VMI Beats Kentucky at Rupp: Stonewall Jackson Quietly Nods
Monday, November 17, 2008
Kentucky gave up 111 in a loss to the school were Stonewall Jackson worked as a professor prior to the Civil War. Luckily, I was able to contact Stonewall by seance and get his take on the upset. For purposes of this interview it's important to note that by "interview" what I mean is "monologue by Stonewall."
Stonewall Jackson:
In the year of our Lord two thousand and eight, the mighty Keydets of VMI did rain down their furious anger upon the metallic hoops and hardwood floors of the infidels in Kentucky. Our flank attacks on their perimeter could not be stopped. We breached their defense by splitting our forces and by virtue of our long range bombs from outside their defensive perimeters. Then we sat down in our breastworks and pounded them. Pounded those infernal heathens!
Notwithstanding their allegiance to the Union at the expense of their Southern brethren, it was incredibly gratifying to see such exemplary young men stage their most impressive performance since the Battle of New Market. I've always known that the best Southern gentlemen would justly triumph over fake Southerners who are more interested in racing horses than farming, reading the Bible, and winning football games.
I'd give my left arm to these men if it wasn't already buried in Chancellorsville.
It's enough to make an old General long for the days of clamslammin' in the Shenendoah Valley of 1862. Some people believed I sucked lemons and always rode with one hand held high in the saddle because I was eccentric. That was never the case. It was because the ladies of the Valley preferred the melodic scent of my lemon-sweetened breath. And that my fingers, bearing the graceful winter's air might stir their passions racing along their pantaloons. My lemon-scent is much better than the whiskey-flavored scent of Billy G. I've known drunken incompetents, and let me tell you, Billy G. is a drunken incompetent. He reminds me of Braxton Bragg without the cuddly nature.
Even Little Sorrel, still buried with his earthly remains at VMI, could not ignore the victory. He clop-clopped through Heaven today and said (horses can speak in Heaven), "Let's see what the bastard Traveller has to say about that. Fuck Washington and Lee." Oh my, Little Sorrel can be quite the talker.
(Pauses to contemplatively suck lemon.)
I always knew, like my homie Patrick Cleburne said (I understand he's now called the Stonewall of the West), we should have armed the Negroes.
Bully for VMI! Labels: stonewall jackson reflects on vmi victory
Posted by Clay Travis at 1:41 PM
 
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Being a Cadet from VMI and a huge Runnin Roo fan it is nice to finally have someone give us credit. I mean we beat Kentucky and then the same weekend lose to UVa by ten which should have been less, but we had to go into hack drill at the end. Thank you Clay for giving the small school in Lexington Va. some credit. Hopefully we aren't done for this season and will be heard from again this year.
Bradley
VMI 09