All That and a Bag of Mail: Beaver Pelt Trader of the Week
Friday, October 31, 2008
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is reader Josh Sims for his brilliant Jort-Out Georgia plan. I've written more about this and other upcoming college football games on Deadspin here. On to All That and a Bag of Mail.
Mike McKenzie writes:
Michigan has a commit named Shavodrick Beaver. That`s right, Shav`d Beaver. Awesome.
I just pray that he wins a Heisman. Although by saying this I've probably just brought Charles Woodson part two. So let me high step away from that one. As an aside, remember back when Tennessee and Michigan were good?
Matt writes:
So I got invited to the game on Thursday night. Luckily I had not shaven since the Saturday before and was able to present a decent beard. Unfortunately, it did not work. I blame it on one of my friends being beardless and the other not being able to grow anything more than stubble.
I tried to get your attention going through the VolWalk, but you looked like a scared dear in the headlights. You looked like you were just trying to get through the small path alive. The group who was around me was pretty wild, so I can understand why you would feel that way. They had the audacity to rub Fulmer's head and mess up his hair. He took it better than I would have thought.
The Vol Walk is intimidating if you aren't actually a member of the team or coaching staff. Everyone wants to congratulate you, shake your hand, and get you fired up to play in the game. Meanwhile I'm carrying a pen and notepad and not playing in the actual game. Plus, I have no real connection to any of the preparation or the like. Yet I still feel like people blame me if I don't shake their hand or say something cool to them. So it's kind of an uncomfortable feeling. I'm glad to know I covered this feeling up by looking like a scared deer. That's definitely the look I was going for.
Brian McGee writes:
What is with the tiny sweat bands that players are wearing around their elbows? I mean does this string of cloth really do all that much? I’ve also noticed them around the knees as well. I thought it was really funny to see that our quarterback, Nick Stephens, as well as our kicker and holder were wearing them over their underarmour. I guess there are some things I’ll never get….this and the fact that players like to wear what is equivalent to pantyhose on their head.
You know how every now and then you hear a question that you didn't even know you actually had? This is one of them. I have no idea what those things do. Although I have a strong suspicion that they're just supposed to make the muscles bulge more and look intimidating. Because they can't actually restrict any sweat. That would be impossible for them to manage as they're worn and constructed.
As for over the underarmour, this makes even less sense. I'm going to ask about this on the sideline tomorrow. Maybe I'll even wear some. They remind me of the bands the Ultimate Warrior used to wear. So they can't be all bad.
Alyson writes:
Someone said "I love the law" to me at a bar for the first time last night. I thought it was an urban legend all this time, I was very impressed with how smooth it sounded (even though I had to laugh), and I'm sorry for doubting it. And about your apostrophe problem, am I the only person wondering why you were writing an e-mail asking "Whose/who's pants are these?"?
When you operate a brothel out of your third floor, pants show up every now and then without anyone to claim them. I've learned to accept that as one of the hazards of the profession. For instance my right hand is always sore from pimp-slapping 'hos as well. What can you do? C'est la vie.
Hopefully you immediately procreated with the man who hit on you by claiming to love the law. And by "immediately procreated" I mean sliced off his balls with a really sharp olive toothpick. Women think that I'm lying when I give them the "love the law" warning. Don't. It's out there. Guys think you'll sleep with them if they say this. Be forewarned. Especially tonight when you're going to have on your slutty Halloween costume.
Chris writes:
I just flipped through my Nashville Bar Journal for this month, get to the back cover, and your ugly mug was staring at me in a Counsel on Call ad. Nice action photo of you fake-writing on a legal pad. Also, it says you are the author of two well-received books. Can we consider Man The Book “well-received?” Maybe it should have said, “Author of two well received-books (one in the United States, the other in England.)”
That's me, the greatest lawyer on earth. I'm surprised no one has mentioned my quote about loving the law that's also included. That's the quote I'm proudest of. As for my popularity in England, I remain the only American author to be a national bestseller in England and be unread on the West Coast. It's an awesome title to have. One of many reasons why I'm moving to England in the future. I'm already close to the Atlantic. If the game against South Carolina goes bad tomorrow I might just get on a steamer and sail away.
Clay, we need to get a definitive ranking of all these apostrophe names. Obviously, we do it AP Poll style with first-place votes in the parentheses, also receiving votes and all. Here's the hitches:
1. So many names, we've all probably lost track. Maybe an update post on the blog of all the names, or even just links to all the posts about apostrophe names?
2. Again, there's a lot of names out there. Taking nominations would be too unwieldy. Perhaps if you wanted to trim the list down yourself?
3. How many slots are we voting on? Top 25? Top 10?
B(ald)GID,
Here's the deal, I'm going to open this up to ten voters. Josh and myself will be the first two voters. I'm also going to extend the honors to Gordon Fletcher who has sent in more apostrophes than any reader thus far. That leaves 7 spots. Email me at clay.travis@gmail.com and tell me why you want to vote. We'll take 7 more and then we'll do a ballot every other week. Or maybe monthly. Depending on how the names are going. I'll provide a rough template of names. We'll dop it top ten style with
Right now I'm thinking the top five looks like this:
My distate for blackouts, redouts, and the like has been well documented. Last week we tried a beardout. Now comes the next most logical step, a jort-out. Florida fans have gone all post-modern on us and turned their greatest flaw into their greatest strength.
Brought to you by reader Josh Sims comes the Jort-Out Florida movement. . This will be up on Deadspin shortly, but until then I thought y'all would just enjoy some of the responses to this from the facebook group.
Beginning with Josh's initial gambit to switch jorts from a point of derision to a point of pride:
"When the Gators win, all Georgia fans can taunt us with is "Gators Wear Jean Shorts." That makes it obvious that jorts are in your head, even if they are hideous and only worn by Gator fans from Starke, Waldo, and Lawtey. So if jorts are prominent in Jax, we ensure victory. It's science.
But here's a little-known fact, Ms. Smith: we love Georgia girls. We can't wait to see y'all in your red-and-black dress, pearls, and high heels. And we won't even blame you when you want to switch into a nice pair of Daisy Dukes after the game."
Other postings on the wall:
Alexis Boucher: Listen, I just got this Jort thing recently. I don't think people realize that we live in FLORIDA and wearing shorts is a must. So if they happen to be jeans, why is it a big deal? Its RATIONAL! I am sorry, Georgia, that your state sucks and denies you the ability to wear clothing that says "Its warm and sunny and I am happy!"
Survived the Big Rig Ride; In the Vols Columbia Hotel
I spent last night driving from Knoxville to Columbia with the UT pads and helmets. For those of you who don't know, and I was one of them, UT drives their football equipment to all away games in a big rig painted with a UT mural on the sides and back. I'll have pictures soon. Anyway, the equipment is entrusted to a single driver, Vietnam war vet named Good Time Charlie. Last night I was his partner for the trip.
Charlie informs me that women typically flash the truck after big wins. So I'm holding out hope for a big win for that reason alone. We'll be heading back to Knoxville after the game, leaving around midnight and returning about 4 in the morning. So if you see the UT big rig, show us your tits. I'll wave.
Mucho mailbag coming later in the afternoon. Until then, you can thank me for making sure the helmets, pads, and jocks arrived in South Carolina.
I was going to try and yell for you a few times and flash up the Claynation sign, but the noise from the Alabama fans was too loud. Just to note, a few times I saw you clapping in rhythm with the band, and the only other people who were doing this on the sideline were the male cheerleaders....just sayin'.
As I was sulking there being serenaded by Rammer Jammer, I caught a glimpse of you slowly walking back to the tunnel. That was probably one of the saddest images of the night. I think every Vol fan felt that way.
Go Vols
The only thing worse than worrying about getting wrecked on the sideline is people paying attention to my body language on the sideline. I wasn't consciously keeping time with the band but the fact that I did this subconsciously clearly makes me gay. Honestly though, when you're on the sideline you aren't that conscious of very much. Hot girls leaning over the wall exposing ample amounts of cleavage? Yes. But other than that, it's kind of hard to pay much attention to individual people in the stands. Again, except for hot girls with lots of cleavage. They stand out well. Not just in the crowd but also on the Vol Walk.
As for walking off the field, I actually thought, do I have to keep my head up too? I wanted to throw myself on Nick Saban at midfield and wrestle him until he agreed to come to Tennessee for 4.5 million a year, but instead I walked off the field alone. As I was walking I was honestly thinking about my body language. If I held my head down, does the enemy win? So I kept my head up. But I did walk slowly. Some of the guys run off the field but I wanted to savor the exquisite pain of the beatdown. So I trudged. Although, from the above picture you can clearly see how defeated I was.
Church To Picket at Football Game of Dead Cheerleaders
With banners that say God Hates Tennessee. From Holly:
"Hey, I'm sure you heard about the Scott County cheerleaders by now (four of them died in a car accident along with a grandmother and an unborn child)...so tonight, a girlfriend who's a cheerleading coach at a rival school gets a call and reads me this:
I mean, after Saturday you could argue God DOES hate Tennessee, but good fucking night these people are cracked.
How cracked? This is their statement.
The group that plans to protest is from Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kan. Their news release says "God Hates Tennessee" and says the cheerleaders "died for Tennessee's sins."
The group that's known for strong anti-homosexual views told us by phone they now plan to protest at the high school, rather than at the funerals.
Church spokesperson Shirley Phelps says, "To help you connect the dots from your rebellion against God, your idols, your false gods, your filthy manner of life, teaching your children that God is a liar and rebellion against His standards."
Aside from being utterly ridiculous, I'm not sure what this protest is about. First of all clearly God hates Tennessee. He'd have to for us to have this bad of an offense. Fortunately, you may recall, I was able to talk to God a year ago about why he interceded in a Lions game. So at least we're already aware that God is intimately involved when it comes to football. Second, and without sarcasm, these cheerleaders died way too young in a car accident. That's horrid. But we're all going to die. So I'm not sure what the protesters point is. That these girls died earlier than they otherwise would have? Because God hates Tennessee? Perfect logic.
On a more serious note, hopefully these protesters burn to death in a car accident on the way to the game. That would be the clearest sign in my life thus far that God does exist.
Hope you're doing well and are not too suicidal about the Vols this year. My brother just sent me this link and I thought you'd appreciate it more than most.
Not bad. Clearly in times of disaster people turn to bearded men for guidance. This is how Moses became so popular despite the 40 years in the wilderness.
That is unfortunate. I promise that at some point he'll be a pterodactyl. However, despite this disappointment, I can confirm that Fox's first Halloween costume has been purchased. He's going to be Darth Vader.
I'm happy with this selection. His mom and I negotiated it down to Yoda or Darth Vader. Then, in a bit of Star Wars irony, Yoda wasn't available in his size. Size, you don't have? So we went with Vader. Fox is going to carry a glow stick as a light saber. Which is another good decision from his Mom.
Unfortunately I'll be in Columbia, South Carolina for his first Halloween. Staying at the Holiday Inn with the UT football team. (Insert your own horror joke here.)
Which means I'll be sitting around my hotel room wearing my slutty nurse costume all by myself. Email if you live in Columbia and are throwing a party.
Best part of this shot? The wedding ring. You know this LSU fan got home, crushed because his team gave up 50 points two weeks in a row, and his wife was like,
"My mom called. She saw you flip a bird at the camera, Hastings (this guy's name is definitely something like Hastings). What were you thinking, Hastings? Sometimes I don't even know why I put up with you, I really don't."
Hastings: Mumbles undecipherable insult.
Wife: What was that Hastings, what did you say?
Hastings: Nothin'.
Wife: Nothing, huh? I'll show you nothing.
Wife walks into bedroom and comes back with LSU thong. Brandishes it in front of him. Then throws it in the trash. "We are not having sex until you apologize." Leaves room.
Hastings: Flips bird while speaking, "I'm sorry."
Wife: From other room. "Do you really mean it?"
Hastings: Yes, I'm sorry. I was drunk. It was Rusty, Rusty got me drunk.
Wife: I don't like Rusty. He's that friend of yours that sleeps with that skank Kaitlynne isn't he?
Hastings: Kaitlynne's not a skank, you're thinking of Kay'lynne.
Wife: Whatever, the one who didn't wear panties to the Virginia Tech game. She's gross.
Hastings: I know.
Wife: Reenters room. "So you're really sorry?"
Hastings: So sorry, cherie.
Wife: You want to play JaMarcus and the white girl?
Hastings: You mean it? You want me to get your thong out of the trash?
Storming the Floor Brings Us College Basketball Apostrophes
The season is nigh. Thank God. Remember back in the days when you wanted to cry when college football season ended? Now we rejoice. As part of the prelude to the season the fellas behind Storming the Floor have a gift for us: a primer on the top apostrophes in college basketball. Some of them are old favorites--who could forget our buddy Al'Lonzo.
I believe my personal favorite is Roge'r Guignard. If only because you get the feeling that his mom almost forgot about the apostrophe as she was filling out his birth certificate. Regardless our boy Roge'r is pictured above.
Jay Cutler and I Have the Same Favorite Bar In Nashville
I endorsed the Titans' drafting of Vince Young a few years ago in a Sportsline column, but the one thing that gave me pause was how much Jay Cutler loves Nashville. Give the guy a week off and he's always back in town. Generally out on Demonbreun Street at Dan McGuinness or the Tin Roof. Last week was Vandy's homecoming and that homecoming coincided with the Broncos bye week. Welcome back to the Tin Roof, Jay, welcome back.
I missed this night because I was out watching UT get destroyed by Alabama. Awesome.
You know you want to. Because otherwise you're just trying to figure out why you didn't take Chris Johnson or LenDale White in your fantasy league. White's on pace to rush for 20 touchdowns this year. Ridiculous.
I think it's safe to say things are in flux right now and there's a real mess. But all I can tell you is Phil Fulmer was still recruiting pretty hard on Saturday after the Alabama loss. And that he said absolutely nothing in his post-game speech that suggested he was going anywhere. Right after the game the internets were alive with reports that he'd told the team he was done. That wasn't true at all so I'm skeptical of anything definitive right now. We'll see.
I understand Julio Jones has already announced he's going to celebrate the statue's unveiling by urinating at the base. Chavis has announced plans to protect the statue by deploying the Mustang defensive package. This means the statue itself will remain undefended but the street behind the statue will be blanketed.
How about the fearsome lion and his hunter? Seriously, if you see a guy wearing this thing, just walk up and punch him in the face. Then kick him in the head until merciful darkness arrives.
He'll call you from the hospital and thank you later. Trust me.
Still don't believe me? Read the product review from a mom.
"The Macho Lion costume fit well on 5" 11" dad. It's nicely realistic looking with the puffed-out feet, paws & chest and the nice hood, esp. since dad has a short beard, too. It was about as warm as you would expect. The velour-like fabric was kind of shedding quite a bit new out of the package, but I would guess it will be better after it's washed. It will be good for Wizard of Oz and Lion King themes. --Mom"
The fact that this wife made her bearded husband wear this costume is honestly too much for me to bear. No man has ever been BGID in this costume. In fact, while her husband may be 5'11, his balls have been gone since marriage. Otherwise he would have rejected this costume from the get-go.
If this isn't the best fan video I've ever seen, I don't know what is. Once you see this mustache, you're watching too. This is courtesy of my friends Lance and Ian down in Birmingham. They host the best radio show in Alabama from 10-2 every weekday and have the misfortune of hosting visits from me every Monday.
My two favorite parts:
1. Rumination about whether or not Nick Saban might be watching. 2. His defense of Phil Fulmer.
I knew things weren't going to go my team's way when I came back from hanging out with Arian Foster and his family to see my friends Tardio and Shekhar giggling over their Coors Light cans in our hotel room. (By the way, Tardio turns every trash can in a hotel room into a modified beer cooler faster than any man on earth. Within thirty seconds of arriving anywhere he's got beer being chilled on ice.)
Anyway, they were giggling because the crazy McCain chick was being shown on constant repeat...wearing an orange UT hoodie. To refresh this girl got arrested in Pittsburgh and is from Texas. Yet somehow she ended up in University of Tennessee apparel. 10 to 1 this was an Alabama fan cop who made this happen. I admire his ingenuity. So does Travis Henry.
Anyway, we were cursed from this moment on. And is it wrong that I envied Ashley Todd not remembering carving her face with the B? I found myself thinking, I wish it was that easy to forget this season.
In typical fashion, Tardio cracked open another beer.
Please tell me that I'm not the only person who thinks the past 9 weeks have lasted 9 years. Sunday morning I woke up in my Knoxville hotel and stared into the mirror as I brushed my teeth. I truly didn't recognize myself. I had deep black bags under my eyes, couldn't swallow a drink of water without coughing, appeared to have put on about twenty pounds, and looked like death with a beard.
I blame many things. Not least the season or the pizza that the Hilton sold to me late Saturday night after the game that managed the incredibly difficult maneuver of having the cheese cooked to a plasticky blackness while the bread was uncooked. If my camera hadn't stopped working (yeah, that too) I'd post a picture.
Instead here is me behind Coach Fulmer near the end of the Alabama game. I look like a zombie.
On the positive side, I have now run through the T. Lost a game after running through the T, but run through the T at least.
More coming later, but I thought there was nothing better than a nice Monday morning kickstart to your day. Trust me, you are not alone, I feel your pain.
Best analogy (which also makes it the worst), you know how the President ages about five years for every year he's in office? I feel like I'm aging a year on behalf of Vol fans everywhere for every loss this season.
All That And A Bag Of Mail: Beaver Pelt Trader of the Week
Friday, October 24, 2008
I'm going to be leaving for Knoxville in the next hour or so. As I've said before, UT will win this football game. Book it. And if you decide you need to blame someone for the season, I'll be on the Vol Walk and on the sideline for the game again. Without further ado, let's roll into our mailbag. Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Ja'Larry Byrd. You're about to know why and where that picture comes from.
Ward writes:
A friend of mine works for Prattville High in Prattville, Alabama. They play Sidney Lanier High School out of Montgomery coming up this weekend. Well he just got the roster and told me about it. I have found the roster on the web and have provided the link.
The football team has some players with the random apostrophe name: D'Kyndre Davis; D'Maeques Purnell; Ja'Michael Green
But none of those compare to one person. Please check out #66 on the roster and #1 in our hearts, an offensive lineman for Sidney Lanier: Ja'Larry Byrd
Case closed, winner. Enjoy.
You know how occasionally a sports announcer doesn't say anything and just lets you listen to the roaring crowd because he thinks that's more powerful. Well, this is that moment in ClayNation All That and a Bag of Mail.
Okay, I couldn't resist writing something. I googled Ja'Larry Byrd and what should come up but his myspace page. Uh oh. Here it is. You guys can review it for pertinent details. All I can tell is that Ja'Larry Byrd and Larry Bird seem to have a lot in common.
Maybe we can interview him to see what the view looks like from the top of the ClayNation Apostrophe Rankings.
Matt writes:
I am disappointed with you. You said, "Maybe I could be Mike Hamilton and Fox could go as Fulmer's broken contract? Or I could be Arian Foster and Fox could be a football. Although I don't want to have to fumble him that often."
You should have said that you could be Arian Foster and Fox could be a Pterodactyl. I mean, the squeals that Fox makes would be awfully close to Pterodactyl talk. Just a thought.
Several of you wrote in and suggested that Fox should have been the pterodactyl to my Arian Foster. I missed this idea. You're all geniuses. I'm, not surprisingly, a fool.
Chris Alexander writes:
C'Lay -
I'm wondering what happens when 2 apostrophes show up in one noun. We can take Dont'a Hightower's name as an example. He is a freshman linebacker at Ala-f'ing-bama who played at Marshall County (TN) in high school. I can see it now:
Saturday Night - Knoxville, TN - Neyland Stadium:
Mike Patrick: "Oh my god, who's head is that laying out on the 40 yard line? Eric Berry literally took that guys head off. Is that Hightower?" Todd Blackledge: "Yes, Mike. I believe that is Dont'a's head... Eric Berry has displaced his head... and partial spine... and the entirety of his soul. My prayers go out to Dont'a's family."
My question is: Does the mere utterance of a word with two apostrophes signal the great rapture? Does CERN's Large Hadron Collider suddenly create the black hole that was so eloquently explained on this week's episode of The Hills and engulf the earth?
side note: Do you think "Dont'a" is the correct way to spell his name? Maybe Don'ta or Daunt'a? I mean who knows really. I would have gone with "Daunte". Confusion is me. I'll just have to go and grab me about 17 Scotty Hopson's Friday night at Cool Beans and discuss among friends.
All our apostrophes have clearly given google a headache. So I've gone with the bold as opposed to the italics to see whether they show up better in bold.
As for the double apostrophe, I'm not going to lie, my apostrophe obsession has started to get in my own head. Like, I can't figure out possessives anymore. Nothing looks right. I was one of those spellers and grammarians who merely did things based on feel rather than paying a lot of attention to rules. Generally this was fine for me because I read so much. But now I've got apostrophes appearing everywhere in my writing, and I have no idea what's normal anymore.
The other day, I swear to God, I spent ten minutes trying to figure out when to use who's vs. when to use whose. I wanted to use who's for everything. I wrote, "Who's pants are these?" the other day in an email. Yep, I'm r'attled.
John writes:
Clay,
While looking towards Saturday's game against Bama, I was struck with fear thinking about what Javier Arenas could do to UT's always terrible punt coverage, which led me to the following question. Who is the most dynamic return man in Alabama history? Javier Arenas or Forrest Gump?
Well, first things first, not only did he survive everything else, but Forrest Gump had sex with Jenny when she had AIDS, procreated, and neither he nor the boy was infected. So his penis has as good of fortune as the rest of his body.
Honestly, as a UT fan, there isn't any one punt returner that scares me more than any other, I'm terrified of anyone. For instance, has Brandon James done anything on punt returns since he scored atainst Tennessee? Of course not.
But I think I'm going to have to go with Forrest on this one. The exploits of fictional characters are always more impressive than real-life people and many more people, sadly, associate Alabama football with Forrest Gump than associate it with Javier Arenas. Better question, how in the world does Gilbert Arenas' cousin (isn't the family British?) end up playing football at Alabama?
Kerry writes:
That guy didn't get fired for ordering three drinks, he got fired for ordering three fucking Tom Collins'.
Well played, Kerry, well played.
Joshua writes:
So on the topic of Arnold Palmer and John Daly... A JD is an AP with citrus vodka and triplesec. This has never sat well with me.. Personally, I make sweet tea, lemonade, and bourbon or whiskey. Not only is it more inside of the parameters of what a real man would drink, but especially indicative of what the man, the legend, JD would drink.
On a side note... I was at this charity concert in Orlando, and Hootie and the Blowfish were going to play.. so I got a few beers, couple dogs..(hot dogs, not corndogs) and relaxed for a while listening to Hootie... so a few songs in, I look up and there's this fat white guy with a bad blonde haircut singing instead of Hootie and in a mocking tone, I turn to my girlfriend and say, "What the fuck? I didn't know John Daly was in the band." Well, to my shock, after the song was over Hootie came back out and was all like "John Daly, everybody!" Crazy.
I'd like to say I'm shocked that John Daly is a huge Hootie fan, but, honestly, I completely expected that. Just like when I went to the Masters a few years ago and drove by the Augusta Hooters and saw that John Daly was going to be signing autographs there.
As for the Bourbon Meyer, as a Tennessee fan I'd prefer not to sample it. Inevitably, I would get drunk after one sip, work like heck to stand back up, fall down again, and not wake up until the next morning when Brandon James was urinating on my face in a back alley.
Zach writes:
Clay,
I thought I would let you know that your website has been identified by the corporate internet filter where I work and is now blocked. This should up your notoriety and 'street cred' at least somewhat. Now, I just have to figure out something else to do while at work.
Also, I have been BGID for about 2 weeks now in preparation of the Alabama game. I will not be surprised if JPW clips off a portion of his Bama bangs at halftime and glues them to his face to resemble a 5 o'clock shadow.
Nice to know the corporate behemoths are already trying to keep a brother down. Try to go in through the back door (no homo) and use the mailbag as a destination as opposed to the front page.
At least the beardout is alive and well.
JD Terry writes:
Over the past several years, I have been trying to explain to many of my Auburn friends that God truly hates Auburn University. Even though I have always taken the time to ridicule my friends on the other side of the state of Alabama, I believe this one has been the hardest for them to swallow; and its extremely easy to explain and understand. It is simply this:
I, along with most people throughout the Southeast (and for the most part, the entire country) believe that the SEC is the best and strongest conference in the nation. Because of this, I really cannot fathom an SEC team going undefeated, winning the SEC Championship, and not making it to the BCS National Championship. However, this exact scenario happened to Auburn in 2004. Although I was born an Alabama fan and, as such, truly hate Auburn University,
I could not reason how or why this happened. And then it hit me:
GOD HATES AUBURN.
There is no other logical explanation that comes to mind – not counting USC or Oklahoma. For the past several years, Auburn fans have relished in the University of Alabama’s downward slide. Yet, what Auburn fans don’t realize is that the University of Alabama are the Jewish people of the college football world; God may punish us for our sins by sending us into the desert for a few years, but we are still His people. So don’t try to say – Auburn fans – that the Alabama Nation is just proud we got out of the desert; we always knew we would come out and return back to the promise land and that Auburn would always take its place as the “Cow College” of the State. Auburn fans, its destiny; don’t let the past few years let you forget that.
This makes more sense in light of the West Virginia game last night. Question though, if God truly hates Auburn, isn't giving them a quarterback named Kodi the ultimate slap in the face? Any quarterback whose named ended in -i- would be laughable but combine it with a girl's name and it's brutal. Can't you just see Kodi Burns sitting down to eat his lunch and he's constantly approached by snickering girls from Vestavia and they're all like, "Oh, my god, Kodi, my name's Kodi too." It's no wonder the guy sucks. Don't even get me started on the likelihood of a black athlete being named Kodi. It's almost beyond the pale of knowledge. Too bad it's not Kod'i.
I was watching SportsCenter (now live!) when I saw this highlight (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQErUA_UMS8) of BGID in sports. However, in typical Evil Empire fashion, they ended the clip by showing Ben Roethlisberger being emasculated at the hands of David Letterman. It is a great video nonetheless.
Also, as a Gator fan, I wanted to note that jorts and sleeveless t-shirts are the least of the fashion faux pas that is currently haunting Gainesville. As noted here (http://www.new.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=51054412&l=a89fd&id=2011339), the abundant wearing of Crocs is much more hideous.
I'm very disappointed for how short this segment was. Also for the fact that Josh Elliott didn't throw out a little BGID-love. But nice find. I still say that Kimbo's beard has to be worth a few extra punches.
My only tip is this, don't go as Michael Phelps. Someone else is going to be going as him too and you're both going to be cold and look like tools.
Also, nice to see Kige rocking the Western Kentucky shirt. I've heard that renowned porn series College Invasion 12 is set on Western's campus. Hopefully Kige is featured. You know where else Kige is featured, on ClayNation radio. He's called in the past four shows. Good stuff.
He's pure evil, but he's also pretty intelligent. Maybe he's the Anti-Christ? Anyway, here's Spencer with a gun, a McCain-Palin t-shirt and later reading a book on how to profit from a monetary crisis.
Which is interesting because Spencer doesn't even work now. Anyway, enjoy the photos courtesy of Matt who sums up The Hills episodes on his own blog here.
Arkansas' Casey Dick Is Getting Married! His Girlfriend Put Up a Webpage. Enjoy.
Courtesy of reader Hunter via good buddy Spencer over at EDSBS, comes Casey's lovely webpage. What initially attracted the lovely Felicia to Casey. His big ears of course. Because all woman "have a big ear fetish." She calls his big ears, Refrigerators. Which is sweet. Because he calls her huge breasts "target practice."
Here's the best part, a video montage replete with song. Right now several of you are laughing uncomfortably, thinking, "I hope Clay doesn't find out about my engagement page with my fiancee." Too late, I know.
Just a question though, what exactly are you thinking as a guy when the photographer tells you to touch noses? I don't know because I've never posed like this before, but you have to be thinking, "This is the most emasculating thing I have ever done." Right? Otherwise, you've already given up on life.
Still confused about what could bring together a couple like this? Well, how about they go ahead and list 10 things they each like about each other. This is so painfuly awkward even The Office writers wouldn't write about this.
Texas Tech's New Kicker? A Field Goal Contest Winner
As someone who has stepped onto the field and won a prize at halftime of an NFL game (a Mercury Mountaineer and a pontoon boat; t-shirt pop in front of the computer), I'm always pleased when other half-time participants make news. So congrats to Matt Williams who kicked a 30 yard field goal at halftime of the UMass game this season. His kick was so impressive that Mike Leach took note and now Williams is going to be kicking extra points at this week's game against Kansas.
“(Red Raiders coach Mike Leach) happened to see it, and he sent one of our staff members running up the tunnel after the kid,” said Texas Tech assistant athletic director Chris Cook, who described the kick as “smooth and beautiful.”
Why is this necessary? Because Texas Tech has missed 6 extra points and is just 4-8 on field goals. This has to be a new high in halftime performances though. We have a new favorite for beaver pelt trader of the week.
As an aside, is there any doubt at all that fellow lawyer Mike Leach loves the law? Also, if Fulmer steps down, Mike Leach is at the top of my list of potential replacements.
Titans' Chris Johnson Gets Free Drums ...Announces More Celebrations Are Forthcoming
Looking for any signs that Chris Johnson is starting to get pretty comfortable with his position? A week after Coach Fisher publicly dissuaded him from any more bongolicious celebrations, Johnson is publicly announcing there are more shenanigans to come. Plus, random fans are sending Johnson free sets of drums.
Coach Jeff Fisher said he told the rookie to tone down any future celebrations, but Johnson couldn't promise there won't be an encore.
"I have a lot of creative ideas. I just have to pick the right time to do them,'' Johnson said with a smile. "I don't really think Jeff thinks it's OK. … I know this is not a one-time deal."
This is what being a rookie and the 4th leading rusher in the NFL does to a guy. It gives him balls. Publicly defying your head coach six games into the season because you want to celebrate more? Somebody get that man som Firefly Vodka and lemonade. This is going to be entertaining.
From good buddy Kerry comes this email, "This is the greatest thing ever." By the time I got to the gym last night Tardio had already downloaded three of them to his phone. "Now I've just got to worry about Gus Johnson coming on during my depositions."
As for me, I've never downloaded a ringtone, but at $1.99 a pop Gus Johnson is going to be even richer than he already is.
Ah hah!
Gus Johnson is really hard to translate into words.
The recent talk of the Scotty Hopson shot reminded me of a good story. A friend of mine was a summer associate at a large law firm. A group of partners and associates took him out to lunch one day, and when the waitress went around the table to get the drink order, many of them ordered Arnold Palmers (half iced tea, half lemonade). My friend, having never before heard of the Arnold Palmer, assumed it was some cool new cocktail. He thinks to himself, sweet, a drinking lunch, and orders a Tom Collins. The lawyers are too embarrassed to say anything, and my friend goes through three of them, thinking that everyone else is drinking liquor too. No job offer for him.
Also, if Arnold Palmer has a drink named after him, what about John Daly? What would "the John Daly" consist of?
That's a really funny story. Law firm lunches are the death of many a legal career. Did anyone else go out with the older partners at firms and have them order beers with lunch? It was like they were daring you to order a beer too. I never did but I always wondered what they were trying to prove with their orders. It was like they felt the need to prove how much more powerful they were than me. I get it asshole, you're rich and you can drink whatever you want for lunch. Bravo. I can go to a football game on Saturday and you have to work. I win.
Anyway, tough luck for your friend. But congrats to him for going with triple drinks. I'm picturing him pounding the table at the end of the third drink in the middle of a story about bobbing for apples from a fraternity bin full of fruit and everclear and there being stony silence from everyone else.
As for the John Daly Shot. Great question. I'm thinking straight Jack Daniel's from a beer mug with a thrice-divorced woman's thong shoved into the bottom of the mug for added flavor.
As you can tell from the above picture, my son has been emasculated beyond all compare. When he's old enough to recognize this, he's going to punch me in the nose. And I'm going to deserve it.
This latest pumpkin outfit that my mom got on him while I was hard at work on the UT book in my office is just the latest form of Halloween emasculation. Prior to this Fox has been rocking a Halloween outfit with the phrase, "So Cute I'm Scary," on it. Get it, get it. As if that weren't enough in Asheville last weekend he got cold at the Biltmore (it was freezing in Asheville) and his mom insisted that he wear a pumpkin stocking cap.
Anyway, Sayward emailed with this question, beginning with a quote from a past mailbag, advice and photo of her own child's first Halloween.
Clay, what is Fox going to be for Halloween?
The only rule I've laid down for his mom is that he can't be one of those cute costumes. Like a pumpkin, or a puppy, or something of this nature. That's far too emasculating. This is the kind of thing where when he takes up ballet dancing as his college major, I'm going to pinpoint this as his downfall. Of course, my grandmother used to paint my fingernails when I was a kid and I turned out fine...right?
Anyway, Fox will be eight months old on Saturday and I've set out some potential costumes for him. I want eerie. His mom gets to make the final call because, "People judge me based on his costume, not you Clay." I'm open to suggestions.
Clay,
I have a proposal for you. A compromise if you will. Your wife is absolutely going to want Fox to dress cute and cuddly this year, as he won’t be down for it ever again. You will have so many opportunities for scary/funny/civil war general costumes later in life. That said, I think y'all can have the best of both worlds. Fox could dress like a puppy (smoky) and you can get one of those fat guy suits and be Fulmer or just get a coonskin hat if you don't want to go all out. Or…
My husband wasn't crazy about it, but I thought it was awesome. Anyway, just be glad you don’t have a girl to worry about dressing like a prostitute someday. All those slutty outfits aren't so awesome when a daughter is involved.
That's a pretty decent great costume and not a bad compromise. Although I maintain that a woman dressing up like Bear Bryant is the most sexually confusing moment in any Alabama man's life. At least since his second cousin turned 14 and started wearing Confederate flag bikinis.
Maybe I could be Mike Hamilton and Fox could go as Fulmer's broken contract? Or I could be Arian Foster and Fox could be a football. Although I don't want to have to fumble him that often.
As for not having a daughter, I truly thank God for this each time Fox smiles up at me. Plus, and this is key, if you have a son and your friends are having girls you get to send them emails for several months pointing out what a terror your son will be once his daughter hits puberty. One of my good friends, D.J., is already looking into where sodomy is most heavily punished for summer vacations. His theory is that summer is when all the hanky-panky happens.
Yep, it's Tuesday. Which means it's time for ClayNation Radio to take over the dial in Nashville. And online. Once again you can listen live here and call us at 615-737-1045.
Tonight's show is stellar, former Tennessee Vol tight end Brad Cottam and Denver Bronco Kory Lichtensteiger will be hanging out. I'll ask Brad Cottam to explain why he cursed me by saying that this year's Vols would be much better than last year's.
UT was the runaway favorite to repeat as SEC Champions. Here's the data to entertain yourself with if Alabama gives us a thumping for a second year in a row. What are the odds that both writers who picked Kentucky to win the SEC Title are from Kentucky?
Even if you're a Kentucky fan you think this is ridiculous, don't you? Losing 60% of the scoring from a team that lost in the first round of the tourney doesn't generally equate to major conference success. Unless you have a tremendous recruiting class. Which UK doesn't.
Anyway, clearly the SEC East is the strongest by a substantial margin and all 5 of the first teamers are from the East. Tyler Smith is the preseason player of the year. Question for debate, is Tyler Smith the greatest Vol transfer ever?
Now it's time to genuflect at the Church of Bruce Pearl.
Preseason Media Poll (First-Place Votes in Parentheses; *-unanimous selection) SEC Champion: Tennessee (23); Florida (5); Kentucky (2)
Western Division Alabama (11) LSU (11) Ole Miss (8) Miss. State Auburn Arkansas
FIRST TEAM ALL-SEC Pos. Ht. Wt. Cl. Hometown Patrick Patterson, Kentucky -- 6-9 235 So. Huntington, W.Va. Tyler Smith, Tennessee F 6-7 215 Jr. Pulaski, Tenn. Nick Calathes, Florida G/F 6-6 194 So. Casselberry, Fla. Devan Downey, South Carolina G 5-9 175 Jr. Chester, S.C. A.J. Ogilvy, Vanderbilt C 6-11 250 So. Sydney, Australia
SECOND TEAM ALL-SEC Pos. Ht. Wt. Cl. Hometown Marcus Thornton, LSU G 6-4 205 Sr. Baton Rouge, La. Jarvis Varnado, Miss. State F/C 6-9 210 Jr. Brownsville, Tenn. Ronald Steele, Alabama G 6-1 191 Sr. Birmingham, Ala. Tasmin Mitchell, LSU F 6-7 240 Jr. Denham Springs, La. Chris Warren, Ole Miss G 5-10 160 So. Orlando, Fla. Alonzo Gee, Alabama G 6-6 219 Sr. Palm Beach, Fla.
More ClayNation mailbag? Hooray, hooray; Me'Co Brown and the Scotty Hopson shot explained
Because I know you've been sitting at work thinking to yourself, but where did the Scotty Hopson shot (Kentucky bourbon and orange juice) come from? Wonder no longer. The Creator has contacted us.
Taylor Butler writes:
"Hey Clay,
I just wanted to thank you for mentioning the Scotty Hopson in your blog... it was my invention and my post prized accomplishment in life. I have been going to UT games since I was 2 and I am a huge UT fan (your book literally mirrors all of my emotions involved with UT sports). I actually started my first year of pharmacy school this year and I have been making all As and high Bs but that pales in comparison to coming up with a shot that supports UT athletics (and yes I will have people's lives in my hands later on in life... however uncomforting that sounds).
My friends and I went out to Cool Beans (bar in Knoxville) to celebrate the joyous occasion of landing a 5-star bball recruits and we were looking for a shot to livin' up the party and that was the first thing me and Chris Sanders (fraternity brother) could think of. We kind of just kept taking them and talking about them on Volquest and it kind of spread. I think it is crazy that something so miniscule has been mentioned on 3 different sports websites and is Cool Beans no. 1 shot now and a big hit in Knoxville. I figured I would let you know the whole story but Go Vols! We will get out of the football rut sooner than later (I hope)."
I think I speak for everyone reading this when I say, any pharmacist who creates a shot based on athletics can mix my drugs any day of the week.
So now you know. Consider yourselves educated. Personally I'm just waiting for the Billy Gillispie shot to catch on? What's the Billy G? A bottle of Maker's Mark.
Chris VB writes:
I picked up Me'Co Brown for my fantasy college team a couple weeks back. I could not resist the appeal of the apostrophe. You asked about ACT/SAT scores in your last mailbag. This does not answer the question directly, but I found this quote by Me'Co of interest:
So what I'm learning from this is that Northern Illinois running back Me'Co Brown is the apostle Paul of the apostrophe universe--repudiating the apostrophe lest he be ridiculed. For shame, Me'Co, for shame.
Random question, could Me'Co copyright or trademark his name if it didn't have the apostrophe? I don't think so. I'm not an expert on this field of the law but I don't think you could get Me copyrighted or trademarked and I don't think you could get Co because it's so common as a short form of company or corporation. So was Me'Co's mom thinking ahead when she added the apostrophe? She knew at some point her son would want to protect the property interest in his name and without the apostrophe that would be impossible.
I've been remiss in hitting emails of late, so here goes.
Hunter writes:
C'lay - Just so you know (and I'm sure you get about 100 of these invites each week), I hope to have a contingent of beards for the 'Bama game. I've put the word forth and will continue to support the endeavor.
Point is: If you have the time / inclination, we'll be tailgating outside of parking garage G10 (on the river side, near the train track). It's the right side of the tracks . . . or the wrong side. Matters none.
As an aside, given your love of punctuated names, my dad's name happens to be "Dash." No punctuation, but you've probably never met anyone named "Apostrophe" or "Colon." Gross. Anyway, it's a rare chance to encounter uniqueness (he'll be there next weekend). He's been informed of the commonly accepted current spelling of his name (-).
Either way - feel free to stop by. What's ours is yours (wives / girlfriends negotiable).
The Beardout is going to be a huge success. John Parker Wilson's clean-shaven face is going to be twinging with disappointment. Basically JPW's going to feel just like he does every time he goes to the team shower and has to explain why his testicles haven't descended yet to Nick Saban. (In case you're wondering that's why JPW took UT defensive back DeAngelo Willingham's testicles last year, because he needed to borrow some. DeAngelo hasn't been the same sense. Which means he's basically been Angelo.)
I'm excited about this weekend. I'm bringing an Indian to Knoxville for his first UT game since 1999 and Tardio is in tow. Your offer notwithstanding I'm set on wives/girlfriends but Tardio needs a girl. He's turning into an old man who works 95 hours a week and chases anything that has a skirt on in the four hours a week he's not working. Any girl less than two-bills walks by and he turns his head. Pretty soon he's going to get a Dillard's perfume girl pregnant. Someone needs to save him from himself. So if you know a hot, single girl in Nashville or Knoxville who wants to date a rich lawyer with a moderate football problem and a propensity to rub girl's heads when drinking, I've got your hook up.
I'll be talking about the Beardout on tonight's radio show. We have special guests in former UT tight end Brad Cottam and Denver Bronco Kory Lichtensteiger. I haven't spent as much time pushing the beardout as I should have, but I'm hoping we'll have some adherents and I'm confident both of these NFL players will acknowledge how intimidating it would be to play in a stadium with so much facial hair surrounding them.
As for your Dad being named Dash, I'm speechless. What if one day you came home and your dad announced that he had changed his name to -? He'd be like Prince. Only his name would be a pronounceable symbol. I'm blown away by this, truly blown away.
Kyle writes:
Clay,
With all the excellent apostrophes we have been seeing recently, it made me wonder if there might be those unfortunate enough to have been given a name without an apostrophe but who should have been. These poor people have the worst of both worlds. They have no apostrophe, but their name just seems like it's incomplete without it. I think I have a perfect example in LenDale White. Do you agree that it would be infinitely better if it was Len'Dale White?
I mentioned this to a coworker of mine, and we discussed if maybe he had lost his somewhere. My friend is convinced LenDale ate it as a child. Either way, this should be addressed. I wonder if there is some way to buy LenDale his first apostrophe (or replacement, if indeed he did eat his first one). Your thoughts?
We have to get LenDale's run out of the way first. 80 yards? He looked like me at the end of that run. Which led to a dispute about what LenDale's current forty time is. He ran a 4.65 at the combine. For comparison's sake current Titans blocking tight end Craig Stevens, a friend of mine from combine training, ran a 4.59. So Craig would have beaten Lendale in the open field.
Now, the question of whether he might have eaten his apostrophe is a great one. Especially if apostrophe's can go on top of donuts. (The guy leading my fantasy football league? LenDale's Donut Shoppe.) How much would the apostrophe slice LenDale's forty time?
You might think this is a ridiculous question, but think about how much more self-esteem Lendale would have. Since overeating is a sign of low self-esteem, LenDale would be svelte. No one would make whale jokes at his expense and the world would be a bright and shiny place full of Nestle Crunch bars growing on trees. So the apostrophe would cut his forty time by at least .09 seconds. Getting him down into the 4.5 range.
Better question, how much different would LenDale be, if he was named plain old Dale? Would this be the most incongruous name ever? You'd go out with a buddy and he'd say, "Hey, we're going to meet up with my friend Dale White." You're expecting for some guy in a red plaid shirt, blue jeans, and work boots to show up and then Dale White, cornrowed running back for the Titans rolls in? I don't think so. If he was named Dale White LenDale would be a Comcast cable installer in suburban Denver who sells free HBO on the side for $20, wears Timberland boots and oversized jeans that always reveal his butt-crack, and constantly talks on his Nextel phone about how he "got the hook up."
So I guess what I'm getting at is, LenDale is not the success that Len'Dale would be. But he's not the failure that Dale would be either. Make sense? People who should have apostrophes is a nice category to explore though. This is going to add a whole new level of depth to our scientific analysis of the apostrophe.
Look, I know I've been weak on television lately. That's about to be made up. At least if you watch The Hills. I've even gotten a few emails wanting to know what I'm watching now. The answer is nothing new. Even though people keep telling me to watch Mad Men and that the new vampire show on HBO that I made fun is a must-see. Since Fox has been born my television viewing has been curtailed. So here's what I DVR in the order I currently prefer the shows. (I'm doing this based on that giddy feeling you get when you sit down to watch a television show and see that it's available on your DVR.)
1. 30 Rock 2. The Office 3. The Hills 4. Entourage 5. PTI 6. Real World/Road Rules Challenge (By the way is Johnny Bananas taking over the show the most unexpected thing to come out of this show thus far. Aside from maybe when Beth got punched by that chubby Puerto Rican girl? He's the Terrance Cody of the RWRRC.) 7. Man vs. Wild
That's it. I watch no dramas right now because Friday Night Lights isn't on regular television. Anyway, last night I got around to watching The Hills clip show and it was unbelievably good. Here were 9 things that jumped out at me.
1. Audrina dated a guy who pronounced quesadilla ques uh dill uh. This was either the most brilliant thing I've ever seen or the dumbest. He argued that Audrina was pronouncing quesadilla wrong. While pronouncing it wrong himself. Can you imagine if you went on The Hills and your entire goal was to convince a dumb girl on the show that she was actually pronouncing a word wrong? Even though she was actually doing it correct. Then she followed your lead? But your humor was so subtle that millions of other people thought you were the idiot? Talk about a high risk/high reward move.
2. The USC-UCLA discussion. This is how people in LA actually react to football. The one person who's a fan ends up looking like an idiot. The guy Audrina is dating is a UCLA fan and Audrina says, "Isn't USC better?" And the UCLA fan says, "No," very seriously. But then they cut him off. You or I would have probably responded the same way if we were UCLA fans but the clip is designed to make this poor bastard look like an idiot.
3. Which got me wondering, how bad could you look if you went on The Hills? They'd kill you and me. We'd look like the biggest assholes on earth. You probably are a real asshole, but I'm a sweetie. The camera's so unfair.
4. How did Audrina getting LC's cat shaved to resemble a lion not make an episode? There's few things are that legitimately hysterical in their own right on The Hills. This was one of them. And it's been buried like a talented freshman on UT's depth chart. Inexplicable.
5. Heidi's message that she left for Spencer threatening to break up with him was superb. But the more I see of Spencer the more I'm convinced that he's smarter than all of us. He's playing a role and he's so good playing that role that we all believe it. Meanwhile the cutting room floor has lots of footage of him playing to the camera and acknowledging exactly what he's doing.
6. Heidi and Audrina discussing alchemy-whether gold can be made by man-an obsession of the Renaissance. The New World might not even be discovered if gold could be made by man. Both girls agree it can be. "Because you take coal and add extra pressure," says Heidi. Right. Are you telling me a television show where these girls debate topics and give their honest opinions wouldn't be a ratings goldmine? "What is Marxism?" Discuss. I'd pay to watch this show.
7. Playing into that, Lo uses the word "forlorn" and LC almost collapses. LC asks Lo "to use normal words." And LC says this is a normal word. There would need to be a vocabulary element to the quiz show as well.
8. Spencer says that he was afraid Heidi's dad was going to feed him to the horses. Brody lets Spencer know, "Horses eat hay, dude."
9. Audrina's older co-worker who clearly has an IQ that is higher than Audrina and LC combined discussing the big bang, and the experiment that could create a black hole, rendering our cosmos nonexistent. All of these words and their results are clearly unfathomable to Audrina. But, in perfect The Hills summation, a floundering and wide-eyed Audrina responds, "Isn't it crazy how all of this is happening while Lauren's gone?"
It really looks like he has a flashback to his 1950's high school football games. Either that or Garcia keyed his car after an earlier game. The latter is probably more likely.
And in case you're wondering I did just go on WJOX with my friends Lance and Ian of Roundtable Radio and predict a ten point win for the Vols over Bama. But no one is winning by ten over that lass pictured above.
Your Cure for Monday: A Beard Rap from Gainesville
This is our new national anthem on the site. Trust me that you have to get through the first minute or so when hot chicks are talking to each other and get to the music video. A tremendous tip of the beaver pelt to UF student Alyson. Just an extraordinary find. Her email:
Florida's finest, and beards. I don't think you could ask for anything more. Notice the ironic use of jorts, Joakim Noah's backup dancing, and Al Horford and Taurean Grean BGIDing.
Amazing is truly the only word. Each time I think I truly hate Florida, they go and draw me back in again with this brilliance.
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Colt McCoy. For three reasons: 1. the win over Oklahoma 2. the fact that his first name is Daniel. Does anyone really believe that Daniel McCoy would have been the three year starter at Texas? Going with the middle name was the first correct read he ever made and 3. because his dad was so upset that he was born in New Mexico that he brought Texas dirt and put it underneath the bed so he could say his son was born over Texas soil. Seriously, people from Texas make other southerners look insane. But we applaud this pan-southernism. (By the way, the Georgia fan in the above picture is wearing a classy, "If you don't Knowshon you don't know shit." t-shirt. Thanks to Brock for the image.) On to the mailbag:
Greg writes:
I noticed you were standing next to Jonathan Crompton in the pic. He was looking at you like he had read your article naming him an early candidate for All-Time Most Hated Vol.
Good thing your head WAS on a swivel. Crompton may have blindsided you. After all, he has nothing else to do on the sidelines.
The whole time I was standing on the sideline, I was thinking, what if Jonathan Crompton just decided to elbow me as hard as he could in the face? What would I do? Other than bleed, that is. I'd probably deserve it and I couldn't do anything. It would be my own Jim Rome getting attacked by Jim Everett moment. I kept wondering whether he knew me and hated me even more than I've hated his quarterbacking play.
Because a surprising amount of UT football players recognize me from the book and the column. I do have to keep my head on a swivel now.
Just before we left for Georgia, while we're sitting outside the Neyland-Thompson sports complex, UT center Josh McNeil stops and points at me. "You're the guy from the book," he said.
So we talk for a while and I make a comment about how bad the season is going and the fact that we need to get a win. McNeil looks at me and says, "Imagine how much worse it feels to get the crap kicked out of you for 60 plays."
Which made me feel like a tool. Here he is getting wrecked on the field and I'm just sitting there complaining. Of course he did exaggerrate. Tennessee's offense hasn't been on the field for 60 plays unless you combine a couple of games.
I so wanted to ask Josh then about the drunk girls in his bedroom from last season, but instead I just nodded. Point being, Crompton might try and take me out. If not now then certainly next year on the book tour. My only hope is that his punches have the same crisp precision as his passes. Namely, none.
Dear Clay, After reviewing Tony Franklin's wikipedia page I've noticed he's authored a few books. I'm giddy about the one he is sure to write about his time on the Planes. What should the title be, "Catch A Tiger by the Tail" or "Tiger or Prison: A Season in Stripes"
Your Friend, David from Birmingham
How about Spread Eagle: One Man's Battle to Bring Auburn's Offense Out of the 19th Century It would probably be a bestseller in Alabama with Tide fans. Maybe even with Auburn fans who hate Tommy Tuberville. By the way, the idea that Auburn would fire Tuberville is the most laughably dense thing I've ever heard. Seriously, this makes Ole Miss firing Cutcliffe seem like downright genius. There is no way in hell, I reiterate, no way in hell, that Auburn is going to get half the coach of Tuberville to come to Auburn.
Maybe I just feel this way because I'm an outsider, but I've always been impressed by what Tuberville has done at Auburn. Firing him would be the dumbest possible decision Auburn athletics could make. Like replacing the eagle with a dove. But I like Spread Eagle, that's a solid title.
Kim writes:
Clay, I know you watch The Hills. We have a dispute, which girl is the hottest from a guy's perspective? My friends all think guys think LC is, but I say her boobs aren't big enough to turn heads. Thoughts?
LC isn't the hottest girl on The Hills. I've never heard a guy say this. I think it's because you never really see what her body looks like. She's always disguised. Even when there's a pool party or something she's hiding her waist. I have my doubts on her. She's the most sane, perhaps...those mascara crying scenes are gold I tell you, gold. But the hottest, no way.
On to your question, I think most guys would agree with me that Audrina is the hottest. And if not Audrina then I think you have to go with Heidi. Although everything about Heidi just seems way too fake. I'm sure Audrina is fake too (and her huge teeth that are so incredibly white and overwhelming her mouth don't help either) but I think she's the hottest. And by hottest what I mean is, girl that a guy would most like to have sex with. Lo isn't even on the radar screen. Her eyes are so close together I feel like she wouldn't see you while you were having sex from behind. Even if she was turning her head to try and look at you. Which, come to think of it, could be a good thing.
But the tits argument on LC could be dispositive. For a while in college I subscribed to the T and T theory. Tits and Teeth. Although now that I'm married I may not be the arbiter of perfect taste anymore. For instance, I'm being ridiculed of late for insisting that you have to start at the ground and work your way up when you're analyzing a woman's hotness. Several of my friends are adherents of the forehead down method, but my eyes always go up rather than down. This isn't insane, right? You confirm you like the body and then you focus on the face. My friends argue that you have to confirm the face and then you go to the body. I'm interested in other opinions. Someone has to agree with me, men or women, right?
Anyway, last week I asked about Reggie Cobb's wikipedia page where it says that he led the nation in touchdowns as a senior. That made no sense to me because he was kicked off the team then after testing positive for cocaine. I asked for someone to prove this.
Enter reader Steven Hinson:
Here are Reggie Cobb's career stats taken from here. Apparently it was his sophomore year that he led the country in TD's.
Reggie was on his way to contending for the Heisman in 1989 but then the white powder took him down. Good research. We've discovered a wikipedia error. I've never been so proud of us.
It says Chris Rainey took Human Sexuality at UF because he thought it was going to be "like stuff on TV."
This is a great article and I hadn't already seen it. I'd make fun of Chris Rainey for this if I didn't know a ton of guys and girls who took Human Sexuality at GW so they could watch the porno movie scenes. That and listen to hot girls talk about sex. So, join the club Chris. Quite a bit of this stuff was disappointing. By the way, I'm reading a book right now called, Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters? A very accessible book on evolutionary biology that offers explanations for why we do everything we do. Basically to procreate.
Anyway, my favorite part from the article is the quote leading into the Wal-Mart racing challenge.
“As soon as you lay eyes on Chris, he has a smile that totally captivates you,” Frank said. (Neglecting to add no homo: C'lay edit)
“It’s intoxicating. (His smile will) grab you and just makes you smile.”
Rainey’s skills became so well-known that current West Virginia and former North Fort Myers High running back Noel Devine called him with a challenge. He wanted to meet in the local Wal-Mart parking lot for a race.
Rainey won. Several times.
If you don't love the idea of two future college stars meeting in a Wal-Mart parking lot for a footrace, then you aren't human. There's a movie here, I know it.
Jo Marchi writes:
"Clay,
Had a woman try out for our basketball team by the name of D’Ambra Evans. That’s not the good part: full name = D]Ambra Michel'le Evans.
If only it was e’vans…..Would have been a hat trick!
Congrats on all the new stuff- I’m loving it, but its tough to stay caught up!!"
Wow, the apostrophe hat trick, you've given us all a new challenge. We've got to find one.
I never even thought of sliding the apostrophe into the middle name where it could otherwise stay hidden. Is there a place for apostrophes on those scantron sheets that you fill out for the SAT and ACT? If not, how confusing must this be for the kids?
I mean, the apostrophe baffles google too. You see when I cut and paste emails into the mailbag sometimes they don't come through correctly.
But the apostrophe hat trick? Will wonders never cease? The world is a bright and strange place. Filled with ''''''
Okay, I'm in Asheville with Lara and Fox, off to the Biltmore and the Thomas Wolfe museum.
Fox is making his first trip to Neyland tomorrow for the Miss. State game. He's going to be scarred for life. But at least he's got a nifty Vol outfit thanks to Grandma.
The delay on this is on me. To make up for this horrible transgression we have not one but two questions for Rachel this week. Enjoy. And, as always, send in your questions for her to clay.travis@gmail.com.
Paul writes:
"Rachel, have you ever dated a guy who wears sleeveless t-shirts to football games? If so, why? If not, which girls at Florida actually date these guys?"
No, I have never dated a guy who wears sleeveless t-shirts to football games. I don't even know any guys at UF who wear sleeveless t-shirts to football games. This may be because I don't associate with guys who would ever wear sleeveless t-shirts in public. I did however, see an LSU fan in Gainesville today wearing a sleeveless t-shirt at the grocery store. Obviously, Gator fans are not the only ones guilty of this fashion faux pas. I assume that the girls at UF who would date these guys are the same girls who wear the cut-off jorts with platform flip-flops to the games..but that's just a guess
Jim writes:
"Rachel, admit that there are a ton of people from outside of the South at Florida. Which people from out-of-state are the least popular on campus among the people from the South?"
Jim, I will admit that there are a lot of people from outside of the South at UF. However, most of those people come from South Florida, not out-of-state. Almost everyone I know from out-of-state at UF is from somewhere in the South. The South Florida kids are definitely the least popular on campus among the people from the South because it is such a culture clash. They hang out at different bars, have a different accent, and wear different clothes. It is very easy to spot a South Florida guy on campus because all of them wear tons of hair gel with graphic t-shirts and cargo shorts. This is something that many Southerners at UF find shameful. In fact, Southerners blame all of the bad stereotypes on the South Florida kids, for example, the cut-off t-shirt thing.
I was browsing the new Rivals 250 for 2009, and I came across a man named Bar'Kevious Mingo from West Monroe, LA. Knowing that you have quite an affinity for ridiculously apostrophized (?) names such as this, I figured you might be interested. What's more is that he may be gracing you and Jon Gruden with his presence in Knoxville next year. I'm sure that you have been in close contact with him throughout the recruiting process, but I couldn't take a chance on you not being aware of such a fine athlete with such a fine name.
Patrick BGID in progress
Bar'Kevious Mingo? My God, this is perfect. I love when the apostrophe separates two words that make no sense. How in the world could someone have ever come up with a name like Bar'Kevious? Any hypotheses would be appreciated. Is his mother named Barbara and his dad named Kevious? Or was his dad named Kevin but he was devious so he got the nickname Kevious?
If you clicked on that link you can see that Bar'Kevious is a 6'5 209 pound outside linebacker with scholarship offers from Alabama, LSU, Ole Miss, Tennessee, Notre Dame, UCLA, and Oklahoma among others. Seeing a guy like Bar'Kevious out there for the taking makes me wonder whether it's worth hiring a guy with an apostrophe in his name just for the recruiting value. Remember the old Seinfeld episode where George wanted Jerry to make a big deal out of sharing the same name with another guy named Jerry to break the ice? What if your assistant coach had an apostrophe and he could walk into the apostrophisized recruit's house, extend his fist and say, "Look, all these other guys are going to try to sell you on their schools, but they don't have an apostrophe in their name."
I'm convinced Bar'Kevious would commit on the spot.
I've said all this and I haven't even focused on the last name, Mingo. Having a last name like this basically convinces me he's going to LSU.
We need some research on Bar'Kevious's family. I have a sneaking suspicion that he has a sister named Sheila.
In other news, by the time you read this I'll be en route to Asheville, North Carolina for the weekend before bouncing back on Saturday to Knoxville for the Miss. State game. More mailbag to come Thursday night. Cross my heart.
CNN's Paul Begala Caught With ESPN On The Latpop Screen
I'm sure you watched last night's third Presidential debate. And by sure I mean uncertain. As you may have noted CNN has an experts and a partisans panel of about 47 people that Anderson Cooper moderates in the post-debate setting. Each of these individuals has a laptop emblazoned with the CNN sticker on the back. Ostensibly these laptops are provided so all the pundits can keep up to date with all the latest political news. Except, you know, when you're Paul Begala (or me and you) and you have to see what the latest sports headlines are.
Seeing pictures like this always reminds me of a story my criminal law professor, Don Hall, used to tell. He was in the middle of explaining unreasonable search and seizure when he said, "Okay, everyone with laptops stand up and back away from your computers." Then, for just an instant, he pretended he was going to walk around and look at what was actually on everyone's screens. Thank god Begala wasn't on www.backdoorhousewives.com That'd be much harder to explain.
Today local alternative weeklies, tomorrow Time Magazine Man of the Year. That's my career trajectory gents. Now that the Nashville Scene has pronounced me "Best Local Boy Done Good" in this week's issue. Now the brusque email from the Nashville Scene's intern asking for my address and the subsequent invitation to the Best of Nashville soiree makes an awful lot more sense.
It's my understanding that I beat out a real heavyweight crew of Nashvillians to lock down this award. Or there was no one else. I'm trending toward the first. Although, deep research on F list celebrities from Nashville couldn't turn anyone up other than M.J. Garrett. And he's clearly more deserving than I am. Or at least he would be if Frank hadn't beaten him in a feat of strength in the Real World/Road Rules Challenge.
In the print edition I'm sharing a page with the best waiter from Nashville, best baseball prospect, best Titan, and, one I wish I had won instead, best user of the F-word.
Hamilton confirmed that some boosters have discussed Fulmer's possible replacement, but said those conversations have been limited.
More than just a .500 record, Fulmer is also fighting off apathy from UT’s fan base.
“You don't want apathy,” Hamilton said. “Apathy is a program killer.”
And not just the football program.
More than 80 percent of UT’s athletic department revenue comes from football, meaning apathy could harm most every sport on campus if allowed to grow unfettered.
“I think there's some fan apathy out there, yeah, without question, but I do think there's a lot of people that still want to be a part of that (Tennessee football) experience,” Hamilton said.
Hamilton said finances won't be an issue if a change is made. He said there is a $7 million reserve in place to cover such unforeseen expenses. That would nearly cover the cost of the football coaches’ buyouts, which Hamilton said could be over $7.5 million. That figure depends on whether coaches are hired elsewhere.
For those of you who are Kentucky fans the UT head coaching situation is beginning to eerily resemble the Tubby Smith imbroglio. Both coaches win a championship in 1998, meet with decent success after, but are never able to recapture what they've lost. Football is king at Tennessee and basketball is king at Kentucky. But the opposite sports start to rise in the SEC. Kentucky has back-to-back Music City Bowl wins and 8 win seasons in football, Tennessee is the defending SEC champs and has been a 2, a 4, and a 2 seed in the past three NCAA Tournaments.
The primary difference is that unlike Tubby Smith's jump to Minnesota Phil Fulmer is not going to leave Tennessee for another coaching job. But in the same way that UK fans were shocked when their AD came out and addressed the Tubby issue midseason, I have to admit I'm pretty shocked that it happened yesterday in Vol-land. Things are ominous on Rocky Top, ominous indeed.
As an aside, I've been very impressed with Mike Hamilton during our conversations and his hire of Bruce Pearl proves that he can make a difficult decision when need-be, but, man, I'd be lying if I said I saw this interview coming. Put plainly, you don't give this interview if it's your goal to lower the pressure on your coach.
More Pterodactyl Genius from Loser With Socks; Also Radio Show
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
This speaks for itself. First ths stacheout, and now this. Pure genius.
Also, a reminder, the ClayNation radio show (now expanded from 7-9 central each Tuesday night on Nashville's 104.5) will be on tonight. We've got a good show and a great guest, Mark Schlabach from ESPN.com, who is writing a book about Georgia this fall. As always you can listen live here. You can also call us at 615-737-1045.
What's More Effective Than a Blackout? A Stacheout
Courtesy of reader John Casey comes this fine email pointing out that some enterprising Georgia fans staged their own Stacheout for the Tennessee game. "Apparently some Georgia fans decided that the key to a victory over the Vols was a Stacheout. It must provide the extra oomph that a Blackout can't."
Now unlike a whiteout or a blackout or any other color + out, this has some potential. Especially if exapanded to beards. Can you imagine how awesome it would be if Tennessee had a beardout for the Alabama game? The entire stadium would be BGID, this would have to lift the Vols to victory, right? Amazingly CBS has yet to decide whether to carry LSU-Georgia or UT-Alabama. Assuming the programmers aren't complete and total fools, UT-Alabama will be a night game on ESPN. Who's with me on a beardout for the 'Bama game?
Just imagine, John Parker Wilson (who clearly can't grow a beard) goes under center and then happens to look up into the stands and see that he's surrounded by over 80,000 men with beards dressed entirely in orange screaming at him. Are you telling me this wouldn't be effective?
You've got 11 days to start growing them for the ESPN cameras. Beards+night+alcohol= more sex in Knoxville than Heath Shuler's freshman year. Remember who to thank when your night turns golden.
First, I'd like to thank Doug and Jake who got me home on Saturday night in style. After I put out a plea requesting a ride back from Athens to Nashville, they responded in rapid fashion, offering up their luxury cruiser bus in the process. So mere moments after the game, I was kicking back with a beer and on the road back to Nashville. Their bus had two 37 inch flat-screen televisions plus two satellite dishes. So we watched LSU-Florida, Missouri-Oklahoma State, Oregon-UCLA, and Game 2 of the ALCS in style. Thanks a ton to those guys and to the others of you who emailed offering any help at all. Everything was much appreciated. Except the result from the game.
My play calls of "throw it to the guy they don't cover" and "run the football" were summarily tossed aside.
As you can see, I had a very close view of the loss. More pictures to come. But if you were watching the game on CBS and you thought to yourself, who is that guy with the beard that looks like Clay Travis on the sideline? Yeah, it was me.
By the time this post goes up I'll be on the UT team bus en route to Athens. Well, Duluth actually. We're staying there for the night. Regardless of what happens in Saturday's game, I don't have a ride back to Nashville. So if by chance you're reading this, will be at the game, have an extra seat, and are driving back to Nashville on Saturday night, email and I might join you. My requirements are simple, Vol or Dawg, all I ask is that you be sane. Or insane and have large breasts. Seriously, shoot me a line at clay.travis@gmail.com if anyone reading this fits these strict parameters. Otherwise my plan is to ride to Atlanta and get a rental car somewhere in the city and drive back.
In case you're wondering the UT team is flying back to Knoxville and there are limited seats on the planes. Ergo I have to find my own way back to Nashville. You might be wondering, well, how are you getting to Knoxville? The answer is simple, my mom is driving me. That's not a joke. I've got a lunch packed and everything.
Anyway, our beaver pelt trader of the week is the pterodactyl. I realize this is a bit controversial seeing as how it's a prehistoric bird that doesn't exist anymore. And I don't think I've ever given the beaver pelt to an extinct animal. But I can feel it in my bones, this is the right decision. This is made even more so judging by the number of pterodactyl emails I've gotten from y'all. But Jimmy Bowles' emailed image takes the cake. His email said as follows: "I think this should be the official logo of the 2008 UT football team. Maybe the cover of your new book. You can always replace the car with Coach Fulmer. Enjoy." It's the image linked above. So congrats to the pterodactyl on the bptotw. I hope the Great Tit bird isn't jealous.
Derek writes:
Clay,
What do you think about the talk of Will Muschamp to the Vols? We could bring back Trooper Taylor as OC and we would lead the nation in chest bumps.
Unless and until he becomes addicted to laudanum I will continue to support John Bell Hood Chavis as defensive coordinator. Now, Trooper at offensive coordinator, you might be on to something there. Although, to be fair, according to Dave Clawson SEC defenses aren't very complicated. Well, thank God. Imagine how few points we would have scored if they'd actually been complicated.
Does anyone else get the sense that our offense is the equivalent of trying to buy a .50 cent coke with a hundred dollar bill? I just keep picturing Clawson standing in front of the machine wanting to know why the machine won't take his money. Meanwhile Mark Richt has got a roll full of quarters and is using straws to spit Coke at us. Maybe this is just me.
Joag writes:
I'd add Sarah Silverman and Ellen Degeneres to this list (my list of the funniest women). And, I take issue with Harriet Tubman being on there. Tubman stole all of her jokes from Sojourner Truth and everybody knows it!! I'd keep Tina Fey #1 though.
Sojourner Truth vs. Harriet Tubman is one of the great underdiscussed humor feuds. Word is Truth stopped opening the door for Tubman after Harriet stole an underground railroad joke that ended with this punchline, "So, I declare, we hid behind the South Star!!!!"
Lots of nominees for most-hated Vols. Here are a few that were emailed in:
Ward writes: -James “Little Man” Stewart—in 1993 he fumbled on the goal line without being touched really, against Alabama. We tied UT that year. I think it was 1994 he did it again, against Alabama. My step dad cursed him any time I brought up his name.
-Rain—there in the early 2000s, every time it rained, UT lost whether it was against Alabama in 2002 or Florida I think in the same year. There were a few other examples.
Those would be the ones I remember. I would throw in Jerry Greene also in basketball for his general suckiness and wearing a mock turtle neck all the damn time.
Rain is a particularly inspired selection here. You would have thought Knoxville was in the desert for the way UT played in the rain. Best thing about the rain stories? Phil Fulmer would always be quoted the next day saying something like this, "Dadgum rain, I don't know what to do. We work like heck on wet ball drills. I guess we'll have to get the hose out and work on wet balls again."
Every sentence from Coach Fulmer about wet balls made me cringe. That and hoses. I'm cringing now. So are you. Sorry.
Greg Payne writes:
John Snodgrass – Primarily, this is because I’m from the Chattanooga area and had to read about how awesome he was during his high school years at McCallie only to see him be a 7 foot waste of space on the basketball court at UT
Gerald Riggs – Same deal..Chattanooga area, huge hype, at least he had one good year.
Reggie Cobb – Just for pissing away talent.
Confession: I don't even remember John Snodgrass. Was he better or worse than Boomer Herndon? As for Riggs, I disagree because he eventually had one good year and then got injured against Alabama and missed another year.
Reggie Cobb is pretty inspired though. God, he was awesome. Remember how we had the CobbWebb rushing attack for like one game? I remember thinking that nickname was the most brilliant thing ever. Then Chuck Webb got injured against Pacific and Cobb got busted snorting cocaine. Talk about a rough season.
My favorite thing about Reggie Cobb was how my dad defended him when he got busted. I was 11 and this was in the midst of the Just Say No campaign. What did dad say? "Clay, Reggie still rushed for over 100 yards even though he knew he was going to fail his drug test. That had to be weighing on him, but he still played well." Seriously, he said this.
Also, is it just me or is Cobb's wikipedia page wrong? It says he led college football in rushing his senior year, but didn't he get kicked off the team his final year? Is this wrong? Someone has to know. Make us proud.
Just when I thought this was bad, I went to look up Chuck Webb's wikipedia page and he doesn't even have one. This is absurd. We have to remedy this.
Because, I know, right now you're thinking to yourself but what does Clay think about a match-up of two ACC teams on Thursday night football. I absolutely, positively cannot switch back and forth between this and The Office without knowing what Clay thinks of these two teams. I feel your pain. Here's the link to my Deadspin preview.
Incidentally, there's a real question about whether I'm going to be able to stay up and watch this whole game. Why? Last night I went to bed at 7. 7! My wife came into hte bedroom at 9:30 and was like, "You're already asleep. Even Fox was up until 8:30 tonight." I don't even remember the last time I went to bed at 8 or 9 and I went to bed at 7. My life is over. I might as well go ahead and move into the old folks' home up the street.
Worse, I feel like I could go to sleep again right now. Instead I'm going to the Kentucky-South Carolina kickoff party with the Kentucky alumni association. Actually, maybe I will go to bed.
This is what it looked like when I left Deadspin. Except without the boatshoes and the Auburn shirt. And the attractive girl to give me a hug goodbye. And the Hyundai. Basically I think you get my gist. It was similar in every way and none. Thanks to Doug for the emailed link.
Word is Kodi Burns was going to help Franklin move but he showed up at the wrong office complex.
Several Auburn fans came up to me in the Nashville bars on Saturday night and said Franklin was out and that it would be announced on Wednesday. I laughed it off then. Guess this news was out there already. Is this going to make Tony Franklin's out-of-print book more or less valuable on Amazon?
The police were called after he got into an altercation of some sort in the bathroom of a fancy Dallas hotel. I'm surprised it took this long for allegations to arise. You're letting us down Pac. The Cowboys have already completed their investigation and aren't going to punish him. As an aside, how awesome would it be to be the lawyer in charge of investigating things like this for the Cowboys? Can I get that job? Why aren't they punishing him?
According to an investigation conducted by team security, the team official said Jones did get into a brief scuffle with the bodyguard that was assigned to the defensive back for a private event Tuesday night at a Dallas hotel.
The bodyguard, an off-duty policeman who is part of a security detail assigned to Jones, told team security that some "kidding around" and "playfulness" between himself and the player resulted in a brief scuffle in a restroom. A vanity mirror suffered minor damage.
Oh, it was just "kidding around" and "playfulness?" Right, of course, it was. If there's anyone who personifies kidding around and playfulness it's Pacman.
Just when you thought it was only toothpick fish you had to worry about swimming into your penis while you urinate, well, think again. Courtesy of reader Matthew P. comes the following sad story. Matthew adds, "Toothpick fish mentality now invading our homes!!! In case you have a fish tank, I thought you would want to know about this. They seem to be lurking in our homes now."
The patient was admitted to hospital with complaints of pain, dribbling urine and acute urinary retention spanning a 24-hour period. According to the boy, the fish slipped into his penis while he was cleaning his aquarium at home.
Professor Vezhaventhan and Professor Jeyaraman, who treated the boy and later wrote a paper on the case, explained: "While he was cleaning the fish tank in his house, he was holding a fish in his hand and went to the toilet for passing urine. When he was passing urine, the fish slipped from his hand and entered his urethra and then he developed all these symptoms."
Can you imagine being a 14 year old boy and having to admit that there was a fish inside your penis? Also, I don't buy the explanation given here. Let's say you do decide to go to the bathroom while holding a fish, how does the fish slip out of your hand and end up inside your penis? The doctors completely gloss over this as if it's completely understandable how this happens: "...the fish slipped from his hand and entered his urethra..."
Fact: A fish is bigger than a peehole. Hypothesis: Things that are bigger than other things don't fall inside smaller things. There's no physics that would allow this to happen. Explanatory Theory: Unless, that is, people in India pee while holding their penis facing upwards in an effort to make a nice pee rainbow. Otherwise, the penis head is facing down.
There's only one other possibility. This Indian boy's penis has a capture-mode like in the old Galaga video game. Remember when you'd intentionally slide inside the capture rings so you could get two fighters at the same time and absolutely destroy the bonus rounds? If the Indian boy's penis can do this he might have sucked the fish out of the air and brought it into the urethra. Otherwise, we've got some weird sexual play going on here. I'm betting on the latter.
Your hypotheses and theories, as always, are welcome.
Today I had the good fortune to start off the morning reading to some of Nashville's finest fourth graders. My friend Morgan (an Auburn grad who is still recovering from the Vandy loss and Tony Franklin's firing) has been encouraging her kids to read and behave by dangling a visit from me as the reward. She built me up into a huge star and had her class gain "Claypoints" before I was allowed to come visit.
Which is ironic because I also have to earn Claypoints so my wife will sleep with me. This is a joke...I think.
The class had to earn 25 points and she kept a tally on the dry-erase board. They'd spent the past month earning the points. Although, in kid-speak, this meant it had taken, "100 years." So by 9 in the morning when I arrived the kids were worked into a frenzy. In Morgan's words, "They would have been upset if George Clooney showed up instead of you."
I brought copies of my book and showed them the pictures. Then I read someone else's book about negro monkeys in Brazil. Seriously, negro monkeys. Of all the books in the world this is the one that was handded to me to read. All the kids sucked in their mouths when I used the word negro. I guess the Quatroon Harlot series I grew up loving so much isn't still in print. Anyway, now a class made up predominently of minority kids is going to go home and tell their parents that the famous author Clay Travis (who the parents have never heard of before) showed up and read a story to them about negro monkeys. Awesome.
This is the second Metro-Nashville school I've gone to read for in the past year. Last time I read a book called "Cracker Johnny" about a poor white kid who steals lollipops from Mexicans. Pretty soon I'm going to be elected Mayor. Especially if I keep taking Fox along for the ride and reading about negro monkeys and crackers.
Courtesy of reader Chad comes this comment. "Arian Foster's favorite new war plane." I'd be lying to you if I said Arian Foster speaking pterodactyl hasn't been the only thing getting me through the stock market's collapse.
Arian tells me that the pterodactyl joke is getting way too much attention. I disagree. That's why I just texted him that if he scores a touchdown he has to break out the pterodactyl wings in celebration. We both agree this would be funny. Of course Tennessee's offense has to score for this to happen. Stay tuned. But I'm hoping against hope for pterodactyl wings.
Pterodactyls may have gone extinct millions of years ago, but a newly designed spy plane could bring the flying reptiles to life, albeit replacing blood and guts with carbon fiber and batteries.
"The next generation of airborne drones won't just be small and silent," the design team announced recently. "They'll alter their wing shapes using morphing techniques to squeeze through confined spaces, dive between buildings, zoom under overpasses, land on apartment balconies, or sail along the coastline."
As a general rule of life, I don't let ten year olds drive my van while I'm drunk. It's not that I'm opposed to 10 year old drivers, just that it's hard to explain away my "Buy this dad a beer" t-shirts. That's when irony meets stupidity. An intersection I try, somewhat unsuccessfully, to avoid. Courtesy of reader Matt comes this story about classy Tennesseans (are there any other kinds?)
A 10-year-old was driving up to 90 mph when he crashed a van carrying a man who told police he had drank at least 15 beers and a woman who was trying to swallow as many pills as she could when deputies arrived at the scene, Tennessee authorities said Tuesday.
Need more.
Police charged 43-year-old Randy Lewis of Bristol with seven violations, including third offense DUI and felony reckless endangerment. People can be charged with DUI in Tennessee if they own the vehicle, even if they are not driving. A booking photo released by the Sheriff's Office showed Lewis wearing a T-shirt that said, "Buy this dad a beer."
Want to avoid the opening of the debates. Unsure how to spend your time? Listen to ClayNation radio (now two hours long every Tuesday night from 7-9 central) on 104.5. Click here to listen live. As always feel free to give us a call at 615-737-1045. Tonight we're asking which coach you'd most trust in a Presidential debate and whether Bobby Johson is the son of God. Among other great topics. On to All That and a Bag of Mail:
Steven Hinson writes:
Clay,
I saw in the comments on your Deadspin article where you wanted to know the spread of the '97 Texas - UCLA game. Texas was a 10 point favorite. I believe it will be hard to find a game with more than a 73 point turnaround off the spread.
One of the many reasons I find college football so fascinating is for the ridiculous swings between the point spread and the actual outcome. Last week we had a 45 point swing when UVa beat Maryland 31-0 and Maryland was a 14 point favorite. Thanks to Steven we have a 73 point spread differential. Can anyone beat this or is this the greatest dichotomy between predicted outcome and actual result?
If so, we need to start giving an award for this discrepancy. Each year and in each sport we can give it. And by each sport I mean college football, college basketball, and the NFL. I still have no idea how to gamble on baseball or hockey and don't care enough about the NBA. Anyway, what should we call this award? Send in your nominations. I'm thinking of calling it the Brian Austin Green (B.A.G.) by virtue of BAG taking down Tennessee native Megan Fox. That's as huge of a swing between men and women as I've seen lately. Especially given BAG's prior dating history. But I'm open to other naming suggestions.
Hunter writes:
Clay, I bet you never thought you'd wish Sarah Jessica John Parker Wilson was your QB.
I would wear panties for the rest of the football season if JPW would grace us with his presence. Seriously, panties. Maybe even thongs. If we had JPW, we'd be 4-1 right now. Does anyone dispute this? This is JPW's ultimate revenge for me making fun of his hair. In the game at Knoxville, he's going to score, take off his helmet, and do the upside down ClayNation hand sign while pulling down his Bangs even further over his eyes than they already are.
And I'm going to be crying on the UT sideline begging for him to come be our quarterback. Yep, I'm the jilted lover.
Benton writes:
Hi Clay,
I noticed you've posted the infamous Theta Topless Pic in your mailbag. One of my pledge brothers from Vandy is marrying one of them--front row, fourth from left--early next year. My question is this--am I obligated to slip this picture into the slide show at rehearsal dinner or should I just mention it in my toast?
On to the wedding questions, slipping this picture in would be incredibly bold. Because I'm guessing that a decent percentage of the wedding party would also be featured in the photo. It would definitely bring down the wedding house, but there's a high risk. I'd only say do this if you can pull it off anonymously and don't have to accept any blame when the picture drops. Then it's hysterical and you can play dumb. "What, there's a topless sorority picture out there? So crazy. Wow."
Pulling off option one would also be a good test for America's nipple obsession. Namely, it's not nudity unless you see the nipple. I've completely bought into this. Haven't you? Since I was 9 years old I've been trying to catch artfully disguised nipples in movies and pictures. It doesn't matter what other parts of the boob I can see, it's not a bare breast unless the nipple is visible. So, on that theory, these pictures shouldn't be that controversial. But, in reality, would they be?
If you have friends who were Thetas at Vandy, they'll defend to the death the idea that these pictures aren't that big of a deal. Which means it's just a coincidence that every man between the ages of 17 and 35 with any connection whatsoever to Vandy has had this picture emailed to him. Right, coincidental. So how would the average southern dad respond to this? He'd be fine with it because his daughter's nipple isn't fully revealed, right?
Yeah, thought so.
Now, your second option is even more bold--the public nudity picture mention in a toast--when it's only you to bear the brunt of the outrage. That could end very badly for you. So let me make a suggestion.
Blow up this picture to an even greater degree and find those pajamas she's wearing. Then get a recent photo of her face, blow it up and print it off in full-color. Wear the pajamas, cut out eyeholes on the photo, and go as your buddy's fiancee for Halloween. Get those same stickers and cover your nipples. Occasionally flash people. Oh, and of course you have to wear the boots too.
If she doesn't think this is funny then your buddy shouldn't be marrying her. But it will spare the wedding implosion. You'll thank me later. Great question.
Courtesy of Alabama fan Kali, comes the single most damning advertisement for Auburn Soccer Camp in the history of the universe. Honestly videos like these are why I'm glad I've got a son. Even pre-pubescent daughters can get you in trouble on youtube these days.
But, let's be honest, this girl's dancing and singing > Tony Franklin's offense.
In case you were wondering it's translated, "Veeeeek! Veeeeek! Veeeeek!" Which, to be fair, is a mistranslation. Everyone know this is truly how pterodactyl's speak, "Veeeeek! Fumble. Veeeek!"
If you had any doubt that the season has spun off the rails, your future all-time leading rusher reverting to the dinosaur-era erases them. Which, to be fair to Foster, could be a subtle knock at the paleolithic play-calling of the 2008 Vols. Or it could just be another reason why I begin every morning by reminding myself that I have a good wife and a great son. And that I own my house and have a great beard. Of course this doesn't help. When your team's season is tanking, nothing helps.
My old buddy Kige is auctioning off his fandom on eBay
Kige Ramsey wants to help advertise your bowl game and is auctioning off his ample promotional abilities on eBay. But, don't worry, he's not giving up the Kentucky Wildcats anytime soon. Hell has not frozen over.
Olympic Javelin Tosser Leryn Franco Is Also Good at Not Wearing Clothes
Monday, October 6, 2008
Because I don't want you to get fired I only post pictures of women if their nipples are covered. Because, Lord knows, if the nipple is exposed then there's no stopping the world from coming completely undone. Your boss would have to fire you. Enjoy Olympian Leryn Franco.
Especially now that I have a son I know the importance of keeping nipples away from boys who spend all day thinking about nipples either because they're hungry or because the propogation of the species demands that they do so. Even still, admit it, a nice topless photo makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside too, right?
So a while back you saw Paraguay's Leryn Franco walking into the Olympics wearing clothes. And immediately mentally undressed her. At the same time you were saying something like, "Wow, Paraguay's flag is really cool," to your wife or girlfriend. She wasn't fooled. But you thought she was. Anyway, now she's out there for all the world to see. Just as all non-WNBA athletes are supposed to be: topless on a runway. See how good you were at mentally undressing her here. As always, I'm a pro. Stories like this are why the internet exists.
College Football Roundup For Your Reading/Work-Avoidance Pleasure
Ten things that jumped out at me from the weekend. Not included is a roster of my self-realization that we have to play well to beat MAC teams now. Or that watching the Titans play the Ravens yesterday in the immediate aftermath of watching the Vols play Northern Illinois and the DVR of Vandy-Auburn, makes me feel like touchdowns are suddenly as rare as pink dolphins.
Just in case you were like me and either still watching games when SNL was on or out drinking in a bar thinking, you know, my team only beat a MAC school by four points, but I thought we looked pretty good.
Anyway, the above link proves why Tina Fey is the funniest woman in the history of womankind. Honestly, she is.
Here are my rankings:
1. Tina Fey 2. Lucille Ball 3. Jane Austen 4. Chelsea Handler 5. Harriet Tubman
As always your own nominations are much appreciated and sought after.
Beaver Pelt Trader of the Week: ClayNation Apostrophized Football Team
Friday, October 3, 2008
Occasionally true genius arrives in the mailbag. We're talking Einstein on the verge of completing his theory of relativity, Faulkner just before The Sound and the Fury was published, and Lee at Chancellorsville brilliant. When genius and the moment finally meet. Such is true with the ClayNation Apostrophe Rankings (CAR) and sports. Feast your eyes on this cornucopia of apostrophisized brilliance, the 2008 All Apostrophe football team. I honestly don't know what to say. A tremendous tip of the hat to Gordon Fletcher.
Clay,
I wanted to start an annual submission of mine to the mailbag. I was honored to receive the beaver pelt for my first submission, but I felt the need to create another list. With the 2008 college football season under way, I thought a 2008 NCAA All A'postrohpe Team should be created. We just need to find a QB. I'm sure some of these, and some from the last list, will easily make the CAR (Claynation Apostrophe Rankings). En'joy.
Di'Ivory Edgecomb RB, FL Atlantic A'mod Ned RB, FL International O'Darrius D’Haiti DB, FL Int. Ri'Chard Davis, RB, Georgia Southern Re'Keem Wilson DB, Southeastern Louisianna Ke'Onn Rutley, RB, Alcorn St. De'Vonte Whitmore TE, Arkansas-Pine Bluff De'Mack Bates. RB Grambling Bruna' Foster DB, Grambling Dont'a Hightower LB, Alabama De'Anthony Curtis RB, Arkansas T'Sharvan Bell DB, Auburn D'Antoine Hood DB, Auburn Sen'Derrick Marks DE, Auburn La'Cori Johnson WR, Southern Methodist A'Darius Medford WR, Southern Methodist Ja'Corey Shephard DB, Rice Da'Mon Cromartie-Smith, DB UTEP Tre' Newton RB, Ok St. Ter'ran Benton CB, Iowa St. Da'Rel Scott RB, Maryland
I feel like I did when I was a kid and I'd just arrived at the Christmas tree. There are so many glistening presents here (Ri'Chard, really? Odds D'Antoine Hood is a descendant of John Bell Hood? ) that I don't even know what to think or do. Except sound like Tiny Tim. God bless you Gordon Fletcher, god bless you everyone.
Carl Williams writes:
Clay,
We have proof that the apostrophe has changed the course of our world.
For those of you who aren't reading the article, Palin won her first election in 1995by defeating a woman named R'Nita Rogers. Yep, for one golden moment in the Alaskan sun, the only thing standing between Sarah Palin and the Vice-Presidential nomination was a woman named R'Nita.
In the wake of last night's Vice-Presidential debate, it's important to note how fickle the line is between political success and failure. By the way, is anyone who gives a shoutout during a debate allowed to ever be President? Can we amend the Constitution to restrict this? More importantly, would anyone of any political persuasion actually be opposed? Imagine if Barack Obama had given a shoutout to anyone. Then the shoutout (like the fist pound) would have turned into this huge cultural phenomenon. About fifteen years after the phrase had any coolness associated with it. Conservatives would be wringing their hands claiming that Obama was sending coded messages to terrorists.
By the way, we're still in need of a ClayNation apostrophe graphic. Someone needs to design it. Y'all have been so good at responding to other questions and whatnot but have somehow forgotten the single most important request: proper respect for the apostrophe.
But after all this, our beaver pelt trader of the week award is going to David Williams of Vanderbilt University. Prof. Williams is the de facto head of Vanderbilt athletics and also holds the distinction of having taught me at Vanderbilt Law School. He's a great guy, even if he did give me a B- for no reason whatsoever. He's pictured above. Gordon Fletcher gets an honorary beaver pelt.
Is Crompton already the most hated athlete in UT sports history?
Rick Smith writes:
Clay,
Is it possible that Jonathon Crompton is the most hated athlete in the history of UT sports?
Wow, this is a great question that demonstrates how rapidly Crompton has fallen. From many UT fans calling for him to replace Erik Ainge last season to now, after only four starts, to many UT fans hating him.
I think this is indicative of how the internet has made everything move faster, including fan hate. Of course Crompton hasn't endeared himself to fans with his media responses after losses. The haters can keep doubting him after UCLA. Okay, they did. We were a few plays away against Florida. Okay, again. To worst of all, after the Auburn game professing that he wasn't sure how he performed that he'd have to look at the tape. Right.
As a general rule, I'm going to say that if you go 8-23 for 67 yards, don't complete a pass in the entire fourth quarter, and lose a football game that you don't need to check the film out to see how you played. But maybe that's just me. What do I know? After all, I'm not an X's and O's expert.
But, anyway, the question is a good one. Who is the most hated Vol athlete of all time? Amazingly, Crompton has surged up the list with his peculiar combination of arrogance, poor play, and generally dubious intelligence (trash talking the wrong Gator after getting decked on a quarterback draw while trailing 27-0). Prior to the UCLA game Crompton wouldn't have even been in the top 100 list of most-hated Vols.
Anyway, here's my top 3 list. Please send me your own nominations and eventually we'll revise it and make it longer. My criteria were as follows: a. you have to be prominent enough to be recognized by the average fan. Ergo, someone like Brian Darden who signed as a top running back recruit and never really saw the field despite pronouncements that he was the next Herschel won't count. b. even though he's not an athlete, Wade Houston has to be included. Just for complete and utter incompetence.
1. Tony Harris- Any list has to begin and end with Harris. No one choked more when the games really counted than Harris. Yet, every NCAA tournament you'd find yourself sitting in front of the television thinking, "This is our year, Tony's going to hit his shots and we're going to be unstoppable." Then we'd lose in the first round to Charlotte. To his credit he was a four year starter. To his discredit he never got a single bit better in four years. He was always infuriating.
2. Charles Hathaway- Another member of the Jerry Green era teams. What a clown show those years were. Hathaway was a McDonald's All-American who began talking about making the Final Four as a freshman. Then he did nothing to help make this happen. He was a fellow Nashvillian who was entirely overhyped. I think we're the same age. Which means I'm going to be out this weekend and Hathaway is going to stuff me into a garbage dumpster. Which sucks.
What sucks even more is that, inevitably, as he attempts to dunk me into the garbage dumpster Hathaway will trip, fall down, and throw me into the side of the dumpster. Rendering me more injured than I otherwise would have been.
3. Jonathan Crompton- I think it's way to early to make him the most-hated ever, but he's headed in that direction.
4. Wade Houston- Yeah, it's a bit jarring that a coach who lost 20 games could be below Crompton. But let's be clear, Wade gave us Allan. Jonathan has only thrown the football really hard.
5. The Clausen brothers- For all his success at UT, I never really got the feeling that anyone ever liked Casey. Of course, if we had Casey now we'd be 3-1, but he never really fit in that well with the fanbase. Perhaps it was a merely a sign of when he arrived, after the line-up of quarterbacks that included Heath Shuler, Peyton Manning, and Tee Martin, but Casey was cursed. Put it this way, you'd take a bullet for any of those quarterbacks I just mentioned. Would you even take a papercut on Casey's behalf?
Didn't think so.
Don't even get me started on Rick. The only thing that spares him from being higher on this list was his sub-par talent. I'll admit it, I liked him better than Casey.
A preview of the college football weekend will be up on Deadspin shortly. I'll link it then. Until that glorious moment, enjoy three attractive women rocking the ClayNation hand sign in the immediate aftermath of Georgia-USC in a Columbia bar.
Remember when I told you there are lots of hot women in the ClayNation? Yeah, that wasn't a lie.
Enjoy. More mailbag forthcoming. (By the way, you can click on the pictures on the right side of the screen to see other ClayNation hand sign photos.)
More mailbag coming later in the day. Including, be still your racing hearts, more apostrophe madness to come. Including an all-apostrophe football team? Yeah, you bet.
Vols All-Time Leading Rusher, Travis Henry, Is Montana Drug Magnate
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Word is UT message boards iummediately lit up with fan anger. Seems many Vol fans would prefer Arian Foster deal drugs than fumble inside the five-yard line. Which makes sense. After all, 6 kilos of cocaine never made anyone feel worse than they felt before a football game. And who cares if Travis Henry can read? He was The Cheese man, The Cheese.
The case has its roots in Montana, where a trooper and DEA agent stopped a car that was carrying six pounds of marijuana and about three kilograms of cocaine on Sept. 16, the affidavit said.
A passenger in the car, whose name was not disclosed in the affidavit, told authorities Mack and Henry had supplied him with the drugs, which he was supposed to deliver to customers in Billings. The man said he was supposed to be paid $5,000 for delivering the drugs and transporting about $63,600 in sales proceeds to Henry, according to the affidavit.
The affidavit indicated that separately, the passenger and another customer in Billings already owed Henry about $40,000 in drug proceeds. The passenger told authorities Henry had threatened him and his family over the debt.
Montana? Am I the only person who sees this as an HBO series? The retired black running back sees Montana as fertile drug territory but ends up in a gangland war with the white cattle rancher. It's like Lonesome Dove meets the The Wire. You bring in Travis's illegitimate children for occasional cameos. (Henry's not my own.) Maybe a few flashbacks to his UT football career.
Like the time Travis Henry stole my next door neighbor's speakers (he was a baseball player at UT) in Gibbs Hall, was caught on tape, denied it, and then later confessed to Coach Fulmer, "Okay, I did it, but I just want you to know coach, I would never steal from a football player."
Hope your Thursday is going great. Mine is superb. I just got back from the Y to find four police cars, an amublance, and a fire truck parked outside my house. Seems my dad arrived to help with Fox, the alarm was on, and he couldn't remember how to turn it off.
Then, mere moments, after they left. People showed back up because my dad also didn't know the safety code word. Anyway, the only purpose my alarm has served so far, thankfully, is to accidentally go off at inopportune hours.
Which, in a clever and consistent segue, brings us to an update on the UT quarterback debate. Not can Nick Stephens read defenses, withstand the blitz, or hand in the pocket before taking off but, most importantly of all, can he bear the brunt of the sun's rays. Namely, as a red-headed quarterback, can he avoid sunburn injury. (By the way, my co-host on the ClayNation radio show, Chad Withrow, reports that Major Applewhite was a redheaded quarterback who was successful so we have that to rely on.)
Anyway, from deep inside the UT program comes the answer to our mailbag ruminations from yesterday about Nick Stephens and sunburns. If you missed those ruminations here's a pertinent extract. You could just scroll down but I know y'all are lazy.
All of this doesn't even include what happens if we end up with a red-headed quarterback in Nick Stephens. Has there ever been a successful red-headed quarterback? Will he sunburn easily? Are we lucky this is a night game to protect his epidermis? Is Coach Fulmer going to have to update his injury report each week with the status of Nick Stephen's sunburns? "We're working like heck to get better but Nick has a sunburn that makes it hurt to put pads on." For the rest of the season, assuming the world doesn't end, we're going to have to root for cloudy skies or cool weather. Which is unfortunate because you know we're going to be on JP/LF/Raycom a ton now that we're so bad.
Here's the rapid-fire answer.
Eric writes:
Ok, true story…after the UAB game (a day game) Nick’s face was sunburned a little…he wore eye black stickers…so no sunburn there. He looked like Nelly with two white patches under his eyes…looked great.
I can vouch 100% for the accuracy of this report. So now all we need to do is cover Nick Stephens completely in eye black stickers and he'll be fine. He'll look like Ryan Perrilloux of course, but he'll be fine as long as we keep him away from the riverboat casinos.
Looking ahead to the schedule Georgia a 3:30 eastern CBS kickoff (Florida-LSU is the night game on CBS as a doubleheader). So can Alex withstand the Georgia sunshine?
Also, more ominously, is it just me or does Stephens look like Ron Weasley from the Harry Potter books and movies? That's why I've included the above picture. The broken wand symbolizes UT's broken offense, not Stephens' impotence. We've gone from Ricky Vaughn to Ron Weasley in one week.
I'm thinking we should just decide our next quarterback by insisting that all of them grow a beard. The one most capable of becoming BGID gets the job. Deal?
Last night during the ClayNation radio show, MTSU was hosting Florida Atlantic. MTSU decided to be very original and roll with the blackout theme. Which for about 59:56 looked like it was going to be as successful as Georgia's blackout was. But then a miracle arrived courtesy of MTSU's Joe Craddock. Enjoy.
Think this looks familiar. Check out the Kentucky game from two weeks ago. Can you imagine if they'd pulled off two hail mary's in the same season? The play is called Hope after MTSU offensive coordinator's daughter.
To celebrate here's a picture of Vandy's Theta's posing topless as a group. You're welcome. This news is not particularly sports-related but then most of what I write about isn't particularly sports related.
You know things are going your way when you can announce the elimination of need-based loans on the same week that your undefeated football team hosts ESPN and College Gameday. Seriously, Vanderbilt as a university is on fire.
Now let's work on getting those need-based loans retroactively axed so my six-figures in tuition debt doesn't look so imposing. My guess is, though, that this doesn't apply to grad school tuition. Nevertheless a really good move by Vanderbilt. It's always shocked me that people believe all Vandy Law students are rich. I know a ton more people with six-figure law school debt than I do with million dollar trust funds.
I think I speak for everyone when I say, please don't let this mean ugly girls are going to start going to Vandy.
Check back later this afternoon for my interview with Jonathan Crompton's arm.
Yesterday I asked for someone to come forward and claim responsibility for the ClayNation hand sign on Gameday and today reader Kevin Killips brought the goods. Sending me photos of him rocking the ClayNation hand sign in the midst of the crowd after his sign referencing John Parker Wilson, 'Bama Bangs, and the lack of bangs protection when it came to teabagging was destroyed.
Nevertheless, he persevered. Quoth Kevin: "Following the game, I tried using the sign to avoid being taunted by Bama fans... to no avail. In other news, my ACC loving roommates in Atlanta who recorded the show for me wondered why I was representing the Wu Tang Clan at gameday - oh well.
BGID and Go Dawgs"
I believe Kevin has raised the ClayNation sign bar. Incidentally, thanks to all the callers on the radio show last night as well. We had loaded lines throughout. Starting next week we're moving to two hours 7-9 every Tuesday. More radio updates forthcoming.
Travis has become enamored of several objects, phrases or events which he frequenly references in the column. Among the most frequent:
'Bama Bangs - a term coined by Travis to refer to southern men's hairstyles that feature prominent bangs for no apparent reason. Brodie Croyle and John Parker Wilson are oft-cited violators of 'Bama Bangs rules.
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When Clay Travis, acclaimed author of Dixieland Delight, decided to spend the 2008 season up close and personal with UT football, he—and every other college football aficionado—thought he was in for a rollicking ride with one of the leading contenders for the national title. After all, when the Vols kicked off the season on September 1, the defending SEC East champions were ranked 18th in the country. As head coach Phillip Fulmer prepared for the game, he reflected upon a coaching career that included an astounding 147 victories, two SEC championships, and a national title. With 34 years at UT under his belt as both a player and coach, the Tennessee native had just signed a contract extension that projected to keep him at the university long enough to become the winningest coach in program history.
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There is no college ball more passionate and competitive than football in the Southeastern Conference, where seven of the twelve schools boast stadiums bigger than any in the NFL and 6.5 million fans hit the road every year to hoot and holler their teams to victory.
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The newly favored man is not really a man at all, but a hairless, effeminate, germ-fearing, non-meat-eating, exfoliating, wristband-wearing woman of the worst order. We as men are told that we must embrace the sacred feminine in ourselves, even if it doesn't actually exist, and become the very quintessence of woman, plus penises. This situation is untenable. This trend must stop.
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Clay Travis is the only former student manager in the history of college athletics to marry an NFL cheerleader. He managed to pull this off despite an irrational affinity for the television shows Dawson's Creek and My Super Sweet 16. While being raised in Nashville, Tenn., Travis developed a healthy obsession with college sports and Alyssa Milano. As a teenager his greatest accomplishment was taking a doo-rag wearing Luke Duke (balling as Tom Wopat) to the hole at the Nashville YMCA.
In the midst of a stellar legal career during which he specialized in rewarding the unjust and punishing the oppressed, Travis began writing for CBS Sports's SPiN section in September 2005...
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