It occurs to me that I never linked this. Because, of course, I'm an idiot. Here goes with last Friday's mailbag. Read the full thing here. As a special bonus, I'm currently drafting the mailbag now. So if you see this email, feel free to shoot me a line with a question at clay.travis@gmail.com and you've got decent odds on inclusion.
Ole Miss fans do not take kindly to being called white trash. Even when the person doing it is clearly just trying to get a rise out of them. In fact, they take so unkindly to it, that, should you do it, they'll find your home phone number, call your parents and threaten you with death. Ouch. They also might find out that you do some side work modeling. Luckily, local news is on the case as you can see by the preceding link.
So our beaver pelt trader of the week is this guy from Alabama.
Primarily because his 'Bama Bangs are so fantastic it's impossible for him to be injured by the angry mob of Mississippians who want him dead. His brain is encased with a force field of hair fluff. He'll survive. On to my picks against the French girl who has never seen football and All That and a Bag of Mail.
An update on Clay vs. the French girl. Last week, our fourth week of competition, I finally started to exert some old-fashioned North American dominance. I went 4-2 in picks while Audrey went 1-5.
That means our tally now stands:
Clay 12-11-1 Audrey 9-14-1
Here are our games this week. My picks are in bold:
Georgia @ Tennessee -1.5 Oregon -3.5 @ UCLA Alabama -5 @ Ole Miss
Florida -7.5 @ LSU
Michigan @ Iowa -8
Colorado @ Texas -32
Audrey's Picks:
Tennessee UCLA Florida Iowa Colorado
Chad M. sends us this link, along with this message: Be sure to let your female Florida fans know about this.
I'll save you the click-thru, Little Debbie is giving away 2 million free snack cakes. If proportions hold true, 450 thousand of them or thereabouts will end up on Florida's campus. Josh B. writes:
As you know, Tim Tebow was rocking the beard over the summer, but got rid of it at the start of the season. It appears now that he has started to grow it back, knowing full BGID powers once more. Clearly it was grown in an effort to combat the concussion, and he will start on Saturday.
A few years ago, I argued that Kimbo Slice and other thickly-bearded fighters had a real advantage in MMA. My position was that the beard was the equivalent of moss being draped on the face. And that if two people of equal talent were fighting, the guy with the moss on his face would win because his face was more cushioned from the blows.
Wouldn't a thick beard also lessen the impact if you got hit from the underside of your helmet?
Couldn't the same also be true of thicker hair inside a helmet? Like if you were a running back and you had dreads or an afro wouldn't you be less likely to get a concussion than someone with a shaved head?
Anyway, I have zero doubt that the beard will lead Tebow to victory in the Swamp on Saturday. But am I completely out of line on my beard and thick hair limiting of concussion theory or not?
I don't think so.
We need a doctor to e-mail and set us straight.
Dan J. writes:
Clay,
What's with the emasculation of every guy on television of late? Jim from The Office, Turtle from Entourage, Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men, even Brody Jenner on The Hills. Is it just me or are these guys impossible to watch now?
Great, great point. I used to love Jim. Now? He's really just a puss-bucket.
Same with Turtle. That scene with the UCLA sorority girl in the Entourage finale almost made me want to throw up. Jamie Lynn Sigler is awful on the show too. Why would he want to date her? I don't get it. As for Sheen, the relationship needs to end. At least I think it does.
I disagree a bit on Brody Jenner since I think unlike the other three guys above, his appeal was mostly with women to begin with. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think most guys really looked to Brody Jenner as the epitome of coolness, Did we envy his girls? Yes.
Would we have liked to hang out with him?
I don't think so.
Of course, I might not be the best guy to answer this question anymore. As I watched the new season of The Hills the other night, I was riding an elliptical in my own house. Yep, we own an elliptical machine. Also, I took time out to send a Tweet. This is what five years of marriage does to a man.
I do think there's a common thread here, though. Every show with independent men eventually succumbs to the feminine desire for them not to be independent anymore. It's like when you go to a romantic comedy and you like the first half and then she likes the second half. How many times have you been at a movie and thought to yourself, this thing is going to be one of the funniest movies I've ever seen at the halfway point, and then by the time you finish the entire thing you're ready for it to be over?
Meanwhile your wife or girlfriend is sitting beside you at the beginning thinking, "I can't believe we came to see this movie," and then she's smiling by the end. If they still had see-saws in public parks--they don't, they're considered too dangerous now -- that would be the perfect metaphor. There's rarely an even-plane enjoyment. Somebody has to be up and someone else has to be down.
And so, to get to your question, women have stolen the independence from our male characters. Which infuriates us. And makes the shows almost unwatchable. Especially if you're married. You have to watch the guys on television get emasculated too? Seeing it happen to you and your friends isn't enough.
Must all womankind crush us?
Adam D. writes:
Clay,
After reading your mailbag today, I am fearing that you are headed for the George Costanza realm. It appears you went 3-3 last weekend at best. (CT: Actually 4-2, sir. Count better.) I am not a gambling man, so the spreads aren't exactly what I know much about.
I will say at this point, you are leading me to want to place bets after I read your mailbag on Friday. I think if I just do the opposite of what you pick, I will win big each week! I hope it isn't the pressure of having to beat a French girl. Maybe it is the curse of asking Tebow if he was saving himself for marriage? (which was a classic) Go with the opposite this week. Who knows, maybe you could end up working for the Yankees too?
Let me be clear about this, the French girl is not in my head. It is what it is. I just have to pick one week at a time. I can't worry about what other people think. The only people who can control what happens on that field. ...
You ever notice that when an athlete is rattled they go straight cliche? The most impressive thing about this is how they don't even realize they're going straight cliche.
And, for the record, I am up by three full games on the French girl who has never watched a game of college football in her life.
I own her.
Vive le France? Please. Vive le Clay, more like it.
Travis has become enamored of several objects, phrases or events which he frequenly references in the column. Among the most frequent:
'Bama Bangs - a term coined by Travis to refer to southern men's hairstyles that feature prominent bangs for no apparent reason. Brodie Croyle and John Parker Wilson are oft-cited violators of 'Bama Bangs rules.
Read More...
When Clay Travis, acclaimed author of Dixieland Delight, decided to spend the 2008 season up close and personal with UT football, he—and every other college football aficionado—thought he was in for a rollicking ride with one of the leading contenders for the national title. After all, when the Vols kicked off the season on September 1, the defending SEC East champions were ranked 18th in the country. As head coach Phillip Fulmer prepared for the game, he reflected upon a coaching career that included an astounding 147 victories, two SEC championships, and a national title. With 34 years at UT under his belt as both a player and coach, the Tennessee native had just signed a contract extension that projected to keep him at the university long enough to become the winningest coach in program history.
Read More...
There is no college ball more passionate and competitive than football in the Southeastern Conference, where seven of the twelve schools boast stadiums bigger than any in the NFL and 6.5 million fans hit the road every year to hoot and holler their teams to victory.
Read More...
The newly favored man is not really a man at all, but a hairless, effeminate, germ-fearing, non-meat-eating, exfoliating, wristband-wearing woman of the worst order. We as men are told that we must embrace the sacred feminine in ourselves, even if it doesn't actually exist, and become the very quintessence of woman, plus penises. This situation is untenable. This trend must stop.
Read More...
Clay Travis is the only former student manager in the history of college athletics to marry an NFL cheerleader. He managed to pull this off despite an irrational affinity for the television shows Dawson's Creek and My Super Sweet 16. While being raised in Nashville, Tenn., Travis developed a healthy obsession with college sports and Alyssa Milano. As a teenager his greatest accomplishment was taking a doo-rag wearing Luke Duke (balling as Tom Wopat) to the hole at the Nashville YMCA.
In the midst of a stellar legal career during which he specialized in rewarding the unjust and punishing the oppressed, Travis began writing for CBS Sports's SPiN section in September 2005...
Read More...
Those are some of the finest BamaBangs this side of John Parker .WOW