All That and a Bag of Mail: Ushering Version

Read the full mailbag here.

My opinion on fall weddings is clear: They shouldn't exist. Notwithstanding that fact, by the time you read this I'll be traveling to Atlanta for a wedding. My role? I'm an usher. Seriously, an usher. The quintessential position for men at weddings when you're not well-respected enough to stand in front of the crowd, but too well-known by the bride and groom to be left in the crowd. Instead you help people be seated.

Which is a great and noble thing to do if you're like 16. If you're an usher and you're 30, you just look ridiculous. So tip your beaver pelts this way this weekend, I'll be the usher hitting refresh on his phone to see what the scores of all the games are.

Anyway, our beaver pelt trader of the week is Colt McCoy's girlfriend. For obvious reasons ... reasons for which you should consult with our good friends at Google image search. Then look for my column on weddings, football, and the like by Sunday afternoon.

On to All That and a Bag of Mail.

As you'll no doubt recall, I continue to distinguish America by picking against my family's former French exchange student, Audrey. In particular, I soared out to a 3-3 record last week, while Audrey went 2-3 and left off one pick. So we'll call that a push and let her be 2-3-1.

I'm now 15-14-1 while Audrey is 11-17-2. Here are my picks for the weekend:

Oklahoma v. Texas -3.5

Iowa @ Wisconsin -2.5

Cal -4 @ UCLA

Arkansas @ Florida -24.5

Southern Cal -10 @ Notre Dame

South Carolina @ Alabama -17.5

And here are Audrey's:

TBD

James B. writes:

C'lay

If Jamarcus Russell went to Texas Tech, could he throw for seven TDs?

I thought about this after my buddy sai,d "I could put up those numbers at Texas Tech." I almost think he could, and believe he'd do it before JaMarcus could.

On the season or in one game?

I kid, I kid.

Here's all you need to know, Mike Leach found his kicker during a halftime contest. Could he plug in a No. 1 pick in the NFL draft and make him a star in college? One hundred percent yes. Mike Leach could plug anyone in at quarterback and make them a star. Even your mom.

Reality show worth watching: Mike Leach takes your mom and matches her up against the Georgia defense. Could she be a 300 yard passer? Would Georgia keep playing the run on play after play? I'm picturing the camera cutting away to Willie Martinez as he furiously chews on gum and stares out at the offense on the field. He's stacked the line for a run!

Again.

And again.

And again.

Meanwhile your mom is taking the snap, high kick of the leg (it's a silent count) and rolling right or rolling left hitting one receiver after another with her wobbly end over end pass as the receiver runs the drag route. Camera cuts to Martinez with his hands on top of his head staring at the sky.

Meanwhile your mom is doing the sigma sign on both sides of her helmet.

Anyway, recognizing defenses, like writing a Disney screenplay starring a pink dolphin that makes a billion dollars, is one of the few things in life I'd guarantee I'd be good at. So many college offenses only require passes of 40 yards and under that I think I could pull off some of these throws. Now, once I got hit on a pass, I'd curl up in the fetal position, suck on my thumb, and go chart passes on the sideline. But I'd definitely be quick enough to know where the ball should go.

Brad L. writes

I was thinking about throwing my beard a birthday party. He will be one year old soon.

By all means. Throw your beard a party. Why not? My beard will turn seven around Thanksgiving. Yep, I've had it since the fall of 2002. As beards go for 30-year-old men, it's like Methuselah at this point.

Also, my son turns 2 soon, and I'm sure we'll throw him a birthday party. But here's the deal, he doesn't have any friends that will come to the party. Remember when you look at the pictures of you turning 2 and there were all these other kids around and it was a wild party? Of course you actually remember none of it, but it was a really big deal.

Well, Fox doesn't have any friends his own age. Perhaps more ominously, we don't have any close friends with kids his age. So he's going to be the only kid at his second birthday party. At what age do you have to have kids at your party or you're a loser? Can we rent some?

Anyway, 2- year-olds don't really like each other. It's just another person trying to take Thomas the Train from you. They're basically like teenage girls in this respect, only you replace Thomas the Train with a gangly boy with braces.

Ben F. writes:

Clay,

Clear up this debate. If you took the SAT tomorrow, would you be smarter or dumber than you were at 18. SAT score wise, anyway.

Definitely dumber. Post-18, there's nothing that I've learned that would make me test better. That's primarily because I was always very good at the verbal sections of tests like that. And awful at math. So I wouldn't have improved on the verbal side of things and those are the skills I've continued to use. Whereas I can barely do any math now.

For instance, if you gave me a geometry test, I'd start to cry. Just think about all the things you know exist in the geometrical universe, for instance, but have no idea how to use or explain. The hypotenuse, obtaining angle measurements when they give you one number in the far right corner, protractors; there's a real argument to be made that geometry is the most useless skill that any of us learn in school. I mean that honestly. Since ninth grade, I've never had to know any of this stuff except for on the SAT or ACT.

But who has?

The .0001% of us who have gone on to be architects?

Maybe.

Why do the rest of us need to learn this?

Speaking of which, you know the only thing I remember really well from ninth grade geometry? My assigned seat was near the pencil sharpener. Remember the old-school pencil sharpeners on the wall? They were metallic silver and spit out all those pencil shavings that would end up in your eye and you couldn't see for like a week? The teacher would be talking and then someone would walk up to the pencil sharpener and you couldn't hear anything for about five minutes? Then a few teachers got the electric sharpeners and those things were the iPhone of the early 1990's. People would stand around and look at the electric sharpener like ancient man used to look at fire.

Anyway, whenever girls went to the old-school pencil sharpener and cranked the machine, it was the ninth grade equivalent of the stripper pole. Their entire bodies would move. It was a pencil peep show. We'd all hit each others arms when the hot girls went to the pencil sharpener.

Anyway, I'd be dumb, but not as dumb as I'd feel if I took the bar exam again.

Read the rest here.

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