Several of you have sent me emails this morning about good ole Jim Chaney. Who, I think it's fair to say, none of us had ever heard of before. And, no, we haven't hired the former Temple basketball coach. Here's Jim Chaney's resume. According to his Rams bio. Chaney was head recruiter for four top ten recruiting classes. These classes were supposedly from 1997-2001. I think we all remember those four years when Purdue's talent was the class of the nation. Or not.
Anyway, Chaney looks a bit like a buff Bill Gates. You know if Bill Gates had spent one month lifting weights in his entire life. That can be a plus of minus, is Chaney going to treat Alabama and Florida like Netscape or is he the aging warrior being scooped by Google? Time will tell. I think I speak for everyone when I say I hope he invests in a nice pair of rec-specs.
Even still this Chaney decision is confusing to me. Kiffin says he's calling the plays so why wouldn't he get the best possible recruiter? Is a tight ends coach for the Rams the best possible recruiter? Also, has "the best coaching staff that money can buy" really boiled down to Lane Kiffin's dad and a bunch of guys that none of us have heard of? Meanwhile UT's former coaching staff are all slowly accepting promotions (monetary or otherwise) to coach at other schools.
Awesome.
At least recruiting is going well. By which, of course, I mean it isn't.
With the rumored loss of Coach O to LSU, I'm starting to think it's time to punch the panic button and give Layla Kiffin recruiting coordinator duties. Or at least make her special teams coach. She can't be worse than what we've had.
"Saw your post on Rob Bironas and the commercial he made. Ironically, since I moved back home to Tennessee from Capitol Hill and came here to Nashville, Rob is now one of my clients. I do his PR work and our firm actually approved that script from RJ Young.
We were talking about your post this morning at our staff meeting and were in stitches with all the questions you were asking because -- we asked all of those ourselves during the filming.
That commercial seemed to develop a bit of a cult following over the season and I always got emails from my friends whenever the damn thing came on. I think it spurred several of my buddies to create a drinking game centered on the commercial. Needless to say, Rob loved filming it.
I'm pretty sure the story about the shoot that day is actually even funnier than the commercial itself. I know, hard to believe.
Here's some more background for you:
RJ Young signed Rob to be a spokesman. They came to us last summer with a couple of scripts for review. This one made the cut. It was either 2 or 3 pages long, don't recall exactly. But, like I said, Rob ended up having a blast shooting the thing and so did the actors. The spot ended up running in multiple markets.
Speaking of the actors, apparently, they were inspired -- yes, inspired -- by a combination of "Office Space" and "The Office" for their respective performances (to go along with the "Karate Kid").
Honestly, we've had more feedback from that one commercial than anything else Rob has done. Beating the Packers in overtime? Nope. Eight field goals in one game? Not even close. Kicking a copier in a quasi-comic book themed 30 second spot? Instant classic!
-- Oh, and yeah, Rob practiced the growl.
So there you go. Ask and ye shall receive. Happy New Year. I'm going to get a few more posts up and then I'm off to the Music City Bowl to freeze my ass off watching Vandy play Ole Miss.
As we come down the final days of the 2008 year, it has become clear to me that we need a contest to help pass the long, dark days of winter. Inspiration came where inspiration often comes from: via the brilliantly twisted mind of my friend Tardio. Recently, I've been extolling the virtues of Michael Lewis's book The Blind Side. Which I'll reiterate now, the book is amazing. You've got to read it if you haven't already.
I'm going to put up a post featuring the ten most interesting books I've read in 2008 and The Blind Side is one of them. Tardio read The Blind Side over Christmas break and didn't latch onto Michael Oher's amazing story or the recruiting battles or anything else. Nope, he immediately started texting me about Collins Tuohy the blond teenage daughter of the Tuohy family. She also went to Ole Miss, became an Ole Miss cheerleader, and joined the Kappa Delta sorority.
So what email arrives in my inbox at 5 in the morning on December 28? A link from Tardio to the Ole Miss Kappa Delta's. His only message. "Have fun."
The next day Tardio pronounced the Ole Miss KD's the hottest sorority in the SEC. Which was such a bold conclusion, I was floored. I've previously ranked the women of the SEC in Dixieland Delight as well as in a column for CBS. For those of you who don't know these were my rankings.
1. Ole Miss 2. Georgia 3. Vanderbilt 4. Auburn 5. South Carolina 6. LSU 7. Tennessee 8. Alabama 9. Kentucky 10. Arkansas 11. Florida 12. Miss. State
It's been two years since I initially ranked the girls of the SEC and I still get angry emails from girls about my ranking of their school. So after Tardio's bold call of the Ole Miss KD's as the hottest sorority in the SEC, I figured why not step things up a degree and crown the hottest sorority in the SEC? Send in your sorority nominations, your photos, and the like. In the end we'll vote via a bracket challenge. First up for your consideration, the KD's of Ole Miss. Here's their website courtesy of Tardio.
Occasionally PR people send me emails. Usually I ignore these pitches because I'm too busy trying to figure out important things, like how many emails can I read and write while listening to an online CLE course. (My record is 45.) But when I hear that Tim Tebow is going to be in 3D, I make exceptions.
Want to stare Tim Tebow in the face as he throws another Heisman-worthy pass? This bowl season, MovieTickets.com is giving sports fans an opportunity to watch football like they’ve never watched it before. For the first time ever, the 2009 BCS Championship Game between the Florida Gators and the Oklahoma Sooners on January 8th will be broadcast live in 3D. Dozens of MovieTickets.com theaters across the country will broadcast the game live and fans can secure their tickets in advance by going to MovieTickets.com.
I'll watch Tim Tebow doing anything in 3D. Right up, that is, until the point when he arrives in Filipino villages with knives and scissors.
(By the way, right now I'm watching Ethical Responsibility for Lawyers on my computer. Believe it or not movietickets.com has not asked to cover me watching an ethics CLE in 3D. Shocking.)
Remember when LenDale White ribbed Deangelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart about the nickname Smash and Dash? He claimed to have trademarked the name on behalf of he and Chris Johnson and everyone had a good laugh about White's false indignation. Well, the Carolina Panthers duo has gone and raised the stakes with a great ad campaign that takes aim at LenDale. Watch it here.
It's rare I'm impressed by anything an NFL athlete does. But this...this is impressive. I can't wait to see LenDale's response.
Everyone loves the NFL. The Commissioner can suspend players whenever he wants regardless of the evidence and hear his own appeals, the retired players can be without health insurance even though their bodies are ravaged for decades after they finish playing, and the playoff seeding is always screwed up but no one ever says anything. Well, it happened again. It's high time the NFL stops rewarding division winners with automatic home games. Why reward a team for simply having the good fortune to be in a division with a bunch of crappy teams?
But this year it's really wacky, every road team is favored over the home teams. Let me repeat that again, every single road team is favored over the teams that are playing at home. Has this ever happened before?
The Eagles are favored over the Vikings, Baltimore over the Dolphins, Indy over San Diego, and Atlanta over Arizona. Every visiting team is giving points because Vegas believes inferior teams have been rewarded home field advantage.
Look at the AFC, the Colts have won 9 games in a row and are arguably the hottest team in football. They finished 12-4. The same record as the Steelers. Thanks to a nifty road win over the Steelers the Colts would be the number 2 seed in the playoffs if they were in any other AFC division other than the AFC South. That's because they would have won every other division in the AFC. Instead the Titans finished 13-3 and the Colts got bumped all the way down to the five seed. Behind two teams, the Dolphins and the Chargers, who finished with worse records than they did and another team, the Steelers, who they have the head-to-head tiebreak over.
As if that weren't enough, an 11-5 team, the New England Patriots, got bumped from the playoffs in favor of the 8-8 Chargers. That's just not right. And it happens again and again and again and no one ever points out how absurdly the NFL seeds the playoffs. The simplest solution is to take the top six teams regardless of division. The next simplest solution is to still reward the division champs (which I still believe is ridiculous) and seed the six playoff teams regardless of division championships.
What would the AFC playoffs look like if we just seeded based on record?
1. Titans 2. Colts 3. Steelers 4. Miami Dolphins 5. New England Patriots 6. Baltimore Ravens
What if we seeded based on records but continued to reward all division winners?
1. Titans 2. Colts 3. Steelers 4. Miami Dolphins 5. Ravens 6. San Diego Chargers
That's a seismic difference from the current playoff structure in the AFC. In a league like the NFL where the line between success and failure is so fine, doesn't it make sense to reward the teams who are the most successful in the regular season? As is the playoff structure doesn't accomplish this. It's based on an arbitrary alignment system that is the complete anti-thesis of what the NFL ostensibly stands for: equality of the teams and fair applicability of the rules. As is where you play is often more important than how you play. This is ridiculous.
John Bell Hood Chavis to LSU as Defensive Coordinator
Let me be succinct: great hire for LSU. Last year Tennessee's defense gave up 14 touchdowns while on defense. Let me repeat that, 14. That's despite Tennessee's offense consistently putting the defense in the worst positions on the field. I'm in the process of reconstructing how many of those 14 touchdowns were on drives of 30 yards or less. At least two of those touchdowns were on drives that began, thanks to our woeful offense, inside the UT five yard line (Wyoming and South Carolina.) Tennessee's defense finished #4 in the country last year and was good enough to win an SEC Title. In fact, UT's defense gave up less yards per play run against them than any team in the SEC last year.
Let me try and put that into LSU fan perspective. Jarrett Lee gave up 7 touchdowns on returned picks. John Chavis's UT defense gave up 14 playing an entire season.
There are two knocks on John Chavis, 1. he's said to be an indifferent recruiter and 2. his third and long defense. The first shouldn't be an issue at LSU. His defenses will be stocked with talent. On the second front, Chavis does have a history of allowing more third and long conversions than you would like to see. But that also means his defenses put offenses into third and long situations fairly consistently.
In sum, this is one hell of a hire for LSU. Put it this way, I think Les Miles still has more questions to answer about his abilities than John Chavis does. Great hire. From an insider's perspective Chavis's defensive players never quit and give everything they have for him. It's one of many reasons why I said my ideal situation at Tennessee would be leaving Chavis with complete control of the defense and making Mike Leach UT's head coach. I don't know very many Vol fans who weren't sad to see him go. We've lost to Florida for the past four years but only one of those years was because of the defense. The other three years the Chavis defense has held Florida's offense to 16, 21, and 23 points.
Have you seen this picture of Prince WIlliam BGID? What do you wanna bet he and Kate Middleton announce their engagement soon?? And while you're at it, who's the studly prince- WIlliam or Harry?? I mean, Harry went and fought in a war and all but William went and got a degree in Art History. Does the power of the beard overcome that??
Great find. As if he needed more raw sexual charisma than the ability to make any woman on earth a legitimate princess (I wonder how much that whole Disney princess collection has been aided by Prince William), now he's added a beard to the repertoire. He's unstoppable.
Put it this way, if William had been King in 1940, Hitler would have never even attempted to conquer England.
I'm also not as put off by the study of art history as you are, although admittedly it doesn't seem to reek of masculinity. But what it does suggest is that you're self-confident enough to major in art history. Which probably pays off in the end. Particularly given the enormous amount of women who major in art history. Granted most of those women end up marrying doctors or lawyers and never using their college degrees but money isn't an issue for William.
What this may signal is the tremendous power of the beard in London. If a 27 year old Prince William is ready to rock the beard, who isn't?
Beaver Pelt Trader of the Week: Canadian Book Reviews?
Friday, December 26, 2008
Mindy writes:
Hi Clay- I normally don't forward stuff like this, but I thought this was pretty funny- you may have already seen it. It's a video on You Tube from a former University of Michigan fan who auctioned his loyalty off to the highest bidder eBay. The high bidder got pick his new team, and the winner was Ole Miss ($301).
As part of the deal, he had to make a video of himself destroying his Michigan items and declaring his loyalty to the new team.
Hotty Toddy!
Was I the only person watching this video who wanted this Michigan fan to go with the face hidden in the elbow crook like he was posing for an adult friend finder ad instead of the video cutting off his face? Also, $301? This is all it took to sway a fan? This Michigan fan is literally being paid less than a penny per hour for his life of fandom. In other words there's nothing that he couldn't have done that would have been more profitable. He could have moved to Cambodia and worked those hours in a rice field, become a pimp in Zimbabwe; you name it and there isn't anything he couldn't have done that made less sense.
Also, I love the Grove as much as the next person--and I'll be at Ole Miss-Tennessee in November of 2009--but Ole Miss last won an SEC Title in 1963. This might turn out to be a difficult transition considering Michigan won a half-dozen Big Ten titles under Lloyd Carr-- a coach they ran out of town. Now if this guy is single and the Ole Miss sorority girls are impressed by his fan-auction on eBay (and honestly how couldn't they be?) then this might still pan out okay for him. Otherwise this is going to be a rough transition, really rough. Although nowhere near as bad as if some fan from Eastern Michigan had made the purchase. Imagine rooting for a team just a few miles away from Michigan that comes into the Big House every few years and gets trounced. So you've only moved about eight miles in fandom but the result is a world different. Worst of all, you're not getting to travel south and immerse yourself in hot women when it starts to get cold in Michigan. Instead you're rooting for a team that never wins the MAC and plays in front of about 10,000 people. This would have been a much better irony.
As a result of the Ole Miss video going up top we've got a beaver pelt trader of the week that appears inside the column. Young Adolf Hitler Campbell. Yep, that's his real name.
As nominated by reader Brian Davis,
Hey Clay,
Here is a Beaver Pelt candidate I'd like to nominate.
Hes 3 years old and his name is (100% serious) Adolf Hitler Campbell of Easton, PA.
With the name that "Deborah and Heath" Campbell gave him, you know for a fact that a) he is going to have one tough upbringing and b) he is going to need a little self-esteem boost and the BEAVER PELT can be the first step in that direction.
What if his name was A'dolf? Or even more amazing if you went with the > < sign in the middle. Something like A'dolf < Obama. Honestly this article is amazing. Basically a 3 year old kid tried to get a cake for his birthday party only the supermarket refused to put his name on the cake. So where did they go to get their cake? Wal Mart.
You've got to read this article. Everything about it is incredible. My favorite paragraphs come at the end:
Heath Campbell said he named his son after Adolf Hitler because he liked the name and because "no one else in the world would have that name."
The Campbells' two other children are named JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, who turns 2 in a few months, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell, who will be 1 in April.
Campbell said he was raised not to avoid people of other races but not to mix with them socially or romantically. But he said he would try to raise his children differently.
"Say he grows up and hangs out with black people. That's fine, I don't really care," he said. "That's his choice."
He said about 12 people attended the birthday party Sunday, including several children of mixed race.
Does anyone want to call bullshit on "several children of mixed race" business. Only twelve people went. And two of more of them were mixed race kids at Adolf Hitler Campbell's party? I'm finding this a little hard to believe.
Anyway, I'm with Brian Davis, this kid needs to win something. And now.
Brian McGee writes:
Ok, here’s an idea for you and I think your group of followers would be perfect for this “prank.” Since Amazon has decided to go ahead and announce the sale of your book how funny would it be if your readers went ahead and posted “reviews” of the book? What do you think?
This is not a bad idea, but it was Amazon Canada that is already selling On Rocky Top. I'm not sure if American Amazon customers can review products on Amazon Canada. Maybe they can. After all strippers in Canada take American dollars or Canadian loons. By the transitive property Amazon Canada should take American book reviews.
Someone make a play here and see if you can get the review posted. It will probably make you an early favorite for beaver pelt trader of the week. Although, to be honest, asking for reviews of a book that is still in an incomplete word file on my computer (currently clocking in at 295 pages) is a little intimidating. Like a very powerful self-jinx.
These were taken toward the shank of the evening. Much bourbon was consumed. Just spreading the word. Enjoy the holidays.
I'm deeply touched. (In a non-sexual manner.)
The beaver pelt trader of the week and more mailbag will be up later this afternoon, but for now I'm off to the movies with Lara. Also, I'm going to start rolling out Rough Draft, my book about training for the NFL Combine this weekend. Should be interesting, I hope.
Most of you aren't at work today anyway, at least I hope not. If you are, condolences. I'll be back later.
More Reasons Why Charles Woodson Didn't Deserve To Win The Heisman
I know I'm late on this (surprise, surprise) but several of you wrote to me after I posted about Charles Woodson vs. Eric Berry and compared their stats. That post was here.
Here were Woodson's stats in his Heisman year. In 1997 Woodson had 8 interceptions that he returned for a grand total of 7 yards (with no touchdowns), 47 tackles, 5 tackles for a loss and 1 sack. On offense and special teams he had 12 receptions for 238 yards and two touchdowns, and 36 punt returns (for an average of 8.1 yards) with 1 returned for a touchdown.
Anyway, after that post a couple of you sent emails or made me aware of other SEC players who had better seasons than Woodson. Feast your eyes on these.
First, Champ Bailey. This was posted by hoopscoach21 as a comment but was definitely worth of attention.
Let's compare Woodson to Champ Bailey. I think that this will further strengthen your argument that Woodson's season (for all its greatness) was also padded by the media hype.
1998: Champ Bailey
52 tackles, 3 int's, 7 passes defensed 47 catches, 744 yards 5 td's; 16 carries, 86 yards; 12 ko returns, 261 yards; 4 punt returns, 49 yards; Averaged 104 yards per game; played 957 snaps that season
By the way, fyi, what is "Champ" Bailey's real name? Roland. Anyway, Bailey was the Bronco Nagurski defensive player of the year in 1998 and also left college a year early.
Still not convinced Woodson was the beneficiary of the ESPN hype machine. How about we compare Woodson's Heisman year with Keiwan Ratliff of Florida.
From reader Josh comes this:
C’lay,
Good analysis of Eric Berry vs. Charles Woodson. Woodson was – by far – the most overrated Heisman winner ever. A few weeks ago, I was watching the Saints-Packers MNF game (I’m a Saints fan) with a buddy of mine whose parents are from Michigan. When the announcers first mentioned Woodson, he shouted “Heisman!” … to which I replied “Bullshit!” He was quite pleased with my opinion on the matter.
Anyway, after I asserted that Woodson-over-Manning was one of the greatest travesties in Heisman history, we got into a debate about the comparative merits of Woodson. Being a Gator fan, I claimed that Woodson was no better statistically during his Heisman year than Keiwan Ratliff (“Who?” Exactly.) in 2003.
During that year, these were Ratliff’s stats: 9 INTs for 182 yds., 2 TDs 49 Tackles, 1 TFL 31 punt returns, 11.1 avg. 4 receptions, 58 yds., 1 TD 6 pass break-ups 1 forced fumble 2 fumble recoveries, 111 yds., 2 TDs 1 blocked kick
These are certainly comparable to, if not better than, Woodson’s 1997 stats. However, much like Berry, Ratliff didn’t even win the Thorpe award (although I’ll freely admit that Berry is the more talented of the two) … which went to Derrick Strait of Oklahoma instead of Ratliff or Sean Taylor.
Moral of the story? Charles Woodson sucks, and the end-of-the-year awards suck. Either Woodson’s 1997 Heisman trophy should have been awarded to Manning, or at least 4 defensive players since 1997 should have won the Heisman. Nothing Woodson did was particularly special.
Feel free to pass this along to your wife and her family.
So, yeah, Charles Woodson sucks. How much? Gino Torretta was more deserving. Merry Christmas.
Like most of you I'm running around all day with family obligations. But I hope y'all are all having a good Christmas, that your beards are swollen with holiday cheer, and that, at long last, this year your Mrs. Claus fantasy will finally come true. What?
....
These 11 Gifts Many Merry Christmases for this Sports Fan
December 25, 2006
It’s Christmas, and if you’re anything like me, there’s a decent chance you’re staring at an outdated jersey featuring a player’s name from your favorite team who no longer plays for that team. Right now someone is reading this while stealing tearful glances at their Terrell Owens Eagles jersey lying forlornly on the eave of a fireplace. Maybe you’re even stifling back tears or finally convinced that Aunt Beatrice has finally cast the final die: That old bat never liked you. That’s because inevitably, sports fans get gifts that make no sense from people who aren’t sports fans. It’s the unwritten rule of Christmas giving: If you’re a sports fan, someone is going to give you a completely useless gift. I think this is why teams plaster their logos on every product on earth. Because they know people will buy them as gifts for sports fans.
Two years ago, I got an Eddie George Titans jersey. That was great. Swell even. The only problem was Eddie George was no longer a Titan. He played for the Cowboys. Nothing says, "Your present came from the remainder bin at Wal-Mart," like a jersey featuring a player who isn’t on your team anymore.
But it’s Christmas and the ClayNation column is nothing if not charitable, heart-warming and merry. We’re the Rudolph of sports columnists and that has nothing at all to do with the fact that my nose is always large and often red. Especially when, like now, I’m spending Christmas in Michigan where it’s always cold and the sun doesn’t exist. I’m even more charitable since I’ve spent several days watching A Christmas Story on constant repeat. So without further ado, here are the 11 greatest sports-related gifts of my life.
1. A Huffy bike: In 1987, Huffy bikes were the Porsches of elementary school. At least for middle-class kids in Nashville, anyway. It didn’t matter that we lived on a large hill that was so steep I could only ride in small circles in the back yard, or that I never really got good at riding bikes. I had a bike. And theoretically, I could go anywhere. Of course this was only in theory. When my wife and I visited Mackinac Island in Michigan where no cars are allowed and everyone traverses the island on bikes or horse-drawn carriages, I may have set a record for most embarrassing number of warbles. At one point, I spooked a horse and actually grazed it because when I go too fast, I freeze and forget how to stop. So I end up trying to put my feet down and skid to an extremely ungraceful stop. This was embarrassing; humiliating was when an old man carrying his golf clubs on a basket in front of his bike pedaled past me on a small hill.
2. Dukes of Hazard Sit-n-Spin: This was not to be confused with the Dukes of Hazard big wheel which I also had. Did anyone else have one of these things? It was for indoors and you sat on it and twisted the wheel and you would spin around like crazy. I used to put a paper sack over my head to make myself even dizzier. Then I would stand up and try to walk around without falling over. I had no idea at the time, but this was pretty good practice for both college and law school.
3. Balloons: It’s possible there has never been a kid who loved balloons more than I did. And these weren’t even the fancy helium balloons. The other day, my wife went to buy balloons and they cost about $20. I didn’t even know what to say. Balloons are $20 now? Can you fly in them? When I was young, my dad would blow up the cheap, colored balloons and we’d play a game to see how long we could hit the balloon back and forth before it touched the ground. Or we’d sit in the hallway and the game was to try and knock the balloon over the other person’s head and score a point. My dad had to sit still while I could eye gouge, punch and dive at will. When I was about four years old, I got a huge collection of unfilled balloons of varied colors in my stocking. I thought life could never be sweeter.
4. Boss Hog punching bag: This was one of those blow-up gizmos that -- when you punched or kicked it -- the thing would go down and then come right back up again. Mine featured Boss Hogg in a white suit holding a cigar and I never got tired of pummeling the Boss or talking trash before knocking him down.
5. Mini-UT basketball: Remember when you were too young to actually shoot a legitimate-sized basketball so you got one of those little ones? I loved this thing because all of a sudden I could shoot on a regulation basket. The only downside was you got cocky over how far out you could shoot from. And you ended up shooting with only one arm. But what a small price to pay for being able to shoot on a legitimate basket.
6. Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!: This was the elementary school video game of all video games. Everyone had this. I remember Bryan Lassiter and his brother loved this game so much that his parents used to punish him and his brother by taking it away when they made bad grades. Only they’d both figured out some way to transfer games from one Nintendo cartridge to the other. It wasn’t just the labels. They had some brilliant system. So they’d fail a math test and Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! would disappear. But we’d pop in Donkey Kong and next thing you know, Glass Joe’s on the screen and you’re working your way back up to Mike Tyson. His parents were none the wiser. I also loved the code here that would allow you to skip ahead to Mike Tyson. This, along with the Contra code that gave you unlimited lives, were like the Holy Grail of elementary school. There was nothing better. The adult equivalent to this discovery would be if somebody cured HIV and the DVR actually printed $100 bills of legal tender every time you used it.
7. Cincinnati Reds necklace pendant: I got this in fifth grade. Gold chains were really cool in fifth grade at Brick Church Middle School. And Cincinnati Reds center-fielder Eric Davis had one too. For the record, I also ended up with high-top cleats in baseball because Davis embraced them. This chain pendant was so cool. I remember I used to wear it with a Cincinnati Reds turtleneck. Oh, and I used to spike my hair but only in the part. Obviously, I was really cool also. Come ninth grade, I denied I ever owned this pendant along with a Beverly Hills, 90210 cast poster that was so old it featured the guy in the cowboy hat who shot himself. These are the only two things I’ve ever owned and then spent 10 years of my life denying I’d ever actually owned them. Then, one day, my parents were cleaning out our house and storing things in the trunk that were on their way to the dumpster. I opened the trunk to take out my shin guards for soccer practice and there was the Beverly Hills, 90210 poster on top of everything. Worst of all, most of my soccer friends were standing around and all saw it. This was the high school equivalent of opening the trunk of your car to uncover a dead body while you’re getting stopped for speeding. I still haven’t lived it down.
8. Strawberry Shortcake carrying case: OK, I know this has nothing to do with sports, but I feel like I should confess. The carrying case was, not surprisingly, shaped like a large strawberry and had all these places inside where you could store your mini Strawberry Shortcakes. I had an embarrassingly extensive collection of these things. Once, my younger sister and I got into a fight over who owned Rasberry Tart Skating. If you could plot my masculinity on a chart, I’m pretty confident this was the low point.
9. VCR Football: My dad and I played this game all the time. You would compete against one another by drawing cards that required you to pop in a VCR tape and see what the resulting play was. We got really competitive with this, recording every game along with the score in the box itself. We had like a hundred games worth of recorded history. Plus, the tape was limited so it got to the point where you could memorize the order of the plays. Pure torture was knowing the opposing team was going to recover your fumble for a touchdown on the next play and then having to push the play button and having to watch the game play itself out in agonizing detail. I still wake up sweating with memories of that squiggly line that always showed up when a VCR was paused.
10. Jake the Snake Plastic Wrestler: For some reason, certain WWF wrestling figures were impossible to find in Nashville, Tenn. Jake the Snake was one. The Honky Tonk Man and the British Bulldogs were others. Also, I never was able to find Miss Elizabeth no matter what. Not that I’m still bitter about that or anything. It just would have really made my Macho Man matches a lot more authentic. The local Toys R Us always had Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant and Bobby the Brain Heenan. But if you wanted the others, you had to mortgage your soul. Then one Christmas, I got Jake the Snake. Unbelievable. I was ecstatic.
11. Daisy BB Gun: These were big in the South because, clearly, one never knew when it might be necessary to pelt some unsuspecting bird with BB pellets. Or when secession might necessitate someone taking up arms again. I only killed one thing with my BB gun. My friend Matt and I saw a snake in a small creek and shot the thing, conservatively, 14 million times. Even after that, the snake was still moving. There was this huge pile of spent BBs under the water beneath him. I didn’t know it then, but this performance qualified me to be a member of the NYPD.
So I just finished this column in Michigan where I’m spending Christmas and my wife sauntered in at the end of my reading it aloud to her and said, "I had Miss Elizabeth." I didn’t believe her until 10 minutes later when she had finished scrounging through her toys and brought in Miss Elizabeth. Yep, Miss Elizabeth herself ... in the plastic. So now, 17 Christmases later, I sort of have a Miss Elizabeth of my very own. See, sometimes Christmas miracles do happen.
In Spirit of the Holiday Season: Another CAR Voter Arrives
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
David Jessen WIWBGID (Wishing I Was BGID)
C’lay,
The subject is correct I would like to nominate a fellow co-worker/friend as an apostrophe voter. Don’t get me wrong, nothing would give me more pleasure than having the opportunity to vote. But due to my inability to grow facial hair, I have little chance to compete with the many bearded contestants. I will take any casting calls for Civil War drummer boys.
Without further ado my nomination goes to Mr. Andrew Lang, BGID. First of all, Lang introduced me to your CBS column several years ago. This introduction single handedly gave me something to look forward to, besides happy hours. First of all, with regret I must say he is a Creighton University Basketball fan. One of their players and a Missouri Valley Conference MVP candidate is P’Allen Stinnett. Last season Creighton saw the power of the apostrophe and has fully embraced this power. First of all, he is an awful speller, which will humorously offset “The Asian Good Speller.”
The recurrent first of alls has not been played in a while. Very well done. Welcome Andrew Lang, the first CAR Voter to arrive via selfless nomination. I figured the holiday season was the best time to spring it upon everyone.
This also gives me an opportunity to add in the Galaga picture once again. Yep, we've added another. Soon the CAR will be lined up like so many galaga fighters blasting away at the apostrophe ignorance in the country.
'Bama Bangs on Women? Ranking the SEC jobs...more mailbag
Chris Sakin writes:
C'La-y, Here I thought Bama Bangs were limited to men....it appears as though the FSU President's lady is a proponent.... Also - he's the PRESIDENT of the university; surely he could spring for a few more Christmas lights! And I'm not even going to get into the photo shopped card.....
Wow. I haven't really seen the female version of the 'Bama Bangs before but the FSU's president certainly has them. Wild thought, she's sending a coded signal to Nick Saban that when Bobby Bowden finally dies in office, they're going to make a run at him despite the Jimbo Fisher in waiting contract. Something to think about whenever you can pull your eyes away from the strangely alluring fbb on
Nathan writes:
I may have missed it, but I would be interested to get your take on Dan Mullen’s accepting the Mississippi State job. It is inevitable that good coordinators will ultimately leave your program for a head coaching job (unless your name is Charlie Strong). But I wonder if Miss. St. is the best “first job” for Mullen. Nobody has won in Starkville without cheating. I think there is a strong argument that Mississippi State is the worst job in the SEC. The expectations are higher than they are at Vanderbilt or Kentucky, but they have all the same disadvantages. They’re doomed to get annual ass beatings, there is nothing attractive about the school that would make the better athletes from other states want to go there, and their athletic department can’t budget for high paid assistant coaches. It seems like he is destined to fail. I think a better move would be to take a WAC, MAC, Mountain West conference type job where the playing field is a little more level and hope to get that Urban Meyer/Greg Schiano scent on him after a few winning seasons (Schiano has to be kicking himself for turning down the Miami job, there’s a guy whose name you never here linked to coaching vacancies anymore).
Getting back to my original point, I think Dan Mullen screwed up. His stock is at an all time high now with Tebow/Harvin involved in his schemes so you can’t blame him for leaving now, but I think for a long term career perspective he should have taken a Boise State type job. Three years from now the Bulldogs may be on their third helmet color change in as many years, and they may show Mullen the door where his destiny will be to replace Mike Price at UTEP. I hope I’m wrong because Mullen seems like a decent guy.
For the record I’m fully aware that the Gators haven’t won a game in Starkville in over 20 years, and we’re staring at a date with them in Mississippi next year with our ex-coordinator leading the Bulldogs. The scenario sets up for another Gator loss with cowbells clanging.
Good question and analysis of the Mullen situation. Here's my take. First, I agree with you that Miss. State is the worst job in the SEC. In fact, here's my ranking of the best jobs (I'm defining best here based primarily on recruiting. I.e. the degree to which you can get the best players in your state without having to travel much and combining that with fan support/expectations.)
1. Florida 2. LSU 3. Georgia 4. Alabama 5. Tennessee Significant drop off here in my mind. 6. Auburn (I think Chizik showed that Auburn's a ways down on the pecking order.) 7. South Carolina Another significant drop off. 8. Arkansas 9. Ole Miss 10. Kentucky 11. Vandy 12. Miss. State
If there's any real disputing these rankings, I'll break them out and explain my rationale at some point. Basically the theory is how bad could a coach be at these jobs and not have an implosion. (I think LSU is the best argument among the top 5, but the fact that Louisiana produces more college athletes per capita than any state in the country is significant to me.)
Now, getting back to your point, I think you have to leave if you're Mullen because, to be honest, things can't get much better than they are now at Florida. They just can't. Miss. State fans aren't entirely delusional (anyone who watched the Croom offenses over the year more than two or three times wanted to bang their head into a wall without wearing a helmet.) In fact, they were ecstatic last year with a win in the Liberty Bowl. Looking at the MSU offense Mullen might think that he can go there and make a difference. I refuse to believe they could be that bad on offense in terms of talent.
On defense State has been solid. But offense? Just awful. Last year State averaged 15.4 points a game. That was 115 out of 119 in the country. Say Mullen rolls in there and can get that average up to 23 or so points a game next year. That's probably good enough for 6-6. Get it up to 26 the next year after and he's 7-5. Is that good enough to make the jump to another job? I think so. Hell, even if he goes there and flounders he might be able to make the move to a MAC school a la Dave Clawson. So I think it was a good move because I don't think he needs to blow the doors off the place, I think if he wins more games than he loses over the next two or three years, there will be a job waiting for him somewhere bigger. Maybe over at Auburn.
Dan writes:
Just a simple question: does the fact Blagojevich is rocking Bama-bangs and not a beard have anything to do with his current legal issues? If he drops the bangs and grows a beard, is he aquitted of all charges? And if not, should Obama grow a beard and change his name to O'bama to distance himself from the problem?
Actually, as president, he can probably get away with presumptive ownership and go with Obama'.
And yet, Mr. Blagojevich, 52, rarely turns up for work at his official state office in Chicago, former employees say, is unapologetically late to almost everything, and can treat employees with disdain, cursing and erupting in fury for failings as mundane as neglecting to have at hand at all times his preferred black Paul Mitchell hairbrush. He calls the brush “the football,” an allusion to the “nuclear football,” or the bomb codes never to be out of reach of a president.
Honestly, the football? This is too good to be true. Get your nominations in for beaver pelt trader of the year. I have a feeling Bagojevich is going to be included.
True or False: The Titans' Defense Sings End of the Road Better Than Anyone in the NFL
True. Meet Keith Bulluck, David Thornton, Nick Harper, and Chris Hope. Among others. Of course Bulluck takes the lead. I'm just surprised he didn't sing with red gloves on.
In case you're wondering today is Titans tribute day--ClayNation style.
LenDale White Treats the Terrible Towel With the Respect it Deserves
In the past I've been critical of SEC fans waving pom-pons. This criticism was also in Dixieland Delight. After attending the Titans-Steelers game this weekend though, I have to say, the terrible towel is dumber than pompons at SEC games. By about 10,000%.
At least the pompon is designed to facilitate cheering. Love it or hate it, and I hate it, the pompon is serving its designated purpose. The terrible towel is just a yellow towel that a large group of fat rust belt refugees have decided to wave in between bites of bratwurst. It serves no purpose, has no unique back story, and is really just further indication of why Pittsburgh is one of the decrepit armpits of America. They should put the towels to good use and clean up their city with them instead.
Now Steelers fans are going to be up in arms about LenDale White "dissing" their team. First of all, this is incredibly stupid, he's a football player not the head of state. Second, you're disrepecting other fans by waving a stupid yellow towel at a football game. He treated the terrible towel with the respect it so richly deserves. Third, the brain power of most Steelers fans will be similar to the brainpower of the guys at steelersdepot.com (which I'm sure is the Shakespeare of Steeler sports blogs) actually stamping their logo on a copyrighted CBS video clip. Brilliant. Hey idiots, you don't own a clip because you take it off television and put it on the internet. But at least CBS knows who to sue for copyright infringement without having to do a single bit of research.
If the Steelers are lucky enough to come back to Nashville for the AFC Championship Game, Titans fans should bring bottles of mouthwash and toothpaste to swing above our heads. It makes as much sense.
Having said that, what do I like the most about this video? Vince Young with the stomping sneak attack. This makes sense, it's exactly what you'd expect your back-up quarterback with psychological issues to do. Wait until someone else has already stomped on the towel and then sneak in a casual stomp yourself. Even better is that he's still wearing his full-length jacket. I'm just glad Vince didn't reaggravate his MCL injury on the stomp.
In Honor of Titans Homefield Rob Bironas Stars in Commercial
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Ever since I saw this commercial late at night last summer on local Nashville television, I've wanted to look for it on youtube. But I never really got around to it until today. Because they ran a short segment of this commercial during the game and I remembered. The commercial is perfect. Especially the final kick at the end. Honestly, that final kick gets me every time.
Other things about this commercial that I love:
1. The mustache on the guy who thinks to call Rob Bironas. There's a close-up of the 'stache. I get the sense that everyone wanted this role but they all deferred to the 'stache guy because it was clear he had to play the boss.
2. The lady dropping the elbow on the copier. For some reason I think she ad-libbed this move. Also, I like her immediate reaction, throwing up the arms after the dropped elbow doesn't work. She looks like a late 1980's wrestler who has just punched Hulk Hogan after he'd got his second wind that was going to inevitably end with a leg drop and pin.
3. The Bironas growl. Lots of NFL kickers would have stuck with trying to look intense without making a sound, Bironas went gutteral for us. The commercial is better as a result. Again, was the growl in the script or did Bironas bring this out via a method acting move?
4. This video has been up on youtube since July of 2008 and only 1,500 people have watched. How is this possible? I guess this is evidence of what a small market Tennessee is. This is what would happen if I was the Titans beat writer, I'd skip the press conferences to get the scoop on the Bironas commercial. I'm much more interested in it than most of the things that are written about.
5. The black guy going Daniel Larusso Karate Kid style on the copier. This happens so fast it's almost impossible to catch. Or maybe that's just me. It was only on my fifth viewing that I saw his move. It happens in the back left of the screen. I suppose this makes the copier Johnny.
6. R.J. Young is allowed to use the Titans uniform and logo. How much did this cost them? Taking it a step further, how amazing is this? Remember when Michael Jordan did the Ballpark Frank commercials (you know where he stopped playing and looked up at the scoreboard because there was a delicious hotdog there)? Ballpark didn't even pay for him to wear the Bulls uniform. Yet R.J. Young looked at this commercial script and thought, "There's no way this thing is working if Rob Bironas isn't in his official Titans uniform. We'll pay any price."
Basically this commercial is the red wheelbarrow of athlete commercials, the longer you look at it the more you see. I need to know more about this. Most importantly, how much did Rob Bironas get paid for this ad? Do you think they just gave him free copier service for life?
Anyway, more on the frigid Titans game later, but, until now, enjoy this commercial again.
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Gene Chizik. If only because I can't imagine he'll ever win another. Also because he replaces the inspiration for our original beaver pelt trader of the week, Tommy Tuberville. You'll recall that the bptotw (or maybe you won't I know we bring in new people fairly regularly) came about while I was ruminating upon why people always called Tuberville a riverboat gambler. Now that everyone's grandma is a riverboat gambler I thought the name had lost the panache. Enter the beaver pelt trader. So, congrats to Chizik on his win. "Alas, poor Tommy, I knew him well, Tardio, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy." On to All That and a Bag of Mail.
Joey asks:
Why do you think there is such a HUGE pile-on on Auburn for their shitty hire? Why did Tennessee not get any of the flack that Auburn is getting for hiring a coach with a similar record? I'm guessing because of Barkley...
The huge pile-on is coming because 48 Auburn fans "went swimming" ten days ago in the Black Warrior river and have not yet come up for air. As for comparing this hire with Kiffin, it's because of the relative risk/reward disparity between the two hires. Kiffin brought in his dad who is arguably the best DC in football, will bring in Coach O. who is arguably the best recruiter in football. Kiffin also has a national championship ring as an assistant coach, is one of the best recruiters in the country, and was one of 32 head coaches in the NFL. Now, Kiffin may fail. But he offers the opportunity for great success, i.e. he could be a homerun hire. We just don't know. Chizik offers no homerun potential. In fact, he offers the opportunity for an Outback Bowl berth if everything goes right in a season. That's a big difference.
By the way, for the 10 of you who wanted books, if you haven't already heard from me, you can go to paypal and input my email address and transfer the funds. $18 including shipping. (Cover price is #13.95 and I can't sell them for less than cover. So you get my autograph for free. Admittedly this probably makes the book worth less, but it's something.)
Alex writes:
Remember last year when Winter never came and you said it had already happened in like the Civil War and you posted a link to the actual wikipedia entry about it???? Could you help remind me when that was and send me the link????
I love how I'm getting a pass on being incorrect about winter coming last year. Let the record reflect that I also predicted the coming credit crisis, that Obama would win by 7 percentage points, and that Nick Saban would go 12-1 in his second season. Also that USC would lose to Oregon State. Basically, I'm Biff in Back to the Future 2 You've got things backward here; it was actually the year that summer never came. It was 1816. Memorably and creatively known in historical circles as, "Year Without a Summer." Read about it on wikipedia here.
Chris C. writes:
Clay:
I just finished Dixieland Delight, which I devoured in 2 days of serious reading, punctuated only by reading passages aloud to my wife. I am a Houston Alum (Ph.D. 1997) and follow Conference USA closely. I was a bit surprised when you were talking about the number of national championships that used to be awarded, mentioning that Southern Miss had won 2 in the early 80s. I, of course, went immediately to the internet to check it out. The SMU that won "national championships" in 1981-1982 was Southern Methodist, not Southern Miss.
Anyway, small point. your book was a most enjoyable read. I am giving it as a gift to a few friends this Christmas. What say you to a sequel, traveling the Big 12? I realize it would not have the romance of the SEC, but it is compelling football.
Regards
Ladies and gentlemen let's hear it for my fact checker...me. This is the biggest error anyone has noted in my book. Although it should bear noting that the first time I introduced my wife in the book, I said, "My wife, Lard,..." and no one noticed that I'd called her Lard instead of Lara for three readings. That came very close to being a disater. So the fact that I bungled this isn't a huge surprise. Your eyes glaze over when you're proof-reading any book. Much less one that is 385 pages.
As for the other conferences question, when I finished Dixieland HarperCollins pitched the idea of traveling around to the Pac-10 schools to me. I turned that one down because I don't have a life experience with that conference. Same thing with the Big 12. I think someone could do what I did for another conference (and I'm sure at some point someone will) but it needs to be someone with a fan connection to those schools. Not somebody trying to cash a check.
Patrick McCormack writes:
At half-time of the of the UF-Vandy game, about 1,000,000 middle school girls took the field to perform some cheerleader routine. 999,997 were middle school girls, 3 were 9-13 year old boys. They weren't spotters, or bases, nope they did the whole routine.
My wife is pregnant, we are having a son. My fear is my son would rather show spirit fingers than play football. My question: When do you know, you know? Is it the dancing or being artistic, musical theater, a love for (Casey) Dick? Chris Rock said he knew his cousin was gay, "we was playing ball, he was skipping rope," but how would a father know? This terrifies me.
I don't know. Nor do I think about it very much because you can't control it. For better or worse your genes have made the call already. And, let's be clear, do you really want one of those guys who is clearly gay but is so terrified of his family that he pretends to be stright.
Other people do make jokes about this already. For instance, my mother-in-law. The first time we thought Fox might be sick we had to take his temperature. In case you're not aware (I wasn't) you have to stick a thermometer in a babies asshole for this. Yeah, awesome. Anyway, she did it and then she said, "He seems to really like it."
I mean, really...thanks.
Fun fact, do you know how many sex partners the average gay man has in his lifetime?
55.
Do you know how many sex partners the average straight man has?
5.
Basically, gay dudes bang all the time.
Fun fact number 2, when I was in high school the Spanish teacher at my school, Senor Mickey Frith (big surprise there), was arrested for walking through a Y locker room with a video camera. In an ironic twist he filmed himself teaching with the same video camera and sent the videos to school.
Fun fact number 3, I'm a member at the downtown Y in Nashville. They've recently redone the locker room. I'm walking around upstairs to check it out and they've put in a sign in the men's locker room about sexual activity being forbidden. Please tell me there's one of these in the women's locker room too.
I've always thought this is the great untold story of gay people, why don't they brag more about getting to go into the locker room with people they get to have sex with?
Think about what this would be like for a heterosexual man. If you could go into a locker room and see naked women in there--all work in the country would cease. We would never leave. I know I wouldn't.
Craig Chandler writes:
You talked about putting up with Fox stories the rest of your life. This one is hard to beat. Man picks up dead Fox, wrecks after it revives.
This? This is nothing. Just your typical man by the last name of Fox stops to cut the tail off a "dead" fox on the side of the road, only to find out the fox is alive after he puts it in the back seat of his SUV, only to attempt to avoid being bitten by said fox and then flipping his SUV. But the real kicker. The final paragraph:
Fox suffered minor injuries and bruises and was treated at the scene by Montgomery County Emergency Medical Service.
The fox was found dead in the SUV. Grandstaff said it was not clear whether the animal died of injuries caused by being hit by the SUV or if it died in the wreck. It was also not known if Tommy Fox got to keep the tail.
Would Tommy Fox have known that fox tails are bushier this time of year if he hadn't had the last name of Fox? I doubt it.
Titans vs. Steelers on Sunday: Is Losing Really So Bad?
I'm a Titans fan and I'll be freezing my ass off on Sunday when the Steelers roll into town. I haven't written that much about the Titans this year, but I've watched every play of every game as usual. There's much hand-wringing in the Music City over what happens if the Titans lose to the Steelers (as Vegas expects them to do). But what no one is talking about so far is with the Colts having locked up the number 5 seed is losing actually advantageous for the first round match-ups?
Barring an absolute collapse by any team here is what the AFC Playoffs are likely to resemble when the season ends in two weeks.
1. Titans/Steelers 2. Titans/Steelers 3. AFC East Champ 4. Denver Broncos (thanks to the Hochuli call they only need to win one of their last two to clinch the division) 5. Indy 6. AFC East Dolphins, Patriots, Jets non-division winner/or, less likely, Baltimore
Okay, the top two teams get a bye. We know who those two teams will be. Now it's just a matter of seeding them. It's a virtual certainty that Indy will be traveling to Denver to play the Broncos. Similarly, it's likely that the Ravens will be headed to the AFC East Champs. This is thanks to the absurd method of seeding the NFL adopts where winning a division is more important than your overall record. (Ergo the Colts would probably be the third best team if we went only by records.)
The Colts are going to beat the Broncos. Book it. If that happens and the 3 seed wins (whoever that might be) then the Colts will go to the number one seed for the divisional round of the playoffs because they'll be advancing as the lowest seeded team and the NFL reseeds after every playoff round.
That's a big deal. Because the Colts have already gone into Pittsburgh and won once this year. Isn't it likely they could do so again? In this scenerio the Titans would draw the AFC East's 3 seed. (Unless the 6 seed goes on the road and wins. Which is much less likely in my mind.) Now I know the Jets have beaten the Titans in Nashville, but isn't this the much more preferable draw anyway?
In other words, I'm not that sure that the one seed will advance to the AFC Championship Game. And if you look at the divisional round games then it's likely, based on predictions, that the 2 seed will have an easier game than the 1 seed. Hardly anyone has talked about this. So while you definitely want to win the game, it's hardly do or die.
Especially considering both the Titans and Colts will be resting their starters next week at Indy. So the Titans won't play another big game for three weeks. Anyway, just something to kick around as the big game gets closer. It's certainly more interesting than what you're likely to hear much more about during the game: Chris Johnson running a 4.24 at the combine this year.
This is the most overreported stat on Titans telecasts this year. Every single person in the free world knows this now. Why don't you tell me his middle name instead? Something, anything different about Chris Johnson.
Can you please discuss Spencer Pratt's beard and how it impacted Heidi marrying him?
Just when you think The Hills can't get any better, it does. I can't wait for the finale on Monday. In fact, and this is a true story, while we were lifting yesterday Tardio said, "We should get some smoothies after our workout on Monday and watch The Hills finale." When I looked at him he said, "I mean we could have a few beers too, if you want."
(By the way, for those of you who don't have any kids, the DVR becomes even more important in your life once you have kids. There is no way I'd ever be able to watch any show without the DVR. Half the time I don't even know what day it is.)
Anyway, Spencer's beard. It's weird, right? He's got a blond beard which is an issue anyway because often those are sort of invisible, but his beard also comes in most strongly on his mustache. Which is kind of scary. And weird. Because his mustache is so thick and then he's got such big teeth that the combination of the two is amazingly uncomfortable. Whenever he talks he looks lind of like an ape. Making it all the more amazing that he's ended up with Heidi.
Because Heidi just gets hotter each week. It's kind of alarming how hot she is because every time I take note of it I think about how much she doesn't look like her mom and her sister. And I wonder how she ended up so hot. Which makes me think about the first season of The Hills and how different she looks since then. Which further makes me think that Spencer is so in Heidi's head that he's dictating exactly what she should look like after she visits the private surgeon.
By the way, was anyone else thinking about a Heidi and Spencer sex tape when he went to the video camera to show the wedding? Is there any way this thing doesn't get leaked in the next two years?
I'll buy it.
In conclusion, I think you have to give Spencer BGID status. Despite the weirdness of his beard and the fact that he's borderline psychotic. There's no doubt that he's outkicked his coverage with Heidi. And that my friends is symptom one of the power of the beard.
Clay, I was surprised to see, as of yet, no mention on your blog of the bama bangs that have recently rocketed to national infamy. I am, of course, referring to the hair stylings of used-senate-seat-salesman Rod Blagojevich. Now that bama bangs might be associated with a corrupt, moronic douchebag like the Illinois Governor, and given the universal derision his hair has received, do you think this might go down as the high water mark for bama bangs? It has to have a lasting affect right? I guess the real question is will it be the Antietam, Vicksburg or Gettysburg of the bangs war?
The fact that the people of Illinois elected a man who has hair like this to be Governor should go down as one of the more shameful decisions of modern democracy. Right up there with Robert Mugabe's recent "re-election" in Zimbabwe. Several things, first, I think these are, in fact, 'Bama Bangs. When they've spread to Illinois Democrats from Serbia you know they're truly everywhere. Am I the only person who pictures a Blagojevich prenuptial agreement including a clause that his wife isn't allowed to touch his hair during sex?
On to the more important questions, how could you remotely trust someone who decides to wear his hair like this? When my wife first heard of this scandal she walked in while I was watching CNN, looked at the television, and then said, "I don't know why people are surprised he was trying to sell a Senate seat. Look at his hair." This sentence makes complete sense.
I'm inclined to call his hairstyle 'Bama Bangs unless someone can provide evidence for why they aren't. They seem to fit all the criteria. After all, there's got to be some reason why Blagojevich is the most popular governor in the state of Alabama.
As an aside, what percentage of this story's airplay increases because reporters like to say Blagojevich? Everyone has a friend who is impressed at their ability to pronounce difficult last names. In my experience all of those friends grow up to be television reports. Anyway, it's gotta be 15 or 20%.
Last Day To Sign Up For the Bowl Pick' Em Contest On Yahoo
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Something like 150 of you have signed up for your challenge. Thursday and Friday are the final days to sign up and be able to do your picks while you're sitting at your office desk. It's also close to the final day to get your picks in. Why? Because believe it or not the bowl season gets rolling on Saturday with the Congressional Bowl. Awesome.
Right now my favorite team names (in no particular order) are:
Gene Chizik's black mistress Cam Newton's Laptop Adios Stafford and Moreno La'Steve Nash VisantheShiancoewasinthepool 3rd and Chavis Lauren Bowden's Photograoph Fightin' Pterodactyls Spencer Pratt loves his nana Utah Utes will mess you up!!! (the three exclamations gets me every time)
I'm...Clay Travis.
So sign up if you dare. And for those of you who have already signed up and haven't yet done your picks. Get on it. (Like me.)
Honestly, to be fair, it's pretty common to want to punch Cincinnati cab drivers. They're never there when you need them and when you get inside they want to take you out in Northern Kentucky. Here's the story.
Cincinnati Police say 40 year old Andy Kennedy punched 25 year old cab driver Mohammed Ould Jiddou in the face with a closed fist while shouting racial slurs. The assault happened in the 500 block of Walnut Street in Downtown Cincinnati at 1 a.m. The police report states that there was an unrelated witness who saw the incident.
Now the Muslim slur thing, that's neither common nor acceptable. Unless it's something witty like a high five after you say, "Muslims are the bomb, man." And then only if the Muslim thinks it's funny and is not literally the bomb.
Anyway, what does Ole Miss say about the situation?
This afternoon, Local 12 received this statement Ole Miss Athletics Director Pete Boone: "Clearly, this is an unfortunate situation. However, after a full discussion with Andy Kennedy and his staff, who were with him, I have the utmost confidence that once all the facts are known, Coach Kennedy will be cleared of all charges."
Which is awesome. Because you know what Pete Boone really said was, "Go whine to Allah, you furriner."
Andy Kennedy punching someone does add some spice to what has been a remarkably boring SEC-Big East Challenge. By the way, who thinks up the idea for a challenge and then has it only feature 25% of the teams? Basically this thing is coming down to whether or not Mississippi State can beat Cincinnati. Because Ole Miss is going to lose to Louisville. Unless Rick Pitino is replaced by Bin Laden on the sideline. Then Kennedy will punch Bin Laden with a "closed fist." (Nice reporting.)
By the request of several of you, here's Colonel Reb is crying--the work of Chris Vernon out of Memphis. Verno has a great radio show there. I truly hope he's working on an Auburn version.
Who would have believed Coach O would be coming to Knoxville? Amazing.
Liz writes:
Clay,
I realize that you've already picked the judges, so this is too little too late. But I still wanted to belatedly volunteer, in the off chance that one of the chosen judges needs a replacement... especially seeing as I fit the whole female and Asian criteria. and went to vandy law. And have an excuse in that I am no longer able to religiously keep up with your writing (I really miss school sometimes) b/c I'm a first year and my life is not entirely my own.
Also, I was discussing ridiculous names with a group of friends... and we came up with L'ia. It's the best because it looks pretty normal, but would obviously be pronounced Lapostrophia.
At long last, an Asian woman for the CAR! Pumps fist repeatedly. (Above the waist). This cinches the deal, Tardio is out. Also, I think I may have messed up. If I emailed you and said you were in as a voter and then you haven't appeared yet email me again. Our roster is set, but I think I left off the announcing of a couple of people.
Yeah, I suck.
Dick Strong (his real name)writes:
Clay,
Seeing as I'm too busy spending my day worrying that Auburn will steal another good coach away from Ole Miss, such that I am unable to get my next brief to the Sixth Circuit prepared, I started thinking, how would it feel to be Mike Hamilton right now? You go and fire a legendary coach halfway through the season under pressure from your alums because the team has admittedly underperformed, even though they were in the SEC Championship last year. One advantage to the timing of Fulmer's firing was that he got to take a half-hearted victory lap (excluding the loss to Wyoming) for the last half of the season and everyone gets to be teary-eyed during the Kentucky game. However, the major disadvantage to firing before the end of the season was that you had to have someone pick up his headset the moment he put it down for recruiting purposes. To this end, Mike Hamilton got talked into an inexperienced coach who's major recommendation for the job was that Emperor Palpatine had thought highly enough of him to give him command of the Palpatine Guards, only to fire him a little later while simultaneously reminding everyone that overhead projectors still exist. Then to add insult to injury, less than a week after you introduced your 33 year old coach and his hot, pregnant wife, Auburn goes and frees up one of the best x's and o's coaches working today, a good recruiter with a solid and loyal staff, and someone who was 7 of 10 against one of your biggest rivals. If Hamilton hadn't had the pressure to have a coach in the wings for Fulmer's last game, what are the odds that Tommy Tubberville would be wearing a different shade of orange today? Do you think Hamilton even made a call to Tubb's agent saying, "you know if those crazy Auburn booster's up and fire your guy, what are his thoughts about hunter orange?"
just a rambling thought, dick strong
All of this is entirely accurate. Except you forgot the part where Jay Jacobs goes and hires Gene Chizik. Every other SEC AD is walking on air now. Walking on air. To recap, Auburn 2008 preseason--Tommy Tuberville, my vote for the best coach in the SEC. Auburn 2009 preseason--Gene Chizik, my vote for the worst coach in the SEC. Wow.
Mike writes:
As someone with a familiar knowledge of the product (I agreed to protect him by changing his name and not announcing his position), I wanted to give you some feedback regarding your ESPN article. Apart from sounding a bit conspiratorial, you have to realize that ESPN still has needs and those needs can only be met by cable operators. One link in this mutually beneficial relationship, is the fact that ESPN has like 8 other networks that kind of suck. The way they get cable companies to agree upon this, is by not jacking up the subscription price. For instance, they really want Comcast to carry ESPN U, which we really don’t want to, but if they keep the price down in the next negotiation, then, guess which network you will see on your cable box? ESPN still needs Comcast and Time Warner to get its product to the masses. Just ask the NFL Network. They thought they sat in the catbird seat as well. Now about 1/8 of the cable world see’s their games. It is an ecosystem. Well, maybe not but it’s definitely an oligopoly.
Good points. But the only problem with this is that Comcast tried to buy Disney because ESPN kept ratcheting up the cost of their programming. And while I agree that ESPN's networks aren't all spectacular, ESPN has been doing a pretty good job spreading out their content among those networks. How? By continuing to add sports programming. Witness the new SEC package.
Woe unto Comcast if they don't add ESPNU and there are SEC games involved. SEC fans will make the NFL Network spat look like a kid's sand pail argument. Remember, back when ESPN2 started it was full of crap, now it's pretty indispensable. Same thing with ESPN News, which to be honest I prefer over ESPN because it gets right to the big news at the top of every half-hour instead of making me sit through constant analysis. (And by the way, who doesn't love getting to watch the press conferences? I love this. I just wish ESPN did a better job of covering these.)
So I guess what I'm saying is that while I respect that ESPN needs the cable companies to deliver their content, they've made themselves indispensable. What would really increase their power? A la cart programming. Because I'd pay $10 a month to ESPN in a heartbeat if I could eliminate the 150 other channels I never watch.
Colin writes:
Clay,
Watching the Coach O Hummer commercial reminded me of a video made about him a couple of years ago. I'm not a gambling man, but if I were I'd bet that LSU fans made this:
Can't wait for the new book to come out. My whole family is a big fan of DD. Go Vols!
Here's the video again. Enjoy.
Nicholas Simon writes:
Clay,
First off, love the writing but I have a serious playoff question. I am one of the 2% of fans who loves the BCS. I think the only possible change would be to allow a "plus one" if there is more than one undefeated team after the regular BCS bowls are over. If Utah beats Alabama or whoever they play, they should get a crack at the "number 1 BCS team".
But for all of the people who advocate a playoff and talk about "BCS meltdown" and unfairness, how would you make a playoff this year? Here are the options I have heard, and why they are just as bad as the BCS, while ruining the regular season
1. 6 Conf Champs plus 2 at large: So Cincinnati (maybe) and the ACC champ get into the playoff while you leave out all but two of Texas, Texas Tech, Flordia, Utah, Boise St, USC. (This assumes that Texas, Alabama and Oregon State win their conferences). The same problems about picking BCS teams will apply to the two at larges. Solves nothing. 2. Take the top 8 BCS teams. Now you run into the problem where a team that may not win its conference win the national championship. Also, what if Boise St. finishes at number 9? You think there wont be the same arguments about the 8/9 split as we do with the 2/3 split. Does USC deserve a shot at the playoff and Oregon State no? 3. Expand to 16 teams? Do we really want OSU, Georgia, Oklahoma State, etc having a shot at the National Championship. What if Georgia gets hot and wins it all, even though they got shellacked by Fla and Alabama this year?
I just do not see a playoff system that fixes the problems we have with the BCS system, and the playoff system would make the regular season less important. The SEC championship game is going to be awesome because of the BCS.
Sorry for going on so long, but thanks and keep up the great work.
Nick
Good email. Here's the deal, I'd favor a 16 team playoff. Or a 12 team playoff like we linked in last week's email from Jonathan Ganz. But I'd be happier with any of the above than the current system. First, griping about a team being left out would die pretty fast. Much faster than the griping over a team being left out now. And the bigger the playoff the less the griping would be. How long do people care about the 65th best team getting left out of the NCAA Tourney.
As for the "getting hot" element of the argument, I have no problem with that. First of all you have to be fairly consistent to make the playoff. We're talking about the smallest percentage of potential teams making the playoffs in modern sports today. At most 8% of college football would advance. So the regular season exists to knock out 113 teams from competition. That's pretty important.
Second, why does getting hot matter? It's not getting hot if you win the playoff, it's playing the best football. Would it change the champion? Maybe. But so does the NCAA Tournament. As for the conference championship arguments, I think what you'd see is that teams would play a tougher out of conference schedule to beef up their argument that they deserve an at-large even if they lose their conference. Plus, conference championships are a big deal in college football now because most fans know their team can't win a national championship. They'd still be important, but the bigger prize would take prime position. As well it should. Right now, with conference championship games, we're invalidating the season at times anyway. Why should a team get a chance to win a championship in one game when it didn't win it over 8 games? Situations like Alabama-Florida are very rare. More likely is when one team is clearly better, but has to beat a team with more losses to claim the championship.
Ergo, does it make sense to crown a "champion" of a conference when that team has more conference losses than the team they beat? What if the teams have split? My point, the conference championship game has already devalued the regular season of the conferences that have them. Much more so than a playoff would. So I'm not one of those guys who gets hung up on which team wins the "championship." It's helpful, but not dispositive.
I've revised and expanded the original boycott column. It's also my final post at Deadspin. I've had a good time there but I'm off to something new. What that is, I'm not 100% sure. Only, hopefully, Elin Grindemyr will be involved in some form or fashion.
Dixieland Delight Out of Stock at Amazon (Yes, I have them, yes, I'll sign them and mail them to you)
Do you want Dixieland Delight for Christmas? Have you emailed to let me know that Amazon is out of the book and says they won't ship for 3-5 weeks? If the answer to either of those questions is yes, here's my response, I do have some copies of Dixieland Delight sitting in two boxes in my office. My wife is on the warpath about me cleaning up my office because we have a bunch of houseguests coming for Christmas. So if I sell them this will make my wife happier. (She's informed me that I'm allowed to keep one copy of each of my books for posterity. Otherwise she believes this is too cocky. Seriously.)
So if you want autographed copies of Dixieland Delight, email me the name you want them made out to at clay.travis@gmail.com, give me a bona fide that a check will be in the mail (or electronic transfer the funds to me), and I'll sign them and mail them out to you in time for Christmas.
Hopefully this will be another vote for me in the "most accessible author on the planet" contest that will hopefully become a contest at some point in the future.
(By the way, if you look closely above, you'll see that the cover has been slightly altered. There's a fat Alabama fan as opposed to a skinny Alabama fan! This was to be the cover of Dixieland Delight until my editor got nervous that the fat guy would turn people off. So, in some sense, this is the Billy Ripkin curse word on the end of the bat version of Dixieland Delight.)
Boycott the BCS Advertisers Facebook Group Up and Rolling
Tony Smith writes:
C'lay, I love this. Why is it that a playoff system that everybody wants is denied? Money. I truly believe this could be a big idea. We have just enough time to get this going. And when I say "we," I mean you, because I am incredibly lazy. We need a mass email sent out sharing this brilliant idea, and then a follow up email listing all the companies that were advertised. These chain emails will be forwarded to everyone because who doesn't like sticking it to the man? I'm thinking a contract that each person can print out and sign, preferably with blood, stating they will not patronize the advertisers for a month. A couple of these emails make it to some reporters and then wham, we have press coverage. Letting the heads of the conferences make the decision is not working so this grass roots plan is what we need.
Viva la Revolucion! Ton'y
Some lawyers give back to the community by keeping indigent mothers from being kicked out of their homes in the winter. I fight to allow us to watch more important college football games. To that end, I've started another facebook group, Boycott the BCS Advertisers. But I can't do this thing alone. We need ideas, footsoldiers, you name it. I honestly think, like Tony, that this idea has pretty good traction. We'll see. Until then, like Che, I'm Cle'.
(My final post at Deadspin will go up today. Yep, after that I'm all yours. I'll link it shortly.)
In honor of the upcoming game with the Titans, a naked, bald fan dumps a cooler on himself and then breaks out the you can't see me hand sign. Is it the ClayNation version? As of now we can only dream.
Reader Eric Haag writes:
I'm sure you saw this on SportsCenter….but check out the salute at the :15 second mark!!!
Here are some random thoughts that came to me as I watched the UT-Marquette game.
1. Pulled pork nachos are available at the Sommet/Gaylord Center. They are just as good as they sound. Although I think pulled pork nachos are the new cigarettes. People look at you strangely when you carry them around, like they blame you for their insurance rates increasing.
2. Why were there no replays? After about five minutes I wished I'd watched this game at home. Other than the dunking display that the UT team put on (I love Bruce Pearl but when you get warm for a game by the guards dunking and Brian Williams shooting threes, I think you can argue this isn't that productive and might be one reason why the team has started slowly several times this season.) you couldn't see a replay of anything. When are on site events going to learn that HD in your living room is better than in person from the second deck? They better learn soon. They showed the live action on the screen but cut the replays. This made no sense.
3. What percentage of girls that Cameron Tatum and Tanner Wild get are totally related to basketball? It has to be 95%. The two guys are pictured next to each other in the handout before the game. Tatum looks vaguely like an alien and Tanner Wild (aside from having the greatest porno name in recent history) resembles your alcoholic gym teacher. I'm picturing him wearing sweat pants everywhere he goes on campus. In fact, I'm decreeing this to be true. Tanner Wild wears sweat pants and Cam Tatum is from Jupiter.
4. Wayne Chism plays basketball like I go out drinking. Either I get drunk or I don't drink. There is no medium to Wayne's basketball game either. Either he comes out and dominates or he gets two fouls in the first four minutes, sits on the bench the rest of the half, returns and gets two more fouls and ends up playing 12 minutes with 6 points and 4 rebounds. Admit it, when Chism got his third foul in the first eight minutes of the second half (he had none in the first half) you expected him to get called for the fourth on the next possession for setting a moving screen. I know I did. Yet he didn't and he dominated. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to gameplan for Wayne. Or to coach him.
And, by the way, if you're a Marquette fan how pissed are you that your under 6 foot guard fouled Wayne on a three-pointer as the shot clock expired? Will this happen again all season? The answer is no.
5. Why did so few Vandy fans bother to drive 1.5 extra miles to the downtown arena? If Vandy plays South Florida on campus over 10k people would show up. Based on looking at the crowd, maybe 800 Vandy fans showed up for the game at the Sommet Center. This is pathetic. Why do people in Nashville use parking as such an excuse? You can pay $10 and park anywhere in downtown Nashville.
6. Scotty Hopson will be at UT three years and potentially four years. Assuming he stays eligible. I'm thinking it might be time to take the radical step of retiring the Scotty Hopson shot from bars. Either that or remove the Kentucky Bourbon and just make it straight orange juice. Because there's nothing intoxicating about his game right now. He was 1-7 and got stuffed on a dunk attempt by a guy who was under 6 feet tall. Every pass he threw was weak, his three point shots were all off badly, at one point he made two inexplicable turnovers in less than ten seconds (the second he dribbled off his knee as he went for a lay-up.), and worst of all, he pouted when he didn't get the ball. Like the guy who was a decent player in elementary school always did after he missed two shots in a row. Scotty, no one else is making you suck, you're making yourself suck. Deal with it.
7. The refs killed the flow of UT-Marquette. In particular Tim Higgins, the white-haired ref. Not to be confused with Tim Riggins who is the badass from Friday Night Lights. To repeat Tim Higgins has never had sex with Lila Garrity.
Tardio pointed him out before the game. Then he googled him on his blackberry. Then he pointed to his blackberry and said, "Tim Fucking Higgins. I'm the man."
Yep, he talked trash about recognizing a basketball referee.
Anyway, Higgins was the culprit behind the majority of the 55 damn foul calls. If you're a ref and there's a time when eight consecutive possessions have ended with a foul call, wouldn't you potentially think that you might be the problem? Rather than the way the game is being played?
8. Would you rather live five less years or live in Wisconsin for the rest of your life? I'd rather live five less years. (Caveat: this is assuming I'm going to die old. If I'm going to die young I'll move to Wisconsin.) I love how Wisconsin fans always get credit for traveling so well to sporting events. That's because they hate their state in the winter. You would to. If people in Tehran had money they'd travel too.
9. Old guy with a UT blanket in the crowd. If you're an old guy and you bring a UT blanket to the game to get the crowd riled up while you dance in the aisles during commercial breaks, what do you do for a living?
Answer: you've just been laid off from your telecasting job at JP/LF/Raycom.
Imagine if you went to the game with your girlfriend and this was the first time you were meeting him and then he did this.
10. Marquette fan in a speedo. Similar thing here. The only thing worse than wearing a speedo in team colors is having to walk outside on the road in December after a loss while wearing a speedo in Marquette colors. How miserable must this guy have felt? Risk/reward here is really low. We see the risk. But what's the reward? If your team wins you still have to walk outside in a Marquette speedo.
11. Vertical challenge Brian Williams vs. a phone book. Who ya got? Has anyone ever been bigger than Williams and scored a greater percentage of his points by finesse lay-ups?
Also, if I were Bruce Pearl I'd assign one member of my coaching staff to walk around with one of those gladiator jousting sticks and nail Williams with it every time he lowers the basketball below his waist while he's less than three feet from the rim. He should never, and I repeat never, bring the ball below his waist. Williams blew at least three lay-ups because he came back down with the basketball.
Also, in case you've forgotten Brian Williams used to be fat, really fat. This fact has rapidly become the Mahelona being from Hawaii of SEC basketball details.
12. Do Hopson and Woolridge have rods in their back? Their backs are both incredibly straight. Like this kid I knew who had really bad scoliosis in high school and got a rod. Something's weird here. It's not just the way they stand it's that when they bend over their backs don't move either. They stay straight.
If they don't have rods both of these guys should teach pilates. (no homo)
A few weeks ago I said that during my time at CBS, the site elected not to run four or five columns for a variety of reasons. They felt, perhaps correctly, that this column would offend their advertisers. So they didn't run it. Now, here it is for the first time. This was written to run on December 31, 2008. It's time we take a stand as consumers against the BCS. Here's how.
Here’s one of my 2008 New Year’s Resolutions a couple of weeks early: I hereby resolve not to consume the products of any company that advertises during the BCS Games for the entire month of January. For purposes of this resolution consume is defined broadly. I’m not buying a car, a taco, a beer or insurance from the advertisers. I’d ask anyone who’s disgusted with the current state of college football in America to join me. Take a stand for one month to express your outrage over college football’s refusal to consider the wishes of their fans and institute a playoff.
We’re approaching 2008 and the dawn of yet another season of BCS controversy. Right now as you’re reading this column you’re probably trying to figure out how much alcohol is the optimum amount to consume without being too hung over to wake up in time to watch football all day tomorrow. Also, how early you can cut out of work without being noticed by your boss. Unfortunately I can’t offer much in the way of direction. Other than that if you don’t go to sleep you don’t have to worry about waking up at all. I’m thinking about this even more because my Vols kick off at 10 central in the Outback Bowl. If I were on the west coast, I seriously wouldn’t sleep.
After New Year’s you’ll have six days to gear up for the BCS Championship Game between LSU and Ohio State on January 7. There will be five BCS games in all and thanks to the continued allegiance of college football fans, all five of these games will garner high ratings. Last year’s Ohio State-Florida game brought in 27.7 million viewers. This year’s game will bring in a similar number of viewers. And these numbers are one of the reasons why Fox was willing to pay $320 million for four years of broadcast rights to the BCS (excluding ABC’s Rose Bowl agreement).
Posting viewership like this enabled Fox to sell almost all of the advertising spots for their games before the match-up was even announced. How much did those spots sell for? Try a reported $500,000 for the non-title games and up to $950,000 for the title game spots. So there’s huge advertising money out there to support these games. Why? Because even if fans don’t particularly like the way college football selects their national champion, they’re still going to tune in to watch the games. Particularly men ages 18-49 who are the most difficult to reach. Bingo, a flawed system still brings in a huge payoff.
That’s why calls for fan boycotts of the game have been so ineffective in the past. No matter how convoluted, communistic, or unfair the college football finale is, no fan will give up the chance to watch this game. College football fan outrage doesn’t trump college football fandom. Fair enough. I hate the BCS but you can bet I’m going to be sitting down and watching these games. So asking fans to boycott the games themselves either by not traveling to them or not watching them in person is a losing proposition.
But, here’s the deal, if we’ve learned anything in the modern landscape it’s that advertising determines whether or not programming continues. If a program isn’t doing well enough in the ratings it gets pulled, because advertisers want to reach viewers. This is pretty basic stuff. Clearly ratings aren’t going to be an issue for BCS games. But advertisers also want their products to be well-received. They don’t want to antagonize consumers by helping to promote causes, ideas, or beliefs that their consumers find offensive. Keep in mind it wasn’t a threatened boycott of listening to Don Imus’s radio show that was an issue after his controversial comments, it was one advertiser after another publicly announcing that they didn’t want to continue to be associated with his program and were consequently pulling their advertising dollars. Bang, Imus crumbled and his radio show (and its television simulcast) came to an end. At least for a while. You can agree or disagree with the decision to pull his show, but what you can’t dispute is that it was pressure from consumers against advertisers that brought about the show’s demise.
Now, there are tens of millions more people who watch college football than ever listened to Don Imus on the radio. Plus, these tens of millions of BCS haters spend billions and billions of dollars on the products advertised during BCS games. Even a small minority of consumers choosing to switch away from their usual product selections for a month will be felt by these companies.
That’s why I’m encouraging fans not to support all the advertisers who bought commercial spots for the BCS games. But even that’s not enough. Instead support their competitors, the companies who weren’t willing to help prop up an illegitimate way to crown a champion.
Who are these advertisers? Well, we don’t know them all yet. That’s because Fox and ABC (here’s a link to last year’s advertisers on the Rose Bowl http://montaraventures.com/blog/2007/01/02/ad-nauseum-analysis-of-the-rose-bowl/) don’t release the names of their advertisers prior to the games. The individual companies can announce, however, and after searching the internet I’ve been able to find only two thus far.
1. All-State- For the month of January don’t even consider All State as your insurance provider. If you already have All State consider switching next January to a company that doesn’t support the BCS. 2. Taco Bell- I eat at Taco Bowl three or four times a month already. I really like this place. But, they’re dead to me for the month of January.
As the bowl season continues we’ll go ahead and continue to update you on which companies have been helping to propagate the BCS. Our boycott roster will grow and hopefully so will the number of college football fans who are also agreeing to swear off their products. At least this way you can do something other than sit around and complain about the BCS while you’re drinking at the bar. From one college football fan to another, Happy New Year.
Bryant-Denny Adds the Fail Room For Visiting Locker Room
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
One of the things I noticed traveling with the team this year was how crappy most visiting locker rooms are. Many of them are no better than high school locker rooms. This surprised me considering the teams of the SEC bring in hundreds of millions of dollars a year in combined revenue. (For the record, Florida has the best visiting locker room in the SEC.) I'm even a bit surprised that the SEC doesn't mandate decent visiting locker rooms.
For the record the Rose Bowl visiting locker room is amazing. Truly amazing. But supposedly this was because they have to meet NFL standards. Anyway, this locker room talk brings me to a story about Alabama's Visiting Locker Room. It's now to be called the Fail Room.
The University of Alabama is set to honor Mobile native James M. Fail by placing his name on a prominent fixture at Bryant-Denny Stadium. A donation by Mr. Fail to the Crimson Tide Foundation will result in the visitors' locker room being officially named "The Fail Room."
Mr. Fail served three years in the U.S. Navy before graduating from UA in 1949 and beginning a successful and wide-ranging career in the financial sector.
Link courtesy of reader Sam Elrod:
C'lay, I wanted to be one of the dozens of people who would undoubtedly send you this story.
Coincidentally, the last team to dress out in The Fail Room was Auburn.
Auburn AD Jay Jacobs Responds to Turner Gill Criticism (ClayNation Style)
Dear Awbuhn,
It has come to my attention that many of you believe we didn't hire Turner Gill because he has a white wife. This is plainly not the case. I have a white wife, Tommy Tuberville has a white wife, even Tony Franklin has a white wife. All of us enjoy interracial pornography. Particularly when black men have sex with white women. So I'd just like you to know that I don't mind miscegnation. In fact, when I was 14, I lost my virginity to a quatroon in a New Orleans pool hall. So if you're casting racial stones in my direction be aware that I've had sex with a 1/8ths of a black person. So there.
Also, I feel it's time that we set the record straight. Turner Gill was not hired because of his white wife; rather he was not hired because Auburn has so much respect for black women. And we know that black women hate white women who are married to black men. We were trying to make it easy on Turner Gill's white wife! Can you imagine the animus she was going to feel from black women in this state? Where was she going to go to church. With the Muslims? LOL!
Auburn has a longstanding respect and a great history with black women. (By "longstanding respect" and "great history" let it be noted that I mean since 19 and 86). In fact, it was shortly after we founded the Bo Jackson Procreation Society in 1986--it hasn't been previously disclosed that we provide Bo Jackson with 4,303 women a year (his career rushing yardage!) to have sex with in the hopes that many of these offspring will be good running backs-- that I came to be very active in Auburn's chapter of Delta Sigma Theta. And let me tell you, those sistahs can party! Once they gave me a cranberry Mike's Hard Lemonade. To drink all by myself. Let me tell you, gollee, it was stronger than I expected! In the 8 minutes I spent partying with them it became clear to me that they felt I was an honorary black woman.
As I sat across from Turner Gill, I couldn't stop thinking about the time I had a cranberry Mike's Hard Lemonade with a black woman. And I kept thinking to myself, what would the black women of Alabama think if we hired a black man who had married a white woman? They'd be outraged. Justifiably so. And our alumni giving rate would plummet. Did you know that black women are responsible for $2,138 in annual donations to Auburn University? I bet you didn't. That's 2k per year. So I decided to confront Turner Gill about it. I said.
"Turner, my main cat, give me some dap, up high, down low, too slow. No more small talk, I'm going to give you the straight jive. What was your favorite scene in White Meat on Black Street 38?
"And he sort of looked at me sort of crazy like and I leaned across and I whispered, 'I'm concerned about ths sistahs. Once they gave me a cranberry Mike's Hard Lemondade. You dig?
He sort of shook his head and so I leaned over again and said, "I'm not so sure that the black women of Alabama are ready for a black football coach who married a white woman."
So there you have it. It wasn't racist to pick Gene Chizik. Hell, Gene Chizik is 1/48ths Cherokee. It was anti-anti- racist. Yep, double anti-racist. Which everyone in the state of Alabama knows a double anti-racist isn't racist at all. It's just plain fair. We were trying to protect black women in the great state of Alabama! There's been so much misinformation out there I thought I needed to speak and clear the air. So there you go.
Charles Barkley Rips Auburn for Chizik Hire: "I think race was the number one factor."
Monday, December 15, 2008
As the Auburn athletic department begins rooting for a Mike Price style stripper collapse for Chizik, Charles Barkley has ridiculed his alma mater's coaching hire. In his usual understated manner. What's more Barkley connects this hiring decision with Auburn's choice of Jeff Lebo over black coaches he considered more qualified. Telling Mark Schlabach of ESPN.com:
"I think race was the No. 1 factor," said Barkley, who played basketball for three seasons at Auburn during the early 1980s. "You can say it's not about race, but you can't compare the two resumes and say [Chizik] deserved the job. Out of all the coaches they interviewed, Chizik probably had the worst resume."
Ouch.
Those of who are regular listeners to the ClayNation radio show will know than Schlabach is a good guy who was our guest about a month ago. He's working on a book about Georgia football. (Hopefully one chapter will detail how Willie Martinez keeps his job every year.)
Barkley went on to acknowledge that he'd discussed the situation in Alabama with Turner Gill--who was nervous about moving to the state with a white wife. Then, in typical Barkley fashion, Sir Charles expanded his critique of Auburn to an indictment of the college football hiring process.
"My biggest problem with the black coaches is they're not getting jobs and they're getting [expletive] jobs when they are hired," Barkley said. "They're not getting good jobs. They're not getting jobs where they can be successful. That's why I wanted Turner to get the Auburn job. He could win consistently at Auburn. You can't win consistently at New Mexico. You can't win consistently at Kansas State. He could have won at Auburn."
There are currently 4 black head coaches in the 119 FBS schools. Quick math, carry the one, subtract, divide...yeah, that's just a bit less than the percentage of black players.
But what's the real issue here? The Auburn athletic department so bungled the football head-coaching position that a black guy from Buffalo who has no connection to the SEC has become your default top option. The irony is amazing.
As a couple of you have pointed out, my next book, On Rocky Top, is available for pre-order on Amazon Canada. Of course it isn't available on American Amazon or any other country's version of Amazon. So I have no idea how this happened. This is intimidating for several reasons, not least being that the book exists, as of yet, only in Microsoft Word on my laptop.
This is sort of informative for me because it suggests the cover price on my book will be 26.95 Canadian and will be discounted by a decent amount online. Not to mention that according to Amazon Canada my book will be released on July 22, 2009. All of these are things that I currently don't know.
Which leads me to this: tomorrow I'm announcing a ClayNation contest the winner will be thanked in the acknowledgments section of On Rocky Top. This value is literally priceless. Or worth nothing. You decide. I got the idea from my old law school professor, John Goldberg, who charity-auctioned off the right to name four friends and family in a tort example in his casebook. Which I still think is genius.
But it also serves as a collective thank you to all of y'all who have been reading and have kept me so entertained over the past several years. Plainly, I can't thank everyone. But I can thank one of you as a stand-in for everyone. Yep, you can be the Rosa Parks of the ClayNation readership. Except I already know all of you sat in the back of the bus.
How can you win? By nailing a humorous analogy. So consider this a head start for those of you clicking on the mailbag post even though there isn't a hot chick pictured and it's relatively late in the afternoon. Tomorrow I'll make the contest official with another hot picture of Elin Grindemyr.
During the Auburn-UT game I spent a decent amount of time contemplating my life. And why I've been so cursed this season. One of the things my friend Rogers Rowder (an Auburn fan who was featured in Dixieland Delight and will be featured again in On Rocky Top) and I discussed was the band. In particular both of us thought the band was better schooled in their performance than either of our offenses were. You'll recall that halftime arrived shortly after Arian Foster fumbled in the end zone and Auburn recovered for a touchdown. I couldn't stop contemplating this.
Leaving me with this thought, what's the band equivalent of fumbling a handoff in your own end zone and giving up a touchdown? Analogize to your heart's content. Although, to be fair, I need a crafty yet funny sentence as opposed to a paragraph. But I don't want to constrain your brilliance so I'll say no more. Email me your analogy at clay.travis@gmail.com. Get cracking.
It's up now at Deadspin. Enjoy. Or cry. Both are completely acceptable emotional responses to this hire. At what point during this coaching search do you think Auburn's AD just put his face in his hands and started to cry? If you're an Alabama writer you might as well just go ahead and affix "embattled" to the front of Genze Chizik's name.
Don't you know Tuberville is laughing somewhere? Rubbing the brylcream into his hair while he cashes the $5.1 million dollar check from Auburn. Meanwhile, Jay Jacobs is starting to feel like the girl who thinks she's much better looking than she actually is. One week before prom when all she's got going for her is the offer from the co-captain of the chess squad.
Put more plainly, going into the SEC season I thought Auburn had the best coach in teh conference in Tommy Tuberville. Now, after all the hiring and firing, I think Auburn has the worst.
Somehow it feels even better today because we're not Auburn. Honestly, Auburn fans, wouldn't you be more excited about Monte as your head coach? Granted he's old and looks even older than he actually is, but this is pretty exciting, right? I've got quite a few Florida friends who are also Bucs fans and swear by Monte. Good ole Monte was on the Nebraska Cornhusker team back in 1959. He's been a head coach at N.C. State, assistant head coach at Arkansas, and he's coached at 6 of the 32 NFL teams in the past 25 years. Oh, and he was born before Pearl Harbor. Putting that into even better context, he's older than my old pal Verne Lundquist/Benjamin Franklin.
My only concern? Can he make his defense simple enough that our team can grasp it with just 20 hours of on-field time a week? Otherwise Monte is golden. If only so we can count the number of Monte puns (three card, the full) that Verne will break out in 2009. Gotta be at least five a game. All followed by the VC (Verne chortle).
Occasionally we get a five-star email that provides such depth of knowledge and complexity that it's capable of inspiring us all. This is such an occasion.
Troy writes:
Clay,
On my way to a law firm Christmas party (read: my bonus) I ran into Charles Barkley, who apparently uses the time between the pregame and halftime shows on TBS to head on over to the bar and grab a drink or 4. No that i blame him - Kenny would make me head for the liquor as well. At any rate, hoping to catch him on TV the other night I flipped over to TBS only to see that Amare Stoudemire is now "Amar'e." I think the apostrophe has now grown so popular that it is infiltrating previously apostrophe-less names. Tuesday you will wake up and be named C'lay, father to F'ox. My question is do you think Amare reads your column and thinks he can steal your thunder by taking the apostrophe mainstream?
Also - why is it that SEC kickers seem to be burdened with ambiguous names? Could this be a nature/nurture situation, whereby a son named Blair is more likely to be a kicker than, say, a DB? perhaps if he were named B'lair we'd be touting him for the Jim Thorpe award. My examples:
First, the Amar'e thing blew me away as well. Wednesday night I was out playing trivia at a bar (I know, I know) after Counsel on Call's Holiday party when both Tardio and I noticed that Amare had suddenly become Amar'e. I have no idea how this happened. Is he paying tribute to Mike D'antoni's departure? Trying to pay tribute to the departed Mike D'antoni? Making it clear that he's of a different generation than Shaq? Or is this a Phoenix thing?
Honestly, I'm baffled by the entire process. I just don't know how you suddenly add an apostrophe to your own name. Especially not after you've been in the league for seven complete seasons. So I went looking for the answer on my old buddy wikipedia. It's in the first paragraph of his bio.
Stoudemire's first name had previously been listed in the Phoenix Suns media guide as "Amaré" or "Amare", but it was changed to "Amar'e" in October 2008. Stoudemire told NBA.com that his name had always been spelled "Amar'e", but the media had been spelling it incorrectly since he joined the NBA.
Yes, of course that's the reason--the media messed up. For seven years. I'm calling bullshit. How many times have you let the "media" make an error like this for seven years? Especially when it all it takes to fix the error is you saying something.
Here's Amare allegedly nee Amar'e on the mistake.
Q: First you change your jersey number from No. 32 to No. 1, now you change your name from Amare to Amaré to Amar'e. What gives?
A: There is no name change, that's how my name as always been spelled. It just hasn't been spelled that way, for some reason, for my whole career. I don't know why. That's been wrong since I was a rookie. For the past seven years all you guys have been spelling my name wrong.
Do you notice how he answers this question, his name has changed three times, yet he says it's always been the same! Three times, by his own choosing. I can't believe this isn't getting more attention. Pretend you're working in a law firm, one of your co-lawyers storms into the office and complains because "all you guys" have been spelling his or her name wrong on the firm website. The same name that, you know, he or she provided to you when you hired him. Wouldn't this be incredibly weird? Then, as if that weren't enough, they came back later and changed the spelling a third time and complained again that "all you guys" have been spelling his or her name incorrectly. This demands further investigation.
As for the kicker names, that's a great point. I have two hypotheses: 1. mothers who are inclined to name their boys with unisex names are most fond of soccer (I actually this is completely true but impossible to confirm.) Put it this way, how many kids named Morgan, Leigh or Blair are playing basketball on inner city teams? IF this hypothesis is true, then all these kids who grow up playing soccer have an advantage by the time they get to high school and a kicker is needed.
Alternatively, it could have something to do with crusty football coaches being of a different generation and self-selecting based on name. Don't you think these coaches are secretly opposed to any boy with a name like Morgan, Leigh or Blair? Because they automatically assume that the parents of these kids are going to be the biggest whiners? It's one thing to lose, but another thing entirely to lose with a team helmed by a guy named Leigh. This is definitely worth keeping an eye on--kickers with androgynous names. Perfect.
Thank you for reminding me that SEC schools are still capable of completely bungling a coaching search and hiring the likes of Gene Chizik. I honestly thought we had passed those times.
More on this later. Until then, enjoy the above video. (Tip of the beaver pelt to reader Tim for sending me the above link.)
Last night Eric Berry got screwed out of the Thorpe Award. Which left me wondering how his stats compared to Charles Woodson's stats from 1997--aka the year that Peyton Manning got screwed by ESPN. Let's check out the numbers.
In 1997 Woodson had 8 interceptions that he returned for a grand total of 7 yards (with no touchdowns), 47 tackles, 5 tackles for a loss and 1 sack. On offense and special teams he had 12 receptions for 238 yards and two touchdowns, and 36 punt returns (for an average of 8.1 yards) with 1 returned for a touchdown. Here are the stats for your own perusal.
In 2008 Eric Berry had 72 tackles, 8.5 of those were tackles for a loss, 3 were sacks. He had 7 interceptions which he returned for a total of 265 yards, and two of those interceptions were returned for touchdowns. On offense Berry rushed 7 times for 37 yards and had 1 catch for 3 yards. He returned no punts and just one kickoff. Here are Berry's stats.
So comparing these two performances, Woodson had one more total touchdown than Berry, one more interception, and returned punts--one of which went for a touchdown. Berry finished with 25 more tackles, 3.5 more tackles for a loss, 2 more sacks, and, most significantly 258 more return yards on those interceptions. So even if you add in the receiving yardage that Woodson had in 2007 (238 total yards), Berry still outgained Woodson by 20 yards simply by returning his picks. Plus, and this may or may not be key, Berry is a sophomore and Woodson was a junior in these respective seasons.
Now, the only real distinguishing factor is the punt returns. Woodson returned 36 for an average of 8.1 yards with a single touchdown. Which, to be honest, is not that impressive. Don't believe me? Gerald Jones averaged 10.0 yards per punt return for the Vols this year. Do we really believe that if Berry had returned 36 punts he would have done any worse than Woodson? I don't.
So statistically these two seasons are a wash. Berry was every bit the player in 2008that Woodson was in 1997. Michigan fans may argue that Woodson's team was better, and this is indisputable, Michigan won the co-national title in 1997. But was Michigan's defense actually better? Because otherwise you're rewarding Woodson for Michigan's offense of which he had but limited participation. Tennessee's defense finished ranked 4th in the nation in total defense. Where was Michigan in 1997? I can't find it online. But even if Michigan had the best defense in the country the fungible difference between 1 and 4 is inconsequential.
Conclusion: Charles Woodson's 1997 season was no better than Eric Berry's 2008 season.
So at the very least Berry was invited to New York for the ceremony, right?
Don't feel so bad that Peyton Manning never won the Heisman. According to SI.com, Charles Woodson is the #3 ranked Heisman winner of the last 20 years. But as a Florida fan, I haven't figured out how Tim Tebow's first Heisman finished as a lowly #4. Where would his next 2 rank?
Next post coming, comparing Eric Berry this year to Charles Woodson the year he won the Heisman. But first I'm going to burn all my wife's Michigan gear.
Beaver Pelt Trader of the Week: All That and a Bag of Mail
Our beaver pelt trader of the week award goes to y'all, the All That and a Bag of Mail readers. For managing to get the Layla Kiffin sign of the apocalypse in this week's Sports Illustrated. For those of you who no longer read print publications (which I know is a lot of you), this was the sign: "One hour after Lane Kiffin was introduced as Tennessee's new football coach, 'Lane Kiffin's wife' was the most-searched term on Google. SI fact checked this through me and the evidence I provided them was a reader email. So there you go, you're all bright and shining stars. On to the mailbag.
Charles writes:
Check out the 'bama bangs in this picture.
Being FROM Alabama and sporting the 'do personally (I'm pretty sure I was born with the bangs), I don't usually notice them. Well, I was getting ready for tomorrow's Criminal Law exam by browsing pictures of hot girls I don't know on facebook when I came across this gem, which just happens to be a picture of all dudes. I swear it was the hot girls I was after. This was collateral.
Warning: take it in slowly, you don't want to hurt yourself.
Location: Auburn University, Alabama
This picture is extraordinary. Note how the 'Bama Bang crew has all boxed out the guy with short hair looming in the background. Seriously though, wouldn't it occur to you at some point that if all guys have the same haircut you look like tools? The thing that's most shocking to me about this haircut, and there are many, is that women haven't self-selected the guys without 'Bama Bangs. Nope, they love the bangs. I think the 'Bama Bangs look even more ridiculous with a jacket and tie. Because, think about it, most guys look pretty similar in a suit. Other than height (which you can't control) and weight (which you can't change very quickly), hair is about the only thing that guys can do to look different. And yet, even still, every guy has chosen to go with the same haircut.
Sarah Hall posted on my facebook wall saying there was a sign at the SEC Championship held by a Florida fan that said, "Alabama, the only state defined by a single haircut."
As for the facebook hot-girl browsing, what percentage would facebook's page views decline by if girls knew how many times guys they didn't know looked at their pictures? Wouldn't you love to know those numbers? Like, what's the most number of profile visits one guy has visited a girl's profile without her having any clue who he is? It's got to be astronomical, right? Wouldn't this be great to know?
Jonathan Ganz writes:
2008 NCAA Playoff--So Easy How about this: 12-team playoff 6 BCS conference champs (ACC, SEC, Big 12, Big 10, Pac-10, Big East) 6 at-large teams Selection committee seeds teams and selects at-large teams, just like hoops Top 4 teams earn byes Total of 11 games -- split between ESPN/ABC and Fox... total TV rights expected to be over $300/yr vs. $125M/yr in the new ESPN contract This is actually so simple that it is painful. All you would have to do is replace the BCS with the playoffs, and leave as many of the other bowls in place as you want. Based on this year, you might only have 1 non-BCS bowl affected, and you can easily fix that.
See below for bracket. How about this: 12-team playoff 6 BCS conference champs (ACC, SEC, Big 12, Big 10, Pac-10, Big East) 6 at-large teams Selection committee seeds teams and selects at-large teams, just like hoops Top 4 teams earn byes Total of 11 games -- split between ESPN/ABC and Fox... total TV rights expected to be over $300/yr vs. $125M/yr in the new ESPN contract This is actually so simple that it is painful. All you would have to do is replace the BCS with the playoffs, and leave as many of the other bowls in place as you want. Based on this year, you might only have 1 non-BCS bowl affected, and you can easily fix that.
See below for bracket. See attached for full story.
Playoff Schedule: 13-Dec 20-Dec 1-Jan
10Virginia Tech 7Penn State Fiesta Bowl 3Texas
11Cincinnati Sugar Bowl 6Utah
Cotton Bowl 2Florida
5Alabama National championship Game Jan. 8 12Ohio State Orange Bowl 4USC
8Boise State Rose Bowl 9Texas Tech Peach Bowl 1Oklahoma
You know what my dream job is right now? BCS ridiculer. I wish some rich oil guy in Texas who hates the BCS would pay me to devise schemes to ridicule the BCS. That's it. All I'd do all day every day. I'd devote my life to this.
How awesome is the above playoff scheme? I love rewarding the top four teams with byes (so that the people who argue the regular season doesn't matter would be sated), I love the dates (everything is still over by January 8!), and the key is working the bowls in so that those greedy ante-diluvian bastards will keep their mouths shut. They'd get more money this way. The lower tier bowl games could still be played. The same number of people would care what happened in them. (Their fans and ESPN.) Plus, are you telling me that these games wouldn't sell out in a heartbeat?
The graphic didn't come out as well as the initial email, but I hope you an see it all.
To reiterate to rich men out there, I'm available for rent to destroy the BCS. I'll lobby against it, work legal angles, you name it, and I'd be happy to devote my every working hour to ridiculing it to the high heavens. Contact me.
Also, just to kiss up Jonathan Ganz also attached this photo of two Gators fans getting ready for the big game.
This picture speaks ten billion words.
Chris Skinner from Ole Miss Law School writes:
Hey Clay...
Thought you'd like to hear that there is a growing contingent of 1Ls here at the University of Mississippi Law School who are all growing "Rally Beards" for our first round of law school finals. It started with just a few guys, but today I ran into two older 1Ls who obviously had been growing their Samson-esque manes since Thanksgiving. I'm counting more and more every day. Please pray for us bearded ones now and in the moment of our testing.
BGID
If you really want to test the power of the beard, you should cut off a few sprigs of facial hair and drop them in your exam booklet. If a woman is grading you're bound to get an A, if a man is grading, you'll go up at least a grade level. Of course this is more difficult if, like me, you're taking the exam on a computer using that crappy ExamSoft software. There's nothing worse in law school than trying to save your exam on a computer while somebody counts down the minutes until you have to get your exam in. Once, I got marked late for this because I was in the back row and I didn't sprint down to the front. I was ten seconds late. This has to be one of the dumbest law school rules.
Funny story on the computer error, one of my buddies who appeared in Dixieland Delight had a computer malfunction while taking the exam. Anyway, he took it to the Vandy Law tech guru, an Asian guy with a ponytail who rode his bike to school. The two of them hunkered down over his computer to retrieve the exam. Which led to this memorable conversation.
Asian ponytail: "What's this file, 'close-up pink.'"
Friend: "That's not it."
Asian ponytail: "You sure?"
Friend: "That's a porno movie."
I guess what I'm saying is, hopefully the beard will keep the porn on your computer from getting mixed up with the exams on your computer. Godspeed, and nice decision.
More mailbag later. Lara had a snow day (it's sunny and 40 in Nashville) so we're taking Fox to go sit on Santa's lap at Green Hills Mall.
Meanwhile...Muschamp to Auburn? Auburn Athletic Department= The South Winning the Civil War
Thursday, December 11, 2008
At least one Mobile television station is reporting this to be the truth. Which, of course, means nothing. I went on JOX radio in Birmingham this Monday (as I always do, Lance and Ian have one of the best shows in the South) and said Auburn's athletic department was exactly what the South woudl have been like if we'd won the Civil War. A bunch of really rich guys who all think they call the shots just randomly contacting coaches and running wild.
Anyway, Fox10 TV in Mobile is reporting that Auburn might announce Muschamp as early as tomorrow (Friday). If that happens we'll finally see one of these crappy coach-in-waiting gigs blow up. Contractually they mean nothing. Particularly for the coach who wants to leave. Is a Georgia guy about to take over for Auburn? Time will tell. If so, this makes the third consecutive coach in a row to be hired who is still in his 30's. The youth movement of the SEC is on. But given how the Auburn athletic department is run, if I were an Auburn fan I wouldn't be doing cartwheels just yet.
Dave Clawson To Be Named Head Coach at Bowling Green
In a move that proves that the offense he put on the field at Tennessee was not the offense he was renowned for at Richmond, Dave Clawson is going to become the next head coach at Bowling Green. Clawson is a fascinating guy and I'm looking forward to meeting with him soon for a post-season analysis for the book. Hopefully we'll find out what happened with the offense this year.
In the meantime I'd be lying if I said I expected him to get a head coaching job after this season at UT. I can't wait to see what Bowling Green looks like on offense next year. Yeah, MAC football, catch it. And to see if it looks anything like what Tennessee did this year. Which I suspect it won't.
Is available here. Apparently some of Wall Street's unemployed are sticking their toe into the facial hair market. At least to enough of a degree to draw the attention of the Wall Street Journal. Here's the article. It's worth reading if for no other reason than to find our new public enemy number one, some lady named Kelly Lynn Anders--the anti-BGID. Also, because you'll see how we got into the financial mess we got into on Wall Street, how can you trust someone to manage your money if they aren't man enough to grow a beard? Anyway, back to Kelly Lynn Anders.
Kelly Lynn Anders, associate dean at the Washburn University School of Law in Topeka, Kansas, and author of a new advice book called "The Organized Lawyer," tells students to avoid facial hair entirely. As the term "clean-shaven" implies, "people find it cleaner," she says.
That's brilliant Kelly Lynn, brilliant. Conversely, I would advise people not to go to Washburn University School of Law in Topeka, Kansas if they want to find jobs when they graduate. Also, I'm fairly confident that "The Organized Lawyer" is the number one advice book for people you and I would hate.
But I'm toying with a new theory, beard plus baby is like kittens mixed with free shoes for women. See, the above picture of Fox and me at the Thomas Wolfe home.
Collins clearly has a deep understanding of the human condition. For instance, "He arrived at his first writing session with Hill and Lawson armed with the idea "It's not hard to be happy," which evolved into the song 'It's Not Hard to Be Happy When I'm Looking at You.'" Collins says he's convinced his newest idea, "Don't worry be happy," is going to be gold, pure gold. But it's not all happy.
Although his personal life is now as solid as this season's 12-1 record, he mines those dark days to find creative inspiration. For instance, the song "I Don't Need the Whiskey Anymore," about a man who trades his alcohol addiction for an addiction to a woman, contains his favorite line that he's written: "I still get intoxicated but my head ain't quite as sore."
Tip of the beaver pelt to reader Chris Canada who sent this to me last night with the following email:
Clay,
Ok, first of all, this got me through a long day today, and you're welcome. Secondly, as a graduating University of Florida student (second time, both in Gainesville), it pains me to think this came from real Gator fans. Third, there's a link to buy the song on the left hand side. (On that note, I wonder how many people have bought this).
C'pher Canada
There are roughly a billion things I love about this video, but my favorite? The gloves without fingers. Somehow this detail is perfect.
He said the bill — being co-sponsored by Reps. Bobby Rush, an Illinois Democrat, and Michael McCaul, a Texas Republican — "will prohibit the marketing, promotion, and advertising of a postseason game as a 'national championship' football game, unless it is the result of a playoff system. Violations of the prohibition will be treated as violations of the Federal Trade Commission Act as an unfair or deceptive act or practice.''
And just in case you think this is an example of partisan politics from a Texas grad who is angry that Texas got screwed, well, Barton is a Texas A&M grad. Texas getting screwed was probably the only good thing that happened to A&M this year. Also, Joe Barton does not believe in global warming. But that's neither here nor there. Go get 'em Joe.
And can someone please ask soon-to-be President Obama whether he'd sign it? Also, why hasn't there been any article about George W. Bush's reaction to Texas getting spurned. Isn't this the final kick in the eye for him? Everyone in the country hates him, he has the lowest approval rating in Presidential history, most people have forgot he exists, and now his adopted team of Texas (remember he used to work out in the Longhorn gym with the likes of Ricky Williams) gets screwed. Tough.
Meet Your ClayNation Apostrophe Ranking (CAR) Judges Part Two
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
As you've no doubt noted, I'm out and about today. At, of all places, a CLE. Once you leave a law firm CLE's cease to be excuses for your firm to pay you not to work and become tremendous wastes of time. God, they're horrible. I'm actually on the verge of starting a company that would specialize in putting on entertaining CLE's. You'd think such a lucrative market would actually lead to fairly entertaining presentations. You'd be wrong. It's honestly amazing how bad most of these are. They aren't even as entertaining as law school classes.
By the way, the above picture is from me dropping the puck at the UT Alumni Hockey Game in Knoxville. I figured it tied in well with yesterday's Mississippi State ice hockey fight.
Anyway, here are three more CAR voters being introduced. Enjoy.
Ward writes:
I would like to throw my name in the hat for apostrophe voting privileges. As for my case I present the following: (1) I introduced Ja’Larry Byrd to the world. (2) I am a long time reader on the net and the book. (3) I am a fellow attorney and any research on this subject would present excellent billing opportunities. Hell this email is a .2 “Draft correspondence to opposing counsel concerning status of case”. (4) I am an Alabama fan and if not awarded voting privileges, would therefore be forced to sick Nick Saban and the Process on you. (5) I am however originally from Chattanooga, a town in which you have family in, so that has to count for something. This also means I am well versed in the knowledge of Tennessee football. (6) I am a tax attorney, so please give me something to look forward to on a daily basis. (8) I actually was able to get my wife to become a fan of the site, simply by showing her your thoughts on Fox and his 1st Halloween costume. (7) I will petition LexisNexis to begin a directory, much like Martindale Hubble, of people with apostrophe names.
I anxiously await your response.
Odds that the CAR voter resumes are more impressive than the Harris Poll voter resumes? 100%. Honestly. It's altogether possible that the CAR is going to have a higher average IQ than either the Senate or the House of Representatives. I'm not sure what this means, but it makes me giddy with anticipation.
Charles writes:
Clay,
Not only am I the owner of the first ClayNation hand signal (as indicated in my signed copy of your book), I am a forward thinker.
My discussion at lunch today delved into a new proposed marriage between names and punctuation markings.
Most notably, I pioneered "&drew." Different from the traditional "Andrew," and intriguing. It could be read as "Andrew" and "Ampersandrew" alike, equally interesting. This deserves recognition.
I'm so blown away by the brilliance of &drew that I want to have another son and convince my mother-in-law this is our plan for his name. And that the reason we've chosen this name is to acknowledge how important the word "and" has been to me as the opening to sentences. It's altogether possible &drew is the most brilliant proposed or actual name I've seen in months. (And that includes Le-a....okay, maybe not.)
By the way can you imagine being &drew and studying abroad in China? Would you ever be able to get your name typed. What about on the Blackberry? You could never sign your emails and no one would ever be able to reference you in an email. There could be a whole movie about this.
Sayward writes:
Please find attached a PDF copy of the honor roll list in my most recent newspaper (the Bolivar Commercial). I scanned it because; well you can read the names. I realize that none of the names contain apostrophes, but, trust me this is a rarity. I only wish I could wait for the Christmas edition. The point is that these are the types of names I read on a regular basis and usually there are apostrophes galore. I am hoping that this and the fact that I am a girl who reads the bog pretty regularly will qualify me to be a judge in the apostrophe rankings. I am also a lawyer, don’t know if that is a plus or not. My particular favorite on the attached list is Untariyounsha Davis. I mean really some of these kids are going to be twenty and unable to spell their names. I have also, previously, written in to correct your grammar.
The Bolivar honor roll list, sadly, did not upload using the blogger software. I can't tell you how crushing this is. But, rest assured, that your diligence in scanning a local newspaper is just the kind of contribution we're looking for. Ja'Larryspeed, Sayward, Ja'Larryspeed.
By the way, our Yahoo College Bowl Pick'em is approaching 100 members. Or at least I'm assuming it is since last night that was the case. The first games have to be picked by December 20th. Sign up here.
Alabama Fan Cowboy Returns To Wax Eloquent on Florida Game
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
From Thomas Meert:
C'lay,
I was watching alabama fan Cowboy's new video and I noticed he called Tim Tebow a "damn some kind of old star horn dog-er". Is this considered an insult or a compliment in SEC country?
I've spent most of my life wishing someone would call me damn some kind of old star horn dog-er but I don't think it's ever going to happen. Alack. Such is life.
To answer your question, plumbing the mind of a great wit like Cowboy is bound to be a mystery. I think he started this intending it to be an insult ("damn some kind of old") but then Tebow used his Jedi mind tricks to make him conclude with a compliment ("star horn dog-er.") But one will never know for certain.
I've gotten a few emails from people suggesting I set up a contest. Most of these people are doubtless lawyers who just want another website to check while they're trying to spend more time "working" on their discovery responses. I'm not sure what the prize will be, but--like most suggestions from lawyers with ample free time in front of their computers--it makes sense. So if you want to pick the college football games against me and other ClayNation readers, go here.
All you need to do is add in our Group ID # which is 31485
You can leave the password field blank.
Go ahead and join. Elin Grindemyr dares you not to.
"He ought to win another Heisman just like Archie Griffin, And someday he'll have a wife just as hot as Lane Kiffin,"
Do you think Mike Shula even watches Tim Tebow games anymore? Imagine how much different the world is if Tebow chooses Alabama over Florida. Shula probably doesn't get fired. Saban never comes to Alabama. Urban Meyer has yet to win an SEC title. Phil Fulmer is still employed. Truly, the world as we know it is a different and strange place already thanks to Tebow's arrival at Florida.
But the real loser here is Mike Shula. Can you imagine what he thinks every time Tebow comes on television?
Meet Your ClayNation Apostrophe Ranking (CAR) Judges
My apologies for being slow on getting these up. First came Thanksgiving and then came...hell, I don't know what the excuses are. But here are the email winners that will make apostrophe history by becoming voters in the inaugural CAR poll. Each of them knows the solemn task they've received. Much like the above image in Galaga, once we're all united as double alien fighter pilots we can't be stopped.
While I'm disappointed that no Asian women sent me topless photos in an attempt to sway my governing principles, I was impressed with the passion of your emails. And one guy sent me a nipple shot. So, you know, that's a victory...or a terrible defeat. I'm not sure which. I'm rolling out three today, three tomorrow, and three the next day.
Here goes with today's voters.
Mindy writes:
Hi Clay- You have been asking for women to volunteer to be the voter for the ClayNation Apostrophe Ranking Poll. I don't want your poll to be without a female perspective. So, I'll go ahead and submit my request for voting privileges. I'd love to be a voter! For your sake, I was hoping that Elin Grindemyr would answer your request, but she doesn't seem to want to participate.
My qualifications? I'm not sure exactly, but I think I could remain the objective voter that your readers would appreciate.
Unfortunately, I'm not Asian, or we could kill 2 birds with 1 stone. So, one minority will have to do.
For all the women, M'indy
Someday Elin Grindemyr is going to email me. I just know it. Otherwise my taking lessons in Swedish is never going to pay off. And when that day comes, and I titter sweet Swedish words in Elin's ear, you'll are here about it. Until then, Mindy will be our CAR stand-in for Elin.
Hunter Roberts writes:
Okay, so I've made the mailbag a couple of times. That's been pretty cool. I put you onto to Casey Dick's ridiculous engagement site. I grew a beard for the Beardout against Alabama. I loved it so much (and the way it makes me feel invincible), I kept it. My dad's name is the spelling of a punctuation mark (Dash).
I know you asked for women and Short Rounds, but I know several asian women and promise to consult them regularly when or if needed.
I won't go so far to say "I need this," but my football team seems to be teetering on the brink of dissolution, the non-conference basketball schedule is only impressive when 1 -Bruce Pearl speaks or 2 - Kentucky loses. So do I need this? No.
Would it be bad ass to be a part of it? No question.
I'm going to be honest, when Hunter answer the question, "So do I need this?" with "No," I almost hurled my laptop out the window. Only past reader email saved him. But he survived. And like the NCAA Tournament, being selected as a CAR voter is all about surviving and advancing.
Jason Pollack writes:
I think I am an ideal candidate for being a judge for your apostrophe poll. First having a BA in English can't hurt. I am well versed in your apostrophe articles and have been a fan ever since. While I will admit I do not do the research to find new candidates like some of the existing judges just by writing this email I have done more that Tardio right? Since I have not done the research I also don't have a clouded mind of existing apostrophe names and can bring an equilibrium to the poll itself. Keep up the good work.
What I liked about Jason's email was how straightforward it was. Like a lesson in textbook high school excuse notes after you left school for lunch break when you werne't supposed to go and got caught. Thesis. Thesis defense. Honest self-acknowledgement of a flaw, criticism of Tardio, more honesty, and close with flattery. This is like a roadmap to an A on a law school exam graded by me.
Thanks to reader Sayward. Now, the real question about this story is whether the reporter is Forrest Gump. This guy is horrible. At no point does his tone or inflection ever change. And it appears that reading the cue cards is challenging for him. Also, what do you think the Loyola guys said to get the brawl rolling? My guess is a well-placed meterological insult set the ice hockey guys off.
I've always been pretty up front about my interest in Vegas lines on games. So it should come as no surprise to you that when I get an email from the fine guys at BetOnline.com laying out their odds on a hypothetical 8 team college football playoff, I bring it to you forthwith. To slobber over.
SEC Championship Edition: All That and a Bag of Mail; Beaver Pelt Trader of the Week
Friday, December 5, 2008
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Tennessee basketball player Tyler Smith who recorded the first triple-double in UT basketball history on Wednesday night against UNC-Asheville. (But you don't care about that, you're watching the Coach O. Hummer commercial over and over again.)
On to all that and a bag of mail:
Alan writes:
Clay, no dodging with some lame cliche about how you hope the building explodes, who ya got in the SEC Championship Game, Alabama or Florida?
Death.
Merciful death.
I've been thinking about this a ton, far too often actually, and I've come to this conclusion, I have to support Alabama. Here's why.
1. Pan-Southernism dictates that all SEC fans root for the Southern team against Oklahoma.
2. SEC fandom dictates rooting for SEC schools even if you hate the SEC school.
3. But how do you choose between your two most-hated rivals in the SEC Championship game.
Here's my dilemma, I think Florida is more likely to win the BCS Title than Alabama is. But I think Alabama winnning the BCS Title makes the SEC look better--three consecutive championships by three different schools adds more validity to the SEC strength argument. Really, three consecutive titles by three different SEC schools is something that might not be equalled by any other conference in our lifetime. Plus, we'd have a chance to go for four in a row with Florida next year when Tim Tebow inevitably returned after crying himself silly on the football field.
The downside to this, as a Vol, is that losing the SEC title would probably make Tebow return. Win another SEC title and another national title and I think Tebow leaves.
Which means that the SEC East (minus Stafford and Knowshon who should leave) would be relatively wide open as early as next season. But I'd prefer Alabama to win because I think it's better in the long run for the conference.
Having said that I think Florida will score more than 30 points (as they have in every game save Miami all season) and I don't think Alabama can match them. So as a thinking man I'd take Florida even giving 10 points. But as an SEC fan who supports the dictates of Pan-Southernism, I think I'm obligated to pull for Alabama.
I can't tell you how painful watching this game is going to be. At least I don't have to be there in person.
David Haney writes:
Dear Clay, The assembly of the UT's coaching staff reminds me of the US automaker bail out. Ogeron = Chrysler., Callahan = GM and Kiffen = Ford. Also, do you think the phrase, "Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen" or "Too Many Chiefs - Not Enough Indians" will be used in articles pertaining to the Tennessee Volunteers Football next year?
We are going to have the largest collection of failed coaches that has ever existed. Which is just awesome. Hopefully if all this collapses we can have a hearing and I can be the Sen. Chris Dodd of the hearing and lean over and demand to know how all three men got to the hearing. If the answer is anything other than, "Coach O. drove us in his Hummer," I'm going to be sorely disappointed.
And, just for your enjoyment, here is the Coach O. Hummer commercial that will be coming to Knoxville soon. Again. Just so you don't have to scroll back up to the top of the screen.
My favorite part about this commercial is the bass differential between Jojo and Coach O. Coach O. is just this side of James Earl Jones and Jojo sounds like Mickey Mouse.
(Also, and this completely unrelated, but Fox just dropped a ball and a box through the bars on the second floor stairway. He does this all the time now. Which is great. But what's even better is that Lara is already tired of me encouraging him to throw things down the stairs. Two days ago, she said this, "It's not just that you're encouraging him, it's that you still like to watch balls roll down the stairs too.")
Just to reiterate, make a bad joke about sloppy seconds like Sean Avery and you're suspended by the NHL commissioner. Write a song about ejaculating on a woman's back and having the sheet stick to her (superman that 'ho) and you're an official sponsor of the SEC Championship Game and the league embraces all player celebrations featuring the Superman. Got it. I'm glad sports leagues are so consistent in the policing of their language.
By the way, was anyone else shocked that the term sloppy seconds was considered extremely offensive to women? I can think of about five billion terms that are more offensive to women than sloppy seconds. (Yeah, this is a sound endorsement of me, I know.) Sloppy seconds wouldn't even cause me to bat an eye. Nor would it the average man or woman on earth. Is this just further evidence of the false standard we hold public statements to now. I.e. if you speak publicly you can never sound like what you actually sound like in real life? I think so.
Because the NHL has suspended him for this. Yep, his comments were so damning that the league office had to step in. The same league office that plays Soulja Boy at games. The lesson here: use lingo that old white men and old white fans don't have any idea what it means and you can say whatever you want. Use a phrase like sloppy seconds? You're done.
Even still, I think most people have no idea what sloppy seconds are. This reminds me of my dad explaining why the nappy headed hos comment by Imus didn't offend him. He thought it was street slang for calling them lesbians. Honest to God.
Andy Middleton writes:
C'lay,
First, how excited are you of the possibility of Coach Orgeron making a Hummer commercial for the Knoxville dealership? This should be the first thing he does once he gets there.
Second, props on the hotness of your new coach's wife. Think about it...if she is the water girl for the team (a la Kathryn Richt), imagine how hydrated all the players will stay. No cramps...ever.
Good call by Nikki. She's avoiding harassment, and she'll be one of the hottest girls at the school. If she went to an SEC school, she'd be average.
Nikki Meyer is going to feature in the sexual fantasies of every Georgia Tech male. Every single one. And probably half of the women. Because everyone will know her as THE hot girl at Georgia Tech. This brings me to a question that I used to worry about, what would happen if you ended up married to a head coach's daughter and that head coach was the head coach of your rival?
I don't know why I used to worry about this given how low the odds were, but I was terrified this would happen to me when I went off to college and law school.
For instance, say you're a UT fan and you end up with Nikki Meyer, can you really stay a UT fan for the rest of your life? At least a pure UT fan. And by pure I mean radiating hate for the Florida Gators from every pore of your being. See, I don't think so. Assuming that your father-in-law wasn't the devil, you'd eventually start to like he and his family and root for them to win. If, for no other season, than that you'd want your wife to be happy and willing to have sex with you after football games. Plus, you'd probably get to travel to the big games, have great seats, meet only the nicest fans, you see where I'm going here. Eventually, you'd crack. All of us would.
Which brings me to my second question, what would it be like to be married to someone whose dad is far more accomplished in his chosen profession than you'll ever be in yours? God, that would suck.
Wade writes:
Heard you denigrating the fine writers of the Maryville Times (The Daily Times, actually) on your show tonight. I, as a Maryville native, rely almost solely on the Daily Times for my sports information. I practically hang on to every word that is printed on its glorious pages. Seriously, how can you downplay the importance of a newspaper that has Haywood Harris as a regular contributor? (That Haywood part is actually quite cool. I'll admit I'm a sucker for Haywood and Gus). Your comments just further prove that your gay. Man, I've waited a long time for you to say something that would give me the excuse to say your gay.
One of the things I'm having to learn is that as soon as I make fun of anyone or anything now, I get an email. Even if it's in jest. I've never read the Maryville Daily Times, but I made fun of it somehow on my radio show. I'm sorry. That was a cheap shot. I should have denigrated a larger paper with more defenders. Someone closer to my own size. Let's shift criticism gears and reapply my cheap shot to the Nashville Tennessean--the worst newspaper for a major American city in the history of the free republic. Whenever people complain about newspapers dying they should have to read the Tennessean, and the Tennessean alone, for a month in a row.
Also, I'm patiently awaiting your comments on Lane Kiffin telling our only current shot at a quarterback thanks but no thanks. I'm thinking that we might have a mad scientist on our hands here.
BGID
Carl
From the link above about Bill Richardson's beard.
"I'm going to answer this question about the beard," said Obama, when Richardson was asked where the facial hair went. "I think it was a mistake for him to get rid of it. I thought that whole Western, rugged look was really working for him.
"For some reason, maybe because it was scratchy when he kissed his wife, he was forced to get rid of it.," Obama continued as his nominee for commerce secretary smiled broadly. "But we're deeply disappointed with the loss of the beard."
Now if only Obama would grow a beard. The stock market would rebound, the big three would survive, Iran would stop pursuing nuclear weapons, and Kim Jong-Il would die. I've attached a photo here. Can any ladies honestly say Richardson looks better sans beard?
Didn't think so. Speaking of sloppy seconds, Richardson's chin looks like an 80 year old's clam at the end of a gangbang. (I'm sorry, sorry.)
Granted, I would much rather have all our lineman sporting the beard, but this has to be an advantage for Alabama. I will also admit Florida has the Messiah playing under center, but for Alabama the sum is greater then the individual parts. That sum would be:
-3 out of 5 offensive linemen are BGID -The unstoppable force of John Parker Wilson and Cory Reamer’s bama bangs. (this will come as a shock, I know, but both went to Hoover High) -The power of the apostrophe in Dont'a Hightower, one of our starting linebackers
Seriously, is there any way to stop us? I didn’t think so either.
From the article:
"I was the first one to do that," said guard Mike Johnson, who sports a full one. "I was the first one to do the beard. Then Drew (Davis) came and 'Dre (Smith) came. Marlon (Davis) stays clean-shaven. You'll have to ask them about it. It's been my thing since I've been here."
It's no surprise that Marlon Davis doesn't do the beard thing, since he considers himself the best-looking linemen.
There's your answer, right there. Marlon Davis won't grow a beard because he thinks he's the best looking. He's going to a miss an early block because he's too busy making sure his cuticles are properly positioned.
I'm not sure if it's dumber to have this rule in the first place, or to barter timeouts to get around it.
-JB
I wrote about this on Deadspin today and we talked about it on the radio show Tuesday. It's unbelievable to me that the NCAA has a rule about this. Even more amazing is that the penalty is written out. The NCAA rulebook, unlike the common law, is rooted in Napoleonic justice. That's the only explanation.
Further question, why do visiting teams in college football wear white, while the favored/home team in the NCAA basketball tournament wears white?
Wall Street Journal: What the Rise of Southern Football Says About America
Lots of you have sent along the link to a good article from the Wall Street Journal about the rise of SEC football. Thanks for the link and it's a very enjoyable article here. Especially the opening sentence. "College football has been conquered, in nearly every respect, by the Deep South." Amen.
The only thing I wish is that the article had been longer and more in-depth. So if anyone is reading this right now, works at a major publication, and is thinking the same thing. I'm your guy.
I know I've taken some shots at Miss. State in the past. Be that for their weather forecssting status or even, in Dixieland Delight, questioning whether anyone had ever graduated from the school. But if they pull off the hire of Chris Petersen from Boise State, tremendous congrats to them.
I think you can make a very strong argument that if Leach goes to Auburn (although rumors are that Auburn might try and steal away Nutt from Ole Miss) and Petersen goes to Miss. State, that both of those schools have made a better hire than UT did. Certainly based on those coaches collegiate records.
A few months ago I started writing about how I never understood why Petersen wasn't seriously considered for more vacancies than he was. If this is true, then the toughest job in the SEC just lassoed a guy who has gone 35-3 in his past three seasons as head coach.
Also if Petersen goes to Miss. State it's officially time to contemplate pulling the SEC from outside of NCAA competition. It's about to get too difficult to argue that anyone should go 9-0 or even 8-1 in conference (including the SEC Championship Game). As my friend Weatherholt is fond of saying, "You used to be able to rely on schools to screw up with their hires, but now you can't." Look around the league. Which coach can you point to and accuse of ruining a clown program?
Yeah, I thought so.
As the money in the SEC has grown the amount of failed coaching hires is dwindling. Congrats to Mississippi State if they pull of Petersen. I wouldn't have believed it, but according to this link it's true.
My lookahead for the college football weekend to come
Is now up and running on deadspin. In general I don't believe conference championships should exist. Secondly, they definitely shouldn't exist if only half of the conferences play them.
Mailbag forthcoming later. Included will be my rationale for how I decided who to root for in Alabama-Florida. (Note: merciful death was not an option.)
Signs Lane Kiffin Might Be Crazy: Take One (for reject Tajh Boyd)
Thursday, December 4, 2008
I thought something happened to Layla Kiffin judging by the number of emails I got about Lane Kiffin pulling Tajh Boyd's scholarship offer. (Look, don't email me after this post and say that Kiffin didn't pull the offer, he did. When you call up one of the top five quarterback recruits in the country, who has already committed to your school, and express concern that he might not fit that well in your system, you're giving him the kiss of death.) Raising the very real question: has Lane Kiffin watched UT's quarterbacks play this year? Does he really know what he's getting himself into?
Look, far be it for me to claim to be an expert in how offenses work. As I've said before, having seen the offensive system from the inside, we're all pretty clueless about the particulars behind play-calling. (As much as you'd like to think your play call of "throw it deep" or "run the ball more" hasn't been considered in the four billion hours of film study, you're wrong.)
But, even still, as one who watched our offense up close last year, how could anyone tell a potential quarterback that they don't fit? Especially one as widely acclaimed as Tajh Boyd. Who does fit our quarerback position right now. All it requires is a well-timed interception mixed with passes thrown at the blimp hovering above the stadium and a rifle shot pass into the ground. Nothing very hard about that. Evidently Tajh Boyd couldn't meet these rigorous standards.
Stephon Marbury Embraces Economic Downturn...Buys Jet For $40 Million
Anyone following the ongoing saga of Stephon Marbury knows that this is one dysfunctional dude. Even other guys in the NBA think Marbury has problems. He's spent this season cashing checks while relegated to the end of the Knicks bench. Now he's awaiting delivery of his own private jet. Makes sense. Who among us hasn't thought about riding out the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression by purchasing a gas-guzzling aircraft that diminishes in value by 70% upon arrival and then parking it in an airplane hangar?
STEPHON Marbury, the unwanted Knicks guard, is going ahead with buying a $40 million private jet, as Page Six first reported back in August. Although Marbury has yet to play this season, and the Knicks brass can't find any other team willing to take on his $21 million salary, the untradeable Coney Island native is awaiting delivery of the aircraft, according to the buzz at SoHo's Salt restaurant. "He already paid a large deposit in the multimillions and has no plans to try to cancel the order," said one source. Since the top NBA teams have their own jets, and the less-flush teams travel by charter, it's a mystery why Marbury would buy his own plane - unless he expects his future teammates to dislike him as much as the Knick players do and he feels the need to travel solo.
My favorite Marbury story? Among many. When he refused to audition for Spike Lee's He Got Game unless Lee guaranteed him or Kevin Garnett the lead role. Then Ray Allen got the role and proceeded to do the worst job acting ever. Allen got shown up by his 8 year old sister. Watching he and Denzel in some scenes was like watching me try to tackle Chris Johnson in the open field.
What are the odds Marbury ends up living on the jet and this becomes the most expensive double-wide in American history? High, my friends, very high.
I thought this was a great "making it rain" shot of my friend and his girlfriend.. He's a former BGID, but apparently the beard factor stays in you for a few days after it is shaved of, potentially disproving the Sampson theory, which, of course, claims all powers are lost at the moment the beard is shaved off.
Remember how I said we were going to have fun with pictures occasionally? Great photos like this make it work. Okay, here's the first picture in our contest. Dissect the picture, bill your clients for "researh involving statute of limitations issues as it pertains to factual patterns," and email me your story featuring the people in this picture. Best one will be featured. Here's my quick read. One of you (or more) can do better:
On first glance this appears to be a relatively straightforward, guy makes it rain on his girlfriend during the middle of a poker game. Happens all the time. No big deal. Just like all the poker games I've ever been to, this girl will shortly be placed in the center of the table as a wager for a night's fun. Her boyfriend will lose and everyone will laugh, she'll invite all her friends over, and this will turn into a big orgy. Partners will be swapped, multiple orifices penetrated, blah blah blah. We've all been there, done that. Typical poker game.
At least that's what I thought upon first gazing into this photo. (On Chapman's Homer, anyone?) No big deal.
But then, lo and behold, the world was revealed to me. There's a mysterious second rainmaker!
The grassy knoll make it rainer in this photo is almost invisible. You have to look closely, he's in the left corner of the photo. Based on the angle of the shot it would appear that this mysterious hidden rainer (a lone dark cloud on an otherwise sunny day that inexplicably opens up a deluge?) appears to be dropping blue and white poker chips. What's he trying to do by starting a competing rainstorm? I'll tell you, sweep the young lass in question off her feet. Yep, we've got a bona fide rainmaking triangle.
Meanwhile the girl in question (henceforth "rainee") appears to be sitting with a large metal bucket in her lap. Either Gainesville, Florida college students still use slop buckets to dispose of their feces Deadwood-style (by opening the window and tossing the refuse into the street) or she was expecting the rainstorm and is attempting to catch some of the rain so the clean-up is easier. As much as I'd like for the former to be true, I'm inclined to adopt the latter. Rainee also appears to be holding her own money tightly in her hand while drinking white wine from a glass made for giants. Rainee's pretending to be cool with the rainstorm now, but later on in the night, when she rolls her ankle on a stack of blue and white poker chips in her inevitable heels, (Rainee's currently wearing flip-flops but has brought heels in her purse in case they go out later), her ire will be provoked. This ire will be directed at the current boyfriend because he instigated the rainstorm. At this point in time, the grassy knoll rainmaker will sweep in on the boyfriend (suddenly realizing much to his chagrin that the BGID-power is waning)'s girl and will say something like, "I love the law, that's why I want to go to law school."
Buoyed by the brilliance of this repartee, rainee will be tempted to make the switch. Sorely tempted. But then the guy in the far background of the picture will suddenly look up from his 19th consecutive season of NCAA 09 without stopping (I'm totally about to unlock the Tim Tebow locker room nude scene, dude.)Stare at the rainmaking love triangle. Think, "Wait, there are girls in our apartment. I wonder what color panties they are wearing--I hope they don't match mine. That would be so awkward later tonight when they pass out from drinking our giant glasses of wine."
And yell out, "Show your titties."
Current boyfriend will say, "Damnit Johnny why can't you keep your mouth shut?"
Rainee will stand, curse, and leave. Roommates will drink. Later grassy knoll roommate will console Johnny. "You never know when a girl's going to take it as a compliment when you ask her to show her tits. Sometimes they just take it wrong."
LSU Fan Puts Les Miles's Unused Timeouts On Craig's List
Does anyone else feel like the Les Miles-LSU relationship is going to spend the next few years rapidly unraveling? Like one of those marriages between a crazy nypho and the virgin. Everything's all swell until you show up Old School style for the gangbang. From a national championship to 3-5 in the SEC. Now LSU fans are offering up his unused second-half timeouts on Craig's List.
I have 3 perfectly good, new in box, never used 2nd half LSU football timeouts for sale. These timeouts are leftover from the 2008 LSU/Arkansas game.
Most coaches use these timeouts to regroup their defense. They could also be used to help their offense try to gain 25 yards to avoid a 63 yard field goal attempt into the wind (I think it was uphill too). Not our coach though, he'd rather put the leading scorer in LSU football history in a position to fail. In the words of Dan Fouts - "A 63 yard field goal into a swirling, gusting wind? Good luck Colt David!"
Be the envy of the holiday shopping season. Tired of your wife dragging you from store to store? "Timeout - tired husband". Confused about the decision between that new plasma and lcd flat screen TV? Take a timeout, regroup, think about it.
These timeouts can be used for any reason or no good reason at all. Go ahead and use them - last I checked THEY ARE FREE!
Fine print - I reserve the right to give these timeouts back to LSU if it is discoverd that Les Miles was indeed saving them for the Liberty Bowl.
Remember where you heard it, in years to come the idea that Les Miles ever won a national championship will seem more amazing than the fact that prior to Columbus people believed the earth was flat.
(Tip of the beaver pelt to reader Thomas Pate for the link.)
Tennessee's bold move to replace a coach who was 100 games over .500 with a coach who is ten games under .500 pales in comparison to Auburn sending Tuberville to the showers. He's been at Auburn since 1999--running up a record of 85-40. For ten years, Tuberville finished 1st or 2nd in the SEC West 7 times. The years he didn't? This year, his first year, and 2003 when he came in 3rd. Included in this mark was a 13-0 season in, wait for it, 2004. Yep, in the space of a month the past two coaches to run through the SEC like a knife in hot butter--without a single loss--have been axed. Meanwhile, prior to this year, Tuberville had beaten Alabama six times in a row. Raise your hand if you think Auburn's going to find a coach to do this again in your lifetime. Yeah, thought so.
Tuberville accomplished all of this despite using Bryl-creem on his hair, wearing his pants up to just below his nipples, and having ears that appeared capable of flight at any moment.
Now becomes the parlor game of who will Auburn hire? I'm terrified it will be Mike Leach. In fact, if I were a gambling man, I'd put all the money in the center of the table and let it ride on Mike Leach. Or I'd advise Bobby Lowder and crew to do what I advised Mike Hamilton to do, pull up a dump truck in Lubbuck and keep pouring out cash until Leach says yes.
Thinking about this it makes complete sense. Auburn and Tuberville went for the shock and awe approach in hiring Tommy Franklin to try and drive off the wild animal magnetism of Nick Saban (his ugly wife notwithstanding). That failed. Meaning Auburn still needs to make a splash to make up for their fan base being upset over Saban's rise and to try and entice recruits to come down to middle-of-nowhere Alabama (and for the record I really like Auburn's campus). Meaning...
It's going to be Leach.
I just know it. Fuck me. I'm going to be crying with every other Volunteer fan when Leach comes into Neyland and hangs 50 on us next year. The only thing worse than not getting the guy you want for your head coaching job is when a rival gets him and you have to still see him all the time. This is just like season 3 of Dawson's Creek when Dawson and Pacey were dueling for Joey. Only instead of competing for Joey, Tennessee inexplicably turned away and started dating Joey's infant brother instead. Nice move.
First there was www.fireronzook.com. Then no coach could be hired without a similar site springing up. Then came the ironic coach support websites like keepmikeshula.com and keepalgroh.com. Both were run by rivals of Alabama and Virginia. Now comes the latest in new coaches being hired, iwoulddolaylakiffin.com. My post on this is up on Deadspin.
Would I do this? Of course not. I'm a married man. Pointing out that another woman is hot is as far as I'll go. But I have to wonder, where do new coach websites go from here?
ClayNation Radio Tonight at 7 on Nashville's 104.5
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Listen live here. Should be an exciting show. My co-host Chad Withrow and I will talk with the guy behind the Rivals USC site. He has a good knowledge of Lane Kiffin. In addition we'll talk about my theory regarding good recruiters, Alabama-Florida in the SEC Championship Game, the BCS and dive deeply into whether Kiffin is the right guy for the job. Oh and we may mention Layla Kiffin and Elin Grindemyr. Just maybe.
I got a lot of emails about Lane Kiffin. Okay. What I want you to do. Okay. Is read these emails. Okay. Because I think you're going to find them really illuminating. Okay. Then we're going to win some games. Okay.
Seriously, Kiffin's excessive use of the word okay after every sentence is already the new heck. Okay.
Ben writes:
Clay, no joke, yesterday afternoon just after the press conference Layla Kiffin was number 3 on google trends most searched items. Number one? Lane Kiffin's wife. I feel like you bear some responsibility for this. Golf clap.
Also, another way to explain it would be point out that all men are perverts. But that would be uncouth. And for all of the women reading this (believe it or not there are quite a few) your husband had nothing to do with that google surge. I promise.
Lindsay writes:
Personally, I'm a big fan of Lane Kiss-him myself!
Lane Kiss-him? That sounds nothing like Kiffin. Are we pretending that words rhyme even when they really don't now? If that's the case can we extend this further and pretend that Clay and Gay don't rhyme any more? Just to erase some rough times in third grade? Thanks.
As for Lane Kiss-him, my wife came home today and was talking about how hot he is. I don't really see it because he still looks like he's 12 to me. (Go ahead and insert your pederast joke now you sick bastards). Now, if he had a beard (as several of you have suggested) there'd be no stopping his offense.
But, anyway, based on the way women are reacting to Lane it's possible Lane and Layla are the hottest coach-wife combo in the history of collegiate athletics.
Jim writes (this came in early on Thanksgiving morning):
Attached is a picture of Lane Kiffin's wife and children (solid). Also included is his dog: "Lobo." Amy (my wife) read your blog and decided that we needed to see a picture of Coach Kiffin's wife. Do you think that Coach Kiffin understands what kind of hysteria he is entering in the SEC? I am a grown man with a solid job and I just googled a potential head coach's wife at 6:30 AM on Thanksgiving. That is a problem. I hope that Coach Kiffin is up to the challenge. Nevertheless, I am fired up. I think that there are some real opportunities with this hire. If you should put this in "All that and a bag of mail," please change my name for protection. I am embarrassed that I googled another man's wife.
Do you think that's an actual wolf? Like maybe when Lane Kiffin accepted the job at Oakland he was afraid of what might come from Raider fans and got a trained wolf. Otherwise why name a dog that looks like a wolf the spanish word for wolf? Isn't this sort of demeaning. (I realize this is ironic for me to say given I named my son Fox.) But now I'm starting to wonder whether Lobo might be the baddest-ass name you could ever give a kid. Imagine if Brian Urlacher's first name was Lobo instead of Brian. You meet him, you extend hand and he says, "Yeah, Lobo Urlacher." Wouldn't you just turn to stone when he shook your hand? I think so.
I'm going to name my next dog Jesus, but pronounce it Hey-sus.
I'm also wondering whether there are any wives good enough looking to be Layla Kiffin's friend in Knoxville. Like, who is she going to go to the mall with? Who will be willing to walk around next to her? Everyone else will look like her maid.
Finding hot married friends was easy enough in California where every married woman still looks and dresses like she's 24, but are there enough women like this in Knoxville? I'm picturing a Mean Girls-esque fight where Layla Kiffin flips out standing at the entrance to Victoria's Secret and starts throwing all the size 0 and 2 panties at her size 4 and 6 shopping mates while screaming, "You don't deserve to shop for panties with me, fattie."
But maybe this is just me.
Josh Arnold writes:
It's probably worth mentioning that Monte Kiffin is one of the originators of the Tampa 2. Being only slightly different from standard Cover 2 zone coverage, the Tampa 2 is distinct in that the teams that use it run it almost exclusively. I think there have been two major downfalls of Chavis' defenses over the years: mental breakdowns and linebackers playing zone coverage. While running only one defense must simplify things for the defensive players, I can only hope that Monte and the new linebackers coach are excellent teachers of the zone-coverage technique. This is, of course, assuming we don't stray from the Tampa 2 coverage; however, it seems that in order to be attractive to the best cornerbacks, the defense will have to run some man coverages (since experience with both zone and man is presumably more attractive to NFL scouts).
Cheers,
Josh
Is this actual football talk in the mailbag?
I don't have any doubts about Monte's x's and o's skills but what I'm a bit concerned about is UT's defense is already a 9 on the proverbial 1-10 scale. We finished fourth in the country this year on defense. How much better can we really get? And, having said that, with a new system in place doesn't it sleep likely that it will take a while to get the kinks ironed out? Particularly since Monte is used to having grown men around him all day as opposed to college kids with limited practice hours. So can he get everything installed in time for a new season? And if it is installed will we be able to correctly execute it?
I'm hopeful the answer is yes, but I'm just not sure how much better our defense can be.
Jacob Johnson writes:
C'l-ay,
I just wanted to get your opinion on John Chavis. The always reliable rumor mill is that he may be coming down to Baton Rouge in place of the disaster created by Miles and his co-dc's.
Thanks for any insight.
I know I've had some fun with Chavis. Branding him John Bell Hood Chavis or John Bell Chavis at times. But I really think LSU would be crazy not to hire him. I've been talking with some of my Georgia friends lately and telling them the one hire they could make that would really scare me would be replacing Martinez with Chavis. Martinez had two weeks to prepare for Georgia Tech and still let them run for 400 yards against his defense. Put plainly, Martinez is not a top-caliber coordinator. Chavis is.
So I'd say if LSU can get him, you should thank your lucky stars and start saluting him on the sideline.
Brian Parker writes:
You may have read this as it's making the rounds of the UT message boards, but if not, it is definitely a must read. It's about Ed Orgeron's first meeting with his Ole Miss team. Enjoy.
--------------------------------
I read this story about coach Orgeron on the Ole Miss Spirit and thought some of you might like it. Apparently, Coach Orgeron called his first team meeting the other day. I was told that in about a 15 minute period, he cussed and yelled more than most men do in their entire lives.
He came in to the locker room to his new team and stood there staring at his team. He started to talk in his strong Cajun accent and immediately began yelling at his new team that this 4-7 s**t isn't going to cut it. He talked about how the last game he coached was the national championship and screamed that it was a g*d d**n embarassment to win anything less than 10 games.
He went on yelling about how he recruited Leinart and Bush and that that he didn't come to Ole Miss to have a g*d d**n losing seasons or even to go to this bull s**t Cotton Bowl and get g*d d**n thirteenth place. Thirteenth place is bull s**t and he came here to win. He said that his team was going to play defense and hit hard. G*d d****t his team was going to play with g*d d***n passion and they were going to whip some a***s.
He then passed a box around the room and said he wanted every g*d d**n earring in the room in the box. He isn't going to have any f*****g p***y girls on his team and wanted every piece of bull s**t earring in that box right now. With the team stunned faced with about as opposite a person as one could have to Cutcliffe, Coach O started to walk towards the door. He looked back at the team as they passed around the box and said, "I'm going to walk out of here right now, and when I come back in here, I'm going to have my shirt off, and I want everyone of you motherf*****s to have your shirts off too."
He walked out and everyone, confused, started taking their shirts off. Sure enough, O walked back in, bigger than alot of the guys on the team, without his shirt on. He started yelling and telling the team that they needed to get loud. He said, "When I point to this side of the room, I want you to say 'Ole Miss.' When I point to this side, I want you to say, 'Wild Boys.'" Standing there with no shirt on with every guy in the room shirtless, started pointing to each side of the room.
Half the team would yell, "Ole Miss" while the other would yell "Wild Boys." Apparently it got pretty crazy and guys started flipping chairs, yelling, and throwing cooler across the room while chanting Ole Miss... Wild Boys. He then stopped and said, "One more thing. If any of you motherf*****s thinks you can take me, you come up here and get a piece of me right now." He gave everyone an opportunity to come up and fight him and said, "That's what I thought," and walked out of the room. In another story, Lane was out passing with another player, and Coach O apparently ran up to him, tackled him, stripped the ball, and took off running down the field. Hilarious."
Coach O and Knoxville: A match made in heaven. How awesome would it be to have been at this meeting with the Ole Miss team? I know a few of their current players and I can't imagine them not dying laughing over the very idea.
People have already emailed asking me to write a book about Lane Kiffin, Coach O, Monte Kiffin and whoever else they bring in. The humor would be off the charts.
Big Head writes:
Greatest press conference I've ever seen. Kiffin freaked everyone out and dumped a shithouse on the Raiders. The media in the room got all awkward and Kiffin plowed into everyone. No status quo answers from him. The guy could be the next Mike Ditka.
I'm not the hugest UT/SEC fan, but I'm a little giddy to have him here. I think I'm developing a man-crush...fuck. Maybe the hot wife will throw a couple of Smirnoffs down on the river and we'll see some goodies.
After that last sentence, I've got to excuse myself now. But first, someone pointed out that with Kiffin, Monte, and Orgeron, we might set the record for interviews without subjects and verbs being used. I kind of like that.
Layla Kiffin? Florida Gator Alum? A ClayNation House Divided
Ever wonder what it's like when two worlds collide? Such may be the case with Layla Kiffin and Florida Gator girls and their bingo wings. I've been inundated by emails all suggesting that Layla Kiffin is a Florida graduate. But I've yet to see that proven anywhere. So I'm holding out hope that a ClayNation house isn't divided against itself. In the meantime above is a picture of Shelley Meyer consoling Urban Meyer over his absent chin. According to many Shelley Meyer was the previous hottest SEC coach's wife. Now she's second... at best. Thanks to Layla Kiffin dunking on her from the free-throw line while excuting a 360 at the press conference yesterday.
Josh writes:
Clay,
No mention of Layla Kiffin being the daughter of former Florida QB and assistant coach John Reaves? Don’t you think it’s important for your readers to know that the newly-crowned “Hottest Coaching Wife in America” is the daughter of a guy who played for one of Tennessee’s most hated rivals? Heck, Mrs. Kiffin may even be a UF grad herself; I haven’t yet seen anything factual that would contradict this theory.
Go ahead and admit it … after all your cracks about Little Debbie snack cakes and flabby arms, you would feel emasculated to find out that your new coach’s hot wife is actually a Gator. You would have nightmares that after 4 years of beatings by Florida, Urban Meyer (whose wife, Shelley, is now a solid second in the pecking order of hottest SEC coaching wives and whose daughter, Nikki, is an SEC message board sensation)
(Urban) will steal Layla away and start a sweaty “twosome” with her on the sidelines during the 4th quarter of next year’s UF-UT game .. and then have John Brantley throw deep to extend the Gators’ lead to 6 touchdowns.
And then, sigh, an even stronger allegation that Layla is a Gator grad.
Adam Zink writes:
Clay,
Enjoy your writing and columns. Good stuff.
Anyhow, I understand that Layla Kiffin is John Reeves' (ex UF quarterback) daughter. She is supposedly from Gainesville and graduated from UF.
You probably already knew that. But figured it was worth mentioning since you have a certain place for UF gals in your heart.
Regardless, enjoy the week...and Go Gators.
The only possible exception I've got here is the tri-delt exception. Namely, if Layla Kiffin was a tri-delt at Florida she's been exempted from the bingo wing allegation. That's because the tri-delts at Florida are so hot it's a shame to impugn them with the bingo wing allegation. (Also, because we stayed at one of the tri-delt off campus houses in 2006 when I was writing Dixieland Delight.) So, I'm throwing it to y'all. Is Layla a Gator spawn and a Gator grad. A, shudder, double Gator?
ClayNation Hypothesis: Good Football Recruiters Have Hot Wives
Monday, December 1, 2008
In the wake of the Lane Kiffin's success locking down Layla Kiffin (say what you will about Lane but, to his lasting credit, he outkicked his coverage by about thirty yards), it's time for a ClayNation hypothesis: The better the football recruiter the hotter his wife.
Now, as a general rule athletes have better looking wives. But it's my position that the better the recruiter someone on staff is, the better looking his wife will be in comparison to the other college coaches on staff who aren't as good of recruiters.
Why? A few points to consider. First, recruiting, much like dating, is all about maximizing your advantages. Don't have an indoor practice facility for the on-campus visit? Take them by the cafeteria when you know the Kappa Kappa Gammas are gathered to eat. Plus you have to be able to talk. And keep talking. Except when you need to be silent and contemplative.
But, and this is perhaps the most key, you have to be willing to go after the five-star recruits. The knockouts on campus or at the bar. They're not afraid to lose--they have zero fear of rejection. The worst a top recruit can do is choose not to come to your school. The worst a hot girl can do is choose not to sleep with you. Either way, aren't you in the same place that you were in before? Yep.
Right now I know I've just boggled your mind. It's okay, I'm pretty baffled by how good of a theory this is too. In theory all you'd have to do to figure out who is going to win recruiting battles every year is just have the wives show up for a dinner party. Maybe we'll do this for the book release of On Rocky Top. Put it this way, ff someone marries Elin Grindemyr, they should be recruiting for your team.
Here's my take on Kiffin from Deadspin. I thought the press conference went well and that Kiffin, while clearly nervous, did a good job fielding questions and giving a sense that he understands some of what makes Tennessee football such a national draw. The best case scenerio is that in five years Tennessee has become the de facto cool destination in the country--a national program that poaches from the rest of the nation. I think Kiffin could make this happen with the right breaks early in big games. Like anyone else, he needs to win.
But can he beat Florida? And what is this offense actually going to look like? I feel like, to a certain degree, we still have no idea. Yeah, if you have LenDale White and Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart in the backfield your team is going to score some points. But what are we going to do with our skill-position players next year? Our defense seems sound (with the addition of Monte) but I'm still concerned about how we're going to score.
Finally, and I'm not even sure if this is permissible, but is Layla Kiffin the hottest 8 month pregnant woman on the face of the earth? I think so. It's possible, even while 8 months pregant, that she's already better looking than any woman who has ever lived in the state of Ohio. When I started the facebook group I thought she was hot, but after the press conference I'm starting to think she may so hot it makes everyone a little bit uncomfortable.
Even by BCS logic, it's pretty strained to vote in a team that lost to their competitor head-to-head at a neutral site. Welcome, sigh, to BCS logic version 10.0. I've written about it here for Deadspin. Enjoy. Or Don't. In which case I'll hate you forever.
Travis has become enamored of several objects, phrases or events which he frequenly references in the column. Among the most frequent:
'Bama Bangs - a term coined by Travis to refer to southern men's hairstyles that feature prominent bangs for no apparent reason. Brodie Croyle and John Parker Wilson are oft-cited violators of 'Bama Bangs rules.
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When Clay Travis, acclaimed author of Dixieland Delight, decided to spend the 2008 season up close and personal with UT football, he—and every other college football aficionado—thought he was in for a rollicking ride with one of the leading contenders for the national title. After all, when the Vols kicked off the season on September 1, the defending SEC East champions were ranked 18th in the country. As head coach Phillip Fulmer prepared for the game, he reflected upon a coaching career that included an astounding 147 victories, two SEC championships, and a national title. With 34 years at UT under his belt as both a player and coach, the Tennessee native had just signed a contract extension that projected to keep him at the university long enough to become the winningest coach in program history.
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There is no college ball more passionate and competitive than football in the Southeastern Conference, where seven of the twelve schools boast stadiums bigger than any in the NFL and 6.5 million fans hit the road every year to hoot and holler their teams to victory.
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The newly favored man is not really a man at all, but a hairless, effeminate, germ-fearing, non-meat-eating, exfoliating, wristband-wearing woman of the worst order. We as men are told that we must embrace the sacred feminine in ourselves, even if it doesn't actually exist, and become the very quintessence of woman, plus penises. This situation is untenable. This trend must stop.
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Clay Travis is the only former student manager in the history of college athletics to marry an NFL cheerleader. He managed to pull this off despite an irrational affinity for the television shows Dawson's Creek and My Super Sweet 16. While being raised in Nashville, Tenn., Travis developed a healthy obsession with college sports and Alyssa Milano. As a teenager his greatest accomplishment was taking a doo-rag wearing Luke Duke (balling as Tom Wopat) to the hole at the Nashville YMCA.
In the midst of a stellar legal career during which he specialized in rewarding the unjust and punishing the oppressed, Travis began writing for CBS Sports's SPiN section in September 2005...
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