Our beaver pelt trader of the week is, be still my beating heart, my coaching crush Mike Leach. As if it weren't enough that he went on "Friday Night Lights" -- spoiler alert, I have to wait until January to watch the show because I don't have DirecTV -- after the loss to Texas A&M, Leach blamed the loss, partly, on the players' "fat little girlfriends." Given the status of bingo wings in Florida, Urban Meyer should file this excuse away. It's much better than blaming the flu for poor performances.
Not to be outdone, as reader Chris V. e-mails, "There is now a website up selling apparel at fatlittlegirlfriend.com.
Outstanding.
As many of you know, my college football picking war with my family's former French exchange student Audrey, continues. Last week, sigh, we picked the exact same teams in our six-game slate. So we both went 2-3-1. This means for the season I am now, wait for it, 20-20-2. The perfection of the number notwithstanding, it is impossible to be more average. I am, in effect, the reasonable college football fan. Meanwhile, Audrey is 16-23-3. My lead is slim as we lead into this week's slate of games.
Here are my picks below in bold:
Boise State -21.5 @ Louisiana Tech
Northwestern @ Iowa -16
Ohio State @ Penn State -4
LSU @ Alabama -9
Oklahoma -6 @ Nebraska
UConn @ Cincinnati -17
And here are Audrey's picks along with her rationales when given. Often, I have no idea what her rationales actually mean.
Boise
Northwestern for Chicago
Penn State for Paula
Alabama
Nebraska style
Cincy where is that?
On to All That and a Bag of Mail.
Matt R. writes:
Just finished reading On Rocky Top. Excellent read. Congrats. With your description of Phil Fulmer, I saw true class. That got me wondering. What is the "classiness" in the SEC as far as coaching goes?
I'm a huge fan of the other UT (Hook em Horns!), and think Mack Brown is a classy individual. While he may grandstand occasionally for the press, the man has a good heart and has a real team philosophy.
In the SEC, I see little left; the programs with class acts usually suck. The Spikes-eye-gouge incident highlights Meyer as a particularly win-centric coach. What are your thoughts?
My friends and I have actually had a bar debate about this, who do we think is genuinely the best guy among SEC coaches? In the debate we eliminate our favorite teams from contention and ask a basic question: If you had a son, who would you want him to play for because you know that even if they ended up sucking as a football player, they'd still be a better person for being around that coach?
And we thought about this for a long time. Immediately we tossed out Nick Saban, Bobby Petrino, Urban Meyer, Lane Kiffin and Houston Nutt as people we thought would be really great role models.
We didn't feel like we knew enough about Gene Chizik or Dan Mullen to make a determination.
We eliminated Les Miles because he's crazy. (Even though I'd give anything to have a relative play for Miles just for the stories.)
So that left us with Mark Richt, Bobby Johnson, Steve Spurrier and Rich Brooks to pick among.
And I think I'd have to go with Bobby Johnson among that group.
Now, I think there are certainly assistant coaches and coordinators who could make the list -- Monte Kiffin, Charley Strong -- for instance, but among head coaches, you're right, the pickings are getting slim.
Nate R. writes:
Once again, no mention of Oregon in your mailbag ... just the way we like it. If you think that USC will march into Autzen on Halloween night and beat the Ducks, you are sorely mistaken. This will be USC's worse loss points-wise in the Pete Carroll era.
I enjoy your work and have for a few years. Just a little pet peeve as a reader: please eliminate "look" and "listen" from your arsenal. We are already looking. We are not listening; we are reading. Thanks.
This is one of the best e-mail predictions I've ever gotten. Not just that USC would lose, but that it would be the worst loss of the Pete Carroll era?
Wow.
I did pick Oregon over USC in the picks, so I'm not sure I expected the Trojans to march in to Autzen and dominate.
As for the the looks and listens in the column, I write the column like I'm talking with you. Plus, let's be honest, many people who e-mail in their hate, are reading the column out loud while moving their lips. We know them as the Florida fans who go shirtless to games.
I want them to feel welcome.
Jesse H. writes:
On cell phones and toilets, I work in the cell phone industry and was a former tech for a carrier. Unfortunately, I saw many a wet phone courtesy of the toilet. The interesting thing, in my experience, was it happened to females more than males. I haven't spent a lot of company time thinking about it and how that was the case, but it has been discussed with co-workers trying to figure out how it happens way more to females. Just thought I would share that nugget of knowledge with you. Keep up the great writing!
Come for the sports, stay for the sociological reports on cell phone in toilet losses.
My guess here: women have to sit, exposing their pockets to disaster. This bests my prior theory, which is that women go to the bathroom together, become overcome with sexual desire for one another, passionately make out and lose their phones while deep in the throes of passion.
A Few Halloween Costume Suggestions:
Joey F. writes:
You could go as Archie Griffin, the ONLY two-time Heisman winner. Obviously that will still be true after this season.
Wrong, Tebow is going to win the Heisman. I don't necessarily think he deserves it this year -- conversely, I did think he deserved it last year -- but I do think he's going to get it.
Anthony H. writes:
Neither of these two costumes have anything to do with the game this weekend......but you could always go as Steve Tannyhill......whose powerful mullet lead to the downfall of Coach Majors.......
And of course a fat suit and a UK Jersey and you have none other than the hefty lefty.
Next year I'm throwing a Halloween party and every guy invited -- which will be like 10 people -- has to come as a former SEC quarterback.
And you have to come dressed as a fan other than the one you root for.
In a similar vein, all women will be required to dress as topless cheerleaders.
Adam D. writes:
Clay,
I think you should go as Man-kini from The SOUP. He has a beard, he wears a bikini top (great for 89 degree weather) and he has a cult following like yourself. Who knows maybe Joel McHale invites you on the show? Have a great weekend.
Travis has become enamored of several objects, phrases or events which he frequenly references in the column. Among the most frequent:
'Bama Bangs - a term coined by Travis to refer to southern men's hairstyles that feature prominent bangs for no apparent reason. Brodie Croyle and John Parker Wilson are oft-cited violators of 'Bama Bangs rules.
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When Clay Travis, acclaimed author of Dixieland Delight, decided to spend the 2008 season up close and personal with UT football, he—and every other college football aficionado—thought he was in for a rollicking ride with one of the leading contenders for the national title. After all, when the Vols kicked off the season on September 1, the defending SEC East champions were ranked 18th in the country. As head coach Phillip Fulmer prepared for the game, he reflected upon a coaching career that included an astounding 147 victories, two SEC championships, and a national title. With 34 years at UT under his belt as both a player and coach, the Tennessee native had just signed a contract extension that projected to keep him at the university long enough to become the winningest coach in program history.
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There is no college ball more passionate and competitive than football in the Southeastern Conference, where seven of the twelve schools boast stadiums bigger than any in the NFL and 6.5 million fans hit the road every year to hoot and holler their teams to victory.
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The newly favored man is not really a man at all, but a hairless, effeminate, germ-fearing, non-meat-eating, exfoliating, wristband-wearing woman of the worst order. We as men are told that we must embrace the sacred feminine in ourselves, even if it doesn't actually exist, and become the very quintessence of woman, plus penises. This situation is untenable. This trend must stop.
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Clay Travis is the only former student manager in the history of college athletics to marry an NFL cheerleader. He managed to pull this off despite an irrational affinity for the television shows Dawson's Creek and My Super Sweet 16. While being raised in Nashville, Tenn., Travis developed a healthy obsession with college sports and Alyssa Milano. As a teenager his greatest accomplishment was taking a doo-rag wearing Luke Duke (balling as Tom Wopat) to the hole at the Nashville YMCA.
In the midst of a stellar legal career during which he specialized in rewarding the unjust and punishing the oppressed, Travis began writing for CBS Sports's SPiN section in September 2005...
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