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All That And a Bag of Mail: The Last Twentysomething Edition

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Somewhere in the neighborhood of four years ago we started All That and a Bag of Mail. I've probably responded to thousands of emails since then. All of them had one thing in common, I answered them while I was still in my 20's. Today marks the last version of the mailbag that will be written from that perspective. Come Monday I'll turn 30.

I'd be lying if I didn't feel like this is a point of demarcation. Our beaver pelt trader of the week goes to your 20's. Don't wast them.

Kyle H. writes:

Hey Clay,

Quick question, how do you think the UK faithful's response to Coach Cal's signing will compare to The Bammer faithful's signing of Nick Saban? I have been in contact with several UK people, and they seem borderline obsessed with Coach Cal, even before he agreed to be their coach. Could this possibly measure up to the Bammer's worship of "Saint Nick"? Also, how does it feel to be the leading authority on the matter. I know I go to Claynation first for all my SEC related news.

I think Kentucky basketball fans are more irrational than Alabama football fans. But I think they're one and two on the list of most irrational fans on earth. Third is Notre Dame football fans. I'm working on a list of these fan bases that will be out some time after I get the latest version of the book turned in on Thursday of next week. Then I can take a breath and come up from editing.

I'll put it this way, more Kentucky fans woke up with erections after dreaming about Calipari than Alabama fans did after dreaming about Saban.

As for being considered the authority on SEC news, I'm touched. Other classmates of mine are authorities on malpractice, bankruptcy, and real estate law. I don't have any of those. It's nice to be able to hang the beaver pelt on something.

Anna D. writes:

Clay;

My friend and I were in Indianapolis this past week for the regional games. She is a Kansas fan and I, a Tennessee grad, came along for the ride and enjoyment of college athletics.

We settled into our seats on Friday after the Louisville blowout and were ready for a MSU/KU battle when all of a sudden I thought I was back in the swamp. All the green MSU fans were riding horses and gator chopping. Literally, they pretend to ride horses, yell gibberish and then gator chop. We asked multiple MSU fans around us and not one could tell us the rationale for the gator chop, other than to insist it was not a gator chop (it was).

The only input we got was that the band was playing the Jaws theme song. I am not sure what that guy was listening to, but he has clearly never heard Jaws if he thought that was the theme. We decided they were riding horses into the water to be eaten by sharks.

I am hoping that your infinite NCAA knowledge or your wife’s knowledge of her rival school might be able to explain to me what in the world this cheer means.

I'm drawing a blank here. And Lara doesn't know either. Although, interestingly, even though she hates Michigan State she's rooting for them to win the championship. I'm still pulling for North Carolina on the basis of pan-southernism, but I definitely think the state of Michigan deserves some good news. Every time I visit there things get worse.

I don't think winning an NCAA Championship will really change anything, but I do think it could offer a small measure of solace, some belief that good things can still happen in Michigan. Because right now there's none of it.

Back to your description, I love the idea of riding the horses into the sea. It's kind of like 300 meets basketball cheering.

Joel writes:

Jose Jose must have the laziest parents on earth. Why not spice it up a little. No Way Jose would have been an awesome name.

Jose Jose runs a 5.53 forty. This is the first football recruit I've ever seen with a posted forty time lower than my own. Despite this he's got offers from Alabama, Florida, Miami and Tennessee.

Can't you already see Verne Lundquist chortling about this name? And making the same joke four consecutive years? If Jose Jose was from Hawaii, I'd go ahead and take Lundquist in the death pull for the 2010 football season. He'd chortle to death after telling the anecdote.

Ken G. writes:

Clay:

As a Nashville guy, can you help out on whether Jay Cutler has always been this crazy, or did the thin air of Colorado drive him this crazy?

As a Gator fan, I never had any love for the Cutler family after his Dad was seen doing the premature Gator Chop in the Swamp in the game that cemented Cutler's draft status -- a game lost on an overtime pick forced by Cutler and a failure to get off the two point conversion correctly in overtime, the kind of odd failures that tormented Cutler as a Bronco.

I could never place it with Cutler, but after hearing the stories around Denver that his Dad goes to all the practices and that he got kicked out of his golf club for refusing to where the proper attire and watching his bad body language on the field, I always had mixed view of him. But when Jake Plummer dropped the "Jeff George" comparison on him, I thought, well maybe that is it. At Vandy, did his parents ever run onto the field?

One more: I was told this morning that his dad turned his playbook at the Bronco Complex this morning. I didn't see it, but one of the local TV stations must have had that nugget, so should be on the web. If true, that is an all-time classic.

Ken G.

I love, love, love the idea of Papa Cutler taking the playbook back to the team. That's too good not to be true. It also points out that some parents continue to treat their kids professional careers as the equivalent of playing for a 7th grade team.

To answer the question, I like Cutler. I've seen him out at Nashville bars for five years, and he's never had an entourage. Plus, his friends aren't even that cool. You'd never believe he was one of the 10 or 12 best at anything, for the way he carries himself. He stands in line at the bar just like everyone else. On some level, and I realize bar psychology probably doesn't translate that well to the NFL, that's a tremendous positive. And is bar psychology really any less valid than the Wonderlic or the scouting services that completely miss on guys? Like, do you have any doubt that if Ryan Leaf had been out the bar with you, he would have been a complete asshole? There's a theory here waiting to be unpacked that is probably worth millions.

Based on this, I've always thought Cutler comes across much worse on television and with the media than he actually is in real life. I'm sympathetic to this, some people just look awkward on television. Like me. You have to be trained to look normal on television, and maybe Cutler just hasn't bought in. Plus, to his credit he's honest. Most quarterbacks just spout off the same old cliches. Yeah, he's in love with his arm, but don't you think most quarterbacks are? And there isn't a single person on earth you'd want to share a beer with that couldn't be strung up and hanged in the court of public opinion for actually speaking their minds with the media. No one. So I respect people who are willing to be honest.

Personally, I think the Bears got a steal. If you can get a proven NFL quarterback who is only 25 for two first round picks and Kyle Orton, then you absolutely have to take him, have to. That's ten years of golden quarterback performance they've just locked in. It doesn't guarantee you're going to win a championship, but it gives you better odds than any other two or three players you could acquire would give you. Put it this way, what team in the NFL wouldn't have mortgaged everything to go back and take Peyton Manning?

When it comes to great quarterbacks you really can't pay too much, and I think Cutler is going to be a great quarterback.

Lou I. writes:

Cla'y:

Just saw your Friday Night Lights renewal post and am thrilled that the Panthers are back on for another two seasons of Coach Taylor making wonderful play calls only in the last :30 seconds of any game in order to steal victory from a far inferior team. Seriously, he's easily the worst coach in Texas for 3.85 quarters of every game. He's the anti-Leach.

But that's not my purpose here. My question to you and your male readership is: assuming you were a Panther, which of the Dillon girls would you most want to involve yourself with? The parameters are these: you are the character -- the you from high school. So if you were a QB, then you're the QB. But if you were a dork, you're still a dork -- and the girls are as they are portrayed on the show. And notice is used the ambiguous term "involve" and neither "date" nor "hook up." Because I'm not sure that any of the characters on the show -- or any real high schooler, for that matter -- knows the difference.

I'd go for Julie for multiple reasons. First, while she's not as hot as Lyla, or as sexy as Tyra, she's also not as ridiculous as either of those two and carries little-to-no baggage. Second, she is attractive and has the largest breasts. And personality. Personality is important. Third, her mom is hot. Fourth, it's always more adventurous when -- like Saracen -- the father could hurt you in more than just the physical way. And, finally, you know the payoff would be worth it when you finally accomplished the mission. Also, she has large breasts.

Thoughts?

This is a really confusing hypothetical. If you can only date the girl that dated the guy like you in high school, then you really don't have a choice, right?

Well, there's zero doubt in my mind that I'm Landry. Although, like every single person reading this response, I was better looking than Landry in high school. He's probably the ugliest drama character in the history of television. But like every other character on FNL, he's awesome. Just once I'd like for someone to point out how much Landry is outkicking his coverage by hooking up with Tyra.

I've had a flame burning for Lyla Garrity for a while. (By the way, her giving up Vanderbilt for San Antonio State is the greatest upset since Tyson lost to Buster Douglas in Japan.) But I think it's clear she wouldn't date Landry. I like Julie, but I think she has big ears. And I can't ever stop looking at her ears, because she's constantly pushing her hair behind her ear when she talks. It drives me crazy. While Tyra is really hot, she appears to be about 6'4.

So I'm rapidly driving down my options. I think I'd go with the lesbian in the band. For three reasons: 1. I don't believe she's really a lesbian. But I think she's confused about her sexuality. Which means she might be willing to have a threesome with you. 2. She seems pretty normal. 3. I think she'll be hot for a few decades, and keep getting better looking every year for the next two decades. She'll be that girl rocking that unexpected high school reunion hotness.

Finally, I'm not ashamed to admit this, but the last four episodes of FNL have all made me cry. That's unbelievable for a television show, truly unbelievable.

Andy H. writes:

I kid you not: http://twitter.com/BoomsBeard/

If there were a better example of 21st century BGID, I don't know it.

Last week I slammed Twitter in the mailbag. This redeems my faith in the medium. Based entirely on his beard twitters, I think Baron Davis and I would really get along well.

Labels: all that and a bag of mail claynation clay travis saban vs. calipari friday night lights

Posted by Clay Travis at 2:41 PM
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2 Comments:

Texass said...: I believe you are wrong about who has the biggest boobs....Tyra has the biggest by far.; April 6, 2009 10:18 AM
Mark Nagi said...: C'lay,

I'd go with Julie... I hate that you said that about her ears... now I'll be looking for her ear flaw in the season finale...

Mark

P.S. This is what happens when you are a "Knoxville celebrity."
you end up getting roped into stuff like this...

http://www.firstgiving.com/marknagi; April 7, 2009 10:14 PM