Our beaver pelt trader of the week is 16-year-old Cammie Colin, a cheerleader who killed a 10-foot alligator. Can I just make this public: I'd like to go on an alligator hunt. Will someone take me? E-mail me if so. I'll write about it.
Last week marked the inauguration of our season-long, Clay Travis vs. French girl competition. I'm pleased to report that I upheld all that is true and just in the world by trouncing Audrey, my family's former exchange student, 4-2 vs. 3-3.
This week we're picking these games. My picks are in bold.
Florida (-30) vs. Tennessee
Cal (-14) vs. Minnesota Virginia Tech (-5) vs. Nebraska
Oregon State (-2) vs. Cincinnati
BYU (-7) vs. Florida State
Arkansas (-1) vs. Georgia
Here are Audrey's picks along with her rationales.
"Tennessee -- yeah baby Minnesota for Brandon Walsh :-) Nebraska Style for Casey Oregon State -- where is Oregon? BYU Baiser Yummee Ursula Georgia -- Flashdance
I think I'm gonna love that game."
I have no clue what most of her comments mean, aside from the Brandon Walsh line, but it appears that we have mostly picked different teams this week.
Now on to All That and a Bag of Mail:
John C. writes
Clay --
I'm in trouble.
First, a confession. I'm breaking last week's relationship rules and dating (more specifically, marrying) within the conference. I am a life-long, die-hard fan of the Arkansas Razorbacks, engaged to a beautiful, wonderful Georgia Bulldog. The two don't play each other on a yearly basis, but the rotating schedule has left me in a bind this week.
Sunday, I started the trash-talking, and it didn't go over well. I asked what Saturday night would be like, and she told me "as long as you're respectful, we'll be fine." Let's just say, I don't really have plans on being respectful when the Hogs take the field. As you know (because you wrote it in the preseason), this game is our coming-out party. We will show the nation we are a real competitor in this conference. After the game, I will be drunk, loud, and obnoxious. So, what do I do? I've sent out feelers to see if she'd go watch the game with her parents, and that's not gonna fly. How do I celebrate the biggest win of the Petrino era, and keep my wedding on track for next June?
Oh, Clay, please help.
Man, this is really tough. Because let's be clear about something here, you guys are going to score a ton of points against Georgia. Now, the Bulldogs may score a ton of points as well. Which means I foresee a seesaw game that constantly tugs at your emotions. One moment you'll be riding high, the next moment your fiancee's no doubt ample cleavage will be bouncing as she celebrates a big play touchdown.
Your first indication was a good one, getting her out of the house to watch the game elsewhere would be an excellent move. But she's already shot this down. And you're right, I've been predicting how big this game is going to be for Arkansas fans for months. So I can't even consider asking you to tone down the celebration.
So here's what I suggest, give Friday night to her. Take her to her favorite restaurant, go see that stupid movie called "The Time Traveler's Wife," and book her a massage for early Saturday morning. Along the way drop hints about how excited you are about the wedding. Then, try to capitalize with early afternoon sex. Because she might not be willing to sleep with you by the end of the game if Arkansas dominates. In the midst of your post-coital cuddling, lie to her and tell her that no football team could ever come between your relationship. Explain that you'll root for Georgia in every game for the next five years that doesn't feature them playing Arkansas. This is a white lie, and it's good practice for marriage. Then I think you'll be good for the evening.
Also, only cheer your team, don't tear down her team via trash talk as much as you might like to do so. As a bonus, if your team loses, she might be willing to sleep with you again. Consider this a rare treat.
Travis has become enamored of several objects, phrases or events which he frequenly references in the column. Among the most frequent:
'Bama Bangs - a term coined by Travis to refer to southern men's hairstyles that feature prominent bangs for no apparent reason. Brodie Croyle and John Parker Wilson are oft-cited violators of 'Bama Bangs rules.
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When Clay Travis, acclaimed author of Dixieland Delight, decided to spend the 2008 season up close and personal with UT football, he—and every other college football aficionado—thought he was in for a rollicking ride with one of the leading contenders for the national title. After all, when the Vols kicked off the season on September 1, the defending SEC East champions were ranked 18th in the country. As head coach Phillip Fulmer prepared for the game, he reflected upon a coaching career that included an astounding 147 victories, two SEC championships, and a national title. With 34 years at UT under his belt as both a player and coach, the Tennessee native had just signed a contract extension that projected to keep him at the university long enough to become the winningest coach in program history.
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There is no college ball more passionate and competitive than football in the Southeastern Conference, where seven of the twelve schools boast stadiums bigger than any in the NFL and 6.5 million fans hit the road every year to hoot and holler their teams to victory.
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The newly favored man is not really a man at all, but a hairless, effeminate, germ-fearing, non-meat-eating, exfoliating, wristband-wearing woman of the worst order. We as men are told that we must embrace the sacred feminine in ourselves, even if it doesn't actually exist, and become the very quintessence of woman, plus penises. This situation is untenable. This trend must stop.
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Clay Travis is the only former student manager in the history of college athletics to marry an NFL cheerleader. He managed to pull this off despite an irrational affinity for the television shows Dawson's Creek and My Super Sweet 16. While being raised in Nashville, Tenn., Travis developed a healthy obsession with college sports and Alyssa Milano. As a teenager his greatest accomplishment was taking a doo-rag wearing Luke Duke (balling as Tom Wopat) to the hole at the Nashville YMCA.
In the midst of a stellar legal career during which he specialized in rewarding the unjust and punishing the oppressed, Travis began writing for CBS Sports's SPiN section in September 2005...
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