Auburn AD Jay Jacobs Responds to Turner Gill Criticism (ClayNation Style)
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Dear Awbuhn,
It has come to my attention that many of you believe we didn't hire Turner Gill because he has a white wife. This is plainly not the case. I have a white wife, Tommy Tuberville has a white wife, even Tony Franklin has a white wife. All of us enjoy interracial pornography. Particularly when black men have sex with white women. So I'd just like you to know that I don't mind miscegnation. In fact, when I was 14, I lost my virginity to a quatroon in a New Orleans pool hall. So if you're casting racial stones in my direction be aware that I've had sex with a 1/8ths of a black person. So there.
Also, I feel it's time that we set the record straight. Turner Gill was not hired because of his white wife; rather he was not hired because Auburn has so much respect for black women. And we know that black women hate white women who are married to black men. We were trying to make it easy on Turner Gill's white wife! Can you imagine the animus she was going to feel from black women in this state? Where was she going to go to church. With the Muslims? LOL!
Auburn has a longstanding respect and a great history with black women. (By "longstanding respect" and "great history" let it be noted that I mean since 19 and 86). In fact, it was shortly after we founded the Bo Jackson Procreation Society in 1986--it hasn't been previously disclosed that we provide Bo Jackson with 4,303 women a year (his career rushing yardage!) to have sex with in the hopes that many of these offspring will be good running backs-- that I came to be very active in Auburn's chapter of Delta Sigma Theta. And let me tell you, those sistahs can party! Once they gave me a cranberry Mike's Hard Lemonade. To drink all by myself. Let me tell you, gollee, it was stronger than I expected! In the 8 minutes I spent partying with them it became clear to me that they felt I was an honorary black woman.
As I sat across from Turner Gill, I couldn't stop thinking about the time I had a cranberry Mike's Hard Lemonade with a black woman. And I kept thinking to myself, what would the black women of Alabama think if we hired a black man who had married a white woman? They'd be outraged. Justifiably so. And our alumni giving rate would plummet. Did you know that black women are responsible for $2,138 in annual donations to Auburn University? I bet you didn't. That's 2k per year. So I decided to confront Turner Gill about it. I said.
"Turner, my main cat, give me some dap, up high, down low, too slow. No more small talk, I'm going to give you the straight jive. What was your favorite scene in White Meat on Black Street 38?
"And he sort of looked at me sort of crazy like and I leaned across and I whispered, 'I'm concerned about ths sistahs. Once they gave me a cranberry Mike's Hard Lemondade. You dig?
He sort of shook his head and so I leaned over again and said, "I'm not so sure that the black women of Alabama are ready for a black football coach who married a white woman."
So there you have it. It wasn't racist to pick Gene Chizik. Hell, Gene Chizik is
1/48ths Cherokee. It was anti-anti- racist. Yep, double anti-racist. Which everyone in the state of Alabama knows a double anti-racist isn't racist at all. It's just plain fair. We were trying to protect black women in the great state of Alabama! There's been so much misinformation out there I thought I needed to speak and clear the air. So there you go.
War Eagle,
Jay Jacobs
P.S. War Quatroons! Labels: Jay jacobs letter regarding turner gill protecing black women why auburn didn't hire turner gill
Posted by Clay Travis at 12:34 PM
 
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Potentially the funniest thing I've ever read. Great, great job. I'm rolling.
Matt writes,
"1/8 black is an octoroon.
1/4 is a quadroon.
I just read "The Known World". Good book.
Funny Post."
The Known World is, in my mind, the greatest novel of the 21st century. As for the mix-up between quadroon, octoroon and the like, I did it intentionally writing as Jay Jacobs. This particular joke was gotten by about five people. Quality.