Just a reminder that the ClayNation radio show will be on tonight at 7 central in Nashville. Call in, listen in, do whatever you have to do to join in the fun. Click here to listen live. Give us a call at 615-737-1045. We'll be having a blackout in studio which means our performance will be 10,000% better than it otherwise would be.
By the way, neglected to mention that I saw two Georgia fans doing the ClayNation hand sign during College Gameday on Saturday morning. I'm astounded and honored. Please identify yourselves and accept your valuable prizes.
Georgia's Danny Ware Arrested with Bulldog Cheek Stickers
Leaving aside the bad luck of being arrested at an SEC football game for being drunk, how bad would it be to be a black guy whose mug shot still has the Georgia Bulldog stickers on his cheeks? Well, fortunately Danny Ware will be able to answer all those questions soon. As if getting spanked by Alabama weren't bad enough, Ware was arrested in the wee hours of the defeat. With his Georgia Bulldog stickers still on. Tip of the beaver pelt to reader Matt for emailing this link from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.
I have so many questions about this story. First of all, did Ware make a conscious decision to leave the Bulldog stickers on? I mean, was he like, "I'll be damned if some trick-ass policeman is going to make me pull these stickers that 8 year old girls have been jealous of all day off my face."
Second, how was the mug shot photographer able to keep a straight face during this? If this were you, wouldn't you have fallen over with laughter? Bulldog fan or not? Probably so. But my money's on the photographer being a fan of another SEC school?
Third, if you had a painted face, you'd have to wash before the mugshot, right? But for stickers, you don't have to? Do you think they had to call in a mugshot expert to decide whether the stickers got to stay? Is there a mugshot balancing test?
Fourth, I want to see a picture of the girl that Danny Ware was going to have dirty sex with because he wore the stickers she gave him. This has to be the only explanation, right? She gave him the stickers and he thought to himself, now she's not going to say no when I ask her if I can play Glory to Old Georgia with my dick on her forehead.
Anyway, these are some of the questions and comments that come to my mind. I'm interested in whether this makes Bulldog fans feel better or worse in the wake of Alabama. I think it would make me feel better if Jim Bob Cooter got arrested with UT stickers on his face, but maybe that's just me.
I'm still waiting for news to break about Herschel Walker being arrested for having public sex with fourteen married women at the Firehouse.
While taking a vacation down to Charleston this past weekend, I was reading “Dixieland Delight” for the (conservatively) fifth time. I came across a very disturbing passage. Very last sentence on page 352, you were discussing the attendance of the 2006 SEC Championship game at some 75,000 plus and how “pedestrian” that number is in the SEC. Then comes the following line, “If only seventy-five thousand people showed up for a football game at Tennessee, the Rapture would have actually occurred.”
I don’t know how to take this Nostrodam-ian (is that even a word?) piece of information. I had so much left that I wanted to do in my life, and now I know, officially, that this Saturday, October the 4th 2008, in the words of Bill Paxton’s character in Aliens, “Game over, man!”
I’m thinking the over/under for attendance at Saturday’s game with Northern Illinois, and being a 7pm kickoff, at about 65,000…and I’m taking the under. While the world coming to an end is a definite drag, on the bright side Section L in the south end zone should be so desolate that I might be able to carry in a Lay-Z-Boy recliner to watch the Vols instead of my horrendous folding Stadium Seats.
Enjoy the last 116 hours or so that we all have left. At least with Armageddon, it stops the damage that Jonathon Crompton is doing to the history of UT quarterbacks. Go….Vols???"
My two biggest fears have arrived: a. close reading of Dixieland Delight and calling me on everything I've said b. suggestion that the Rapture is imminent. When I was about 10 or 11 I became obsessed with the idea of the Rapture. I read all those books about the end times and I was convince they were nigh. This was after, I became obsessed with the Anti-Christ at the age of 7 or 8. So much so that I started to worry that I might be the Anti-Christ. I'm probably the only person around whose mom had to say, "Clay, I promise you, you aren't the Anti-Christ." Which made me feel better. Of course now we all know that Tim Tebow is the Anti-Christ so I don't have any fears anymore.
Back to your question, yeah, we're in trouble on the attendance at this game. I'll be there and I'm thinking they may give me an entire section to sit in by myself. Worst of all, Vandy is hosting College Gameday here in Nashville. Yep, Nashville has surpassed Knoxville on the college football pecking order. So I'm getting my car Saturday morning and leaving behind the much bigger game to go watch a much less important one. A game that doesn't start until 7 at night. So I won't leave Knoxville until around 10:30. Meaning I won't be back in Nashville until 2 or so. This is going to be awesome. And by awesome I mean horrible.
All of this doesn't even include what happens if we end up with a red-headed quarterback in Nick Stephens. Has there ever been a successful red-headed quarterback? Will he sunburn easily? Are we luckily this is a night game to protect his epidermis? Is Coach Fulmer going to have to update his injury report each week with the status of Nick Stephen's sunburns? "We're working like heck to get better but Nick has a sunburn that makes it hurt to put pads on." For the rest of the season, assuming the world doesn't end, we're going to have to root for cloudy skies or cool weather. Which is unfortunate because you know we're going to be on JP/LF/Raycom a ton now that we're so bad.
My call is announced attendance of 92,000 but an actual attendance of around 77,000. The lowest in decades.
Ryan writes:
"Clay,
What is the deal with all of the hype over blackouts, whiteouts, or any other color on the color wheel out? Is it supposed to be intimidating for players to look into the stands and see fans clad in a certain color? I feel that this might be more intimidating if fashion-design schools had football teams. They would be more worried about differing shades of white rather than a corner blitz. However, I don't know that most Division 1 teams are going to be affected. When are schools going to realize that this is way too overhyped? Rally towels and thunder sticks have served their time as previous fan favorites. I think the next fan craze should be disposable cameras. Thousands of flash bulbs going off at the same time as a quarterback trying to find an open receiver are bound to have a greater effect than one certain color.
The SEC has moved to be anti-black people to being anti-fans of all colors showing up in non-matching colors. I find the whole idea of suggesting that teams wear only one color to be really demeaning. Especially when coaches are involved in encouraging you what to wear. This is like your doctor being obsessed with what type of car you're driving to see him. (As opposed to whether or not you have health insurance. Which is the only thing he cares about other than whether you're rich enough to pay out-of-pocket.)
Disposable cameras is a great idea. The flash could have a legit impact if you sequenced everyone. Of course epileptics in attendance would probably die. So their parents wouldn't be happy about this. And given how bad everything else is going Jonathan Crompton is probably epileptic.
My friend Shaw suggested a while back that the only way you could really intimidate and opposing team was by getting everyone in the entire stadium or arena to dress as clowns and instead of making a bit of noise just jump in sync on all big plays. Complete silence as clowns jumped while looking down at you. That seems pretty terrifying to me.
But this color obsession is so lame. One exemption. It's Athens, a thunderstorm is forecast, and a white out has been planned. Then you've got the largest wet t-shirt contest in the history of the universe breaking out. I'm for that.
Is now up here. Enjoy. You've gotten a preview with Crompton's turn as Ricky Vaughn. I'm out of the rest of the day as both Fox and I are sick. I'm not sure yet how he's responsible but I feel certain that Jonathan Crompton is to blame.
That column is long so hopefully it will help while away the remainder of the hours. More mailbag tomorrow when hopefull we'll both be back hale and hearty. Until then, enjoy the picture of Erik Ainge above. Remember the good ole days when you could rely on Ainge to throw a timely interception but at least the offense was moving up and down the field? Sigh. I do.
I'm back from Auburn. Managing to have survived a late-night drive across the entire state of Alabama in the midst of the Georgia beatdown. There were bonfires burning everywhere, grown men ejaculating into funeral pyres of mediocrity. The best example of this, I ran into the guy behind Keepmikeshula.com at the Auburn game. He greeted me and then said, "I think we were too successful."
But before we get too far removed from this game, let's pause and reflect on Jonathan Crompton's spectacular implosion. If Alabama is the unexpected morning cupcake in the refrigerator (you've been there, right, you're hungry and walking around the house looking for something to eat, and then you open the refrigerator and there are cupcakes inside), then Tennessee is the you just shit yourself in the pants for the first time since being potty-trained. (Chances are you've been there too. It's all the more shocking because you just keep thinking to yourself, "Did I really just shit myself?")
And an awful lot of the reason why we're shitting ourselves is because Jonathan Crompton has become the worst quarterback in the history of my Vol fandom. Seriously, the worst. He makes Erik Ainge in 2005 look like Joe Montana. Crompton eschews smart plays like the "completed pass" and the "stay in the pocket and look down the field." No, no those tried truisms of football season's past are far too copacetic for our own Wild Thing. He's going to throw the ball really hard, as hard as he possibly can, come hell or high water. And hell has come.
Witness, the fourth quarter, during which we're in the midst of one of our four consecutive drives that doesn't go for a first down, Crompton lines up takes three steps and throws a ball 400 miles an hour to Gerald Jones. The ball actually registered on FAA charts. Later on that night, somebody in New Mexico used this three second flight as evidence of UFO's existing. "It was there," our bearded compatriot will say, pointing to his filched FAA data, "and then it was gone. Tell me what else could go 400 miles an hour for 1.2 seconds and then disappear from the charts forever. That was an alien craft going to warp speed."
Yep, that's what it was if you were anywhere but in Auburn, Alabama or watching the game live on CBS. Jonathan Crompton throws it harder than any other quarterback alive but we never have any idea where it's going to end up. And neither does he. If you've ever wondered what it's like to be reliant on your friend who can hit 300 yard drives once every ten attempts but the rest of the time you don't even want to leave the golf cart (even when you're parked behind him) welcome to the Jonathan Crompton experience.
The more I think about this the more baffling it becomes. Crompton has been practicing for four years with the UT football team. How is it possible that he's won the starting job? Who has he been competing against? Me? You? If Nick Stephens or BJ Coleman drop back to pass can they not hold on to the football? Do their arms and elbows not work in concert? Can they walk upright without falling over? Do they have legs? Can they not complete a pass in the entire game as opposed to the final 22 minutes of the game?
I used to love the movie Major League. Now that we're living it, not so much.
More mailbag later. Until then I'll be auditioning for UT's quarterback position in my backyard. I'm practicing by taking a football and throwing it as hard as I can. With a blindfold on.
Linked above is LSU's newest demi-god, redshirt freshman quarterback Jarrett Lee playing beer pong. God bless LSU fans for pestering me until I linked this. True story, Ryan Perrilloux stopped playing beer pong because he had trouble reading the defenses.
Are you worried that ESPN's recent economic vote of confidence in the SEC could lead to the Conference's downfall? I'm glad CBS is keeping us safe. I hope Verne Lunquist is the breast plate protecting the SEC from ESPN's Sword of Democles.
I honestly don't think there's anything to worry about with the ESPN deal. I may be in the minority here, but I think what it does is solidify the SEC as the top conference in the country for the next decade. For several reasons.
1. High school kids are impressionable and want to be on television. The CBS and ESPN tag-team puts the SEC in every home in the nation on a regular basis. No matter where you live there will never be a big SEC game that won't be available anywhere in the nation. Period. For recruiting it's an unbelievable asset. Especially when you consider what the ESPN hype machine is going to be like for truly big games. The SEC has a real opportunity over the next decade to not just brand themselves as the A-league of college football, but to simultaneously rebrand other conference football games as an inferior product.
2. The recruiting arm's race for conferences just ended. SEC schools are going to have more money to spend than any other conference and that money is going to be spent competing with other SEC schools for the finest facilities in the land. The days of kids picking an ACC school or a Big Ten school over the SEC (for any reason other than geography) are finished. Truly finished.
3. Topless photos of Verne Lundquist are going to arrive in every top recruit's mailbox in the country. You may think those photos don't sway an 18 year old when it comes to picking a college, but you're dead wrong. The words voluptuous and Verne both begin with "V." You may think this is a coincidence. But, of course, you're a damn fool. I'm so glad the SEC created the Verne Lundquist/Ben Franklin topless photo exemption in the NCAA rulebook. It's like manna from heaven.
This leads me to the only backlash, you know how ESPN pimps ACC basketball like there was no tomorrow even when the basketball product isn't as good as other conferences? This could happen in the SEC. Granted the football is probably going to be better than the basketball in the ACC but look for the ESPN-fellation hate to arise.
Jessi writes:
Clay, what is Fox going to be for Halloween?
The only rule I've laid down for his mom is that he can't be one of those cute costumes. Like a pumpkin, or a puppy, or something of this nature. That's far too emasculating. This is the kind of thing where when he takes up ballet dancing as his college major, I'm going to pinpoint this as his downfall. Of course, my grandmother used to paint my fingernails when I was a kid and I turned out fine...right?
Anyway, Fox will be eight months old on Saturday and I've set out some potential costumes for him. I want eerie. His mom gets to make the final call because, "People judge me based on his costume, not you Clay." I'm open to suggestions.
In the wake of USC's collapse it's an easy call. Oregon State freshman running back Jacquizz Rodgers. The guy went for 186 yards against USC. No doubt fueled by the power of the extra z in his name. How unheralded is he? I can't even find photos of him in google image search. So y'all will have to make do with Oregon State's Playboy cover. Tough stuff. Insert your own beaver pelt joke about a Beaver with a painted beaver on the cover of a magazine.
I watched this game at Birmingham's Fox and Hound after speaking to the Birmingham Big Orange Club. The entire place was alive with anti-USC fervor. Right now, Jacquizz could probably get elected to the Senate in Georgia.
Also, if you're bored at work right now, I don't have a lot of time to post because I'm about to head over to JOX studio here in Birmingham and hang out with Lance and Ian. They have a great show and we'll be discussing the most important issues facing the world today. Like should you buy the 24 hour unlimited porn or only a single movie in your hotel room? Listen live here.
Loving the Law: Lawyer Attempts To Write Off $322k to Prostitutes
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
William Halby is a 77 year old tax attorney (pictured above) who loves the law. How else to explain a three-year battle with the IRS over the $322k in tax deductions he took for money spent on prostitutes and sex devices? In honor of Halby we're starting a new mailbag feature, loving the law. (LTL for short). Tip of the beaver pelt to reader Brad L. who sent along the link.
Halby defended himself to the bastion of fine journalism the New York Post.
"I was depressed," Halby, who's divorced, semi-retired and living alone in a Bay Ridge apartment, told The Post yesterday. "I live a solitary life. I have no social life. I needed that release."
Halby said he found his "sex surrogates" - preferably brunettes - through ads in The Village Voice and sometimes visited them several times a week. "Over the years, I've been with dozens of girls for full-body massage with . . . happy ending," he said.
What's the most depressing thing about this defense? It sounds like me in the middle of this year's UT football season. Only minus the retirement, living alone, prostitutes, happy endings, and divorce angle. Basically we're both depressed. What I'm really interested in is this, can you imagine if Halby was your tax lawyer and you just opened the newspaper to see this. What are the odds you're getting audited? High, even better, what are the odds that every tax attorney in the country forwarded this article to his tax attorney friends and wrote something like this, "Heh, maybe you should offer your tax advice down at the strip club to the ladies with fake boobs, Winston. Tax write-off. Heh."
Apostrophe on Apostrophe Violence? The World Is Cruel
Up until now we could all hold on to the eternal verities of life. UT is going to lose to Florida, sex begets children, if you follow the Ten Commandments you're going to live a moral life, and people with apostrophes don't quarrel with other people with apostrophes. At least that was the case until this email arrived early this morning from reader Ryan:
Lar'shaya Clark, 18, of 630 Fifth Ave. S.W., was charged Monday with disorderly conduct.
Mildrenna Um'shae Edwards, 17, of 717 Pine Drive, was charged Monday with disorderly conduct.
Now before we get to upset with Um'shae (I love this because you know her mom was like, "Disorderly conduct? Um'...shae what you doing Um'shae?" while beating her daughter with a shoe.), we need to confirm they were actually fighting, and not, say, fighting off the people with dashes on their street. Ryan may be correct that they may have been fighting but until someone at the Moultrie Observer contacts us and confirms this I'm not going to start the rumor that Moultrie, South Carolina is a post-apocalyptic universe where only one apostrophized name can survive. Although this would make a great movie if it starred Vin Diesel. Can't we all just get a'long?
Incidentally, can someone design us a great ClayNation apostrophe logo that I can use for apostrophe updates? It can be a jpeg, whatever. I know someone out there can make it happen. Email it to me and your name will be garlanded with internet blog lights. Which is basically invaluable.
Do you live in Birmingham or the vicinity? Or will you already be in town for UT-Auburn? Bored out of your skull and thinking of ending it all just three weeks into the UT football season, well, you're in luck, we can cry together. Thursday at 6 I'm speaking to the Birmingham Big Orange Club at Johnny Ray's Barbecue at the Colonnade. Here's the link to maps and further details.
Should be fun. I'll look forward to seeing y'all.
On to the mailbag. And by mailbag I mean one question and one answer because I've had Fox all to myself today. 17 straight hours. We've been to the Y, to the mall, to the bookstore, to the bank, to the gas station (in case you're wondering there's currently no gas in the entire city of Nashville), and to Panera. Mothers love me. I could be elected Mayor of Nashville on a platform of having my son with me all day. The only thing rough about it is occasionally I'll glance up from walking around Green Hills mall to see a college girl staring at me. I'll puff out my chest a bit because, for just a moment, I think she's looking at me, and then she walks by and says, "Your son is so cute."
Yep, I'm invisible.
Chad writes:
Clay, say it ain't so, Larry Munson is gone. Admit it, you still have nightmares about the hobnail boot game.
Georgia fans all want me to have nightmares about the hobnail boot game but that ranks about 10,000,000th on my worst UT football experiences list. Yes, we lost on an inexplicable series of plays. David Greene served notice he was going to be good, we pooch-kicked after an amazing Travis Stephens screen pass touchdown, and we lost on the fake to the fullback pass into the end zone. But then we won every other game until LSU in the SEC Title Game. So, no, the LSU loss has completely eclipsed the pain of that game.
But I always liked Munson. He's a Nashville guy at heart and I like people who don't put on airs. Pretty much act the same no matter the situation. I got that feeling about Munson. Although, to be fair, Munson is not from the South. He's from Minnesota. Can you believe that with his voice? I would have sworn he'd be from somewhere in the deep South. Every single person reading this right now has a drunk Uncle who is just like Larry Munson. Every single one of us.
Anyway, here are several of his most famous game calls as culled from our old buddy wikipedia. Vandy sports owe him a debt of gratitude by the way. Since he pitched the idea of putting Vandy basketball games on the radio back in 1952. Wouldn't it have been great to live back in 1952 and still be able to come up with ideas like putting sports on the radio? No one else had thought of Vandy basketball on the air? What's the modern equivalent to that? Nothing.
Anyway, enjoy these calls. The first one gives me goosebumps and I have no affiliation with Georgia other than a profound admiration for their women's breasts.
"Buck back. Third down on the 8. In trouble. Got a block behind him. Going to throw on the run. Complete to the 25, to the 30. Lindsay Scott 35, 40. Lindsay Scott 45, 50, 45, 40. Run Lindsay! Twenty-five, 20, 15, 10, 5. Lindsay Scott! Lindsay Scott! Lindsay Scott! Well, I don't believe it. 92 yards and Lindsay really got in a footrace, I broke my chair, I came right through a chair, a metal STEEL chair...Do you know what is gonna happen here tonight? And up at St. Simons, Jekyll Island, and all those places, where all those Dawg people have got those condominiums for four days...MAN, is there gonna be some property destroyed tonight!" - calling wide receiver Lindsay Scott's 92-yard touchdown reception from quarterback Buck Belue against Florida in 1980 "Hunker down, you guys! If you didn't hear me, you guys, hunker down!...I know I'm asking a lot, you guys, but hunker it down one more time!" - in a defensive series late in the game against Auburn in 1982, which clinched the SEC title for Georgia "We hand it off to Herschel, there's a hole....5....10...12, he's running over people! Oh, you Herschel Walker!...My God Almighty, he ran right through two men! Herschel ran right over two men! They had him dead away inside the 9. Herschel Walker went 16 yards. He drove right over those orange shirts and is just driving and running with those big thighs. My God, a freshman!" - calling Herschel Walker's first touchdown run against the Tennessee Volunteers in 1980. "Look at the sugar falling out of the sky!" - at the end of the Auburn game in 1982. "So we'll try to kick one a hundred thousand miles. We're holding it on our own 49-and-a-half ... gonna try to kick it sixty yards plus a foot-and-a-half ... and Butler kicked a long one ... a long one ... Oh my God! Oh my God! ... The stadium is worse than bonkers! I can't believe what he did! This is ungodly!" - calling Kevin Butler's field goal in the final seconds to win over Clemson in 1984. "We just stepped on their face with a hob-nailed boot and broke their nose! We just crushed their face!" - calling Georgia's last-second win over Tennessee in 2001 "Man, we've had some shots, haven't we? Snap to David Greene, there he goes again in the corner and we jump up....Touchdown! Oh, God, a touchdown! With 85 seconds..." - calling David Greene's touchdown pass to Michael Johnson as Georgia defeated Auburn in 2002, clinching the Bulldogs' first-ever SEC Eastern Division championship "Who do we sue if we have a stroke?" - asked of co-commentator Scott Howard after Matthew Stafford's game-winning drive and touchdown pass to Mohammed Massaquoi against Georgia Tech in 2006 "Touchdown! Touchdown! Touchdown, my God, a touchdown! Touchdown! Touchdown! Massaqoui!" - Matthew Stafford's game-winning touchdown pass to Mohamed Massaquoi against Georgia Tech in 2006
One Nation, Under God Indivisible with Jorts for All
Monday, September 22, 2008
Gary writes:
Clay,
I figured you would appreciate this picture of my buddy Steve in Knoxville who made this jorts flag for UT-Florida tailgating. Love the writing and the the Nashville radio show.
- G.P.
This picture would be a whole lot more entertaining if we were still rivals with Florida. Honestly, it's become debilitating losing to them time after time. Especially in September. I think I could handle the losses in November so much easier because at least then I wouldn't have to spend the entire season constantly trying to pretend they didn't happen. Especially because if I calculated the amount of brain power I've wasted trying to figure out what has to happen for UT to steal the tiebreaks and end up in the SEC Title Game, I could probably have repainted the Sistine Chapel twice.
Honestly, it's been that time-consuming. It reminds me of one day when my friend Tardio confessed he'd started to wonder what he'd have done with his life if he hadn't spent so much time thinking about and chasing women. We thought about this for a long contemplative moment and then I terrified him by saying that maybe the only reason he'd attained any level of success was because he wanted to do better with women.
Anyway, the jort thing is dead to me. Yeah, lots of Gator fans wear them, but, to me, the sleeveless t-shirt is much more of a Gator specialty. How many other SEC fan bases have fans who travel and pack their sleeveless t-shirts? Seriously, pack them for a road game. To me the sleeveless t-shirt (if you have any at all) is all about convenience and not actually thinking about what you're wearing. But the sleeveless t-shirt to a road game is the complete anti-thesis of this mindset. Think about this for a minute, you're getting ready to travel across two states and you think to pack your sleeveless t-shirt because you can't attend a game without it. Why? Two hypotheses: a. women are going to be attracted to your arms and their lack of fat that they'll have sex with you at the stadium b. you're so hot that if the back of your arms are cooler you'll be able to survive c. you're hoping that Chris Leak will see you and want to have sex with you. That's all.
And I'm 100% confident that Florida fans are the only ones who wear sleeveless t-shirts to SEC games. This was crystallized for me when I found myself, horror of horrors, sitting in the Florida cheering section at Neyland. Think about the irony of this, so the women have bingo wings, and the men won't cover up their arms. What is it about arms and Gainesville? A decade from now people are going to discover that there was a Chernobyl-esque disaster in northern Florida forty years ago only no one noticed. But the lingering impact is still being felt in the tricep region of Gator undergrads. Remember where you read it first. That's probably where the Gator chomp came from, the need to constantly move the damaged regions of the body to avoid amputation.
Even Gator fans, look deep within your souls, you know the guys in sleeveless t-shirt angle is true. One of your fans even came up to me and said, "Clay, I love Dixieland Delight. I just want to apologize for that guy in a sleeveless t-shirt. We hate those guys too."
This is Brandon James. He's 5'7 and 186 pounds. He returns punts. Wave to the ClayNation blog audience Brandon. Specifically he returns punts for touchdowns. Against Tennessee. James has returned five punts for touchdowns in his career (one was called back for a block in the back). Guess who three of these punts have been against? Yeah, my Vols.
This has somehow been overlooked in the wake of the examination of the refuse that is the Vols' season. Lose to a 1-2 UCLA team that has lost their other two games by a combined socre of 90-10, and kick to Brandon James. This is UT's football strategy in 2008. Awesome.
Seriously, think about this though, Brandon James has returned punts for touchdowns against Tennessee in three consecutive seasons. In 2006, in 2007, and in 2008. Has this ever happened before in the annals of modern football? Seriously, I'm wondering. Someone needs to do the research. It's almost impossible to pull off three punt return touchdowns against the same team in three consecutive years. Even contemplating it boggles the mind. Put that into perspective, Tim Tebow hasn't even scored rushing touchdowns against Tennessee in three consecutive games. Yet.
So James' performance against Tennessee is utterly shocking and impressive. Congrats to him. If he'd come to Tennessee we'd have slotted him in at 9th string DB. But, here's the deal, he's only returned two other punts for touchdowns in 29 career games. So his touchdown percentage on punts is less than 14%. In fact, here's a roster of James' victims. Tennessee, Western Carolina, Tenneseee, Hawai'i, Tennessee. Is anyone else seeing a pattern here?
No? Let me break it down further. James' punt return touchdown percentage against the rest of the SEC in 15 games? 0%
James in three games against Tennessee? 100%
What's more, Western Carolina and Hawaii could have potentially been surprised by James' explosiveness or simply not had the athletes to match Florida's blocking or speed. UT, not so much. In fact, you can't even argue that Florida has some incredible punt return system. Prior to James, Florida had not had a punt return for a touchdown since the year 2000.
I'll have more later but suffice it to say I was ready to leave Neyland Stadium after seeing this same show for the third consecutive year. I'm sure there's an extremely difficult reason to explain why James has zero punt return touchdowns against every other SEC team and 3 against us. It's probably just a coincidence.
And I'm sure we'll hear that the punt wasn't kicked correctly (same song, different punter see Jackson, Desean) but why has every other SEC team in the country managed to handle Brandon James and we haven't?
More mailbag later, but until then, UT will be continuing to refine their punt coverage schemes. And by refine, I mean force every Vol fan to turn backwards when we have to punt. To refresh, the punt is the play that happens at the end of UT football drives that don't end with turnovers.
In 24 hours, UT-Florida 2008 will be just about to kick off. As part of the festivities UT is bringing back legendary linebacker Al Wilson. In 1998's 20-17 overtime win over Florida, Al Wilson almost single-handedly won the game for the Vols on defense. He was everywhere, a 22 year old mad man from Jackson, Tennessee who appeared to have been born just before World War II commenced.
To say he looked old would be an understatement. Wilson looked like he creaked, the deep furrows in his face told the story of long years spent hand-cranking horseless carriages/cars in the hot Tennessee sun, of standing knee deep in rushing creek water and hand washing shirts with lye soap and a washing board, that scar on his right eyelid? From a nasty encounter with a sabre-tooth tiger.
Wilson graduated long before the first idea for the mailbag and the beaver pelt trader of the week. But he's a Tennessee icon and he recently retired from the Broncos. So he's our Beaver Pelt Trader of the Week. Coincidentally he's also the first man to be awarded the BPTOFW who has a working knowledge of the beaver pelt market from 1794-2008. What a fount of knowledge. On to the Mailbag.
With a quick interlude to announce that I'll be a guest at the Ice Vols alumni game at 8 tonight. I'm going to be presented a jersey and attempt to score a hockey goal despite never having played hockey, ice-skated, or really done anything of the sort before. It should be gloriously awkward. Here's the link to WATE's Mark Nagi and his story about the Ice Vols alumni game. Looking forward to it.
Ben writes:
Clay, is it just me or is every Florida fan on earth planning on meeting at Calhoun's in Knoxville? Why do they like Calhoun's so much?
True story, in the past three days I've received three different emails from Gator fans saying they're looking forward to Calhoun's, hope to meet at Calhoun's, and wondering if I'm going to be at Calhoun's. The Gator love affair with Calhoun's knows no bounds. It's so weird.
True story, last year as I'm trudging out of Ben Hill-Griffin Stadium (I was on the fourth row so I had to walk past row after row of Gator fans who were taunting me), a bespectacled old man with white hair took me by the shoulder and said something. I brushed him off because I thought he was taunting me, but he grabbed my shoulder again and said.
"We're already looking forward to going to Calhoun's next year in Knoxville. It's a great restaurant."
Seriously, this happened. It's 100 degrees, I've just watched my team get the bejesus beaten out of them, and Gator fans want me to know how much they love Calhoun's. It's almost enough for me to look into franchising a Calhoun's in Gainesville. You'd end up a billionaire. Especially if you offered Little Debbie snack cakes as appetizers.
Anyway, it's uncanny. If you're a Gator coming to Knoxville, you'll be able to see every other Gator fan at Calhoun's. Guaranteed. The Gator Chomp at Neyland is going to have be modified this year because every Gator fan is going to have a bottle of Calhoun's barbecue sauce in one of their hands.
Sam writes: Clay, give me three reason why I should think UT has a chance to beat the Gators this year. They don't, right?
Only three? I think the game is going to be really close.
1. Arian Foster has only carried the ball 25 times so far this season. Yet he's averaging almost 8 yards a carry. That's insane, McFadden type numbers. He's going to carry the ball 25 times on Saturday. Montario Hardesty will get 12 carries. Between the two of them and a few carries for Lennon Creer, Tennessee will rush for 190 yards. Given the Vol performance on the ground for the past three years, this may be wildy ambitious. But I don't think so. I think we've been saving Foster for these first two games (not to mention holding him out of preseason scrimmages) and I think he's goign to explode this game. Just a hunch.
2. UT has seven interceptions in two games. Lots of teams won't finish with seven picks on the season. Take away the fourth quarter against UCLA and right now UT teams are wondering whether this might be one of the best defenses we've had in a long time. Certainly one with more playmakers in the back 7 than any in recent memory. UT's going to play a lot of zero coverage and that's going to leave Berry and Morley with chances on Florida's playmakers. Somebody's band is going to play. I like Tennessee in this zero coverage more than at any time in recent history. Especially if, as seems likely, Brent Vinson is going to be back to add some depth. Even though he hasn't thrown any picks in 130 pass attempts I think we can get Tebow twice during the game.
3. UT's defensive line has been dominant. I'll say that again. UT's defensive front has been dominant. That's really unbelievable given the worries coming in this season. I think we'll stuff the running lanes and make Tebow pay if he takes off, I really do.
But, you didn't ask, but for the Gators out there, here's the flip side analysis of things that scare me.
1. Demetrice Morley's cast severely hindered his open field tackling. Against the Gators open-field tackling by all players is going to be at a premium. I can easily see Morley missing 3-4 tackles that he should make that prolong drives or, shudder, lead to scores. In a game where UT has a small margin for error this could be a huge difference-maker. Supposedly the cast will be smaller and easier to use this week, but I have my doubts.
2. We did a horrible job against UCLA of jumping the first option on passing routes. Tebow has a really quick release and has killed us in the past (his best career passing stats are against Tennessee) with quick hitters. Tebow panics a bit (defining a bit broadly) when defenders jump his first route. Miami did that to him a ton during the game two weeks ago and he seemed to be flustered. Will Tennessee be willing to jump those routes and risk getting beat deep? Our history says no. Which leaves me with this question: name a team that is more risk-averse when it comes to the passing game than Tennessee. Even hardcore fans like me can barely remember when we've been beaten deep on a pass.
I think, to a degree, that Chavis has coached this team backwards, i.e. he hasn't realized that UT is better from the back working forward (secondary to D-line) than they are from the front to the back (D-line to secondary). Hopefully this will change. If not, trouble.
3. UT's defensive front is going to get no pressure on Tebow. So far UT has not pressured the quarterback without blitzing. That's troubling. Now against UCLA there were an awful lot of three-step drops so there wasn't time, but against UAB? I know the d-line was probably coached not to overpursue a rushing quarterback but, still, there were very few places where a Vol defender blew up the line of scrimmage and forced a quick pass, got a sack, or caused an incompletion. If this remains the case against Tebow, the second Heisman campaign of Saint Tim is going to get a huge boost tomorrow.
My prediction: Vols 24-20. And, yes, a part of me is saying this because if we lose my book is staring straight down the barrel of a 2-4 opening.
New Mailbag Feature: Ask a Florida Gator Cheerleader
My lack of affinity for Florida Gator girls has been well-established. Despite this fact, I'm now facebook friends with a large number of Florida Gator girls who love Dixieland Delight, the column, my beard, honestly, I'm not sure why they like me. Anyway, as a token of good will during Florida-Tennessee week, I decided it was time to allow a representative of Florida Gator women to answer a weekly question in the mailbag. The question will come from y'all, but I've provided the first week's two questions.
And I also decided the best possible person to answer these questions would be Rachel, a former Florida Gator cheerleader, who is still an undergrad at the school. (Note: The girl pictured above is not Rachel.) I didn't want you guys to stalk her so we've got a picture of another Gator cheerleader up above.
Here goes with the first questions. As you can see, in case you had any doubt, I'm an extraodinary interviewer.
1. What's the most obnoxious thing anyone has ever chanted to you while you were cheering on the field?
"The most obnoxious thing that any opposing fan has yelled at the cheerleaders would be, 'Gator Cheerleaders have the clap!' (while chomping at us)."
2. What's your favorite Little Debbie snack?
"My favorite Little Debbie snacks are the Star Crunch cookies. However, I weigh 90 lbs. and have very skinny arms, so what's up?"
Beaver Pelt Trader of the Week and more emails coming up later this afternoon. We had a rough night on the Strip in Knoxville last night so we're off to a slow start.
How lame are the American's Ryder Cup shirts by the way? Who made this decision?
Thursday of Florida week; leaving for Knoxville at 3 this afternoon
Thursday, September 18, 2008
The above picture is a sign of the apocalypse if there ever was one, a reserved parking spot directly outside Vanderbilt Law School. Yesterday I had the good fortune of speaking for an hour to Vandy Law Students about the law. The students had the misfortune of having to listen to me. It was the first time I've been back inside the law school since graduation. This picture of my parking space is evidence of that fact. Remember, I love the law.
If you haven't noticed, we're in the process of bringing over everything I've written and posting it under the ClayNation archive. Until then, you can read quite a bit of it here, at Deadlyhippos.com, the old site where I got started writing on the internet. There are lots of columns here, many of which don't even deal with sports. So, enjoy.
I also wanted to shoot a couple things for y'all to check out before I headed off to Knoxville to see whether we can finally beat Urban Meyer.
First, my write-up of Florida-Tennessee from the 2005 game. It's long and painful, but hopefully fairly entertaining.
Want so much UT-Florida talk that you can barely stand that the game is only four days away? Check out ClayNation radio tonight at 7 central on Nashville's 104.5 radio station. My co-host Chad Withrow and I will be breaking down the game from every angle. Including where in Knoxville we're going to curl up and cry after the game. My personal choice is Petro's Chili and Chips at the Westtown Mall. I'm going to cry into the sour cream and frito bowl. Anyway, come listen here. And if you want to call in but don't feel like listening, by all means, join the fun. The radio station number is 615-737-1045. Or toll free at 1-866-492-ZONE
In bona fide UT-Florida news: Percy Harvin feels like he's in tenth grade again. Which sounds impressive until you realize he was in 10th grade four years ago. I'll confess to being way more obsessed with Harvin's heel than any man should ever be. Which I did confess in this Deadspin post here.
As we get closer to kickoff, I thought it was only fair to include an email from a Gator fan--one of many who have been emailing me as the game looms closer.
Paul writes:
Clay
I am a loyal reader since day one who found your column years back by googling "hottest women in the SEC." I am a UF alumnus in my late 20's with bama bangs who travels to every gator game. Having been to Knoxville numerous times, this year we are headed to nashville for thurs and fri night prior to this weekends game. I plan on checking out the spots in nashville you have mentioned in previous columns, but where would you say is the best spot in town to find a slightly overweight 30 something to take home on a Thursday or Fri night? I like to go after big girls who are sure things, which we affectionaly refer to as whaleing, and in honor of music city I plan on going "Whaleing Jennings" all weekend long. Any info you could provide would be appreciated.
Love the google honesty here. Do you ever worry that someone might track you down based on your google searches? Google should sponsor a show where several people walk out onto a stage and one by one their searches are revealed.
You get no information otherwise and after each statement you have to rank the people in terms of the likelihood that this was their search. Is there any doubt that after "hottest women in the SEC" the guy with 'Bama Bangs is ranked the highest?
This isn't that incriminating of a search. When it would really get entertaining is "HIV rates Morgantown, West Virginia" (after a weekend trip to town for a football game). Full disclosure, I once googled "HIV rates Spain" while I was studying abroad in Europe. Further disclosure, when you get an STD test (I passed with flying colors) and they say, "It's just going to feel like a bee sting," they mean a bee sting in your pee hole, run.
Ahh, bee stings in the pee hole always reminds me of my legal career. Back in the days of free Westlaw and Lexis, we weren't the only law students who would come up with convoluted search terminology just to see what cases were found, were we? Something like, "ski-pole /p "cheerleader upskirt" /p cheetos." You'd be amazed what you can find. Also, you'd be amazed at how well those databases track your searches.
Sometimes to your tremendous detriment.
Once, we did this during a Legal Writing research class without realizing that our instructor saw all of our search terms. It was quite the snafu. Everyone else had a meeting to discuss search strategies. The goal was to make you a better legal researcher. Mine began and ended with the instructor handing my list, "Just go."
Anyway, back to the question of where to go to find fat thirtysomething Nashville women. I'm clearly the authority on these women.
My suggestion would be a honky tonk--Robert's on Broadway. There's a wide selection of divorced women here. Many of whom pack on extra pounds. I'm assuming divorced is okay with you. Because in Nashville any woman over 30 worth having is married or already divorced. (Some single girls in Nashville just started crying right now. I'm sorry. You're the exception darling, you're the exception. You have great calves. Everyone loves them.)
Once, at Robert's, my friend had a friend in from Paducah. He was staying downtown and we went to meet him at Robert's. He was already drunk at the bar. Not that suprising. Sitting alongside a woman who he'd managed to interlock both legs and both arms with. On a stool. While drinking. That's pretty hard to do. The woman he was with looked like death with a side of scrambled eggs. Hair all askew, at one point attempted to put on make-up earlier in the day but had since given up, face all scrunched up like the bone spur removed from Percy Harvin's heel. He saw us and as soon as my friend got to him said, "Not bad, huh?"
So you'll do well at Robert's.
Later this week, my columns on 2005, 2006 and 2007 UT-Florida games and assorted other fun-filled countdown news. Check out the radio show and keep the emails coming.
It's Florida week. This means I'm almost incapable of conversations lasting more than five minutes. I'm constantly running game scenerios through my mind. If I got paid by hypothetical play or hypothetical emotional thought, I'd be a billionaire. I keep imagining how I'll feel if UT wins and I keep trying to decide which Tennessee River bridge I'll jump off it Tennessee loses. Already this week, I've done the following while thinking about the game:
1. Parked, gotten out of the car, and left the engine running for no reason. With th keys locked inside. Thank God for keyless entry. 2. Taken a break from feeding Fox to burp him and then, ten minutes later, realized I'm just sitting there staring off at the wall and Fox hasn't been burped. Meanwhile Fox has not moved either. I think he's also nervous about the big game. 3. During a workout tonight with my friend Tardio, I admitted having no idea it was Monday or who was playing in the Monday Night Football game. This is despite writing for a sports blog and having spent all day focusing on the world of sports. And by focusing on sports, I mean looking at porn. 4. Found myself doing the over/under on Verne chortles since Verne chortles seems to often be connected to Tim Tebow. If Verne chortles more than four times, Tennessee is going to lose. Guaranteed. Less than three we win. Three's a push. 5. Checked the ten day weather forecast on my BlackBerry eight times. I want it to rain. Great sheets of rain that will make the field resemble those old time Roman naval battles. 6. Long contemplative self-analysis on this question. Could Tim Tebow be the anti-christ? Column on this forthcoming. The early read is...yes. 7. Seen Desean Jackson drop the ball before scoring a touchdown, heard Mike Tirico call him cocky, had a flashback to his punt return against Tennesee, thought of Brandon James, and spent the next fifteen minutes silently shaking with feverish chills.
Yeah, it's Florida week. With the book added to the typical stress of this week, I'm not sure I'm going to survive. Not sure at all.
Last week I introduced us to Le'a (pronounced Ladasha) thanks to a reader tip. As part of the introduction I implored anyone who might have information about Ladasha to please email. And now, like a bolt of lightening suddenly striking on a clear and sunny day, we've received our answer from the Lord. And it's truly a glorious day because this might even be a different girl! Via reader Barret:
"My friend's wife is a kindergarten teacher in Baton Rouge. She has a student whose name is "La-a"- pronounced "Ladasha."
She also has a student with two apostrophes in their first name. I give you, Mi'Ra'Ja. (prounounced 'mirage-a')
Are y'all as floored by this as I am. Is there a Le'a v. La-a controversy? Did one family steal from the other? Plainly, the dash is being used correctly in the second name, but was it copied? Or have two distinct mothers been unable to escape the power and majesty of the apostrophe/hyphen/dash. I feel it in my bones, there's a Pulitzer-worthy story about these two girls. There has to be.
I think my favorite thing about this, and there are literally dozens, is that you know each mother thinks the other mother is an idiot for the way she chose to spell Ladasha. I just wish I could be there to cover their argument over proper Ladasha spelling etiquette. Are there more out there? Pound the pavement, scan the rosters of elementary school student, do whatever y'all can to bring them to us.
Until then, there can be no doubt, Le'a and La-a are our co-beaver pelt traders of the week. On the mailbag. (By the way, we have additional posts up on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of this week that are included in this mailbag.) Today's is abbreviated because I'm going to be leaving for Knoxville in a couple of hours to eat dinner with Arian Foster's mom. Seriously.
Also, we're inaugurating a few new features. A picture of a hot girl from the SEC game of the week. Send them in if you think your team or girl is worthy. Or if you just stole one off another message board. Pervert.
David Creed took issue with a post I put up about doing whatever we could not to Save the Daves. This was before I knew that Dave Rowe had already jumped ship and moved to Fox SportsSouth. Do you ever wonder what tape he sent to convince them to hire him? Anyway, this is what David Creed wrote in response to that post:
"You couldn't hold their jockstrap punk."
This is the perfect email defense of the three Daves, succint, nonsensical, and rooted in an odd perversity. Isn't the email here implicitly assuming that I'd like to hold the Daves' jockstrap if I were more talented? Or, shudder, that I'd be able to hold their jockstrap if I wasn't a punk. By the way, jockstrap singular? Do the Daves all share the same jockstrap? So many questions.
Have I missed a portion of the JP/LF/Raycom pregame where people who aren't punks get to hold the announce team's jockstrap? Evidently.
Brad writes:
How to grow a beard instructions. I shit you not. More than one step. I love it!
Nice find. My favorite advice amid the three steps:
Consider starting your beard while on vacation. You'll be more relaxed about it while away from your job. Don't be overly concerned about other people's potential reactions to your new beard. If you have a good beard, most people will probably react favorably, possibly much more favorably than you would have ever anticipated. So relax and enjoy the experience.
This is like sticking the toe in the water of the BGID thesis statement. About as tepid of an endorsement as you can possibly give.
Also, according to the site, rest easy, you don't need to blow dry your beard. Although, if you do need to blow dry your beard it's probably just as easy to allow your harem to gently caress your manful beard rather than using a blow drier.
The above picture is why I'm never going to Guam or the Cook Islands. Not that I was planning on going before, but this crystallizes my decision to stay away. Imagine you're on a nice leisurely vacation, you walk outside, and this thing is there. I'm not sure you could even drive over this thing if you were in a car. I'm picturing the crab just getting pissed off, and when you climb out of your car it snaps off one of your legs and you bleed to death. Need more evidence of how deadly these things are? Read on, from the article.
The coconut crab is admired for its strength and holds a special place in the local culture of many areas where it lives. Villagers in some places use the crab to guard their coconut plantations, because the crab may attack a person if it feels threatened. Adolescent coconut crabs are sold as pets in Tokyo and other places, but they must be kept in a cage that is strong enough that the animal cannot use its powerful claws to escape. If a frightened coconut crab pinches a human, not only is the pinch painful, it is difficult to dislodge the powerful claw.
Hold on, guarding coconut plantations? This fills me with questions. How does this work? Do the crabs really know whose side they're on? Say you own the coconut plantation or you're attempting to rob the coconut plantation, in both cases don't you look the exact same to the crab--that is, you have legs? Or can you train them like dogs? Even if they're on your side for sure (which I highly doubt) couldn't the coconut crabs just leave the plantation? They don't seem very reliable or loyal. Or do you keep them chained like dogs? This article leaves me wanting so much more information. Can someone fill us in?
Nick writes:
My wife and I go to New York and go see the musical Chicago. Somehow we have front row seats. I know nothing about any of it, look at the playbill, and I see that Tom Wopat is playing the role of the corrupt lawyer Billy Flynn. I can not say how excited I was and how much I think I embarrassed my wife. Nonetheless, in the next two hours I was hit in the eye by his saliva from the stage and then he winked at my wife. I didn't know whether to be mad or happy that Luke Duke felt my wife was worthy enough to wink at. I ended up deciding I should consider it an honor.
Look, I don't know how old you are, but if you're anywhere near my age, there was a time when you would have taken a bullet for Luke Duke. Remember when they replaced the Dukes with their cousins? And how upset you were? This was my first sign in life that the world could be an unfair place. I remember standing in front of the television with my soul torn asunder because Tom Wopat and John Schneider weren't there for me.
True story, one of my oldest memories is of watching the Dukes while my dad watched a football game. I have no idea how old I was, but I was too young to like football. And I was upset that my dad chose to watch the football game instead of the Dukes.
I got my dad, pulled him aside, and whispered, "You don't really like football more than the Dukes, do you?" And, he said, "Yes, Clay, I like football more." I remember wanting to cry that my dad could like anything more than the Dukes.
Second Dukes memory that may or may not be older, having a broken arm and thinking that Bo and Luke Duke could see me from the television. I kept holding up my cast and waiting for one of the brothers to respond to my arm. My mom came in and said, "Clay, remember, they can't see you." I pretended I understood then, but when she left the room I kept holding up my cast.
Later that week I remember sitting outside with my friend Matt while we talked about how baffled we were that we could see people on television but they couldn't see us. I must have been 2 or 3. That or 23. One or the other.
So I've said all this to answer your question, I think you have to be impressed. Unless your wife disappeared for two hours to go "shopping" immediately after the show. Then, on the positive side, you might get to raise Luke Duke's son. On the negative side...actually, scratch that, even this is pretty cool. Basically, if Luke Duke wanted to sleep with your wife, I think you'd have to be okay with it.
Please use your megaphonic (is that a word) column to apologize to the other SEC schools and their fans on behalf of all UT fans for the embarrassing performance the other night. The SEC chant doesn't mean jack if one of our member schools goes to a Pac-10 stadium and drops a deuce of a performance like that.
Thank you
I don't think there's any doubt that Tennessee fans owe an apology to the rest of the SEC fans for what happened at UCLA. Zero. What's more, UCLA has opened as 9.5 point underdogs for their game at BYU. Which means their performance against us didn't inspire a great deal of confidence in the national media.
As if that weren't enough, this is the second year in a row, I've been subjected to Pac 10 chants. Sigh. Someday UT will beat a Pac-10 team again....I hope. Otherwise UT needs to petition to join the ACC.
I'm trying to think of what UT fans can do to make up for our failings in the out-of-conference slate, but nothing really comes to mind. Other than, perhaps, promising to throw the ball 41 times against every SEC team we play as well. Which, if we were willing to do this, would take about fifteen years off my life. More later in the week, but I'm pleased to report that we have further information on current ClayNation Apostrophe Ranking leader Le'a. Or Ladasha.
Until then, here were some posts on the Vince Young imbroglio today.
And without further ado, Georgia Bulldog fans are upset because Knowshon Moreno's leaping play didn't garner any attention. So enjoy a post about it here. Then snap on your red pants and go looking for cleavage in Athens. Like completing a pass against the Mustang defense. Or getting a toothpick fish in your urethra in the Amazon.
We'll (my co-host Chad Withrow and me) be talking about these subjects and more tonight on the ClayNation radio show. At 7 on Nashville's 104.5. You can listen here.
Some ClayNation homework for you in advance of the radio show: which coach do you hate the most and why? Mine is Urban Meyer because I'm convinced he's pure evil. And when was the last time Tennessee got beat deep and gave up a touchdown pass? Give me the game and give me the year. I've wracked my brain and I can't come up with the answer.
I have discovered Tim Tebow's weakness. Seems to me that Skynet would've given him a more manly voice before sending him back through time. I really don't think there is any way that this can be exploited on a football field. Although if there is, surely the ingenious Tennessee defensive staff will be the ones to find it. No doubt.
You're right that Tebow's voice isn't as deep and melodic as you'd expect, but I fail to see this as a major weakness. It does raise an interesting question, though, namely, who would you expect Tim Tebow to sound like? Barry White, maybe. George Clooney. Or since he seems not to have an offensive bone in his body, Jim Nantz?
But could an unexpectedly soft voice not be exploited on the field? Maybe via an extremely loud crowd that's aware that if Tennessee doesn't beat Florida this year our program is in extreme danger of slipping into irrelevance? I'm hoping so. In the meantime, just be glad that Tebow doesn't put kittens for a living like Zachariah White--a 21 year old former tight end.
The story is pretty horrible but this quote is unbelievable. Like something out of a Farrelly brothers movie.
The victim told Finnegan her boyfriend was upset and drunk and began punching walls and the refrigerator when she told him she was leaving him.
She then asked him if he thought he was Muhammad Ali, and White responded, "I'm not Muhammad Ali, I'm Zach White, the tight end for the Winchester Golden Falcons."
The kitten kicker is 21 years old. The Winchester Golden Falcons are a high school team. He graduated several years ago. I think we know who isn't going to be our beaver pelt trader of the week.
A few other posts from Deadspin that y'all might enjoy from today.
Beaver Pelt Trader of the Week and Our First All That and a Bag of Mail
Friday, September 5, 2008
After a long summer's hiatus (during which time I promised on countless occasions that the mailbag would be back up and running), we're finally back. On a week while I'm still dazed from the West Coast beating that UT took and also on the day after Bobby Johnson pulls off another beatdown of Steve Spurrier. Will Vandy wonders under BJ never cease?
Anyway, that makes our beaver pelt trader of the week an easy call. Jared Hawkins of Vandy. A white running back in the SEC not named Hester. Hawkins ran for 84 yards on 17 carries last night and led to this memorable text exchange with my buddy Tardio. Note: these texts happened as I drove home immediately after the game we attended. (Tardio brought a raincoat to protect himself from the ferocious three minute thirteen second downpour that happened before the game.)
Me: How long until Hawkins starts referring to himself as The Hawk?
Tardio: He goes third person nickname 12:15 AM at Kappa house.
Me: The Hawk thinks you should suck this cock Kaylie.
Tardio: The Hawk won't take a shower and will just go straight to Kappa house in jock and jersey.
So congrats to our Beaver Pelt Trader of the Week, Jared Hawkins. Okay, on to the mailbag. (Another note: The mailbag will be rolling now. As in, on the new website, I'll respond to a couple of emails a day on any number of topics--keep them coming--but we'll continue to announce our BPTOTW every Friday. So it won't just be on Friday's you can check us out during the week as well. Scout's honor. I will not miss awarding a BPTOTW for the next year.)
Here we go:
Kerry writes:
"My bro in law just told me a fantatic apostrophe story. Friend owns an indoor swim complex. Little girl came in for lessons and spelled her name Le'a. His friend called roll and pronounced Lea like the princess. She got attitude and said its Ladasha...true story."
Greatest apostrophe story ever? When this showed up in my inbox, I laughed for five minutes in a row. So now the apostrophe actually has its own sound. And that sound is not even an apostrophe, it's a dash? And then to actually call a kid named Le'a, Ledasha? This is truly mind-boggling. I think we've got a new number one in the CAR (ClayNation Apostrophe Rankings). Incidentally, pretty soon the site will be updated with four years of archives and a glossary featuring a running tally of the CAR and other recrurring features. Can't wait.
Ben writes:
"Clay, wtf happened to the Vols at UCLA?"
I've gotten a lot of these emails but most of them were long screeds written after midnight that end in visible email tears. I'd forgotten what visible email tears look like since the 2005 UT football season doesn't exist in my mind anymore. (Visible email tears are when more than three words in a row have three typos. So visible email tears are similar to drunken emails. Or every email from JP/LF/Raycom people to me.)
I was at the game as part of my diligent research for the UT book I'm writing this fall. Several observations. (I'm not allowed to write entire game recaps because this violates my contract.)
1. As I understand it the goal of defense is to limit your opposition's ability to move the ball or score. UT took away UCLA's running game (31 carries for 29 yards) and took away their downfield passing game (four picks on passes over ten yards in the first half). That means that UCLA only had short passes in their arsenal. So UCLA attempted short passes, and almost exclusively short passes, for the final twenty minutes of the game. And we never stopped them! How is this possible with our secondary? Imagine you're playing a video game and your opponent runs the same pass plays time after time after time, eventually you select the right defense, right? Maybe you go man-to-man, maybe you drop your linebackers, oh, I don't know, all in a line eight yards down the field and instruct them to stand there and take away the slant. Something, right? Yet we did nothing. I'm still fuming about this.
2. One of my friends emailed me and asked, "What if we had played the whole fourth quarter flag-football style and everyone had just picked out a guy to cover man-to-man. The coaches weren't there at all. Don't we win?"
Yes, is the answer. You're telling me that manning up Demetrice Morley, Eric Berry, Dennis Rogan, and DeAngelo Willingham on UCLA's depleted receiving corps wouldn't have been advantage UT?
3. When was the last time UT got beaten deep? Seriously, name it. We've predicated our entire defense on not getting beat by the deep ball. Which is fine if you don't have talent, but we have talent. If a ball's in the air one-on-one with our secondary I like our odds to make plays on the ball. Occasionally we won't. Big deal. Isn't it better to occasionally get beat deep than to get picked apart with the short passing game?
4. Midnight, we're out in a Los Angeles area bar. My friend KWo asks a girl if we could get into any Hollywood bars dressed the way we're dressed. She looks me up and down, doesn't grin at all, and then says, "No." Then she just walks away.
So a few hours later we're dancing on a Latino club's dance floor in the basement of a sports bar (seriously) and KWo and I get into an argument over whether or not Oasis's Wonderwall or Blackstreet's No Diggity is about to come on. I'm arguing for Wonderwall and KWo is set on No Diggity. When, get this, they spliced them together! And all these Latino people go crazy on the dance floor and start throwing up west side hand signs. I'm still in shock. In one of the final mailbags we talked about the white national anthem being Sweet Caroline. I had no idea what the Latino national anthem was. Now I do, it's No Diggity mixed with Wonderwall, take it to the bank. Or the taco stand.
5. Arian Foster's philosophy store. Can someone shed light on this? It gets more ridiculous the more people who email me about it.
6. "Ladies, rub your titties if you love Big Poppa." What self confidence. What's the ClayNation equivalent. In other words, what could I persuade the ClayNation women to do. Right now the even money is on, "Ladies, rub your knees if you love Clay Travis."
7. If you think, losing a game when you're a fan is bad, try being a fan writing a book about the loss. All I could think after Daniel Lincoln's missed kick was, "Only my parents are going to buy my book." And then you have to climb into your rented Chrysler Sebring convertible with your male friend and every time you pull up next to someone at a red light you have to say, "I'm not gay, this is a rental car." Awesome weekend.
It appears that dolphins are born with mustaches, no mention of the rare pink dolphin, but I am going to go out on a limb and say they have to be born with beards.
Pink dolphins are definitely born with full beards. One thing I was wondering about the other day, do you think other dolphins are jealous of pink dolphins? Or are non-pink dolphins racist against pink dolphins? Like if a female dolphin is choosing to mate with a male dolphin and a male pink dolphin and a non-pink male dolphin are similar in every respect (beards exempted), which dolphin gets picked? When I put on my female dolphin hat, I think you have to go with the pink dolphin, right? Your offspring wouldn't be entirely pink, they'd be mulatto pink dolphins. But wouldn't a mulatto pink dolphin be unstoppable in the world at large? Just a nice tinge of pink to catch the afternoon sunshine. Barack Obama certainly agrees that they would.
Kim writes:
"Clay, was Spencer comparing he and Heidi's feud with LC to Israel and Iran, the greatest analogy you've ever heard?"
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. This is why The Hills is the best current show on television. It was the intensity with which he delivered that line. Like he'd been waiting for the cameras to catch him saying it for a month. Which he probably had. I loved the way he tried to make it seem like he just came up with it. Odds that Spencer can place Iran on the correct continent? 4 billion to 1? Spencer Pratt is my least favorite person on television. Which, paradoxically, also makes him my favorite person on television not named Bear Grylls. By the way, did anyone else see Bear noodling in the most recent Man vs. Wild? He pulls out a 20 pound catfish. He'd already killed an alligator in the episode. What I want now is for Spencer to be out with Bear Grylls somewhere in the outback. Just the two of them having to survive. How awesome would this be? Someone needs to put me in charge of reality television programming.
Matthew writes:
When I was 13 years old I attended a Rochester Red Wing minor league baseball game. They had just moved into a new stadium with a new scoreboard, and had started experimenting with crowd-pleasing graphics. The first day they tried out the KissCam I was there. They were panning to couples, who would awkwardly kiss each other, and then one day a young man did something that caused them to discontinue it forever. I swore if I ever got the opportunity I would duplicate this feat.
Last Saturday at Kauffman Stadium in KC, I was with my buddy Tom and my girlfriend Amanda, watching the Twins have their way with the Royals.
Between innings I looked up to see the scoreboard, and noticed that they had started doing the KissCam. The Royals, who usually draw poorly, had nearly a sell-out crowd, with a mightly influx of Minnesota fans filling the stadium. Though I did not expect to get on the scoreboard for KissCam, Tom did overhear me whispering to myself "Pick me. Oh God, pick me" over and over again.
Kauffman Stadium boasts the largest HDTV in the United States. It is just enormous. It boggles the mind as to why any team, let alone the lowly Royals, would ever need a screen this big. It's outrageous. And after a few shots of husbands kissing wives and grandpas kissing grandmas, I saw myself, arm around Amanda's seat, taking over the scoreboard the Kanas City Star nicknamed "Godzillatron."
Without a moment's hesitation I executed the move I'd waited a decade to pull off. Moving my hand from the back of her chair to the back of her head, I brought her face to my crotch in one sweeping motion. The sound of the crowd's gasping/laughter, all 27,960 of them, washed over me as I closed my eyes to enjoy the moment. Tom was so stunned with laughter he doubled over, spilling his beer down my leg. The rows immediately around me turned, even the women laughing, to see Amanda's reaction.
Not wanting to feel any wrath, I quickly hit the aisle and went to the walkway above our section. I could hear men around me saying, "That's the guy!" and even a police officer laughed with me. On the way back to my seat, a father sitting with his young son slid his hand slyly into the aisle for a no-look high-five. Yes, I had pulled off my dream move.
Even the next day playing softball with Tom, he told a couple of guys about it. Turns out they attended the game, and went "You're the guy?! That was YOU???" It had made quite an impression on Kauffman's fans. And Amanda thought it was hilarious. She's a real keeper. That, or she's tucking it away for a rainy day. A rainy day where she'll cut my wiener off. Either way, it seems like it was worth it.
BGID
Without a doubt one of the greatest reader emails I've ever received. And not just because I'm married and no longer recall what a blow job is. Once you're married blow jobs are like Algebra II from high school, you have a vague recollection that at one point it existed and was a part of your life but it's so vague you can't even recall it any more. We'll be back rolling on Monday. Send in the emails to clay.travis@gmail.com
Our beaver pelt trader of the week? Ryan Perrilloux, for this bravura performance in an exclusive interview with Josh Peter of Yahoo Sports last month.
Reader Elise Jacques had e-mailed the article to me and I have no idea how I hadn't read it before now. It's classic. My favorite part, Perrilloux on whether he used a counterfeit $20 bill:
But in an interview Monday, Perrilloux said he, a cousin and a friend went to a Family Dollar store when the friend, who got the $20 bill from Perrilloux's brother, tried to use it to pay for candy. The employees realized the bill was counterfeit and the three young men left the store, Perrilloux said.
"When he got caught, I was like, 'You didn't know that was fake?'" Perrilloux said he recalled from the subsequent exchange with his friend. "He was like, 'Yeah, I knew, man. Your brother gave it to me.' I'm like 'Ooh.' He was like, 'That's why I'm in here buying gum, so I can get change.' And I was like, 'Oh, man.'" Then Ryan Shakespeare Perrilloux sums up the situation:
"I was sunk into the scene, like I was a person that was a part of the scene."
Of course. Exactly. Now you're all about to be sunk into this mailbag like you are people who are a part of the mailbag. Or something. Why doesn't Ryan Perrilloux have a reality television show? He's the gift that keeps on giving.
On to All That and a Bag of Mail.
Anthony Guarino writes: "My fraternity brothers and I regard you as the quintessential writer of our times. Aside from the required reading for our classes, DDT and the Man Book are the only books in our house.
"I must admit that I am a weak man, not because I am a Florida fan or go to a former SEC school (Tulane), but because I only grow out my beard for important occasions. One of these instances happened this Monday when I took the LSAT. During the previous week, my intensive study schedule resulted in not shaving. The Saturday before the test, I finally realized I had the makings of a beard. Absentmindedly, I almost shaved it off. I did not and what a lucky thing. Now after this my mom still wanted me to shave. I explained to her the concept of BGID and the scientific results that seem to overwhelmingly support beards as an academic enhancement tool. The evidence astounded her and her exact quote was, 'If it helps you get a higher score on the LSAT, then it can stay. Can you put Rogaine on it to make it grow faster? That might help you get some more points.'
"When I arrived at the testing site, no other male was sporting a beard. I instantly felt more knowledgeable and superior to them. I just wanted to thank you for helping me reach a new level of legal scholastic aptitude."
A tip of the beaver pelt to Anthony. Not only will you find you outperformed the guys without beards, but your mere presence rolling BGID at the same testing site as so many non-BGID test-takers will cause them to drastically under-perform. They'll be sitting there trying to analytically reason a question that begins, "If three Florida coeds, Kalee, Ka'lee and Kell'e, are all three carrying Little Debbie snacks in their purses and the total number of snacks between them is 17, how many snacks might Ka'lee have if Kell'e has 3x as many but four less than Kalee has when Kalee has been stealing snacks in the O-Dome line. So how many Little Debbie snacks are there in Gainesville proper on the first weekend of school?"
The only wrinkle to the BGID performance is if the women taking the test are so overwhelmed by your sheer masculinity that they accost you and insist that you have sex with them during the 10-minute break. Then you'll just have to lie to your mom about why your score didn't work. Tell her you had a cold. (As we've established before, all moms forgive you if you have a cold.) Tell your dad the real story. He might grow a beard, too.
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Georgia baseball player Gordon Beckham and his spectacular 'Bama Bangs. Honestly, I can't remember the last time a single player got so many nominations in the same week. It's truly uncanny. So congrats to Gordon Beckham. Hopefully this honor will help to assuage the pain of his Georgia Bulldogs losing the College World Series. Or not. At all.
On to All That and a Bag of Mail:
Jen writes:
"Please do NOT attribute this find to me b/c it's kind of horrifying, but thought that you should know that pink dolphins could soon be coming to a body near you. "Look at the second bullet pointed paragraph re: pink dolphins in the nether regions ... wow."
Which was more surprising: When Brazilian soccer star Ronaldo found out the prostitute he picked up was a man or finding out the girl you're sleeping with has a pink dolphin design (is this the right word? I have no idea) on her nether regions? Honestly, I'm going pink dolphin here.
Joe Kandul writes:
"I thought your article was worth the internet ... you'll never make it as a REAL journalist because you basically bashed an entire sport ... and you write about women's fighting as if it's SUPPOSED to be hot to guys? How about if someone has a passion for the sport and just enjoys seeing both sexes participate in it??? You are a horrible writer and shouldn't even have a job online much less in a paper or news magazine ... I hope you had fun with this well thought out article, it's laughable."
Thank you, Joe. If my article is truly "worth the Internet" then you'll shortly find me on my private island building a billion dollar castle. I'll surround it with a moat where my collection of pink dolphins can swim freely. Next I'll purchase the services of our apostrophized CAR All-Stars and make them my employees for a life-size game of c'hess.
Also, why do people keep acting like making it as a "REAL journalist" is hard? Do you read your local papers? Do these people really impress you as the smartest people you know? Is writing an article about a girl's soccer game really hard? I don't get this. Being a neurosurgeon is hard, being the top defense attorney in a city is hard, laying asphalt during Southern summers is hard. But writing answers to questions and making it all make sense? That's the definition of easy.
Clay,
"A few days ago, as my roommate and I were treating my visiting parents to a little cultural tour of L.A.'s famous Griffith Observatory, we stumbled on something a bit disturbing. A dude ... wearing jean capris -- or dare I say j'pris. Now, maybe I'm just not up on the latest trends, but I just don't see how this can be considered fashionable ... not in the United States at least. I never heard him speak so I can't confirm whether or not he is European, which would make it a bit more understandable. Are j'pris the new jorts?
"And on another note, during aforementioned cultural tour, I was looking at an old photo of some important man with quite the BGID. I commented to my roommate about it and the man next to me snickered ... I thought that I had come across another ClayNation fan so I threw up the You Can't See Me hand signal, but to no avail. He was just laughing at my amazement of the beard."
Wow, j'pris is perfect. In this guy's defense, sometimes you want the comfort and flexibility of cool air on the 10 inches of exposed skin between your lower shin and your ankle. It makes a huge difference in how you feel.
As the final beaver pelt trader of the week, I'm snagging my dad, Norm Travis, who deserves pretty much all the credit for my interest in sports and for my generally optimistic outlook on life. My dad is still the only fan I know who can watch the most devastating defeat of his team and say within five minutes of the game being over, "Well, at least they played really hard." That's probably why he was also one of the greatest Little League coaches in Nashville history.
So thanks to my dad, our final beaver pelt trader of the week. Now on to All That and a Bag of Mail.
Sean writes:
"On the same day that you announced your last true column on Sportsline, the equity with the NASDAQ Ticker symbol 'CLAY' halted trading due to a merger. I'm not sure if that is the most insane coincidence ever, or if it's just par for the course."
It's no coincidence. I move markets. Also, everyone who e-mails me, "Your gay," has no idea what the second half of your first sentence means. You might as well have written in Hebrew.
Alex writes:
"Clay -- If it really exists, please give us a glimpse of the column where Perrilloux and Miles talk about why they like The Hills. I think that sounds hilarious, and this is your last chance to write about the two of them together!"
From the second paragraph of the column:
Coach Miles:"See RP, you got to be careful who you surround yourself with. Take LC, at first she was good living with Heidi; Heidi knew her place, like you behind Flynn, learning the offense, learning where to look when the cameras were rolling, but then she got to gabbing too much and got outside her role. Met Spencer, thought he was running a more complicated defense than the cover two and when he didn't bite on the pump and go, she threw the pick. Now LC tries to make up for that mistake only she calls an audible against a shifting defensive front that's trying to disguise coverage and brings in Audrina as her new roommate. You know Audrina right RP?"
RP:"Naked white chick at the pool?"
Coach Miles:"No diggity RP, no diggity. Anyway, you got to remember, the option is your Stephen. You're always wanting to go back to it even if it isn't your best option. You're always saying, 'Let's run the option, Coach.' And I always have to say, 'No, RP, you got to make them trust your arm.' Does Stephen treat LC right?"
RP:"Hell no, coach. He's sunk up in the scene like he's a part of the scene but he's hiding in the scene."
Coach Miles:"Exactly. You got to be Brody Jenner. Gotta be multi-dimensional. Got to unleash the cannon."Anyway, there was much more but that's a pretty representative sample. I can't wait for Season 4 of The Hills. Apologies for how confusing this was to anyone who has never watched the show.
Heath Harrison writes:
"I have been reading your column for over a year, and have become a big fan. We share a similar sense of humor so I find the column hilarious. My wife, on the other hand, doesn't share the same sense of humor and finds many of the things that I think are funny to be gross or crude or ... you get the picture.
"On to the reason for my e-mail. In your recent article about the Oregon Trail game you stated that; 'if you are in your 20s or early 30s and don't have an Oregon Trail story from elementary school, there is a 100 percent chance I have no interest in talking to you.' I fit that demographic, but my school didn't have a computer in elementary. So I was unaware of this game's existence until your article. Not wanting to be shunned by the ClayNation, I searched out and found the Oregon Trail game. I now have my own Oregon Trail stories to share, and feel that I am a better man for it.
"I found the ClayNation bird in the game. The Great Tit makes an appearance at Fort Boise. I have a screenshot. The little girl appears to be pointing at it."
"Take a look and let me know if you agree. I'm not an avid bird watcher, but I know a Great Tit when I see one."
What's sad is I've also called my own wife to the screen to see this screen shot before. Also, if I'm not mistaken, there is some discreet Oregon Trail cleavage in another of the screen shots. There's no doubt about it Great Tits were migrating on the trail, too.
Brent writes:
"The real purpose of this e-mail is to confirm a much debated point in Dixieland Delight. When you were flying and sitting next to your law school buddy's wife Brenna, she told you that in 7th grade she had to run around a track with a tire being dragged by a rope. I went to Ensworth with Brenna. This happened. We had a dirt track and for PE we would put the rope around our waist and run a quarter mile dragging the tire behind us. We also did a weekly rope hang where we would hang by two rope loops for as long as we could in a competition. Hands bled. The man that made us do this was the hardest man I've ever known. He coached our middle school football team and would play scout team QB with no pads and insist that we tackle him full speed. He broke a different bone every practice and did not care. His name was Coach Robert Inman and he was a Tennessee Vol. Coach Inman passed a few years back but he is legendary in middle TN."
For those of you who didn't read Dixieland Delight, I didn't believe that any seventh-graders in Nashville private schools ever trained by dragging a tire affixed by rope around the track. I was wrong.
Fully grown men playing football against middle school boys is one of the great sketch ideas that's never come to fruition. Maybe we can set this up over at Deadspin. I go out to play a game against pee-wee footballers wearing no pads and see how many of them it takes to tackle me. Could I dominate? Would I be like Bo Jackson in Tecmo Bowl? Could I get the corner every single play? This would be fun to try out.
Ben writes:
"As a one-time resident of Baton Rouge, I feel obliged to explain the Kittens mascot of Southern Lab where Chad Jones went. It's a K-12 private school on Southern University's campus. I think the College of Education at Southern University founded it and runs it. It's kind of a training ground for education majors. A group of education students comes in every semester and teaches to get some experience. Since Southern University's mascot is the Jaguars, SULAB got stuck with the Kittens. LSU has the same thing set up with the LSU Lab School or U-High as it's legitimately called in Baton Rouge. Since LSU is the Tigers, U-High's mascot is the Cubs. I was a Cub for two years, but it was in middle school so it wasn't as humiliating. One famous alum of U-High? Glen 'Big Baby' Davis. That's right. Glen Davis was a Cub in high school."
I understand that it's the K-12 school of Southern University but I still say why kittens? Couldn't they be the Junior Jaguars or the Juvenile Jags? They need a contest to rename the school's mascot. What I'm getting at is that no post-pubescent boy should be forced to play for a team with a kitten mascot. It's demeaning. Like the Washington Redskins name is to Native Americans. Well, not that bad, but close. And more effeminate.
Chuck Wagner writes:
"I have to agree the Ole Miss women are the cream of the crop. I noticed your comment about the guy/girl ratio at UNC and would like to point-out that the College of Charleston ratio is guy/girl ratio is even higher 35/65. If you have never been there, what they lack in athletics (no football team) they more than make up for in the quality of their women. I would say they are a close rival to Ole Miss. Perhaps you and Fox ought to make a road trip there next basketball season?"
Great idea on the road trip. It's every wife's dream for her husband to start pointing out hot girls to their infant son. But you're correct that College of Charleston is a sleeping giant for several reasons. First, Charleston is an absolute jewel of a town. If you haven't been, you need to go. I can't wait to run over there for a day or two when UT plays South Carolina this fall. Second, the campus is right downtown, is growing, and everything seems brand new. Third, when I visited it was Halloween and there were more girls in naughty costumes per capita than any college I've ever visited before. There were hardly any guys. It was like the beginning of a Cinemax movie.
Fourth ... Screw it, you guys don't need any more reasons. Basically College of Charleston should be on your radar screen as a sleeper college.
Joshua Smith writes:
"Clay, my brother is in the U.S. Army, just returned from Afghanistan. We grew up in Northwest Florida, but the family is originally from Alabama. Your classic split Auburn-Alabama family. I grew up an Auburn fan like my dad, he an Alabama fan like my mom. After high school though, I went to Troy and became a Trojan through and through, while a year later my brother enlisted and is still a 'Bama fan. He's being discharged soon, but his wife, originally from Texas, who is in the Army has reenlisted and they are moving to Redstone Arsenal in Huntsville, Alabama.
"My brother recently gave his wife a copy of Dixieland Delight and told her that upon entering the state she has 48 hours to choose: Auburn or Alabama. I told them that she should choose Troy instead. Of the four Division I-A schools in Alabama, no member of the family has attended either Auburn or Alabama, however, myself, my mother and my father all attended Troy. I think if she were to choose any school, it should be my Trojans! Do you think she's bound to choose an SEC school?"
First, it's my understanding that everyone who lives in Alabama has to choose either Alabama or Auburn to root for. So even if she picks Troy as her rooting interest, she has to choose one of the SEC schools to root for or else she's not safe living in the state.
Now, breaking this down further, your brother's wife doesn't have a strong affiliation for either Alabama or Auburn, and he's encouraging her to pick freely even though he's an Alabama fan? He's playing with fire here. The only thing worse than losing six times in a row to Auburn is losing seven times in a row and having to hear about it from a woman who has a claim on half of your living assets. I think the wife has to go 'Bama just to keep the house safe.
Now, if she were born an Auburn fan, she'd clearly not be able to abandon Auburn just because she married a 'Bama fan, but picking Auburn it seems to me she'd be doing it just out of spite. Which is not allowed. You can't become a fan just to make another fan angry. That makes you an anti-fan.
As for Troy: I think she has to root for Troy in every game but when it plays Alabama. This is because she has no pre-existing fan loyalties (and clearly isn't going to be a rabid Alabama or Auburn fan anyway) so she's effectively a clean slate and can help out the family loyalty by rooting for Troy regardless of her SEC pick.
Gabe writes:
"In reference to Liz Hyon's e-mail about pan-Southernism and the Yankee use of the word y'all, I believe a true test of Southernism involves using the double plural, all y'all. Yes, it defeats the purpose of saying y'all, but is in every Southerner's lexicon, whether he or she uses it or not. And it should be pronounced, awl y'awl. Just curious if you had considered this as a tenet of Southernism/pan-Southernism. Thanks."
Yes, "all y'all" is a clear sign that you are from the South. Because if you're not from the South, you won't say it because it sounds ridiculous.
Like I've said before, Yankees use y'all with a slight pause before they break out the word. As if they want to make sure that you're hearing them use the word. This is how I imagine you would enter a Cherokee camp if you were a white guy like Sam Houston who had made friends with the tribe. You'd move slowly, pause, and then throw out the most common Cherokee word louder than necessary so you weren't scalped.
Excellent point, though. Effective use of "all y'all" is even more indicative of pan-Southernism than y'all is. And now, I've got to bid all y'all goodbye as I make the jump over to help colonize the Southerners of Deadspin.
Travis has become enamored of several objects, phrases or events which he frequenly references in the column. Among the most frequent:
'Bama Bangs - a term coined by Travis to refer to southern men's hairstyles that feature prominent bangs for no apparent reason. Brodie Croyle and John Parker Wilson are oft-cited violators of 'Bama Bangs rules.
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When Clay Travis, acclaimed author of Dixieland Delight, decided to spend the 2008 season up close and personal with UT football, he—and every other college football aficionado—thought he was in for a rollicking ride with one of the leading contenders for the national title. After all, when the Vols kicked off the season on September 1, the defending SEC East champions were ranked 18th in the country. As head coach Phillip Fulmer prepared for the game, he reflected upon a coaching career that included an astounding 147 victories, two SEC championships, and a national title. With 34 years at UT under his belt as both a player and coach, the Tennessee native had just signed a contract extension that projected to keep him at the university long enough to become the winningest coach in program history.
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There is no college ball more passionate and competitive than football in the Southeastern Conference, where seven of the twelve schools boast stadiums bigger than any in the NFL and 6.5 million fans hit the road every year to hoot and holler their teams to victory.
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The newly favored man is not really a man at all, but a hairless, effeminate, germ-fearing, non-meat-eating, exfoliating, wristband-wearing woman of the worst order. We as men are told that we must embrace the sacred feminine in ourselves, even if it doesn't actually exist, and become the very quintessence of woman, plus penises. This situation is untenable. This trend must stop.
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Clay Travis is the only former student manager in the history of college athletics to marry an NFL cheerleader. He managed to pull this off despite an irrational affinity for the television shows Dawson's Creek and My Super Sweet 16. While being raised in Nashville, Tenn., Travis developed a healthy obsession with college sports and Alyssa Milano. As a teenager his greatest accomplishment was taking a doo-rag wearing Luke Duke (balling as Tom Wopat) to the hole at the Nashville YMCA.
In the midst of a stellar legal career during which he specialized in rewarding the unjust and punishing the oppressed, Travis began writing for CBS Sports's SPiN section in September 2005...
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