All That and a Bag of Mail: I hate you Clay Travis edition
Friday, August 7, 2009
I decided to roll with the most entertaining hate mail I've gotten in the past couple of weeks. After a prolonged summer absence during which I've been on vacation three weeks--I promised my wife when the book was over we could get away before football season and the book tour rolled out-- it's good to be back in the mailbag saddle.
Hate mail is always entertaining. Primarily because I don't know who these people are who actually send hate mail. I've never done it. Have you? Who does this? If you don't know someone, what true psychological issues do you have if you're sending hate email?
But beforehand, our beaver pelt trader of the week is Bill Clinton. How much of a rock star is this guy? Even still? Hops on a plane to North Korea and manages more rapprochement with Kim Jong-Il in ten minutes than we've had in nine years. Why? Because supposedly Kim Jong-Il appreciated the personal letter of condolence that Clinton wrote to him after his father died. There's a lesson there, even though there are six billion of us, a personal touch can go a long way.
And with that, let's roll with the (mostly) hate mail. (One note: I feel bad not including all the positive emails, but I tried to personally reply to everyone who wrote something nice. So hopefully y'all have those by now. These people I didn't respond to.)
Mike Walker writes:
suckit@ClayTravisIsLowerThanShit.com
You are such a greasy grimey douchebag. Kill yourself!!!
I tried, the gun jammed.
Apologies. I think the barrel was too grimy. Which, wow, I can spell correctly.
I'm beginning with this one because if the website claytravisislowerthanshit.com ever got rolling, I'd link to it every day.
This is from our new contact button.
Name: Your are a Moron
Company:
Email: youarentajournalist@yousuck.com
Phone: --
Comments: Nice Question to Tebow asshole...I hope your media credentials get yanked as I am sure they will
"Your are a Moron."
I mean, honestly, do you have to make ridicule this easy?
Why are unintelligent people so focused on my media credentials? And why do they think that if they got yanked I'd be screwed.
Here are the media credentials I've requested in five years of writing about sports. This is a complete list.
The 2007 Motor City Bowl in Detroit (CBS sent me to cover the worst bowl game in America).
2008 UT vs. Kentucky (I got bumped upstairs for this game because of the overflow on the sideline for Fulmer's last game).
SEC Media Days 2009.
That's it. In five years of online writing, those are the only three media credential requests I've ever made. I'm going to request credentials for next year's SEC Media Days just to see what the response is, but otherwise it's not like I need to be in the press box to write. In fact, I think you can make a strong argument that the reason the column and books have been so successful is because I'm not writing from the press box.
Other point worth considering: Thanks to y'all we've sold more books about college football than any of the other 900 media members at SEC Media Days. If I wanted to start gigging Tony Barnhart, I'd start a website called "Therealmr.collegefootball.com"
That was the most entertaining thing to me about the Tebow response. Okay, so you disagree with the question, go ahead and write your outrage column. (Note: outrage columns are the easiest columns on earth to write because all you have to do is disagree with something. You don't have to actually have an original thought. That's why I try to avoid them for the most part.) But the most entertaining were the ones who labeled me a "blogger" (as if that's some sort of huge pejorative) or wrote that I wrote "online." (Again, ditto.) But the best of all were the people who wouldn't name me because I was so far beneath them. I'm looking at you Anniston Times.
Raise your hand if you know which state Anniston is in. Don't worry, I didn't either.
Have you not been in a bookstore in the past five years? Never checked Amazon sales ratings? Never read anything online about the sport you cover?
No.
Well, that's why no one reads your newspaper anymore, hombre. Because by the time you get around to penning your column, it's old news. Keep at it.
Name: Tucker
Company:
Email: @gmail.com
Phone: --
Comments: Do you think Tebow is still a virgin for faith based reasons or because there is not a woman outside of Krypton who could survive having sex with him much less birth his immortal offspring? I think it would be a lot like the sex scene from Hancock.
Great question.
What if we mated Tebow and say, Serena Williams? Can you imagine what that child would be like? I'll tell you, the Mulatto Superman. (Our President excepted.)
The muscles would be extraordinary. It's possible Serena is the only woman who could survive sex with Tebow.
I mean that.
By the way, I should do a study on where my hate mail originates from. For instance, if you're writing me from a hotmail address, there's a four billion% greater chance that you don't like me. As you move up the food chain, gmail hate mail is virtually nonexistent.
Why is this? I think the younger and smarter you are the more likely you are to have a gmail address.
Of course if you don't have an email address at all, then you listen to Paul Finebaum's radio show for four hours every day.
Kevin Carver writes:
Punk. You are an "absolute" idiot and asshole for asking Tim Tebow that question. Where did that come from? Perhaps the fact that YOU are a LOSER!
Why is "absolute" in quotation marks? Am I an ironic idiot? Did this guy stop typing and do the finger quotation marks then feel compelled to include them in an email?
It can't be for emphasis because by virtue of YOU and LOSER we're aware that his caps lock key works.
See, deciphering the email punctuation of "absolute" LOSER(s) is so much fun.
Kevin writes:
I am a fan of your work. I've read your book Dixieland Delight and enjoy listening to you on the Roundtable each week. I ran across a picture of the new Alabama quarterback with Bama Bangs the other day. The picture must have been taken when he was backup to John Park Wilson, because he has since cut them off. I am unable to attach the photo here, so let me know if you want a copy.
Okay, interrupting the email for a moment to touch on McElroy. I wrote earlier today that of the four SEC teams ranked in the top ten in the USA Today poll--Florida, Bama, LSU, and Ole Miss--I think LSU is the most likely to fall outside the top 25 by the end of the season. And make no mistake, one of these four teams will. And it ain't going to be Florida. I eliminated Ole Miss because their schedule is so easy and that left me with Bama and LSU. I picked LSU.
Why?
Greg McElroy and Jordan Jefferson of LSU are absolute mysteries to all of us. But here's something for Bama fans to get excited about: I talked to one of the guys from the Manning Passing Academy this week and he said, "McElroy was the best college quarterback there."
That's better than Jevan Snead. Now the consensus was that Jonathan Crompton looked the second best so, take that for what it's worth.
His 'Bama Bangs disappearing will come as a major shock to the state of Alabama come fall. I'm not sure they'll even let him in Gallette's anymore.
Aalucero1@aol.com
I know that you think if you are really super nice to Erin Andrews maybe she will sleep with you but you are forgetting that you are a douche bag. That was clearly one of the worst articles I have ever read. You started making a point and dropped it several times. You might as well have made it a run on sentence, that way it just might have made a little sense. It should have never been an article, rather a paragraph. Kissing ass all the way through your article, protecting women's rights, and at the same time trying to appeal to a male audience that could give a shit less. I saw the video, who curls there hair totally nude and flexing, rubbing there ass the whole time. She knew it was happening, but it was probably a private video that wasn't supposed to be leaked. She only made it a big deal when she went public about it. By the way, your college decorated website is lame. It's funny how any clown with a keyboard believes they're a writer these days.
You know that I think if I'm really nice to Erin Andrews maybe she'll sleep with me? Really? Even accepting the lunacy that you can see inside my head and chose to begin your hate mail this way, has any writer ever gotten a woman to sleep with him by writing something nice about them?
The answer is no.
And if you thought the Erin Andrews piece was overly nice to her, you probably weren't smart enough to grasp the parts that were very critical of her.
But even if my goal was sleeping with Erin Andrews--which by the way, would be an incredibly noble goal--I know that the best way to get hot chicks to sleep with you is not, and I repeat not, by being nice to them. That's the worst way to get hot chicks to sleep with you. All that does is permit you to be their friend and hear about the guys that they really wants to sleep with.
By the way, anyone else noticed that the number one sign you're a douchebag is that you call someone else a douchebag?
Sincerely,
any clown with a keyboard
John Breckenridge writes:
Clay,
Didn't know you existed before this stupid stunt you pulled, so I guess me and Verne Lundquist have something in common. But I hope your attempt to make Tim Tebow look ridiculous gets you banned for life from SEC media days.
John Breckenridge,
How in the world could you send those VMI cadets into the Battle of New Market? How? Just because you were the youngest vice president in American history doesn't mean that you have absolute impunity when it comes to being a general on the battlefield.
Fun fact about your life:
He fought at the Battle of Monocacy in early July and was with Early when the Confederate force probed the defenses of Washington, D.C.. Since Lincoln was watching the fight from the ramparts of Fort Stevens, this was only time in American history when two former opponents in a presidential election faced one another across battle lines.
Banned for life from SEC Media Days? I won't rehash my commentary above, but that would be epic. Hopefully they'd put it in writing.
Then when the next bestselling book comes out we can lead with, "Clay Travis, the only man in the history of college football to be banned from SEC Media Days,..."Labels: claynation all that and a bag of mail
Posted by Clay Travis at 12:32 PM
 
Permalink
Digg this Post
Email this Post
1 Comments:
<< Home
Previous Posts
| |
Travis has become enamored of several objects, phrases or events which he frequenly references in the column. Among the most frequent:
'Bama Bangs - a term coined by Travis to refer to southern men's hairstyles that feature prominent bangs for no apparent reason. Brodie Croyle and John Parker Wilson are oft-cited violators of 'Bama Bangs rules.
Read More...
When Clay Travis, acclaimed author of Dixieland Delight, decided to spend the 2008 season up close and personal with UT football, he—and every other college football aficionado—thought he was in for a rollicking ride with one of the leading contenders for the national title. After all, when the Vols kicked off the season on September 1, the defending SEC East champions were ranked 18th in the country. As head coach Phillip Fulmer prepared for the game, he reflected upon a coaching career that included an astounding 147 victories, two SEC championships, and a national title. With 34 years at UT under his belt as both a player and coach, the Tennessee native had just signed a contract extension that projected to keep him at the university long enough to become the winningest coach in program history.
Read More...
There is no college ball more passionate and competitive than football in the Southeastern Conference, where seven of the twelve schools boast stadiums bigger than any in the NFL and 6.5 million fans hit the road every year to hoot and holler their teams to victory.
Read More...
The newly favored man is not really a man at all, but a hairless, effeminate, germ-fearing, non-meat-eating, exfoliating, wristband-wearing woman of the worst order. We as men are told that we must embrace the sacred feminine in ourselves, even if it doesn't actually exist, and become the very quintessence of woman, plus penises. This situation is untenable. This trend must stop.
Read More...
Clay Travis is the only former student manager in the history of college athletics to marry an NFL cheerleader. He managed to pull this off despite an irrational affinity for the television shows Dawson's Creek and My Super Sweet 16. While being raised in Nashville, Tenn., Travis developed a healthy obsession with college sports and Alyssa Milano. As a teenager his greatest accomplishment was taking a doo-rag wearing Luke Duke (balling as Tom Wopat) to the hole at the Nashville YMCA.
In the midst of a stellar legal career during which he specialized in rewarding the unjust and punishing the oppressed, Travis began writing for CBS Sports's SPiN section in September 2005...
Read More...
|
Your fanhouse columns have been extremely entertaining, but this post is even better. Do you mind if I start claytravishatemail.com, and you can just forward the emails and I will provide a spin. It'll be a blog about emails to a blog. Fantastic.