Beating Team 100-0 Not "Christ-like"; Spurrier Dissents
Monday, January 26, 2009
By now many of you have heard about the girl's high school basketball Covenant School team beating Dallas Academy 100-0. As a result the winning team (the team they beat at was filled with dyslexic transfer students) has felt compelled to forfeit the game. Writing on their website that win win by 100 points "does not reflect a Christ-like and honorable approach to competition. We humbly apologize for our actions and seek the forgiveness of Dallas Academy, TAPPS and our community."
Reader Bert' N. writes as follows:
Is this what Spurrier dreams about at night? A true blow-out? And now the team is forfeiting? How do you think Bob Stoops feels about running up the score in all those games this year after seeing this article? I wish I had been there...
Fortunately I was able to contact Steve Spurrier. This was his response. In monologue. (As a prelude it's important to note that the more games he loses the more Southern he sounds. Honestly, have you heard Spurrier talk lately. You can't even understand him. Pretty soon he's going to coach with a tin cup to catch his tobbacer):
"Reckon, fetchin', stop it if you can! See, you got to stop the offense. Stop the ball! Ball! My offense used to be unstoppable. Back in 1995 with Danny we scored 48 straight against Tennessee. 48! Could have been 148 and God couldn't have done nothing. See, God doesn't have loose hips.
Have you seen Jesus in those pearly white robes? He can't swivel, can't get low, if Jesus was a defensive back, I'd iso on him all day long. Run the fade. Bang, touchdown after touchdown. Ole turtle doesn't get on that fence by accident. Boy could Danny throw the fade.
Once I held Danny's jock on the field. At Florida he threw the fade so well. I said Danny, you could make an old man's penis moist with pre-cum even when he hasn't had a drop of water in three months and has been dead and buried for two months. Lord's truth. I said, Danny, why don't you just throw the fade while I hold your balls in my hands. Could you let an old man do that? I won't juggle 'em or bounce 'em or anything of the sort. I'll treat 'em like they're chocolate chip cookies on a hot plate. All gentle like. And I'll be damned if Danny didn't throw the fade perfect like while I held his warm balls in my old grizzled hands.
(Pauses to wipe the tears from his eyes.)
Shoot, if Danny Wuerffel was a girl and I was a girl's basketball coach we'd of won the game 1,000-1. Dagnabbit, I'd of never pulled him outta the game. Danny was a good ole boy. If a dog can't hunt, you got to teach it how to eat hushpuppies. And if a quarterback can't throw the fade, you got to shoot him. And if a one-legged girl can's skip, you got to send her to Georgia to play running back. That's what I've always said. That's what I believe!
Nobody talks about what a good boy Danny was, but if he was a girl I'd have given up coaching boys football and started coaching girl's high school basketball. I've always thought a ball's a ball. Give the ole ball coach a ball and he'll coach. Put on that visor and find a mismatch. Put the butter in the basket. Course I wouldn't have been able to hold Danny's balls in my hands then because he wouldn't have had balls; see girls don't have balls, but I would have hung a thousand on those dyslexic loser girls. I'd be smilin' like a goat in the briar patch.
Hell, people talk like those girls were upset to lose 100-0. They're dyslexic. They thought they were winning 100-0! They read it backwards. They'd probably read the BCS standings backwards too. You cain't just win. You got to crush the other team. Crush 'em. Like Patton on the Rhine, like Lee at Chancellorsville, like me against Georgia. Like Urban Meyer against me in the Swamp this year. Make that other team as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.
Givin' up the win? Dumbasses. Dumb liberals. Like all those dumb liberals up in Warshington, D.C. They wanted me to give up my preseason stats? I said, what? I don't know how to lose a game until the regular season starts. I own the preseason. I knew I never should have left the SEC. It's cold up North. Real cold. Who wants to walk around in the cold? Nobody, that's who. Except Stoops.
His dumb ass went up to Oklahoma. I told him not too. I told him to wait out for a real job. Not some Oklahoma cracker school. I said, I grabbed him by the visor straps and I said, "Bobby, you hang on a second here. You stay down Gator-land you can end up at Mississippi State. That's Starkville. Where the biscuits are like honey and the cows are good and sweet to a man. Give him the kind of loving he needs and deserves late at night in an empty field. Ask the Snopes's. Ask Willie Faulkner how good that cow lovin' can be."
But did he listen to me.
Hell no.
See, people forget that Danny was Christ-like too. He could make water into wine. Turn an old man young again. Sigh, those were the days. I was happy as a tick on a fat dog. Now I got Garcia. Garcia couldn't score a 100 points against that girl's team if you gave him the Lakers and made him the point guard. Said Stephen, all you gotta do is distribute the ball. Turnovers a comin'. Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's rainin'. I ain't got time for that crap anymore. Garcia you're about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.
Hell, what do I know. I ain't the ole ball coach anymore. I'm just ole. A hundred? I'll never see the likes of it again. Not without Danny. I don't talk about it much anymore, but the wind don't blow that I don't hear it whispering, Wuerffel, Wuerffel. Oh, Danny boy, where have you gone? Where, Danny, oh where? Labels: steve spurrier comments on 100-0 high school girl's basketball game claynation
Posted by Clay Travis at 2:08 PM
 
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you got the punchline wrong. The score is 100 to 0, the dyslexics have the ball out of bounds with 10 seconds left to play. They huddle around the team captain for inspiration. She looks up at the scoreboard and says "look guys the score is 001 to 000, it's only one point and we're still in this thing. Now let's go out there and win it."