who did make the shots for Vandy were not their top shooters. In particular some guy named Steve Tchiengang was 2-2. (By the way, Steve? There's no way this is his real name. No way.) That's encouraging because it suggests the GWOV defense was able to lock down the top shooters. Vandy's two most dangerous shooters, Jermaine Beal and Brad Tinsley were just 2-10 from outside.
I was also more disappointed in the defense when I got home and watched this game on DVR. In the second half Vandy got much better looks from outside, several wide open. So our defense is still a work in progress. It may be early but let me know what battlefield promotion I can give if we deserve to move up from the Great Wall of Vagina. The Bikini Nip Slips? The Charge of the Cameltoe Brigade? I don't know. I'm open to suggestions. 7. Someone needs to make a youtube compilation of Wayne Chism's fouls this year. Leaving aside the technical foul, does anyone get screwed more consistently by the officials? I'm starting to think that Chism ran a train on the head of SEC officials' daughter during the offseason. Seriously, for a big man, Chism gets called for more touch fouls and away from the ball fouls than I've ever seen. It's uncanny. In fact, if he wanted to get some attention to how ludicrous this treatment is, Pearl should have a staffer make this video and post it on youtube. At least it would make officials think twice before blowing their whistles when Chism lightly grazes a guard with his hip near the three point line.
8. Is anyone else still nervous about Bobby Maze? I'm not so much nervous about his talent as I am about his inability to play the game at any speed other than fast. I think we're going to find out that this can be a very good half-court basketball team. But Maze isn't a half-court point guard right now. Even when Tennessee was trying to run clock Maze was crossing over his man and driving into the lane. Last night he finished with 4 points, 2 rebounds, 3 assists, and 2 turnovers in 24 minutes. At times we ran just as good of offense sets with, jaw-dropping here, Josh the human turnover Tabb. If, and this is a huge if, Maze can learn to play at different speeds, then this team can be very, very good. If he can't, we're still going to struggle an awful lot.
How is it possible that Maze has gone his entire basketball career without developing different gears of speed? Look at the best point guards (Nash, Williams, and Paul) they're not as fast as Maze (he's amazingly fast), but they can use different speeds to get where they need to go on the court. Which is much more important than being able to cross over your man on every possession. 9. During halftime Junaid asks me if I've bought up BGID.com (by the way, whoever passed me in the hallway and screamed out "BGID," after the game a tip of the beaver pelt to you good sir) and ClayNation.com. I pointed out that ClayNation.com was being cybersquatted (probably to extort Clay Aiken). Junaid suggested I challenge him to a death match over the moniker. I feel pretty confident about winning this. What's crazier? I couldn't think of any celebrity I'd rather fight to the death. (Women, children, those much older than me, and those with handicaps of any sort excluded.) Seriously, who's better if you had to fight to the death than Clay Aiken?
10. This conversation then moved into a discussion about duels. How amazing and underdiscussed were duels? Duels are the complete opposite of the Vandy gym set-up. No one talks about them. Ever.
Can you imagine if you had to take a pistol, walk ten paces, turn, and shoot at another guy? What's more, what if you had to do that after knowing that the duel was coming for a few months in advance? And all because somebody called your sister a slut.
Seriously, what if your sister was a slut back then? Flashing her bare ankles all over town. What if you knew it too? All your buddies came over and privately joked about the intimate details of your sister's ankle, "Oh, man, your sister's ankle is so white and round." But then someone publicly called your sister a slut and you had to risk your life defending her "honor."
The most ludicrous thing about a duel to me was when you fired your weapon and you missed. You know what you had to do then?
You had to stand there and wait for the other person to shoot you. How brave is that?
Old school Southerners fought duels to the death. Now we cancel school when it's too cold outside. God, we suck.
11. I know I said we would send him back to the state of Kentucky for a case of bourbon, but if Scotty Hopson can keep taking the ball to the basket, I might bump that up to four hot sorority girls. Hopson looked decent in the second half last night. His drained three as he was fouled was one of the turning points of the game. Of course he followed that up with a free-throw that he put off the backboard, but, still, not bad. Same thing with following up Tyler Smith's missed front-end on the one-and-one with a slam. Maybe Scotty has hope after all. I'd feel much better about him if he called a press conference and announced that he was doing away with the name Scotty and henceforth would be known as S'cott. To be pronounced Ascot.
Oh yes it is true. Also note the quote in the 2nd paragraph which talks about the how popular Rich Brooks is. The quote says: “The Books Fans have spoken.” Well apparently they have also screwed up their coach’s name. Nothing shows how much you like a coach by taking the time to send out a press release and then completely screwing up his name.
I do have to wonder though will the truck do very well earlier on, and then suck ass once you have had a little while? Hell it might completely just break down if it every enters Knox County Tennessee.
In case you're wondering the truck is being released on 1/23/09 to celebrate Kentucky's 1, 2. and 3 consecutive bowl wins. This beat the prior idea which was to release it on 1/24/09 to celebrate Kentucky's 24 straight losses to Tennessee.
Also, I'm no marketing expert but why is there a close-up of the front headlight of the truck and such a small picture of Rich Brooks in the left corner? Is this front headlight completely different than every other front headlight?
Am I the only one who can't wait for the Billy Gillispie version? It will come replete with a retractable beer cooler (vanishes on sight of blue lights) and binoculars so Billy G. can spy on 7th graders playing basketball without having to worry about committing a recruiting violation.
I'll be at tonight's game. Rooting for the Great Wall of Vagina in the relatively rare straight pick'em against Vandy. Don't kid yourselves, this game is huge for both teams. Lose and Vandy falls to 1-3 in conference. At 1-3 Vandy would have to run off a 9-3 finish to get to 10 conference wins. That would be unlikely to say the least.
On the flip side if the Great Wall of Vagina can manage to pull out a win (see what I did there?) all of a sudden the team is 3-1 with three consecutive home games upcoming. Win the two conference games, the team is 5-1 and the Jodie Meeks scoring explosion doesn't feel as bad.
Yep, this is the quintessential swing game. Hopefully Wayne Chism/Brody Jenner will hang more than 0 points on the Dores. Should be fun/painful.
Yesterday in between bench press reps at the downtown Y, Tardio made the bold claim that the Willis McGahee hit would have killed either of us. I disagreed. But it did leave me really wondering about this. How much difference does it make that McGahee was a highly trained athlete? Does being in better shape offer protection on a hit like this? Is it possible to be decapitated on a football field?
If you've ever wondered what life would be like a closet homosexual man, head to a Baptist Church on Wednesday night. I'm kidding, kidding...kind of. One of the funniest ways my wife has ever described someone was a few weeks ago when she described a guy we know thusly: "He's either gay or really religious. I can't tell." Anyway, the Senior Bowl has arrived and someone's job is to write body descriptions of nearly naked men. Enjoy.
Here are a few standouts:
Nathan Brown- Central Arkansas- "Small, soft and ordinary."
John Parker Wilson- "Looks like he's never seen a weightroom."
James Davis- "Broad Shoulders and nice uppper body."
Arian Foster- "Firm with good muscle tone."
Mike Wallace- "Surprisingly big upper body."
Shawn Wilson- "Rangy and impressive top to bottom."
Xavier Fulton- "Carries weight in butt and upper legs."
B.J. Raji- "Stocky fireplug with huge butt."
Seriously, if you find yourself ever writing "stocky fireplug with a huge butt" while you're gazing upon a nearly naked man, don't you need to find a new line of work? (By the way, that's B.J. Raji pictured above. You can't tell it from the picture but he's got a huge butt. Also, evidently he has a twin eagle that recently lost the ability to fly. That's the only reason for this morose picture to be taken,)
Today's a special day in the South. At least in Nashville. We've shut down the schools because it's too cold outside. Seriously...too cold. It's sunny and there isn't an ounce of precipitation in the midstate area. Thank God Fox isn't old enough to have to listen to his mom's Michigan winter war stories.
To help warm y'all up, linked above are the Thetas from Vanderbilt. They're in the ClayNation sorority bracket.
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Jodie Meeks. There's really not an argument otherwise.
On to All That and a Bag of Mail:
Ad-am P'otts writes:
C'lay,
1) I had a job interview here in Chicago last week. As I was waiting, I struck up a conversation with the receptionist. Turns out she is a recent LSU grad. As a UK grad, I obviously made a back-handed compliment about them winning the National Championship last year. She took the bait and started talking about how awesome it was to win that. My reply: "Yeah, I'm surprised that happened. I was at the UK game that year when we smoked them in OT." That was followed by awkward silence until (being a true Southern woman) she laughed and came back with a comment about the 49-0 whupping they put on us two years ago.
You will really appreciate this next part. It turns out this girl BABYSAT FOR LES MILES! I immediately ask about his hat, and she bursts out laughing. It turns out that those hats are specially made by Nike. Apparently, Miles has an oddly shaped head and regular hats don't look good on him. It wasn't an issue at Oklahoma State, but Nike decided to do something about it when he got to LSU. This girl says they come right to the house. I attached a couple pictures, but I really can't tell the difference...
2) Do you think Tim Tebow is a virgin? My friends are 50-50 on this topic. It is hard to imagine a guy in that position at that school wouldn't be just crushing it, but it is equally hard to imagine a guy like that actively picking up a chick. He just seems too good. Thoughts?
I'm taking these in reverse order. My friends have also been wondering the same thing about Tebow. I wish Chris Meyers had asked him this in the post-game celebration. I'm convinced he is a virgin. Because if he'd ever had sex in his life there's no way the girl wouldn't have gotten pregnant. Assuming he is a virgin, shouldn't there be some sort of Tebow-bodyguard squad that can service the women instead? Like all the rich gel-haired guys at UF pay to be selected for this group and then the women who want to sleep with Tebow sleep with these guys instead. They could sell the places on the bodyguard staff and use the proceeds to fund Filipino circumcisions. Everyone would win--Tebow remains a virgin but Filipino boys don't have to worry about their foreskins. And there's more sex in Gainesville.
As for Les Miles and his head, that's the kind of hard-hitting investigative journalism that there needs to be more of. I love that the babysitter is so well-versed in Les Miles' headware. You should have asked her if she ever snooped around underneath his bed after the kids fell asleep. I'm convinced this is what would be under his bed:
a. a samurai sword b. a signed copy of the Jackass II DVD c. his Bang Bus password d. a tackle box full of his collection of Vietnamese balls
He and his sisters, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell have been removed from their home by the state of New Jersey. Seems as though a doctor says that naming your children after 3rd Reich figures can be construed as child abuse.
You being a Civil War buff, would naming a child confederate names be the same thing?
Poor Adolf Hitler Campbell. If there's any justice in the world, while you're whiling away your time in the state of New Jersey's custody you'll write a coloring book version of Mein Kampf.
If you liked Mein Kampf you'll love The Catcher in the Rye, The Origin of Species, the Schindler's List DVD, The Autobiography of Malcolm X, The Old Man and the Sea and The Great Gatsby. Thank God Dixieland Delight wasn't on there.
As for the Confederate angle, it would only happen if you named a son after Braxton Bragg. Otherwise you're golden.
David G. writes:
C'Lay Saw this article on foxnews.com regarding living on island for 6 months in Australia (for free) and getting paid to stroll the white sands, take pictures and blog about your experiences. Sounds right up ClayNation alley. Only catch is you'd miss the 2009 college football season. As a lifelong Gator fan, I can't miss Tebow's senior season. But as a Vol fan, you can, as the imminent loss in Gainesville (9/19/09) will be less painful living like this. And maybe one could get the lovely Erin G. to join in the fun. On second thought, I could easily be persuaded to miss Tebow's last year if they include her in the deal.
Australia Offers 'Best Job in World' On Paradise Island SYDNEY - Position: Island caretaker. Duties: Lazing around Australia's Great Barrier Reef for six months. Salary: $105,000. Unemployed, take heart - the aforementioned job ad is for real. Billing it the "Best Job in the World," the tourism department in Australia's Queensland state on Tuesday said it was seeking one lucky person to spend half a year relaxing on Hamilton Island, part of the country's Whitsunday Islands, while promoting the island on a blog. The "island caretaker" will be expected to stroll the white sands, soak up the sun, snorkel the reef, "maybe clean the pool" - and report to a global audience via weekly blogs, photo diaries and video updates. The winner, who will stay rent-free in a multimillion-dollar three-bedroom beach home complete with pool and golf cart, must be an excellent communicator and be able to speak and write in English. "They'll also have to talk to media from time to time about what they're doing so they can't be too shy and they'll have to love the sea, the sun, the outdoors," said acting state Premier Paul Lucas. "The fact that they will be paid to explore the islands of the Great Barrier Reef, swim, snorkel and generally live the Queensland lifestyle makes this undoubtedly the best job in the world." Lucas said the campaign was part of a drive to protect the state's 18 billion Australian dollar a year tourism industry during the tough economic climate caused by the global financial meltdown. While the campaign has elements of some reality television shows, a candidate's looks will not be a prime requirement, Tourism Queensland chief executive Anthony Hayes told AFP. "No, I don't think beautiful is what we want, I think charismatic is what we want," he said. "The reality is we are looking for a fantastic communicator. "What we want this person to do is travel throughout the Great Barrier Reef and just try every experience, every adventure they can find and report back via blogs and video to tell the world why Queensland is a great place to come for a holiday." Tourism Minister Desley Boyle said some people might question whether it was risky to let an unknown person become an unofficial tourism spokesperson for the state. "I think the biggest risk will be that the successful candidate won't want to go home at the end of the six months," she said. "This is a legitimate job which is open to anyone and everyone." Applications are open until February 22. Eleven shortlisted candidates will be flown to Hamilton Island in early May for the final selection process and the six month contract will commence on July 1. Job-seekers can apply at Islandreefjob.com
I just know the person who wins this is going to get eaten by a great white shark. Know it. I've lived on an island before, but it would definitely be cool to live on an Australian island. Especially because you know you'd have a good internet connection so all you've got to do is figure out the time difference and you could keep up with all the SEC games anyway. Also I'd have to confirm that Fox and Lara can come live with me. Either that or Elin Grindemyr would have to come. I'm sure my wife would be cool with that.
What's even more entertaining about this contest than daydreaming about being selected is looking at the application videos that have been uploaded. I'm throwing my support behind China's Yong Da.
I can't tell you how addictive watching these videos is. Send me your favorites. I can't watch them all.
Charles M. writes:
I have included my C.A.R. Panel status on my resume for summer associate positions. I figure it will either hit a home run with a fellow reader or it will be overlooked like the other extracurricular activities.
If required to verify my status, you know in the event that they don't believe me, would you comment on the service contributed to the C.A.R.? Make something up.
Yes, I will smile and lie. I may even say that we've signed up to build houses for Habitat for Humanity. Everyone claims to do this already. It's impossible to prove we're lying. By the way, this goes for anything y'all put on your legal resume that doesn't involve the law. If I'm contacted for any reason I'll make you all sound like a latter day Learned Hand.
Mind Your Bidness writes:
I heard you on the radio today. I played D1 basketball and professionally in Europe. I know basketball. You would probably know who I am but because of my professional position I will remain anonymous. I will not talk specifics or strategy cause I do not have the time. I would ask you to do this. You said the SEC is bad in basketball. Maybe...maybe not. Forget the RPI. At this point it means nothing. At times it never is reflective of anything. The rankings? Forget about it. I prefer to look at what have you done. In non conference games (you can find this on espn.com) the SEC was I believe 5-8 vs the Top 25. The ACC was 5-7. That could be reversed. Of course it only matters when you look at who you beat and/or lost to in the last rankings. But we can look at this for the moment. Next, signature wins. The SEC has Texas, Oklahoma, Baylor, Georgetown, Marquette. Some of the bottom feeders went on the road to ACC schools and either won or played very tight games. The signature wins in the ACC are not as good as the SEC's. WOW, I bet you have never looked at it as what HAVE you done. Well you say the ACC has more pro players. According to all the mock drafts, the ACC and SEC are about equal. Some have the ACC with 1 more and some the SEC with one more. The SEC has done very little in the post season as a conference since the 2005 UNC title. The SEC has done much more this decade than the ACC. Winning %, number of National Champions, draft picks, head to head, Final Fours etc. Everyone wants to automatically stereotype things. Many do this with this argument. Look it up and do some research. Stop relying on RPIs and popularity rankings. Neither is very indicative. Remember, fear the Harvard.
Bidness, appreciate the email. The SEC doesn't have a ranked team right now and is currently the 7th best conference in America. Behind the Mountain West. What's more, Tennessee and Ole Miss are the only schools in the entire conference that played a top 90 out of conference schedule. See it here. And Andy Kennedy's wife just filed a lawsuit against a Muslim cabdriver because her husband wouldn't have sex with him anymore-- I think Ole Miss's season might have peaked.
It's not just that the teams are not very good, it's that they're not going to get many quality wins against each other. Tennessee at 29 is the highest RPI team. That's a horrible sign.
So forgive me if I'm not that optimistic that the SEC is going to get many teams in the big dance.
Just to clarify, are you minding yo bidness by emailing me? Am I minding yours? I'm so confused.
Russ G. writes:
I still think Tommie Frazier was better than Tebow...now if Tebow comes back for his senior year and wins another NC, that's a different story. Tebow, by all accounts already has better stats, but you've got to think about the players Tebow has on his team compared to the players on the mid-nineties Nebraska teams. Tom Osbourne never had a recruiting class that would be considered a Rivals "Top 25" class by today's standards.
Also, you've got to consider that Frazier was out of most games by the third quarter and that offenses have become a lot more "stat friendly" with the evolution of the spread. Frazier led Nebraska to three straight title games, winning two in a row to end his career. Tebow has won two, but not as a starter. Frazier's senior season, the closest game Nebraska played was 35-14 against Washington State...they trailed for like 10 minutes that entire season. Frazier also came within a missed 45-yard FG to winning the championship against FSU his soph. year, and was still named MVP of the NC game despite losing 18-16...a lot of people forget this. Frazier won the NC MVP THREE times...the only player in history to do so. Oh by the way, he did this all with a serious blood clot in one of his legs and while suffering from Crohn's disease. If he played today, the media wouldn't shut up about his efforts and character, much like Tebow. unfortunately for Frazier, he played in middle of nowhere Nebraska, right before the Internet started to really take off, ESPN Gameplan was virtually unheard of, and the average college football fan had about 5-7 games total to watch in a given weekend. Are the SEC defenses Tebow plays against better? Absolutely. But look at some of the names Frazier is throwing to...Alford, Baul, Gilman, Vedral...not exactly NFL talent.
Also, Frazier won his 1st NC against a defense with Ray Lewis and Warren Sapp leading the way. Not an easy task by any means. Tebow is absolutely a great college football player, but I feel like he needs to stick around one more year to be considered in the talk about the greatest of all time. At least take five and a half minutes of your time and check out Frazier's highlights below. I say this as an devout SEC fan (UT Grad '07) and an avid hater of all arguments against recent SEC supremacy. I also sent you two links to the results of Nebraska's championship seasons with Tommie. Like your stuff and I'm looking forward to "On Rocky Top." By the way, I'm the guy that suggested the Claynation Steeplechase tailgate on the liveblog the other night. I suggest you put Tardio in charge of making daiquiris for the women...then pouring his out when it gets too strong.
Also one note of UT interest, Josh Briscoe's facebook status last night was "we should have been there if not for the SLAWffense...worst OC ever." My roommate and I found that pretty entertaining. Apparently he was getting a little heat for it in Knoxville.
Begin with the most important part, the idea of a ClayNation tailgate at Steeplechase is extraordinary. I just wish the book was going to be out by then and this could be the book launch party. When it's three degrees outside Steeplechase can't get here fast enough.
As for Frazier, I respect the opinion, but completely disagree. You can't argue that Frazier had no receivers at Nebraska. They had none because they never throw the ball. That's a system issue.
And I just don't buy the argument that because Tebow didn't start in 2006, that national title should count any less. Find me a single Florida fan who believes that the Gators win the national title without Tebow in 2006 and we'll talk.
I'll put it this way, how many of y'all reading right now would pick Frazier to be the quarterback of your favorite team over Tebow? I think that seals it. Put simply, all you have to do is select Tebow or Frazier to helm your college team. Raise your hand if you're taking Frazier. It's not just us either.
I don't think any ooach in America would pick Frazier. Also, I think you're devaluing that 1995 Nebraska team. Frazier had Ahman Green and Lawrence Phillips to hand off too. Not to mention one of the best offensive lines in college football history. As if that weren't enough, wikipedia includes this fact on Frazier's own page, "In a 2006 ESPN.com poll, the results of which aired on SportsCenter, the 1995 Nebraska team was voted the best college team of all time." Now voting isn't determinative, but I think it's pretty significant.
Finally, I also heard Briscoe went on the radio and slammed Clawson and his offense. Based on what I saw, heard, and have already written, this isn't surprising in the least. Back to the Tebow position, soon, I'll break down why I think he's the greatest college football player of my life as a fan. (I'm not going to compare him to players I've never seen play before.)
Courtesy of Hank R. comes a remade cover of Man the Book. With influences from Britney Spears, Bruce Pearl, the Great Wall of Vagina, Ansel Adams, and Jodie Meeks.
Spectacular.
And spectacularly painful.
This should be a slide during the perimeter defense practice.
By the way, has anyone else thought that with his androgynous name Jodie Meeks sounds like he should be kicking field goals for Kentucky? Given the field goal struggles of the Wildcats they might want to look into that.
I was laughing until I thought, this is how the end of football season makes me feel.
Courtesy of reader Josh B.:
You know how if the head of a company or a coach or politician (unless you are from Illinois) will resign if something terribly embarrassing happens under their watch? After seeing this, I really think it is time for North Carolina to man up and do something about these hippies encroaching on southern territory or else resign as a member of "The South", if you will.
If no action is taken, I propose that a coalition of South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, and Virginia begin talks for a containment fence.
Or at the very least, a self-sanctioned penalty or something.
This is why North Carolina lost their first two ACC basketball games. I can't prove it of course. But every North Carolinian knows it in their heart.
JP/LF/Raycom Advertises for 45 Year Old Woman Who Has Never Had Orgasm
Chris C. writes:
Clay,
As we come to an end of the wonderful SEC coverage by a special group of people who can only be described as "incredibly incompetent", it seems even the television stations showing the SEC basketball games are special as well. Today, for the Tennessee at Georgia game, WFLI channel 53 here in Chattanooga had the following on the screen for the first 5 minutes of their coverage:
“I am a 45-year old woman, married for 24 years, and I don't think I've ever had an orgasm! Instead – I've faked hundreds of them…my husband would be devastated to know that I have faked it, but I am ready to break the silence and move forward in achieving my full orgasmic potential.”
Of course, once the actual game came on, it was in wonderful non-HD with incredible bad color balance and camera work that did nothing to allow you to actually follow what was happening in the game. Not to mention Joe Dean Jr. and his overuse of “string music.”
Now, you may not believe this, so I have also attached a screenshot of this incredible event.
JP, Lincoln Financial, Raycom, the name changes, the woeful coverage continues.
Just had to share.
Can anyone else in Chattanooga confirm this? The only thing better would have been if this message was signed A. Judd.
Theoretically this was probably a Chattanooga television station error, but we'll lay the blame squarely at the feet of JP/LF/Raycom.
Occasionally mailbag questions are so mind-blowing that they deserve to be discussed in solitary posts. Such is the case now.
From Michael Wyrick comes this question:
I was watching the UT-Kentucky game last night and was wondering am I crazy or does Wayne Chism look like a black Brody Jenner? I attached a photo of Chism to try and provide some evidence.
That photo is linked above. Now here comes Brody Jenner.
If you don't know who Brody Jenner is, here is his wikipedia page. And this is the best part:
A February 2007 profile of Jenner in Details magazine, which was based on interviews both with Jenner and former manager Spencer Pratt, suggested that his fame has been carefully contrived by Pratt's intentional and strategic manipulations of the media. The article suggests, for instance, that Jenner dated Nicole Richie on Pratt's insistence that it would win him publicity. The article quotes Pratt advising Jenner:
"All right, then here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna start dating Nicole Richie. And you're gonna get that skinny bitch to eat, all right? You are about to become "The Guy Who Got Nicole Richie to Eat". Process that shit, bro. You'll be, like, a hero to America."
I hate to admit it but I'm starting to admire Spencer Pratt.
But back to the question, I can see this. I think you're incredibly weird for initially seeing the similarity, but you're right--Brody Jenner has a black doppelganger who wears headbands and occasionally steps outside to hit threes. Chism needs his shot to go on Bromance. Of course this also makes Brody Jenner the white Wayne Chism. Which, to be fair, is even more entertaining than Chism as the black Brody Jenner.
Lane Kiffin Throwing SEC Elbows, Making Assistant Coaches Rich
Lane Kiffin's strategy of forgoing big initial money for himself to bring in an extremely talented coaching staff just claimed its newest chess piece--Lance Thompson from Alabama. A UT plane touched down on Thursday morning and picked up Thompson in Tuscaloosa. By now he's already back in Knoxville working the phones. Welcome to the 21st century SEC coaching wars, where the lieutenants in charge of next year's players are always just a phone call away from a better payday.
In a league as competitive as the SEC, Kiffin and the Vols have stolen an early march on their league counterparts--paying assistant coaches more money than they've been receiving in the past. Auburn and Gene Chizik have also been pursuing a similar gameplan. In theory this is something that should have happened long ago (have you ever looked at the pay for offensive and defensive coordinators and wondered why they get paid 1/10th as much as the head coach?) I always wondered about this. It made no logical sense. Well, those days are over.
About ten days ago Kiffin offered Rodney Garner big money to leave Georgia and sign back on with the Vols. Ultimately Garner declined and took less money to stay in Georgia. Kiffin has been stalking Billy Gonzales of Florida in a similar fashion. And his first move was to snag Reaves from South Carolina. The moves were important because they showed that Kiffin was bringing NFL style gamesmanship to the SEC--turn every coach into a potential turncoat, every recruiter into a mercenary going after the best paycheck. In the process steal the best talent from your opponents.
Now Lance Thompson, Rivals' recruiter of the year in 2008 after he landed 6 four star commitments and 2 five stars (including Julio Jones) for Alabama, is headed to Tennessee. Barely three weeks from signing day. Why is this important? Thompson already has three five-star commits this year and is working hard on two others.
Check it out for yourself. The SEC is about to get even more competitive. A while back I speculated that the best recruiters had the best looking wives. We've all seen Layla. But now we know that Lane isn't limiting his recruiting to players. He's going after coaches as well.
As usual I've been late on announcing our winner. But, as promised, he's been given the opportunity to make a victory proclamation. Before we get to that, here's the final top ten of the bowl challenge. This is fairly impressive considering that 236 of you took the time to register. I've tried to include the number of correct picks below. As you can see, the best anyone did was 24 out of the 34 games. And we weren't even picking against spreads. So you can see how hard this was.
Here's our final top ten:
1 Vols Bitch 24 of 34 2 Shaw's Ugly Fucklings 24 of 34 3 '08-'09 B'owls 24 of 34 4 732 Andrew C 22 of 34 5 Fried Okra 24 of 34 6 Peter's Picks 21 of 34 7 plastered im4tasers 23 of 34 8 Voltan Vols ratmjuan 22 of 34 9 Athens - where boobs are fun 10 big un's
I came in a robust 15th.
As promised here's a final tally of the best names included in the competition. These are in no particular order:
Athens--where boobs are fun (the rare double dip on name and victory)
Cam Newton's laptop
Crompton's right arm
Pink Dolphin Power
Layla Kiffin's Pool Boy (Layla Kiffin's Milksacks) and (laylakismyfuturexwife) honorable mentions in the Layla Kiffin category
Richt hearts the tannning bed
Spencer Pratt loves his nana
Andy Kennedy's cabbie
Lauren Bowden's photographer
DTFI (which, of course, is an acronym for Dialed the Fuck In)
Clay Travis' Cargo Shorts (I don't even know what this means, but it sounds like it could be funny)
Thanks to all who played. Now on to your winner, the eloquent Vols Bitch: C'lay-
I thought I would go ahead and accept the championship trophy from Ja'Larry Bird's Disciples Bowl Pick'em Challenge. I knew it was time as I saw Slick Shelley slip in for six propelling the Golden Hurricanes to victory. (I don't blame Slick for transferring, no way he could beat out AR21 or Briscoe)
I'd just like to thank God for everything I've been blessed with, especially, my hatred for the cheating, scum of the earth, inbred crimson tide. I'd have to say the Utah victory was the turning point for Vols Bitch. I went ahead and picked Oklahoma in the championship game cause it is against my religion to pick, cheer for, or even compliment Jean Short U.
Just a quick story during my 3 paragraphs of fame.. Went over to my aunt and uncles house for Christmas and my 10 year old cousin was shootin hoops in the yard with one of the neighbors when i hear my cousin, Drake say to his opponent, "You're a gator fan, aren't you? Gators wear jean shorts." Probably one of my proudest moments. It's just an honor to be such a big influence on a young child.
Sorry if my calculations are wrong and I end up losing the Bowl Pick'em you can still post this and make fun of me. I'm just a Tennessee fan with Mountain Damn Values not a mathematician from Vandy.
Barack Obama Inaugural Ball Meets AFC Championship Game
Chris V. writes:
Hey Clay -- Yesterday, my fiancee's family was purchasing tickets for an inaugural ball to be held on Sunday night (starting at 7:30), and she needed to make a split second decision on whether to get a ticket for me, and she erred in favor of including me. After she told me this, I explained to her that this means that I will be forced to miss the AFC Championship game. I subsequently sent an e-mail to the ball organizers, asking if they would have a television on airing the Baltimore-Pittsburgh game. She acted as though this was the craziest thing that I ever did, and the sign of a football addiction. I told her that it would surprise me if the ball organizers had not already received several inquiries along the same lines, and that 90% of the males at the ball will be constantly checking the score on their phone/blackberry (particularly since in the DC area, everyone in the front-running public is jumping onto the Ravens bandwagon). I tried making the analogy of her being forced to miss the Oscars, but she told me that I could DVR the game (such as she has done with the Oscars). She also brought up that I was not a fan of either team, and she did not seem to understand the general importance of the game, transcending fandom.
Were my actions reasonable/unreasonable? And is there any way to explain/capture the importance of watching the game live to a non-football fan?
(P.S. If you post this, please do not use my last name.)
Wow, inaugural ball conflicts. See, we do have a high-end audience after all. Okay, first a refresher course, I'll admit I've been to an inaugural ball. They suck unless you're really rich. Otherwise it's like the prom for old, fat men and their old, fat wives. Of course I went to the George Washington University inaugural ball. The only thing I really remember about this was that I got drunk, climbed onto the top of a buffet table and pretended to fornicate with an ice sculpture of a hippo while wearing a tuxedo. Somewhere there's a picture of this.
Also, just like prom, you were supposed to buy a corsage for your date. Only no one told me this. Not even my roommate. And we were living in an efficiency which meant it was almost impossible to hide anything in our place. Only his girlfriend (now wife) shows up at our place, he walks into our kitchen (which you could see from anywhere in the efficiency), opens the refrigerator, and says, "Here's your corsage." Right in front of my then-girlfriend.
She turns to look at me and says, "You didn't get me a corsage?"
I couldn't believe he didn't tell me.
The highlight of the evening (other than me fake fornicating with an ice hippo) was when GW paid a George Bush impersonator to arrive at the ball and tell jokes from the stage. It was awful. There are like 25 inaugural balls and the President makes it to very few of them. So you go to a celebration for someone who doesn't even come to the party themselves. So stupid.
Anyway, back to the question at hand, I think this is entirely reasonable on your part to ask about. What's more, I think intelligent football fans get discriminated against more than unintelligent football fans. Your average idiot fan wouldn't even think to email the organizers and ask this. You did. I think this is fine.
Further, as a football fan you have the right to want to watch this game. Particularly because it's likely the de facto Super Bowl. I think whoever wins between the Ravens and the Steelers will be champs. So your actions were reasonable. As for how to capture the importance of this event to a non-fan, ask your fiancee to DVR the inauguration instead of watching it live. If she's a huge political junkie she'll hate this. Better yet, tell her if you have to DVR the AFC Championship (which, by the way, it will be impossible to avoid the score of at a front-running DC ball), then she has to DVR the results of the 2010 midterm elections and not watch them until 24 hours later. That might work.
Godspeed.
(As an aside, after several of you have written asking me to kill your last names, we have a new policy on email, if you want your full name used, tell me. Otherwise I'm going first name first initial. Unless you write hate mail. Then your full name, profession, and any other identifying details I choose to see fit to include remain fair game.)
More On Last Night's Awfulness: Great Wall of Vagina Strikes Anew
A new dawn has arrived for the 2008-2009 Vol basketball team (aka The Great Wall of Vagina) and hopefully they're reading the ridiculing of their performance last night. If I were Bruce Pearl I wouldn't allow a basketball to be used in practice for the next two days. I'd go old school. I might even bring in Eric Berry and let him talk to my team full of big-talking vaginas so they'd have some idea what an actual man looks like.
In fact, I'll go this far: I believe that if Tennessee simply put Eric Berry in a basketball uniform and told him to follow Meeks everywhere he went on the floor and play hard defense that Meeks wouldn't have gotten 54 last night. I really do. Because Berry has something these guys don't, toughness, pride, and he doesn't quit. Also, if Berry was getting lit up worse than any defensive team had in the past ten years (more on that later), I don't think he'd still be talking.
Making him different than the Great Wall of Vagina all-star team that kept trash-talking until the final minute of the game. Cue Patrick Patterson: "I wouldn't be talking at all," Patterson said. "My mouth would be shut. Especially when a guy's got 54 in your own gym. They can talk all they want. Jodie's shots speak for themselves." Somehow this doesn't surprise me at all. UT's players are much better at talking about how good they are than actually proving it.
Other things that jumped out at me about the game:
1. I watched this game with two UK grads, Tardio and his roommate Keven. And you thought watching it where you did was tough. Try rooting for the Great Wall of Vagina while Jodie Meeks goes Genghis Khan on the lot of them. I'm really starting to question what I've done to justify this string of bad luck. I have to watch my team collapse via 12 football games, GW, who I still root for, has lost six in a row including a loss to someone called Longwood, then I go to the Titans epic playoff loss on Sunday, and now the UT men's basketball team gives up more points to a single player in an SEC game than has happened since 1970. It's enough to make a fan want to curl up in the fetal position and sleep until this basketball season is over. At least I wasn't there to watch this in person. Which I very nearly was. Thank God for small victories.
2. How was Tennessee a 7 point favorite in this game? Honestly, that's one of the dumbest lines I have ever seen. I wish I'd put my house on Kentucky. Do yourself a favor and take Vandy in one week at Memorial Gym. No matter what the line is. One of Vandy's players will go for 35. Book it.
3. Someone identify the tool who was doing the Gator Chomp during the Pat Summitt interview. (By the way, did we really need to see the Lady Vols upcoming schedule during this game. Or have Summitt on as a guest for a half-hour?) Because once this guy is interviewed I want internet justice meted out. Namely, who he is, where he works, what his email address is, and why he felt compelled to make a complete and total ass of himself on television. Then I want us to exact revenge on him. If this sounds like I'm making this guy a scapegoat because I can't stomach watching the The Great Wall of Vagina play basketball anymore, then that's completely accurate.
4. Meeks went off for 54. Yeah, that sucks. But you know who else has gone off on the Vols defense this year for their career high? Everyone. From Dionte Christmas of Temple to Matt Bouldin of Gonzaga, from Sherron Collins of Kansas to Alex Renfroe of Belmont, this team gets lit up more frequently than should be humanly possible. Want to think about something entertaining, what would Chris Lofton score playing against this defense? What if you gave him five games? Could he break 60 in one of those games? Yeah, he could. Easy.
5. I'm going to reiterate what I wrote last night. Why didn't someone from the Great Wall of Vagina take it upon themselves to at least foul Meeks hard at some point during this game? I'm not saying you send in a goon a la John Chaney and ask him to seriously injure the guy, but at least draw up a play that leads to Meeks getting wrecked on a screen. You have to do this.
Consider how rare nights like these are in college basketball:
• It's the most points by a single player in any regulation game over the last decade.
• No player from a BCS conference had scored this many points since Arizona State's Eddie House went for 61 against California in overtime in 2000.
• Six Division I teams scored fewer points Tuesday night than Meeks. Memphis, the 2008 national runner-up, outscored Meeks by a point. Kentucky itself scored 54 points in a win against West Virginia back on Nov. 29.
6. How much does it suck to be Tyler Smith right now? You've gone from having Chris Lofton and JaJuan Smith in your back pocket to a bunch of guys who can't shoot in your back pocket. Worse, they all have similar games to you but aren't anywhere near as good as you are. Tyler Smith is a slasher who can create. But he's surrounded by such bad shooters that all teams have to do is clog the lanes. No one extends their defense. Watch how hard Smith works to get to the basket or get shots. He has to make five or six moves to get a fall away jumper in the lane. What's worse than that? No talent ass clowns like Scotty Hopson and Cam Tatum are trying to slash to the basket as well instead of just making their wide-open threes.
It's getting so bad Tyler is going to add some new teardrops tattoos before all is said and done.
7. Why did Jodie Meeks thank his teammates? They didn't do anything for him all night. Other than wear the same jersey. I've never seen someone create all of his own shots like this before; I don't know how many of Meeks' baskets came off assists, but I can only think of two or three all night. It wasn't like Kentucky's offense was a well-oiled machine and Meeks was coming off quadruple screens for open shots. It was simply a case of a the perfect player going up against the perfect foe. (And by foe, I mean the Great Wall of Vagina. Calling this team's defense a foe is almost too much credit.)
8. How in the world did someone watch Scotty Hopson play basketball and name him the fifth best player in the country? This is laughable. He shoots a basketball like it's 1948 and the ball can't come out of the peach basket. If you were playing basketball and someone shot with this much arc on their shot, you'd ridicule them to the high heavens. Last night after another Hopson airball I said that 40% of Scotty Hopson's shots end without touching the rim. Without skipping a beat my friend Junaid says, "Really?"
He believed this stat!
And I started thinking to myself, you know, I might have believed it too if someone had told me that. Hopson has that great ability to either make a shot or not touch the rim. He looks like he's throwing really high-lobbed hand grenades. If we ever need to storm the walls of a castle, Hopson is our guy. How bad is his touch? Scotty Hopson's shooting touch makes Wayne Chism look like the second coming of Pistol Pete.
Let's go ahead and call Hopson what he is, the most overrated UT basketball recruit since Charles Hathaway. Who was, you guessed it, also a McDonald's All American. But at least Hathaway was a big man. Big men are notoriously hard to project. How could so many people be so wrong about Hopson's relative talent level? They did him a disservice by ranking him as highly as they did. Can we send him back to Kentucky in exchange for a case of Bourbon?
I know, I know, he's a freshman and freshman take blah blah blah. Shut up. He is not a good basketball player. Period. I'm not saying he needs to be rewriting the Vol record book. I'm just saying he needs to be capable of passing, shooting, jumping, and dribbling like an average player. I've seen no evidence of this yet. The fact that anyone called him a one-and-done player is an indictment of the basketball recruiting industry.
9. Having said all that, I don't blame Bruce Pearl for anything. Why? If he was playing Bruce Pearl would have set the screen that rattled Meeks' teeth. Although, to be fair, I do wonder what happened to Ryan Childress. Is he ever playing again? Last night would seem to have been the perfect time for him to come into a game and throw some elbows on screens, get physical, do something, anything, on defense. Where is he? What happened to him? We need an Amber Alert for him.
10. With the weakness of the SEC I have legitimate questions about whether this team makes the NCAA Tournament this year. There, I said it. Right now UT is #34 in the RPI. And plummeting. What's worse than that? UT is still the highest RPI team in the SEC. Meaning we gain nothing to speak of from beating most teams this year. And right now we're not good enough to worry about beating anyone yet. I believe the Temple, Kansas, and Kentucky games are three of the four worst games of the Pearl era (the blowout loss at South Carolina during year two is the other one). The fact that three of them are this year is ominous. I have a feeling this season is going to get worse.
Enjoy the video, after about thirty seconds nothing else happens. I kept waiting for fireworks. Or for Chris Rainey to appear. But, nope, it's a just a girl in her underwear swinging on a stripper pole in her apartment. If all Gainesville apartments come replete with stripper poles, I'm sending Fox there.
Also, and I have no idea why, but I love that the fan is going through the entire routine. It adds just the right touch of class to the dance. Thanks to the four perverts who sent this video in.
Jodie Meeks Scores 54...Impregnates Your Post-Menopausal Mother
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Congrats to Jodie Meeks for scoring more points than anyone in SEC basketball since 1970. He made Tennessee's entire basketball team look like a punch of pussies. Wait, did you say every team for the past three weeks has done that? Okay, he confirmed that the 2008-2009 Vols are a Great Wall of Vagina. Awesome.
I'll have more on this game tomorrow after I've slept, but my real question right now is this, how can you let a guy hang 54 in your house and not absolutely destroy him on a couple of defensive plays? Even if you're not willing to guard him you can make him pay for humiliating you at home on national television. Nail him on a pick, foul him harder than you need to going to the basket, do something to show that your team is anything but what you really are, a great wall of vol vagina.
Evidently when Bobby Maze said he was going to put on for Tennessee he meant put on a pair of women's panties. Unfortunately he's not the only one wearing them. What's worse? Scotty Hopson wears a pink thong.
Yep, a full page of Tennessee insults. I would respond in kind, but like most Tennessee fans I rank Kentucky as our fifth biggest rival...in the SEC East.
Vols are 7 point favorites tonight. Which seems high given that it's been over two months since VMI waltzed into Rupp and hung 111 on the Cats.
Honestly, it never does cease to amaze me how much Kentucky people hate Tennessee. I guess that can happen when you haven't beaten us in football since 1984. Either that or when you're forced to constantly deal with the fact that your state combines the worst of the South (ignorant racists) with the worst of the Midwest (the cold, ugly girls, and unemployment). Quite a duo there Kentucky, quite a duo.
Titans-Ravens Part 2 The Titans Dominate the Game and Lose
The 2008 Ravens-Titans game was even more difficult to stomach than the 2001 playoff game. It was awful. Primarily because you got the sense that unlike in 2001, when the Titans mistakes led directly to Ravens points on an interception and a blocked field goal, this year the mistakes led to the Ravens curling up in the fetal position and kicking the ball back to the Titans. In other words the Ravens didn't do anything proactive once they took the ball away. They just survived to play until another Titans error.
In the end the Titans put up 391 yards of offense to the Ravens 211. But even these numbers are deceptive. The Titans yardage didn't come in big bursts. Their largest gain of the game was a 28 yard screen pass from Collins to Chris Johnson. The rest of the yardage was, if anything, a methodical series of successes. Put plainly, the Titans offense consistently outplayed the Ravens defense on almost every play. In the end the Titans' 391 yards of offense was more than the Ravens defense had given up in 2.5 years.
The Ravens put up 211 yards of offense. But even that's a deceiving number. They ran the ball 30 times for 50 yards--an average of 1.7 yards per carry. (Keep in mind that's without any sack yardage to discount the runs with.) Because, in all honesty, the Ravens offense made just three plays all game. And all three of these plays weren't the result of schematic genius or situations where the probability of football success favored the Ravens. Instead, for whatever reason, the Ravens just caught the breaks. Let's look at all three of them:
1. The Derrick Mason touchdown catch with 1:28 remaining in the first quarter. The Ravens face a third and 18 from their 47. KVB jumps offsides and gives them five yards. (More on this later). So now it's 3rd and 13. On this play, Flacco rolls out of the collapsing pocket and finds Derrick Mason--who was ostensibly double-covered--wide open for a 48 yard touchdown. The Titans are playing Cover 2 and Hope doesn't get anywhere near the throw. Mason is not Flacco's first target but he's wide open. The defensive break down is flat out inexusable. This single play, aside from being the only touchdown the Ravens would score all day, accounts for 23% of the Baltimore offensive production. As if that weren't enough, this drive covers 80 yards. 20 of those yards come from Titans penalties, 48 comes on the touchdown pass, just 12 yards comes on other offensive plays.
2. Late in the third quarter Joe Flacco throws a deep ball to Clayton, who is double covered by Courtland Finnegan and Chris Hope. Both men are Pro-Bowlers. Inexplicably, Finnegan falls while getting a read on a ball he later said he thought he would intercept and Hope takes a bad angle on the pass. The pass is complete for 37 yards. The Titans defense holds the Ravens to a field goal but the Ravens take their first lead of the game at 10-7.
3. The pass over the middle to Todd Heap on the final Ravens drive. It's 3rd and 2. The play clock clearly expires. (Unlike the back judge who can't look at the field and the play clock at the same time, I saw this live and was screaming for the flag. So were at least two other people in my immediate vicinity. I always pay attention to the play clock during games. Admittedly this is kind of weird, but I'm a football nerd like that. It's why I've also always wondered why NFL games don't have a shot-clock type horn if the play call doesn't go off in time.) Even still, Flacco's pass is a dangerous one, over the middle into the teeth of a Titans defense. Nick Harper, who should have picked this ball off, mistimes his leap and misses the football with his hand, to his credit, Todd Heap makes a difficult catch for a 23 yard gain.
Football is a game of probability. But probabilities don't govern the success or failure of individual plays. Even still, on these three plays the Titans were in the best position to "win" the play. There was nothing shocking or unexpected about the Ravens play calls. Yet the Titans failed on all three occasions. As a result Baltimore gained 108 of their 211 total yards on just three plays. And all three of these plays resulted in drives that scored points. 10 were a direct result of the plays (the Mason touchdown and the Clayton deep ball) and the other, the Heap catch, kept alive a drive that led to the winning field goal.
Putting these three plays further into context, on these three passes Flacco was 3-3 for 108 yards. He attempted 22 passes for the game. For the other 19 passes he attempted, Flacco was just 8-19 for 53 yards. But, to his credit, he completed those three passes when the odds would suggest he shouldn't have. Otherwise we're talking about Joe Flacco having one of the worst statistical games in the history of the NFL playoffs.
Diving further into the numbers, the Ravens had 72 total offensive plays. They gained, as we've discussed, 211 yards on those 72 plays. That's an average of 2.9 yards per play. Strip out those three plays that we've discussed above and the Ravens ran 69 plays for 103 yards!
Let me reiterate, in 69 offensive plays against the Titans defense the Ravens gained just 103 yards. That's an average of 1.49 yards per play. That's unheard of in playoff football.
Compare that with the Titans offensive performance. The Titans ran 28 times and passed the ball 26 times. For a total of 391 yards. That's an average of 7.2 yards per play. What this tells us is that time after time the Titans were better on each play. Yet they still lost.
I'm not usually a huge numbers guy but I had to look at this to maintain some form of sanity. To prove to myself that the pummeling I thought I was witnessing on the field wasn't a statistical anomaly. It wasn't. The Titans dominated this game and still found a way to lose.
Here are some other things I noted from the game:
1. If any of you listen to the ClayNation radio show you know that on the most recent version (when we weren't shot down by sports programming; for the next two weeks SEC-ESPN Tuesday night games have us blocked) I ripped the Terrible Towel. Then, come the playoffs, the Titans distribute their own version to the entire crowd. Which means that throughout this game it's almost impossible to see the field from your seats because everyone has their arms raised and is twirling those stupid towels.
2. Jeff Fisher needs to explain why he didn't take the wind in the fourth quarter. Our seats are on the north end zone of the stadium, right where it begins to curl around the corner of the end zone. Up above us is the scoreboard and the flag stand. The wind typically flows north to south in the stadium. On Saturday it was blowing harder than it has all season. The Titans won the toss. Why not take the wind in the fourth quarter? Especially since Matt Stover, while accurate, is 40 years old and not as good from distance as he used to be? And, even more so, after Fisher said that not taking the wind for the fourth quarter was the reason for the loss at Houston.
I ask this because of the Titans failed drives, every single one of them--both fumbles, the interception, and the failed fourth down conversion-- happened into the wind. Indeed, going for it on 4th and 8 wouldn't have been a consideration if that drive had been going in the other direction--Bironas would have attempted a field goal.
I'm not a coaching expert, but in a tie ballgame where the opposing offense had done nothing but take advantage of a defensive bust the entire first half, wouldn't it have been okay to give them the ball first and let your defense go to work? Even if this would have led to the unorthodox set-up of the Ravens getting the ball to start both halves, I would have been fine with this.
This is even more damning when you consider that the Titans won the toss and had the option to choose the wind or which half they wanted to take possession first.
I suspect Jeff Fisher's explanation would be that the Titans expected to put the game out of reach by the time the wind would be significant. But is this really a valid gamble? Especially when he had the option to make the selection as the second half began? Did he really believe that without Chris Johnson the Titans were going to blow out the Ravens in the third quarter? I don't think so. Fisher should have deferred to begin the second half at the very least.
3. The most important play of the game? I think it was the Joe Flacco completion to Derrick Mason on 3rd and 13 for the touchdown. I've already discussed this above, but the Baltimore offensive line does deserve some credit for giving Flacco the time to complete passes down the field. The Titans didn't record a sack (the Ravens only recorded one), but the Ravens o-line did a decent job allowing Flacco to make the only three plays he made all game.
4. Offsides penalties finally caught up with the Titans. Look, I understand that getting off the ball and getting upfield helps make a defensive pass rush dominant. I get that. But all season long the Titans defensive linemen have been undisciplined when it comes to jumping offsides. I'd be interested in seeing the NFL numbers on this, but I'm certain the Titans were in the top five in the league in offsides penalties. If they weren't first or second on a per snap basis I'd honestly be shocked.
Of the 12 total penalties at least three of them were offsides calls. Two of them were really difficult to stomach. The first happened with the Ravens facing a third and 18 midway through the second quarter. To this point the Ravens offense had done nothing. Kyle Vanden Bosch jumped offside and made this a 3rd and 13. On the next play the Ravens scored to tie the game.
The second major infraction happened with the Ravens facing a 1st and 15 on their final possession of the game. Jevon Kearse leapt offside, gave the Ravens five yards, and helped them convert another first down. Hugely important.
5. The loss of Chris Johnson cannot be underestimated. Look, the Titans offense is very average. Johnson, who was used expertly all season, helped to cover up some of these deficiencies. But once he went out, the Titans became a lot easier to defend. Now they still moved the football but the Titans had 256 yards of offense in the first half. To the Ravens 86. And the game was still tied. This was when the game was lost. When the Titans didn't have any lead after the first half despite complete and total domination.
6. Ravens fans think it looks cool if you wear a jersey and a hooded sweatshirt underneath. They are wrong. This makes them look like the biggest tools on earth. We went out after this game and the Ravens fans were at the bars on Broadway. It was so crowded with short dudes in jerseys with hoodies underneath, that we could only manage to stay for one beer. Then we bailed and headed for Demonbreun. Where, mercifully, Ravens fans were absent.
7. All of this analysis confirms my feeling that the Titans-Ravens game was the most difficult sporting event loss I've ever watched in person. The Titans dominated this game, are the better team, yet still found a way to lose. This is particularly galling because the NFC is going to send the Eagles or the Cardinals to the Super Bowl. Meaning Pittsburgh-Ravens is a default Super Bowl in the AFC Championship Game.
It's also galling because eight years after the fact, this game had an awful lot in common with 2001's loss. Only this one is worse. Because the Titans were much better than the Ravens on Saturday. Yet still found a way to lose. One day I hope I'm fortunate enough to be on the other end of a game like this--where my team gets completely dominated but still finds a way to win. But I'm not holding my breath. They don't happen very often.
That's why I was so crushed after this game. I haven't felt this bad after a football game in a long time. And I watched 12 UT games in person.
When I was a young lad of 21, the Titans finished the season 13-3. We had home field advantage throughout the playoffs. I was still back home in Nashville on Christmas break for the first playoff game against the Baltimore Ravens. At the time I was a senior at GW. During my time at GW one of my roommates was Krishna. As luck would have it Krishna was from the same hometown as John Wilkes Boothe, Bel Air, Maryland. (Boothe's boyhood home is not open to the public. Once I made Krishna drive me there and we pulled into the driveway and sat there looking at the house for about ten seconds. "This isn't realy isn't very interesting," Krishna said.) As a suburban Baltimore native, I had to hear about the Ravens all season long.
As part of the third Titans-Ravens game that season (both teams were still in the same division at the time), I was very confident of victory. Some would say way too confident. So I bet Krishna that if the Ravens came into Nashville and beat the Titans I would run naked around Washington Square Park in Washington, D.C. For those of you who aren't aware Washington Square park is about six blocks from the White House, just north of the main GW campus. It's a large park with an equestrian statue of George Washington. It's impossible to run around the park faster than thirty seconds or so.
By now you know what happened in that game, the Titans lost 24-10. On a series of fluke plays that still make me angry to this day. The Ravens made just one play on offense all day--a busted coverage Trent Dilfer pass to Shannon Sharpe. Then they blocked an Al Del Greco field goal and returned it for a touchdown. (I still remember how perfect that ball bounced into the Ravens' hands. How rare is that? That a field goal gets blocked and a defensive player is able to pick it up without breaking stride?) Later, for good measure, Ray Lewis pimp-slapped Eddie George, took away the football from him, and raced into the end zone where he completed the score by doing a flip, ripping off his helmet, and sticking out his tongue. (Ray Lewis has a Kiss-like tongue-length. Maybe this helps him with the murders, I don't know.)Despite outgaining the Ravens 317 to 134 in total yards and limiting the Ravens to just 6 first downs all game while racking up 23 themselves, the final score was 24-10 Ravens and I didn't think watching your home team lose could be any more painful.
By the end of the game I wanted Al Del Greco strung up on Broadway and made to pay for his transgressions.
Then, I returned to Washington where the local D.C. media were, in typical fashion, agog over the Ravens success. (In my lifetime I have never seen a more front-running metropolitan area than Washington, D.C. Their definition of a local team is astounding. Be it the Virginia Tech Hokies, the Baltimore Ravens, the Baltimore Orioles, Virginia, William and Mary...you name it and if they win the Washington media is a slobbering mass of home-team jackals.)
Come the spring, after the Ravens had gone on to win the Super Bowl that should have been the Titans, I did a naked lap around Washington Square park. Fortunately I wasn't arrested. But all of these memories did make me extremely, extremely nervous about the game against the Ravens. By the time I sat down in my seat on Saturday, I was a jittery mass of nervous energy.
Titans-Ravens--Most Difficult Loss I've Ever Witnessed In Person
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I'll have a detailed column up about this game late on Monday or, more likely, early on Tuesday. Until then I'm spending a couple of days in Knoxville doing some work on the book so I'll be away from the computer.
Things aren't all bad, at least Tim Tebow is coming back to school.
Beaver Pelt Trader of the Week: Tim Tebow Meet the Pink Iguana
Friday, January 9, 2009
We have co-beaver pelt traders of the week this weekend, Tim Tebow, of course, and the pink iguana. Yep, the pink iguana. Read on for more on the most amazing animal not named the pink dolphin.
I'm in love with pink iguanas already. Here's more information in case you didn't click the above link.
A genetic analysis showed that the pink reptile likely originated in the Galapagos and split from other iguana populations some five million years ago when the archipelago was still forming, the researchers said.
The creatures only seem to live near a single volcano at most 350,000 years old, which means the reptiles that grow longer than a meter and up to 12 kilograms must have at one time existed elsewhere in the Galapagos, Gentile said.
The researchers documented fewer than 40 of the iguanas over two years and Gentile said conservation efforts and funds are urgently needed to keep the species from dying off.
All I know is this: If we allow the pink iguana species to die off we're all imbeciles. These things should become the latest must-have pet. Or the Ritz-Carlton should breed them and allow them to run free on all their resort properties. How cool would this be?
At the Ritz down in the Virgin Islands (we'd sneak on to use their pool when I was practicing law down there), they let iguanas run wild. You'd be swimming and all of a sudden an iguana would climb into the pool. They look scary but they're completely harmless.
If I lived in a warmer climate I'd buy a couple and keep them as pets in my backyard. Whenever his leg heals Fox would love them.
James Belz writes:
Question I know you'll have the definitive answer to. The BCS title game broadcast on Fox was better or worse than your typical Jefferson Pilot broadcast?
Good question. I'm going to have to say Fox was better. And not just because they clearly had more than two television cameras working at all times. Now, I'll grant you that some of the trickery was way overdone. Do we really ever need to see a television screen split into four different shots?
Two at most is all we need. And even two is overdoing it for a football game. Especially when one of the screens is showing a coach on the sideline. These shots are overdone. The only time I like split-screens in sports telecasts is when a runner is a definite threat to steal a base. And even those are rare now.
So, not surprisingly, Fox got carried away with the gadgets. It was the same thing with that clock that showed how long it took Oklahoma to snap the football. Do we really need to see this? Couldn't we just watch the regular play-clock and do our own subtraction if we really cared about that? Better yet, is there a clear difference between knowing that the ball was snapped quickly and knowing that the ball was snapped in eight seconds? I don't think so.
So what I'm getting at is, I think the Fox telecast suffered from a surfeit of options that distracted from the actual product on the field. The exact opposite of how technology impacted JP/LF/Raycom games. Due to technology being so bad at the JP/LF/Raycom games you might miss the actual game. Much worse.
Now the actual announcers, that's tougher. Brennaman and Davis blew what down it was on a goal line call. Which is entirely inexcusable. But so far as I know neither of them claimed that Steve Spurrier was Tim Tebow's coach two years ago when Florida won their first title under Meyer. Which JP/LF/Raycom did this fall. So advantage Fox all around.
Yeah, just by reading this analysis you can imagine what Southerners have dealt with over the past several years.
Michael writes:
Clay,
As a fellow BGID, I felt impelled to forward this link of an ESPN chat to you right away. I don't really know if the link will work, so to summarize, it's a guy from the AMI (American Mustache Institute) and let's just say he does not look kindly on the beard.
What are you going to do about this? I await your response eagerly.
Brandon (Minnesota): I'm 16 and all I can grow is a goatee, what can i do to grow a full out mustache?
SportsNation Dr. Aaron Perlut: We do not recognize the beard or goatee as an appropriate form of facial hair. They represent the "spousal compromise" or the half-way meeting point between the utter weakness of the clean shaven and the sheer, unbridled power of the mustached American. It's where your wife or girlfriend says, "you know honey, I can't deal with that bad-ass mustache but a beard or goatee...I can hack that."
I agree that the goatee deserves all condemnation. Keep in mind that the default goatee position is GNGID (goatee not getting it done). But dudes with mustaches have none of the power that guys with beards have. Arguing otherwise is futile. The mustache is, at best, the bastard chromosomally-deficient daughter of the beard. Don't believe me? Go out to a bar and see for yourself. Have you ever seen a guy under 50 with a mustache and a hot girl?
Of course not.
To argue that the mustache is superior is laughable.
I do, however, commend ESPN on having a chat about mustaches. That's much more entertaining than most of their regular chats.
Adam writes:
Clay,
As an alumni of the Big Ten (Illinois), I have a unique expertise in ugly girls. Spend 4 years in the corn fields of Central Illinois and Bingo Wings in a swimsuit on Spring Break look like a scene from Valhalla. I was born in Knoxville, so I have an appreciation for the hotness of the South, but the Thetas from UK are lacking. I was expecting to see tanned, blond, besundressed visions of beauty, and I was reminded of the 4H sorority from Western Illinois.
So this is a challenge to the Claynation readership to come through for me. I work on a Democratic campaign, so you know I’m not seeing any visions of beauty here. I was hoping this contest would be a good chance to see some safe for work tits (read not porn), so I’m waiting for the results with bated breath.
BGID,
P.S. I was in the mailbag last year for getting kicked out of a strip club, which is just a symptom of the greater issue of not seeing attractive tits.
You think the Thetas at Kentucky aren't hot? Not even the girls in this picture? There are 18 hot girls on a beach in a bikini and you want more? Who are you? George Clooney?
I have it on good authority from a number of UK guys that the thetas are the hottest sorority at UK. I trust them. More importantly I trust the photo.
But everyone has been challenged by a resident from the Big Ten. He doesn't think our sorority girls in the contest are hot enough. To arms SEC, to arms. (And not the kind with bingo wings.)
Craig writes:
Long time reader, first time mailbagger.
I loved the posting you wrote about fumbling Fox yesterday. I think that all fathers (especially new ones) have those moments of causing undue harm to their children, feeling guilty about it and then emotionally eating their snack food. The injury with my daughter actually involved snack food.
She was about 6 weeks old, and just home from the hospital after 35 days in NICU. While my wife was feeding her, I was running around in that post-birth fatherhood haze and decided that I needed to walk over an give my wife & daughter a kiss. Problem was that I had two cans of Diet Coke, chips and a sandwich plate already in my hands . You can see where this one is going. As I leaned over with all my food articles for smooch numero uno, one of the two Diet Cokes slipped out of my hand and landed directly on the temple of my daughter. Out came the most gut wrenching, pain filled cry ever. Its different from the I’m hungry or dirty diaper scream. Awful, just awful. The look on my wife’s face was a mixture of fear and the maternal defense instinct. Not a pretty sight.
Luckily, the trainers ran in and she was able to play the rest of the game. No concussion and she was available for the next weeks activities of eating, pooping and sleeping, Dad on the other hand, was sent to the showers by Mom.
Also, pray that you never have any girls. I think that it will dampen you abilities to look and rank the hot girls of the SEC (or hot women in general). Believe me, you’ll regret everything you’ve said or done to girls if you have one.
Keep up the great work! I love the posts!
Roll Tide!
If everyone could see the stories I've gotten this week about father and mother errors, you'd all be amazed that any children reach adulthood. I'm relieved to know that I am not alone in fumbling Fox.
(By the way, he's doing fine in the cast. It's a walking boot now. He's bothered by it approximately 1/1,000,00th as much as I am.)
As for having a girl, you hit the nail on the head. There seems to be a correlation between guys who treated girls the worst and guys who end up with daughters. I'm convinced this is karma.
I can't imagine how stressful it is thinking about the teenage years. Even writing about this gives me cold chills. I feel like Urban Meyer just passed me in the hallway. Godspeed to my Y sperm, godspeed.
Richard writes:
Clay,
I saw Comcast went out on you during a game. That sucks. Here in North Alabama, we also have Comcast. They have been nothing but trouble. I pay extra for HD channels that never work. At least once a month, the cable outlet that we use for the internet inexplicably stops working while it will start working in another room. This is in addition to the random moments that the connection goes down all together. Often, the non-HD cable channels come in with a picture quality that resembles a poor roof antenna. I have never called Comcast and waited less than half an hour to talk to someone. Comcast has been to my house to repair these problems at least five times. Once, the technician showed up and told me he was instructed that I wanted to cancel my service and he was to pick up my cable box. I had to explain to him that it just needed to be fixed, although in retrospect I should have taken his offer. All of this is in less than six months of service.
So, for all these reasons I have, for the last month, been attempting to create a new catchphrase. When you pay for something and do not receive it, it can be referred to as "getting comcasted." This especially applies, but is not limited, to cable, telephone, internet, and any other service that could possibly be provided by Comcast.
Examples:
Internet goes out: "Ah Man! I got comcasted!" Missing fries at the drive-thru: "You guys just comcasted me on my fries!"
So, what do you say, Clay? Can we get this one started?
BGID
If my friend Neville can coin the phrase Tebow'd (at least publicly via my book and column, this thing is everywhere now) then I'm certain we can turn comcast into a verb that is synonymous with f'ed.
Ergo, let's get rolling with this: Oklahoma got comcasted last night.
I like this. I like this a lot.
Off to the Ravens-Titans game tomorrow. Can't wait. I'll write about that on Monday. But as a preview I hate the Ravens more than any other professional sports franchise. And there isn't a close second.
Big Day WIth Fox Mailbag Coming Later Tonight; USC Favorite for 2009
Until then, I thought y'all would enjoy this. It's never too early to start preparing for next season. The odds on the 2009 BCS Championship have been released by BetOnline.com. Clearly this picture of Jessica Simpson has nothing to do with this post, but the fine folks at Roundtable Radio (Ian and Lance's show is the best mid-day show in the country) forwarded me the picture and I felt obligated to use it at some point.
I figured we needed to counteract the negativity that came with me putting up the fat Oklahoma flute player. (By the way, if you're one of those girls who doesn't think Jessica Simpson is attractive, die. Now. Please.)
BetOnline.com's 2010 BCS Championship Odds
USC 4/1
Florida 5/1
Oklahoma 7/1
Texas 8/1
Ohio State 9/1
Florida State 15/1
Virginia Tech 15/1
Georgia 20/1
Miami (Fla) 20/1
LSU 20/1
Alabama 25/1
Notre Dame 25/1
Oregon 30/1
Penn State 30/1
Texas Tech 30/1
Nebraska 40/1
Georgia Tech 40/1
North Carolina 40/1
West Virginia 40/1
Illinois 50/1
Tennessee 50/1
Oklahoma State 60/1
Missouri 60/1
Utah 60/1
California 60/1
Wisconsin 60/1
Michigan 60/1
Iowa 75/1
Kansas 75/1
South Carolina 75/1
TCU 100/1
Arkansas 100/1
Michigan State 100/1
Cincinnati 100/1
Boston College 100/1
... Yep, according to this the Vols are the 20th most likely team to win it all. Ahh, hope...
Oklahoma's Offense Is So Awe....Scratch That, SEC Rules Again
All year long we've had to hear about how amazing the Big 12 offense are. We've watched them carve up each other and heard that we've never seen the like of their quarterbacks, their offensive skill-position players. The 2008 college football season was an extended, slow-motion jerk-off to the Big 12 offenses. (Even your faithful bearded compatriot is not immune. I was in love with Mike Leach and his offense. Now I'll distinguish myself by saying I've been in love with Leach's offense for some time. This year I became infatuated with the man. But, still, I'm partially to blame.)
Then came the bowl season.
How did their top four teams do? Three of them lost. One of them won a game against the woeful Big Ten on their final offensive play with 16 seconds left. How did the top four offenses do? Oklahoma State put up 31 (but their defense gave up 42 to Oregon), Texas Tech put up 34 (but their defense gave up 47 to Ole Miss--more points than the Rebels scored against any team but Louisiana-Monroe all season), Texas put up a whopping 24 (while giving up 21 to Ohio State) and the mighty Oklahoma Sooners scored just 14 (while giving up 24).
Put all this together and I think you've got a decent pattern established. Namely this: Big 12 offenses were decent, but Big 12 defenses were awful. In the end, once more, for the third consecutive year, the bowl season proved what most of us already know: The SEC plays a different caliber of football than the rest of the country.
I watched Florida and Oklahoma at my friend Tardio's house. After the live blog implosion on Wednesday night, I decided not to even attempt one today. With us there were the usual suspects, my friends Kelly, Junaid, and Keven. Here were 20 thoughts as the game transpired.
1. Fox is obsessed with the respective bands. Why show the band during every cutaway shot? The only band shot worth having all night was the fat Oklahoma band girl crying at the end of the game. And maybe, occasionally, it was sort of enjoyable to see that guy with the mullet sitting in front of the band. Was he eighteen feet tall? Otherwise cut this and give us girls in tank-tops. (Even if it's that old Oklahoma woman on the front row with the really young Oklahoma fan. Was this her son or were they having sex? Terrifying either way. Especially if it's both.)
2. Is it just me or did Tebow seem sick for the entire first half? He was playing with no emotion, no jumping, no screaming, nothing. If this were the WWF and we were all still kids, someone would have come running out of the dressing room with an empty bottle of sleeping pills and claim Tebow had been drugged. He just looked weird. I decide that he's sick. When I point this out, the room explodes. Led by Junaid,
"Who are you Bill Frist? Diagnosing people from television now?"
3. Bill Belichick, how short is he? When the camera cut to him he looked like Willow. Plus his smile looked so fake when the camera showed him and he pointed it out to the girl he was with. I believe that Urban Meyer is pure evil. But it's possible he derives all his evil powers from Belichick. I think they have meetings somewhere where they kill baby manatees and drink their blood.
Having said that, if Tebow comes out early is anyone going to be shocked if Belichick takes him? (Yeah, yeah, even if they have to franchise Matt Cassel and still have Tom Brady.) I wouldn't even be surprised if he tells the Tebow family something like, "If he's still around in the third round, I'm taking him."
Personally, I wish the Titans would draft him and kick Vince Young to the curb. If we're going to have a running quarterback at least he could be sane. (And capable of realizing that insane is one word. I'm convinced if Vince spelled insane he'd spell it as two words. Then cut off his nipple and mail it to Bo Scaife in a Valentine card.)
4. Tebow's first touchdown pass--someone needs to go back and look at the number of huge gains/touchdowns Tebow engineered on third down. Because they were seismic. Anyone who says that Tebow can't be an NFL quarterback should have to watch every third down play this season. What's amazing isn't just how many times Tebow leads Florida to a conversion, it's how many time he does it when no one else in college football could.
5. Brennaman waxes eloquent about how good of a person Tim Tebow is. He ends by saying something like, "If you spend time with Tim Tebow you emerge a better person." Immediately my phone buzzes. It's UF grad Neville, "You and I spent time with Tim Tebow. Our lives are better for it."
I'm better than you because I met Tim Tebow.
Tardio and I expect for Tebow to announce in his post-game victory speech that while he was in Miami, he decided to travel to Cuba. As a result of his trip, Raul Castro has agreed to open up Cuban society. Tebow will be the next President.
6. Worst television error of the bowl season goes to Brennaman and Charles Davis for not realizing that it was only third down when Oklahoma got stopped at the goal line. Fox paid hundreds of millions of dollars for the BCS. And they don't have a spotter who can correct this error? It went on for about two minutes. And both men exulted when Florida got the stop on third down.
Some elderly Oklahoma and Florida fans probably had heart attacks after the third down call.
This was awful.
7. On the eventual fourth down play call Florida's number 95, Torrey Davis, explodes through the line and destroys Oklahoma's Chris Brown in the backfield. Everyone is agog over this play. Then Davis rips off his helmet on the sideline. Yep, straight beard. Davis is BGID. And his beard is spectacular. He looks like he's been living in a Vietnamese prison camp for eight years. Or was a black cowboy on a cattle drive from Texas to Montana.
Yep, he's pictured here. Wait for the black cowboy. Bang, it's Davis.
8. There's ten seconds left in the first half, your team has no timeouts left and is at the 6 yard line. You have just two options a. kick the field goal b. throw the fade to Iglesias in the corner of the end zone. Otherwise you really risk losing the opportunity to kick a field goal by running a play. As we're sitting on the couch, I say I would kick the field goal and go up 10-7. Tardio calls me a pussy and says he would take a shot at the end zone.
Stoops takes a shot. And his Heisman Trophy winning quarterback (he should break up the Heisman and send a piece to each defensive coordinator in the Big 12) gets picked off. Which sucked for Oklahoma. But here's the deal, Bradford also chose to throw the ball short of the goal line. Something that you absolutely, positively, cannot do. Even if the ball is complete the half runs out before another play can be run.
Needless to say I thought this was an incredibly stupid decision. Even with half the game complete and it being evident that points were going to be at a premium, Stoops still played the game as if both teams were going to score 50. He didn't adjust at all.
9. But the time issues were also caused by Oklahoma tight end's Gresham who, for whatever reason, absolutely refused to get out of bounds three times on this final drive. Seriously, all three of these plays were complete bonehead moves. Twice Oklahoma had to take timeouts because his dumb ass didn't just step out of bounds. And he never gained extra yardage by staying in bounds! For a big man, like a Kappa at Vandy, he goes down easy.
10. Which brings me to this, did anyone else think Bob Stoops set a record for number of whiny comments made to officials during the game? What a little bitch. He coached like he realized his team had no chance all night. Going for it on fourth down, going for it again with ten seconds left in the half, just put points up on the board here and you've got the lead most of the game.
Every time the cameras cut to Stoops he was complaining about something.
11. Neville has been texting me all night. But he hits home with one near halftime. "How bad are these announcers? They are like generic video game announcers."
12. At halftime, we switch over to I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Just in time for the scene where Jessica Biel is wearing panties, heels, and a bra and changes in front of Adam Sandler.
This may be controversial, but does Jessica Biel have the greatest ass in the history of mankind? I think so. In fact, I know so.
Now so do you.
13. Midway through the second half, Florida begins to let Tebow run. Eventually, it appears Tebow has tagged his wrestling partner another Tebow, the fiery Tebow the SEC has seen for three years. I pronounce the game over. Tebow serves to prove me right.
For the final twenty minutes of the game, everything Tebow does is perfect.
So exquisitely--I want to kick myself in the face because Tim Tebow didn't come to my school--perfect.
14. I go back to what former Alabama coach Mike Shula must be thinking. Can you imagine? We discuss this. Junaid points out that the world would have been a different place. "Because you know Shula would have used him conservatively. He might still be sitting behind John Parker Wilson."
15. Tebow throws, Tebow runs, Tebow is the best college player there ever was. Ballgame. I mean it. He is.
In the end he rushes for 109 yards and throws for 231, a total of 340 yards. Florida puts up 480 total yards overall.
Let me put it this way, in his post-game victory interview if, instead of thanking Jesus, Tebow said, "I'm Jesus's son and he has instructed me to tell everyone to move to Alaska and live in huts alongside me."
I'd think to myself, "We should probably move to Alaska and live in huts."
16. I'm pretty in love with Tebow now, but how much would I be in love with him if I was a Florida Gator fan? The mere thought of this makes me queasy. So does thinking about how much more enjoyable my life as a fan would have been if I'd been born in Florida.
I don't even particularly care if Tebow comes back or not. We're going to lose in Gainesville either way.
In 2006 when Florida won the national championship, as a Tennessee fan, I could look at the field and think, "Damn we blew it." (Giving up our ten point lead in final 16 minutes at home.) This year? This year, I feel like the fat guy who plays the Tuba for a living and just stood in line behind Jessica Biel at Arby's. Namely, at least I'm sort of close to greatness.
17. Anyway, back on the opposing sideline Sam Bradford has led Oklahoma down a new trail of tears. You also have to wonder whether Bob Stoops is regretting not taking the Florida job after Spurrier left for the NFL.
18. I also haven't even mentioned Percy Harvin. Probably because, like always, that's just Percy being Percy. Except, I still wonder how someone's neck can possibly get as strong as Harvin's. That's unbelievable.
19. In the end I'm left wondering, can we make Auburn 2004 champs retroactively? Because every year that an SEC team lays waste to opposing conferences (and it's happened three consecutive years now), I think more and more how much an undefeated Auburn team got screwed in 2004. Just because Florida was fortunate enough to get into the title game, don't let this make you think that college football has changed much in terms of respecting the SEC.
If Penn State wins against Iowa, they play Oklahoma for the national championship. If USC wins against Oregon State, they play Oklahoma. I guess what I'm getting at is this, Florida just barely got a chance to play in this game. That should be sobering for everyone who is an SEC fan.
Fortunately, even in the immediate aftermath of the season, our president to be is still fighting the good fight.
Every weekend, provided the weather is decent, I go for a long walk with Fox and Lara. We live in downtown Nashville so there are quite a few destinations worth checking out. Sometimes we just watch the homeless people pee. Other times we go to the library. Fox doesn't particularly care where we end up, he just likes to wave at everyone and kick his legs in the sunshine. (He's sort of like his dad in this respect.)We've done this for months now without incident. Until last Saturday.
Since Fox was born almost a year ago I've gotten emails from quite a few nervous dads. The fact that I'm a dad seems to offer them a degree of comfort. Moms have all sorts of outlets for being nervous about becoming parents, dads...not so much. (There's a real argument to be made that women have remade the internet in their image--with websites devoted to mothering, homes, making catty comments about other women, and shopping. Whereas men have created porn. This means that a porn website that combined fatherhood tips might possibly have a market. I'm on it.) Anyway, I get emails wanting to know what being a dad will be like. You will end up loving it, but you'll be confused the same time. The simplest analogy I can come up with for first year dads is this: Having your first kid is like traveling to the east coast and playing a football game at noon. At least for me. You're playing a football game, which you enjoy, but you don't really understand what's going on around you because you're so out of sorts. Yep, I feel like I'm constantly in the wrong timezone.
It's not that I'd always stayed up late. I got up at 6 in the morning from grades 7-12. I thought that's what everyone had to do. I was miserable, constantly dragging myself out of bed, and sleeping through high school classes. Then, wonder of wonders, the older I got the better of a schedule I had. College student? If you're up before 11, you're an early riser. Law school? Same thing. At least for me. Law firm life? Get in by 9 and you're golden. This was the best surprise of all. I got paid well, was a professional, and I still got two hours more sleep than I did in high school. How was this possible?
Then all of a sudden I didn't have to go to a law firm to make a living either. Wonder of wonders, I could wake up whenever I wanted to. Better yet, I could go weeks without even wearing pants if I wanted to.
Score.
In the last two years before Fox I kept really late hours. I'd stay up until 2 in the morning or so and write in the quiet hours of the house. Words flow better for me at night. Or at least I thought they did. Truth be told, I've long felt that my greatest flaw is that I like sleeping too much. I really genuinely enjoy it. That's what I was most afraid of about having a kid, that I wouldn't get to sleep anymore.
Then Fox came. He didn't keep my schedule. For the first four months, he kept no schedule at all. The world was a bleary and disjointed place, I felt like I was constantly sleep-walking. Holding onto any thought for more than three minutes in a row was complicated. Several times I'd find myself walking in the house and realize I had no idea why I was moving.
Eventually Fox set his schedule. He goes to bed around 8 and sleeps straight through until the morning. Then he wakes up. So does dad. Anytime between 5:30 and 7:30. There's such a wide variance that every night when I go to bed I pray that he's going to sleep in. Come whatever time he chooses to rise, Fox is up in his crib, staring at the door, squealing, waiting for Dad.
That's me, I'm Dad. And I spend an awful lot of time with Fox. But all that time meant that I was still nervous about messing up. First came the circumcision ointment (by the way realizing that your own mom put circumcision ointment on your penis is pretty emasculating in retrospect), then the diaper changes, then the baths, you name it, all of it is cloaked in danger.
During Lara's pregnancy I comforted myself by rationalizing that any kid born in America today to college-educated parents was in better shape than 99.99% of children born throughout history. That's what I typically tell nervous dads. And I also tell them that they'll be fine, they won't do any permanent damage to their sons or daughters. And I cite myself as an example.
Which I thought was true. Until Saturday of last week.
At the end of Saturday's walk on December 27th, Fox, Lara and I stopped by the downtown library to play. Fox doesn't particularly like books yet. But he likes the idea of books. (This will lead to much sex when he's older. As a guy merely pretending to like to read makes women like you more. I hate to say this since I actually like to read, but it's true. When I was in college a guy rode the subway and pretended to read Dante's Inferno so he could meet women. It worked! Until he got busted on dates and couldn't talk about the books.) Anyway we play there occasionally. On this day we had a great time and as we prepared to leave Lara handed Fox to me while she went to the bathroom.
As it so happens Fox currently loves three things more than anything else on earth: 1. exit signs 2. water fountains 3. balls. We'd already found every exit sign in the Nashville library and we'd already played with his balls (this sentence could be phrased better). When what to our wondering eyes should appear but a water fountain?
Of course we had to play in it. So I lifted Fox up to stand on the children's stairstep in front of the fountain. I let him splash his hands through the water and all was well in the world. Until Fox decided he wanted down. He took a step when I wasn't expecting him to, and off he went into the open expanse of space between the stairstep and the ground. I had one of his hands, but I needed the other. Rapidly I grabbed his other hand. Only it was wet and his grip slipped right through mine.
Yep, he fell.
I fumbled my son.
And boy did he ever cry when he landed on the ground. Loud enough for his mom to hear him in the bathroom.
The fall wasn't that bad, as falls go he's had much worse, I picked him up and tried to get him to stop crying before his mom came out of the bathroom. I failed. Let's just say mom was not pleased with dad.
Later that night, Fox tried to walk and crumpled to the ground. I diagnosed him as having a high ankle sprain and pronounced him as questionable for ball-bouncing the next morning. Until well after midnight when I read that infants couldn't have sprains because their ligaments weren't formed yet.
Uh-oh.
The next morning when he still couldn't stand on his left leg we went to the emergency room. Fox had his first x-ray. He hated it. Turns out his leg didn't look broken on the x-ray but that's common with infants. But based on the way he was standing (on one foot with the other upraised like an injured puppy), they went ahead and casted him up at 11 months old.
Number of broken legs in our sixty years of life--Clay and Lara--Zero Number of broken leg bones in 11 months--Fox--1
Daddy's to blame. I can't tell you how awful I felt. When Grandma and Grandpa saw him later that day they disowned me.
As if that weren't enough we spent four hours at the children's emergency room at Vanderbilt. They brought snacks for Fox. We already had snacks for him, but they brought him snacks. He deserved them after all--he did have a broken leg.
But I was really hungry. As they finished off his cast, Lara looked up at me. (I was responsible for making faces at Fox to distract him). "Where'd you get that food?" she asked.
I pretended not to hear. She persevered. "Are you eating Fox's food?"
I pretended not to hear again.
"Daddy, broke your leg and now he's stealing your crackers, Fox."
Fox smiled in his cast.
Dad's heart broke and I realized that my schedule really didn't matter that much anymore. Which brings to me this point of advice for the nervous dads to be out there, as long as you don't fumble your son, you'll be doing better than me.
(Fox is fine now, he's got the cast off and there's no lasting damage. He had it on for just ten days.)
Okay, we're starting to get some of these nominations rolling in now. We need more. I'd like to set up some sort of 16 team bracket challenge. Of course I have no idea how to do a bracket graphic but I'm confident we can get something worked up.
Courtesy of Tim comes our first reader nomination:
Clay- No question that the SEC is full of them, but the Theta's at Kentucky always bring serious heat.
Tim Tebow Is The Best College Player of Our Lives: Mailbag Arrives
As a prelude, apologies for my collapse in the Tennessee-Gonzaga livechat yesterday. Comcast chose halftime of the Vols game to shut down. Just as I was diving into my spumoni ice cream. Bastards. In conjunction with the internet dying, the Vols collapse to Gonzaga, and Fox beginning to cry from his crib, the hour and change from 9-10:20 at my house was not a happy time. For all of you who came by and hung out, it was good, wiping away my tears, while it lasted.
On to all that and a bag of mail.
Neville writes:
Let me be the first to take this opportunity to remind you all just how wrong Clay Travis was about Urban Meyer and Tim Tebow. During this week of pageantry and hoopla surrounding the Gators 2nd championship game in 3 years I am reminded of all the time Mr. Travis wasted on picking apart in nauseating minutia the problems he foresaw for both Tebow and Urban. If I were a lesser man I would go through the carefully chronicled annals of ClayNation and cut and paste all the doomsday predictions we heard over the years.
I will not do so. It is enough to say that Clay Travis was as wrong about those two men as any man could me. The breadth and depth of his wrongness cannot be measured. And it cannot be understated. That Travis of '04-'06 should be taken out back and spanked.
Enjoy the game everyone. I will be watching it alone, in either my parents new basement with the 120 inch screen, or in a Roanoke movie theater wearing 3D glasses.
Neville is my good friend and the guy who is not named Tim Tebow or Clay Travis in the above picture. When I read this email I feel like I'm on the wrong side of history. One of those Know Nothing congressman who got elected on the tide of anti-immigration sentiment and then got defeated and sent back to bumfuck Ohio on the next election cycle. Anyway, I was never anti-Tim Tebow, I was anti-the Tim Tebow love fest before he played for Florida. I don't believe you can talk trash about recruits. That's a firm line I draw.
Once I saw Tebow on the field, I was pretty convinced. In fact, once I saw Tebow throwing lasers as he warmed up for the Florida-South Carolina game in 2006 I was blown away. Up to that point I hadn't seen Tebow throw the ball very much so I thought there was still a legitimate question about his abilities at quarterback. After that I knew he had a cannon. By the way, has anybody else gone back and watched the Two-A-Days when Tim Tebow's team played? Did anyone else in the SEC know what hell Tebow was going to rain down on the rest of the SEC? Could you have even watched if you'd known?
Tebow is the greatest college football player I've ever seen. Bar none. There I said it.
As for Urban Meyer, I still think the verdict is out on him. He's clearly a good coach, but I don't think we can foist the mantle of great coach on him until he wins an SEC Title without Tim Tebow. (Before you email me, the freshman year SEC title and national championship owes a great deal to Tebow. In fact, I can think of at least two fourth down conversions that Tebow converted by himself, at UT and against South Carolina. Fail on either and Florida might not even when the SEC East that year.)
Alex Perkins writes:
Clay,
Do you think Orgeron chose UT over LSU so he could bide his time and pad his wallet/resume somewhere else before taking over at LSU in a year or two when Les Miles gets fired? Speaking of Miles, now that The Hills is over do you think he will tune in for The City and Bromance spinoffs?
The only thing surprising about Bromance is that Les Miles isn't on the show. How awesome would this have been? If during the opening scene where they gather all the guys from their beds and take them to the mansion, if you see Les Miles sleeping in his bed in the nightvision shot. He'd have the LSU hat on, wouldn't he? I know he sleeps in that thing. Probably nude in just the cap. Then when they were dragging him down the hall, Miles would inexplicably begin doing naked cartwheels while rapping Gin and Juice. Right then and there Brody Jenner would stop the show and announce he'd found his new Bro. Once more, Les Miles's errant decision making would win the day.
What was the question again? I can't stop thinking about Miles as a contestant on Bromance.
Drew Harkins writes:
C'lay,
Sure you've received the tip already, but I haven't found a mention of South Carolina punter Spencer Lanning.
While arguably androgynous, it's also unmercifully fratty. Perhaps in the offseason, he'll star as the coxswain in Caleb and Chas's latest release.
Coxswain is one of many words you can use that are always funny. Others off the top of my head? Poonhound, bicurious, svelte, and cans (in reference to breasts). Spencer Lanning? You know when he shanks a punt, he just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Doesn't matter, my dad has a yacht."
Ben'ji writes:
C'lay, Just been killing BCS season drinking heavily and reading your website. And for whatever reason it suddenly occurred to me that right now in both college football and basketball, arguably the top players in their respective sports are both white, Tim Tebow and Tyler Hansborough. However, what I find to be more interesting is that neither athlete is considered to be a lock for pro sports. Has that ever happened, the top two athletes in their sports stay in college because they aren't considered talented enough to be a top 10 pick?
Great question. Shane Battier's senior season comes to mind in college basketball. So does Charlie Ward at Florida State. I haven't trusted the NFL or the NBA since. Remember how no NFL team would draft Ward, but every NBA team wanted him? Yet if you watched the games you were never impressed with Ward in basketball and always impressed with him in football. I still think this is one of the weirdest things I've ever seen. Ward won the Heisman by the largest margin of anyone other than O.J. Simpson, won a national title, won the top award for quarterback and then the Knicks took him in the first round. So weird.
Anyway, clearly the NBA and the NFL are racist against Tebow and Hansborough. That's the only possible explanation.
Great find. From the bio: "A'uston Brandon Calhoun was born June 25, 1990, in Detroit, Mich. ... currently undecided on a major ... son of La'Tanya Cash-Calhoun." I'm not even going to ask how you found this. Somethings are better not to know.
Matt Dean writes:
Clay, Beeing a fan of good beards my self I was curious as to wether or not you would consider any of Ryan Reynolds beards BGID, be it Amittyville Horror or Smoking Aces. Keep in mind he is married to Scarlett Johansson.
Ryan Reynolds is BGID. My only reticence with him is that he always appears shirtless in his movies or television shows. Eventually this needs to stop. Or his wife has to appear topless in every movie where he appears shirtless. That's more than a fair trade.
Josh writes:
According to this article, the Utah Attorney General is looking into bringing anti-trust action against the BCS. A while back, I sent you an e-mail in which I claimed that I thought the Rose Bowl’s financial setup constituted anti-trust violations. Maybe I was right!
But looking deeper into this, I think suing the Rose Bowl instead of the entire BCS is an easier case to make, plus it seemingly avoids the problem of bringing litigation against an organization whose members include state institutions from the same state as the party bringing suit (i.e. Utah and Utah State being part of conferences that comprise the BCS, as mentioned in the article). If the Rose Bowl is sued independently, one could reason that the Rose Bowl is an affiliated party with the BCS, but not an actual BCS entity, allowing the Utah Attorney General to sidestep the problem of possibly bringing a lawsuit against state institutions that it supports while still making a public stand against the current BCS setup. And by suing the Rose Bowl, you would be removing what many believe to be the main obstacle currently preventing the move to a playoff system.
Your thoughts?
As a lawyer I'm in favor of anyone being sued for anything so long as it's not me being sued. I've been sued once. Although I was never served. While I was sitting around waiting to get served I was thinking, "Man, it really sucks to get sued." Now, mind you, I've sued quite a few people in my time. But never been on the other foot.
Diving in, there seems like there might be a standing issue. Namely, what's the injury in fact here? Why would the state of Utah have a concrete and particularized injury in a California court against the Rose Bowl? Finally, is there really any likelihood of redress?
I'm not even sure of what exactly the claim is relying on: Would we be arguing that Utah is unfairly being excluded based upon the collusion between the Big Ten and the Pac-10? Isn't the Rose Bowl obligated to take the two best teams on occasion--Texas and USC--for instance? So, in theory, if Utah was one of the two best teams in the BCS standings and the Rose Bowl hosted the championship game, they'd be selected.
I think it's an interesting theory, and God knows the Rose Bowl sucks and is deserving of being sued, I'm just not sure what legal basis we could attach to sue them individually. Even if they're the biggest dickheads of the bowls, they're still not acting independently of the other teams in making their choices. Someone else who specializes in this area of the law is welcome to write in and give us a better analysis.
Joe writes:
Dear Cla’y
As someone who has been afflicted with Non-BGID-Status-Disease, I need your opinion on the “pregnant man”. Being that he/she has a beard due to unnatural circumstances, can it be said that the pregnant “man” is BGID? If so where does that put women with beards? As a man who ashamedly can only grow a Jim Rome-esque goatee, I fear our kind are being phased out but recognize the power of the beard.
P.S. As an FSU fan I must point out that only UF girls have bingo wings. FSU women are quite attractive and have solid triceps due to multiple reps of tomahawk chops. The “chomp” is not conducive for anything really.
The pregnant man is not BGID. You can't inject yourself with testosterone and become BGID. You just can't. We have to draw the line somewhere. For instance, if you went to a Halloween party dressed as Abraham Lincoln and wore a paper beard made out of construction paper is there any doubt that you wouldn't be BGID? Same thing here.
Speaking of BGID, Tardio, after seven years of ridiculing me for having a beard, just went BGID over Christmas break. What happens immediately? He has three women fighting over him. It's uncanny. Yesterday he pulled me aside and said, "I have to admit, nothing else has changed but the beard."
Bring your beards and your pink dolphin floaties and chill for the game. I'm trying this thing out for the first time on here. Be honest, it's Wednesday night and you're watching the game by yourself anyway, you might as well turn your laptop on and join the fun.
If this goes well we may try out the BCS Title Game as well.
Several of you have emailed wanting me to break down the legal basis for Utah's attorney general to sue the BCS for anti-trust violations. And I'll tell you this right now, hell no, I'm not doing legal research for free. It ain't happening. Lots of lawyers enjoy pretending they are experts in every facet of the law. Not this one. I don't know a single thing about anti-trust law. I didn't even take it in law school. So even though I'm a lawyer I'm not going to pretend I have a firm grasp of the legalities involved in a potential lawsuit against the BCS. All I'm comfortable with is that I know more about this than Les Miles and Snoop Dogg do.
To his credit Utah's AG, Mark Shurtleff, says his people are still researching the law to determine the most efficacious manner to proceed. In lawyer terms, this means he currently has no idea what his best argument is either. Or, more likely, he already knows that this lawsuit would be a loser and wants to get credit for being outraged. So he went ahead and tipped off the local reporters and then, because there's so much anger about the BCS, the national media came charging up as well. I don't really have an issue with any of this.
Here's what I do have an issue with: no state political figure is going to make a legitimate case against the BCS by filing a lawsuit that is based on his home state team getting screwed. It just isn't going to happen. Nothing has changed this year in the BCS that didn't exist beforehand. Only Utah got screwed. (Although, to be fair, at least Utah got a chance to play in one of the five BCS games. They weren't completely excluded.) What we need is a broad coalition of political figures to make this move without the perception that they're currying political favor with their home-state constituents. The BCS sucks. It deserves to be destroyed.
By any means possible.*
I'm also sick of sportswriters first response being, "Don't they have more important things to do?" Yeah, they do. They aren't making a living as sportswriters. In fact, instead of throwing out this accusation and pretending that Utah's AG is only pursuing one or two cases at a time, why don't you fill us in on exactly how the Utah AG is spending his time. Better yet, why don't you tell us one other thing that the Utah AG is doing. Wait, what, you can't? Okay, then. His motives might not be pure, but don't rely on he should be doing something else as the justification for why he shouldn't be able to examine a flawed system.
Anyway, more on this later via emails, but I still say that a coalition of AG's representing non-BCS big six states, is what needs to happen.
*This may or may not include resurrecting Malcolm X.
Knowshon and Stafford Reportedly Bailing on Athens: Where Boobs Are Fun
Matthew Stafford and Knowshon Moreno are set to make a joint announcement at 2 this afternoon. But word from Bulldog faithful is that both are gone. Meaning now the only question is, what do Georgia fans think about the Stafford and Knowshon era?
Because when you get right down to it neither guy really accomplished very much. Neither ever won the SEC East or played in an SEC Championship Game. They were part of the Georgia team that waxed Hawai'i in the Sugar Bowl but otherwise, what did they really accomplish? They lost their final home game to a bitter state rival, got waxed in three big games this year after beginning the season ranked number one in the country; Stafford went 1-2 against Tennessee (the fact that Tereshinsky ever played is on him) and Florida. Moreno redshirted his first year (think that one might be regretted?) and only played two seasons of football. During that time he was electrifying but, still, it was only two years.
The expectations were high, perhaps too high, but neither man came close to matching what fans hoped for. Now you may be saying, that's because Willie Martinez sucks. And you might be correct about that. Clearly Georgia fans want these two guys back but if they truly leave, will they really be that fondly remembered?
To me Matthew Stafford will always be the slightly pudgy kid who is amazing at little league baseball but would rather build sandcastles in the dugout. This persona should fit him well with the, shudder, Detroit Lions. I'll tell you this much, boobs aren't fun in Detroit.
As for Knowshon, it's time for Georgia fans to anoint the next Herschel.
On a broader scale, if Tebow and Harvin left as well how wide open would the SEC be next year? I'll tell you....Ole Miss would be the returning favorite to win the league.
What?
Yeah, exactly.
We're trending towards the greatest collection of unproven SEC teams that have ever existed. 2009 should be interesting, very interesting.
Remember back in Dixieland Delight when I wrote about the SEC and the Big Ten as the co-equal branches of the college football hierarchy? Yeah, I was wrong. The Big Ten is dead, the Ohio State loss to Texas cemented this fact. I told my Michigan-grad wife this and she agreed. It's gotten to the point where Big Ten fans can't even defend themselves. By constantly harping on how much better the SEC is, we just look like bullies. The Big Ten finished 1-6 this bowl season. Yep, the same number of wins as the MAC and the Sun Belt. Only with more teams in bowls that could have potentially won.
So here's what I propose, give them the greatest indignity of all--indifference. At least Proust said that was the greatest indignity of all. If the bowl season means anything at all it should be this, no Big Ten team gets in next year over an equal team from the Big 12, the SEC, or the Pac-10. Period.
Last year I stripped the THE from Ohio State as penance for getting smoked by an SEC school for a second year in a row. This year? This year, I'm stripping the Big Ten of all rights to claim itself as a major conference power.
Several other things that have jumped out at me this bowl season.
1. What if Iowa's kicker misses that field goal? Penn State is playing Oklahoma for the National Championship on Thursday. How illegitimate would this have been?
2. If I had an AP vote, I'd give it to Utah. And it's not just based on one game--Utah beat the second best team in the Pac-10 (Oregon State), beat the second best team in the SEC, and beat a team in TCU that will finish in the top 10 of the country. Are they the best team in America? I don't think so. But I think they have as good of a case as anyone based on what transpired on the field. And here's the kicker, anyone who thinks the BCS is crap should vote for Utah to win. A split national champion would be the best thing that could happen to the BCS's illusory championship.
3. How screwed did Texas get to draw Ohio State? (To answer several of your mailbag questions, no, Ohio State didn't deserve a BCS bid.) Imagine if Texas plays Alabama and beats Alabama by the same margin that Texas did. Then Oklahoma goes out and beats Florida by a point. Are you telling me that the AP wouldn't have been justified in rewarding Texas for the head-to-head win over Oklahoma and giving them an AP national championship? As it was though, public opinion of Ohio State was so low there was no score Texas could have beaten them by short of 70 that would have really gotten anyone's attention.
4. Update on the bowl pick'em challenge. 236 of you signed up. Here's the top five:
1 Vols Bitch 2 Shaw's Ugly Fucklings 3 732 4 Athens - where boobs are fun 5 Fried Okra
I'm inclined to give the win to number four (helmed by Kevin K.) if only because that's what the official slogan of the city of Athens should be. Or the University of Georgia for that matter. UGa- Where boobs are fun.
I don't know about you but I'm sold.
5. Shifting gears, the other day one of my friends was ripping on Doug from The Hills. Only, he shouldn't have been. Why? Because Doug was the 8th overall pick in the 2004 baseball draft. At least according to his website.
6. The Rose Bowl is the biggest obstacle to a playoff system. Why? Because we have to protect the sweet sanctity of the Rose Bowl. God forbid the rest of the country get what they want, no, we have to protect the Rose Bowl's right to select a Big Ten team to lose. The Big Ten team has not won since 2000. But it's so majestic and beautiful. So is the afterlife. I don't want to be there either.
7. The hosannas for the Big 12 should cease as well. Barring a score with 16 seconds left the best teams in the Big 12 would be 0-3. As is, they're 1-2. Oh, and none of them have covered their spreads. Two of the favorites were outright losers by double digits. You think maybe that lack of defensive firepower is to blame?
8. I'm going to do a liveblog for Florida-Oklahoma on Thursday night here on the site. Hopefully we'll have a good time. Florida, by the way, is going to win by double digits. Book it.
Kentucky Fan Arrested For Snagging a Football In the Seats? You Betcha
Occasionally I get such entertaining email stories that they're worthy of being posted with no commentary. Such is the case with this email that I recently received from Erik Beckman. Keep reading this entire thing is like a movie script. It just keeps getting better.
Mr Travis,
I am currently reading Dixieland Delight and I gotta tell ya it's one of the best books I've ever read. It's like the tailgater's bible for college football. I looked up your site today and saw that on Facebook you have a section for great and funny stories about SEC football. I hope if you publish this you will send me a link.
First of all i must give a bit of a back story. I am from Somerset KY and have grown up a UK fan. Football games have only recently began being fun for Wildcat fans (except against your Vols) and since moving to Lexington 4 1/2 years ago I try to go to a few games a year. Though you gotta hand it to UK fans 1-11 or 11-1 the stadium will be full the only difference being at 1-11 we're drunk before and 11-1 we drink after the game. So anyway, I went to the UK-UT game last season (07) at Commonwealth. For starters my friend who who had the tickets, had sold my ticket because I was running about 15 minutes late so I had to buy another. Well, I get into the game and I make my way to the seats of my friend; the bench seats in the end zone.
At halftime I'm sitting in my seat and UT comes out to warm up. Now, it should be said that I am not your typical UK fan. When they are not playing UK, I'll root for the Vols or Louisville or any other team that is a UK rival if I don't like the team they're playing. I'm a fan of the game. Well, about 5 minutes til the start of the 2nd half, Britton Coulquitt kicks about a 15 yd field goal for practice, and with it being halftime the goalpost nets are down and the ball, a beautiful NCAA game ball with the UT Logo embossed on it lands right next to me. I dive for it and get it. The UK fans behind me start calling for me to throw them the ball. There's been a ritual at Commonwealth for years to take balls that come into the stands, pass them back to the top, and throw them over the side. Now as I said I'm a fan of the game. I've never had the pleasure of catching a foul ball at a baseball game or anything like that. The fact that this was a Tennessee ball was irrelevant to me. I, Erik Beckman, had caught the ball and these jerks wanted to take it and throw it over the side like this was Wrigley friggin' Field... Not with my ball!!!
So to draw attention away from what I had, I put the ball under my hoodie, got up, moved over a few seats to throw the bullies off, then went to the bathroom. Now, Clay, I swear to you and all your readers, that no official, or usher or cop ever asked or motioned to me to return that ball. As I went downstairs to the bathroom I stopped to talk to some friends and noticed a group of cops standing near us. I tried to stay cool and not act guilty, because truthfully I didn't and still don't feel like I did anything wrong.
Well they felt differently.
The main cop, a David Starsky type, grabbed my tricep and told me I'd be coming to have a chat with them. He pulled me over to the side and said I could give them the football or I could leave. I very politely told him that that was fine I would leave. He informed me if I left it would be in a police car. At this point I wasn't going to go to jail over my newly acquired 4 pieces of sewn leather. However, before I could remove the ball from my hoodie one of the cops grabbed my arm and cuffed me then took the ball.
It must be said that later after I had resigned myself to being arrested and the cop was filling out the paperwork and I told him that I was in no way trying to get out of trouble but I was sorry to have done this. He looked at me and said something to the effect of he was tired of hearing stories from "people like me."
After this I was taken to jail and booked for theft and disorderly conduct (the disorderly conduct stemmed from according to the police report that I caused alarm among the fans when the police came into the stands after me even though I wasn't in the stands). When I got to jail the lady fingerprinting me read my file and rolled her eyes then asked if I had gotten to keep the ball. When I told her no she said, "Well that sucks!"
After I posted bail they were checking me out and one of the big burly guards reads my file and calls to his buddy and says "Hey Joe, check this out this kid got busted for keeping a football at the UK game." "No way," Joe said.
Oh yeah and while I was there I got to sit in the detention center and watch UK lose in Quadruple Overtime to UT for the nation-leading 23rd time.
While in there, I will tell you that I ran into my former supervisor (DUI) and a little brother of a girl I went to high school with (stealing peanuts off the table of an unattended tailgate). The little brother had told me that a friend of his mom was coming to pick him and his buddy, also arrested for peanut theft, up. No joke, I walked into the lobby and he was there with his buddy and his buddy's mom: an attorney from our hometown who also happens to be friends with my family (and you didn't think it could get any worse). The only good thing that came out of this day of Dante was this:
I sent an email to Phil Fulmer at UT about a month later and told him my story. Good Ol' Phil, responded by sending me a brand new Adidas Game Ball.
Truly outstanding. I'd love to know how the peanut-wrangling case ended up getting settled. Can anyone top a more depressing setting than your team losing for the 23rd straight time to a bitter rival, in quadruple overtime, after you've been arrested for keeping a football that went into the stands?
If so, I want to hear about it.
Regarding Fulmer and the footballs, I was told the state of Tennessee actually intervened and stopped Fulmer from sending out team footballs that he had signed for people because the because the footballs were too expensive. This doesn't sound entirely valid, why would the state of Tennessee be involved? More likely it was the athletic department. But I do know that Fulmer responded like this to an awful lot of fans who contacted him or that he heard about and thought a signed football would help brighten their day.
Colt McCoy's Girlfriend Is Better Looking Than Yours...Probably
Ahh the life of Colt McCoy, you throw a touchdown pass with 16 seconds left to beat Ohio State, go hit the showers, and then come out and get to meet your college girlfriend, a 6 foot volleyball player from Baylor. Who, you know, happens to be smoking hot.
As if that weren't enough she's also interested in global issues. Otherwise why would she be wearing a bikini that says, "I like the sun?" High five, French scholar in the house.
Anyway, if Colt and Rachel Glandorf have children, they are starting life on third base. If they have a daughter hopefully Fox will grow up and meet her in his future life.
Anyone else think Fox (the network not my son) blew it by not interviewing her during the game? Me too.
Greatest Idea Ever? Chickipedia Meets Elin Grindemyr
Monday, January 5, 2009
So I'm killing time during the Fiesta Bowl and decide to google my good friend Elin Grindemyr and see if there is anything new with her. You know, what with our great personal relationship and all, I just like to keep tabs on her. What do I see on the front page, a link to something called chickipedia.
What's the noble goal of chickipedia? To condense all the hottest chicks on earth into one database. We throw around the word genius too frequently these days. Everyone's a genius at something.
Well, my friends, chickipedia is genius. Pure, unadulterated, Albert Einstein meets Thomas Jefferson genius.
Here's the profile on Elin Grindemyr. Yep, you really can see her measurements and click on other chicks who have bodies like hers. Once they add hair color, height, weight, and whatnot, you'll actually be able to build your ideal girl. This won't waste any of your valuable time at all.
Can I buy stock in chickipedia? This thing is going to be huge.
Oh and about the Fiesta Bowl, pretty soon Colt McCoy's girlfriend is going to be on here too. That will be more interesting than this game.
In case you missed the fireworks. You can read all the excitement. It's linked here.
I'm going to be live-blogging with some Florida Gator fans tonight for the Fiesta Bowl. Here's the link to that. Come swing by and hang out with us.
I've also promised Kige that I'll stop by and say hi with him as well. Should be fun. Hopefully Ohio State will get waxed again so that Texas can lay claim to a quarter of the national championship.
Our Old Friend Cowboy Copes With Alabama's Loss to Utah
Link courtesy of Hunter Roberts who had this to say:
Our friend and 'Bama wordsmith Cowboy in TN was good enough to commemorate the 2009 Sugar Bowl . . . while doing his best redneck-John Lennon / Dywane Wayne impression.
Somewhere close to 2:40 - with the possibilities seemingly limitless - Cowboy in TN informs us that "now I have to go onto future endeavors." What could these possibly be? Child pornography? Longer mullet? NASCAR Official?
Someone needs to coordinate a joint appearance by Kige and Cowboy. Quickly . . . before their dizzying intellects reap opportunities of greater rewards.
My favorite part of this video? (Aside from the sunglasses which I'm convinced are covering up such tear-stained eyes he can barely see.)
This final line.
"All I got to say is one word....Roll Fuckin' Tide...Roll Fuckin' Tide." A perfect epitaph. That one word for Cowbly is like Nick Carraway's green light in Gatsby. Perfection. That or the funeral oration of Pericles. I'm torn.
Savannah Baby Billboard Overrun By Apostrophe Names
Nikki writes:
Clay, Hi! I'm a long time fan and reader, but I don't recall ever reading about this sign on your site. I live in Savannah, GA, and we have a digital billboard that the hospitals update with the names of all the new babies born that week. There have been some CLASSICS, and my family and I have to go check the status of the board weekly (yes we need to get a life). However, when I drove by this past week's sign, I knew I had to send you a picture. Some of the names have been cut off, because it's hard to drive and take a picture, but of the 12 names on the board, 5 have apostrophes! Did you know you were predicting a huge trend, or do you think the parents are all Claynation faithful? Hope you have a great New Year, and enjoy the attached photo! Thanks for making life more entertaining!
This is outstanding. 5 out of 12! This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that 42% of Georgia babies born in 2009 will have apostrophes in their names. Also, everyone in Savannah reads my column and my books. Like R. Kelly at the 8th grade graduation, I have a 100% penetration rate.
How long is it going to be before SEC recruiting analysts recognize the power of the apostrophe and start combing state birth records to predict conference championships? Clearly Georgia is well on their way.
But let's get down to serious business here, we have to rank the four visible apostrophe names from this billboard. Otherwise driving on the interstate and taking pictures is just worthless.
Drum roll.
My favorite is A'Quilla Simmons. Plainly just rolling with Quilla would have been massively confusing and gotten her confused with everyone. Second favorite? Ka'lah Hall. Just when you think there are no more ways for a Southern person to spell Ka'lah, momma goes and does her daughter proud. Third favorite? Na'Zharee. How many different ways are there to potentially pronounce this name? 28? 48? I honestly have no idea. Just that her mom will be furious when its inevitably mispronounced by her teacher. Fourth favorite is Antonie' Dublin. Even the Irish are getting in on the act! James Joyce would be so proud. Antonie''s first St. Patrick's Day in Savannah will be superb.
Word is, due to the popularity of the apostrophe in Savannah, all new printings of Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil will now feature eight random apostrophes in the title.
ClayNation Hand Sign on Dick Clark's New Year's Eve?
I went to bed at 10:30 on New Year's Eve. This is the earliest I've gone to bed on New Year's Eve since I was 6. Welcome to fatherhood. That year, way back in 1985, I stayed up late enough for the ball dropping. But I only lasted until 11 central because my mom tricked me and I didn't really grasp the concept of timezones. So when the ball dropped at midnight eastern I was incredibly proud of myself and went to bed about five minutes later.
I did welcome in 2009 shortly after the New Year--at 12:08 central--when someone fired three gunshots in my neighborhood to celebrate. Hopefully the gun was slanted and not pointed directly up.
The next morning I woke up, flipped on my blackberry, and saw this email from Jay: "ClayNation hand sign was definitely just thrown on Dick Clark New Year's Eve by guy in Kentucky jacket!"
(Eliminating the suspense early, it wasn't Kige.)
From there Jay's investigation continued. Specifically he had to figure out how to get something from his DVR onto youtube. And he made the mistake of asking me. Of course I had no idea how to manage this. Eventually it led to this email,
Okay, I'm attaching my first homemade YouTube video. It's like the Zapruder film of the ClayNation hand sign. Tell me what you think. I tried to do images, but none of them came out clearly. I'd say I'm 90 percent positive he's doing it. No thumb, but that's a common error, and he does it enough times after pointing to the UK on his jacket that I'm not sure what else it could be.
Once you give the okay, I'll post it to YouTube and send you the link.
Let me tell you, "I'm attaching my first homemade..." sounds like the opening to a grand jury investigation that ends with me saying, "Let me clarify...I thought the mistake of law/mistake of fact distinction applied for underage porn."
By the way I got deposed the other day (don't worry, as a witness, I'm not going anywhere) and it was my first time being deposed. But I'm also a lawyer so I've deposed people before. But, man, being deposed as a witness really sucks. Anyway, I got lectured because I was objecting to questions for relevancy, scope, leading, you name it. Has anyone else ever been in this position?
But with o this video I was safe. And now it's up on youtube for everyone to see. Which you've doubtless done by now.
I have no idea who this guy is, but given our prior ability to identify anyone affiliated with an SEC school, I'm confident someone does. So, who is this and what was his mysterious hand sign? Was it an intent to colonize the Dick Clark show? A flashback to 1988 with a waving peace sign? Let the mystery be unraveled. Here it is once more.
USC's Rey Maualuga Treats Erin Andrews Like A Fat Girl
How many times in her life has Erin Andrews been the girl who gets mocked in public? If you said never you're probably right. Courtesy of reader Bob Cook comes the above video.
What are the odds Erin Andrews is madly flipping through plastic surgery magazines this weekend trying to figure out what she needs to do to keep this from ever happening again. Right now it's the fake booty dance. Tomorrow? Tomorrow it could be bunny ears.
Mailbag: Vandy Football, Cannon Smith, Androgynous Punters, On Rocky Top, Ole Miss Over Texas Tech and More
Friday, January 2, 2009
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is the entire Vanderbilt football team. Winning your first bowl game since 1955 does that for a team. Especially when I'm at the game. Four quick things that jumped out at me about this game:
1. As I'm walking over the bridge to the game a dad is walking with his two sons. The dad says, "If I dropped these tickets would you jump in the river after them?" (His wife would not be happy with this hypothetical.) Without skipping a beat his son says, "Yeah, because otherwise dad, I'd be 38 before we got to go to another game."
The kid was 12. Vandy fans, what math skills.
2. As I'm standing in line for a beer, a reader named Tom greets me and says, "I told my friend from Ole Miss about your sorority contest. She says she's nominating her sorority."
3. Vandy went 1-15 on third downs and won this game. Unbelievable. There were so many weird plays that went in their favor. I guess they were due.
4. Kickers with androgynous names? How about Brett Upson--Vandy's punter who was the MVP of the bowl game. Unbelievable.
So congrats to our first beaver pelt trader of the week from 2009. On to the mailbag.
I'm touched. Now I have to live up to a five-star review that appears before I've finished the book. For the record I'm on page 307 and counting. Tip of the beaver pelt to Jennifer. Only Vandy's win kept the beaver pelt off of you. Which, come to think of it, just doesn't sound very good. Maybe it's for the best.
Zach writes:
Clay, is it too early to call Ole Miss SEC West favorites for 2009. We killed your boy Leach. Killed.
Hotty Toddy, Wait, did you kill him or not? I don't want to say Ole Miss fans are overly giddy but this email came in before the game was even complete. Although I did love Leach being called a riverboat gambler about 15 times by the horrible announcing team for this game.
Great win for the SEC. I'm going to have a write-up of the bowl games up this weekend along with a roster of the standings for our bowl pick'em. But suffice it to say, Ole Miss looked good, very good.
I'll say this, taking aside Stafford who should go pro and Tebow who I hope goes pro, Jevan Snead will be the best quarterback in the SEC next fall. At least the best returning qb. Given that Houston Nutt seems to own Les Miles and LSU of late, I'm inclined to think it will come down to Ole Miss or Alabama. And I think, right now, as of this date, I'd take Ole Miss as my early, early favorite in the SEC West. There, enjoy.
Andreas Hadrich writes:
Hi,
i’m a great football fan from germany. This year we spent our holiday for x-time in Florida. The deal with my girlfriend is: watching live-football on Saturday and Sunday and going shopping the rest of the week. It’s a tough deal doing 5 days power shopping in change for 6 hours of live-football. But after all, it’s okay. We visit games at the Canes, Fins, Gators (against your friend Spurrier) and Tampa.
Every year I’m looking around for books with some funny football storys. This year I find the DDT and stress with my girlfriend started. Could we go…no I have to read the next two pages. Can we…no i have to read the next pages. End the end of the book, I had a great idea (for me it was a great idea and to my own surprise my girlfriends says “why not”): Some days, I want to visit all the SEC-Stadiums like you did in one season. So, i hope at some day, i will be the first german who make the DDT. This means 14 weeks on holiday around with SEC-Football, must be the heaven. I will plan it well, make a finance-plan and will spent some ideas about how to agree this trip with mine and my girlfriends job.
Thank you for the inspiration and good luck for 2009,
Fan mail from Germany...bang. My New Year's checklist is almost complete. Now I just need to have a threesome with my wife and Elin Grindemyr and write a bestselling book. As for Europe, I'm golden. You'll recall that Man the Book was an inexplicable bestseller England. Now I'm the Valkyrie of SEC football. Only without the eyepatch and the Nazi background. On second thought, I'm the Chancellor Merkel of SEC football in Germany. That makes much more sense.
J.E. Brown writes:
C'lay,
I think you're on to something with the kicker's names, but I'd like to extend a couple more examples that, while not androgynous names, could support some form of your theory: Florida K Caleb Sturgis and P Chas Henry. All season long I've made the joke that they sould like they should be on our crew team instead of football. Do you think if Chas was named Colt he'd be a quarterback? I think I read that he played both positions in high school.
Brett Upson getting the MVP seals this as far as I'm concerned. Chas Henry has been at Florida since 1985. I'm convinced of it. The only reason we haven't all noticed is because he's the punter.
Caleb and Chas? I'd be nervous there's so gay porn somewhere in their backgrounds. I'm just sayin'.
Jimmy Bowles writes:
C’lay,
I started reading The Blind Side on the flight home from New Orleans before Christmas. I love how the book starts off talking about my favorite NFL player when I was a kid, LT. (My favorite baseball player as a kid was Darryl Strawberry, so I idolized crack heads in my youth which explains a lot now.) But my point is that my biggest surprise was not that a rich white family adopted the poor, illiterate black kid who had never passed a single class on his own merit, or that he failed at least 2 grades and missed school for at least 18 months and was still a 16 year old sophomore, or the fact that he was eligible to play high school sports or get into college with his grades, but that Collins Tuohy’s boyfriend was Fred Smith’s son, the founder of FedEx. I love how rich people are able to find rich people.
Also, they are making a movie from this book, so who would you cast for Collins? Here is a link for the audition for Michael.
Great email. Let me reiterate how good of a book The Blind Side is. Just amazing. Now, little known fact, Michael Oher trained for the NFL Draft with me at D1. He's one of the early stars of the book before he bails on training and heads back to school.
Anyway we had a conversation about who he thought should play him in the movie. He really liked my suggestion of Denzel in a fat suit.
But you've hit one of my favorite parts of the book, the fact that the founder of FedEx, Fred Smith, named his son Cannon. How ballsy is this? What if Cannon Smith was like 5'2 and weighed 340 pounds?
Can you imagine being the son of a billionaire, dating a smoking hot chick who cheers for Ole Miss and is the daughter of the most famous white basketball player in your school's history, being virtual brothers in law with the best player on the football team, and going to Ole Miss? I guess what I'm saying is, I'm completely envious of Cannon Smith.
Update, I decided to Google Cannon Smith and it looks like he's actually a quarterback at Miami. Why Miami? Because of this paragraph:
Smith threw for 2,314 yards and had 34 touchdowns (27 passing) at Olive Branch (Miss.) High in 2006. But shortly after that season ended, Smith was charged with having ecstasy in the Mercedes he was driving, and that wound up sending him to prep school at Hargrave Military Academy in Virginia, where he wound up being one of the most coveted recruits at the prep level and threw for 476 yards in a single game.
So Cannon Smith, billionaire scion, is also a stud quarterback in Miami? I mean, I give up.
Want more information? Here goes:
There's one part of his past that Cannon Smith will never shake. The first name, perhaps the most perfect name ever given to a quarterback.
Alas, it's just a nickname, one he got shortly after birth, long before his family knew he'd be blessed with a powerful arm. His given name is Frederick Buchanan Smith, named for his great-grandfather, Capt. James Buchanan Smith, who guided steamships through the South. Buchanan got shortened to Cannon, and six years later, the kid who is the youngest of 10 children started playing football.
"I've heard plenty of plays on words about my name," said Cannon Smith, who as a high schooler had a role in the film "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants," which was released in 2005. "Hey, it's fun."
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants? I have it on good authority Cannon Smith didn't even believe women wore pants because they wound up down so fast whenever he was around.
Now, on to the question of who should play Collins Tuohy? I've got the perfect chick, Kristen Bell from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. She's petite, blond, and looks incredibly young.
Kige Ramsey...Still Got IT (I'm his guest for his Sugar Bowl live blog)
In case you've been sitting around the house this week thinking, "Man, my life would be 2,000% better if I could throw a football. Kige Ramsey is here to be your guide.
As if this weren't enough (and I know it is) I'll be Kige's guest for his live-blog of the Alabama-Utah game tonight at 7. Where can you read the greatest live blog tandem in the history of the universe? Why, right here of course.
Tim Tebow Plays Right Tackle For Cincinnati Under the Alias Khalil El-Amin
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Josh Sims writes:
C'lay,
Your worst fears have come true. Tim Tebow really can do it all--including playing right tackle for Cincinnati during the Orange Bowl. I would like to admit this into evidence as Exhibit 1 that Fox (the network, not your son, who could probably do a better job) has no idea what it’s doing covering college football.
I also wonder which is the more egregious error on Fox’s part – putting Tim Tebow’s face on a graphic showing Cincinnati’s starting offensive linemen, or putting Tim Tebow’s face on screen and not putting a yellow All-American box around his face?
Outstanding find. This might be Tim Tebow's worst fear too: being confused with a Muslim. How great would it be if Fox switched Tebow's picture for the BCS Title Game and instead of Tebow they had Khalil El-Amin's picture. Only they double-goofed and used Khalid El-Amin's picture from UConn basketball.
I have no idea how something like this happens. Maybe it's a lame joke the Fox production staff was playing and it didn't get caught in time. Hey, it's Cincinnati-Virginia Tech and the staff is out in Miami for New Year's Eve, you might make that error too. Hell, who am I kidding, I can barely name a player on Cincinnati's team anyway. Depending on the time difference Tim Tebow could have been playing right tackle for the Bearcats all year and we just didn't notice.
Admit it, when they put their heads together you were hoping they were going to make out.
Also, early 2009 quiz for y'all: smoking hot blond girl with pink top, real or fake?
The answer?
Pursuant to the rules of ClayNation, fake breasts don't exist. Thanks to the great theory espoused by a true genius from Auburn who is afraid he'll get fired if he's named as the source for this bit of knowledge: "If it's inside the skin, it isn't fake." Words to live by gents, words to live by.
Thank you for reminding us blond girl, thank you every one. (By the way whatever sorority those girls is in at Ole Miss is in the bracket challenge. Let me know. I know one of you sick bastards has been facebook stalking one of these girls for the past three years.)
And you know how we're celebrating. Tell 'em about it Jojo.
I was at Vandy-Boston College for the Music City Bowl when my phone started exploding. I was afraid Layla had left Lane for Billy Gillispie. Nope, it was just the arrival of Coach O in Knoxville. Honestly, with the way UT fans reacted to this hire you'd think we just found an extra year of collegiate eligibility for Peyton Manning.
Can you imagine how awesome November is going to be in Oxford? When the Vols roll in and Coach O. is hopping around on the sideline. Be honest though, if I'd told you one year ago that you'd have a halfie on the first day of 2009 over Coach O's arrival in Knoxville, you'd have thought we all hit the moonshine again.
Please, for the love of God, the Hummer dealerships in Knoxville have to do a new commercial. They just have to.
Travis has become enamored of several objects, phrases or events which he frequenly references in the column. Among the most frequent:
'Bama Bangs - a term coined by Travis to refer to southern men's hairstyles that feature prominent bangs for no apparent reason. Brodie Croyle and John Parker Wilson are oft-cited violators of 'Bama Bangs rules.
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When Clay Travis, acclaimed author of Dixieland Delight, decided to spend the 2008 season up close and personal with UT football, he—and every other college football aficionado—thought he was in for a rollicking ride with one of the leading contenders for the national title. After all, when the Vols kicked off the season on September 1, the defending SEC East champions were ranked 18th in the country. As head coach Phillip Fulmer prepared for the game, he reflected upon a coaching career that included an astounding 147 victories, two SEC championships, and a national title. With 34 years at UT under his belt as both a player and coach, the Tennessee native had just signed a contract extension that projected to keep him at the university long enough to become the winningest coach in program history.
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There is no college ball more passionate and competitive than football in the Southeastern Conference, where seven of the twelve schools boast stadiums bigger than any in the NFL and 6.5 million fans hit the road every year to hoot and holler their teams to victory.
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The newly favored man is not really a man at all, but a hairless, effeminate, germ-fearing, non-meat-eating, exfoliating, wristband-wearing woman of the worst order. We as men are told that we must embrace the sacred feminine in ourselves, even if it doesn't actually exist, and become the very quintessence of woman, plus penises. This situation is untenable. This trend must stop.
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Clay Travis is the only former student manager in the history of college athletics to marry an NFL cheerleader. He managed to pull this off despite an irrational affinity for the television shows Dawson's Creek and My Super Sweet 16. While being raised in Nashville, Tenn., Travis developed a healthy obsession with college sports and Alyssa Milano. As a teenager his greatest accomplishment was taking a doo-rag wearing Luke Duke (balling as Tom Wopat) to the hole at the Nashville YMCA.
In the midst of a stellar legal career during which he specialized in rewarding the unjust and punishing the oppressed, Travis began writing for CBS Sports's SPiN section in September 2005...
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